Loser

In a nutshell - I love this. I love everything you write. There was something about this that really reminded my of Moore's "Bloodsucking Fiends," and "You Suck," not sure exactly why, but it is still completely your own.

These are the notes I made to myself as I read, but honestly the only comment I really have is - when can I read more???

Chapter 1

Love the bit about smoking pot in the parking lot with the lady who drives the Books-On-Wheels bus. In another life, can I please be that lady?

I like the bit about the magazines a lot. Porno is passe - business is porn today...

Haha - love the bit about God's comeback tour...

Love the bit about the tanned and coiffed newscasters.

Chapter 2

I smiled throughout the entire scene with the dog. Funny stuff. Love it. "kraken" funny. and the peeing on the door.

"the scent of insanity and dog chow" - love that.

"getting chewed on like a chicken flavoured milk bone" - you crack me up, Gerry.

Chapter 3

you and your Baba Uriah Heep...you had me laughing.

"vomit esoteric dogma" - funny.

Haha "Relax, I've seen Trainspotting like four times."

Chapter Four

Love: "hairy wrecking ball"

And this: "a beacon of unholy light in the wasteland of the damned"

Okay. I laughed out loud: "He would rip off a leg and ass fuck me with it"

Amazing. I love it. You're the next Christopher Moore.

Backed since the day you uploaded it. 6 starred of course.

- Rena

Once again superbly assured writing. Your sentences create that excited anticipation for the next one which is the hallmark of all fabulous writing. And at times incite a joyful shout of recognition. You've got the tone spot on. The voice is beguiling and exciting. It's dead clever how you can get so much uplifting humour from such shadowy and menacing terrain. It's even uplifting to realise just before we're told that the accident victim is Dr DietZ because of how cleverly you've engineered the narrative. (Brilliant name too Diet Z). My only reservation with the first chapter is that ending could be tightened up a bit. If this was my book -
“If this is an emergency...”
Across the room the book stood open. From where I was I could even tell which page it displayed. It was page eleven, J through M of my yearbook photo page.” And I'd end the chapter here. I think you're overmilking a little after that.


Chapter two immediately has us grinning again. And the grin stays put. This chapter is utterly fabulous. Exhilarating and masterful. The dog fight is laugh out loud brilliance.

Chapter three: the grin's back. And the grin stays put. It's pure pleasure reading this. My only complaint is why can't I buy this in a book store and read it on paper.

I read this book a couple of weeks ago but I didn’t leave a comment at the time. I didn’t want to be one of those gushy types ‘I love you, I love your book, it reads like a bed of literary roses’. But really, what choice do I have? I have to admit this is brilliant. Every now and then I stumble across a book here that really blows my mind. It doesn’t happen often but it has happened with Loser.

Your characterisation is superb. I adore a book that pulls me in and actually allows me to be part of the MC’s world. Avery has such a hard life and it’s reflected very well in his slightly jumpy personality - a nice subtle way of allowing the reader to see inside his fragile mind. I think the secret to your success here is the ease of snippets of backstory, the narrative flows so smoothly. You almost make something that most writers struggle with look like a piece of cake.

The subtle humour is great especially against the backdrop of such a menacing opening.

I really would like to see this on the Ed’s desk, or better again, in my local book shop.

Janny

Loser,
I really enjoyed what I read, although I found that it is entirely too short of a posting to sink my teeth into. I liked it so much that I went to read your other book after I had read the regrettably short segment of Loser that you have put up. It is based on the obvious talent shown in the two books together that I am backing this. Do let me know if you post more.
Hook and plot: Great start to a character-driven novel with an unstable first person narrator.  I will say that I found the bit about the stained financial magazines a bit much, and almost an early turn off. On the other hand, it does add a bit to the pathetic absurdity of his situation, and gives the read a surreal twist early on. I think you do a fantastic job doling out information about his obsession with the yearbook and his youth- enough to make me curious for more, and always at good pace that is neither forced nor dragging.
The introduction to his messed-up character was enough to make feel almost grateful to the psychiatrist who offered to cure him almost pro-bono, and a real sense of shock and surprise when he finds out what happens to her. It is great pacing, dangling a character development carrot in front of the reader and then killing it randomly.  
And the introduction of the crazed neighbour is so vey well made that when the dog bites him and the more exciting parts of the plot begin I feel the progression is very natural. (By the way, I did not think you needed the cliffhanger line "I didn’t know it then, but every step I took from then on was toward a future both unimaginable and well overdue". It is a detail but it stayed in my mind after reading the section as a line that was a bit unnecessary.  
What makes this a really fun book is the introduction of the girl, which is what everything up to there is working up to. You had me at the tattoo, and I was very pleased with her treatment of the dog and her medical skills.
This is very good, fun plot progression, and I would (as I keep telling you) happily read more. Maybe even spent a few quid to do so.
Character development- I don't generally read pitches, so I was settling down to a introspective, character driven first person narrative when I started reading. This is to say that your first person CD is very good. You were very effective in bringing a sense of both disdain and sympathy in me, and I was prepared to follow this character into his demise. Again, I think a lot of your success comes from the doling out of information about his past, which expands the vision. I think, again, where CD was the weakest was in the very start, when he was at the library, but it might be just because I was turned off by the aforementioned gag about financial mags.
The girl is mad, and a bit of a fixture, so not really developed. So, too, with the neighbour. Doesn't really mater, though, because it is all about him.
Ambiance and descriptions- Not a very observant fellow, I don't feel your character really notices his surroundings much, and I don't feel a very strong sense of place in the macro sense. On the other hand, descriptions of details, from the dog, to the girl (what a great intro "No more than five feet tall and as pale as a moon flower, the off-white scrubs she wore were at least two sizes too big for her willowy frame.") I am not sure that this is a big deal, but I think a bit more place description would make the read a bit more enjoyable.
Mechanics- I was not reading for typos, but I did notice a bit of informality with quotation marks when he speaks.
So I really like this and would read further. I have backed it and given it stars and whatnot. :)
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

Quick, lively, dynamic and funny in a Martin Amis-y way. I thought it took off beginning in Chapter 2. You begin with references to the two 'good' books, which is an interesting idea that doesn't become as much as it might. Which is tied in with the need for psychiatric care. Which also doesn't develop. Though there is wonderful potential for development of both the ideas.

It seems beginning in Chapter 2 that we're dealing with something quite new, which works well on its own, from Saul through the hospital, and the 'nurse'. And because it has an anarchic feel to it one doesn't need much background, just the absurdities that capture the idea of his inner/outer world. He's the victim, willingly so, passively so, who might take more futile meaning from things than he seems to, letting things happen as he does. The funniest part, the best done comical part, regards the dog and the door, then it gets a touch fuzzy, before the dog comes clear again and his arm turns to meat, and he seems so disenchanted and disengaged. It moves smoothly with as much meaning as necessary into the hospital, though the intervention of the girl in scrubs might be so slightly cleared up to give the reader a boost in accepting that he would receive the ministrations of someone so obviously not belonging to the hospital.

So my issue is with the first chapter that seems apart from the Chapters 2 and 3. I haven't read 4 and 5 yet. But given the brevity of the story, it wouldn't make sense to create such a significant role for a yearbook, a bible and a psychiatrist, only to cut them off, go even without allusions, except for some God-thought now and then.

In short, I think you have an interesting idea with some parts farther along in literary development than others, a keenly sardonic mind that engages the reader, and keeps the reader going along in spite of some shortcomings. An agent would think differently, would want something more polished, would want clearer integration of its parts.

Though the central character is fun. His pain antiseptic. His life hopeless.

David Hedlin
Moon's Wallow

Thought the book was very well written and I thoroughly enjoyed the original idea. Good look with your climb up the ratings.

This is incredible. I could not stop reading. It's clever and funny and sad and everything in-between. I did stop reading but only because people needed to eat, so for now I will just say 6 outstanding stars,on my WL and Bookshelf when I next have the guts to throw someone off.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

I enjoyed this book very much and have backed it.
Good luck!!
From
Nancy

This is not my cup of tea but so well written. There is a cracking theme to your writing that I could watch all day. I am so jealous of some of the talent on this site and you are one of them people. You hcae pulled something wonderful out of the bag here, but dont let that sound as if you have created something off the cuff as I know there will have been a lot of work here. So well done and a big score from me.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)..... Please consider me for a read or watch List if you get a moment wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Hi Gerald, I started reading 'Loser' an hour ago and got instantly hooked. I am wondering now, why didn't I do this long ago. You have a smooth but hilarious dialogue and what I liked most is the quick and comfortable pace. You might irk some of the godly people, but your observations on god, are completely reasonable. I would be reading further. But at my tea break I thought it is prudent to pass this comment, shower high stars and W/L. I will comment further at my dinner break.
I request you to spare some of your valuable time on my book Ozoneraser.
venkatarama
Ozoneraser

Nice pitch.

venkatarama
Ozoneraser

Hi there,

I read the first chapter of your book and was drawn in completely... per the pitch, i figured this would be the case, but even still, my jaw dropped at the revelation of the car crash... he's got so much going on, so many problems, that the therapist is willing to work for such a low price... freaking wow... and then... well ... wow...

well written, high stars... no wonder this is doing so well... after one chapter only, i needed to comment!

best of luck,
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Succinctly put, this book rocks-the characters, the dialogue, the narrative...Everything. I look forward to reading more and I think it's fair to say it will stay on my shelf.

David
Shadows of Perception

Loser- The writing is incredible....slicing into the psyche of the main character and revealing a raw hurt interior...well done...I was only going to read the first chapter, but read the whole thing...keep going...
Cindy
CADreilling - The Line - Beginnings

Loved your opening, dude. You got yourself a place on my shelf.

JPM

Nicely written premise, and the work doesn't disappoint. From the moment the nurse takes charge, I was hooked. Backed and recommended.
Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

Wow! Congratulations Gerald!

You're nearly there! You deserve it!

All the best,
D
Leo & Rover: The Purple Marble Adventures

This is different, but I liked it!

Abby

Loser.

'...over time I fell out of hate with the Bible...' - Great line, the first of many.
This is sharp, snappy prose. It was only when I had finished reading everything the author has posted on the site that I realised his anti-hero is nameless, and it really didn't matter. I was swept along by his guilt-ridden life and sense of hopelessness, induced by seemingly horrific past events, all wrapped in dark humour.
Mauled by a physco neighbour's dog and virtually kidnapped by the Emo nurse it would seem the MC is about to find a back-bone and deal with issues dogging him, or not.
One complaint - why only four chapters? The fifth was missing when I read and if you have put more on site I would have read on.

Dear Gerald,
Wow! I liked your sense of humor and metaphoric approach to daily matters.
"..., but until then I'd pay it the same respect God had ever paid me." This is so human!!!
"...whiter than God's butt cheeks." Bold yet naive.
I enjoyed it very much the way you introduced Cara and Saul. It was smooth. Your pace is appealing and your voice so cool. This is my kind of stuff to read.
"...., I staggered and nausea brought me violently to my knees." This is the caliber of unpredictability that I respect in a novel. Witty maneuvers!
Gerald, we all have a loser in us, so I believe you pressed a good point. You may also be interested in Ten Deep Footprints, where the losers of yesterday become the winners of tomorrow. My female characters smoke marijuana, have abortions and one of them is forced to watch when her husband is oral-raped by a bully. I also look forward to your comments and will be glad if you could take me to your book shelf or to your watch list. I'll be uploading some more soon, and will be back to you with more comments. You've been in my watch list and you will stay there until you make it to the ED.
Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins-LCF QUARTET
Ten Deep Footprints

We like the way your book tells this story. Good luck and we are backing for now.

Good book. I hope to keep you on my shelf for a while.

Not sure what to make of this, aside from it being fascinating. The teaming up of the wimp with the fearless Emo makes a brilliant contrast, the social commentary is understated and amusing, the story itself is witty on the surface, but with something dark moving underneath, and when you think you've caught a glimpse of what it is, there's an even darker shadow beneath that. The writing is stunning and I've noted some of the phrases that struck me below. Highly starred and backed

"sobbing silently into a clenched fist"

"Doctor Dietz was dead. Road kill." He's not a lucky chap, is he?

"freight train of muscles and razor blades"

"Emo nurse with a graveyard tan"

"playing eyebrow poker"

"she was Medusa and Aries all in one pasty white package of venom and pride"

Tweak: "weekly grocery shopping, or smoked pot" You need that comma unless it's the teachers smoking pot

A very odd book! Not sure whether it's totally my cup of tea, but it's definitely very pacey & utterly unique - and unique isn't easy to do these days when pretty well everything has been done to death before.

I'm going to watch this one and see what happens!

good read.

I love the theme fro this book, C

A loser with an exceptional (if weird sometimes) sense of humour and excellent writing skills. It's got to be a winner. For all it's worth, six stars and a place on my shelf.
Angie

I am reading your book am enjoying it. I hope you do well and continue to strive to reach the TOP 5. Get that Gold Medal, your book is worth it.

Hello, Gerald D Johnston - Loser
Your writing is the most original I have come across on the site. Novel metaphors and smilies which paint vivid, quirky images of characters and events. Sometimes, though, I felt overwhelmed by the wordage (is that a word?!) - like scoffing back 2 large boxes of chocolates in one go. I know it is hard to let great phrasing go but judicial edting means that the cuts can be recycled in future work. I was pleased at the black/dry comedy which is a great gift, not one that can be contrived so you are lucky to be a natural in that department. I can imagine this book getting to publish stage. Good Luck
Jane Mauret (formerly Shannahan)

Hello, Gerald
Your writing is the most original I have come across on the site. Novel metaphors and smilies which paint vivid, quirky images of characters and events. Sometimes, though, I felt overwhelmed by the wordage (is that a word?!) - like scoffing back 2 large boxes of chocolates in one go. I know it is hard to let great phrasing go but judicial edting means that the cuts can be recycled in future work. I was pleased at the black/dry comedy which is a great gift, not one that can be contrived so you are lucky to be a natural in that department. I can imagine this book getting to publish stage. Good Luck.
Jane Shannahan

Excellent can't wait for more!!!

From
John stearn (author of Derilium)

Chapter 1 - I thought this was a little hard to follow until I got into the flow.
Your main guy is really disturbing, and very hard to like or care about, but he does make me wonder what he's capable of doing and what's going to happen to him.
When Avery's doctor died he seemed not very worried or upset about her, but about how it affected (or is it effected? Always get them mixed up) him, which I thought was very realistic and very under-done in other books.

I'm reading and enjoying...backed with pleasure.

Gerry,

Gerry Gerry Gerry,

"Loser" is amazing! You remind me of a more muscular Robert Rankin by way of Elmore Leonard. I love your noirish overture and sci-fi parodying undertones, in some ways this even reminds me of my own book "No Excuse Bruce." It is exactly the kind of story I want to read :)

Your writing is pacy, poetic and hilarious as well as technically excellent. I would love to proffer forth a correction or two but it is also extremely well edited.

Have you only written up to Chapter 5 or are you holding out on us? I want more, i'm addicted man! "Loser" is the crack of Authonomy, hehe.

Keep up the good work, I'd love to know what you think of "No Excuse Bruce" too if you get a chance. Six stars and I shall recommend you too :)

Dave

I wasn't sure about this book to start with, I'll be honest. I was drawn in by the intriguing pitch, however, and the fact is it's certainly kept my interest. There's a lot of mystery, a lot of tantalizing hints, a lot of unanswered questions in the beginning of this book. I have a feeling that some readers might be turned off by this and give up reading. But there will be a whole lot of other readers--myself included--who will stay to learn more, and they will be rewarded, not necessarily by answers, at least not right away, but by an engaging, flowing style and narrative voice and some excellent humor and exciting scenes. While much is narrative, albeit engaging, interesting narrative, the scenes where something happens to the narrator really pop: the visit with the sympathetic shrink is touching and the dialogue sharp, the offshoot gutwrenching; the dog attack is shocking and highly sensory, while at the same time it gives us a better view of the narrator; the scene with the fake nurse is bizarre, but believable, and most of all compelling.

I've read three chapters, and I'll read more. I'll also be putting it on my bookshelf. It's not something that will appeal to everybody, but there's no denying that it catches the interest and holds it. I think it deserves to be published. It's polished and seems ready to go. I hope you find an editor who can get fully behind it. This is good stuff!

Fantastic writing.
I start these reviews wondering how far I'll get before something upsets the flow with the narrative. But the smoothness to your writing is almost soapy. You glide through it.
The sentence 'I've taken the guided tour through Hell and have...' was the point where I felt a slight hiccup but only because it is such a huge statement-a big ask. You have set yourself a signicant task in justifying that statement. But I feel confident you wouldn't come up short.
Delicious humour.
I'll probably cheapen any meaning my words have now by mentioning Holden Caulfield but that is who I am reminded of here. Not because they are similar, more so how they are conveyed to the reader's imagination.
Thank you Gerald.
To be backed soon.
Like the blog btw, is that why don't you leave more comments here on Autho?
John
Dropping Babies

This is an odd book but very well written. The idea is really different.
The style develops slowly but in a way that catches the readers interest.
The pitch also is a huge drawer because it has interest of curiosity in it.
The title is creative too.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

This is an effing good read.

Seriously, I can only say 'Bravo!' on yet another truly excellent yarn. Top stuff in all respects.

Nailed to my shelf and all the stars.

Simon.
Yuko Zen and other scribbles.

This is more popular culture novel than literary novel. It will sing to the people in your age bracket and give you a lot of high fives. It should be a good seller once it gets published. My grand daughter loved it. Good luck.

This is more popular culture novel than literary novel. It will sing to the people in your age bracket and give you a lot of high fives. It should be a good seller once it gets published. My grand daughter loved it. Good luck.

Chapter 1 draws you into Avery’s world, the yearbook, the library and the magazines with the pages stuck together. You want to know what happened to Boxy Trenton straight off. Chapter 1 delivers and surprises throughout with the violent death of Dr Dietz. You can almost feel Avery’s misery when he watches the news. The sadness and the irony of the doctor’s ‘emergency’ message is brilliantly understated.

Chapter 2 hits you with the Tourette’s sufferer Saul, and the contrast with Avery is to make you become him. The voice is great: “systematically erase four years of torture and rid myself of The Book” It draws you into the apartment. You’re almost willing the lock to turn, and when Hulk finally gets his man, it seems like the end of everything. Okay. I cut the review short and decided to back it when Hulk wipes out Avery . That’s very well done.

There are so many things I could say about this book that I don't know where to begin. I love your writing style which is incredibly quirky. Just when I started to feel that Avery's dire situation was beginning to drag me down with him, you put in a humorous line to drag me back up to the surface. Avery is a real lost soul, someone who will always be on the edge of society looking in. I like the way you hint at his dark secrets, guaranteed to keep the reader turning the page. There are many superb lines but one of my favourites is It's not like the brain comes with a dump valve. Wouldn't that be cool! Highly starred and good luck on your way to the ED.

Kim (Pain)

The prose is excellent, which mare than IO can say for some of the books here. I like the writing style and the effortless narrative. Good book.

I'm on the squeamish side, but I really enjoyed this. It's dark, damp and really quite disturbing. Wise move to stuff it full of humour. You obvisouly know exactly what you're doing.

One question - have you given any thought to describing Avery's surroundings in more detail? All I know about where he lives is that he has two books on his shelf and an ASBO for a neighbour, which gives me some indication of his ablility to function, but I'd love to be able to picture his apartment in more detail. For example, has he bothered to furnish it? Does he eat his dinner off a plate? Does he even bother to eat? Is it a flea pit, an empty shell, a shrine? I think knowing a bit more about Avery's personal space would add another layer of insight into how his past is continuing to effect him. Although maybe that's just me.

Highly starred and on my WL, will be backing.

I wish I could say more than what has been said. I think this maybe the best piece I have read on authonomy. I can see this in print. If not something is dreadfully wrong with the publishing industry.

Best of Luck,
Shain

If I thought it was possible, I'd totally have sexual intercourse with this book and have its pamphlets. I have a new religion and whatnot, and its God is a Loser.

Winner.
Z

I read this book a couple of weeks ago but I didn’t leave a comment at the time. I didn’t want to be one of those gushy types ‘I love you, I love your book, it reads like a bed of literary roses’. But really, what choice do I have? I have to admit this is brilliant. Every now and then I stumble across a book here that really blows my mind. It doesn’t happen often but it has happened with Loser.

Your characterisation is superb. I adore a book that pulls me in and actually allows me to be part of the MC’s world. Avery has such a hard life and it’s reflected very well in his slightly jumpy personality - a nice subtle way of allowing the reader to see inside his fragile mind. I think the secret to your success here is the ease of snippets of backstory, the narrative flows so smoothly. You almost make something that most writers struggle with look like a piece of cake.

The subtle humour is great especially against the backdrop of such a menacing opening.

I really would like to see this on the Ed’s desk, or better again, in my local book shop.

Janny

Read four (and was looking forward to five) tonight. You've got a riveting story going on here with brilliantly drawn characters (Hulk gets my Oscar for best pet on the site). The juxtaposition between now and then in the narrative voice is flawlessly done. Really very clever cos that's often a hard trick to pull off smoothly. Consistent top drawer writing. I'm in Avery's world, my heart beating in time to his. It's about time someone out there with a cheque book discovered your writing.

Great read. I was only going to read first couple o chapters but this completely hooked me and I've read all you have uploaded. There was a small error I spotted (think Chapter 3) - The Fat Man's speech.

Have given this a well deserved 6 stars.
Mike
Rudolph Goes Bananas

Once again superbly assured writing. Your sentences create that excited anticipation for the next one which is the hallmark of all fabulous writing. And at times incite a joyful shout of recognition. You've got the tone spot on. The voice is beguiling and exciting. It's dead clever how you can get so much uplifting humour from such shadowy and menacing terrain. It's even uplifting to realise just before we're told that the accident victim is Dr DietZ because of how cleverly you've engineered the narrative. (Brilliant name too Diet Z). My only reservation with the first chapter is that ending could be tightened up a bit. If this was my book -
“If this is an emergency...”
Across the room the book stood open. From where I was I could even tell which page it displayed. It was page eleven, J through M of my yearbook photo page.” And I'd end the chapter here. I think you're overmilking a little after that.


Chapter two immediately has us grinning again. And the grin stays put. This chapter is utterly fabulous. Exhilarating and masterful. The dog fight is laugh out loud brilliance.

Chapter three: the grin's back. And the grin stays put. It's pure pleasure reading this. My only complaint is why can't I buy this in a book store and read it on paper.

Hi Gerald, just read 4 chapters [5th is in edit mode]. This is a wonderful voice speaking, full of terror and rage and oddball humour. It's probably going to end in tears, but I have to read on. I particularly liked 'The shrink, with her shrink wrap, tried to shrink wrap my head'...Highly starred, and I'll be back for more - Frances K

I wasn't sure what to expect, but as soon as I started reading I was hooked. I read all four chapters. Your writing is smooth. I noticed a few typos, but no serious grammar or punctuation errors. I like the mystery/suspense and hope you'll upload more chapters so I can find out more about Avery. I'm not sure why he thinks he's responsible for Dr. Deitz's accident. Maybe he is a magnet for tragedy, or thinks he is.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Gerald,

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapter from 'Loser.' There's some really great stuff crammed in here - Forbes and Time magazine replacing Playboy, God's disregard for the human race. Your irreverent prose bristles with bad temper and modern neuroses, which is both darkly comic and scathingly true - I loved the unfortunate Dr Deitz's demise towards the end of the chapter. Moreoever, the luckless Avery is the perfect MC for your story. You capture the 'voice' from the first few sentences, and it really drives things along at a rattling pace, sprinkled with teasing signposts of what is to come.

On a techincal front, this is highly polished stuff. Only a couple of very minor things caught my eye. I wasn't sure about 'hopped in' (Dr Deitz, that is) perhaps 'chipped in' or 'interrupted'. Not sure. And when Avery is watching the news 'polished and watched the news' you might want to use 'continued polishing' to avoid repetition.

That said, a hugely enjoyable read, with a real bookstore feel to it already. Happy to give you backing.

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheek'