The Missing Link

Lesley, thank you for backing my book Deadly Dot Com Revenge. I have placed your book on my watchlist. The ptich sounds intriguing and can't wait to read it.

Sylvia Talo

Confidently written with a good mixture of narrative and dialogue. Would be interesting to see how this story pans out but had to stop at chapter three - it's all I can give due to other return read commitments - but the story had prospects. It had me going anyway.
Starred and rated accordingly.
Will read more when get the chance.
David

The pacing of this first chapter is good and the dialogue is not stilted by natural and moves the plot along and reveals the characters personalities. I am shelving and starring.

Simone Marie
My Rhapsody

Hi Lesley,

While this story is entertaining, I'm afraid there are just a few too many typos and credibility issues. I've onlyy had time to read the first chapter but from this I can see that you need to sit down and have a good editting session.

As to credibility, first when you diswcover you have been burgled, you phone the police immediately, not sit gossiping over coffee.

A chief Inspector would not be sent investigate a routine burglary.

I won't go through the typos as I'm sure they have already been mentioned, but just one example 'party of the world should be 'part of the world.

Ron

Hi Lesley,
You have the ingredients for a good story, here, but it reads like a first draft. Every writer rewrites and rewrites until they have made their work perfect. You know what you want to tell us, but sometimes what is in our head sounds confusing to the reader. I found a few sections of this chapter confusing. I worked it all out as I read on, but it's best if I don't have to wonder what is going on when I read it.
I was confused at the beginning - she was dreaming, she wasn't, she was. I had to keep scrolling back to work it out. How about beginning by setting the scene - she's in bed and dreaming about a nurse. Then be woken up by her friend.
I also struggled with the two of them standing in the kitchen chatting about things, when she's discovered her shop had been robbed. Surely, she'd want to find out what is missing.
I'll try to get back and read some more when I have the time, as I've only read chapter one and I don't think it's fair to judge on that alone.
Juli
Juli

Hi Lesley,
You don't need me to repeat all the faults that have been logged on your previous messages. But I will add that if you own a shop and a friend rushes in and states: 'The shop has been burgled. You've gotta ring the police' You are not going to reply, 'What shop'? Even if you have been daydreaming.
Your idea of a story is a very good one, but there must be credibility in the telling or you will lose your audience very quickly. The obvious response would be 'Oh my God' and rush downstairs to see the damage and what is missing.
It's very easy to get caught up in the excitement and make-believe world of recounting a fictional story, without stopping to check if the actions of your characters ring true. We all do it. Our minds race forward to what we want to get across to the reader without building a solid, credible foundation. Put yourself directly into your character's position and say to yourself 'how would I react in their situation.'
It's been said many times before and it's a boring task, but even the best authors need to edit, edit and edit again. Pare it down to the bare bones.
Good luck with this,
Sully.

The pacing of this first chapter is good and the dialogue is not stilted by natural and moves the plot along and reveals the characters personalities. I am shelving and starring.

Simone Marie
My Rhapsody

Lesley, this has a great premise.

I do feel you would get more reads though if you made a couple of tweaks. The main one for me is that there is too much information told too early. If there is anything I know about the crime genre then it is that by drip feeding the reader information on a need-to-know basis you create suspense and hook 'em in. For example, at the end of Chapter 1 'so we kept talking till Chief Inspector Dafoe finally arrived, an hour later,' is a closed ending. Is there a way perhaps of making it more of a question?

I would be very happy to come back for another read.
Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

Confidently written with a good mixture of narrative and dialogue. Would be interesting to see how this story pans out but had to stop at chapter three - it's all I can give due to other return read commitments - but the story had prospects. It had me going anyway.
Starred and rated accordingly.
Will read more when get the chance.
David

Hi again Leslie. I read the first chapter and wanted to give some feedback. As others have said, there is just way too much information being revealed straight away. Gill wakes up to the news that her shop has been broken into and rather than call the police right away she stops to think about the past. It would make more sense if the memories tied to the burglary or the missing figurine, but the memories seem out of place.

If you could edit the first chapter a bit it might flow better. The premise of the story is definitely interesting and I want to know more about the mysterious figurine. I look forward to reading more!

Sylvia Talo
Deadly Dot Com Revenge

Lesley, thank you for backing my book Deadly Dot Com Revenge. I have placed your book on my watchlist. The ptich sounds intriguing and can't wait to read it.

Sylvia Talo

Lesley,

As I read the first chapter, I started to feel as if I was being handed a huge amount of information about Gill. And much of that information felt like what you needed to know in order to begin the story. However, as a reader, I'm willing to wait to discover much of Gill's history much more gradually as I dip further into the story.

Something you could try is to begin with Joanna showing up to announce that Gil's shop has been burgled. Then delve into Gill's response, in the moment, without revealing too much about her past. Then weave in the past gradually as events unfold.

You have obvious writing skill, and your story appears to be multi-layered and complex and thus well worth a revision effort. Good luck!

Ann - Counterpointe

this premise is really good. i fear that your pitch is dry and over-telling, readhing like a history book or newspaper clip. it deserves a pulse! make me want to read on!
j
what every woman should know

Hello Lesley,
This is a captivating read which strikes deep. Personally, I think it would be worth spending some time sorting the fairly trivial formatting issues which might tend to make those in a hurry to complete the read a tad irritated. Otherwise, I suspect the ms could do with some polishing, but who am I to judge as I am not yet published. Good luck with this, I found it interesting. Backed for the considerable potential.
Rheagan Greene - Bitter Truths

Thanks again for backing A Scorched Family.

I think you have a good story here. I am also an amateur. I like details, but every tiny move distracts me. I agree with those who suggested Jill would have reacted to the break in more vigoriously. You've already heard about Jack Daniels. I'm sure you will fix it. Read it again and again. Revise again and again until it sounds right. Let it rest a few days and read it fresh, editing as necessary. This seasons a good story. I still have you on my watch list.
Best wishes.

Norma Davis, A Scorched Family

Hi Lesley, thanks for backing my book. Comments have not been that critical so I'm quite confident releasing this true story on to Smashwords to see how it fares in the world of digital downloads.

I've had a quick read of THE MISSING LINK. First off, I really like the cover art and the backdrop of the story is intriguing. I love "can't remember" stories both for purposeful diabolic and tragic accident reasons.

Like so many of the others here, I agree that details are not quite authentic. If I may give examples ~ a doctor would never ask for tampons in a gynocological situation especially if trauma were involved. I also agree that the name "Jack Daniels" would be very corny and trite if you want to be taken seriously with your readership. However, if the book were to be tongue-in-cheek then the name from a whiskey bottle could be hilarious but I think you're opting for a story more serious, right?

I found the overuse of the word "Then" to be a youthful style choice and the same beginning too many sentences with "So". Both choices are considered red flags for rejection by editors and agents and I've even heard that such use "shows" a lack of skill so much they'll stop reading right there. The mixing up of English and American terms and 'feel of the story' are showing through as well.

The overuse of commas is distracting and fragmented sentences too many. I wasn't convinced I was reading something new and exciting as certain details I found to be cliche' with lots of misspellings. If this is a rough draft, I think you have plenty of feedback to start the carving up process. When this is tighter it will be a truly unique story of its own.

If you love writing, never stop!
~ Mia
Thy Kingdom Come

I would suggest putting Chapter Two in Chapter One's position. I think you needed Ch 1 to get yourself going, but you got going in Two, so you could delete One. See what you think. I would change the Inspector's name unless you mean it to be ironic. Jack Daniels is an iconic whiskey made near my hometown. U.S. readers will most definitely pick up on it. Is your MC purposely forgetting (self-imposed denial) or has she had some brain trauma? The memory loss isn't explained yet and could serve as a weak thread. I like the way the story is going. Take it through an editorial carving and repost. Good effort.

Memphis Girl (Ashes by Now and Drowning Lessons)

Hi, Lesley. I am definitely interested in your story. You have the makings of a good mystery. The main thing that I noticed about the first chapter is that something happens that is shocking and alarming to Gill -- her shop is burgled -- and yet she stops and thinks about the past. I think this is a simple matter of minor rearrangement. Have her get to the shop with all speed. Then she can tell us about the past. That would make more sense to me, as far as character motivation and action is concerned. But keep going! This is an interesting idea for a story. Good luck with it!

Hi Lesley,

Thanks for backing My Husband's Memory. I read the first two chapters of the Missing Link. I like the story, I like the idea, and I really like her voice. Unlike other reviews, I'm not even sure I mind the giant back story in the beginning. Its actually unusual enough to stand out to me. I do think you could do with less telling more showing.
Some crits:
You do need a good line editor (sorry, that's not me. I need my own line editor!) There was someone on the BHCG boards who was offering to line edit chapters. God knows why, but he was ;-)
Why the single quotes instead of the traditional "..."? Just wondering. Sometimes I've seen dialogue punctuated differently for stylistic reasons and its always a risk. Either it will be distracting, or if the writing is so good, it will add. I can't tell if yours detracts or adds. (Million Little Pieces by James Frey had no punctuation at all. I found this initially distracting and then overall it added to the "rebellious" feel of the book, IMO)
Maybe its different in the US, but the police would definitely NOT question her about one case while there on another case. I found this hard to swallow.
I think you're overdoing the "she can't remember something happening to her" bit. I think its more subtle to drop it in, hints here and there. I read up to Ch 3 and I think its mentioned three times, with more than a sentence each time. IMO, there's some merit to teasing the readers...not hitting us with sledgehammers :-)
Your pitch needs some cleaning up. People won't want to read the book if the pitch has spelling and grammar mistakes. Incidentally, I did not find many of those in the actual text.

Ok, that's all the bad stuff. I'll reiterate the good. I'm into it, I want to know what she can't remember. Although by your tags, I suspect something with an abortion. May want to remove that one if there's an AHA moment. I noticed it right away.

Good luck!
Kate M

I wrote a review a while ago, but I decided to reread, as you read mine. You've got an interesting story going on, and I think it would be great with a few little revisions! I like the narrative style, and the concept is pretty good. I will definitely check back when you've edited this a bit!

Hi Lesley,

Thanks for backing 'Smalltown'. I hope you enjoyed what you read of it. You might also be interested in reading 'Adam Runs' as well, which was written much more recently.

Now to your story:

I'm not going to start picking holes in the grammar, spelling or choice of punctuation. From the rest of the feedback you received it should be clear to you by now that your work does need another careful run-through with a red pen and a critical eye.

I feel that you probably have a very good story to tell here, and a very clear picture in your head as to how it should go, but I would certainly re-think that mammoth chunk of back-story you decided to put at the beginning. I don't have a great attention span, and as such this pretty much choked me. Not that there was anything WRONG with the backstory; it wasn't tedious or cliche, it was just (for me) too much to digest all at once this early on. Perhaps it might work better in smaller portions spread throughout the book, or told in another way (looking through old photographs and a trip down memory lane, for example. - OK, now THAT was cliche, but hopefully you get the idea).

The other thing that struck me was how non-plussed the characters appeared to be at the news of the break-in. It it were me, I'd be freaking out - and livid for DAYS afterwards. Their reactions (expressed through their dialogue) just didn't ring true for me.

Understand though that this is only my perception. Stories like this aren't generally my cup of tea - but then, I prefer coffee to tea. And what is more, I wouldn't know a GOOD cup of tea even if it hit me in the lower half of my face :)

I think just with some polishing on the grammar etc, the dialogue, and the redistibution of backstory, this piece would flow much better in its initial few pages (where the story really has to grab the reader and hold him for ransom). It would also make it much more approachable for idiots like me who have next-to-no attention span.

I'm adding this one to my watchlist, and I'll give it another whirl when I have more time.

Good luck with your writing.

Hello, Lesley-

I read through chapter 3, and offer the following comments. I want you to be assured that your story is sound and interesting, but it was the little things that I stumbled over, things that would annoy a reader and distract from your excellent story:

“…she put on the same clothes he had worn yesterday.” The same clothes SHE had worn yesterday.

Quote mark: ‘Then I will deal with him, okay?’ (the first quote mark is backward but I can’t render it here). There are a number of places throughout the chapter where one of the quotes is backward, distracting the reader.

“The man promised to come about two..” One period, not two. Or did you mean three periods, an ellipse?

“He paused, and then said, ‘Bye Gill.’. A period before the quote or a period after, but not both.

“He might see her, recognized her.” Recognize her. That is, if you mean “He might see her, (and might) recognize her.”

“Will this war going to be like World War II?” Too many words. How about, “Will this war be like World War II?”

“…off she went, down the stairs, in to the street…” into

“Please,” Gill bagged. I think you mean “begged.”

“went in to the lift.” Again, shouldn’t it be “into?” But maybe that’s the way you write it in the U.K.? Here in the U.S. spelling, etc., of course is different. Case in point-- we’d never say “lift,” we’d say “elevator.” So maybe you are right with "in to."

“All she did at the moment was selling books about the paranormal.” SELL books

“Gil looked her friend in the eye.” Gill

“Whoever has done this to him must be punishedt.” punished

You put a tremendous amount of work into this, Lesley. There’s a lot here to interest a reader-- a woman who drinks too much, who married her husband only because he got her pregnant. The woman’s flirtatious tutor in a coma, hooked up to a breathing machine, a man whom Gill thought may have been poisoned. And a lot more.

So much of the writing is good-- one example: “Gill was startled, she was already thinking in the past tense.” But you do not want to discourage your reader to the point where he/she may put the book down because of all the “little” things I pointed out above. The little things are actually quite big, as they distract the reader from the dream you are trying to create. Good luck with this, Lesley, and happy editing!

I think this is great overall. The only thing that put me off was the huge font, and the fact that you haven't uploaded all of it. Maybe a bit more showing than telling would be beneficial, but I think a lot of writers are guilty of that, and your story was still enjoyable. Good luck with this! x

Lesley,

A meaty story here with lots going on, but I must say TOO much, especially in the first chapter. Too much background, too much 'telling' rather than 'showing.' Why didn't Gill go rushing into the store to see what happened? She had to have coffee first?!! I couldn't figure out why someone didn't immediately call the police. I like the characterizations, but too much too fast. This reader couldn't digest everything thrown at him so quickly. (But take that as a good thing- it can be spread out).

In chapter two I was distracted from the story line by the name Jack Daniel. Was his name supposed to echo the fact that Gill had a hangover- did she drink Jack Daniels last night? I also wondered why we had to know (immediately) that Jack Daniel's wife was killed by a burgler fifteen years ago. This kind of thing slows down the action of the story. It's action and pace that a reader of this kind of story wants, and you can put it there by sorting things out, keeping the story moving ahead, and slipping in background information here and there.

I hope some of this helps.

Best regards,

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor

Thank you for backing Riding the Rails. i do hope you find time to read it. I try to read those who have backed my book but I am very slow at getting through them. Once again, thank you. Susan

The Missing Link
I think para 3 ch 1 is all ‘tell’. You need to show a bit more to reveal the backstory. This could easily be done by a small scene, where the two of them are conversing and without telling or using them to state directly – we were at university – you did botany (not ‘plant life’) – I went for a job at a local newspaper etc. Use the dialogue to reveal their relationship –
‘Oh, come on, it’s years since I went off to Uni.’
‘You left me for a load of plants’ lives.’
‘Botany is hardly something one would leave someone for.’
‘Well at least I got married.’
‘And divorced.’
The focus then would be to interest the reader by making them work out how the two are related.
Only a suggestion. You might not even need to do that until chapter 2.
The phrase ‘she had not slept much’ isn’t needed, you’ve implied it by the paragraph before.
The dialogue from ‘get up’ down to ‘Fine I shall get dressed.’ is too wooden. Would you converse with a close friend in this way, particularly a friend who has seen someone breaking into your property and not phoned the police. Would it not go:
‘Get up. Quick. The shop’s been burgled.’
‘What shop?’
‘Your shop. I saw people smashing in the door as I drove past. Hurry. We need to ring the police.’
‘You didn’t do it when you saw it happen?’
‘I was driving past, so I figured, I’d come and tell you first. It was only minutes ago. Hurry.’
Joanna ripped the bedclothes away. ‘Ring the bloody police, will you?’….
Each time you use dialogue you have to hear yourself saying what the characters are saying and constantly ask yourself – would she say that? Does the way I’ve written it tell the reader what I want them to know about my character and her reactions. Would you really say, ‘Fine, I shall get dressed.’? No you’d say, Bloody hell! Pass me the phone, quick!. At least I would.
You then launch into more back-story bout Frank.
You have to do this in scenes, even if they are flashback. Show the reader the story, let them work out the relationships. If you tell them everything, it isn’t much fun for them.

A scene consists of:
Person, place description (sights, sounds, smells), lighting.
An action that affects the character. Dialogue. Then the consequences of the action. Then the characters feelings and thoughts about the action.
Then another scene. By building scenes you build the story and create your characters.
OK. It’s not all bad…
I like the way you start with a story question and a person’s name. I like the fine detail of getting dressed. I like the story, which with a little work on the writing will make a great tale.
Let me know what you think of my comment, whether it’s unfair or incorrect.
All this is said with the kindest intentions and to be taken with a barrel of salt, because I’m only an amateur like you, though if I can help at all I would love to.
If you feel this is all bad advice, you might be right I guess, though clearly I don’t think so!

fascinating story, told in a fascinating and original narrative style...well worth my backing...
read SEASONS...

Great Book. By thew way, you don't have to back my book or comment on it. I am posting mine for internet marketing purposes.

Les,
Not to be nit picking, but there are a few things that struck me in the first chapter
If Joanna had SEEN the front door being smashed why didn't she call the policee? I think she would have behaved differently. I'm not feeling the urgency from Joanna.
"From" should be "for" her eyes.
About divorce, 'he a;;eged sounds as if he alleged he divorced her.
too many latelys

'come' into should be break into or reasonable facsimile.
It seems disjointed, how does Joanna know what's missing ot what's not? When did they leave the apartment to go down to the shop, there's no transition.
I hate to be only negative, the characters seem interesting in and of themselves, it's just the nuts and bolts of the grammar.
I'm far from perfect, but i would want to know, and that's why i posted mine, to get an unbiased opinion. Keep writing and don't take it personal. Best of luck
Wagid62

Les,
I appreciate you taking a look at Served Cold. I just added The Missing Link to my watch list and will read it as soon as i can. Good luck and keep writing
Wagid 62

Les,

I found quite a few errors in this piece. I'll come to them in a minute though.

The quote at the beginning was superb, but does it have any meaning in conjunction with the plot?
Your two characters, so far, are interesting. You say this is based on a true story, which is promising, and it would be even better if it were semi autobiographical, as such stories are always easier to tell.

Now, some of the errors:
"Get up. The shop had been buirgled, you gotta ring the police." firstly the mis-spelling of burgled, your spell-checker should have found this, but also it woudl be more believable as "Get up. The shop HAS been burgled..."

"...sweater from the chest of drawer," Spell checker would not have found this one, but it should be "chest of drawers."

Tlaking about trousers: "stepping into it, zipping it up." Surely would be "them" rather than "it".

Similarly, talking about problems "..but he couldn’t, wouldn’t help her with it..." Should be "them" unless the problem was singular.

"..too old or too embarrassing for her children to be seen walking with a man on her side" This sounds like the children are seen with the man. Try "...too old or too embarrassing for her to be seen, by her children, with a man at her side."

"It’s not much worth" would sound better as "It's not worth much."

"Do you remember how it looks like" try "Do you remember what it looks like?"

"He can’t effort that" Difficult one to spot, but should be "afford" rather than "effort".

OK, it needs some serious editing, but we all have to start somewhere.

Best regards
Warrick

Hi Lesley

Read the first chapter over breakfast - enjoyed the dialogue but felt the story took a while to establish itself - but you say it's based on a true story so I maybe that's the way it played out. It's an easy and enjoyable read so far so I have added to my watch list for now and will come back for more later with a view o back.
Please have a look at my book - I would appreciate an honest appraisal.

David J Baron - The List