Book Jacket

 

rank 1490
word count 16652
date submitted 04.12.2011
date updated 11.07.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Horror
classification: universal
incomplete

Rogue

Siren rosenthal

told in unlikly point of view through the eyes of the damned.


 

"would you sell your soul for the truth? in return to never seeing your loved ones, human food and the sun?"
" yes if thats what it takes."
Ronin you are soo niave.

 
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tags

, angels, blood, epic, high school, horror, legand, murder, mystery, rogue, teens, thriller, vampire

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32 comments

 

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carol jefferies wrote 363 days ago

Hi Siren,

I enjoyed reading the first four chapters of your original and dramatic book 'Rogue.'

There is definitely suspense in each chapter to wonder what will happen next.

The dialogue by characters is natural and moves the story along.

You have created a very disturbing character in the vampyer, Liebe, and I look forward to reading more.

High Stars,

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)

Twistedbiscuits wrote 266 days ago

Chapter 1 - She's a hot blooded girl! I'm not totally clear on why she would let herself be hit at all. You mention she wants to make this girl look an ass, but taunting her, letting the girl hit her a couple times then hospitalizing her doesn't achieve that. Leibe comes across as more than a little immature, here.
Chapter 2 - I want to tell Leigh I'm a vampyer.... you use the word vampyer an awful lot there. It's a little repetitive. Is there a reason for the peculiar spelling?
After that, Leigh is repeated quite a few times. I have the same problem with repeating the same words, over and over, and have yet to find an effective cure.
Chapter 4 - Ronin asking 'what is she' and her brief explanation was done a little too quickly. If in the unlikely even you thought someone was a genuine vampire, is that how you would handle it? If you could even believe in a vampire. I'd only believe it if I saw it, with my own eyes, and could not prove it was anything other than a real vampire. I'd spend forever doubting what I'd seen, wondering if I'd gone mad.
There again, What would you do if you were a genuine vampire and someone asked you what you were? Would you make it that quick and easy for them? Wonder why they asked, had they seen something that would make them ask what has to be an insane question? She tried to lie a little, but it seemed weak.
The book has potential. It needs an edit, and something more than an odd spelling of the word vampire to set it apart. As is, there is another ageless vampire, who is hundreds of years old and still in high school.

Wizard of Oz wrote 297 days ago

Siren,

Thanks for letting me taking a look at your story. Horror is not my general read but I do like fiction and I like the story that you are setting up. A few thoughts as I read through the first eight chapters:

-Recognizing that this story is incomplete, when you have time there are a fair number of typos and punctuation errors that could be updated. I’m sure that you will pick them up in the later edits of your story.

-I really liked the unique characteristic of Liebe being able to walk in the sun. As a literary tool it lets you have your story not have to be set in the night all the time, which is handy, but more importantly it gives a unique characterization to Liebe which is helpful in making her standout as a character.

-Similar to the first point, when you work on a later edit, you might want to keep an eye out for run on sentences or misplaced commas. An example from chapter two: “Because I didn’t like her and she took away the only thing that made me happy, and besides she was using you it’s sad you couldn’t see it.” Here you might consider a period after “happy” and then making the second half of the sentence a new sentence. You might also consider a period after “she was using you.” Also in chapter two, “Besides she won’t believe me anyway vampyers aren’t allowed to go in the sun and I live in Arizona the sunniest state around.”

All in all a good start to story! Best of luck in your writing!

Best,
David
The Unseen War

A.Holding wrote 311 days ago

I really enjoyed this, Liebe is a great character and I love her feisty attitude. A good story that flows really well, I'm sure this would be a popular YA novel although gets a bit sexual in places (I read up to C6). There are a few spelling mistakes and the grammar needs some works especially comma's etc but nothing that cannot be easily tidied up. A fun read!

Einlandis wrote 332 days ago

Hi there,

I read the first three chapters and really liked Liebe's unique voice and the violent approach to characterizing vampires. The fight between her and Stephanie really set the tone for the novel and I felt like I was on a fast-paced, at the edge of your seat ride with a vampire. I had a lot of fun reading.

My main suggestions would be to try to tone back the exposition on vampyers and try to have Liebe's identity and her race's characteristics come out more naturally in the story. Also, it sounds like Liebe is an extremely powerful vampyer (rare enough to be able to go out in sunlight), which leads me to question what the stakes are in the novel. She hospitalizes a student and isn't arrested. She later kills the student to her parents' delight. Her friend Leigh is gullible and wants to be like her. I'm not sure what the tension is in the novel at this point.

Overall, you have a really fun and unique book with a strong, confident female MC, which I always appreciate.

Great job so far! :D

Katefin wrote 362 days ago

What a great vampire! Dangerous, intriguing and fascinating. A fantastic start with the fight, and then the mysterious family. I will read on tommorrow, but I alredy like this alot!

Kate, Blood Family

carol jefferies wrote 363 days ago

Hi Siren,

I enjoyed reading the first four chapters of your original and dramatic book 'Rogue.'

There is definitely suspense in each chapter to wonder what will happen next.

The dialogue by characters is natural and moves the story along.

You have created a very disturbing character in the vampyer, Liebe, and I look forward to reading more.

High Stars,

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)

Carlabear wrote 364 days ago

Hi Siren
You'll be pleased to know that I read all the way to chapter 13 so you obviously drew me in! But, I can't believe he killed his little sister!!! Nooooo! That's just horrible. I was horrified, but I suppose this is in the horror genre so fair play to you. The scene where she killed Stef was also chilling. I did feel that her reasons for killing Stef were a bit flimsy and that Ronin got over Stef's death far too quickly, but overall it was an entertaining read. Well done.
All the best
Carla
Way off Track

LCF Quartet wrote 431 days ago

Hi Siren,
You have an original, personal writing style, but I'd like to read such an intriguing story in a fully-editted form-which is something I'm sure you've been considering after you're through-writing it first.

The dialogue parts drew me in immediately, as I found them believable and well-thought-out. I read the first three chapters of Rouge too have a feel of the story, so I'll focus on characterization and pace.

You've done a great job with the portrayal of your MCs. The pace is right and your MS is easy to follow. I liked it that you balanced dialogue and description on a logarithmic scale, moving the plot forward.

High stars and I look forward to reading more. Since none of us can finish a book from beginning to end, I will probably chose a few random chapters and let you know what I think.

Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Littleredriley wrote 442 days ago

Great voice, great characters, great plot.
It really needs a good, old edit though, but when you do that... man this book is going to kick as much ass as Lieb does!

Great work

Claire C Riley
Limerence

Seringapatam wrote 447 days ago

Superb. Another great book on Authonomy. This is a really good read and I am made up that I found it. You have a really good story voice and the way you have used the characters to the full is also superb. Nice flow, sharp when needed, I cant find anything bad about this book. A big score from me.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

geina wrote 450 days ago

by the end of chapter 5, i'm in love with this story...

it has a few typos and errors and could do with another polishing, but that doesn't take away from it's brilliance. You start with a hook, and it doesn't die down... you want to hate the MC, but you want to root for her too... because... hey, that bitch had it coming, right?

anyway, this is awesome and will soon make an appearance on my pimp thread
For what it’s worth: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/107068/for-what-it-s-worth/

cheers for now
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened


thanks im glad you like the story! im excited that your putting it on your thread ^.^

geina wrote 450 days ago

Do you realise that you have several typos and spelling mistakes in the pitches. It doesn't really do your book any favours.

i know this is a rough draft and im the worst with fixing grammar and spelling errors. once i find some else to peer edit for me it'll be better.

DDickson wrote 450 days ago

Do you realise that you have several typos and spelling mistakes in the pitches. It doesn't really do your book any favours.

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 451 days ago

by the end of chapter 5, i'm in love with this story...

it has a few typos and errors and could do with another polishing, but that doesn't take away from it's brilliance. You start with a hook, and it doesn't die down... you want to hate the MC, but you want to root for her too... because... hey, that bitch had it coming, right?

anyway, this is awesome and will soon make an appearance on my pimp thread
For what it’s worth: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/107068/for-what-it-s-worth/

cheers for now
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 451 days ago

I just read the first chapter... one word... bad-ass!

loving it... reading on....

mark01684 wrote 479 days ago

I agree with the comments below. Good tension and violence. I love the opening paragraph, I didn't see that coming. You really do have the premise of a good tale. If you like the vampire genre, check ou Randall Crane and the Vampire of Whitechapel.
Mark01684
Ta

Aspiring author wrote 488 days ago

Hi Siren,
This is not really my genre although I do know enough about vampyrs to know that they can't go out in the sun and can say that I like the way you have justified that Liebe can. I also like the fact that it is the vampyr telling the story and agree with one of the other comments that this works well in the present tense. This way I think you can really get an insight into what the MC is thinking and feeling. As has already been pointed out, you need to go back and make sure that it is always in the present, as well as doing a thorough proof read for grammatical errors.
I think you are doing a really good job of expressing your imagination - I think writing about things that we haven't actually experienced is the hardest kind of writing (I'm really not good at it) - and the story moves along at a good pace, keeping the reader interested in what will happen next. My only suggestion would be that Ronin's reaction to finding out that Liebe is a vampyr should be a little more realistic. It's one thing to think that your ex is a little wierd, but finding out that she's a blood-sucking vampyr that has killed his girlfriend is quite another. The process from him asking her, her telling him, him becoming a vampyr and him killing his little sister should be drawn out over more than one chapter. There is another reason for this. When Leibe talks about thinking that Leila should join her family, she dismisses it immediately as she is not old enough to turn a human. You should give more time to her getting used to the idea of turning Ronin.
Obviously these are all just my personal observations!!
Keep up the good work
Aspiring Author

Michael Ignotus wrote 505 days ago

Well, one good turn deserves another, so here are some thoughts on your first 10 chapters.

First of all, I loved the premise. It's very unusual and the way you write makes your character come to life. I didn't intend to read quite so much, but I was hooked right through to Chapter 10.

BUT - and I know others have said this already - you really do need to decide what tense you plan to write this in. Personally, given the unusual perspective and the immediacy of the whole thing, I'd advocate using the present tense. It will make the whole thing feel much more in the moment and will add to its uniqueness.

Also, you really do need to do a spelling and grammar check through the whole thing. There were a series of grammatical and spelling errors that kept throwing me out of the moment. Too many to mention, but on this page alone, here are some examples:
- 'its bad manners' should be it's bad manners'.
- 'The meals name' should be 'The meal's name' (fan-tastic line, by the way. This immediately gets you right into the amoral nature of the character and tells you that you're in for a real ride).
- 'No one and their dog like her' should be 'No-one and their dog likes her.'
Also, elsewhere in the novel from memory:
- 'speard' should be 'spared'.
- 'his choose' should be 'his choice'.
There are others, but I can't remember them offhand.

When you write action, try to use shorter, punchier sentences - it will give it a much greater sense of immediacy. I'm not sure what the etiquette is here, but I'm going to give you an example. In the fight scene up above, when Liebe says 'My turn', try rewriting it like this:
I throw my first punch to her ribs. They break on contact. She falls, gasping for breath - grabs at her ribs, as if that'll help any. I knee her in the stomach. This time she coughs up blood. I kneel down, grab her fake blonde hair, and throw her face into the cement. Her nose breaks with a loud snap. Three moves and she's out. Everyone goes very quiet.
I haven't changed your words much, but see how it feels more immediate?

Others have said they could do with more description. I disagree. You describe what you need to describe - but you don't need to describe the High School, or Ronin's home, everyone knows what they look like. I think if you get bogged down in too much description, you'll lose the immediacy of what you're doing. That said: reread each scene and ask yourself: "Have I given enough information to tell people what's in my mind's eye?"

Hope that helps. I really like this, but it does need some work.
M<

Neuravinci wrote 545 days ago

Tenses...hmmmm I'm not sure I'm liking the present tense. I know it's a matter of preference, but it doesn't seem to work well for this story.

Also, too much narrator commentary: try to cut back on what the author thinks...leave that to be done in the dialogue.

Too much of that purpley prose; I can see where you'd want to use some analogies, but cut back on them; they detract from the work.
And the first paragraph: too cliche...friday the 13th, she's going to find out tonight...
everything's been so used before and it's not strengthening your novel. Try to cut back on some of the cliche-y things :)

Tod Schneider wrote 550 days ago

Hi Siren,
I'd agree with Beacon City across the board. High marks for gritty action and an interesting, violent protagonist. But if you were to work on just one thing I'd agree it's the tenses, with punctuation a close second. Here are a few examples if that helps:
"I look at her and smiled" (look is present tense, smiled is past tense)
"I grab her fake blond hair and threw her" (grab is present tense, threw is past tense). Pick one tense and stick to it throughout. (I prefer past tense).
There are places you need punctuation but there is none, such as:
...to her ribs (;) I could feel them break
...gasping for breath (.)
...in the stomach (.) this time she's coughing...
Your writing otherwise is strong, so it's be well worth tackling those pesky problems. Good job overall!
Best of luck with this. An if you have any interest in children's literature, please come take a peek at the Lost Wink!
Thanks
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

BeaconCityTourist wrote 557 days ago

Siren,

As promised, a return review, rating.

Fisrt of all... wow... what an explosive start to this novel. I read to the end of chapter 1 in no time as it was so action-packed. I love the detail. Very gritty and in your face. Unusual for this type of novel maybe? I'm assuming you are aiming at young adults? But for me, a little bit older adult, it works. Your writing draws me in and keeps me there.

You have put together a very powerful and interesting character. A bit like the girl with the dragon tattoo. F**ked up but likeable. I can't wait to see what she does next.

The only issue I have with what I read is the constant switching between tense. You really need to decide if you are going to write in present tense or past tense and then stick to it.

e.g. the second sentence should read 'I can't help but do the opposite,' if you are writing in present tense.

An edit will sort this out.

The only other thing I might change is the Friday the 13th angle. This has been done already so maybe you could leave this out. Maybe try to find out another interesting date that could fit with vampires, or horror?

But saying that you have the basis of a great novel. People love violence and in this setting it's even more interesting!

For now I have added you to my WL and rated highly.

If you decide to edit let me know and I will read over your changes and add you to my shelf.

Best of luck!

:-)

Eddie

R Toy wrote 562 days ago

Hello,

I have taken a quick read of what you have here and I really like it so far. You began the story with a catchy narrative and gave something for the readers to look forward to. Very high stars and I'll be back for more! I like the view point that you chose to write this story from.

R Toy-SINTENT

ps. one small edit: said (that it's) bad manners

Terence Bingham wrote 572 days ago

The short description makes this sound interesting. I have backed your book. The cover alone makes you take notice. I am still updating The Stevens Affair although I am changing little. I have had a few comments that I am spending too much time in describing my characters, but it is all part of the story. It is interwoven for it not just a story of a kidnapping but there are other forces at work that involve my charcaters in other situations.
Thanks for backing the book.
Kindest Regards,
Terry Bingham

dloganw wrote 587 days ago

I'm not much on vampire stories but Siren's has several unique twists that make it interesting. For one thing her 'Liebe' is able to walk out in the sun. I do appreciate creativity and this story is creative. It seems to be quite well written except for one apparent logic error at the very beginning. Liebe says her mom told her it was impolite t"o play with her food". Liebe's response was something to the effect that she couldn't help but do the opposite. In this case I don't see that there is 'an opposite' so would suggest that Liebe should say something like "Sorry mom, I couldn't help it."
I think this is an entertaining read.
Best,
David Welch

Charlotte12 wrote 587 days ago

I admit I don't often read this genre, but I did find the pace and the hints about what the MC actually is, compelling. Interesting POV, too, as told from the 'bad' guy's perspective. I admit I found the violence hard to read at times, and I had the feeling that the MC's reaction to losing her bf to that girl a little over the top...BUT these are teenagers, so perhaps it's accurate after all. :) I agree with someone below, that it would be nice to have some more description about the environment, as It would add some depth the story, I think.

Good job, and best of luck.

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

chevalier94 wrote 617 days ago

Very well done for such a genre! I love the way the characters behave, it's like I'm into it! But I'd like to say one thing regarding this book, if you don't mind. I'd love to know more about the environment where a scene take place. And I don't quite get the surrounding as I read through these pages. It'd be a very good book if you can do something about it.
But overall, I'm very interested in this book. Keep up the good work!

Faruq Chevalier - Flawless Ritual

Arnbjorn wrote 626 days ago

Hi Siren,

One good turn deserves another so I've read the first 3 chapters of your book Rogue and have backed it. Here are my comments:

Nice intro. Immediately I was impressed by the catchy language. I don't know what you would call it. Street talk perhaps. I've never read this kind of language before so it was certainly an eye-opener. I really liked it. Very creative, very raw, it gives a personal stamp to your writing and has attitude in abundance
'The meals name is Stephanie Lopez' - like it
The absence of punctuation gives your writing a uniqueness. I was surprised that I didn't mind it, as normally I'm a dogmatist about such things. I think it worked here though in general. At least in the dialogue and tags. But when you break into narrative the absence of grammar starts to hinder the read.
Like Moses parting the Red Sea - fantastic simile!
Obviously in chapter 2 and 3 you start to give more background to the vampire family, which I liked. Things like Liebe being able to track Stephanie more easily because of her rare blood type, really helps to give the story added realism. And the fact that the parents moved to Arizona is obviously an opposite twist to Twilight. One thing I was surprised about was that the parents didn't mind their daughter killing so unscrupulously and without regard to getting caught by the authorities. Maybe this will become clearer in later chapters?

Altogether I liked these chapters. I'll try to get round to reading more.

Starred and backed.

Arnbjorn

NinaMills wrote 638 days ago

I read through chapter 3. I tried several times to read chapter 4, but kept getting 'Sorry, an error occurred while loading the chapter text.'

Wow! She is really heartless! I saw several typos, etc. but I saw where you said this is a work in progress. You have an interesting story here and I'm sure with some good editing and polishing you'll do well. I wish you lots of luck with it.

♪ Nina ♪

A Nerdy Rogue wrote 640 days ago

Wow, I really like this idea.
Writing in the perspective of the antagonist... I LOVE it! :)
Keep writing and I'm definitely backing this!
Lots of stars

- Bree

Neuravinci wrote 670 days ago

Very interesting: told through the bad guy and not the good guy. Expand and develop this more and you have a jewel :)

geina wrote 779 days ago

[im glad you liked it :D its still a working progress.

Mec81589 wrote 780 days ago

Really interesting story, not heard of many from the bad guys point of view. This really interested me!

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