Book Jacket

 

rank 5908
word count 15880
date submitted 08.12.2011
date updated 11.12.2011
genres: Fiction
classification: universal
incomplete

The River Rises

Alan C Hughes

The River Rises is the story of a young boy, beset by fears of cowardice, and his dysfunctional family.

 

Gabby Huggins, who lives in a riverside country town, is twelve years old and believes he is a coward. The constant bullying by his nemesis is made worse when he meets Lori. a new girl in town. Family life is not helped by his father having an affair with a local beauty. His sister has a dalliance with the local lout and his mother falls for his father's old army friend. The family gradually work their way through their problems, but are caught up in turmoil as the river floods.

 
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tags

coward, duncan, flood, gabby, river, sissy

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4 comments

 

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Hum3 wrote 850 days ago

Thank you A Morrison for your comments. I will give the piece some diligent editing to get rid of the ttpos. Your tips for improving the piece are most appreciated. I guess we are always learning. The book is aimed at an adult reader, if you get time to read further you will find that it covers the whole family, including some very adult problems.
I have lived in country South Australia all my life so it was inevitable that my book would be in a rural setting. Thank you once again for your comments.
Alan C Hughes

a.morrison712 wrote 850 days ago

THE RIVER RISES

I tell everyone the same thing, take what rings true and pitch anything else I say that you don’t agree with. Only you know where the story is going and what works best. Now with that being said, here is my return read. I promised I’d get to you and here I am!

CH 1

Things that stuck out to me:

Immediately, I’m hit with your protagonist being a 12-year-old boy. However, the opening reads like an adult piece (vocabulary, sentence structure, etc.). I would seriously consider who your target audience is and how you aim to pitch this. A general rule of thumb is people like to read about people their own age. Something to think about anyway...

I’m seeing a few typo issues. Things like commas needing to be in the quotation marks and they are falling outside of the quotation marks. You’ll catch this when you go through and edit though, just wanted to point it out.

Also, consider tightening up the language. Lines like, “ears the tended to stick straight out of his head,” could be “Gabby’s ears stuck straight out of his head.” It is more straightforward and reads smoother, in my opinion.

This really picks up when you talk about Gabby’s passion being the river. I would consider starting closer to this point and work in his physical appearance later. Once again, just a thought.

On another note, there is something country and warm about your story. I grew up in the country, and spent many summers at my grandparents’ lake house. This reminds me of those simple times and it made me smile reading through it. I’m giving you five stars and good luck with your writing!

Hum3 wrote 861 days ago

Alan,

I have read chapter one and was delighted by your story and your easy writing style. The story of this little lad is most entertaining, and I think most of us can see something of ourselves in his thoughts and deeds.

There were very few errors, but I did spot one: "Gabby mind worked frantically.." This should be "Gabby's mind..."

I also found one paragraph with a couple of clunky sentences. "The ladder beneath him glided through the water as he stroked easily through the water." The repetition of "through the water" does not add anything, and actually detracts. Try finishing the sentence at "easily."
A little further on you have "Lying so low in the water...but he was moving smoothly through the water....” I think this could be shortened to "Lying so low in the water...but he was moving smoothly and felt he could swim forever."

I loved some of your words and descriptions, especially "A jewelled spangle of sun kissed ripples."

I am very please to give this a high rating.

Regards
Warrick


'
Hello Warrick

Thank you for your comments. They are most encouraging. It seems I will have to improve my proofreading skills. I usually pass my manuscript on to a friend to read and edit, but I have not done so with this one so, no chance for anyone else to pick up my errors. Thank you for finding them, I will rectify them ASAP.

Kind regards
Alan C Hughes

Warrick Mayes wrote 861 days ago

Alan,

I have read chapter one and was delighted by your story and your easy writing style. The story of this little lad is most entertaining, and I think most of us can see something of ourselves in his thoughts and deeds.

There were very few errors, but I did spot one: "Gabby mind worked frantically.." This should be "Gabby's mind..."

I also found one paragraph with a couple of clunky sentences. "The ladder beneath him glided through the water as he stroked easily through the water." The repetition of "through the water" does not add anything, and actually detracts. Try finishing the sentence at "easily."
A little further on you have "Lying so low in the water...but he was moving smoothly through the water....” I think this could be shortened to "Lying so low in the water...but he was moving smoothly and felt he could swim forever."

I loved some of your words and descriptions, especially "A jewelled spangle of sun kissed ripples."

I am very please to give this a high rating.

Regards
Warrick

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