Midnight

An interesting story with a compelling pitch and a 'straight into the action 'hook.' I'm not quite sure how is who just yet; maybe a little explanation as we go along? Not too much, but enough to make it slightly clearer. Other than that, a very good start.
Andrea
the de Amerley Affair

Hello Jillian,
I picked out your story because the premise was similar to mine, how humanity survives in a post-apocalyptic world. You plunge the reader into the action right from the beginning and throw up lots of questions. There are lots of elements of mystery, the Dr’fols, Cat’s absent mother, the unnerving world she lives in, but they are presented in a rather confusing way. The first chapter takes place nine years after the prologue, so I guess the action at the beginning was a defining moment in Cat’s life. It possibly needs to be made a little clearer what exactly is happening in the prologue since it’s obviously of importance for what follows.

This reads to me like a first draught where you have thrown down your ideas but haven’t gone back yet to pick out the problems. There seem to be a lot of sentences with missing words, and some that don’t make sense to me like, at the end of the prologue:
‘Rita grunt with change.’
I think maybe you should read your work out loud, especially the passages of dialogue to make sure it all makes sense, and in particular, so that the reader knows exactly who’s speaking.

I’d have liked to have seen a little more description of Brightlight, to get a more visual idea of what Cat’s environment was like. The fight scene is a bit sketchy too. Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to describe some of the Brightlighters, what their village looks like, what kind of defence system they have, the clothes they wear.

This story has potential and I’ve starred it for that reason, but I think you need to tighten it up, make sure the words say what you mean. Why not join the Young Adult Review Group on the forum? There are loads of people with helpful comments to make, and you can compare writing techniques.
Good luck with this.
Jane

If you feel like reading something along similar lines to your own book, I’d be pleased if you’d look at mine and give me your opinion.
Jane Dougherty Wormholes Book One: The Abomination
http://www.authonomy.com/books/39357/wormholes-book-one-the-abomination/
and The Dark Citadel
http://www.authonomy.com/books/39639/the-dark-citadel/

I like this story. It was a little confusing at first when you through us straight into the action without explaining your world, but I find this story is has caught my interest. I am really curious to see where you go with your story.