Book Jacket

 

rank 5885
word count 89105
date submitted 16.12.2011
date updated 09.03.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Romance
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Homecoming

Dougie McHale

The Homecoming encapsulates love, identity, self discovery and a quest to solve a mother's secret set against the backdrop of a Greek island.

 

Whilst training for the priesthood, Louis Satriani abandoned this world for a woman, Emma. Several years later and living in Edinburgh, he discovers that Emma is having an affair and becomes pregnant. Louis world is turned into an emotional spiral. He decides to visit a friend from his seminar days and inform him that he is going to travel through Greece which will afford him the opportunity to rediscover himself. The story of his friend's housekeeper intrigues Louis especially hearing of the baby she was forced to abandon at the age of 15 to an orphanage during the second world war. On the eve of his departure Emma is murdered by her lover, unaware, Louis begins his journey. He meets and is attracted to Maria, a tour guide. The setting moves to the island of Zakynyhos and as their intimacy grows the island weaves its spell on Louis in a voyage of love, loss and self discovery. He discovers and unfolds the layers of a secret that can only be resolved by a homecoming. The homecoming encapsulates love, identity and a quest to solve a families secret set against the backdrop of a Greek island.

 
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greece, loss, love, self discovery

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Chapters

28

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         He was a menacing figure on the pavement that leered at them, unscrupulously,

 

He periodically pressed a crumpled bag to his face, inhaling an intoxicating

 

substance whilst peering at them with intimidating and glassed demonic eyes.

 

He volleyed words in their direction, spat through a row of yellow coated

 

stalagmite teeth. They were unable to hear their meaning, however, his defiant

 

demeanour and threatening posture enabled them to appreciate that they were

 

not conducive to pleasantries, but rather delivered with a provocative sting.

 

Louis and Maria decided that the most effective form of protection was to

 

ignore him by refraining to acknowledge his presence.

 

Louis considered what he would do if the dishevelled figure entered the

 

restaurant and continued his hostility towards them. A torrent of adrenaline

 

rushed through him as an image formed of the two of them rolling between the

 

tables and chairs and a depiction of American wrestlers presented itself. This

 

comic illustration was replaced by an uneasy anxiety, laced with an urgent

 

protectiveness towards Maria.

 

Either bored or craving other forms of stimulant the unsavoury character

 

moved on, monitored by the curious glances of a few waiters. Louis watched

 

him through the reflection of the windows on the opposite side of the street and

 

he shared Marias relief when he past the entrance to the restaurant, eradicating

 

the prospect of an  un welcomed confrontation.


 
“Has he gone?” consternation blossomed in her voice.

 

“Yes, I watched his reflection in those windows across the road” he said,

 

assuring her.

 

         “Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, of course I am, don’t worry”
 

As they were eating, Louis noted a small golden cross that hung from a fine

 

and delicate chain around Marias neck.

 

“I’ve not seen you ware that necklace before”

 

“It was a gift from my mother for a birthday. I’ve had it for years, I use to

 

ware it all the time but now the chain is so fragile I now only put it on for

 

special occasions....like tonight”

 

She fingered the cross and glided it through the chain several times. A distant

 

glaze shadowed Louis. Maria looked into his face.

 

“Is there something wrong?”

 

“No, I was thinking about a conversation  I had with Jez, he phoned just after

 

we got back from our walk”

 

“You have been in a strange mood, you are distant Louis”

 

“I’m sorry ” he said gently. Louis face was transparent with

 

contemplation. He noticed a skinny cat stretch luxuriously under a table, its

 

anonymity evident amongst the diners. Marias necklace flickered, catching

 

the night time lights of the restaurant.

 

“Actually your necklace reminded me of Carris, do you remember her, she is

 

the lady that Jez is looking after”

 

“Of course, how could I forget” she said sympathetically.

 

“Well, it seems that before her baby was taken from her, she had given it a

 

necklace carved with the virgin Mary on the pendent, on the back of this was

 

the inscription of its name and date of birth. She begged those that took her

         

         baby to keep it on her so that she would always know her real name and the

 

date of her birth, Seemingly she was given a promise that her wishes would

 

be carried out. Now that she is dying these recollections are obviously important

 

to her and in her more lucid moments she is talking about these things regarding

 

her baby”

 

“It must have been dreadful, living a life time without knowing what your child

 

grew up to look like or be. She could be a grandmother by now”

 

Maria ran her fingers through a curtain of hair.

 

“And now it seems that she will never know, Jez said that they do not think

 

she will see the end of the month”

 

“Why that is only two weeks away”

 

“Yes, I know” Louis shifted in his chair, Maria thought that he looked

 

thoughtful, Louis felt nervous.

 

“There is one more thing Maria” he hesitated.  

 

“Jez ask me if I would consider returning to Scotland in order to help him

 

through this time...just for a short while”

 

Maria sat still as a rush of panic ran through her.

 

“And what did you say?” She looked at Louis and swallowed anxiously. She sat


 
up straight in her chair, poised for his answer.

 

“At first I didn’t say anything and then I said I would think about it. He is a dear
 

friend, I have known Jez a long time, he is like a brother to me. I feel as if I

 

have abandoned him”
 

 
“Have you thought about me...did you tell Jez you would talk to me about this
 

 
and consider how I would feel”
 

“You know I love you Maria it does not mean that I wont be coming back”

 

Maria saw within Louis face the agony of a decision he had still to make and

 

the expression on his face ignited a feeling of sympathy for him that for a

 

moment calmed the storm that was her own emotions.

 

She reached out and held his hand, Louis was aware that she was trembling.

 

“Then you must go” she said, quite matter of fact, and once she had spoken the

 

words, she fought to control the conflicting emotions that clawed at her.

 

She averted her eyes from him and stared at the food on the table that now

 

seemed insignificant and unappealing. In that instance Louis was so surprised at

 

the delivery of her words, he could not speak.

 

Finally he said, as if to answer his own indecision, “It would only be for a

 

couple of weeks at the most”

 

“When would you go?” her throat burned, as if a hot poker had been thrust

 

into it.

 

“Within the next few days I suppose. I would have to book a flight to Athens 

 

and then to Edinburgh or Glasgow”

 

The mentioning of the cities seemed to emphasise the distance that would be

 

between them.

 

He lifted her chin and stroked her face.

 

“I will only go if I know you want me to” he said soothingly.

 

Although she tried not to, her eyes sparkled with tears. She looked at him and

 

bit her lip.

 

“You will be going back to your other life and I will be here waiting for you

 

           not knowing what you are doing. You might even meet someone you find

 

attractive” she said numbly.

 

I will think about you ever second of every day and I will phone you every

 

day in the morning, afternoon and at night and there is no girl in Scotland that

 

could ever come close to how you make me feel.”

 

His heart was racing. He gulped the sultry air, flavoured in cooked food and

 

animated conversations that rose and  fell to the low murmur of voices. His

 

sanctuary had been invaded, fragments of another life had cascaded over its

 

walls. He contemplated saying that he would not go but knew that would now

 

only make matters worse. He felt as if someone had punched him in the

 

stomach but most of all he felt that he was betraying her.

 

He waited until their eyes met.

 

“The last thing I want to do is to hurt you Maria, I could not bare it if I thought

 

that my absence would cause you so much distress. You must believe me when

 

I tell you that I love you more than anything in this world and if you want me to

 

stay I will phone Jez and tell him that I cannot leave you” he paused to let the

 

inference of his words sink in.

 

Maria composed herself, she hesitated. “I am being silly and selfish, your friend

 

needs you at this time, how can I stop you from going, I will be with tourists

 

who will find there way home and just like them  I know you will come back”

 

“My life is here Maria, every thing that I want is here in you”

 

His thoughts somersaulted and cart wheeled inside his head. He could not

 

bare the thought of leaving Maria behind and the possibility of not seeing her

 

          face for several weeks left him feeling hollow. He could not have gone

 

without her approval, he was sure of that, even though it felt as if she had no

 

choice. Did she feel duty bond? the thought alarmed him, it engulfed him and

 

flooded him, like torrential rain. She could be concealing her true feelings. He

 

needed the assurance of knowing that she was genuinely insistent that he should

 

go.

 

Come with me” he heard himself saying, as if someone else had spoken the 

 

words. “Yes that is it Maria we will both go”

 

The idea of Maria accompanying him to Scotland made him instantly

 

undisturbed. His face lit up. Why hadnt he thought of this? it seemed so simple.

 

“Jez would love to meet you” he said convinced. Maria felt an uneasiness stab

 

her.

 

“I’m not sure Louis, may be under different circumstances.”

 

“No its perfect Maria, can’t you see. I wouldnt be expected to be with Jez all

 

of the time. I could take you to visit my mother, you could see Edinburgh and

 

we could stay at my place. There is no one staying in the flat at the moment the

 

arrangement I had with John from work has now expired. He has his own place

 

now. What do you think” he looked at her intently.

 

Oh Louis, I’m not so sure. This is all so sudden. One minute we are having a

 

meal then you tell me that you are going away to Scotland and now you want

 

me to come with you” She said exasperated. “What am I to do” The thought

 

of  being in the same rooms that Louis shared with Emma, the place that they

 

called home, ate in and made love in, unsettled her.

 

“Its perfect Maria” he touched her face as if to strengthen his argument.

 

           “You would have to ask Jez. I would not want to intrude upon some one

 

elses grief. And then there is my work and the money involved. I dont even

 

know if my passport is still in date”

 

He took her hand and kissed it. “Then we will find out and if need be we will

 

get you a new one. I want you to come with me.....Im not going without you”

 

She smiled “You are so persuasive, but I have already had a week off work, I

 

dont think I could get more time off at such short notice”

   

“Then tell them you are sick or that you have to visit a dying relative” Louis

 

insisted. He could feel his elation begin to evaporate as he felt the wash of

 

concern manifest over him.

 

Maria was tempted to agree, yet, the logistics, left her uncertain. She sighed

 

frustrated at not being able to commit herself to an answer. She lifted a glass

 

of wine to her lips for fortification. Louis watched as a wet circular mark

 

stained the table cloth.

 

In reflection he found himself wishing that Jez had not asked him to return and

 

with the benefit of hindsight he sensed an insurgence of regret that he had even

 

mentioned it to Maria. He should have told Jez at the time that he could not

 

come. He knew that Jez must be distressed in the face of such adversity, he was

 

obviously unable to cope on his own with the gravity of the situation, otherwise

 

Louis knew he would not have suggested such a request. And now these

 

thoughts and his reluctance to support his friend without Maria accompanying

 

him, consumed Louis in a guilt that scarred him with a chalice of betrayal.

 

He swallowed the remainder of wine that lurked in his glass, under the

 

         circumstances getting drunk seemed an appealing prospect.    

      

Long silences punctuated the remaining fragments of their conversation and a

 

sullen air hung over them to the detriment of their meal, which they both left

 

uneaten. Anna would now be back from Athens, Louis thought, her plane

 

arriving that evening. Their week alone, in the intimate space that was Louis

 

room had come to an end, Like the inevitability of a sun set. Its culmination

 

now seemed flat, subdued by the act of answering a telephone call that left

 

questions unanswered.  How tonight could have been different, he told himself,

 

frowning at the unwelcome predicament they were both faced with.

 

After their meal they drank in a few bars and it was not long before their

 

appetite for alcohol deserted them. Eventually, Louis walked Maria home,

 

stopping a short distance from the house. They both hesitated and when their

 

eyes finally met, Louis leaned towards her and kissed her gently, tasting the

 

          scent of wine on her breath.

 

“This doesn’t change anything” he sighed.
 

“It already has Louis” she paused, as a heaviness filled her chest, like the

 

turning on of a tap. Louis sensed a tightening in her voice. “But we are strong

 

enough to work through this….Id better go now”

 

She freed herself from his embrace and turned to walk away. Desperately, Louis

 

reached out and grasped her arm. She turned her head towards him.

 

This is where I belong Maria, I’ve never been so sure or felt so strongly about

 

my feelings. I want to be with you and share my life with you” His voice

 

strained, aching with tiredness.

 

           “You are needed by your friend, we cannot change that”

 

She released her arm from his touch and walked towards the house, her head

 

bent forwards. Louis sensed that she was crying and a sick sensation knotted in

 

his stomach. His eyes would not detach themselves from the figure of Maria and

 

even as she entered the house without turning to face him, he stared at the

 

closed door. The temptation to run towards the door intensified as each anxious

 

moment slipped passed. This is not right, an angry voice, laced with frustration,

 

reverberated in his head. He knew that she would not emerge from the door and

 

it’s stubborn stillness portrayed an air of finality around it’s frame.

 

Reluctantly he took a taxi to Argassi. Under normal circumstances, the sight of

 

a full moon, hanging in a black satin sky, like an aluminous bulb, cascading

 

silver light onto a contented sea would have been a spectacle that he would have

 

found irresistible to wonder at. However, on this occasion, Louis hardly noticed

 

the triangle of shimmering light that soaked the water. Instead he recycled the


 
turmoil of recent events and uneasily pondered with anxiety the uncertainty that

 

lay before him.
 

Argassi greeted him with the bombastic ambience of a resort in the full flow of

 

the tourist season. He stumbled into a bar and jostled for space, ordering a drink

 

above the crashing sound of a pulsating bass drum. When his drink arrived, he
 

 
swallowed the contents of the bottle, as if curing a ravishing thirst. He moved

 

from bar to bar in similar fashion, not stopping long enough to warm a seat but

 

         draining the beer from each bottle with long siphoning swallows.

 

Gusts of anxiety blew through him incessantly. Eventually he staggered out onto

 

         the dusty street. The lights of resteraunts and bars seemed to posses a life of

 

their own, as they danced erratically before his bleary eyes.

 

The inextricable dulling of his senses was at an advanced stage as he passed the

 

pregnant street vender, who had sold him the  band. She looked up at

 

him from her stool. A bulb from a solitary lamp splayed a soft light over her

 

goods which lay in uncluttered rows on a small wooden table that would be

 

folded in half at the end of the night. She smiled as Louis passed and then her

 

eyes clouded with concern at his intemperate appearance. She continued to

 

watch his progress, as he inevitably stumbled into a group of boisterous and

 

inebriated young women. She impulsively raised a hand to her mouth, and

 

inside her, the movement of her unborn child, protected in it’s safe environment   

 

caused a surge of panic  for the safety of the pleasant mannered man who had

 

once bought a bracelet from her stall.

 

As Louis finally approached the  track that led to Annas house, he found that he

 

had to increasingly rely  on the light of the moon. A thin covering of cloud,

 

periodically smudged the moonlight and with the absence of electric light he

 

was forced to negotiate his way through a wall of thick blackness with  the

 

assiduous pulse of a cricket as  his only companion.

 

The house was devoid of light, shrouded in a slumbering darkness. Anna would

 

be asleep, he told himself. He walked towards the whitewashed block of small

 

apartments that he now called home recalling the night with Maria, and their

 

unsuccessful attempt to evade the attentions of Anna and with this recollection

 

he encountered a profound ache that bored into him with all the force of a

 

powerful pneumatic drill.

 

               

He could hear the wind rise, like an approaching train. The trees rustled in whispers

 

moving majestically as he watched the leaves dance against the black vale of the night

 

sky. Dark stains coated the ground, slowly at first, forming patches that appeared 

 

more frequently, indiscriminately and without prejudice upon where they landed. The

 

rain came in heavy sheets, falling at an angle, it created its own rhythm, the sound

 

rising in the air, until it crashed all around, vibrating , like a waterfall.

 

It was the first time it had rained since he had arrived in Greece. He stood at the edge

 

of the balcony. Resting his hands on the peeling white paint he raised his head. The

 

droplets of moisture fell onto his face, feeling cool across his skin. Rivulets of rain

 

trickled down his forehead spreading across his cheeks, small rivers traversing their

 

path along his skin, like roads on an atlas. The water tickled his scalp, he opened his

 

mouth, allowing the droplets to stroke his tongue, refreshing him, like the soothing

 

touch of a masseurs hand. He felt as if the rain had baptised him in a new faith, as a

 

renewed source of optimism wrapped it’s arms around him. It felt rejuvenating and he

 

was inspired with this new found strength of confidence for he told himself that he

 

would persuade Maria to accompany him to Scotland. She will come with me he

 

convinced himself.

 

Chapters

28

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Diwrite wrote 248 days ago

The premise of this story is really interesting, and seems to have everything - unrequited love, death and ultimately rebirth. And you can't go wrong with a sunshine island either!

Although the story seems to have plenty of pace, I stumbled a bit over the writing. I think you may have fallen into the trap of overwriting. We've all done it, and it just takes a critical eye on your own work to see it.

For example, you may want to trim down the similes. Less is definitely more with these (and metaphors), and they're far more effective when the reader can relate to them - rather than trying to figure them out.
The froth camping on the businessman's nose is lovely because I can see it straight away.
However, I'm not sure a bad decision can infest someone with pangs of regret like a spreading rash. Instead, how about 'He regretted his dubious decision not to hail one of the taxis that ubiquitously patrolled the Edinburgh streets.' As a reader, it lets me follow the story without your literary style being lost.

It's also worth looking at your tenses and sentence structure.
'Several years later and living in Edinburgh, he discovers that Emma is having an affair and becomes pregnant' should read 'and has become pregnant' (you don't want to suggest that Louis has become pregnant!).
Try reading your work aloud and punctuate according to your pauses. So for example:
'On the eve of his departure Emma is murdered by her lover, unaware, Louis begins his journey' becomes
'... murdered by her lover. Unaware, Louis begins is journey.'

Apologies if this seems unduly harsh, but I think you have a good story here. Simplifying your writing will let readers get caught up in it without stumbling over the words.

I hope this helps - if not, feel free to ignore it!

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Shelby Z. wrote 250 days ago

The Homecoming by Dougie McHale
Well portrayed descriptions. The reader can nearly feel the cold and desperation.
Your writing flows as does your plot. You unfold things very well as the situations come to light.
The story has an easy pace.
Also the pitch is very well created.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Su Dan wrote 471 days ago

good flowing story- your competent writing skills with effective and descriptive narrative...
good enough to back///
read SEASONS...

Kitchenwych wrote 511 days ago

Agree with previous comment that the double spacing is distracting. Also you use apostrophe in 'it's' erroneously - 'it's' = 'it is' 'its', without apostrophe is the possessive pronoun.

kiwigirl2011 wrote 549 days ago

Hi Dougie
The double spacing is a little distracting.
There is a 3 instead of an ‘s’ in the word ‘crisp’, and then again in the word ‘his’
I think you move forward in time a week after Louis discovers her in bed with someone else, but it’s difficult to realise at first because it follows on immediately. Perhaps some kind of break, like this:

---

And then carry on writing?
He had drunk his fill of it’s unpalatable nature and… should be ‘its’
I love your pitch. It promises a fantastic tale, offering everything I love to read! But the way it is formatted is distracting to me. Please if you upload it again without the double spacing let me know.
I find your writing beautifully descriptive. I enjoy writing that paints a picture in my mind as I read and you do that very well.
5 stars :-)
Tammy Robinson

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