Lorn: The First Fable

CWoG/YARG/WTF Review - Chapters 8 - 9

Well, and I’m back for more Lorn mowing. Suddenly everything is getting rather dark and our MC is important, dangerous and in danger. Nice quick chapter with a good deal of our new world slotted in nicely throughout your dialogue while keeping the pace, so well done.

Moved onto chapter 9 immediately and again rushed through it with ease. The whole stone thing was captivating and magical, as the book is becoming itself the more one delves into it. Is this a problem? I’m not sure, because you need the human part at the start, so if this is quite long, it is no problem, because the pace suits a longer book – so how long is t and is it finished???

I look forward to getting out in the garden and mowing some more!

Did you know that you used ‘I was just saying’ for dialogue instead of “I was just saying”…???

Chapter 8:
“Before I could find something to say to this…”
“Before I could find a response for this…” - just a suggestion
“…as if I could make myself…” - perhaps, ‘attempting to make myself…’
“I had not met yet.” - ‘had not yet met’… just to emphasize the meeting!
Finally a man from you women writers that doesn’t have a chiselled jaw! YEAH!
I like the character in the line ‘nope, no chance of that.’ That is really nice.
Gormless – cool! Your MC is coming to life here.
“I don’t know how(,) but…” (another 2 in the next lines plus more – careful of your BUT usage!) People will start to talk! I’ve heard about you Scots and yer wee kilts!
“Stomach cartwheeling happily” – nice line
Like how the Elf is different from the movies!
Just a thought – and you now know I can find a good page turner in most tales. I think you should finish chapter 8 after the line “Alive or dead, neither will matter to him, I expect.” (Expect should be SUSPECT by the way, but…) let’s be a little clever here and write it like this. “I suspected the same; neither will matter to him, alive or dead.” Then go into the shock and the concern leading to – he wants me dead line in chapter Nine which cements the thought alive or dead just nicely!

Chapter 9:
Oh woe!!!
With the babbling – just for effect, make her babble for a couple of more lines, even if it is tedious and nonsensical.
Careful of your BUT
Premature nights line – lovely
You know, I like the idea that she can recite the words about the world (Before Gabriel…) but as it is a fable/legend… I think you should make the language of this paragraph more other worldly – just a thought
I like the fact that she and the pendant became an US
“Had just gotten weirder.” – I would write “had just become weider.” (Nice close BTW) I just think the word gotten is crap and lazy (no offence) but after the lovely description of the stone which was captivating… ah the gargoyle laments. GET RID OF GOTTEN!

:DJ
The Maia Calendar (and others)

Hi there,
A YARG review for you. I comment as I read to give a fair critique. My opinion is one in the sea of many so take what you find useful and what rings true. Best of luck with your book.

I don't often comment on covers, except when they stand out, and yours is just lovely.

Pitches: I like the short pitch. Clever.

Long pitch: I'd take the 'that' out here... and beings she grew up believing.. Otherwise, its good and intriguing, I particularily like the last line. That pulls the reader in for sure.

Chapter one

I would just say... staring an adult in the face..

This reads a little clunky... I know it isn't it all... maybe.. He doesn't tell me all that is said, Derral's nostrils tend to flar alarmingly when he's lying. ( this is a bit more showing than telling as well)

I'd take out had.. you've already established past tense... In the letter she left me..

You could possibly change this sentence to make the narrative more active... Derral's jaw stuck out from concentrating so hard while Stephanie attempted to outline her eyes with liquid eyeliner.

I'd crop this to read... when the end was in sight she stopped..

Take out 'that' .. a cuckoo the family hadn't realised...

I would probably say.. the New world to the Old.

Okay those were a few nit picks on the way. I think this has a promising start, I liked the dialogue between the sisters, very authentic. The descriptions were good, although I think maybe a tad wordy in places. But that's just style choice. There was a lot of information about Lorn and the other world, and the back story of Emy, not sure if you could feed it to the reader a little slower or break this chapter up a bit. Anyhow regardless, the voice is spot on for the age group, even though your MC is in her twenties. I will come back and take another look at this one.
Cheers J

Lorn – Cwog/YARG/WTF review – chapters 6 - 7

I really like the banter of Myla here. You really have her voice down pat. I also like the way you slip the tell of the magical ways into the dialogue, very nicely done. Liked the drop hint, as if she’s the Harry Potter of your book. Nice tight chapter a bit of adventure a bit of knowledge of the world, but not too much. This is evenly set out with a question at the end. I forgot how good this got... I like the fact that each realm looks at the other as a fairy tale. Nice twist. Whipped through this really easily although it was late (here) and again at the end of chapter 7 a nice setting for questions as to what will happen to our heroine. Alas it is passed my bedtime, but a lovely bedtime story for me to ponder on... :DJ

Chapter Six:
Is HERBIEST supposed to be HERBALIST? Could just be my ignorance
“...the house(,) but...” – characters in ( ) are deemed missing {lots of comma BUT missing in here}
“...of colour off of the crystal tear drops.” – you know, I think this would read better and less clunky as – ‘of colour off the crystal tear drops.’

Chapter 7:
“Teal, as beautiful... us all in surprise.” – not sure I like this sentence. Just jars a bit. LOOKING BETWEEN US is an odd phrase. I know what you’re trying to say, but... sorry
‘tunnel of whipped cream’ – very cute
Careful starting a sentence with BUT. In fact here, you should use it as the conjunction it is to join th sentences. “...piercings. But not because...”
“Butterflies flapped into being in my stomach when the sounds of soft conversations reached me.” – that’s a lovely line

WTF review

Wow, you had me pretty captivated. I read 7 chapters in one go. And I normally dislike chosen heroes and mortals drawn into the realm of the fae and all that stuff.
This is a highly professional piece of writing, I was absolutely hooked and I'm giving you very high stars.
But. Something kept niggling at the back of my mind. Namely, nobody can be that cool. She is told as a child that she's really from another world. You argue that, as a child, you can accept a magical truth a grown-up will never accept. I second that without an instant's hesitation. But she is a grown-up now. Somewhere along the line, she must have felt some doubt. Actually, being told that you are from another world and have to return there some day, is enough to make a sane mind snap. If you told me that, I'd say, yeah, pull the other one.
I don't want to say that Emy isn't a creditable character. She is, absolutely. I could picture her perfectly, understand her, feel with her. It's just that, as I said, she's too cool to be true. Same goes for her adopted sister. Trying to imagine what it must be like to grow up knowing that your sister is so unbelievably special and you yourself are not, I thought I'd be jealous to say the least. And she's only 16, hardly an age to generously accept another girl's superiority. Maybe you could go and add some more emotion to those two characters. It wouldn't have to be much. Maybe a tease her and there, or let Emy be a bit more stunned when she finally enters her original world.
And a few quibbles:
chapter 2:
...the stone which rested in the hollow (of) my throat.
chapter 4:
...I tried to take in every last minute details about Towns Keep. - detail, no s, plus you have 'take in' again in the next sentence
chapter 7:
...I could have swam in it. - swum
...the dress Stefanie had bought me for me last birthday. - my

take care,
Angelika

YAPR & WTF Review

Hello Arriane,

I have read your first three chapters to get an overall feel for your story. I do not go into grammar corrections, as I see many others have already done this and truthfully where to place a comma or semi colon isn’t more forte. Plus, in my opinion it’s the story itself that needs to shine most and then grammar bits can fall into place later. That being said, I’m going to focus more on what I noticed with the plot, characters, etc. Keep in mind that this is all just my opinion, so feel free to toss it out.

In general, I felt that your opening chapter left me with a lot of unanswered questions. By this, I mean, I had to reread and did feel a little overwhelmed with all of the information that was hitting me at once. There were a lot of characters being introduced to the reader really quickly along with a pretty lengthy back story. For me personally, it was a little too much. I would like to see this broken down a little bit more and made more accessible. For example, we learn about Lorn, Derral, her childhood stories, a lost mother, not being able to cross between the Old and the New, King Gabriel, Trey, Stefanie, Eloise, and that stone necklace.

All of the details make it hard for me as the reader, to know what I really need to focus in on and remember as we move forward in the story. I feel like an opening that just focuses on perhaps a childhood story about Lorn, between her and Derral would be great. Then the reader is learning about this other world through dialogue and not being told, and also learning about Derral and your main character’s relationship. This is just food for thought though. Also, this brings up another nagging question that I have that might have been answered (but got lost in some of the details), and that is what exactly is Derral to your main character? I have him pictured as a grandfatherly type.

As you continue on, I like how you show how protective she is of the stone necklace. I’m assuming that this is going to be important later on, and punching Stefanie in the face was a good way to show just how protective she actually is of the necklace.

Since this is obviously meant for the young adult audience, one tip I would have for you is to also check out wattpad.com. It is a site full of the target age group. They read and don’t care about grammar, etc. It’s a really great way to gauge(they tell you how many reads your receive) how the target age group is reacting to the story itself. I’d recommend it, especially for fantasy! Anyways, good luck with this!

Best,


Ashley

YARG/YAPR review on Chapters 1-3

Love the pitch. Intrigue, mystery, other worldly... all the right elements to pull readers in.
Ch 1 notes:
Hiding? oooh... add to the intrigue.
First sentence of paragraph that begins... "He didn't mean it; our whole lives up to..." had to reread that a few times to get what you were saying. Might be better with a little rewording. The story was flowing up until that part, for me.
Same with "I know it isn't it all..." I think I know what you're trying to say but a little rewording might make it flow better.
Back story told very well. Believable. More intrigue. Feel sympathy for Emy already.
"We were that type of place." Love that line
Really feeling sympathy for them all after learning of Eloise passing...
I love Emy's attitude.
"So it did both." Love the description you give of Emy.
Comma needed at "dinner was..back up, the car stopped."
Comma needed at "Unlike Stephanie, I couldn't make..."
Nice little cliffhanger at the end with the seam being, like, right there.

Ch2 notes:
Like the casual approach to introducing us to a new character we will likely meet, the girl from her dreams.
This chapter is more fast paced, and I like it. In fact, I was so into it, I didn't do a very good job of looking for typos, grammar, punctuation, etc. No humps or rough patches for me here. It read smoothly.
Nice punch! I like the MC, Emy, even more. Not a fan of Stefanie, which I'm sure is your intention. Like Derral, very cool dad like.

Ch3 notes:
Comma needed at "When you were five, Eloise and I..."
Comma needed at "When we looked again, ...."
Comma needed at "Outwardly, we were..."
More intrigue added with the pendant. A connection to the others? I like it.
I was also amused by the Duck and Puddle.
Stefanie hooked arms with Jamie... boy Jamie or girl Jamie? I was thinking boy Jamie, but you might want to specify, since we know there are two of them.
Enter the mysterious Trey... don't know the guy yet, but I kind of like him. Or I like the shroud of mystery surrounding him. Not giving too much away, keeping my interest.
A lot going on in this chapter. The pace quickens. Danger, mystery, our MC is about to encounter the unknown... I have to know more at this point. You have me hooked.
Again, I was too absorbed in the story to notice much more... Sorry, but I guess that's a good thing, right?

I'm really enjoying this read in case you couldn't tell. High, high stars from me.
I'll be back.
And thanks for taking a look at Ignited.

Desni Dantone
Ignited.

YARG comments on chapters 1-8.
This is very much my sort of thing and I liked the opening chapters a lot.
Chapters 1-4 work really well. It's very tricky to start this sort of story without it feeling clumsy but I think you've got it just right because you focus on establishing character instead of overloading the fantasy detail. Emy is a well-drawn and likeable lead and her relationship with her adoptive family feels very real. For me that is absolutely crucial because it makes her 'real'. The reader will accept any kind of mayhem once they relate to a believable character.
Background fairy world information is dripfed and the pendant incidents help to raise interesting questions for later.
Inside Lorn the magical world is well realised with a new cast of intriguing characters.
I only have minor issues. In chapter 5 Emy seems to settle into the new world very fast. The magical attack must have been terrifying and disorienting and she only has strangers to help her yet she seems to shrug it off as if nothing happened. Secondly, I really loved the Fairn council, but it became very exposition heavy in places.
Other than those thoughts I really enjoyed it and It's going on the shelf. I'll be back to read chapters 9-16 soon and will let you know what I think.
Regards,
Dave
The Five Stones

Lorn – Cwog/YARG review
Chapter One:
Loved the start, fantastical but then it got a bit bogged down with too much detail (although I see what you were doing – maybe just too many names too soon – depends on your audience) but once you were back in the car, it rollicked along again and the three characters were painted quite vividly. The conversational pieces are all believable and show the character of the characters without those incessant tags I so often see.

Lorn, part of the Old World – not the most original names in my opinion, but what do I know? – is completely inaccessible to its neighbouring world except in one place.
Lorn, part of the Old World, is completely inaccessible to its neighbouring world except in one place. Of course these are not the most original names in my opinion, but what do I know?
(I just felt it was awkward when the previous sections were so smooth. You chopped up a sentence and added the question and the second part didn’t flow.
“I was seven when he told me the fairy tales weren’t make-believe.” - should the THE here be THAT? It just reads better to me.
“I know it isn’t it all,…” should this be AT ALL?
“I looked between them both in the front.” – not sure of your intention here. “My eyes wandered between the two of them as they sat up front.”
Your speech lines are written as ‘I don’t think she’s even listening, Dad.’ … should be “I don’t think she’s even listening, Dad.”
Ass, should be ARSE… especially if you’re in the UK (and especially as it is set in the UK)
“…gotten sick.” – I really hate this word (gotten) it’s really clumsy… BECOME ILL or FALLEN ILL would suit your style better
“…when the end was so near in sight…” – either use SO NEAR or IN SIGHT, but not both… rethink… WHEN THE END WAS SO NEAR THAT SHE STOPPED BEING SCARED
“… from the one she had grown up in…” – perhaps…, from the one where she had grown up
Like the fact that you tell us about Stephanie as an old woman
The nice weather – the fine weather? –
Followed us up – followed us north?
Nice ending linking the chapter back together.

Chapter Two:
Nice quick chapter, lots of info without feeling too much, but some nice scene setting. The reactions between the characters is well rounded and draws the reader in. The ending – the action – was a nice change. If I have any beefs so far it’s that there was a lot of info in the first chapter and little action. I’m not sure if you need to change this, I didn’t find it too over the top and some will love it, but there are probably others who will feel overwhelmed, so the action here was great.
Loved the opening paragraph... visually sumptuous.
“I turned my sketchbook back around and flicked back to earlier sketches.” – I don’t think you need the first BACK here. There are two and repetition isn’t good and without it the sentence is perfect.
“It was too late to be pondering over this.” - I don’t think you need OVER here. PONDERING describes it perfectly.
“I felt at the thought of her taking my pendant away from me.” – I don’t think your need FROM ME here. Stopping at away is sharp and poignant. You have already stated it is hers. If you want to sharpen that fact ten say – OF HER TAKING AWAY MY PENDANT.

Chapter Three:
Big jump back to elves in this chapter, not sure how it struck me, but I was getting used to the real world as you had painted it so well... so I changed my mnd. I got over the sharp switch because all of a sudden there was danger and the promise of derring do, so well done. One point, there are alot of names so far without description (as I mentioned about the first chapter.) Again, I’m OK with it, but I can see others who might not be. Yu could hold some of these back stories til later when we meet these characters (as I assume we will.) Nice quick chapter though.
“The best idea they have is getting you over there and see if...” - the AND here should be a TO

Chapter Four:
Love the feather in the book description
Nice rounding chapter leaving family. Again very human so makes me wonder what will happen once we get into the forest. Nice bitter sweet end between the sisters.
“...retrieve the Barbie(,) but it had been...” – missing comma here
“...Derral hard to see(,) but it looked...” – missing comma

Chapter Five:
Lots of action here... the forest was a bit bland, but then I suppose that’s what you wanted, so good. The mysterious happening (magic) was nicely played and the four characters were well drawn. I think I worked out what irks me a bit. At the end of the chapter you go on about Elves and Vampires. Whle this is interesting. I think you are (and I hate this term & Jaclyn's gonna kill me for saying this) – TELLing too much. You could easily hold this information back until we meet them and whack us over the head with it. That would make the story a little more mysterious and gripping and less of a tell and more action. It’s only a small point, because the story is rollicking along quite nicely so far and also I don’t know what you’ve got planned, so it might be pertinent to bring this up now. Shoot me down and tell me to go f!@# myself as you wish. I’m just as unpublished as anyone (but I will pull the old ex English teacher card on you if that puts me in perspective. A few more small quibbles below, but lovely work and I will be back. I too like to read 4-6 chapters at first because it is difficult to gauge a story before that... Harry Potter excluded, but then she took half the book to get to Hogwarts!
“...the sun rose in the sky(,) but...”
“Whatever happened, someone knew you were coming back except those I told.” – bit funny this sentence. I think maybe... ‘Whatever happened, someone other than those I told, knew you were coming back.’

:DJ

http://authonomy.com/books/51019/the-maia-calendar/
www.thegargoylechronicles.com.au

Hi Arriane,
Great work so far. Really enjoying it. Will not be offering any comments on your writing, don't think I am qualified.
It's a little like my book (hidden Elven worlds etc) although (to me) its seems better written.
High stars and a place on my Watchlist.
I will be back for more soon.
Dave
Legends from the Warlocks Chair

WTF and YARG review

Hi Arriane, so I finally got around to starting Lorn. I like it! You have a wonderful imagination. My only concern is that I haven’t really started feeling that special “something” for the MC. Even though you’ve done a great job of introducing her, her family, background, and a new world, I still haven’t been able to get into her head. Maybe if you went deeper into her feelings as you did in the necklace scene (with her sister), or when she’s saying goodbye to Derral. That scene really made me feel for him. Don’t get me wrong, I really do like it. I just want a stronger connection to Emy.
I took some notes along the way, as always, feel free to use or lose.

Ch.1:
- children are willing to accept what adults can’t – I like this, so true.
- I know it isn’t it all, because Derral (drop the second “it)
- shattered my lost princess allusion (illusion?)
- Not many people know about (it) either.
- saved up to take us out of the little bubble we seemed to exist in, in Towns Keep. (I think I would drop “in Towns Keep”—you’ve told us they live there and the next sentence confirms the idea).

Ch. 2:
- Jamie the girl or Jamie the boy? – this made me laugh.
- the feel of (it) between my toes…
- I can clearly see Stafanie acting up.
- Oh! Punched! Wow.

Ch. 3:
- In the first chapter it’s Towns Keep and here it’s Town’s Keep.

Ch.4:
- The barbie murder incident… hehe
- kept away the people – kept the people away
- I know, Ems, just like you know what I could never put into words, right? – I want to cry!
- I love that Stefanie made an appearance at the last minute.

Ch.5:
- the most unmagical forest imaginable (serves a double purpose: mood and plot) :)
- breaking up the silence (you don’t need “up”)
- the trees where thinning until they ended (were)

Ch. 6
- drawing the attention of Trey. (drawing Trey’s attention.)
- medical herbiest (herbalist?) Herbalist = a practitioner of herbalism.
- twenty-nine years on I’m still learning. (years later)
- The room we stumbled into was so … this sentence does not read quite right.
- rainbows of color off of the crystal (you don’t need the second “of”)

Ch.7:
- One step at a time, Emy… Ok, I’ve been waiting for this. Even knowing about it all her life, I expect her to be more worried, or in denial, or having some other sort of very strong feeling about what is happening to her.
- that one of her people had been attacked(,) Teal looked thoroughly…

Good writing and engaging story. I wonder about the mother’s necklace. I can’t wait to find out what trouble Lynal will cause… and then, the elves. Really curious about those.
Hi stars and on my WL. I’ll come back for more!
L-
EBO

Yarg- is how i found book-
okay first off i think i noticed some misspelling but it may be due to where you live i am from the usa so i know some words in american english are spelled slight;y diffrent than say brit english, so it may be my understanding of them so if thats the case my bad, oops.
i loved it soo much and with fantasy it's hard to get people to always understand that this is a place or a race of creatures, but you nailed it... mine are unedited cuz im awful with technology, got new laptop for christmas so i have been goin nuts just writing .... anyway your book rocked please write more and more of them!!!! i am impressed with this i can't wait to read more. i did not know how the rules went so to be honest i did read cover to cover so please keep going. i also must warn you i am not a good critic but i try. lol i loved every bit of the story, i felt bad for emy, want to know so much more about her story it reminds me of a lot of popular fantasy but diffrent enough that ok never heard of farin, or feral panthers i have heard of feral cats we have those in the states. they are intresting to me. i love the way the charecters interact with each other, the flashback memories were great- it is not always easy to shift from say the charecters monday morning routine to an event from six months ago or thier childhood, you did a great job on it. i told you i'd be back to read it granted its in the wee hours in the morning but good job on the book i love it please write more.

this story looks awsome... i will add comments when i can get to reading it... even though my stories could be doing better i still love to make friends read and write... this pitch is awsome it appears ou write what i love and wish i could write i hope you see the editors desk sooner than later good luck

this story looks awsome... i will add comments when i can get to reading it... even though my stories could be doing better i still love to make friends read and write... this pitch is awsome it appears ou write what i love and wish i could write i hope you see the editors desk sooner than later good luck

REad Ch. 1 Loved it. Fast drawn in, already liking all the characters. Even Trey with only a reference to him (mostly b/c that's my son's name:0) But seriously, this is really good. Your style is smooth and engaging. You've worked the reader up to intrigued and I can tell you this reader is def. moving on to Ch. 2

R,
Alishia
A.D. Duling

CWOG/YARG/WTF - Lorn (only two chaps this time)
continued.

chapter 9

"If i was going to have a drink it would only ever be a few" - ok, i know what you're trying to say... if she's going to drink she's not going to get drunk... but this sentence reads funny, if she was going to have a drink, she'd only have A drink... one drink... not a few... a few is more than one... you see? weird

"when she came out without you" - i think it should be "came back without you" - and WTactualF he killed her? sonuvagun!

- ok i just took a break to run that errand we already talked about, when i came back i reread that para... so basically Nayla was sent across the border, no? - you say she was sent in after the baby, and came out with nothing. so i do get the in/out reference but it still makes me stutter... or whatever the actual eff that means... anyway, i still think you should say "sent in and back" or "sent there and back" and add another line as to why she's Dying... i gather it's because she shouldn't have gone into the New World... but it'd be good to be slapped in the face with that info.

so Emy can travel back and forth between worlds but nobody else can (or very very few), and the mother crossed borders too? so that's how she died? i'm sorry but at this point i forget what happened to her - i'm having a brain fart. either you should remind me here when you mention Nayla's death, or you should be telling me again soon... hopefully

"elves, dwarf-people(,) and humans"

"Lynal offered(,) and i tried not to look offended..."

you have "light ever so faintly" and "nodded ever so lightly" back to back - haha ever so amusing but ever so repetitive

ah - good end to yet another good chapter... except for a book called Light Porn, there's zero sex so far and i'm a little disappointed... loved the elf-princess/human magic breeding, but still not enough to call this world Light Porn... perhaps if Emy gets it on with Trey and Rovin? I like them both, i can't decide who she should be with... but something's gotta give.

chapter 10

"Was I ever going to get used to how beautiful people were here, jeez?" - alright this seems funny and out of place. i'm not really sure i like the thought/question here, but i can't think of a reword. for sure though, i'd move the question mark, because 'jeez' isn't really part of the question, it's more the answer. so "Would I ever... here? Jeez!" exclamation point isn't necessary either, i just threw that in for giggles.

the question about the skin reacting to the light, wasn't really a question more an observation... which is fine but she sets it up like she's posing a question to Teal, makes a statement, and then Teal answers... it's odd. i think you should remove the set up... just have Emy make the observation, and Teal can answer.

"There were so little" i think should be "There were so few" - when refering to the old stories.

lol ok i noticed this before "smooth bark brown skin" - should have a comma "smooth(,) bark brown skin" because the skin is both smooth and bark brown... but i wondered if maybe you meant that the bark was both smooth and brown, and thus the comma wouldn't be necessary...
however, "laughing brown face" definitely needs a comma "laughing(,) brown face" because i'm not sure of the colour 'laughing brown' - but it seems comical and reminds me of those smelly markers i had as a kid, where they had crazy names like mango-blue - and that marker smelled the best. so maybe 'laughing brown' is the funniest of all the colours - greatest sense of humour :)

"drily" ? I don't know what this is... do you mean "dryly" ? i really need to look up 'drily' now lol

"Gabriel is insistent on having it all..." this sentence needs more commas, though i'm not entirely sure where... actually i'd break it up and drop a few words. "Gabriel is insistent on having it all. Whoever stands in his way, or is seen to be in his way, will die."

chapter 10 ending... pfft bunch of jerks.



more to follow
Sir Pips

CWOG/YARG/WTF - Lorn
continued.

chapter 5
"see(,) there was shouting."
"into the forest(;) the forest"
- "beetle black eyes" - really? I thought we decided the go-to was 'jet black' - 'beetle black' is far too creative. cut it out.
- the rock-like guy was described awesomely and I liked that she recognised Trey immediately. is it bad that I want some sort of love interest there... some romantic connection between the MC and the mysterious man on the phone
- more eye framage... this is the third person at least that I've read in your book who has eyes framed by something or other...
"someone knew you were coming back except those I told" - this reads strangely... perhaps "someone other than who I told, knew you were coming back"
"what they were now" reads funny too - like a mix of past and present tense. "what they are now" or "what they were later" - maybe?

chapter 6
"without me noticing but, now I had" might read better as "without me noticing, but now that I had" - note comma placement as well

I also notice you put commas after buts (and 'ands')... not sure why... I'm pretty sure they should be before in most (but not all) cases

"skilfully" looks funny... you're probably right, but I'm thinking there should be a fourth 'l' in there 'skillfully' because the person has mad skills...
"a witch never puts everything in the one place" - I think this may read better without the 'the' - though maybe that's how Myla speaks?
- love the description of Craw and the notion of him being "Myla's element" - cool... though he doesn't have jet-black feathers that frame his beak, I'll let that slide ;-)
- is this possibly foreshadow? Myla is not immortal and Craw is not a shifter - but perhaps something big will happen to change this, and he is in fact her element after all - awesome sauce... I anticipate this greatly
- I think 'wild-looking' should be hyphenated - unsure
"his foot, at rope" - I think this should be "at a rope" - it seems odd without it, same with a sentence before it that said "his beetle black eyes on the far distant mountains" - I think this is missing a word as well, "eyes (were) on the"
"springing ground" should probably be 'springy ground' or 'bouncy ground' - again, not sure...

ooh tree-bark brown, another great description, and natural green hair - love that too... I still don't know wtf a Fairn is... can't wait to find out.

chapter 7
"two (on) either side of it"
"it was cylindrical(,) and to disguise..."
"with that(,) he left"
"from how I had fallen" I think should be "from when I had fallen"
"remove from him" may read better as "remove him from" - but this again is speech so who the bubbles knows
there's a paragraph of Nayla and Gabriel that seems a complete repeat from something you said earlier in the story.
- a rabbit in headlights seems odd... I didn't think rabbits got caught in headlights, deers did... maybe it's a locational thing, since you Scots don't have deers you've changed the saying to rabbits? haha!

chapter 8
"anything you need(,) my daughter, Teal,"
"Myla and I(,) and we both"
"stony faced" is funny - I think it should be "stone-faced" but I actually like stony faced because it made me laugh... not sure if that was intentional, but I think they hyphen is needed regardless
I like that Clayer almost says "patronizing little sh-" - I really like Clayer's personality, though at times I found him to be patronizing, so having him say this to someone else is superb. love it.
I think "emerald-eyed" needs the hyphen, but now I need to look into hyphen usage...
hmmm I think "a seconds' lapse" should be "a second's lapse" - because you are talking about a one second lapse... not many seconds
ooh "Manon the Witch" - nice Craft-y touch :)
"that night(,) were there"

oooh damn Starla Cloud is a beeyatch! but she's painted very clearly as royal, I like that.

more to follow
Sir Pips

CWOG/YARG/WTF - Lorn
Reading this again because you updated and because i love you.

chapter 1
ok i'm not going to even attempt to fix your tenses, because i think you know this better than i do... i'm going to assume that all your tenses are correct and i'm just funny at reading things... but here's a sentence i thought was weird "when i'd been really little" - can't you just say "when i was really little" ?
Elvin Princess looks like Elvis Presley... yup... he's a princess too
another weird tense thing "it turned out i'm not a princess" - shouldn't that be "turns" or "i wasn't" ?
- oh, i'm a little confused here... i was under the impression that Scotland is much like New York... and there are no horses, fields, or cramped B&B's in New York... i think you mean taxis, subway lines, and skyscrapers... you really should do your research... i read a book once, so i know i'm right... ;-)

I did comma research, this is a 'series' comma and is absolutely needed: "grown up, married(,) and found me" - without that comma, you're saying he married you... gross.
"three rows away from Derral's" - i think you mean Derral's parents, but i'm unsure... your sentence is grammatically correct, but i really want to see the word 'parents' there lol sorry
- love the banter between the sisters, though i loved this the first time i read it... also loved the imbreeding line, i think that's new
"dark blue eyes framed by wrinkles" - so much better than framed by stuck on curls or whatever... i like that you're describing what she will look like and not what she does look like... and sneaking in eye colour at the same time
- i also like the description of Emy, but there's a lot of 'dark' in there, first with Stefanie's eyes, then Emy's hair and eyes as well... you really should describe her eye colour as so brown it's jet-black... because that's never been done.
"Got out and stretched his long frame out" - i think you can drop the second 'out'
i don't know the word 'naff' but i love it - adding it to my vocabulary, thank you x
- oh should be a semicolon after naff

love the hook at the end of this chapter, but i miss the old story about what the locals think... you summed it up in a sentence, but i remember reading the crazy stories they used to tell their kids to keep them out of the woods... and they'd been passed down so much that everyone just believed them at face value and stayed away from the dangerous cliff... is this coming? or did it get cut?

chapter 2
haha love the "Jamie the girl" line - please describe her with fire-engine red hair
ah there it is - the mention of curl-framage...
need a comma here "many faces, landscapes(,) and rooms" - it's the series comma again, Burger forgets this rule too and i have to remind him. Must be a Scottish thing.... but when you list stuff "this, this, and that" you need a comma after all the 'this' including the one before 'and' - make sense... or more comfusing?
i liked this "liked their privacy thank you very much" but i think it needs hyphens or some such, as i can just envision the old people saying this matter-o-factly
haha - nice! 'dark red hair' will do - not fire engine, but will do
- liked this ending here too... bitch had it comin'

chapter 3
i think 'bed-messed' should be hyphenated but not sure
'pendent' should be 'pendant'
ooh interesting idea of borrowed emotions and borrowed memories
long black hair and porcelain skin... excellent... foreshadow - adelaide-rose is not human.
also, Stefanie can suck bubbles - just because you get punched in the face does not mean you can run up a $140 tab (sorry i don't have the euro sign, but you get me... same damn thing)
"i need to you" should be "i need you to"

so this is also different - originally Emy picked up the call when Derral was in the other room and he got all pissy about it... i liked this better, because really, the call is important and needed to happen, this way cuts to the chase.

question - does Stefanie know that Emy is adopted? or the story of her 'adoption'?

chapter 4
ah - answered, thank you.
i think you mean "omitting" not "emitting"
lol ooh the Twilight reference followed by the diss... i really hope they have Twilight on the other side of the seam, with a bunch of sparkly non-humans...
"Derral let me, leading the way..." - i'm not sure what this means, i read it three times along with the rest of the paragraph and it seems slightly odd, i'm not sure what Derral ket her do... walk in silence? object to him carrying her bag? maybe just "Derral let me lead the way"
"kept away the animals" might read better as "kept the animals away"
- there in one sentence you did it again, told of the horror stories people used to say of the cliff... i kinda liked the idea of a little more info here... like an entire paragraph ;-)

bah! i got all choked up here, wench. you know what hurt me the most, and you didn't even mention it? - the fact that Derral loses another woman in his life and now has only Stefanie left. how depressing... when she goes off to uni, he'll prolly kill himself. except this is a YA tale, so don't do that... but this is what crossed my mind.

you suck. well done.

back for more later
Sir Pips

Bubs,

A quick YARG/CWOG read for my favorite farm animal lover.

Chapter 12:
-C12, P9, I would probably drop the “through to get” as kind of unnecessary from: “…path was made for us to walk through to get to the middle…” It never hurts to keeps things short and to the point.
-Starting C12, P21, You have this first person Emy thing going, which makes it weird when she’s hearing the conversation between Lynal and Mim. I lost perspective for a minute and thought they were talking to her, but they were just talking to each other (yet Emy heard it). Then they talk to her as if she suddenly arrives in front of them. Know what I mean?
-Little farther down, if Emy is halfway down the corridor when Trey calls out, how is his room across from hers? I would think she would have to turn around and walk back, but there’s no mention of it.
-In their discussion, you say will Gabriel “ever find a way of getting into Bellver?” The reply is weirdly tensed, “would need to have been shown.” Why not “need to be shown”?
-Cool, a mystery about Rovin and Albi.

That’s all the time I’ve got. Good stuff. Adios, Bubs.
-Christmas

Bubs,

A YARG and CWOG. Back for more Lorn. Don’t disappoint me, or I’ll have to stop reading this book and spend more time with the magical strippers :-)

Chapter 9:
-C9, P1, you have Teal propelling Emy, which I took to be a shove or yank from behind. In P2, Emy trips and “she” (Teal?) moved slower after that. Might be pronoun thing.
-C9, P2, Teal lifted Emy and sat her on a desk? She’s a strong one, I assume.
-C9, P10, does it seem strange that simply marrying an elf gives a human magic, knowledge, and immortality? How? It must be some crazy wedding ceremony to have all that happen. If you can’t tell, I’m having a hard time believing this.
-Partway down as Teal finishes talking to Emy, “she disappeared.” I couldn’t tell if you meant actually went invisible and teleporter or if she just hurried away. Next line she is “skipping gracefully out to the balcony.”
-Interesting bit about the sleeping stone. You were about to lose me with all the world building history, but the part about the stone brought everything back to the forefront. Nicely done.

Chapter 10:
-“Blurred speed”, so that’s what you meant by the disappearing. It must have been too long since I read this.
-So how is it that mind checking is only allowed in one room at the mountain? Seems odd to me. The whole mountain is protected, but this one room it’s permitted. So is there some kind of magic that prevents the mind-checking otherwise?
-Does this sentence make sense? “You said yesterday that meeting the Elves hung on last night”. You mean the meeting hangs in a balance on what happened at the meeting? It took a while to figure that one out.
-Poor Emy. Hardly anyone likes her. I really feel for her in this strange world. Now I’d really like some action, because we’ve had a lot of world building lately.

Chapter 11:
-C11, P1, for a second you almost made me think Emy was immortal when you wrote: “I went to bed late and woke early because, as it turned out, immortals needed less sleep than humans.” But you explained that you meant Teal later, so that was fine.
-C11, P2, I’m not sure that you made enough of a connection between sentence 1 and 2. From having fun to waking up sweaty.
-The part about the magic letters and Trey getting them from Emy’s mother was interesting. I’m glad that I was intrigued, for I am really craving some action right now.
-Ooh interesting little love triangle with Clayer and Rovin. Nice. The whole Peet getting upset and Emy nearly crying was okay, though I thought sweet Emy was a bit too close to tears just because she unintentionally upset the guy.
-Nice little question to leave us hanging at the end. Why don’t the Fairn eat in public? And what does Emy know about that and everything? Good stuff.

You rock, Bubs! It’s still fun and interesting. Chapter 9 was a little hard to get back into the story. It’s a complex world with lots of characters. But I really enjoyed the chapters, especially the last. Can’t wait to read more later.

All the best,
-Christmas

Finally here!

So far I have read through chapter five and I have to say I am very impressed, the story itself is well written and it's clear you've done a lot of editing. I love Emy as a character, she is so unique, I mean, I don't know how well I would take it if someone told me I was from another world. Most likely I'd tell them they were crazy. Also, you have done a really great job creating the dynamic between all the characters, I like that Stefanie is so annoying but has that human, more loving side to her when Emy leaves. (Though she totally deserved the punch).

The Duck and Puddle is a great name-- just saying.

Here are just a few comments on some observations I made through the first 5 chapters.

In the second paragraph of the first chapter I was a little confused as to why some of the names of the creatures were capitalized whilst others were not. "Elves, Vampires, Fairns," are all capitalized yet "witches and dragons" are not. I think the choice to either capitalize or not should be consistent.

Another part is when Emy first discusses Trey and how Derrel doesn't lie well. I thought the line, "I know it isn't it all," sounded a little awkward.

When Stef first comes to talk to Emy about her leaving I think you spelled "pajamas' wrong.

Finally, after Emy is attacked by magic and Trey is talking about how he doesn't know what happened. The line "someone knew you were coming except those I told" maybe say "outside of those I told," or something like that.

I really like this story thus far and I look forward to reading the rest :) There really wasn't much I had to comment on because it was so good! You should definitely be proud of your work.

High Stars from me,

Bethany Rojsczyk
Riptide Landing

Quick CWOG/YARG:
This is a great twist on the whole alternate world idea, while adding in the possibilities for a whole lot of fun with the tradition of fairy tales. I've only read the first chapter so far, but I'm really enjoying the main character's voice (although I didn't read the previous version, I think the switch from 3rd to 1st was a great idea). We get to see this very real person as a part of the fairy tales we know and love, although whether she's actually part of one we know is yet to be determined.

But this story seems to be more than that, it's a coming of age story where the character has a completely different life to come to terms with. She's at the point in her life where she has no clue where her future should lie, but at the end of chapter one, we see that it's laying in a completely different direction than she had planned.

This is really good stuff. I'll be back to read more as time permits. For now a spot on my watchlist and a handful of stars.

Bubs,

A YARG and CWOG review. Picking up where I left off. I can’t believe that no one has reviewed this in the last 7 days. It’s a crime. Oh, well. Here goes:

Chapter 6:
-C6, P1, I’d like to see the blood either “dripping off” or “running down”. But that’s super nitpicky. It’s what happens when I really like something.
-C6, P3, I would add shirt to sleeve, otherwise I’m thinking how did she roll “back the bloody sleeve” if she just took her coat off.
-C6, P13 random pronoun to fix. “Herself” should by “myself” in leaning away from the crow. Ooh, a crow. A farm animal of sorts. Why can’t she have a pet chicken instead?
-C6, P14, do crows have “nails” or would it be claws?
-Midway down, the sentence starting with “The rocks around us grew steadily…” got a little long to me. You might break that into two.
-Love the mountain rappelling, and the humor. Just past that, you have a punctuation issue with: “At least the inside…” It needs a period after Sun (which incidentally I would not capitalize).
-Ooh, showdown with the Fairn. Nice ending.

Chapter 7:
-Great start. I noticed nothing until a missing word in: “..wary looks on both [of] their very different faces.”
-Just below that, it seems that you should set these words off with commas: “and, to disguise the stone,”
-I’m having a hard time picturing how silk looks like whip cream. Not a crit, just sayin’.
-The part about “Tray opened a second door, the first we had come across” was a bit confusing to me. Not sure what the first door was. Entering the tunnel?
-When someone comes for Emy, I would rather it took her a couple “seconds” not minutes “to say something.” It would be really really weird to not say anything for two minutes.
-How cool that Emy is the subject of fairy tales. Loved that.
-Nothing like a good hook at the end of the chapter. Bravo.

Chapter 8:
-C8, P3, a lot of down in “..of a step down before I tumbled down it.”
-When describing what happened to Emy, I am confused. Was it “the stranger” like a man, cuz two paragraphs later, I get “the thing that had Emy.” Not a human or human-like thing?
-So it’s a Narcla. Would that be a “stranger” or a “thing”. Not a big deal…
-You get a lot of nation building done in this chapter, and it flows effortlessly. Very nicely done.

Still loving it. I’ll be back again to read more.
-Christmas

Bubs,

A YARG and CWOG review. I rarely back anything without have read it all, so I figured I had better come back to read more. I hope you don’t disappoint me….haha just kidding.
I started back at Chapter 3. Here goes:

Chapter3:
-Nevermind. What have you done?!? This is totally different from what I remember from about a month ago. Darn it. Back to the beginning.

Chapter 1:
-I thought they were moving to Scotland, now they already live there?
-Love the interaction in the car. Stefanie is a pain; Derral is well described too.
-I like the hook at the end with New World / Old World. It’s a really solid chapter. Gets me right into the story.

Chapter 2:
-Is this wrong? “Apparently half the town aren’t…” Isn’t would be correct, but it’s dialogue so not a big deal.
-I like the interaction between the sisters. You bring in the amulet perfectly. The punch in the face is perfect. You must have a sister :)

Chapter 3:
-Would “bed messed” sound/look better as “bed-messed”?
-This starts out pretty funny. I like the interaction with Derral.
-How about adding a comma to this line: “…and more juice than one person could really enjoy[,] I owed the bar…”
-This is kinda clunky: “the lines holding together his face deeper…”. Maybe “the lines holding his face together looked deeper….” It’s a great visual.
-You’ve really changed this quite a bit. I thought Emy didn’t know much of anything about the Old World before, and now she’s an expert on Elf Human relations? It’s fine, not a crit.
-Emy has quite a bit of attitude. I like that she calls out Trey on the phone with the “Who are you” routine.
-Typo toward the end in: “…and I am sorry, but I need to you get over this quickly”
-To be honest, something didn’t quite sit right about the conversation. It seems that Emy should show a little more emotion about leaving. I can see that you really tried. There are lots of good descriptions, but something about it seemed to miss the real shock of it happening right now, so soon. It’s not bad, I just wonder if I could get a little more feeling. This is huge!

Chapter 4:
-I think you mean “omitting” not “emitting”, hence the gaps
-“The first page was blank of a name” sounds weird. Why not just blank?
-Right below that, can we drop the second had in “had had the foresight…” I’m not sure it’s necessary and had had’s annoy me.
-That’s sweet the way Stef and Emy are nice to each other at the end. I liked it
-I feel the pain of leaving much more strongly now than back at the phone call. This is great.

Chapter 5:
-I’m so ready for her to get there. This is good pacing. One more chapter of normalcy would have been too much.
-Why capitalize “Sun” in paragraph one and later on?
-I like the flashback. Perfect length; good information.
-The description of the forest and when Emy arrives to the other side are really well done.
-The first half of this chapter is your finest work. It’s great. Then, I got confused. If Emy was attacked by magic (the pain was written awesomely), why did it not affect the others? Or did it? She wakes up and the one person says lucky they found her before the soldiers. But she was talking to Trey and the other guys when it happened. Did it not affect them?
-It seems that you try to explain the attack at the end, but I’m still a bit confused. Probably because it’s Emy’s perspective (first person), so it’s not wrong. Just frustrating.
-Toward the end, except sounds like it should be more like “in addition to “ or “besides” in the line: “someone knew you were coming back except those I told.”

Five chapters in, and I’m enjoying this mightily. You can guarantee that I will be reading more soon. The only thing it really needs is some magical strippers. Think you can work those in sometime soon? Please? For me?
-Christmas

You write in a really down to earth contemporary style which is in fitting with modern children's stories, and it's nice to read about mythical with out the writer trying to write like he or she is in the medeaval era :)

I would try to shorten the first paragraph if you can. Or look at rewording it slightly more simply. I have tried to figure out how it may be done to give you an example, but right now I cannot. But what I would be attempting to do, is getting the book to start with the action, rather than an explanation. You could always add some of the explanation about the place later in the book. Maybe start at the point, "I don't think she's even listening, dad." Then trickle the back story bit by bit.

If you have not already, watch Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, MirrorMask, Legend, and there is one called Falcon, or something like that, about a magic castle that is never in the same place twice. All great films that will inspire you.

Great work, I will give it lot's of stars!

YARG
I really enjoyed the Barbie murder story, and the display of sisterly affection was nice especially since Emmy had just punched Stefanie the night before.

One thing I'm not particularly fond of, and it's likely a personal preference, is the use of brand names. ie Ugg Boot's. I don't know why, but it always rubs me wrong--just saying boots would be as effective.

Aside from that, I do find this to be a very engaging piece, and I am enjoying it very much. It is well written, although I think a read through and some polishing/editing can still be done. I noticed some commas that seemed out of place--comma splices, and ones that were missing (before your conjunctions--a good rule that helped me was, if the clause preceding and following the conjunction could be a complete sentences on their own than you need a comma before your--and, but, so...etc.

Also, some of the phrasing seemed off. For instance--I had been twelve would probably sound better as, I was twelve.

I've made it through chapter five now and I think you have done a great job of setting up the plot and your character's personality is really coming through so good job there too.

I look forward to reading more. Best wishes, Geneva

YARG review

Finally found some time to get to this!
Really like the idea for this one: two dimensions in the same world. A bit like Stardust, which someone's already mentioned, but you've put your own spin to it with the whole 'no one can pass through' except for her. You've created realistic characters, (I hate Stefanie!) and a realistic setting with the small Scottish town. I really liked your opening, explaining about the fairytales, though I have some notes about it too (see below).
I've written some notes as I went along that I hope will be helpful.

Chapter 1
- ’when I (was) really little I genuinely thought’, insert 'was' instead of ’I’d been’
- I’ve been wondering for quite a few paragraphs now what tense this is supposedly written in, but it’s past tense, isn’t it? When you start talking about ‘brought me back to the present’, you speak in past tense. You’ve jumped back and forth with it up until this point, though, and I’d advise you to fix that. It’s very confusing. You have some tense changes throughout.
- I’ve learned that one of the rules of writing is that you should place the reader in a place, with a specific character, as early on as possible. I’d mention that she’s sitting in the backseat of the car, looking out a window, thinking, already in the first or second paragraph.
- I feel that ‘working in the local pub’ is an awkward thing to say, when it’s obviously just to let the reader know
- Ooh, I like how this chapter ends!
- I’m wondering, though, if Derral really would’ve had a daughter like Stafanie when he’s obviously not that type, and when the MC turned out alright. It’s just my speculation, though. I know people grow up differently just by choosing different friends.

Chapter 2
- The only thing I can comment on in this chapter is, who is she saying ‘whoops’ to? To me it sounded sarcastic, but I can’t imagine she would say it like that. It would work better as a thought, perhaps?

Chapter 3
- The things that make Derral emotional made me smile, haha!

It shows in the lack of comments I was able to make in this that it's already well-written, so congrats to that! ;P I hate to leave just when she's going to the Old World, but I'll be back!

Sabina Frost
Annie Get Your Ghost

well I've been grossly misinformed... I was under the impression this would be the first fable of light porn... you know... soft porn meets elves and the ugly jewelry one has to wear in elvish porn....

true, your way is better, but this still came as a shock

This is a long overdue YARG--though not all of my YARG as I will certainly read more very soon.

I have really enjoyed reading your first chapter. Your character development, even within this first chapter, really shines through. Your writing is vivid and clean. There were just a couple of minor points: in paragraph 8--I don't think the comma between call and to tell is necessary, and in the next paragraph I think there is just a misplaced comma it should be before the word and not after.

The one place I really got tripped up on was the description of the stone I couldn't quite put my finger on it though, except your use of 's which in this instance would show possession--if you move the words outer edges to follow stone's than it would work. I will say that the entire description needs work though. It's as if there is a missing word or something.

Aside from that I really enjoyed this chapter and I look forward to reading a lot more. Geneva

Hi Arriane. Here is your return read:

Chapter 1

I really like the opening lines. I love how it starts out telling us that the MC grew up knowing fairy tales exist and has this amazing power. You builld intrigue and suspense form the beginning by throwing out so many mysteries in the opening chapter. What is this necklace? Who was her mother? Is she going to cross into the old world? ......

I would love to come back and read more. I am putting this on my WL for future backing. :)

Racheal McGillivary

Another amusing story on elves and other magical creatures. It is nice to see the glimpse of your imagination, thank you.

Since you have asked to let you know of inconsistencies: Chapter 12, first paragraph “I excused herself…” needs to be fixed. Chapter 12, paragraph that starts with “Stretching out on my bed” continues saying “I slipped her hand…” that needs to be fixed. Chapter 14, paragraph before the last one, last sentence: “I was able to keep herself there” needs to be fixed. Chapter 15, paragraph starting with “I started to become unsure if I could stand…” fix “The sky glowed, purples and pinks bright above her…”

Hope you will return the favor by reading my book Return to Eternity,

Alexandra Mahanaim

LORN - THE FIRST FABLE (YARG!)
I like this a lot. Usually I try to provide what I fondly imagine will be helpful criticism as opposed to the usual bland praise. But after three chapters of LORN, I really don't have any. I shall be glad to read more when time allows.

There is one sentence I would change: "It was the very hotel I'd been found outside of." It's ugly. Maybe delete the "of" - which does defy a particularly pedantic rule of grammar anyway - or just rewrite it? Or, of course, ignore me.

The biggest compliment I can pay these chapters is that I am so into your story that I'm gnawing at a couple of probably very minor issues: Where are we, and when? Scotland, Cornwall, Oxford, and pounds all suggest the UK. But a bar tab of 150 squids? And two days in a car to cover the ten-to-twelve hour drive from Oxford to - say - John O'Groats? I'm so convinced by your story as a whole that these slight incongruities have me wondering if there is some other secret you are hinting at.

Leaving my silly flights of fancy to one side, this is really very good. Colour me impressed.

All the very best

Evangeline

CWOG/YARG
Hi Arriane!

Thanks so much for your lovely comments about 'Solitaire'. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you! I've read your first chapter.

I do love your opening two lines. Very dramatic. And you instantly introduce a clear voice in the opening paragraph, which lets us get a sense of character. A great opening!
I love how you keep the mystery of who Derral is going for a little while. Really adds an extra incentive to read on.
You introduce this fantasy world very clearly in an easy to understand way, which is imporant because sometimes fantasy novels can confuse you right from the start. You don't do that though - your creation is very accessible.
You use humour as well - your dialogue is exceptionally witty!
This is really great writing. High stars, and a backing from me.

Well done and good luck!
Alice
'Solitaire'

CWOG and YARG Review

Arriane,

I’ve read the first three chapters and have enjoyed it. Up to this point, it has sort of reminded me of “Stardust.”

You write very well. Your characters are believable and the voice of the narrator does a great job of drawing in the reader from the very beginning. I’ve also enjoyed your knack for portraying detail and emotion.

I really don’t have much by way of constructive criticism – just a few nitpicky items:
- Watch out for the comma splice. I caught a couple right off the bat in chapter one. 1) “She was just fourteen, it….” 2) “She didn’t mind, it meant….” (In both these instances, the comma is separating two distinct thoughts and should be replace by a period.)
- There’s a typo in chapter 2 “… where wardrobe doors sounded like (THEY WERE or THEY’RE) being slammed…”
- Watch out for repetition. Derrel shuffles a lot and there are a couple of repetitions of thoughts and emotions.

Other than that, I really have nothing to say, except for well done. High stars and added to my watchlist.

Lynn
Surviving Sunset

Arriane,
I only read the first two chapters, but I really like the story so far. It's fascinating and the characters interact interestingly together. Emy cracked me up with her sarcasm, and I enjoyed her and Stefanie's sisterly quarrels.

I'm kind of nitpicky, so I have a few critiques for you. In ch.1 you wrote, "She wasn't normal, but even family don't like to be reminded of that." I think it would sound better to have 'doesn't' instead of 'don't' in this context.

In the first ch. when Emy is thinking back on her childhood, it says "If Emy closed her eyes, she could even think herself back into the moment..." this takes the reader out of the moment by interrupting the flow of thought and memory.

I really like the expression you used in the first chapter: "catching the beats of her heart in her palm". This is beautiful and very vivid.

In the 2nd chapter, watch use of commas and semicolons. I think you used a comma once or twice where there should be a semicolon. When you first introduce Adelaide-Rose, the reader doesn't need to know why she left for a moment, just that she did (unless it's important later in the story).

I also really liked the metaphors and similes you sprinkled throughout the story.
Sorry I have so many comments! I'm better at the small things than looking at the story as a whole. Like I said, it's a great story with excellent characters, and I can't wait to find out what happens to Emy.

Rachel Fike
An Awakening

Arriane,

This is truly a delightful story. I am enjoying it immensely, which reminds me of my first critique. Borrowing from Steven King's book on writing: "beware the adverb". There are a few instances where I thought they did not belong and only took away from the charming feel of your writing. Early in chapter 2 you wrote: "she jutted out her chin moodily" for me that line didn't really work. Nor did I care for it when the "number, flashed up on the screen teasingly". There are a few others, but I don't want to beat a dead horse - I do love horses too much for that!

About halfway through chapter 2 you wrote: "before she could get distracted with that she turned around...". My suggestion would be "Before she could get distracted, she turned around..." I think that it says the same thing and sounds better. You also began every sentence in that paragraph the same way, which can get a little tedious to the reader.

Hope this helps. If not - disregard - you certainly don't need my help - you are very talented on your own!

:-DB

Arriane,

A YARG review. This is a really terrific story. I have so very few quibbles. The following is a short list of things from the first two chapters that you might want to consider, but that is all. Very well done.

Chapter 1:
-Saying the car shrieked around the corner kind of personifies it, but not in a good way. I would consider using ‘squeal’ in place of ‘shriek’. I believe squealing tires is the more common usage.
-As the chapter winds on toward the end, I could see maybe the slightest bit of over explaining here and there. An example would be talking about Adele-Rose and how she had come to visit them because a water pipe had leaked. Also, the fact that they met four years earlier and she talked to an insurance company doesn’t seem to add much to the story. It seems a bit of a tangent that could be explained elsewhere.
-The interactions at home, and then with the sister in the car are terrific. As before, your dialogue really carries the story, and I would be thrilled to see more of it. Not that this is in any way bad. While fairly expositional like your other book, this one (for whatever reason) was even more fascinating than the other.
-The last line at the end about the Old World was curious. It made me, which is good; but not necessarily in a good way. It made it seem like Derral and Emy shared something special, where earlier the story seemed to imply that he really didn’t understand her. So it seemed kind of contradictory.

Chapter 2:
-I don’t really have anything to critique. I was curious about the suspicious, dark forest. That always get my attention. I guess my only quibble would be how this chapter really ties to Chapter 1. I couldn’t find much of any detail about the Old World, so the hook for Chap 1 seemed kind of underdeveloped.
-As before, the dialogue in the earlier part of the chapter is exceptional. It made some of the more internalized (expositional) thoughts easier to take as the wordiness increased toward the end.
-I like how you don’t immediately give away the mystery surrounding Trey, and I especially like how it is still vague into Chapter 3.

Chapter 3:
-I like that we finally start to get an understanding of the Old World. It seems to come at the right place in the story. I figured the forest was somehow a key, yet you still made it very interesting. This was another solid chapter in a solid story.

This is great. Very high stars and I’ll be watchlisting this one too.
-Chris

Arriane, firstly, its pointless me identifying any edit issues as that has already been done to death below. thats a good thing for me as I can now tell you how good you are and sound really nice....Seriously though, you have a magnificent imagination. I applaud you as I wouldnt even know where to start. Your characters are brilliant as is the premise for the story. Love the way you keep me interested and also love the way you get your point over with a nice flow. Big score for this....
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) .. Please consider me for a read or watch List wont you. Happy New Year.

YARG review

Arriane,
I'm really liking this story so far, four chapters in. This is well-written and imaginative. Emy is a strong character, and the relationships between her and her family members are nicely drawn.

My only critique over the first four chapters is that in chapter four, the paragraph starting 'Emy stayed one more night...' seems a bit out of place, and perhaps unnecessary.

There are some great lines woven in, I really liked the idea of Derrall becoming an old man without warning her.

I will definitely be coming back to read more of this one. Five stars for now and on my watch list.
Kate

YARG review.

C1:

Opening sentence is good – has a hook.
Is she hearing actual voices? Or is it a feeling/intuition? You’ve painted both pictures so it’s confusing.
Why do you keep referring to her father as Derral? You mentioned that Ellie is her adoptive mom, so did they both take her in? Are they related to her? Is Stephanie her biological or adopted sister? EDIT: answered further in the chapter. I think the format of the chapter is a little disorganised – maybe include that info before the car crash?
I wouldn’t wrestle with a suitcase for ten minutes before I threw it in to the car – think you should shorten that timeline.

To be very honest, I feel like you’ve overloaded the first chapter with a ton of information and background. It had a jarring effect on me, so much that I need to read the chapter again to grab everything in, or take a moment to think on it before continuing on to the next chapter – which I will do later today.

I’m trying to figure out the premise of the story and where it’s heading to because at the moment I don’t see the plot, I only see the back story. You grabbed me with the opening sentence and then I got caught in a maelstrom.

You have good descriptions and can handle dialogue well. I’d try to shorten the introduction and spread the back story across a few chapters, and include some plot in-between.

I’ll be back to read chapter 2 later.

Best of luck on the site.

Dekkle.

This is a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG) review:

A very well-written, spirited tale, with a great sense of mystery, and what feels like a real promise of adventure. Growing up with two sisters, I found the Stephanie character to be a frighteningly realistic portrayal of a teenage girl, and I really appreciated the hints of things to come, like with the forest, the necklace, and the phone call.

I wrote down some notes as I read, though they're all quite minor, and are definitely subjective. Please do disregard anything you disagree with.
CHAPTER 1
- This may have already been addressed in your recent edit, as I noticed that Lucy mentioned it as well, but I would think about trimming a bit of the backstory from the opening chapter. The scene with the mother worked very well for me to show that Emy was different, but the memory of the car crash in particular didn't seem quite as essential.
- I might take out “had” in “there came a day when Emy had noticed there was simply”
- The line starting with “When Adelaide-Rose left to talk to the insurance company,” seemed slightly long to me, though this could simply be personal preference
CHAPTER 2 -
- should it be “wardrobe doors sounded like (they were) being slammed” ?
- I noticed “on the other end” quite often as she's on the phone. I might try to phrase it differently now and then to avoid the repetition.

Despite a few very minor quibbles, though, I thought you did an excellent job with this, and the depth to the story and the protagonist left me quite interested to read further.
High stars.

Mike
What, the Elf?
Arrival of the Ageless

YARG review
Hey, this could also be a WTF book, and i think you should take a look at that group as well (they're nice and don't bite) - see link below

moving on, i'm not going to do nitpicks because you said you've still to do some editing based on previous comments... having said that, i actually haven't come across anything i'd nitpick on just yet.

I like that Emy waited until Stefanie's hand was close to her face before kicking the back of her chair - priceless
I also like the idea of the stories of the legendary cliff and deadly falls... when she discovers they are fables, it reminded me of The Village... the things people tell you to keep you from venturing too far

There is a lot going on in this first chapter, but it makes me want to read further on to see how you tie things together...

I didn't really care for the phrasing of this "it was to find Derral" - I think it would read better as "When she opened the door, Derral was in the middle of the living room"
Love the introduction of "Trey" - who is he, do we like him? ah... need to read on

oh i'm broken for Derral and Emy and what is about to happen... how can you look into the non-human face of the one you love and tell them they have to leave? bah! broken!

ah, and there it is... the big tie-in in the form of a letter - nicely played...

At the end of chapter three, i have to put this down, but i shall be back, with bells...

high stars, and a warm place in my heart :)

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

invite to WTF: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/106125/wtf-write-the-fantasy/

This is a YARG review

Lorn: The First Fable

Nice pitches. I’ve read another book recently that has a similar premise (the reality of fairy tales) but this one seems to have a sufficiently original slant.

Chapter One

The opening is a bit confusing. Emy can hear voices in her head even as a little girl. That seems to be what she’s decided it’s a good idea not to tell people. But then she can tell her mother is sick, which isn’t the same thing at all.
It’s more than just voices, it’s voices that are able to make medical predictions or whatever. The explanation, “It wasn’t even a voice, not really.” makes it more confusing still. Is it a voice or not? I’d suggest not starting with the idea of the hearing voices at all. Start with the image of Emy’s weird diagnosis of her adoptive mother instead.

“catching the beats of her heart in her palm” is lovely. Put it in your opening sentence, maybe?

“a good few years later” didn’t make me think she’d grown up from five to twenty. You might as well be specific because I was picturing a twelve year old at the crossing.

“Voices no matter how well meaning…” aren’t voices. Or are they? Which is it?

The descriptions of the Emy’s drawings are nice. As is, “a lungful of car park.”

I’ve only read the first chapter and you’ve got some lovely phrases. Overall, it seems a bit disorganised, like a collection of ideas that you’re not certain about yet. Emy can hear voices that aren’t voices, she’s able to predict the future somehow and she’s grown from a small child to a twenty year old woman. Why is she going on holiday with her family when she’s twenty anyway? Move out already. For an opening chapter, it covers a lot of time and a lot of ideas. It ends with the idea of a mysterious forest near the family’s regular holiday destination. By this point, we’ve also learnt Emy is adopted, was a foundling, would like to meet her real family, likes sketching, has a rude sister etc. It’s a lot.

The image of her diagnosing her mother is a strong one. I’d make more of that and keep this first chapter limited to just one time period and one interesting event.

Your writing consistently avoids being too flowery or wordy which I like, and you’ve set up the plot nicely in some respects. It’s enjoyable but has a slightly disjointed feel at the moment. There’s loads here to work with and it seems well-pitched for your audience.

Good luck with it. I hope YARG is useful.

Lucy

YARG review

Hi Arriane,

I read the first chapter. Nice little hook at the end, I can imagine a faery story coming.... I liked the scene you were setting along the wilds of an ocean torn coast. Emy's sixth sense and inability to relate to her father and sister were well done. I think faeryfolk have always been attracted to foundlings. It seems that Emy is one of those. Excellent buildup for the chapters to come.

Some minor problems with comma placement, but sorry, I'm one of the worst possible people to help you with that. I picked up a couple of points where I thought I might be able to help:

"Unfortunately, or fortunately depending..." should probably be "Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending..."

"...tanned and fair haired with light ..." might be "...tanned, and fair haired, with light..."

"...forgotten about and, while scenic,..." might be better as "...forgotten about, and, while scenic,..."

"... a blanket of grey cloud which discouraged many tourists." should be "a blanket of grey cloud, which discouraged many tourists."

In the paragraph with "...just a dirt track that wound..." you use "just" twice very close together - it looks a bit strange. Maybe "...only a dirt track that wound..." instead.

"...I'm glad to finally get a face to the name." might be better as, "...I'm glad to finally be able to place a face with the name."

"The stories of people walking straight off the edge,..." I have to ask here, edge of what? Should that end "The stories of people walking straight off the edge of the sea cliff,..."

"Instead the ground seamless continued on,..." might be better as "Instead the ground seemed to seamlessly continue on..."

Enjoyable story. I'm glad you've joined YARG. I look forward to reading more.

Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

This is great!! Excellent narration, character development and your world is very detailed. I have no nitpicks regarding grammar or dialogue. Backed!!

Wonderfully written dialogue, you definitely are a very creative person , which is a plus as a writer, I can only see good things happening with this book. Wishing you Much success.

Really enjoyed reading the first chapter - can see the Harry Potter influence but you have developed your own style and as mentioned in other comments the writing is flawless. I have WL for now and will back once I've read more.
Cool front cover too.

David

What a wonderful story, and with it a wonderful imagination! Great job on this original story. Your writing is smooth and seamless, like their travel. You edited your story well. I couldn't find any errors. Your chapters end so that you want to continue reading to find out what happens next. Great job!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

original and well told: an theme updated, very well done...
l will back...
read SEASONS...

As the mother of Arrianne I have had the privilege of being involved in the growth and development of author and characters of Lorn, which I am very proud of. Whilst this may present itself as biased opinion. I am in awe of my daughter's ability, creating a wonderful place where I would love to visit. I simply love the way my daughter uses ordinary words but presents them beautifully which captivates an audience and inspires them in wanting to share in the experiences of the characters.

Hi Arriane

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron