Lifers

So, I'm not done reading, but after the first chapter I'm not going to stop there. It's so rare that I'll go out of my way to finish a book on Authonomy like I want to with this one.
I was a little unclear on what you meant by 'dozens of narrow holes created by the rain' - it reads like the rain burned through him, but no there being no blood-spots or anything like that, left me confused until I got to 'Harold Robertson had become one of them'. I'm still not sure what's going on, but at least I know there will be an explanation.

Excellent first chapter with the right touch of mystery and suspense without overdoing it. I'm not a YA reader, so take my notes with a grain of salt. I think that those who do enjoy YA should like this, at least from what I have so far read. I'll note a few things below that might help clean it up a little:

Maybe it was mom... -- 'mom' should be capitalized when used as a title, as in this case. It wouldn't be capitalized when used generically, such as in 'Maybe it was her mom...'

Alice stayed silent... -- this sentence really runs on. If you read it aloud I think you'll see what I mean

...or be damned for ever... -- should be 'forever'

If we go when the rain comes... has a comma splice in it. I'd make it a semicolon before 'you know...'

; all of them huddled together... -- change the semicolon here to a comma, as the second clause isn't independent

She looked up at him, he saw... -- the comma should be a semicolon, as the second clause is independent

...find a foothold; some little niche... -- the semicolon should be a comma here since the second clause is not independent

The only other thing that nagged at me (and maybe I'm being too nitpicky--sorry!) is that you stated this was '70 years ago', but the speech of the two teens seemed very modern. I didn't see a year, so maybe you are telling this in the future, such that 70 years ago would be our present. If not then their speech really doesn't feel like it's in the '50's.

Hi Mark,

You certainly kept me reading.

The pace is great and you've got me wondering what happens. It's easy to visualise your characters and places and you've woven them skilfully with lean language.

It does remind me of a kind of Wrong Turn premise, but without the cheese! You're a great storyteller and you unfurl the chapters beautifully always with your reader in mind.

There are a few small errors - missing words and very minor typos. There's also one word I didn't get; marls, in chapter 2. Is it just something my Englishness doesn't recognise?

Other than those tiny crits, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work and wish you great luck with it.

Best,

Sally

Really enjoyed what you have here, Mark. So much so, I'm going to buy the bloody thing ... soon ;)

Haven't got anything to offer in the way of crit ... I think you've got it sussed, mate :D

I think I'm a fan!

Charlie x

Shit, Mark, you can't leave it there, mate ... I'm too involved!

I haven't got anything to say other than this is the dog's ...

Shelf soonish.

Neil

Hi M A Lewis,
Lifers has a great pitch and an attractive cover. I read the first chapter and here are my comments. Since I'm familiar with your style and pace in general from your other novel Switchback, it's great to see that you keep your signature structure here, as well.

I liked the conversation between Harold Robertson and his sister Alice, as it was a useful tool to enlighten the reader about the current situation.

The ending of the first chapter with a short, sharp sentence was also strong, and a key point to get readers hooked in.
I gave you six stars for your professionalism and I see a lot of potential in your books.
Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins- Ten Deep Footprints

Wow! Nicely done! You establish tension immediately and just keep ramping it up. Your writing overall is very fluid and polished, with effective dialog and good descriptions, but what stands out is the intense action. Congrats! Nothing here to pick on.
Best of luck with this! And if you have any interest in children's literature, please come take a look at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Mark, Great book cover! I really liked seeing that big green title "Lifers" that we can read!

Short & long pitch very intriguing!

I've read all you have uploaded ... good cliff hanger! Good dialogue! Very descriptive making it easy to visualize. I thought this was a really good read. The story keeps you on the edge trying to figure out what's going on. I wanna know what's up with that rain??? and those red eyes! From chapter 2-the end, I thought your writing was excellent. Chapter 1 was good but I felt some of those sentences needed to be a little tighter. i.e. "So now they had a new enemy, an enemy capable of leaving a trail the dogs would follow easier and faster. "than any other". (I don't think you need "than any other")

"as" is a word that I was using way too much so I started rearranging sentences (not all) to get rid of it. "As" only sticks out to me in your 1st chapter. But, that might just be me because I'm so used to trying to limit it in my own writing!

I was impressed! I would have kept reading if you had more uploaded! High Stars!

Jane Lawry
The Genealogists: On Holy Ground (Thriller/Horror)
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44825/the-genealogists-on-holy-ground/

Well, you need to get out of that editing dungeon and come to the light of the published because this is an excellent read. Your writing is very good, it draws you in and flows easily. I only read through Chapter Two but I will be back to read the resst. I give this six stars. Bravo!

Abby

Well, so far this is more told from Jill and Vicky's perspective than from Gregg's. Though it is interesting to read the story from the kidnapees' side. So far, I'm counting the names of three girls out of nine who go missing: Alicia, then Jill and Vicky later on. I do like the prison scenes, I wonder what a Lifer is? I'm guessing that's what Harold in the first chapter became "one of". Then returns years later as one of the kidnappers . . . huh? A lot of interesting buildups.

HCG Review Lifers:

Finished reading your chapters. As I said before, it's an intriguing story. There were a couple of present tense sentences, but other than that the writing is great. Can't imagine where the story's going. The only thing that might be a negative is that so far any hope the characters have at escaping the insanity fails. But great job.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

HCG Review: Lifers

Great writing. It’s very easy to follow along with this interesting story. Very realistic dialogue and fear between the brother and sister. Evokes much sympathy even though you don’t know the situation.

Chapter 2 brought more believable characters and interesting storyline.

Chapter 3 has a few more run-on sentences, or they’re at least a little too long. I always wondered how people could get way lost like that. Lol Love your characters. The end of each chapter urges you to keep going.

I like that in chap 4, the partner scratched his head hard enough to wear down his fingernails, but not his head. :)

I’m just very impressed with the truth of all your characters and the telling of your story. I will return to it. Highest ranking.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Hi, Mark.
I have enjoyed all seven chapters of Lifers. A bit freaky, but well written with enough excitement to keep me glued to the monitor. Brilliant dialogue, character description (scary really) and vivid scenes that ran like a movie in my head. Stephen King comes to mind, but i haven't read anything of his lately, that's as good as Lifers.
If anyhting, i'd suggest you enable the reader to increase the font size, by decreasing the size of the chapters' names.
Six stars and on my shelf.
If you have some time, please take a look at The Path to Survival and let me know how you think i may improve it.
Cheers,
Maria

Horror Critique Group

LIFERS
by M.A. Lewis

…is about an investigation into a cult that occupies the little, hidden town of Martinsville. Apparently, these strange townies “come” for young people as they reach 16 years and turn them into “one of them.” They have odd powers (complete accelerated healing), but they have one horrible weakness: Rain acts like an acid on them. The townies have strange pock marks we learn are made by rain drops. Thus, when it does rain, the people huddle in the town hall to wait out the danger.

The story begins with two teens in a dire situation. Alice has been given a secret note that says “they” are coming for her. Harold talks his sister into escaping. A storm is on the horizon, and the rain will mask their escape. They make it out of town but not before the rain stops. Dogs are on their trail—the cult is after them. Harold slips down a hill and passes out. He awakes later still in the woods—no Alice—and as the rain starts, he watches little needle holes form in his skin. His scrapes and cuts from the fall are gone. He has become one of “them.”

Seventy years later, Gregg Pieroni is investigating the abduction of a girl, and as a last resort, he uses a psychic for help. He is directed to Martinsville where he gets into all kinds of trouble. He is subdued and awakes with some pain in the back of his neck. He finds a pin-prick but has no knowledge of how it got there. As the townies chase him, he gets hit and killed by a car driven by two young women.

The townies take the girls and the body back to the city jail where miraculously, Gregg’s body slowly becomes un-mangled. Is he healing? Is he one of “them”?

Meanwhile, Gregg’s partner begins to look for him.

That’s where the story ends and a whole host of questions begin. Most acutely: Why did the author Lewis stop there? I want to know more…at least a few more chapters that might shine a little light on what is going on. It is not fair that the excerpt stops here. Nevertheless, this is a sign of a good story: I want to know more.

I particularly like the dialogue exchange between Gregg and the boy Billy. It is very real and smooth, natural. Lewis’ use of verisimilitude in nonstandard, idiomatic usage is admirable. This is difficult to pull off, but when done well (as it is here), it lends a lot of characterization without exposition. I learned much of the townies in this exchange. Also, Larry’s backstory is done nicely without being too melodramatic.

The townies’ red eyes are a nice, supernatural touch.

There are a few little negatives, but I will point out two:

Chapter 4: The chapter begins with the time 01:05…some things happen, Larry takes Brenda home…and when he gets home the time is still 01:05.

Chapter 5: (Para 19) Can a sky have a demeanour? This personification did not fit too well with me.

I have to say that the melting rain idea reminded me of an old 1975 flick “The Devil’s Rain.” It too dealt with a cult and its fear of rain (at the climax the rain melts them all), but the movie and Lewis’ story concepts are vastly different. Besides, I don’t think Lewis has consulted with a known Satanist like the flick’s director did. (The movie credited Anton LeVey as a technical advisor).

As a horror story, I did not find much. The acidic rain, the self-healing (possibly immortal) townies, the red eyes—they hint at horror but not quite deliver. Like I said earlier: I want more (and throw in some good horror, too).

“Lifers” is a nicely-paced, well-written story, and I hope that Lewis considers adding to the excerpt.

Johnny Appleseed
THE DARK BETWIXT

HCG Review - Lifers

I loved the opening to this tale. By beginning the story seventy years previously it feels like you've added a bit of legend to the 'eerie community'. The idea of rain hurting 'them' is a great one and hooks you into wanting to read more.
The second explosive chapter evokes memories of 'The Wicker Man' and follows the first chapter really well. I'm intrigued to where the story will lead our protagonist and will read more and review in the near future.

Nice work ;)

Lifers will keel you guessing. Although not a lot of the book is yet posted, what is here is quite good. Just when I thought I had something figured out, I was thrown another curve ball. In a way, it reminded me of early Stephen King, when he was writing under the pen name Richard Bachman. Author M A Lewis is not afraid to take chances and he has good instincts, taking readers on unexpected twists that make Lifers sit above the standard cozy mystery or hardboiled detective tale.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

This is an interesting read.
There is a lot of creativity to this book.
You form things very well as you move through the plot.
The title is good and the cover is spooky.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

I really liked this.

You write to keep the reader guessing, the chase was well paced and the first chapter had a good hook at the end. Not a very pleasant town and I like the hook of the 'not quite humans' weakness of rain (or water).

I read the first two chapters and you have a knack for pacing the conflict just right. I liked the strike one, strike two etc. My only suggestion was the marionette that just had its strings severed simile. It read slightly heavy and you may want to change it to abandoned or discarded marionette (just a suggestion).

All the best

Maria

HCG Review.

This is fresh keeping the reader guessing at every turn. Your writing is smooth with very little clutter. The premise of a backwoods community has been done before, but introducing that they are afraid of the rain is a fresh approach making the reader want to know more. Why does Harold and his sister want to escape this place. All of this draws you in. Then you flash forward 70 yrs to Gregg a private investigator investigating the disappearance of a 14 yr old girl Alicia Vincent. His enquires lead him to a psychic who tells him to visit a place called Martinsville. Here he is met with hostility by the local Sheriff and all is not as it seems when Gregg is forced to escape and subsequently knocked down by Vicky and Jill who are lost after leaving the main highway...

I read all 6 of the posted chapter and enjoyed them very much finding little to nothing to comment on. The only thing I did find was a typo halfway down chapter 5 where you put 'came to s stop' which I assume should say came to a stop." Sorry for being picky... Aidan

HCG Review

Mark,

I’ve read all that you uploaded and then I went back and read it again. Rarely does a new idea for a story come along, and I was pleasantly surprised to find one here.

I love the idea of a secret town with a group of folks to whom the rain is deadly. Love it.

Your writing is good, but you do have the habit of ‘over-writing’ or beleaguering a point. You need to remember who your audience is. This isn’t lit-fic, don’t be so formal that you loose your reader. Also, you have a habit of being really wordy. And that tendency almost lost me a time or two. But my interest in the story kept me reading on.

I’ve seen way too many reviews where people say “I would have …or you should” I don’t believe in that as it dilutes the writer’s voice. That is something you don’t want to happen. So, with that in mind, I did reword one paragraph so that you could see what I meant. But that is all I’ll do. You need to write this so that it sounds like you, not me.

I don’t think you need a re-write. The story and the cadence in there. Just go through your pages and see where you can condense. You’ve got some really good action going on, you don’t want your prose slowing that down.

As I said, the story is new and fresh. I like the characters and the premise. The writing is also good, just with a tendency to be wordy. If you can work on that, this would be a fantastic book.

All the best,

Sharon



Chapter 1:

I know you aren’t supposed to start a story with dialog, but I do think that rules are made to be broken…if they work.

“They are coming for you tonight,” In my opinion makes a much stronger opening. Then you can have Harold re-reading the note.

The sentence… “out the window, on the half-horizon” I am unsure what you are trying to show me. This sentence is cumbersome.

“Well make it I prom (there is a square formatting icon inserted here. You’ll want to fix that)

Chapter 2
“there a town, 20 miles south of here” sounding it, marls.” I had to re-read that understand that you meant he pronounced “miles” as “marls” I’m from South Carolina and they’d say “miiiiiles” not “marls”

“There were four of them…he remembers that much” Your tense is off.

The third to the last paragraph. “That said” Most people don’t think ‘that said’ it sounds odd. And this entire paragraph seems rather overwrought. He’s being chased through the woods. He uses the moon to orient himself. The dogs are chasing him. Loads of exciting stuff, but you aren’t conveying that.

“He moves his gaze once more to the moon, but something else caught his eye.” You could say “A quick glance at the moon (why, I’m not sure) out of the corner of his eye a flash of headlights caught his attention”

Chapter 3
I have so many issues with this first paragraph. I get what you are going for, but you’ve lost it. First, an employer would never mention her age as an reason to not hire someone. They’d be too afraid of ‘ageism” Second, you switch tenses and say she ‘starts’ her new job. It all just feels bulky…too wordy.

“At nineteen years of age Vickie was convinced she’d never get the job. And yet five hours ago she said good-by to Columbia South Carolina and was on her way to DC to begin her job as a PA to the editor of the Washington Post”

There are many ways to word it, but you need to do so that it maintains your voice, but doesn’t beleaguer the point.

So this chapter starts off from Vickie’s POV, but she’s asleep?

American’s don’t say ‘air-con unit’. We’d say AC.

Haha.. ‘window-winder’ that took me a moment. It’s a crank.

“but going in the opposite direction only a couple of minutes ago’ That needs re-tooled.

The soft top was rolled back.? It’s a convertible, they don’t roll…

That late in the year, and in the back woods the crickets and frogs would be almost deafening. Not to mention the cicadas.

There’d be red-necks and hillbillies.

Tarmac is only found at the airport.

Chapter 4
This chapter is fine. Not a lot happens, but it moves the plot along.
Bonanza re-runs? Really?

Chapter 5
Good chapter

Chapter 6
Good as well.

HCG review

Lifers:

So smooth and pasey. A fast pased, easy to follow and exciting read, just loved it. You give hints to what is to come with your meantion of the rain that burns their skin which made me read on because i had no idea why this would be. Im sorry i don't have more time to give a longer review (i'm in the mid of jury service), but your story is just great, keep going with it, well done :-)

Hi Mark! This is an HCG review of your book Lifers. I'm not an expert and I tell everyone the same thing. I'm a reader and that's who we all want to reach. I try hard to ignore little details (spelling and punctuation) but sometimes they creep into the picture and shatter it to bits. We all have to deal with this and it takes time to make the story perfect, but with help and time it can happen.
Pitches - these are hard to make right. This one is too convaluted and needs some trimming. Lose the first sentence, it doesn't add anything to the pitches. The next paragraph is one idea which could be trimmed to one sentence and still say the same thing. The next paragraph is the meat of the pitch and needs to be said in a different way.
Ch 1 - there are a few wording issues - Somehow he managed a tree root.... - should there be a 'to grabbed' in there?
Ch 2 - the sentence with - with its long-since departed prospectors leaving not trace of life ever being there, save for the building they left behind. Try it this way - period before 'with'. New sentence - The long departed prospectors leaving no trace of life, only their buildings left behind. Fewer words, same picture and easier to read.
Ch 3 - very good.

Overall it liked this story. Pictures came to mind easily. I've seen this story on an episode of the Twilight Zone or someplace. But the premise has been around for a long time so it's been used by others as well. Yours is new and different. Good luck and keep working this is publishable.
Rick - Jack, I Am and They.

HCG Review.
At first i found this hard to get into and didn't like it, but i stayed reading and once i got into it i found this a good read. The story is strong with good characters. The way you write lets you get into the story well and makes it a good read. Will put this on my wl and hope to finish the chapters i didn't read sometime.

Over all good book and a great read for horror lovers.
Terence

HCG Review

It sucked me right in and is certainly a book I would want to read all the way through. I love books that waste no time in a set-up and simply plunge into the action and you use your limited third person so well, you have the reading saying, “WTF is going on,” and loving every minute of the fast-paced confusion. The clean, crisp prose and the lovely creepiness give readers a sense of their being on a scary ride with a driver they can trust. Sometimes an author may create a sense of mystery and mood, but you somehow know they won’t follow through when the time comes. This isn’t the case here. It’s “Twin Peaks” meets “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” and, if well handled, the marriage will be horrific bliss. The wedding planner and the minister here are the same person and his control of the material promises a great read.

HCG Review - "Lifers"

There is a nice rhythm to this story although it may be a little light on the prose in the first chapter; however, there is a very well laid structure where you reach into the character's minds and give the reader a good sense of the past, present and future of that moment, ie the determination, the consequences, etc. Regarding the characters, the only thing I think may be improved upon is some quirk to make them stand out and more unique - this could also be the prose I feel is missing. You're good with the prose, I would take advantage of that.

I would advise to be careful of some of your prose as they do not make sense. A couple of good examples of this would be in Chapter 1:

"…almost dragged her through the freezing water." Next sentence, "Once they made the other side…" It is unclear how they got to the other side if she wasn't dragged through the freezing water or carried or something, so how could this be "almost"?

"visible trail for the dogs to follow." - dogs would care less about the sight of blood and continue to rely solely on their sense of smell. It's a nice image, but does not make sense.

Well done and best of luck with "Lifers".

Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

HCG Review

This reads as though it has been the victim of an axe attack itself. I don't mean that in a bad way though, I mean it in the sense that it seems very well cut down so as to keep the momentum and suspense going through the first few chapters and I could help but wonder; did you wrote it like this straight off or was it many an hour in your editing dungeon that got it to this point?

As far as enjoyment goes I liked it, particularly the first chapter, the only downside was that we then jumped 70 years when I wanted that particular story to continue. I assume some kind if coverage of the intervening years comes later in the book?

The only thing that struck me as a little off key was how quick (Ok, there were 3 strikes, but still) Greg was to take on the Sheriff. Just a little prior indication as to why he would feel confident enough to take on someone that solid would have just made it a touch more believeable.

Other than that I don't have much to say. I don't know enough about the technical aspects of writing to comment so I'll leave that to others. Would I read on if I had time? The answer to that is yes and with that in mind you can say job done and done well.

HCG Review
Lifer
First i would like to say this sounds like a great story because you have us trying to figure out who or what Harold and Alice are trying to get away from. They are risking their very own existance to get to freedom even if they have to go against a harsh enivornment.

Very gripping story and you used a lot of adjectives to describe the emotions for your characters. I must admit in the beginning i was kinda of lost until i kept reading, then the story started to picking up. :)

I don't quite understand the following phrase:
her nose tucked in the trough between her knees as her chewed fingers twisted un-brush blonde hair

Watch your spelling we all make mistakes in that area I know I do all the time. :)

It was then he realised (realized) the true nature of his pain
The sound (sounds) of water rushed through the swelled creek

I really enjoyed reading your book and wish you all the best and success in publishing it. :)

Andrea Collins
Immortal Lovers The Ultimate Sacrifice

HCG Review – Lifers

I couldn’t decide at the beginning what to think of this – some of the language didn’t flow, but the hooks were great…

i.e. The first sentence runs on a bit and the tense in sentence two is off putting – BUT They’re coming for you tonight? Awesome

He has a hate on for their parents – why?

So I got past the opening – the hooks won :)

From there to the description of the rain storm was brilliant – had me locked right in.

I would lose the sentence about the conditions for their escape – just tell us what he sees when he looks at the street.

Watch your tense agreement – it seems to jump around and that is distracting. You use dialogue well to advance your story. Also watch the use of some words – a smile rescinding makes me go … wait, to rescind is to take it back, can you do that with a smile? … I suppose you could … does that work? And so the story thread was lost … :)

This language use and the tense changes are the main advice I would give you. The story is interesting and you tell it well. With a bit of work, this could be a very good book! I also love that you seem to have something unique with these water wounding creatures…

HCGR
Lifers
Great action from the start, Love the characters of Harry and Alice and the escape was very well described. The same continued into chapter 2 and Greg was a real character. This work runs very fast and is full of suspense. Chapter 3 with Vicky and Jill and chapter 4 with Larry and his memories of Michael and Daniel Madison all make for an action packed thriller that I really enjoyed reading.
Christian

nice cover, nice pitch, not my usual genre, but this book is worth a look...
j

Dear M A,
The most amazing thing about your work is the action and suspense. As you read along, blood pumps and you expect something to happen. Your words are well put and intrigueing.
Watchlisted for more reading!
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Lifers.
By M.A. Lewis.


Exciting start to your book , which is capable of holding the reader to it.
The description of Harold and Alice, desperate to make it to Tarboro Ridge is very vivid.
I could feel the damp atmosphere and the rain as they climb the slippery slope staggering and falling here and there.
A sharp twist to the story as Harold wakes up to the fact that he is now ‘one of them’.
I’m wondering what ‘they’, are. Hoping to find out more as I read on.
Sadly I have to stop here but will be back again and most likely back your book...its well worth it on what I’ve read so far.
It’s on my w/l to continue and for now...well starred.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I like this! you've got a good start here.

one thing you might want to keep an eye on is the long sentences you've got going when you're in description mode. you use a lot of commas which makes for run-on sentences where instead you could shorten the sentences for more impact.

looking forward to more!

At first I thought I must have missed a chapter, it took me until halfway down to make sense - this could put some readers off what actually becomes a promising tale. Have a think about re-writing the first couple of paragraphs because, for me, it detracts a little from your skill. Overall though, I liked your story and will pick it up again at a later date - it will go on my watch list for the moment.

Good luck

All sorted now.
MAL

At first I thought I must have missed a chapter, it took me until halfway down to make sense - this could put some readers off what actually becomes a promising tale. Have a think about re-writing the first couple of paragraphs because, for me, it detracts a little from your skill. Overall though, I liked your story and will pick it up again at a later date - it will go on my watch list for the moment.

Good luck

Cyrus - (Hellion3)