Book Jacket

 

rank 11
word count 22364
date submitted 13.12.2011
date updated 20.05.2013
genres: Science Fiction, Young Adult, Chris...
classification: universal
complete

Jessup and the Teleporter

D. S. Hale

Jessup is caught in the middle of his parents' ugly divorce. Can a teleporter help bring them back together, or only make matters worse?

 

Terrorists want Professor Strunk's new invention, the Teleporter, because whoever controls it, controls the world. His invention has the power to change the way the world travels, shops, and fight wars. Life on earth would change forever, and not for the good of mankind.

Professor Strunk teleports himself into Jessup Ousley’s television in a desperate attempt to escape the terrorists, but the experiment goes terribly wrong. Now it’s up to twelve-year-old Jessup to save the world. When he decides to harness the teleporter’s power in a side mission to reunite his divorcing parents, Jessup quickly learns from one botched attempt after another, that the press of a button can't make his problems go away. Machines only make them worse!

 
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action, adventure, cliffhanger, comedy, coming of age, fast paced, funny, kentucky, mystery, preteen, science fiction, teleporter, terrorists, transpo...

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Chris, Raymond, and I scrambled off the sofa at the same time, and fell in a knot on the carpet. Another scream split the air. We untangled ourselves and ran for the stairs. 

My heart flopped in my chest like a mouse trapped in a box. The scream sounded like Sabrina, which meant Dad was back, which meant she must’ve seen the book bag emerge from the TV. It didn’t even cross my mind they might witness the experiment.   Once again I failed to think the whole project through.

I’m so stupid! 

Raymond took the steps two at a time. I followed him, with Chris behind me. The smell of fried chicken wafted down the stairwell, mingled with a sickly sweet odor. I wrinkled my nose and my stomach churned. It smelled awful!! Dad was always trying something new in the kitchen, and by the smell of it, tonight’s dinner was another one of his infamous trials.

When Raymond reached the top step, he jerked to a halt in mid stride, and I plowed into him. My nose twisted against his shoulder. Then Raymond screamed. I don’t think I ever heard a boy make that kind of sound before.

The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I couldn’t see around him, or tell what he was yelling about. Denise kept a broom under the stairwell, and suddenly I wished I had it for protection. Raymond crumpled over the side of the banister like he might fall, or throw up, giving me a clear shot of the living room.

What I saw made my gorge come up, and I swallowed repeatedly so as not to spew the acidy fluid. A smoldering, black blob had poured out of the TV like vomit and puddled on the carpet. The smell wasn’t from one of Dad’s abominable dishes. It came from the oozing mass on the shag rug. I knew immediately what had happened. 

How could’ve I been so greedy; so thoughtless? So careless? We thought nothing could go wrong; so insulated from evil by our parents, and church, and the four walls of our homes. We took life for granted and assumed nothing could ever fall apart like this. Bad things happened to other people. That’s what I believed.

Sabrina stood beneath the archway that separated the kitchen and the living room, her hands covering her mouth, her favorite doll forgotten at her feet. Her face was as pasty white as biscuit dough, and her eyes were like two muddy puddles.

I wished I never laid eyes on the teleporter, wished I’d listened to Chris, and called the police like he wanted. It was my fault. In my haste of wanting my parents reunited now, I had killed. Dad said my generation was the NOW generation. He was right. 

In the split second that Raymond turned the knob and set the teleporter in motion, Pecos must’ve sensed the danger and leaped at the teleporter to protect us, and was sucked into the vortex that I had struggled against. Pecos had been expelled out of the TV like Raymond’s phlegm, and just like Professor Strunk’s mice.

Chris pushed at me, and I remembered he was behind me. I quickly turned and tried to block his view. “Don’t look! You don’t want to see!” But in my turning, Chris bobbed to the left and gained full access of what was left of Pecos. I felt him freeze beneath my hands. 

“No, no, no, no,” he moaned. Chris climbed over Raymond and me, and crawled to the mangled remains of his beloved dog. The vinyl red and yellow book bag had melted, and looked like mustard and ketchup in his fur, bones, and flesh. 

Dad hurried into the living room from the garage, coming behind Sabrina.  “What’s all the screaming about?” He carried my sleeping brother. He stopped when he saw the mass on the carpet, and Chris crying over it. He grabbed Sabrina by the arm and swept her past us, and down the hallway. He didn’t scream, or yell, or demand answers.  Dad knew how to take control, even if he didn’t understand the situation.  

I was glad he was my dad at that moment. Occasionally, he messed up my life with his choices, and put me on the spot in front of Denise, or Raymond, or embarrassed me in front of my friends. He was often unreliable and a push-over, but beneath that passive exterior, he was a strong, take-charge kind of man that sometimes knew exactly what needed to be done. Despite his failures, I loved him. He was there when I needed him.

My heart squeezed sharply as I realized how Mom must feel to wake up everyday to the crushing realization that she no longer had Dad to talk through decisions that had to be made, or calm her fears, or turn on the light when she was scared. No matter how unreliable he was, or how much he embarrassed her, or how bad his choices were, she still loved him the way I still loved him, and Dad would never be there for her again, the way he was there for me.   

Dad returned from down the hall like a Tasmanian whirlwind. “What is this?” He demanded sharply. He knelt on one knee beside Pecos, touching Chris on the shoulder. 

Chris hiccupped. “Pecos,” he managed to whisper.

Dad looked at Raymond and me on the stairs. “What happened?” He charged.

“We heard a noise,” Chris said thickly, answering for us. “We heard a noise an-and thought it was you. We didn’t pa-pay any attention until Sabrina screamed. We thought-we thought…” He ended weakly. 

Dad didn’t push for a better explanation. He got a box out of the garage and gently moved Chris out of the way.  Chris shoved the transmitter with all that dog goo on it, into his waistband, and pulled down his shirt. With a dustpan and broom, Dad  scooped Pecos into the box, and carried it out the backdoor.  The sickly sweet scent lingered near the discolored, wet spot in front of the TV.

Raymond and I made Chris come downstairs with us.  We heard my dad upstairs, spraying the spot and brushing it vigorously. Chris was crying. I couldn’t blame him, and it made me feel worse. 

“I told you to destroy it!” Chris accused angrily, tears running down his cheeks.  He threw the transmitter and it smacked me in the chest. Dog gooey stuff splattered my face.

“I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t know this would happen, and you didn’t either.” I rubbed my cheek and nose vigorously.

“Why don’t we call a council meeting of The Force?” Raymond said. “This is bigger than us.”

“No,” I cried. “They’d ban all of us for using the teleporter, and for killing Pecos!” 

I killed Pecos.  Me.  

I shuddered. What was happening to me? How many of the Ten Commandments had I broken---just today? 

Chapters

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Bart Jahn wrote 35 days ago

Hello Donna...just finished chapters 3-14 in one day. Excellent and very original, imaginative story. Quite brilliant, actually...you weave together a "Honey, I Shrank the Kids" or a "Back To the Future" fast-paced adventure tale with some poignant family issues from the perspective of a 12-year old.

You might consider tweaking this into a movie script after it finds a publisher...Christian movies are getting so good now maybe they can produce the required special effects...or it might get picked up by Hollywood. The story has a lot of potential.

I will keep you on my bookshelf for May and June while it is on the ED. I do not see any nitpicks or have any suggestions. This is a fun book to read, so I see it gaining popularity in Authonomy and hopefully finding a reputable book publisher, and broad success soon. God bless you. Bart Jahn

Tovran wrote 36 days ago

I hope you realized you kept me up until 5:30am reading your story.

I dislike YA books. I usually dislike Christian books. I am famous for hating first person stories.

But this had me enthralled from the first paragraph to the point that I couldn't turn away, and kept clicking the next chapter button. I read from chapter one through to the end in one sitting. It was completely engrossing, had me teary-eyed when he sat in front of the church and prayed (I am Christian, after all), and had me cheering at his heroic childhood stupidity. This has to be one of the best stories I have read in months.

Bravo and you've got a new backer!

Always,
Jennifer Anarien

Joshua Jacobs wrote 497 days ago

The opening scene to this novel is ingenious. Through the events taking place, you brilliantly reveal everything the reader needs to know to be grounded in the story. Too many authors provide page after page of background information that ought to be written into the story. This is a phenomenal example of how to do it right.

From there, I was impressed with how well targeted this is for the audience. The word choice is active and fitting for the genre, and I could easily see my middle school students loving every word of this.

I also felt the voice was authentic. The thoughts and feelings felt spot on for the age. And though the narrator occasionally seems older than twelve, I believed Jessup’s character. This was very effectively written.

I love that this is a Christian novel. Christianity needs a voice like this one for its MG audience.

Nice way to finish the opening chapter. Good hook!

To be honest, the only real problem I had with this was the time period. I felt it would be more effective if this took place in present day. Really you would only need to remove or modify the cultural references. For example: the game system. Nintendo 64 really dates the novel. Your target audience was in elementary school (or younger!) when the Nintendo 64 was popular. Providing more recent cultural bits (or none at all) might make this easier to market.

Other than that, I can see why this has risen so quickly in the rankings. I highly recommend checking it out.

jsault2003 wrote 507 days ago

Chapter One
Excellent use of Chapter 1 to show the disruption of a twelve-year-old’s world when caught in the middle of divorce. So often we forget their pain. You portray in a realistic
storyline how the pre-teen view is shaped by an impossible mission they undertake; that of sabotaging the relationships the spouses have moved on to.

The storyline in this chapter is therapeutic for two groups of people: the first is the adults who underestimate the level of understanding that children bring into adult situations. The second is those youngsters who need to understand that the divorce of their parents has them thinking the same types of thoughts that their peers do. In essence, the thoughts and actions that they take when facing divorce are shared by other members of their age group. They are not alone.

You used an appropriate cliff-hanger at the end of the chapter considering the age group your manuscript is directed at.

Chapter Two
I knocked over my chair, scrambling (scrambled)….

Loved that line…So much for man’s best friend.

You have shared a portion of your vivid imagination in such a way that pulls the reader further into your world.

This is a great action sequence beginning with Professor Strunk matializing inside the set and the actions Jessup took to free him.

Chapter Three
I see excellent character development of Jessup and Pro. Strunk. The character of Chris seems to be a little underdeveloped, but still you managed to make this chapter work very well.

Chapter Four
Raymond takes in all the information he has been presented with too nonchalantly. He is faced with a strange adult in front of his face covered with a quilt. He has just been told that the impossible has happened (a human being teleported into the room), and that Jessup plans to use a teleportation device to break up the relationship between his (Raymond’s) mother and Jessup’s dad. For this scene to sound natural, there needs to be some resistance from Raymond to what is going on in front of him.
Considering everything so far, this is an excellent story for today’s young. The writing is well crafted. Your sentence structures are clear and show evidence of very careful line editing. You demonstrate enormous control of the language and a vivid imagination.

Very good work. My vote is for five stars and would have been six if not for my concerns about the way Raymond reacted to the scene before him when he first walked into the room. I will place this on my shelf and come back to read more of it once you’ve added some more chapters.

turnerpage wrote 517 days ago


You plunge the YA reader right in the middle of the story by your use of first person. You clearly know your market and have targeted accordingly. This has energy and brio and is full of the kind of action that would draw kids in. There’s nothing worse than being caught by your peers with the wrong stuff and I really do like the way you highlight the technology that was so last week…. Kids of course, are way more on top of this, as you so cleverly acknowledge, than their parents.

Although the set-up is about a boy caught up in a divorce, this in no way feels like issue-based story-telling. Instead, Jessup’s own adventure is allowed to take over and it does, at break-neck speed.

I like the little details – particularly that Pecos the Labrador features in the story (but that’s maybe because I’m a biased Labrador-owner). I love the dog’s reaction to the sight of the Prof coming out of the TV set…. ‘scrabbling to his feet, claws clicking on the hardwood floor, skidding out of the room as fast as he could.’

This would really lend itself to either an animation – in the Toy Story tradition or a kids TV film. No wonder this is doing so well and I wish you every success with this. Not just here on Autho – but where it really counts – out in the publishing world. Highly starred and on the WL.
Lambert Nagle – Revolution Earth

Malo Bel wrote 2 days ago

Review: Jessup and the Teleporter – D.S. Hale

I like the way the start pulls the reader directly into the troubled world of Jessup. His dilemma is well explained and sounds like the struggling mind of a child-not-yet-adult.

The imaginative “birthing” of Prof. Strunk through the TV is very well written and a clever use of descriptions.

I like the way that the teleport mechanism is not just assumed but that you explain some of the trial and error making of the device that Prof. Strunk went through.

I love the description of Raymond’s adam’s apple – made me chuckle.
I enjoyed the quick pace of the book, mixed with a great mix of detailed explanation that draws the reader into the text.

I enjoy that Jessup reacts like a child in many situations, rather than an adult with adult emotions. This makes the story seen a lot more authentic.

I also like the fact that it is not a “feel good everything goes right” book and that things go wrong and that Jessup has to deal with this in life. This teaches valiable lessons to children, while letting them enjoy the story.

The gross concoction they come up with is enough to make the reader puke – well described…feeling slightly nauseous reading this part ;-)

I like the way, once again from the young boys perspective you weave in his views and relationship with God without making it contrived.

Chapter 12 – should read – “Socko-Rocko unceremoniously dropped ME onto the driveway…..”

The action keeps up to the end which is great, and while it is the kids the save the day, this is exactly what you want from a kids book. Overall it is engaging at lots of fun to read. Well done.

Geowonderland wrote 3 days ago

DSH,
I like the twist in your story. It starts with some dramatic story that a lot of teenagers can resonate with and then it quickly enters their imagination. I think it's a great read for them.
Best wishes,
Aneta

Stellajr wrote 8 days ago

Donna, Your book has a wonderful imaginative plot, which will have great appeal for its target audience. I also like how you made the main character spiritual in nature. It would have been tempting to have a happy ending with his family reunited, but your ending is more realistic, and therefore more helpful to youth facing a similar situation. The only suggestion: When I studied for my CompTia A+ Computer Certification, one of the things emphasized was the volatility of CRT televisions. It is important to make sure they are fully discharged before even attempting to repair one -- unless you want to end up toast. To take an axe to one would cause a serious explosion. Just something to consider...

Aside from that, great job. Highly rated and on my shelf until you reach the desk.

Danielle Malki wrote 9 days ago

I just read chapter 1. love it : )

Danielle Malki wrote 9 days ago

Every intriguing pitch. I'll have to give it a read.

Just one typo I noticed in the pitch: "His invention has the power to change the way the world travels, shops, and fight wars." It should be 'fights wars' because the world is singular.

Cas Meadowfield wrote 10 days ago

Jessup and the Teleporter


The child's voice comes over well. Jessup's dilemma of who to live with makes him a sympathetic character.

Ch3 loved the description of Professor Strunk arriving in the TV
Ch5 so exciting; must read more.
Ch6 'Mom's fuzzy blue slippers' in the kitchen made me think she was there with them and not upstairs... Need to say he goes round to the back of the house...
Ch7 but don't they need to be injected with rubber to use the teleporter? Ah...the dog
dies...
Ch 9 needs something between "What are you doing?" and My stomach...
Ch10 didn't the teleporter take the food bomb to the house? or was it left behind?
Ch12 Needs 'me' between' dropped on to the driveway' and before 'and jumped'

Great ending. I really enjoyed reading this
five stars
Cas

Reid-Sumter wrote 13 days ago

Oh this is quite adorable. I love the amount of focus and character that's emphasized in your novel. Very beautifully written, playful, and quite the read. It's charming and folds very evenly like a summer's day read. I could see myself passing this book down to many others in the future.

Alastair Miles wrote 14 days ago

I can easily see why this book is such a success. I'm not an expert on the young adult market but it strikes me that you've pitched the language just right. I'm a bit late to the party so I don't think there's anything significant I can add besides what's been said already. The cliff hanger at the end of chapter 1 is fantastic by the way.

One thing, I admit the idea of a kid swinging an axe at an old telly did make me wince, axes are bad enough but CRT TV's can explode/implode dangerously when damaged. Not an ideal message, I could just be being a prude but I thought it worth mentioning, I'd write saving the Prof in a different way if it were me.

Anyway, I fast forwarded through and it's an excellent romp, could easily translate into the film and I like the way the family issues are resolved in the final chapter.

Best wishes and enjoy your medal when you get it! Hope HC are kind.

Regards, Alastair
Going Afterlife

Nanty wrote 17 days ago

Jessup and the Teleporter.

Chapter 1.

'Come Monday morning...I'd be...' - consider changing I'd to I'll, as it's more immediate - also, not sure if you need '...and like a man.' For me, it was a distraction, until reading on Jessup lets it be known the judge has said he's an adult now.

'...Denise, used to be Mom's best friend.' - ouch, that has got to hurt, and highlights perfectly just how much Jessup hates his father's new love.

'...wgite-capped-acne-volcanoes...' - smashing - made me laugh

'...with the flyswatter a few times like she smacked me...' - joyously un-pc

From the outset a reader knows exactly what the situation is and the conflict that's going on, a good thing with books for children. I also think you've expressed Jessup's feelings well and in a believable way, together with his dread of having to make a terrible decision. Jessup's rebellious streak with regard to God, hinges on the upcoming divorce and way He hadn't done anything to prevent it, is also realistic.
Great hook at the end of the chapter.

Chapter 2.

'Further down, my two years old brother...' - two-year-old brother

Really good pace in this chapter, sometimes a bit spooky, sometimes a bit comedic, and I really like the way you've woven Jessup's brother and sister into the story, simply by keeping them immobile.

Chapter 3.

'Everything else seemed to be my fault lately.' - very good, and again realistic.

'They went down to the end...and talked into their walkie-talkies.; - consider - spoke into their walkie-talkies to break up the 'alk' sounds.

Introducing the teleporter, spies, espionage, and of course danger, not to mention Professor Strunks strange 'birth' via the television. The only thing I would suggest in this chapter is to break up the section where the Professor explains how he worked to make his device and perfect it. Perhaps wiping slime from his face shaking from shock, which he must feel to find he's arrived safely despite the violence of his entry into Jessup's bedroom, and perhaps shuddering at the thought his invention could be stolen.

Overall: This is enormous fun, and very well polished. Jessup shines, as he deals with what appears to be less traumatic things than the finalization of his parents impending divorce. The prose flows, the voice is excellent, the pace doesn't let up,and Jessup's mother's condition and her despair are deftly woven into the fabric of this story. No loose ends flapping in the wind here. All in all, I think there would be very few children who wouldn't be grabbed by this book. No wonder it's done so well.

Nanty- The Sphalerite of Almandine.

Oceana wrote 19 days ago

CCRG
I had a good time reading this. Don’t have much to suggest other than in your last chapter I think you want “incalculable harm” rather than “incalculated harm”. I plan to back you for at least a week. Best of luck, you’re almost to the ED!

sherit wrote 23 days ago

Hi Donna...Thanks for being so patient with me so that I could make it to the weekend and find some time to read. I'll be honest...outside of reading all the Harry Potter books when my kids were younger, I don't really read this genre. I have to say, however, I was pleasantly surprised. You have a very easy, flowing style of writing and do and excellent job of channeling a twelve-year-old boy. I laughed in chapter three when Jessup said he'd make a good shaggy. At least I got that reference! I do thing your target audience will find this a great read. I can see why you are doing so well on the site. Will star you highly and leave you on my WL. Wish you all the best.
Sheri Emery / Crazy Quilt

Alice Barron wrote 26 days ago

This story is very exciting and there could also be a very dangerous outcome. We are swept away by the events unfolding in Jessup's life. Jessup is in a dilemma. His mother and father are getting a divorce because Jessup's dad has found a new love in Denise, Raymond's mother. You paint a very good picture of Raymond. We are involved in the story from the offset with Jessup playing a game and pretending one of the characters is Denise and he tries to zap her with his controls. Most of the people reading this book will be familiar with gadgets like this, so well done on a terrific opener.

You have some very good descriptions in chapter one, enabling the story to move along nicely. For instance, the banana peel slapped onto the kitchen linoleum........smoke rolled from the back of the set, and it crackled and snapped.........and the case fell away like the shell around a hardboiled egg.

What a shock Jessup and his friend got when they noticed a hand appearing through the television. It was professor stunk and Jessup was amazed to see him trying to come out through the television. Jessup is unsure what to do but he attempts to pull the professor out from the television but to no avail.

Good comparison of Jessup and shaggy.

Jessup goes to get an axe and he thrashes the television until the professor falls out of it. The professor explains all about the teleporter and requests Jessup's help.

In chapter four is bumpled a word? I'm sure it is but I have never heard of it. Or did you mean bumped? I'm not too sure here.

Jessup's mum and Denise and the professor are held hostage. The hostages want the teleporter. What will Jessup do?

In chapter seven.......with a dustpan and broom, dad scooped pecos into the box......there seems to be an extra space between dad and scooped.

I can't wait to see how this ends up. I am giving you four stars now and when I have read it all I'm sure I will be giving you the deserved six.
Alice.

Jim Riley wrote 27 days ago

While I would never read these genera ordinarily you did leave a kind comment on my story, from what I can tell, just based on the description. I can see the commercial potential in your work. If I had any interest in publishing popular fiction I might emulate your style and your approach. You seem to haves struck a chord with Authonomy's audience.

Wizard of Oz wrote 29 days ago

Donna,

Thanks for the opportunity to read your book! I enjoyed your approach to the subject matter and for diving into the world of a youth, and in particular the tough subject of divorce and its effects on children.

A few specific thoughts on the book for you:

-I like the personalization you gave Jessup in the first two chapters, but in chapter three he seems to drop out of character a bit. He seems able, at age 12, to comprehend the role that the teleporter would have on economies, balances of power, wars, and so forth--something that most would be hard pressed to understand at age 12. Its seems like the need to pass on the gravity of the situation here exceeds the reach of Jessup as the narrator. Another example would be his description of the teleporter itself--he gives exact measurements in inches. I think a youth would be more likely to relate something in size to another object, rather than provide exact measurements.

-When you have time I would go back and take a look at your comma usage throughout the book. There are several examples of unnecessary commas, particularly in front of the word "and" or "or". Also, comma usage affects your meaning sometimes--in chapter 4, you write "a terribly, wonderful idea." If "terribly" here is referring to the noun "idea" as your comma would suggest, then the word terribly should be replaced with terrible. But, if "terribly" is referencing the word "wonderful" then remove the comma.

-Chapter 8 - I had a hard time here wondering why the Dad (Steve) didn't push for more of an explanation on how a liquefied dog ended up in the living room. If he was too distracted by Denise being missing to think about the smoldering canine in his living room then saying so explicitly would help.

-Denise: a plot question that I didn't see answered--how did the terrorists know to take Denise? And if they had done their research, as your later chapters seem to suggest, wouldn't they think of looking for Jessup at Denise's house?

-Additional plot question: I wasn't sure why the Dad would send his son, after his girlfriend and ex-wife were just rescued from terrorists (who were shooting guns), back out in the town to look for other terrorists (presumable with guns). As I dad that would be the very last thing I would do.

-Additional plot question: Why did they need an elaborate plan to teleport the teleporter off to the reservoir? Why not just take a hammer to it? Is there something preventing that?

-Chapter 13: Reading the story from the morality perspective, it seems like Jessup has his "come to Jesus moments" in the earlier chapters, but then decides to once again blatantly disobey their express wishes and commands because he once again thinks he knows what is best. Since up to this point the story seemed to be working to prove to Jessup that he isn't all knowing and he is going against his church beliefs, this reversal seems incongruous. It seems to endorse the philosophy that the "ends justify the means," which I don't think was the overriding message.

Overall I enjoyed the story and think it has a great future. Thank you again for letting me read it and best wishes to you!

David Mead
The Unseen War

tim templer wrote 29 days ago

Hello Donna i'm still reading your work, its not what i can rush through. Because i'm enjoying every bit of it, you're on my WL and have starred it as well. Thanks for sharing.

Tim Templer

The Journey

Jjkendrick wrote 29 days ago
Jjkendrick wrote 29 days ago

Hi. Just finished the book and enjoyed it. Great YA read, especially for boys, they will enjoy the gross parts. I'm glad I wasn't eating while reading those parts.Ha! flows well and shows great imagination. I gave you 4 stars and tried to back the book but got an error message. This website is not working very well for me, the book was locked for a while too. I will try to back again tomorrow. Joanne

LondonFog wrote 30 days ago

Hi Donna,

Only read up to the end of chapter 2 but i am very impressed with your great feel for both the energry and rhythm that are needed for memorable prose. While i usually lean more towards work with more of a realistic plot (see my favourite writers for more information on that one) and i'm not usually one for fantasy writing, or science fiction, from what i've read so far will bring me back for more. I also will agree, as many comments have underneath, that your study of domestic issues, childhood angst issues, as well as what i believe to be symbolism towards the beginnings of that fabled 'generation x' are something to be greatly admired. I can't really offer anything in the way of critisim yet as i don't feel i've read enough of your work to give a true opinion, but rest assured i will when i can. Keep up the good work!

Tom
Paradise Volume 1

J Greene wrote 30 days ago

Very good. Quick, enjoyable, easy read. Intriguing, with good character development. Reminds me a bit of the intro to my own book.

Jeff Prentice wrote 30 days ago

Donna,
I read the last three chapters, and have some thoughts. First, I give you full stars and have added you to my watch list. I also wish you all the best in your pursuits for the desk.
This genre is completely foreign to me, so adjust any comments I make, with that in mind, please. I have no experience writing for youth.
Your sentences are shorter than I'm used to, and punctuation doesn't often vary beyond commas and periods. I assume this is for the young to read easily, but semicolons can be used to put two thoughts into once sentence with great drama.
Of more importance to me, was that narrative far outweighed dialog. This too could be due to the target age group, however it needs to be said that the world of books has trended toward more dialog for a very important reason. Dialog shows things. Narrative tells things. And showing is what TV and other medias do. In other words, dialog serves a more close up encounter to a story, than narrative. More balance between the two is my advice. Any of Sol Stein's books on writing (you can usually find one or two of his books in local libraries) would be good instruction (on a number of fronts). He is a master writer/editor with much wisdom.
Finally, you might want to study the number of I, my, and me. Those words are used more often than all others in books, but there are ways you can minimize a number of them, to break that repetition-trance. For instance:
Instead of: It elevated above MY head.
This: it elevated toward the ceiling.
Now the good stuff:
Your story is exceptional, uplifting, filled with actionable events of import. And like you, I LIKE NICE. Nice is good. Love is good. Cooperation is good. Your book is good.
And one more thing.
I love pancakes. I would choose Denise on Sundays, too.
Jeff Prentice
Trumped by Secrets

Nadina M. Ashwood wrote 32 days ago

Super book! Well written and fun reading with great insight from a burgeoning young man’s perspective. A useful tool, perhaps, for young people (maybe parents, too) going through an unfortunately all too common difficult situation.

Definitely one to recommend for a fast-paced read for all ages with a clear demonstration of how inner turmoil kept too long can confuse and distort clear thinking. All worked out in the end - but that is only by the grace of God and fervent, heartfelt prayer in the eleventh hour by someone who realized at the end that he couldn't do it alone. Jessup is an example of someone who prays like it's all on God and works like it's all on him.

Well done!
Nadina M. Ashwood
Pretty Penny

M. A. McRae. wrote 32 days ago

Most entertaining and very well written. To be backed, Marj.

Raymond Terry wrote 33 days ago

Ok Donna, as requested.

I could not evaluate the last three chapters without reading all the way through.

First, I believe that you need some device to remove the dogs from the Pontiac before Jessup activates the Transporter and launches the bad guys into the reservoir.

Second, lose 'incalculated' harm. Change it to incalculable or infinite.

As for the last line, I believe that some additional soliloquy from Jessup would be desirable as a denouement. Although he has apparently come to terms with Denise and his dad, there are unresolved issues with his mother beyond her desire to 'win at cards'.

This might be a place to expand on the Christian theme that appears sporadically throughout the work. Something along the lines of divine providence or intervention, although perhaps understood indirectly by 12 year old Jessup who is caught between the worlds of childhood and adultery. (Sorry, bad joke given the Christian thing again,and hardly original, but apropos and workable from the perspective of the story. and lack of prescience on Jessup's part.)

On the whole, I am supporting this work based on the originality of your story and your skill in telling it. First person works well here and I believe that the story has a wide appeal since, although I am far removed from a YA reader, I remember the conflicts of a boy Jessup's age with some clarity as I was in high school at his age.

The one thing that I, as well as Jessup, can relate to at this point, is that as I go through life, I am constantly amazed at just how much life never really turns out the way we have planned.

A sincere, Well Done, RT

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 33 days ago

Return read

- I'm not sure i understand this "book smart to the point of being dumb"
- "white capped acne volcanoes" - gross!
- the paragraph starting "and i'm not even going to mention..." - this seems like the voice changes. almost like up until this point he was just thinking, now he's actively speaking to the reader... and this Raymond fellow sounds dreadful, hilariously dreadful

overall good start - like the hook at the end of the chapter, not quite sure how i feel about the passive narration (i did this a lot in the first book i had posted here, had some great reviews from YARG and rewrote it as best i could)

also, and this might be dumb, but i didn't realize Jessup was a boy. i actually thought it was a girl. i read the entire chapter thinking he was a she, and then went and read the pitch to see where the story was going (aside from the obvious teleporting giveaway from the title) and learned that Jessup is a boy - how did i miss this earlier?

anyway - good start - it fits the age group nicely

Jaclyn
My Life Without Me

Bart Jahn wrote 35 days ago

Hello Donna...just finished chapters 3-14 in one day. Excellent and very original, imaginative story. Quite brilliant, actually...you weave together a "Honey, I Shrank the Kids" or a "Back To the Future" fast-paced adventure tale with some poignant family issues from the perspective of a 12-year old.

You might consider tweaking this into a movie script after it finds a publisher...Christian movies are getting so good now maybe they can produce the required special effects...or it might get picked up by Hollywood. The story has a lot of potential.

I will keep you on my bookshelf for May and June while it is on the ED. I do not see any nitpicks or have any suggestions. This is a fun book to read, so I see it gaining popularity in Authonomy and hopefully finding a reputable book publisher, and broad success soon. God bless you. Bart Jahn

Tovran wrote 36 days ago

I hope you realized you kept me up until 5:30am reading your story.

I dislike YA books. I usually dislike Christian books. I am famous for hating first person stories.

But this had me enthralled from the first paragraph to the point that I couldn't turn away, and kept clicking the next chapter button. I read from chapter one through to the end in one sitting. It was completely engrossing, had me teary-eyed when he sat in front of the church and prayed (I am Christian, after all), and had me cheering at his heroic childhood stupidity. This has to be one of the best stories I have read in months.

Bravo and you've got a new backer!

Always,
Jennifer Anarien

Margaret0307 wrote 45 days ago

CLF2 CCRGThis is an excellent book! You have so entered into the mind of a 12 year old with such strong feelings about what is going on together with a sense of helplessness to do anything about it. ‘I hated the split family thing. I hated divorce. I hated Mom. I hated Dad’ etc. I love the way you bring in the church and how he felt about being told to pray! ‘Like prayer was a band-aid of something’! Marvellous. I can’t help feeling you have had personal experience of all this because your writing is so strong and so true.

The standard of writing is very good and I couldn’t see any grammar/spelling etc errors – I usually do! I will gladly back your book for a while with many stars.

God bless
Margaret
How do I know God answers prayer?

DJ-Gargoyle Chronicles wrote 48 days ago

Jessop and the Teleporter – Chapters 1 - 4

One of the best opening paragraphs I’ve read here. Nice change from kids games to angst of decision making. Like the teen feel to the MC and great page turner at the end of the chapter… I like this kind of stuff, but what else do you have? A lot it seems. Angst, action, drama and intrigue. Pretty good start.

Chapter 1:
Careful of using BUT to start a sentence. It is technically a conjunction to join two sentences.
White capped acne volcanoes – LOL

Chapter 2:
Lots of nice little descriptive details in here, the maggots for instance, a step up from chapter 1, but well done and not out of place.
“Chris cautiously called out…” – should be, ‘Chris crawled out cautiously…’
Nice ending of the chapter, not a page turner like the first, but an exasperation, an exclamation requiring a turn. Good stuff.

Chapter 3:
Nice level of teenage description in here. And then some cloak and dagger to add to the adventure.

Chapter 4:
“…or unconscious. But not dead.” – should be… ‘or unconscious, but not dead.’
I like how you make up words like phlegm-gurgitated. I like to do this, but people complain. Have they complained to you? I hope not.
“My hands closed into fists. But Denise…” – comma then BUT
A nice wrap up chapter and some more ten angst. The dad’s bitch girlfriend is not subtle. I thought she might be a bit more gentle given the situation, but then that might be just me! I’ll be back for more…

:DJ
The Maia Calendar
To See The Sun

debbiedoo wrote 69 days ago

great author

Kmaria wrote 73 days ago

Woah! Really like this so far!! It is very sad :( I hate divorce so sad and against Gods word. I lie that this is Christian! I love the Lord and love to see Christian novels. :) mine isn't Christian but it is wholesome. :) hope u can take a look. :) I plan in shelving your book as soon as I have computer access. :) can't do from my phone. Very good story! Can't wait to read more. !!

KMM-Gypsy of Vilda :)

Douglas York wrote 74 days ago

I really hope this advances from 14 to the top 5, because it deserves a review. The characterization of Jessup and Chris is spot on. There's subtle humor in this that keeps everything light and makes it a blast to read. The darker undertone of divorce and resentment is present, but filtered in the imagination of a twelve year old... very unique. The only thing that held me up was the line, ""It's not like obeying them, and being faithful to Jesus changed anything." For some reason I had to read that twice to understand it as you meant it. Anyway, this is exceptional. Highly rated.

JMK wrote 75 days ago

Loving it so far. This is a kid I know. Love a good YA novel. So glad I found you.

L.Lombard wrote 77 days ago

YARG review

Read the first four chapters. I like the plot to this story. I believe Jessup is just at the right age where fiction starts to blur with reality. He deals with real life situations, but is still young to enough to fantasize and be open to possibilities. The characters’ voices and dialogue are well done. I feel the language and vocabulary are perfect for this age group.

I took some notes as I read. These are just my opinions, so feel free to ignore anything that does not work for you.
Ch. 1:
- Great way to introduce his dilemma.
- They looked like salt-shriveled slugs with octopus arms, and two tentacled eyes. (I think this sounds better without the comma)
- I felt all out of sorts ever since. – I like this line.
- … and knowing that, squeezed my lungs so much it was hard to breathe. – Perfect.
- Oi! The hand!
- You’ve done a great job with your characters’ voices, especially Jessup. I think his thinking and language are just right for his age.

Ch.2:
- I knocked over my chair, scrambling across the bed. I plastered myself against the wall. (maybe make it all one sentence: “… scrambling across the bed, and plastered myself against the wall).
- Pecos scrabbled to his feet… (scrambled, maybe?)
- If I were Jessup, I wouldn’t answer whoever was talking to me as he exited the TV. I’d probably just stare or maybe nod. Of course, I’m not Jessup!
- The TV was still in the throes of birth --lol
- Wow, it did give birth!
- … like the shell around a hardboiled egg. – Oh, I can see this!
- I felt the scene at the shed with the garbage bags was a little bit long, but it could have been that I was anxious for him to find the axe in time, so, I think it works.

Ch. 3:
- Mom locked herself in the bathroom, and turned on the shower. (I’d drop the comma)
- … with the back of my hand like I saw my mom do before. (like I’d seen my mom do before)
- Hmmm… the Professor explains and then Chris returns with the trash bags and responds, but how did he hear the explanation the Professor was giving?
- after effects (side effects?)
- Spy stuff was what cartoons, and novels were made of. (no comma needed)
- The same with the Scooby Doo sentence – no comma needed

Ch. 4:
- Eeeewwww! Raymond! How did you think of this?
- … landed on kids who didn’t know better then (than) get too close to him. (but I’d say “and got too close to him.”)
- That was his (the) same reaction he had to his mom and my dad getting together: emotionless.”

Even though the MC is dealing with a painful situation and internal struggle, this book is fun and easy to read. I wonder how it will all work out for him. I’ve really liked it so far. Great job!
L-
EBO

JB Wilson wrote 78 days ago

This is great reading Donna.

I have read the first three chapters straight off without any pause or stop, even though it is 1am and way past my bedtime, and still another great cliffhanger is pressing me to read on. I will do, but not until tomorrow ))

I find it quite astonishing that there was no let up in interest at all, great narrative and real dialogue (sorry, I'm English), and a intriguing story that rattles along at great pace. Only one hiccup in the first three chapters that had me slightly pause, but no biggy and may be just me. The line:

As I dropped the axe, it clattered noisily across the floor.

For me it doesn't sit right. Drop the 'As', and try how that sounds, better I think. I am sure you can make it perfect, like all of what I have read so far.

Will definitely read the rest, and am already wishing it was all here. This is YA at its best. Interested to see how the Christian tag pans out.

Highly starred.

John.

Liinsa Hines wrote 80 days ago

Hello Donna,

I've read your book. The starting is very good and interesting. You could creatively depict the pain encountered by the kid, between the divorced parents. With adequate amount of dialogues you could get the story moving.

Wishing you all the best.

Regards
Liinsa

Alena J. wrote 81 days ago

YARG -- followup review on the rest of the book.

This is a great book for young readers. My other comment goes into more detail, so I'll just leave a few more suggestions here.

Several places the tense isn't quite right. Some examples... In the 11th chapter: "sounding the maddest I('d) heard in a long time." In the epilogue: "Three months (had) passed"

I like how it's the Force that helps Jessup save the day in the end. It's a little annoying though that the divorce ended up going through. Also, I wasn't sure about the whole thing with the President giving Jessup a plaque. But for the most part, it's a good story.

superostah wrote 81 days ago

I am in love with this first chapter. Opening with the video game is a whole lot of fun. It seems to give a bit of foreshadowing, while also just being an amusing piece of character development. Moving into the emotional aspects, regarding the divorce and whatnot, opens up the backstory a bit further, but not so much as to get us bogged down with exposition.
And, of course, you end the first chapter with an amazing hook that requires the reader to continue forward to figure out what the heck is about to happen to our new friend, Jessup.
This is a brilliant opening. We get all the basic concepts of the genres this book falls into, but it still feels fresh and fun. It's easy to see why you've made it so far up the rankings on this site.
I'll definitely be back to read more as time permits, but for now, high stars and a spot on my watchlist.

Alena J. wrote 82 days ago

YARG

Hi Donna,
Finally got around to checking out your book, and I really like what I've found! You've got a lot of sci-fic, comedy, and seriousness all wrapped up in a short children's book, and it really works together well. I've given you high stars and a place on my bookshelf. Wishing you all the best with this!
Alena

A few thoughts on what I've read so far...

Chapter One
-You're off to a great start in this chapter. The characters (Jessup and Chris) are very likeable and, more importantly, believable. You've also introduced us to Jessup's parents and Denise through the medium up Jessup's thoughts and prejudices against them. I already feel like I know these people and am interested in what happens to them.
-A couple great lines... "I was a kid with a head full of anger, and hate, and sadness, and a heart as heavy as a rock." "She sounded like a worn-out speaker in a radio."
-There were several instances of misplaced or misused punctuation in this chapter and the following ones...

Chapter Two
-The TV/Professor Strunk scene is quite well-done. It doesn't feel as off the wall as it would in reality, which is good because that means you're drawing your reader in, making them comfortable enough with make-believe to forget that's what it is. Wow, this is just a really great scene. Loved the whole guy-in-the-TV bit.

Chapter Three
-Again, good work with the reasons and explanations behind Professor Strunk's teleportation. I can tell this is well thought out.

Chapter Four
-Raymond is officially disgusting! :) However, you mention twice in very close quarters that he's "devoid of emotion."
-Hiding a professor under the bed? Hilarious!

Chapter Eight
-I love the way you add comedy. Keeps what could be a potentially scary story light enough for young readers. Reminds me of Bill Myers' Bloodhounds, Inc. series.

I'll be back for more later!

Bart Jahn wrote 82 days ago

Hello Donna...I have read the first three chapers of Jessup and the Teleporter...what an interesting book. One of the things I like so much about my experience on Authonomy is that it introduces me to book genres I normally would not read. At 22,000 words, this is a book I can finish, although apparently this is not the entire book. Anyway, your writing and storytelling are excellent, and I think you have something very interesting, entertaining, and I suspect quite profound as the story progresses. Your humor is also coming through well in the words and perspective of a 12-year old. On my watchlist with 6 stars for now, and will put it on my bookshelf for several days in April.

My books are up for review in the CLF. Can I ask a small favor? Could you read chapters 2 & 3 in The Christian Church in the Last-Days, write a short critique in the book's "comments" section, and post it in the CLF?

At number 20, your book will shortly reach the ED. Has anyone asked you to join the two Christian forums...the CCRG and and CLF. From you bio, it sounds like future books might be passing through Authonomy. If you have the time, the CCRG and/or the CLF would benefit from your participation. God bless you. Bart

mjonk3 wrote 82 days ago

Greetings! I've started reading your book, and I look forward to reading more. If you get a chance, please go check out my book, Here We Go 'Round The Mulberry Tree. It's a concise overview of of our responsibility to forgive as the Lord forgave us. Thanks!

Pam B wrote 82 days ago

Hi Donna

I really enjoyed the first two chapters of this gripping story! It's not easy to write well in first person, but you manage to create the thoughts of a real twelve year old boy going through a pretty rough time.

You also understand the need for suspense, you engage the reader from the first sentence and give us characters we can identify with, they have realistic conversations, flaws and feelings.

I hope you do well with this as it should be published already.

A return read and comment would be appreciated.

All the best
Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

Lara wrote 91 days ago

I liked the idea of failed attempts at the easy answer, and the underlying moral of facing problems squarely. Jessup is a character kids can identify with, and to good purpose. The painful situation which he finds himself in is so common and it's not that easy to write about it in a fresh way. So well done, and backed.
Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

Rilez wrote 92 days ago

I just finished the book I really loved it! I didn't catch any errors, your character was a good solid character and I like that he was able to see how the divorce was affecting him and able to change it. Congrats on getting so close to the editor's desk and good luck. I hope you make their review public because I'd love to see their reaction to it!

Molara wrote 93 days ago

If I get to chapter 3 I think it's really good; if I move on to chapter 4.......that means its gripping and I can't stop reading. I like the fact that the story has a serious issue going on alongside all the science fiction stuff. The descriptions are really good making it easy to visualize what's going on. Raymonds's snot chewing is gross!......and genius....boys will love this story. Not sure how the story goes but the tension between the boys, the divorce and Jessup's dislike of Dennis and the noble mission to get his parents back together all make for great ingredients my only advice is to make sure it all remains mainly about the teleporter but find a balance and not go too deeply into the science so you can carry along a wider audience. Good luck.

Molara ' YETUNDE'

Cool1 wrote 94 days ago

I had a chance to read through Josop and the teleporter and found it to be a delitful story written from a kid's prospective. I gave it all of the stars.
Rich McStay

KMac23 wrote 97 days ago

Donna,
Once again, you keep the action moving and also, the hope inside for Jessup to save the day. The chase scene was very dramatic. I absolutely loved the ending which was realistic in the fact that life didn’t turn out perfect. Jessup didn’t get everything he wanted, but he realized he was a person of worth and that he could learn to accept people and situations he had no control over. I loved those last lines. You are talented and this was truly a touching story, one with action and suspense young children would love.

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Not sure if this is a typo, but left this for your perusal:
Ch. 12
Socko-Rocko unceremoniously dropped (me) onto the driveway…

PTingen wrote 98 days ago

I enjoyed the last chapters Donna. Thanks for letting me know you posted them. I loved all the action with the ice cream cones, ladies with curlers, dogs, etc. Very descriptive - I could picture it all! :-)

All the best to you as you continue to climb towards the desk!

Patti

Jimmy Window wrote 98 days ago

Chapter five - Not a lot happens here, but it holds my interest. Looks like things are setting up for something in the next chapter. Really good!

little things I saw:
'The force consisted of twenty-two boys in the ninth, eighth, and seventh grades'. Just a personal preference, this would sound better as 'seventh, eighth, and ninth'.
"Now the girls just tried to make sure their boyfriend are a member...' This should stay in the plural - 'their boyfreinds were members...'.
'It was a trick he had mastered obviously'. sounds better to me as 'It was a trick he had obviously mastered.'

Great job again!

CJBowness wrote 98 days ago

A nice ending with everything tied up neatly. I had hoped, in a romantic way, that mum and dad would get back together, but your ending is just right, showing children that, even after divorce, things can be OK. Very exciting lead-up, well-paced.
Do you mean 'uncalculated' when you write 'incalculated'? Probably a typing mistake.
Well done - good luck with the last few places! I've backed the book.

CJ Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

David Stonehouse wrote 98 days ago

YARG comments on the finale chapters.
Really enjoyed it now I have seen how it all pans out. The showdown in chaper 13 is great - inspired chaos with turkeys, kids, dogs and a resolution for the teleporter that feels very satisfying. I think this would prove very popular with young teen readers, especially if it came with fun illustrations to match the madcap style if the adventures.
It's going on the shelf.
Dave
The Five Stones