Beyond Deer Trail

Ruby, if I could wave a magic wand, I would make you more confident about your ability as a writer. Beyond Deer Trail evokes time and place, and a living, breathing main character with such apparent ease that I could see it all clearly.

Full of insight and honest observation, it is a book driven by love, and based on faith. But, as a person with no religious faith (other than the belief that Jesus was a good person, who gave the world a code of behaviour that has served us well for 2,000 years), I never once got the feeling during my reading of BDT that you were trying to hammer home the Christian message. Instead, by simple analogies, you showed what underpins it by Job Weather's example.

Some of your phrasing is exquisite -- "The smell of whisky clung to Namby like an insecure lover", and : "Teardrops travelled silently down the familiar path, softly dotting her daffodil blouse" -- a description as restrained as Nellie's attempt to hide her heartbreak.

Of course, there will be many Christian analogies in the book that I will not recognise, and no doubt if I did it would enrich my pleasure of the reading even more. But it also stands perfectly well on secular feet, as a well-crafted story, beautifully written. Backed with pleasure.

Overall comments:
1. Ruby, this is not my type of book, but I appreciated the 5 chapters I read. Good mixture of religious questions with (signs of) love story.
2. Very well-written, with remarkably few typos.
3. Overall 5 stars. Further comments below.

Keiran

Chap 1:
General Comments:
1. Shouldn't the title be "Beyond The Deer Trail"? I didn't get far enough in to get the significance.
2. The one midwife I have known was quite blasé about deformed babies - she had seen so many of them.
3. Overdoing the emotion. James was a man wasn't he? British men would be ashamed of showing such weakness.
4. What was his "trail of tragedy"? We hear of 1 still-born child, then the happy birth of 2 normal children. Why is J. sad and called "a Job"?
Detailed Comments:
1. Dashes normally have gaps before and after; this - sort - of thing.
2. "He was so lost in worries..": "three" and "thirty" are the wrong was round.
3. "deep into his soul". Pure women's writing! Avoid "deep" if possible.

Chap 2:
General Comments:
1. Could his father get away with ill-treating Randall this way? How long had it been going on for? Had no-one at school noticed?
2. The subtitle is "Randall" the name of a man. The subtitle on chapter 1 was a place name. You should be consistent in subtitles. (my view).
3. If it was a girl, who was snorting? Could he hear the horse? Why did he not recognise a horse's noise? OK i see from chap 3 that it was the horse, but why did he not know a horse's noise. Also how far from the barn were they?
Detailed Comments:
1. "But it was money..." remove , after "get".
2. "one way" -> "one-way".
3. "his father fumed" gap before "his"

Chap 3:
General Comments:
1. Whose barn is it? I assumed it was Randall's father's. In which case the first thing Randall would say on seeing a horse is "What is that doing here"? OK looking back I see it was a "deserted barn", but I still think he would have asked where the horse came from.
Detailed Comments:
1. What is a painted horse? I am English: we have piebald and skewbald.
2. I wasn't clear who said "Oh, hey, Hepp" and to whom. We have had only one reference that Randall's name being Hepp, and I had forgotten. I would add "Jake said to Randall".


Chap 4:
General Comments:
1. The horse and donkey should at least say hello to each other.
Detailed Comments:
(none)

Chap 5:
General Comments:
1. I found the jumping about in years at the start of the chapter a bit confusing, and had to check back to see where I was.
2. Also at the bottom of the chapter I could not see where we quit the flashback and came into the present (1991). Can you make it clearer?
3. Good powerful drama in this chapter.
Detailed Comments:
1. Holy water -> holy water. Hymn -> hymn

The first chapter certainly grabs the reader. I had to find out what happened with the second pregnancy. I kept wondering who Randall was in the 2nd one. Then he met the daughter and things cleared up. You've hooked me with mention of the accident. I have to know what that's about. Good plotting.
Lots of great descriptive terms for the characters' emotions. I feel I know them.
I've given you high stars and put you on my watch list to add to my shelf as soon as I can make room.
I write about teens too. Mine are experiencing a great deal of teen angst while climbing Everest.
Everest Whispers.

A well written and un-put-downable first chapter. I found myself willing the babies to be alive and well and was as happy as James when you described their cries. Excellently achieved - moving and restrained. I have put it on my watchlist and will come back for more later. I've given you lots of stars in the meanwhile because I think this is very, very good.
I hope you will find time to look at mine.
C J Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

Hi Ruby,

What a brilliant and skillful piece of writing 'Beyond Deer Trail' makes.

I was hooked straight away by the people of the town referring to James Weathers as a modern day Job.

The fact that the midwife and the undertaker refused to talk about what deformity James's wife, Nellie, had delivered made it a real page-turner.

I really felt for James when he arrived in the hospital to go and see his wife's delivery of twins. I was relieved it ended with the birth of live twins.

Chapter two began well with 18 year old Randall's brutal treatment he receives from his father, and him desperate to leave home. I liked the way you linked him up with James, now a religious fanatic, by him being attracted to his daughter, Christine.

The mention of a tragic accident to Christine's twin brother, adds to the suspense.

Well done, high stars and definitely backed.

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)
(From a Prince to a Pauer)

Beyond Deer Trail. Ch 1 to 10.

Right up my ally this story. Brilliant. Intended to read two or three chapters and comment Here I am at chapter 10, running late but still wanting more. Excellent writing, characters, dialogue. Just two observations:

I struggled with chapter 5 and the time switches. It starts by going back from the previous chapter to 1991, then goes back a few more years, then back to when James was 8. His recollecting then moves forward to when he was baptized, then on to when Nellie gave birth to their dead son. Then we move forward four months and finally return to 1991. There's nothing wrong with the writing, the characters, the story - just the repeated switching of timeframes. Maybe it's me and, I have to say, it didn't for one second make me want to stop reading.

In chapter 8 Christine's pony starts off as 'Ginger' and then becomes 'Gretchen' . Unclear if this is an error or has she had two ponies?

Minor points in what for me is an excellent read and a book I would buy right now if available. 6 stars and onto watchlist. Maybe a week or two before I can back as I have other promises to keep. Janet

Janet/Helen
The Stranger In My Life

A very good read Ruby. Yes I agree with the comments, you have taken your characters to the limits and spat them out. I am impressed with the quality of this writing and just know this is going to do well. Brill story and premise. Cracking narrative and cool pace to it. Loved it and well done. I will score high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you??
Many thanks. Sean

Liked it very much...

I read all you have up of this, and I hope you put up more to read. Very moving! I am really worried about these people now. You certainly took that advice about putting your characters through the wringer!

I have a few minor things I'll message you about later.

Beyond Deer Trail.
By Ruby J. Taylor.


First of all, you have an excellent small pitch which draws the reader on to the long pitch...Short but to the point It does it's job.
Then we are drawn into reading the book because we like what we see...Well done, your more than half way to selling the book.
Chapter one is enough to hook the reader, the mystery of Job’s first still-born child, why the secrecy by Sturmond the undertaker who was aware of the facts?..We need to know...we read on!
You have good description as you portray the anxiety of Job as he visits his wife giving birth to twins this time. He’s late of course, part of him not wanting to go slows him down.
He’s chided by the look of his mother-in -law’s face. I like how he looks back at her, feeling she’s right all the same.
Lovely ending to the first chapter as Job falls to his knees and thanks God for two healthy children and a safe birth for his wife, Nellie.
An emotional read for me so far, but I am keen to read on as soon as I can. I'm sure that there’s a lot more to this story than what I’ve touched on so far. A really good first chapter, very well written.
I’ve given your book full stars and will shelve it on the next read...I’m sure of that!

Kind regards,

Neville. ‘One Off, Sir’

Ruby, I read five chapters and will come back and read more. Your characters were so well-rounded that they felt like people I'd already met and known for a long time. I did get a bit watery-eyed at the end of the opening chapter - a good response! The building tension, also, when James went into the birthing room was very well written, my stomach was in a knot. Nothing much to whinge about, but Randall eyeing Chrissy's long tan legs, and in the next paragraph, she's wearing jeans. That was all I noticed in 5 chapters, so well done. All in all, a fantastic book so far, and one I could read to the end. Good job. Max stars, and on my WL for further reading.
Jane x

This really is literary fiction, beautifully written and very emotive. I think you tease out the tension very skilfully, telling the reader that James is known as Job and slowly revealing the still born baby and the death of his son. There are some very telling phrases, the umbilical cord being cut, for example. It is impossible not to feel deeply involved with James and Nellie and with Randall (and poor old Clyde).
Only one query. How old is Ben at the time of the accident. You mention the teenager who has taken away James little boy, so I assumed he was teenage but then he has a small hand and isn't allowed near the river which suggests a younger child - even taking into account the anxieties of a parent who has lost a child.
Hope that is useful.
It's a lovely book. Staying on my watchlist and I hope to read on. Not easy on the computer though, I find.
Six stars of course.

Ruby
This is a very good read, well written, drawing you in and exciting. The urge to find out more about that first baby certainly would spur the reader on, and I like the jump to 1995. I'm not going to pretend I will read on I Just don't have time!!! But I've made a pact with myself to read every one's first chapter that comes my way. So good luck, I think you really do have something here Ruby, beautifully written.
Best wishes Janey (Dolly Bottom)

Ruby:
I finished reading everything you have uploaded days ago. I really enjoyed this read. The chapter where he goes down to the creek and kills that snake was very strong. It is easy to see how much character you have in James, very strong indeed. I just wanted you to know I have read all of it. If I had one suggestion in chapter eighteen, you bring in two townspeople, John and Carol and how James has affected their lives with his display of strength. (the nurse/cleaning person and John's wayward wife) That's the only place I see that and it's a little awkward. Maybe more of that here and there. Just a suggestion.
ShirleyGrace

Ruby

I decided to take a look at this after seeing Richard's thread.
I found the first chapter totally engaging and the 'voice' which tells the story has a real old-fashioned storyteller feel to it.
I thought you said so much about James in the phrase 'not the magnitude of the losses ... but rather the old man's response to it'.
This has a strong sense of time and place and your characters are well-drawn.
I like the gentleness in the relationship between James and Nellie.

A sudden change in chapter two with Randall.
He certainly had my sympathies well before the end of the chapter. The scenes depicting his father's bullying behaviour were well written.
I found the fact that Randall finds solace up in the hayloft watching for the first stars very emotive. I like the references to the natural world with the forest, the flowers, the animals and the night sky.
Then we meet James' daughter, Christine who shows Randall to safety. We learn a little of her backstory, mentioning her brother and her mother. It is not clear what has happened to them - a great pull to read on.

'Twilight had eased into darkness ... ' beautifully written.

I have enjoyed reading these first few chapters, Ruby. Your characters and their surroundings are well described and there is a strong sense of community in this.

High stars and wishing you all the very best.
Debbie
'Speedy McCready'

Ruby

I absolutely love your opening sequence. The way you manage to sketch out a whole community, and James' place in it, is masterful. It reminds me a lot of Stephen Kings best character passages. It really is acracking start.

In fact, I like that tone so much, I'd have liked to see it continue throughout chapter 1. When we join James on his journey to the hospital and our focus shifts down, I kind of missed the 'town consciousness' angle. I understand why you wrote it that way, but I wonder if you could still have the town looking over his shoulder somewhere. It really is such a strong device.

Marnie

I had to stop on by once Richard posted his recommendation in the forums. I haven't visited James Weathers in an awfully long time, and am impressed with this latest version. I feel much more a part of the action whereas before I felt like an observer. Seeing so much from Randall's point of view is a great idea.

I've finished four chapters now and will keep reading. If I get any great crit ideas I'll edit this comment.

Later--I got a great crit idea. You need to do a little more PR in the forums. This is good.

~AudreyB

Ruby:
I know I read this many months ago when I first joined, yet I could not find a comment. I either neglected to post it or it was erased. When I read the first chapter, it felt almost like a "legend" in the telling. I like the down home feeling to this story and I didn't see errors. I like your descriptions throughout the story and they are spot-on. Your touching in on the bitterness felt by James at the loss of the baby and how it had nearly destroyed his faith in God is touching. (chapter five) I enjoyed the read and wonder at the fact that it is not on many more shelves than it is. Soon to back
Shirley

Ruby, if I could wave a magic wand, I would make you more confident about your ability as a writer. Beyond Deer Trail evokes time and place, and a living, breathing main character with such apparent ease that I could see it all clearly.

Full of insight and honest observation, it is a book driven by love, and based on faith. But, as a person with no religious faith (other than the belief that Jesus was a good person, who gave the world a code of behaviour that has served us well for 2,000 years), I never once got the feeling during my reading of BDT that you were trying to hammer home the Christian message. Instead, by simple analogies, you showed what underpins it by Job Weather's example.

Some of your phrasing is exquisite -- "The smell of whisky clung to Namby like an insecure lover", and : "Teardrops travelled silently down the familiar path, softly dotting her daffodil blouse" -- a description as restrained as Nellie's attempt to hide her heartbreak.

Of course, there will be many Christian analogies in the book that I will not recognise, and no doubt if I did it would enrich my pleasure of the reading even more. But it also stands perfectly well on secular feet, as a well-crafted story, beautifully written. Backed with pleasure.

Hello Ruby...this is my CCRG review.

First, I read all 27 chapters (wish I could read more). This is a brilliant story. Beyond Deer Trail is an apt and insightful title. A deeper meaning to life indeed lies beyond deer trail. I don't know if the dog in the avi is Max or Scout, but either one would do well.

Job Weathers gets up each time and brushes himself off, as the events of life continue to knock him down. He displays courage, the will to not give up and quit over difficult circumstances, and a resilient faith that produces a man having the best qualities of human kindness and generosity towards others. Chapter 18 is wonderful about the lighted cross on the hill inspiring the woman working in the hospital to persevere, and reminding the man about to take his own life to rethink the value of this gift of life that we have, even when it gets unbearably hard.

This made me think about the life of Jesus. He did not just leave us with some good rules to live by. He was not just a charismatic speaker. Our salvation comes through the pain of the cross. I don't know how the story resolves, and judging by your penetrating insight you probably cover this well. But I sense you are close to something very special in this book. Is the very thing that produces the character we admire in Job Weathers, purchased through incredible tragedies and heartbreaks in life, the answer to the question why there is suffering in the world? The very thing that people choke on and stumble so badly over in Christianity...of a God who allows suffering...may actually be the very thing...getting up and carrying on, not quitting, finding solace in a God who went there ahead of us in this place of sorrow...that produces the high level of character we admire and respect. Does being "in Christ" in the midst of life's challenges effect the positive transformation in us that leads to determination and resiliency rather than despair and defeat?

Conventional wisdom says to stay away from adversity as far as possible, yet in this book it would appear that adversity has crafted Job Weathers into an exceptionally fine person. You have a wonderful story structure to work with, and some very true-to-life characters. If you can integrate this big-picture idea of God using suffering to actually create admirable character within us that is meaningful "beyond deer trail," this would make for a great ending to the tale...but I already suspect this story does end in an insightfully brilliant way. Beyond Deer Trail paints through narrative story a theme in life that only the Creator of this world, and of each of us, could infuse with purpose and meaning.

This book should be in the low double digits on its way to reaching the Editor's Desk. I hope more people read it.

Apart from bookshelves, watchlists, and comments, at least for this reader on this particular day, your book touched me deeply. God bless you. Bart Jahn

Hi Ruby...I have read the first 7 chapters of Beyond Deer Trail. The story is well-crafted and the characters are very real. This is developing into a beautiful and touching story. Your insights into life, people, and faith are clear, honest, and have the potential for a heart-warming yet life-instructive resolution. You are a talented writer. I am looking forward to reading more. Will write a CCRG critique when I get farther into the book. On my watchlist for now with 6 stars. God bless you. Bart Jahn

Hi Ruby,

I've finished your book. I thought the plot was exquisite, and I'm sad that I have to stop!

Ame

Ruby, I came back to read a little more. I like the new title and am glad to see that your book is doing well. It looks like you've added some more chapters. You're definitely a talented author! :)
~Hannah

Dear Ruby,
I read 1-10

I loved reading this. The story is very close to home and there were a couple of tears in recognition, but I enjoyed the sensitivity with which you have captured the thoughts and feelings of your characters. The writing flows really well, and I'm deeply impressed with how you have handled the plot as this is a delicate subject on so many levels - bereavement, abuse, loss and the struggle to keep the faith, are all mingled to present us with the painful reality: Life can be rough and unforgiving. Yet, 'My yoke is easy' . . . and James is a strong and admirable man who will not succumb.

I enjoyed this picture of life in a rural community with its own rules and demands. The funeral scene was brilliant in execution, with the father's senses so raw and the crowd sweating and eyeing up the happenings. You have woven a lot of nature into your story and the descriptions of the horses, ponies and the donkey are endearing while adding to the country flavour.

There is a quiet elegance about your prose which makes me want to continue as the language is polished and colourful. I'm looking forward to reading more. I must admit that I'm hoping for Randall and Christine to get together despite a mountain of obstacles and difficulties. As this story has been carefully edited and is very polished I feel there is little to suggest, and I shall message you about a couple of minor typos.

Backed.

Ame

It's nice to read a book by someone who knows how to write. This is not your first book. The plot is good. The narrative flows well and is believable and the dialogue is perfect. I'm giving you five stars.

Ruby, This is a great read and you are a natural story teller. I see no areas that need correcting. You are able to build tension and have created a page turner.
Blessings Roslyn
"I Am" Through the Ages

Hello Ruby,

I really love your characterization in this story. I certainly sympathized with James and really felt the tension in the lead up to the birth. I had a close read of the first 5 chapters and skim read the rest (due to time constraints), but can see you have a good sense of plot, so this novel seems to be shaping up really well. My only nit picks are really minor polishing issues regarding tightening up the prose. Firstly I think the prose relies on way too many unnecessary adverbs when in some cases they are either not necessary or perhaps a couple of words of action might work better. eg, "She would just shake her head sadly and purse her lips tightly together, as though a ghost laced them neatly shut with a needle and thread". Consider keeping "sadly" and omitting "tightly together" as this adds nothing new to the words "pursed her lips" as the act of pursing one's lips already suggests tightness, and then maybe omit the word "neatly" as the image is no better or worse without it. Similarly in the sentence that ends, "embarrassed to find himself sobbing uncontrollably" consider deleting uncontrollably, then following with a short sentence showing that he can't stop. That way you are showing us the lack of control instead of telling us, and this gives me as a reader a greater emotional impact.

As I said, my nitpicks are totally minor. I enjoyed reading this and although you said you weren't interested in the bookshelf thingy, I'm putting your book on mine for the time being because I think it deserves to be there and I've just started contributing to authonomy and as far as I can see this is how this whole rating system is supposed to work. ;)

bests,
Carol
"Heart Fire"

Hi Ruby - the title, pitch and cover for this story all seem so different. It wasn't until I got further in and saw mention of the cross that I connected this to the story you joined Autho with.

From the four chapters I've read, I think you have that same cross-over skill that Audrey shows in Forgiveness Fits. This is a book that anyone could pick up, not just someone of the Christian faith or with strong beliefs.

I had huge sympathy for James in chapter one and was so relieved when he realised the twins had arrived. When I got to chapter two and you skipped forward seventeen years I had a time of dread where I wondered if Randall was the male twin. I was starting to think something horrendous must have happened to James, twisting him into a different character.

The relationship between Randall and his abuser seemed well portrayed and Randall running to the barn, to sleep and seek refuge in the hay had a sanctuary resonance to it.

Your descriptions of the ponies and the barn were convincing and evocative.

This feels like a story that will contain a lot of emotional pain. It's clear from these few chapters that James has had his faith tested and has tried to find a way to hold onto it. In chapter five, I could see how someone who had faith could accept how James falls to his knees in the barn, rediscovering his belief and connection. For those who aren't strong in faith perhaps more exploration of what brings that change in James would help them finder greater connection with his change of heart.

I hope there'll be a lot more about Randall in the story and wonder if James and Christine will help him escape his father, revealing what he's really like. Will we find out what causes his anger? At this stage I'm also still hooked in by wanting to find out what happened to Ben and Nellie.

I know you said you are no longer seeking backers but I wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your writing in the chapters I'd read.

Ruby...You drew me in with your first line, actually...and the rest of the first chapter alone, has me in for the duration. You have gifted me with your imagination as well as your ability to paint visuals that tug at my heartstrings. I have rated you as high as the stars allow and will be back to complete reading this weekend. Thank you for sharing this...
God bless...
Linda

Beyond Deer Trail can be read as a engagingly rural story of human tribulation, or a kind of allegorical morality tale, or both. There is an underlying theme of forbearance, which is immediately attractive in a modern world where quiet stoicism is often overshadowed by popular psycho-babble and emotional public outpourings. The chief protagonist, James, the modern-day Job, invests the whole story with a slightly other-worldly quality, of serenity in the face of appalling tragedies and simple bad luck. In this respect, Job is an accurate analogy. I would quite like the Job parallel (or parable) to be taken literally; so I'd like something bad to happen to some livestock, assuming that a restorative Job-like ending is allowed in mitigation! Perhaps it does already, but I'm only up to 'avenging the snake' so far (no plot spoilers here!)... It is an endearing quality of the book that the author seems to have more trouble writing the unpleasant characters than the essentially good ones, and I personally would like that quirk to be left 'unimproved'.

For my money, the landscape and the animals, particularly the horse and donkey, are introduced quite late in the day. Although we do have a hint in the phrase 'small mountain town', the traditional quiet dignity of country people is important to the theme, so I'd like to be given some bearings within the physical lie of the land in slightly more detail, and sooner. Perhaps the empty barn could be briefly described earlier, almost as a character itself, and then be given its role as a refuge with us already in sympathy with it, so it already feels familiar to the reader as a refuge too (I still have enormous affection for the barns and stables I appropriated as 'mine' as a child, so perhaps the reader could be given that proprietorial sense of vicarious ownership). Similarly, I find the docile donkey hugely symbolic, as a parallel Job (as all donkeys are), so perhaps we could visit the stable earlier too, when only the horse and donkey are there, so that we later see the slightly fraught arrival of two people a bit more from the animals' point of view.

Two small ideas to emphasise the nobility of James also occurred to me. Firstly, could he perhaps be held up on his way to the hospital by something deeply unfair, such as the car in front of him hitting a dog, and James almost being punished for being kind, stopping to help, etc? (This happened to me!). Secondly, could he go out looking for the snake, with his weapon at the ready, all as described, and then find it, and set about it as he does, but then be overhwhelmed with a sense of the snake's essential innocence in all this, and give it last minute reprieve? It was only doing what it needed to do as a snake, with no capability for malice aforethought, etc. James would not seem wet; he'd still be human in seeking it out for a bashing, but he might seem more 'Job-like' if he let it go. (This weekend I have rehomed one friend's black lab with another friend, whose own black lab died this summer from an adder bite; yet the adder can hardly be blamed). Revenge is rarely attractive, however justified, so it lost James some of my sympathy, even though (being a country person) I have no problem with him killing an animal in principle, shooting a deer for food etc. I noticed quite a few nits, but they are not today's matter of interest as there is plenty of time to edit them out later. I also think that there could be some cutting of one or two seemingly unnecessary paragraphs in favour of a few more character-sketching ideas. I'd like to read more of this when I have more time...

I have only read 10 chapters but I can see you have such passion in your writing. You write well will great imagination.
Cant wait to read more.

Hi Ruby,
I read the SP, LP and opening chapter.

In LP, make it James Weathers’ reaction by adding apostrophe.
The writing and story are powerful. Not my kind of fiction, but still extremely impressive.
Love the “There was not even a glimmer of hope in his step” paragraph. Very poignant. I can relate.
End of first chapter made me cry. Very moving. Highly starred.

Great luck with this, Ruby,

Dean

Ruby, I've read the whole portion of your book that's posted here. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but I had to know what happened next...and now there's no more left to read. You're an excellent storyteller, and I certainly hope the story comes out right in the end. There's no way I'd be able to write something like this; I always have a hard time "killing off" characters I like. What a tragedy for a good man to live through!
I hope this book does very well!
~Hannah

HI, enjoying the first couple of your chapters! Love some of your very evocative phrasing, i.e. ..."as if all the joy he had been allotted in this lifetime had been sucked out of him...". Excellent so far. I would be grateful if you could glance at my book "The Word According to Dog" when you have a moment! Many thanks,
Anya Maisey
The Word According to Dog

Ruby,

Love the fiaht theme. Will place on my watchlist to read.

I wonder if you have time to read Peppermint and give me some feedback.

Many thanks

Keith
Peppermint

I just finished reading all your chapters and found that this was a very well-written story, with very few errors. I was having a difficult time following the first couple pages, but after that I couldn't quit reading until the end. This book touched on so many different human tragedies, with the subjects of grief, abuse at the hands of a parent, and a teen pregnancy. I loved the idea of the cross on the hill standing for James trust in God in painful circumstances, and how it helped others in town to deal with their own problems. Very well thought out, and a great read. I'd like to see how it ends. I give you high stars for this!

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Chapter 1: shouldnt it be - 'A modern day Job..... that's what the townspeople called him' otherwise it's a contradiction between the narrator telling us what he was, and the townspeople not daring to tell him that's what they thought he was. Too confusing for your opening line!
'all too well' not 'to well'
Chapter 2 - this is a small town, surely, where everyone knows everyone? How come Randall and Christine have never met before, when he knows the story of her family tragedy? And having introduced Randall, why does he pretty well drop out of the story for the next ten chapters? He needs to be developing!
Chapter 4 'He spoke in a voice that was weak, and somehow strong' this doesnt help me at all. It's like much of your characterisation; I can't get a handle on people, their motivations, their psychology - and I think one of the reasons for this is the lack of a narrative drive strongly connected to your characters and their choices. Your events often happen randomly, but there is no sense of build, no sense of community or character being formed by external events. I'm struggling to even get a sense of the continuity, with the time jumps; I can't imagine what how different the town might have looked in 1978 and in 1995. Geography is important here, history too - but the sense of humanity has to be urgent, gripping and dramatic. I am trying to care about these characters, but at the moment, it's difficult to feel anything for them.
Chapter 12: I'm calling a halt here. I feel this needs a lot of work, Ruby. You need to plot much more tightly, prune away excess adjectives, make your dialogue work harder, fine tune your characters and their relationships, and make us guess more about what is going to happen. At the moment, your story is trotting along in a predictable way; even the awful events are not to me unexpected enough. I need more of a jolt. I hope these comments are helpful - and look at making the style less literary and more popular fiction. I feel it would work better that way for pace and action.

I read three chapters so far and part of RJ Blain's critique, too, mostly because I've asked her to critique my book as well and I was wondering what I'm in for!

I think I don't find all the things she points out as concerning as she does, but I do agree that in the first chapter especially, there's a lot of "telling and not showing." I noticed this because I struggle to "show, not tell" in my own writing.

I also feel like, in general, you use quite a few cliches--the golden-haired girl with the "penetrating violet eyes" comes to mind. Not that there are such people (although I have never seen violet eyes)--I just think one has to be careful with cliches and archetypes in order to keep them fresh.

I've certainly started to "get into" the story, however. I'm also kind of a fan of the giant cross on the hill that everybody knows about. Not because I'm necessarily a fan of such displays, though I am a Christian, but because it's a little quirky and funny but also potentially rich with meaning. I'll keep reading to find out what it means . . . Also, I genuinely feel sorry for Randall so far, and empathy for characters is a great thing.

This is a Brutal and Scathing Critique as Requested.

Short Pitch Commentary:

It didn’t work for me. Tragedy isn’t something capable of targeting. This use of language just didn’t go over as well for me as it could. Perhaps, as a suggestion: James Weathers’ reaction to tragedy entangles his community, including Randall Hepp, a troubled teen with nothing to lose.

Even this rendition I’m not as fond of, because at this point, I have no idea why I should care about James OR Randall. Looking a little further ahead at your long pitch, perhaps you may consider…

When tragedy challenges James’s trust in God, his new relationship with the rebellious Randall Hepp may redeem or condemn him.

Long Pitch Commentary:

My problem with this is that while you discuss some of the themes, what the story *actually* about isn’t really hinted at here. You mention there is a tragedy, but there is no sign of whether it is personal, emotional, physical… there is nothing to ground what type of tragedy it is. You have characters, but the hints at the most important ‘why’ of James’ downfall don’t seem to be present.

In short, I feel like I’m expected to care about James’s problem because James is there. Since I have no idea what his worst nightmare is, it feels clichéd. Just something to consider.

I really don’t think that the author’s note is necessary. The long pitch makes it rather clear it is a Christian-themed book. Came across as a little looking-down-the-nose.

Chapter One:

I am going to be particularly harsh about the opening, since it is my first exposure to your writing. The first thing that caught my eye, even before I read the first line, was that there was an ellipse right away. I actually flinched. I hate the things. They’re often abused, and now I’m trained to cringe when I see one.

Why is this ellipse necessary? Does the humble, perfectly usable, and fits in quite well ‘period’ unsuitable for a specific reason?

1st paragraph: Rather strong. However, I question the use of the –em dash here. I think it would flow better if you went with Weathers, but never to his face. My problem with this paragraph, however well-written it is, is that it is all telling and exposition. You may also consider cutting out the first use of James Weathers, and letting the “James “Job” Weathers” later in the paragraph do its work.

Before I poke at the specifics of the story, I’m going to stop to make some comments about your writing style and general presentation up to the point where the scene shifts to Nellie’s second pregnancy.

For the most part, you use language very well. However, this entire section is nothing but passive exposition. This is a really dangerous path to walk, in my opinion. You have skills in writing – while there were things that I thought could use polish and improvement, there wasn’t a lot of instances where I stopped and considered the grammar instead of the story.

However, this opening just isn’t working for me. Sure, you’re starting with the tragedy of a deformed baby, but you aren’t providing a hook. You’re relying on exposition and passive past to tell us of your characters rather than show them to us.

I think that you could almost cut the entire section about the first pregnancy and move right into the more active sections where Nellie is in labor with the set of twins. However, what I would consider doing is having James late for a reason, downed tree in the road, or something that would make him late after getting the car, and *show* us all of his problems, his misgivings, and his fears while unable to get to the delivery on time. I think this would make him a lot more sympathetic than he is now.

While I understand how you’re trying to impart his personality through the exposition, I think it would be a lot more beneficial to the story if you took the higher risk and made the first chapter more active. Give us a conflict (getting to the hospital) give us tension (his self-acknowledgement that he thought it was hopeless, that his babies would be dead, just like last time) and give us his regrets by showing them through his thoughts.

Show us the worry of the townsfolks, show us in their stares, and in how they look at him when he goes to see his wife at the hospital. *SHOW* it to us, don’t tell it to us, as you’re currently doing.

This has the potential to be powerful, but you rein in that power and otherwise confine it when it should be allowed to be free. It is a challenging subject, and something that should be difficult to swallow. Right now, you sugar coat it by buffering the reader in passive voice and exposition when the active voice and an open window should be used instead.

At the point where you shift the story from passive voice to active voice, things get more interesting. However, the apathy of the passive exposition carried on for me. You’ve set the scene for tragedy, that is what I’m expecting, and I’ve automatically guarded myself against this. I think that this could be a potential failing. You’ll get a lot more impact and depth into James’s character if he struggles with the hope of the twins and the reality of the first failed pregnancy.

I don’t have much in the way of grammar comments, but I do want to make a few points about my thoughts on James’s character and his reaction to the successful births. First, part of James’s reaction seems weak to me. He was ‘embarrassed to find himself sobbing uncontrollably”. There are much better ways that you could write this that show his emotions, rather than telling them to us.

You have him trying to stand (implying he isn’t standing), but him falling to his knees. This needs fixed.

The dialogue felt contrived in this part. The doctor should know of the past incident; and this super professional not-small-town behavior on the doctor’s part just didn’t ring true. I grew up not too far from there, and the doctors would have been celebrating probably just as much as the parents, especially since it’s a town where everyone knows everyone else… and is probably related to them in some fashion or another. Doctor just felt too big-city doesn’t-know-you for my liking.

The main issues I have with the first chapter are twofold. First, there wasn’t a really solid hook. By the time you get to the hooking part (the active voice), what I tend to view as the safe hook window was already gone. While the first paragraph was an interesting introduction, I really feel that it should have moved directly to the active voice, here and now, writing of the latter half of the chapter.

There is promise here, but I really feel that it was buried beneath passive voice and a lack of confidence on where the real start of this story is. I don’t think this chapter one is it, especially taking a look and seeing that the second chapter is ~20 years later.

Chapter Two:

Why is Randall grunting by shifting a car into park? This disturbs me on so many levels. I also may be a bit of a pervert. But, that said, grunting + putting a car into parks is just… not a good combination. Cut the grunting. Cut the ‘as usual’ too.

I want to go so far as to say please rewrite the entire first paragraph of this chapter. It isn’t doing anything for me. Without warning, a sudden downpour…? Ok, having come from not too far from there originally, yes, they’re sudden. But, that said, you do know it’s coming. Those cloud banks move in quick, but if you’ve grown up in that area, you can practically smell them on route. Or feel them, if you’ve broken bones. (I was in the smelling category… I also had a pretty good sixth sense for bad weather when I was young.)

This just doesn’t seem realistic. Downpour and shower are contradictory as well. I think you’ll get a lot more impact if you tighten this up a lot.

Also, I’m going to make a guess this is an older vehicle. Is he trying to flood the engine on purpose? Revving like that on an older vehicle can just make it stall altogether.

The second paragraph, I felt, had similar issues to the first.

The third was interesting. However, once again, it is both passive and exposition. I think there are much better ways to show these things. Have a fight between the son and the father. Show him sneaking about his room and putting the bills away. Put a travel brochure on his desk, hidden beneath school books or some such. There are so many ways you can SHOW us a great deal about these characters without relying on exposition to get the job done.

I think the best way to start this chapter would be just to go right to the scene where his dad hits Randall. It is more powerful. It doesn’t have the exposition or info dump. It shows a hell of a lot more about his family situation than your exposition at the start of this ever could. Don’t be afraid to jump in. Get your feet wet. Go up to your neck. Make your characters suffer. This book will be a lot more powerful with it.

Most of all, watch the telling vs showing. I think that once you conquer this and make much better use of the active voice, your book will be extremely good. Your general word choice and writing quality is just about there. I just think that the book is currently lacking the strength of immediacy and true tension and conflict. So far, all of the conflict you build is defused before we get to the conflict. Show us the conflict right from the start. Show us the character’s pain, fear, anguish, and suffering.

I’m stopping at the conflict between Randall and his father. If you decide to go back and rework this in a more active voice, I want to read this again – presented without the punches being pulled. This has the potential to be truly nerve-wracking, terrible, yet fantastic all at the same time. “Christian” shouldn’t have to mean “an easy read”, and I get the feeling that because it is a “Christian-themed book” that you’re pulling the punches intentionally to make it more politically correct.

I don’t think that is necessary.

Good luck with this, there is promise here and I want to see this come to life.

~RJ

Ruby,
Revisited your book showing the sheen of recent polish. I couldn't help but marvel once more at the immensity of James' trials and the sheer willpower it took for him to cling to his faith. Randall's own woes were of a different nature, stemming from an abusive deputy sherriff father whose aggressive policing methods finally backfired with a club-wielding assailant doing him in. Your prose shows an economy of words bringing out lean and tight scenes, dialogue unaffected and punchy. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Ruby,

As I started to read your last chapters, I realized I had already read them a while back. Yes, indeed they make chronological sense. The only thing I might suggest is to use Randall and his dad’s last name a little more often throughout the story, because I remember having to search the beginning of the book to find out who “Deputy Hepp” was.. I didn‘t realize he was a very familiar character -- Randall’s drunk dad. It’s been a long time since I’ve read the earlier chapters. Could you tell me what chapter “the accident“ that claims James‘ wife is in. I‘d like to read that too. I remember being stunned by who the driver was. J Thanks.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hi Ruby, I saw you thread in the forum so I've come over to look at your last three chapters. I think you wanted to know if they made sense chronologically speaking and certainly, what I've read has flowed really nicely and there is no problem with the ordering of the narrative.

I did notice a missing word in the sentence where he first sees the man with the baseball bat. I think there should be a 'was' after the 'stocky, red-haired man'.

I've really enjoyed what I've read and it's piqued my interest to come back and read the earlier chapters. I've highly starred what I've read.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Dear Ruby: I thoroughly enjoyed reading "Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail." You are a very good story teller and you build full bodied characters with lots of personality. Your writing is perfect and I see no reason for any corrections. I like the length of your chapters and your dialogues are very natural.

I enjoyed the early love story between James and Nellie and mourned with them over the lost of their first baby but then was delighted when the twins came along (that was a brutal, but very effective description of the baby from the miscarriage). The reader immediately loves Ben and Christine and it is absolutely heartbreaking when Ben dies! Although ch.9 wouldn't load, I cried all the way through chs. 8 and 10.

Randall's father is the type of person whom I'd like to see locked up in a jail for his entire life! When Randall ran away at age 18, found and fell in love with Christine (although she had another boyfriend, Jake), and was hired by James to take care of Clyde and Charlie - I was honestly hoping Randall would never return to live with his father unless his father had a complete turn-around. But I understand why you took that storyline in the direction that you did.

Oh, Ruby - now I'm dying to know what happens next - after Christine tells Randall that she's pregnant by Jake, but I guess I'll just have to wait until this great book is published! :-) You bring in your faith well with James' anger at God and then his return to his beliefs. Your book is not only a great story for young adults but also an inspiring, thought-provoking, uplifting read. I really hope this goes on the publication (especially so I can buy it and find out the ending...smile). Prayers for you and your books success! Pat

Hi Ruby,
I've only read the first four chapters so far. I felt so sorry for James and his wife and I was relieved when the second pregnancy produced healthy babies. You did a great job pulling me into the story right away. When I turned to chapter two, at first I thought Jame's son was the pov character but it didn't take long to figure out he was a neighbor. I now know where your screen name 'painted pony' came from. That's kinda cool.

I like Christine and I wonder what happened to her brother in the accident. And her mother, too. I'm worried that her brother may have died and her mother may have been injured. I'll have to keep reading to find out. You've done a wonderful job of giving just enough backstory, and making the reader want to know more.

The pacing is very good, and so are the characterizations. The only problem I had was in understanding the lay of the land. I was momentarily confused about the barn. I figured out that it was James Weather's barn and that it is maybe not close to his house. At first, I thought it was Randall's father's barn. Anyway, I love the story so far and I'll come back and read more soon.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail
A PLC review


I’ve read the entire upload, and since I finished reading I keep thinking it’s a book I can pick up and continue reading at a later date, which is always a sign of a good read. An excellent first chapter, setting the scene for the theme of the story. There are some beautiful descriptive phrases; ‘as though a ghost had laced them neatly shut with needle and thread’ amongst many others.

The chilling and heartbreaking suggestion of what the midwife might have seen the night the stillborn baby boy was born, works so well in laying the ground for James’ emotional disassociation from Nellie’s second pregnancy, I can understand that so well. I love the simple tone which so powerfully evokes the frightened man, preparing himself for the dread of what might happen again just so that he can stand it when or if it does. But in doing that, how sad that he misses out on all the joy of the expectancy of birth.
I really like the narrative from James’ perspective, the way he feels inside, the experience of his anticipation, regret, happiness and fear. I am right there with him, the way he wants to be able to be sure of everything but can’t possibly. He comes across as a completely defined character.

I don’t get such a strong sense of the experiencing, feeling character of Randall, it says in the pitch ‘a rebellious teen hell-bent on destruction’ but I personally don’t feel I’ve been given the evidence for this, apart from the engine-revving when we’re first introduced to him. Instead he comes across to me as quite a gentle, caring soul even though he keeps telling himself he isn’t.

Lovely as it is, I find the scenario of a beautiful girl grabbing Randall as he runs pell-mell from his dad a bit hard to believe in. I would have thought she’d have been terrified by someone hurtling through the woods, especially with all the warnings she would have received from her anxious father, her being the only remaining member of his family who he must feel an intense desire to protect. But I did find the later connection they discovered in the ways they’d both tried to abate their pain over their dead mothers quite touching and very human.

As for James, what can I say? The losses he’s had to deal with would seem unbearable, and yet people do deal with losses like these and make a stronger, inspired way of life out of them. You illustrate that your character draws on his Christian Faith as a coping mechanism, but to me it is James’ human spirit that manages to cope with the extreme tragedies of his life. His demonstration of his immense fortitude in the form of the cross shining down from the mountain, feeds into his fellow townsfolk – it’s James’ forbearance they are inspired by. I like the idea of the stories of those who draw comfort from his cross, but I think it would work better to have these interspersed throughout the book rather than having two together in a chapter. Maybe you’re planning to put in more of them.

It was clever to have the story of the roots, the introduction to Nambry and James’ attempt to tackle the ‘root’ of the problem but not quite cutting it out as he had not cut out all the roots of the weeds. And how Nambry’s problem comes back to destroy another part of James’ life as the weed had done.

The description of James’ reaction to Ben’s death is heartrending. And his quiet dignity at his son’s funeral.

I’ll always remember an extremely apt comment Frances Kay made on my book when it was being reviewed on this thread – ‘who exactly is your protagonist?’ (I’m actually still struggling to answer that one; I had a few protagonists I suppose is the answer, and maybe I should have kept one of them ‘out front’ throughout the whole book.) To me James seems by far the strongest contender for the title in BtHT and yet in the chapters uploaded so far, a lot of time is devoted to Randall’s inner feelings towards Christine. Maybe some of that could be condensed down a bit keeping James in the spotlight. We could observe some of the Christine/Randall interaction through his mind, signs he spots in the two of them.

The question of the bullets in the gun… Hepp knew that Randall had used one of his precious and oft-counted bullets; so wouldn’t he have replaced it immediately? Especially as he had discovered it the night before. I wonder if there’s a way of writing around this issue so that he only discovers it that morning and is so lost in his anger with Randall, and then the shock of Randall turning on him with the knife, that he then forgets to replace the bullet.

A true parabolic ending for the ‘baddy’, Hepp.
I loved reading this and look forward to reading more!

Tracey
Veil of Grey

Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail. A Phoenix LC review continued.

Ch.5. It's as if I'm reading on without a break. James's contentment and love for his family, and his temptation not to go out to the ponies are delicately portrayed. And then the back story.

One or two refinements to look out for on your next edit: beware repeating words close together: cold, heavy, that, even, he was.

'Couldnt she see he was dying inside as well' - these words say it all. How tragedy can come between the most loving of couples. Maybe you dont need to repeat the concept in so many words in the next paragraph.
And a back story within a back story - that cold chill consuming James as his spiritual connection with God is severed. Brilliantly done.

Ch.6. I think you've already said in the previous chapter that James found it hard to believe the twins were teenagers now.
That's a good allegory of the root of the bush - almost parable-like. And it is so natural for James to pray for a fruitful confrontation with Nambry. There are some true gems in your story - but I'm wondering what Nambry has to do with the main plot.

Ch.7. The pace slows a bit as we return to Randall and his self-analysis, then hope dawns - and that wicked enemy, dreaded doubt rears its ugly head.

Ch.8. You seem to be jumping forwards and back in time. A bit disconcerting for the reader. I am wanting to ignore the years in the chapter headings. And I'm wondering why you didnt show the scene of the twins receiving their ponies for Christmas in the earlier chapter.
'But then the teenager that had stolen his boy returned.' And the snowflakes covering the imprints of Ben's boots. A gem of a paragraph.
Gretchen? Ginger? What is the pony's name!

Ch.9. A tragic episode, with James's prayers to save his son, and then, when he knows the truth, for help. Beautiful and authentic.

Ch.10. The funeral scene is slow moving, and rather too many superfluous descriptive passages. I wonder why you havent kept to James's viewpoint.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

PLC Review
Beyond the Honeysuckle
Ruby,
I have read to chapter 10. 
This is an extremely well written and sad book. So sad, that I may actually have a hard time reading on. This is largely because, just as advertised, your main character greatly resembles Job.  There is something so fundamentally unfair about that story. The whole point of the story is  its unfairness, isn't it. It is a story from the old Book, and just like Isaac and Abraham, one that goes completely against the Christian principle of the merciful God. And just like those stories, this one is pulling hard at my emotions, making me angry and emotional. This is a sign of the book's success.
That having been said, i have some reservations.
I had never really read a modern Christian novel before I joined the site, so I don't have a great deal of experience with the genre. I understand that a certain amount of preachiness which sometimes made me roll my eyes is a sine-qua-non of the genre, and that there is no point objecting to it.  If I could, I would say that you don't need it, and that it detracts to some extent from the story. The intense religiousness of James differentiates him and makes him stand out in an interesting way, in a sense making him more foreign than universal.  This is something that makes him interesting and particular. His decision to put a cross in lights up on his barn is a fabulous bit of character development. But  I would say that the few moments where the narrative refers to his belief in  Jesus Christ (rather than showing his mourning) in a sense dull the impact of the story, for example when his son dies from the snake bite and you write:
God would breathe life back into his son’s limp body.

Yes Jesus, touch him with your healing hands…bring him back to me Jesus…please…bring him back Lord, bring him back…

In a sense, at least in the bit I read, the Christian aspect seemed a bit forced, masking a Faulkneresque tragedy which really is fabulous. My literary fiction sense wants you to go the tragic route, but I get the feeling that you may not want to do that.
I don't know if it is helpful, if that is not where you want to go. But I found the story of James fascinating, and did not want you to veer from it. And so the teenagers felt wrong. I wanted the entire story to focus on this wonderful, flawed character and how God challenges him.  While I don't think that Randall is a bad character, he just does not have the same depth- how can he? He is an adolescent... I think that the story line of Randall and what he finds beyond the honeysuckle is what you are setting up as your main driver, and I kind of wish it would go another way.
Anyhow, my review therefore is mixed. I feel that this is on the verge of being something really fantastic, but that the confines of your medium restrict you.
At the same time, I was so saddened by it that perhaps it is good that you give a glimmer of hope.
Hook and plot-this is really a fabulous first chapter hook, as I have said before, with the sweetness of the expectant parents dashed by the un- described horror of the stillbirth. I found the details of your writing enticing, the craving for the oranges, the smile, rarely to be seen again.  and then the birth of the twins, which of course brings with it the premonition that bad things will happen.
This is very a very good hook. However, I felt that you waver a bit in the intensity of the plot. While I like the plot line that follows James, I found the one with Randall a bit lacking. He is a teenage boy that is being inexplicably beaten by his father and reacts in a very typical way. Although I found the description of the beating and his reaction moving, and his characterisation well orchestrated, there was just not as much there.
I also found the sudden apparition of Christine a bit fortuitous.  He is actually running away from his father when this girl pulls him into the bushes .(!)
Sounds a bit scandalous, actually. 
I found myself getting annoyed at the YA plot line with the American Football Jock and the pimply awkward kid. The love interest a bit too blatant for the high literary style that you have set up with James.
I am interested in seeing how James will develop in light of his tragedies. Will his wife tell him to curse God and die? This other plot seems a distraction.
Character development- as you can imagine, my comments for this run along similar lines. I find an unbalance, and it makes me want for you to focus on the better developed characters. James is a gem. I really could get into this character, with his unyielding faith, his simplicity, his honesty. 
His wife, we really have not met. (What's her name again?) I am not sure if this is deliberate, but it is all right- it is fine for her to be in the background. 
I find the character of the townspeople as a whole, and particularly the undertaker, really very effective. Once again, Randall and Christine pale in comparison. Partly that is because their lives have less pathos, but also because you don't develop them as much. Randall, again, is a bit straight-forward at this point. Christine is barely developed. 
Ambiance and description- I feel you describe the town and the mountains very vividly, although efficiently.  I had a real feeling for the stifling heat in the church, the biting cold as the twins went out for their ponies, the town's folks gossiping... Again, the town is a very effective character it's own right. I found the description of the funeral in chapter ten spectacular.
So, all in all, this is a passionately mixed (and a bit convoluted) comment. I love parts of this book and am a bit disappointed with others. But I may be wanting a book that you do not what to write, in which case you ought to ignore me. I got a lot out of what I read, and some memorable images that I will remember for a very long time.  For this I am grateful.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve
P.S. I think chapter eighty moves too fast. I would suggest you break it up into at least two sections. It seems that on the same day they get gifted the ponies the accident happened. I realise this has a flashback, but the section before the flashback is so short that it is easy to miss. If you expand the description of the summer day and the outing before the flash back you can avoid this issue.

Ruby,
Just finished chapter one so far. I will read further, but as I am running rather late I wanted to leave a note.
This is a fantastic start. What a great hook with the unexplained and eerie stillbirth. Fantastic ambiance with the town folks gossiping about it, and the relief and satisfaction of the twins being born. This is a lovey and captivating introduction, and I am looking forward to reading on.
More soon,
Maeve

Randal played his part well. fab story

PLC Review: Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail

I read the entire 26 chapters posted here, and I have to say I was absolutely craving more when it was over. So that's always a good sign.

The prose is excellent throughout. Great turns of phrase, a subtle and quiet lyrical nature. I love the details, like the oranges Nellie eats in chapter one. The lovely small town you have painted is charming and idyllic. It makes the tragedies that befall it that much harder to stomach in such a beautiful environment. But then again, it doesn't have boundaries.

A few suggestions: I would have liked the first chapter where Randall meets Nellie to be a little subtler. It was repeated over and over how he was fawning over her eyes, how his heart was racing, etc. I feel like those things could have simply been stated once or twice, and then their behavior could have easily insinuated the rest for us. Just a thought.

Also, I assume the chapters that have no year are set in present day, but with all the time and POV shifts, I think it would be easier on the reader to add a year for each entry. It took me a bit at the start of each chapter to get a sense of "where" I was.

In chapter 18, you give us two heart-breaking and beautiful stories about local townspeople that are touched by James's cross. I thought this was a lovely touch. I am wondering, however, if there should not only be more of these stories (and maybe there are later on), but if they should be sprinkled throughout instead of grouped together in the one chapter?

The loss of Ben is well-handled and extremely emotional. I noted that we never get a glimpse of Randall's reaction to it. At one point in one of the later chapters, he mentions that he is remembering an image of Ben and Christine walking out of the barn together. I assume Randall worked there before Ben died? If so, I think it would do a great disservice to not include his sense of loss. If not, perhaps it could be made more clear that Randall was hired post-Ben's passing.

Before Randall shoots Max, he tells Jake to get his hands off Christine. However, the reader is not aware that he is touching her. We assume so, but his comment seems out of place without a mention of it beforehand, especially since she feel the need to say Jake wasn't hurting her. I would add a sentence about Jake grabbing Christine forcefully to try and remove her from the scene.

Finally, I am unsure that I buy the sheriff forgetting he only had two bullets. At first, I just figured he forgot because he was drunk. But after the fight, it seems like that would be something that he would be unable to get out of his mind. It is too big a moment for him. Perhaps you could have them fight about something else that morning?

I know that seems like a lot of negative, but those are just the few small things that didn't work for me. Everything else was brilliant and incredibly-told. I was completely swept up in the story and read all 26 chapters in one long sitting.

I wish you the best with this.

-Katy
The Promenade

Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail
A Phoenix Literary Club Review

I have read the first seven chapters of "Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail". First (the good news), I honestly think that the first four chapters contain some of the best writing I have yet found on authonomy; unfortunately (this is the bad news), the next three chapters did not come up to that same high standard. I suspect that you've put a lot of effort into getting the opening chapters right; and (as yet) done less work on the remaining chapters, so with a bit more polish you should be able to improve them.

The following comments are based on notes that I made whilst I was reading.

Chapter 1 : Ruby, you have a perfect story-teller's voice. To me, the first chapter reads just like a published novel, and the only comments I can make really boil down to trivial nit-picks. I would agree with Lara, however, that the PoV shifts gradually from third person omniscient to third person limited, and I do prefer the omniscient voice of the opening section. Unfortunately that voice doesn't seem to come back again.

Chapter 2 : I'm not sure how old Randall is: at first I thought of him as a cocky eighteen/nineteen year old, but with his father seems to behave quite a bit younger. Though I can understand how he might regress to behaving younger in the presence of his abusive father, it did leave me unsure about his age.

"It was his second home - a safe refuge." This is one of the very very few instances of "telling" in this chapter and not needed; we know already that it's his refuge from the fact that that Randall immediately runs to the hay loft.

I know the book is called "Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail", but the word "honeysuckle" does get repeated rather a lot in Chapter 2 and at the begining of chapter 3.

Chapter 4: At the very end: "Maybe his luck was about to change for the better." This strikes me as a bit of a cliche. Could you come up with a sentence that represents the same sentiment but using Randall's own words?

Chapter 5: Near the beginning, the word "eliciting" doesn't fit, IMO. "provoking" perhaps.

With this chapter, we're back with James' POV. I would have liked it better if you have used the same "omniscient" POV for this chapter as you did for Chapter 1, rather than take us so close to his thoughts. I have a feeling that James is a character that we will understand better by looking at him from the outside, rather than from the inside. I don't exactly know why, that's just my gut feeling as I read chapters five and six. This is also a flashback, and only appears to fill in details of events that were hinted at in earlier chapters.

I'm not sure if going back to 1991 and 1992 for a chunck of backstory is a good idea. I was aching to get back to Randall, to catch up with his story, and I think readers might be tempted to skip ahead. Although I liked the episode of James finding the cross in his tackle-box, but I'm not sure if the conversation at the diner tells us much (unless I'm missing something). Personally, I would question if these chapters are needed at all.

Chapter 7: We are back with Randall now, but unfortunately this chapter doesn't actually advance the story very much. It tells us that he's falling in love with Christine and that he's jealous of Jake, but I think the reader will have already worked that out for themselves.

Sorry if my comments on chapters 5 to 7 seem a little negative, but because the novel has such a good start I was a little disappointed when it seemed to lose its way a little. I do like the main characters, however, and I really do think that you have a very promising story here. I want to wish you all the best with it.