Book Jacket

 

rank 5846
word count 89105
date submitted 16.12.2011
date updated 09.03.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Romance
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Homecoming

Dougie McHale

The Homecoming encapsulates love, identity, self discovery and a quest to solve a mother's secret set against the backdrop of a Greek island.

 

Whilst training for the priesthood, Louis Satriani abandoned this world for a woman, Emma. Several years later and living in Edinburgh, he discovers that Emma is having an affair and becomes pregnant. Louis world is turned into an emotional spiral. He decides to visit a friend from his seminar days and inform him that he is going to travel through Greece which will afford him the opportunity to rediscover himself. The story of his friend's housekeeper intrigues Louis especially hearing of the baby she was forced to abandon at the age of 15 to an orphanage during the second world war. On the eve of his departure Emma is murdered by her lover, unaware, Louis begins his journey. He meets and is attracted to Maria, a tour guide. The setting moves to the island of Zakynyhos and as their intimacy grows the island weaves its spell on Louis in a voyage of love, loss and self discovery. He discovers and unfolds the layers of a secret that can only be resolved by a homecoming. The homecoming encapsulates love, identity and a quest to solve a families secret set against the backdrop of a Greek island.

 
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greece, loss, love, self discovery

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24

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          He contemplated the construction of her face and didnt take his eyes from her.

 

He glided a finger upon the skin of her arm. He withdrew his hand, her face was

 

exquisite to him.

 

“Are you feeling ok? she asked.

 

“Yes, I’ve never felt better”

 

She stared at him, “Its just that you seem....How should I say this....over

 

indulged in your affection”

 

He placed his hand on hers and leaned towards her.

 

“I can’t help myself, tonight I am the luckiest man in the world and yes I know

 

that sounds corny but I dont care, thats how I feel”


 

 

She smiled displaying milk white teeth, enjoying Louis disclosure and then she

 

said, “I have thought of nothing else but tonight. I feel like I did when I was a

 

child on Christmas eve filled with excitement and expectation”

 

Maria had spent the day willing the hours to pass, a languorous waiting that felt

 

as if her watch had stopped and time refused to pass as the day stretched out

 

before her and the business of the day uncoiled itself in a slow lethargic motion.  

 

“How is Michalis?” Louis asked.

 

“He is fine, no more seizure”

 

“I’m glad .....and your mother?”

 

“You must have made a good impression, she wants to know when you are

 

coming for lunch again.....a well mannered man she said and I  was not to let

 

you go”

 

“It’s nice to know that I am welcome, you have a lovely family Maria”

 

“In fact she was asking about you today and wondering when I was seeing you

 

          next”

 

Louis watched Maria as she spoke. Her dark eyes sparkled, like the sun

 

skimming water, he thought. He felt a confident swell inside him, a feeling

 

that emerged with a fulfilled sense of acceptance. It encouraged him.

 

“You have a beautiful face”

 

She lowered her head shyly. He reached out with his hand and lifted her chin.

 

“I find it unbelievable that I am here with you on this island”

 

Maria wrapped her fingers around his hand, brought them to her lips and kissed

 

his skin softly.

 

“What did you do today?” Maria asked.

 

After such an intimate gesture her question was unexpected. Louis tried to

 

gather his thoughts. She replaced his hand with a glass of wine. He watched as

 

she brought the glass to her lips and for the first time in his life he found himself

 

envious of a drinking vessel.

 

“Well I had breakfast with Anna on her porch, eh, she has finally decided that

 

she is fed up waiting for her son to visit she has taken the matter into her own

 

hands and invited herself to his apartment in Athens.

 

“Really” Maria said, a small grin creasing her lips.

 

“Yes, in fact she is leaving tomorrow morning”

 

“Good for her” Maria empathised, a pleased disposition lasing her voice.

 

“She plans to be away for at least a week she said that she hasn’t been to Athens

 

since she was a young women, so she is going to take advantage of her free

 

lodgings. She has asked me to watch over her house for her.”

 

The possibility of an absent Anna motivated the thought  and tempting

 

          consequences of being alone, undisturbed with Maria.

 

Maria raised her eyebrows as she watched Louis face.

 

“Anna must think highly of you, entrusting you with her house”

 

“Yes, I suppose she must”

 

“In fact, Anna has told my mother that she has grown quite fond of you”

 

Louis smiled, “I think I fill a void in her life”

 

At that moment a waiter arrived with the food they had ordered, their

 

conversation disturbed as the plates were placed on their table, the silence

 

between them punctuated by the occasional courteous ‘efaresto’ as the waiter

 

arranged the table with a wide smile.

 

“Enjoy your meal” the waiter said, parting to attend to other diners.

 

The intoxicating aroma, forced them to indulge their taste buds. Louis ate

 

carefully, the prospect of splashing Bolognese sauce unceremoniously onto

 

his top was an indignation that he hoped to avoid. Maria had suggested the dish

 

and Louis did not want to be seen as impolite, however, the litres of Italian

 

blood that ran through his veins did not compensate for the red tide that

 

from childhood had consistently dyed his mouth, like misplaced lipstick. With

 

each attentive mouthful, he routinely wiped his mouth with a napkin disposing

 

of any ignominious mark.

 

It had began to get dark. Waiters progressed from table to table, lighting candles

 

whose flickering aluminous flames reminded Louis of the rows of wavering

 

fluorescent candles in the Church of St. Dionysos. It was at this time of the

 

evening that the imposing facades in the square were transformed by the

 

darkness into luminescent neon backdrops.           

 

        “Are you working tomorrow?” Louis asked.

 

Maria swallowed some food, before answering, “No it is my day off”

 

She drank some more. Louis watched the movement of her Adams apple.

 

“And have you any plans?” he enquired, an expression of expectance washed

 

his face. The ends of his fingers tingled as his breathing involuntarily

 

accelerated. Those around him conversed in fluttering waves, unaware that the

 

answer he eagerly anticipated hinged upon the spontaneous outpouring of joy or

 

the insufferable endurance of a sinking sadness that would be the source of an

 

intolerable burning in his chest.

 

“Actually I thought we might go to the beach”

 

“The beach” said Louis, “What a wonderful idea” Louis constructed a sudden

 

picture of a golden deserted beach uninhibited but for Maria and

 

himself.

 

“Ag. Nicolaos is very popular, I often go there with friends, the water is lovely

 

and clear”       

 

“Oh, I see,” Louis thought for a moment, “And how do we get to....Ag.

 

Nicolaos?” he smiled to palliate any sign of disappointment.

 

“We can take the bus”

 

“Perfect” said Louis, feeling the roots of rapture wrap around him once more,

 

dispelling his discomposure with the thought of spending another day with

 

Maria as an unintelligible excitement began to ferment inside him.

 

“The south of Zakynthos is beautiful  it has long, white and

 

unspoilt beaches. The developments of the get rich quick squads are

 

thankfully absent.” Maria continued, “There are some nice beaches worth

 

 

visiting, Porto Zoro, Banana Beach and Gerakas beach”  

 

“We could see them all”

 

“There was a time when I would choose a different beach each weekend,

 

there was a crowd of us but then things happen and you drift apart. My best

 

friend loved all things Egyptian, she studied Egyptology and became a tour

 

guide at the pyramids. She loves it, very serious about her work. One day after

 

she had been all day with a certain group she asked them questions, like a quiz.

 

One of the questions was, who married Cleopatra? and someone replied

 

Richard Burton, well she was not impressed......I laughed when she told me but

 

she was not amused, she had a lack of ability for humour, but that was part of

 

her charm it was a standing joke”   

  

“Does she still work in Egypt?” Louis grinned, appreciating the pun.

 

“No not anymore, she is dead.” 

 

“Oh, I am sorry”

 

“She overdosed on heroine, seemingly she had an insatiable addiction, it was

 

terribly sad, in the end she lost her job but by this time she had fallen into a bad

 

crowd. The odd thing was they were all in well paid jobs not like the down and

 

outs that you normally associate with drug taking. Although she died over there

 

her body was brought back. She is buried here beside her mother” 

 

Maria looked away her face immersed in a tangible sadness.

 

“I am sorry Maria,”

 

“It drained her, squeezed the life out of her. She came home just before she

 

died, she was a different person”

 

“I can sympathise with that. In Edinburgh amongst some of my friends, cocaine

 

was viewed as a fashion accessory, especially at dinner parties, it was the

 

         dessert instead of pudding. It was wide spread. They would spend all day

 

working in the office and unwind with a line of coke sniffed through twenty

 

pound notes. Most of my friends started taken it during university, it was part of

 

         the lifestyle, the social scene. I tried it once or twice, but never to the extent that

 

it became a problem. And then, when in your late twenties at weekends, at

 

friends houses it was handed out, like cups of coffee. There was such an

 

acceptance. Emma took it more than I did, as I said I tried it occasionally but

 

not to the extent of some where it was every weekend. A few were getting the

 

stuff delivered to their offices would you believe it, in envelopes, even couriers

 

would be used. After the weekend theyd be looking for their next hit by the

 

Wednesday. I decided then that I would stop. These people were feeding a

 

serious habit, they were addicted.”               

    

Maria listened to Louis, her eyes transfixed, not leaving his face. Louis drew in

 

a deep breath, he felt compelled to tell her, he wanted her to know the truth in

 

all its naked ugliness.

 

“My only experience with drugs was some puffs on a.....what would you say”

 

“Spliff” Louis offered.

 

“Yes, it made me feel violently sick, so I never touched it again”

 

“As I said some people had a problem, I never let it get that far....I hate the

 

smell of cigarette smoke, My only indulgence is alcohol”

 

Maria raised her wine glass to her lips.

 

“Mine too” she said smiling.

 

“Although” said Louis, curling his lips, “I could easily find another indulgence”

 

         “Oh you could, tell me what that would be?” she said, curiously watching him.

 

“Well” Louis stretched the word teasingly, “I could easily get addicted to your

 

mothers cooking”

 

“Louis” she laughed.

 

The distant sound of a horses hooves tugged his attention, filling him with

 

curiosity and as he turned his gaze found  an open top carriage, pulled by a

 

magnificent black horse that snorted as it explored the ground with its twitching

 

nose. Its body shone  in the glow of lights that illuminated the square and

 

restaurants.

 

Maria indicated towards the horse, “Venice has its gondolas but here in

 

Zakynthos we have our horse drawn carriages”

 

Louis turned to face her, “Why dont we try one”

 

Maria nodded, running her fingers through her hair and pulling it back from her
 

 
face.

 

“That sounds very romantic”

 

They spent the rest of the night moving from bar to bar and as they did they held

 

hands. At quarter passed midnight they strolled in the shadow of the church of

 

St. Dionysos. They sat on the steps that led to the church. Louis thought about

 

the priest who had spoken to him and he wondered what he would be doing

 

now. He fiercely regretted not telling Maria about the days experience, the

 

existence of such a conflict was raw and bare, encouraged by the alcohol that

 

permeated his blood stream.

 

For a moment a rush of panic interrogated him, pulling at his abdomen. Maria

 

         was studying his face, her eyes searching his features, like a flash light in the

 

dark. He wondered if the expression on his face had betrayed him and exposed

 

his thoughts, he looked at her warily and sheepishly, until, she resumed her

 

smile.

 

“Lets get a taxi” she said

 

“To where?”

 

“I’d like to see the view from your balcony”  

 

Chapters

24

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Diwrite wrote 217 days ago

The premise of this story is really interesting, and seems to have everything - unrequited love, death and ultimately rebirth. And you can't go wrong with a sunshine island either!

Although the story seems to have plenty of pace, I stumbled a bit over the writing. I think you may have fallen into the trap of overwriting. We've all done it, and it just takes a critical eye on your own work to see it.

For example, you may want to trim down the similes. Less is definitely more with these (and metaphors), and they're far more effective when the reader can relate to them - rather than trying to figure them out.
The froth camping on the businessman's nose is lovely because I can see it straight away.
However, I'm not sure a bad decision can infest someone with pangs of regret like a spreading rash. Instead, how about 'He regretted his dubious decision not to hail one of the taxis that ubiquitously patrolled the Edinburgh streets.' As a reader, it lets me follow the story without your literary style being lost.

It's also worth looking at your tenses and sentence structure.
'Several years later and living in Edinburgh, he discovers that Emma is having an affair and becomes pregnant' should read 'and has become pregnant' (you don't want to suggest that Louis has become pregnant!).
Try reading your work aloud and punctuate according to your pauses. So for example:
'On the eve of his departure Emma is murdered by her lover, unaware, Louis begins his journey' becomes
'... murdered by her lover. Unaware, Louis begins is journey.'

Apologies if this seems unduly harsh, but I think you have a good story here. Simplifying your writing will let readers get caught up in it without stumbling over the words.

I hope this helps - if not, feel free to ignore it!

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Shelby Z. wrote 219 days ago

The Homecoming by Dougie McHale
Well portrayed descriptions. The reader can nearly feel the cold and desperation.
Your writing flows as does your plot. You unfold things very well as the situations come to light.
The story has an easy pace.
Also the pitch is very well created.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Su Dan wrote 440 days ago

good flowing story- your competent writing skills with effective and descriptive narrative...
good enough to back///
read SEASONS...

Kitchenwych wrote 480 days ago

Agree with previous comment that the double spacing is distracting. Also you use apostrophe in 'it's' erroneously - 'it's' = 'it is' 'its', without apostrophe is the possessive pronoun.

kiwigirl2011 wrote 518 days ago

Hi Dougie
The double spacing is a little distracting.
There is a 3 instead of an ‘s’ in the word ‘crisp’, and then again in the word ‘his’
I think you move forward in time a week after Louis discovers her in bed with someone else, but it’s difficult to realise at first because it follows on immediately. Perhaps some kind of break, like this:

---

And then carry on writing?
He had drunk his fill of it’s unpalatable nature and… should be ‘its’
I love your pitch. It promises a fantastic tale, offering everything I love to read! But the way it is formatted is distracting to me. Please if you upload it again without the double spacing let me know.
I find your writing beautifully descriptive. I enjoy writing that paints a picture in my mind as I read and you do that very well.
5 stars :-)
Tammy Robinson

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