Book Jacket

 

rank 5844
word count 89105
date submitted 16.12.2011
date updated 09.03.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Romance
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Homecoming

Dougie McHale

The Homecoming encapsulates love, identity, self discovery and a quest to solve a mother's secret set against the backdrop of a Greek island.

 

Whilst training for the priesthood, Louis Satriani abandoned this world for a woman, Emma. Several years later and living in Edinburgh, he discovers that Emma is having an affair and becomes pregnant. Louis world is turned into an emotional spiral. He decides to visit a friend from his seminar days and inform him that he is going to travel through Greece which will afford him the opportunity to rediscover himself. The story of his friend's housekeeper intrigues Louis especially hearing of the baby she was forced to abandon at the age of 15 to an orphanage during the second world war. On the eve of his departure Emma is murdered by her lover, unaware, Louis begins his journey. He meets and is attracted to Maria, a tour guide. The setting moves to the island of Zakynyhos and as their intimacy grows the island weaves its spell on Louis in a voyage of love, loss and self discovery. He discovers and unfolds the layers of a secret that can only be resolved by a homecoming. The homecoming encapsulates love, identity and a quest to solve a families secret set against the backdrop of a Greek island.

 
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         Intricate shades covered the surface of the sea, like a pulsating patchwork

 

landscape, it moved and merged, constantly reinventing itself. Louis observed

 

this metamorphose from the taxi he hired in Argassis main street, that now

 

took him along the coastal road towards the capital. A salmon tinge

 

impregnated the early evening sky as Louis’ eyes paused upon a white yacht as

 

a calmness settled upon him and like the yacht he surfed upon a wave of

 

contentment. He began to accommodate thoughts of the view from his room

 

where clusters of wild flowers and an assorted green carpet of trees dropped

 

into the arms of Argassi whose tiled roofs stretched towards the aquamarine sea,

 

like giant stepping stones. Each morning, from the balcony, he would survey the

 

sea, and each time it would take hold of him  as if it was the first time, like

 

virgin territory, as a striking wealth of colour weaved a voluptuous brilliance

 

along its surface while the brush stroked waves of the Ionian added a splash of

 

white in the distinguished company of ferries, yachts, boats and the occasional

 

ocean liner.

 

The white sugar cubed appearance of Zakynthos town shimmered in the rising

 

heat, as the pine clad hill behind her sloped into the sea and disappeared.

 

Gliding further, his eyes would rest upon the peaks of mountainous Kephalonia,

 

steel slate against an azure sky and then beyond, the coastline of the

 

Peloponnese, visible and floating on the horizon. Each new morning Louis

 

would contemplate that a part of heaven had fallen from the sky and blessed this

 

part of the Ionian.

 

He sat in the rear of the taxi, a light blue Mercedes and noted that its seats were

 

beginning to ware as cracks splayed over the leather which he brushed with his

 

         finger tips. From this position only the back of the driver was visible. Louis

 

became aware that he had paid little attention to the driver, yet he now noticed

 

that he was middle aged and grey haired and deep creases fanned from the back

 

of his neck which became hidden by the collar of his white shirt. A cross hung

 

from the rear view mirror and gently swayed with the motion of the vehicle, like

 

a lethargic pendulum.

 

Louis rolled down the window, allowing the cool air to wash over his face and it

 

felt as if someone had breathed over him. He sank deep into the seat as muscles

 

relaxed. As the taxi neared the capital the early evening news filled the covered

 

space, as the capital began to engulf and dominate Louis vision. To the left

 

they passed a bell tower with an adjoining monastery, before encountering the

 

most prestige's church on the island, the church of St. Dionysios. A little further

 

and Louis’ attention was snagged by a juxtaposition of shops, cafes and

 

restaurants which trailed the entire length of the road, while parallel, fishing

 

boats, yachts and two small naval vessels, one Greek, the other Italian, hugged

 

the harbour wall. Louis gazed upon people eating meals, drinking coffee and

 

alcohol. He noted their relaxed and passive gestures, indicating their enjoyment

 

as they nodded appreciatively to attentive waiters, or throwing their heads back

 

in laughter, wrapped in conversations or merely absorbed within their own

 

space. Once the journey had been accomplished, they stopped at a taxi rank

 

opposite a large colonial inspired square.

 

The Plateia Solomos was an unexpected find. Flanked by elegant buildings

 

tropical trees and intimate pavement cafes. In the midst of this opulence stood a

 

statue of the islands famous poet, Dionysio Solomos. The earth quake of 1953

 

destroyed and devastated virtually every building on the island but it was here

 

that Louis absorbed the grandeur and elegance of the surrounding buildings

 

which he discovered included a museum and art gallery. In this particular area

 

Louis noted that there was no shortage of choice in regards to where one could

 

choose to eat a meal. It was pleasing to Louis   to find  that the majority of

 

eating establishments reflected pavement cafes in character, that created an

 

attractive Parisian atmosphere. Louis wondered, if any, which one Maria would

 

take him too, later on that evening. He looked at his watch, he had an hour to

 

spare. He consciously noted that the statue in the square was that of  Dionysio

 

Solomos for it was there that Maria instructed him to meet her.

 

The square was now beginning to pulsate with the activity of dinners and people

 

out for an early evening stroll, who leisurely contemplated the assortment of

 

menus on display. Louis began to walk in no particular direction but instead

 

he was dictated to whatever attracted his eye.
 

 
A simple looking church with a muted white facade announced itself as the
 

 
Roman Catholic Church of St. Mark. As Louis stepped towards its two wooden
 

 

 

doors, one of which lay intriguingly open, a tall man, unexpectentely appeared.
 

 
Middle aged with a sweep of silver hair, he dabbed his forehead with a white

 

handkerchief  while he invited Louis into the church.

 

“Welcome to the only Catholic church on the island, did you know there are

 

fourteen churches in the capital alone? in you come anyway”

 

Louis was amazed to hear the thick audible tones of a southern Irish accent. He

 

moved, as directed , into a small entrance where a large dark wooden cross

   

         dominated an otherwise sparse wall.

 

“Well then” the man continued, placing his handkerchief into his trouser

 

pocket, “What is your name young man?”

 

“Louis” he replied

 

“Well Louis you are welcome to look around our little humble church” he

 

gestured in a swaying motion with his hand.

 

The man wore a white shirt, opened at the collar and short sleeved with black

 

trousers. His face was, especially around his cheeks  red from the sun and

 

he sweated profusely. Louis noted that he carried some writing paper in his

 

hand.

 

         “I’m working on my sermon for this evenings mass, Marks gospel, Marks was


 
the first gospel to be written  while the others came after him, almost a first

 

hand account....its the closest we will get to one”

 

“I wasn’t aware that there would be a need for a Catholic church here”

 

“There is a lot of Philippines who work in the hotels and restaurants , they

 

mainly make up the bulk of the congregation as well as the occasional tourist,

 

however, there is not a parish priest as such, one comes every month from the

 

main land and since I was here on holiday with some friends I offered to

 

celebrate mass for the duration of my stay”

 

“Ah I see” Louis said as they moved into the main body of the church.

 

There was a silence between them as Louis took in the interior and to his

 

disappointment he found that other than the stations of the cross, that decorated

 

          three walls, the church was a poor specimen of its kind. The alter was drab in

 

appearance and not rich in the customary  artifacts associated with such places

 

         of worship.

 

It seemed strange to Louis, that in a country whose people are obedient

 

followers of the Greek Orthodox faith, he now found himself standing in a

 

small part of Rome, courtesy of the only catholic church on the island and in

 

the company of a six foot plus Irish priest. No one would believe him, he

 

thought to himself.

 

“Tell me Louis” the priest began inquisitively, as he narrowed his eyes, an

 

action that crinkled his forehead, while his lips curled into a smile that caught

 

Louis attention.

 

“When you are back in Scotland what team do you support, the blue and white

 

or the green and white?”

 

Louis returned the priests smile, acknowledging the humour in its deliverly,

 

for he was aware that the question placed before him referred to which religious

 

persuasion  did he subscribe too.

 

“Well actually that would be the green and white but of the Edinburgh variety”

 

“Really” the priest exclaimed, his smile broadened, “I had a great uncle who

 

          had a trial for Hibs, he ended up playing for Dublin City before a badly broken

 

          leg ended his career, a big man he was, he played centre back,  well then Louis

 

isn’t that a coincidence” 

 

He bent forward, lit a match and tentatively floated the flame over a candle

 

until the wick burst into a yellow flicker. He rubbed the short silver bristles on

 

         his chin, which reminded him that he still had to shave.

 

“You are welcome to attend mass if you wish the more the merrier”

 

         “Well, its been a while father”

 

“Ah, call me John” he dismissed the courtesy with a flippant gesture of the
 

hand.

  

“I’m actually meeting someone for dinner”

 

“I see, and where are you eating?”

 

“I don’t know exactly, Maria will be the best judge of that”

 

“Well you are indeed spoilt for choice there are some good restaurants in the

 

capital”

 

The mentioning of Maria reminded Louis of the time. He glanced at his watch

 

and found that he still had forty minutes to spare. He could feel his muscles

 

relax with the knowledge of this revelation which dispelled any urgency to

 

leave.

 

“So then” John said, “I suppose that I would be wasting my time in trying to

 

tempt you to join our little celebration.”

 

“Well to tell you the truth I’ve kind of drifted from the church, my conscience

 

speaks a different language”

 

Johns eyes glistened as he indicated for Louis to sit on a pew.

 

“And what language might that be”

 

“Well, I suppose you could say that I tend to  lean towards the left”

 

He reconsidered, “Possibly the far left when it comes to certain issues”

 

“Well then Louis, would you care to elaborate” John smiled.

 

“I suppose I’m quite unorthodox in my views I’d probably be excommunicated

 

by now if I had become a priest ” said Louis, aware that he had stirred within

 

John a keen interest in his opinion.

 

“Become a priest…..”

 

“I trained for several years but was pulled in another direction”

 

“It happens…best to find out before rather than later “

 

From his trouser pocket John produced the handkerchief and proceeded to

 

dampen the ever forming droplets of perspiration on his forehead.

 

“So then Louis, you don’t like sitting on the fence” his smile broadened.

 

“No, you tend to get splinters”

 

“Exactly” John said,  as he sat on a pew opposite Louis, “That’s why it is a

 

good thing to be opinionated, people know where you stand and where you are

 

coming from, so then Louis, what language does your conscience speak?”

 

Louis discerned an expectant quality in John’s question. He coughed to clear

 

his throat.

 

I suppose a modern language, one that the church does not speak today

 

unfortunately. In a nut shell I have felt for sometime now that priests should be

 

allowed to marry. The church is always complaining that there is a shortage of

 

men taking up such a vocation and it is my opinion that if a man entered the

 

priesthood with the knowledge that if he wished to marry and love another

 

human such a commitment would only be enriching towards that priest’s

 

ministry. Also if a married man could train to become a priest then this may

 

open  the priesthood  to many individuals who feel such a calling but are cruelly

 

denied what they believe to be their vocation in life.”

 

         “So you think that there are a lot of married men who feel a calling for the

 

priesthood?”

 

“I know that it would certainly be a stumbling block and that this issue of

 

marriage and celibacy puts off a lot of men who could potentially be priests. I

 

strongly feel that a man who has led a celibate existence is not qualified to

 

counsel and offer guidance to a married couple, especially when it may concern

 

areas that relate to their marriage. One tired argument that the church puts

 

forward in support of celibacy and non married priests is that a priest that  is

 

married  would not have the same level of unconditional commitment and time

 

for his parishioners, than one who is not married, yet, other Christian

 

denominations do not suffer because they allow their priests to marry, even

 

some of the apostles were married and the early popes for goodness sake”

 

The priests face took on a serious expression, like a mask and then he sighed.

 

“It is a problem that won’t disappear, yet, the church is slow.....or will not

 

address it”
 

 
“Then does it have a future? if there is no blood to work the heart it will die”
 

“Precisely” John conceded.

 

“The catholic church is forcing millions of people to abandon the faith they


 
were brought up in by being so hard lined and dictatorial on issues like

 

         contraception, living together and not being married, homosexuality and forcing

 

         millions to die of aids because it will not sanction the use of condoms even for

 

         those couples that are married and one of them  has aids or is HIV positive

 

       Where in such a belief  system is their room for tolerance, unconditional love and               

 

        acceptance?” 
 

        Louis wondered if he had spoken out of turn, after all, he thought, John had
 

 
         invited him into the church, maybe he should refrain from being so forth right

 

         with his views, yet, John’s response had not been defensive or that of

 

someone who had been offended, but rather of a person who had spent time

 

reflecting upon his faith. John smiled warmly and immediately dispelled any

 

         awkwardness that Louis felt.

 

The church was encased in a strange quietness and the softness encouraged

 

Louis to venture further.

 

“Since we are being honest would you be offended if I were to carry on”

 

“No, not at all I enjoy such discussions” he leaned forward and said, “Please

 

carry on”

 

“I accept whole heartedly that Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus,

 

that is fundamental to my beliefs, however, I do struggle with the churches

 

teaching that after Jesus she had no more children. There are instances in the

 

gospels where John is mentioned as the brother of Jesus or was it James?

 

anyway, there are very prominent figures who subscribe to the view that it is

 

possible that Jesus had brothers and sisters. I do not think that such beliefs

 

demean the concept of the immaculate conception nor does it take away the

 

veneration the church bestows upon her.”

 

Louis shifted his weight, “After saying all of that I would be totally opposed to

 

any theory that suggested that Jesus had experienced sexual relationships.......

 

simply because of his status as the son of god”

 

Like the church John sat still in silence, he scratched his chin.

 

Louis wondered and not for the first, if he had ventured to far.

 

John stooped forward, resting his elbows on his thighs.

 

“ I have the view that it is not just the words that come out of a person’s mouth

 

that are important, but rather, what that person feels in their heart and if there is

 

goodness there and compassion for the human spirit then in my opinion that

 

person is a religious being and yes I have contemplated the views that you

 

express and personally I do not  have a problem with them for you speak of the

 

human side of living, yet, maybe the godly side would disagree. There would be

 

those in the church who would be horrified at such suggestions for this is not

 

the catholic faith that we profess. Then again others would say that such

 

opinions are enlightening. I feel that to take part in such debates can only be

 

          healthy as it encourages one to explore their faith and their concept of god”

 

John shifted his weight.

 

“The virgin birth is not at the centre of my faith. The sermon on the mount

 

defines my faith, it is the greatest speech that was ever spoken, from it all of the

 

great men that have shaped our thinking and changed our world in one way or

 

another either unknowingly or purposely borrowed from those great words.

 

Jesus speaking about justice, poverty, forgiveness, charity, faith and love

 

inspired people to change the way they lived their lives. His death and

 

resurrection are at the centre of my faith for without them I have no faith. So it

 

is not whether Mary was a virgin when Jesus was born but rather am I inspired

 

to live the life that Jesus’ words reveal to me?” 

 

“Mmm I’m disappointed that I am going to miss your sermon now”

 

Louis could feel a confident surge return to him, encouraged by Johns words.

 

“Since I have spent time in this country I have certainly felt some kind of

 

spirituality present in its people, its landscapes and certainly the churches and I

 

do feel a closeness  to god that I have not experienced for a long time now. I

 

think it is because in this country its people and society are ingrained in their

 

religion in such a way that it filters into every fabric of  life. You cannot go

 

anywhere in this country without finding a church at the top of a hill or

 

discovering one in the middle of know where”

  

Louis noted that one wall was ablaze in sunlight, splaying light on the dark

 

wooden carved images of the stations of the cross.

 

“You are a good man Louis and I thank god for allowing us to meet, I would

 

have liked to have the luxury to talk more  but I must begin to prepare for this

 

evenings mass”

 

They both rose to their feet.

 

“Of course it was a pleasure, I’ll see myself out”

 

“Enjoy your evening Louis”

 

“Thank you father, I will”

 

John extended his hand, Louis accepted it and they shook hands. Louis was

 

surprised at how strong and firm Johns grip was.

 

“God bless, and may you walk in his presence”

 

“Goodbye” said Louis as he turned to leave the church.  

 

Louis found himself wondering down a narrow lane, called Metropoleos,

 

he came across a street named, Alexando Roma flanked on both sides shops

 

applied their trade enticing their would be customers with their cosmopolitan

 

flavour. Above such assortment of trade, a juxtaposition of apartments loomed

 

above the street, their balconies communal havens, where children played and

 

parents celebrated the joy of the family as the early evening light transformed

 

the sky with a fusion of flame red and soft blue. Colourful window gardens and

 

clay pots periodically painted alluring greens and rose red against striking white

 

washed walls. Louis walked without purpose, absorbing the salubrious climate

 

vitalising him with each step. He walked further and found himself

 

amongst the familiar setting of the quayside. The traffic became heavier here,

 

the intimate features of Alexando Roma were now left behind, consumed by the

 

turmoil and volatile nature of the capital.

 

He walked further and imagined that this must be how a child would feel in a

 

fairground. He inhaled the smells and tasted the aroma of strong coffee that

 

hovered in the air and he was gratified that such simple pleasures had been

 

revealed to him.

 

An old priest sat on a wooden stool at the top of some steps that led to the

 

church of St. Dionysios, his silver beard cascading onto his chest. His thin

 

and vein lined hands lay on his lap, resting on the folds of his ankle hugging

 

black robe. Several people climbed the steps and with an Olympian effort he

 

stood up and greeted them warmly before they entered the large dark entrance.

 

Louis mounted the steps, the old priest had once again rested his body on the

 

         creaking stool. He did not greet Louis with the warm affection that he had

 

display previously but simply nodded his head without expression. Louis

 

returned the gesture and smiled. His attention was snagged by the flicker of

 

gold, the wax of burning candles and the audible intonations and hypnotic tones

 

of a melody, a prayer that ventured outside and caressed his ears with a gentle,

 

low voice, amplified by the acoustics of the building. There were many people

 

inside, some lighting candles, others in deep meditation and prayer amongst an

 

ornamentation of gold that illuminated the church interior, like emanating rays

 

of sunlight. A vast wealth of colour adorned the ceiling and walls, a pulsating

 

and vibrant spectacle that Louis found intensively addictive. Layer by layer his

 

senses became alive with wonderment. He sucked in a breath and the curtain

 

of his memory blew back as images presented themselves, a thread of another

 

life that imposed itself upon him. Pictures and voices filed his head, as real as

 

the old man in his black robe, each contained a clarity of detail, that shocked

 

Louis, as they surfaced one after the another, shedding memories. He felt as if

 

he had stepped inside this world and was a silent witness, as he watched Jez ride

 

a scooter, for the first time, cumbersomely along a narrow lane in the heart of

 

Rome, he encountered the contentment on Emmas face as they scanned the

 

distinguished Edinburgh skyline from the advantageous height of the

 

observatory, he could feel Emma’s voice soak into him as they drank coffee in

 

Ryan’s bar and shared a scone with jam and cream, he saw his father walk into

 

a glorious light and turn and wave before his body melted into that brilliant

 

source, Emma touched his cheek and tentatively kissed his forehead he could 

 

sense her lips upon his skin as her familiar perfume surrounded him.

 

         And then he was suddenly aware that his eyes were clouded in a glaze, he

 

dropped his head and covered his face with his hands.

 

Louis was unaware of time as he stood  in this fixed position, sobbing. He

 

adjusted himself and wiped the wetness from his face, startled, he

 

herd a tentative but reassuring voice, “Let it pass, it is part of the healing”

 

Louis turned to find the old priest standing next to him, his thick beard falling

 

like a curtain.

 

“I have seen this reaction many times, some are over come with happiness

 

others with a profound sense of grief, St. Dionysios enters and touches the lives

 

of the many people who come to this church”

 

Louis was astounded, it seemed inconceivable, unbearable even, that such a

 

reaction overcame him with such intensity that he had no control over it. It had

 

emanated from his stomach, tightening his chest, before it lodged in his throat,

 

escaping through the convulsing sobs that paralysed ever nerve ending. He

 

could not disengage himself from it. He felt as if he had been anaesthetised by

 

emotion and plunged into a deep ravine of embarrassment, of pity and of guilt.          

      

He attempted to compose himself but the sensation had not yet completely left

 

him. He sniffed the gathering mucus from his nose, involuntary spasms jerked

 

the muscles of his shoulders and a look of agonised shock and bewilderment

 

suffused his face.

 

He was in no doubt that time had exorcised the ghost of Emma from his mind,

 

yet, he now realised that each living cell and fibre in his body was traumatised

 

by the realisation that this church had summoned and revealed that he had still

 

to grieve for the loss of the life that she could have had. Louis understood that

 

his grieving had been a self centred, selfish cycle, it only concerned what had

 

been taken from him not what had been lost to Emma. He now realised the

 

enormity of the unveiling. The promise of motherhood, of nurturing an innocent

 

life full of possibilities, the prospect of marriage, of sharing her life with

 

another human being, thoughts, senses, touch, discovering together the

 

unfolding of new chapters that shape and mould new directions which open up

 

and become impressed upon a life, these things he could now concede would

 

never be hers to experience.

 

“I am not crying for myself but for another person” Louis heard himself respond

 

           An attempt to justify his dissolving demeanour.

 

The priest laid a skeletal hand on Louis shoulder as two swallows cleaved 

 

through the still air with a proficient precision, simultaneously gliding and

 

turning in an articulate display of artistry in flight that resembled the rehearsed

 

movements of an eloquent dance.

 

The priest pointed a crocked finger in their direction, “Some people say that

 

returning swallows are the souls of dead friends visiting their loved ones, that is

 

why they return year after year to the same houses and buildings”

   

The thought presented itself that if Emma was a swallow she would indeed visit

 

him and make sure that he was well.

 

A warm sensation erupted within his abdomen, Louis nodded and smiled at the

 

priest.

 

“Yes I’m sure she would” he heard his voice compensate in relief.

 

He breathed in deeply and a tight pulling grabbed his chest and the thought of

 

spending the evening with Maria submerged him in an apparent nervous flurry

 

          a discomfort that he attributed to the resurrected emotions for Emma that had

 

shattered his bubble of contentment that the last few weeks had afforded him.

 

And now that he had confronted the veiled emergence of his submerged grief

 

with the understanding that it was unavoidable he found himself relieved that

 

it had been exposed and was now over with. He could now channel his

 

emotions with renewed vigour towards the profound and undeniable pleasurable

 

feelings he cradled for Maria.

 

The indiscriminate clinking of the fishing boats accompanied Louis as he strode

 

with confident strides towards the square. Running parallel, voices and traffic

 

reached him as he eagerly considered feasting his eyes upon her once again.

 

Prompted by the gripping need to unfold himself within her presence and  he

 

craved the immediate details of her features.

 

He crossed the road and began to gently jog towards the square. The sound of

 

impatient car horns, cursed the air as Louis noted a lengthening number of

 

vehicles ground to an inconvenient halt. Several drivers had began to leave their

 

cars and approach the vehicle in front whose owner lay slumped over the

 

steering wheel. Louis did not see the man, who looked as if he had succumbed

 

to a deep sleep, but instead he was drawn to a women with an orange and

 

yellow tattoo imprinted upon her arm. His jog became a quick walk, as the

 

sultry air threatened to stain his top with sweat.

 

Once he had reached the square he anxiously looked around. To his surprise

 

he found scores of children, accompanied by their parents, filling the square.

 

like an army of purposeful ants, the children converged upon each spare metre,

 

          with bicycles, tricycles and scooters in a crescendo of squeals and exuberant

 

pitched voices watched by the protective glances of parents on the sidelines. A

 

cumbersome, yet, intent child of two wondered the square in search of

 

something to detain his curiosity. He was comically unsteady on his feet and

 

stumbled several times, though each time he managed to regain his balance. A

 

panic expression passed across the mothers face and its effects announced to

 

Louis her instilled parental attachment amongst the swell of curious faces that

 

inspected the child with varying degrees of weighted detachment. And then,

 

amongst the concoctive concerto of blissful excitement that radiated effortlessly

 

from the square, Louis thought he heard his name being called.

 

Chapters

23

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Diwrite wrote 222 days ago

The premise of this story is really interesting, and seems to have everything - unrequited love, death and ultimately rebirth. And you can't go wrong with a sunshine island either!

Although the story seems to have plenty of pace, I stumbled a bit over the writing. I think you may have fallen into the trap of overwriting. We've all done it, and it just takes a critical eye on your own work to see it.

For example, you may want to trim down the similes. Less is definitely more with these (and metaphors), and they're far more effective when the reader can relate to them - rather than trying to figure them out.
The froth camping on the businessman's nose is lovely because I can see it straight away.
However, I'm not sure a bad decision can infest someone with pangs of regret like a spreading rash. Instead, how about 'He regretted his dubious decision not to hail one of the taxis that ubiquitously patrolled the Edinburgh streets.' As a reader, it lets me follow the story without your literary style being lost.

It's also worth looking at your tenses and sentence structure.
'Several years later and living in Edinburgh, he discovers that Emma is having an affair and becomes pregnant' should read 'and has become pregnant' (you don't want to suggest that Louis has become pregnant!).
Try reading your work aloud and punctuate according to your pauses. So for example:
'On the eve of his departure Emma is murdered by her lover, unaware, Louis begins his journey' becomes
'... murdered by her lover. Unaware, Louis begins is journey.'

Apologies if this seems unduly harsh, but I think you have a good story here. Simplifying your writing will let readers get caught up in it without stumbling over the words.

I hope this helps - if not, feel free to ignore it!

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Shelby Z. wrote 224 days ago

The Homecoming by Dougie McHale
Well portrayed descriptions. The reader can nearly feel the cold and desperation.
Your writing flows as does your plot. You unfold things very well as the situations come to light.
The story has an easy pace.
Also the pitch is very well created.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Su Dan wrote 445 days ago

good flowing story- your competent writing skills with effective and descriptive narrative...
good enough to back///
read SEASONS...

Kitchenwych wrote 485 days ago

Agree with previous comment that the double spacing is distracting. Also you use apostrophe in 'it's' erroneously - 'it's' = 'it is' 'its', without apostrophe is the possessive pronoun.

kiwigirl2011 wrote 523 days ago

Hi Dougie
The double spacing is a little distracting.
There is a 3 instead of an ‘s’ in the word ‘crisp’, and then again in the word ‘his’
I think you move forward in time a week after Louis discovers her in bed with someone else, but it’s difficult to realise at first because it follows on immediately. Perhaps some kind of break, like this:

---

And then carry on writing?
He had drunk his fill of it’s unpalatable nature and… should be ‘its’
I love your pitch. It promises a fantastic tale, offering everything I love to read! But the way it is formatted is distracting to me. Please if you upload it again without the double spacing let me know.
I find your writing beautifully descriptive. I enjoy writing that paints a picture in my mind as I read and you do that very well.
5 stars :-)
Tammy Robinson

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