Book Jacket

 

rank 661
word count 13343
date submitted 19.12.2011
date updated 10.04.2013
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Horror
classification: moderate
complete

The Rise of The New Bloods. From Dark Beginnings

K A HAMBLY

The world still believes they are a myth, but unbeknown to them there are vampires masquerading as humans.

 

The last clan of vampires have lived in Scandinavia for the last 200 years. They have now been forced out of hiding to protect the only thing that shields them from the sun, an ancient Egyptian relic called the Ankh.

Jyrki is forced to leave his home to protect the Ankh, however upon his return he finds his family murdered. Their bodies turning to ashes under the suns hot rays. The only one left of his kind, he must now venture into the outside world, and is forced to control and conceal his true identity.

 
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tags

, ancient egypt, blood, dark, dracula, egypt, fantasy, finland, gothic, gothic horror, horror, scandanavia, vampires

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69 comments

 

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Tarzan For Real wrote 496 days ago

I read through several chapters of your "The Rise of the New Bloods. From Dark Beginnings".

Compelling characters that are appealing make a good book a great book. You have that here KA.

For starters in the first couple of chapters I see clearly the world Jyrki inhabits. Ifeel the bite of the cold and the colors of the moon on snow. Great job there. What's even better is your use of nature to foreshadow the story. It's REALLY rare to find find writers on here using nature as a character.

Dialogue between Draven and Jyrki and other characters is crisp, sharp, and believable.

I see an original idea and a fresh concept on a predatory creature. No GQ sparkle hound, thank Amen Ra. And thank you for bringing the predator and not the pretty boy posing as he feeds.

Highly starred and backed when I make some room.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph", & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

David Monk wrote 506 days ago

Damn that was good. I'm glad I can leave 6 stars here because when i reviewd before, 5 was not enough.
How great to read a fantastic and fresh vampire book at last. For far too long the vampire lore has grown stagnant and repetative.
K A really brings it to the reader in this book. It grips you with an array of brilliant characters that you actually care about from the first word to the last.
Any complaints, afraid so, I want to read more NOW.
I cant wait to read more of K A's work, an author to watch closely who drags you into the dark and utterly believable world of Jyrki.
The absolute best vampire book I have read since Brian Lumley's Necroscope series.
Pick up this book and read it now, only one word of warning: you will not put it down.

judoman wrote 704 days ago

Your book is pacy and fast moving. I am and always have been a big fan of Dracula and the dark side.

Like the opening passage where Jyrki still felt traces of pass human existance. I shall definitely bat on with this, has the makings of a cracker.

Dean
:)

stearn37 wrote 683 days ago

Very good book and well written, I have backed the book and hope you get this published. If you have time please read my book Derilium.
John Stearn the Author of Derilium

RMAWriteNow wrote 697 days ago

Hi Kelly; If your going to do vampires you have to do them well. You do. Your writing displays a great talent for your subject, one that you obviously know a great deal about. I particularly like your descriptive work and your use of leaving your audience wanting more with the last line of each chapter. Your book title and cover are also really well thought out. I like vampire books and am liking yours as much as most. I recommend this to others reading this review and am putting it on my WL for further reading.
Well done.
RMA
Sea Spray and Stars

Andrewallen82 wrote 251 days ago

Good job for making a very old story that has been written to death no (pun intended) and made it a fresh. The manuscript so far is polished and void of any type of typos. The main character is very likable although the name is a pit strange. You should post a how to pronounce on the synopsis because it sounds like jerky. Anyway, I believe you have a decent story and the fact you have two written is amazing feat and think you have a wonderful opportunity to create an all new world of vampire with complete new lore if you choose to do. I like your use of excellent seeing verbs and nouns and you only tell very little. I think you have a good chance to make it to the editor's desk . Good luck and hope you have all the success in the world.Andrew-Forsaken
Overall-8.8
polish and grammar-9.2
story and entertainment-8.7
re-readability-8.9
characters and style-9.4

Einlandis wrote 381 days ago

Hi there, I'm rather new at this sort of critiquing thing, but I will give it a try!

I love the concept. I'm a big fan of a return to the older view of Vampires rather than what's become in vogue. I think tying them in with Egyptian mythology is quite clever and has me asking the right sort of questions to get into a story.

Hmm, I was rather hoping the book would open with a bit slower pace given how the story picks up. We meet Jyrki as he's musing and then he finds out from his brother that the Others are coming. We learn a lot of the mythology, about him being chosen and the agreement with Madok, in a really short span of time.

I was rather surprised when Jyrki was referred to as The Chosen One. Usually that's something a character finds out about 1/2 - 2/3 through the journey and it greatly changes his/her life. Here it seems like a commonplace fact that Jyrki is the Chosen One. Did Madok tell his Father that he was chosen? How does Jyrki feel about being the Chosen One, other than confused? These grand ideas of purpose are all readily accepted by the characters and I was just wondering why.

I feel like a lot of the fantastic things that happen in the first chapter do not seem to surprise Jyrki at all. He flees and returns to find his kind has all been killed. Then we have ominous voices in chapter 2 tell him he has been spared for a greater purpose while giving him a sort of prophetic mission.

Chapter 2 begins Jyrki's journey and is told from a very high level of what he did, where he went, and for how long. I would've liked to see many one or two scenes of interaction where he comes close to a human and fights himself (perhaps violently) to resist his urges. Something like that would've built up a lot of sympathy for me while showing me Jyrki's vulnerability and how ill-equipped he is for the world outside of the compound. :D

I also would've like to see a bit more agency on the part of Jyrki. His agency comes in his desire to feed or not to feed, yet not so much in what he wants to do with his life after the death of his clan. He is told by his Father to flee and then by these voices to stay in hiding. He seems reactionary rather than dynamic from these two chapters.

I like the dialogue a lot. I think you paint the settings very vividly and I started to sympathize with a vampire, which I think is a really hard thing to do. :p

Great work!

David Stonehouse wrote 387 days ago

Hi,
I've read all seven chapters. Firstly, vampires have been done to death and watered down into fluffy kid-friendly creatures lately so it was really good to have your take on the mythology. Jyrki is aggressive, dangerous and views people as insects wich, in my view, is just as a vampire should be. You've kept a lot of traditional vampire lore and your new additions, like the Ankh and ancient Egyptian history are welcome additions.
I felt that chapter one felt a bit rushed. A hell of a lot happens very quickly and I would have liked a bit more detail about character, setting, the Others etc. The other chapters are much more detailed and steadily paced. The opening battle and the vampires reduced to ash has the potential to be an amazing opening.
The story progresses well. I love the Scandinavian setting, the isolation and separation fom the rest of the world is very atmospheric. The switch to New York and the arrival of Stride worked well. I'd like to know what happens next.
From a technical point of view you do need to do an edit for accuracy as there is some odd punctation in places and some formatting issues, presumably from the upload.
Anyway, I enjoyed the sample. Good luck with it.
Regards,
Dave
The Five Stones/The Dark Ride

Seringapatam wrote 437 days ago

I rind this an interesting read considering it is not my genre. You have come up with something that certainly kept me hooked thats for sure. You have a good narrative voice which you maintain throughout the book and moret than enough to keep the reader interested. I got to a point when I didnt want to put it down. Great character, brilliant flow and pace to the book. I wish you luck, high score.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Truth One Note In wrote 441 days ago

As one of hundreds of Vampire movies on here, this does have a unique plot background and opener.
Other than that it is well written and smooth.
The names are highly creative and chosen.
Niceo work.
Toni [Cavern of Time]

Tarzan For Real wrote 496 days ago

I read through several chapters of your "The Rise of the New Bloods. From Dark Beginnings".

Compelling characters that are appealing make a good book a great book. You have that here KA.

For starters in the first couple of chapters I see clearly the world Jyrki inhabits. Ifeel the bite of the cold and the colors of the moon on snow. Great job there. What's even better is your use of nature to foreshadow the story. It's REALLY rare to find find writers on here using nature as a character.

Dialogue between Draven and Jyrki and other characters is crisp, sharp, and believable.

I see an original idea and a fresh concept on a predatory creature. No GQ sparkle hound, thank Amen Ra. And thank you for bringing the predator and not the pretty boy posing as he feeds.

Highly starred and backed when I make some room.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph", & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

David Monk wrote 506 days ago

Damn that was good. I'm glad I can leave 6 stars here because when i reviewd before, 5 was not enough.
How great to read a fantastic and fresh vampire book at last. For far too long the vampire lore has grown stagnant and repetative.
K A really brings it to the reader in this book. It grips you with an array of brilliant characters that you actually care about from the first word to the last.
Any complaints, afraid so, I want to read more NOW.
I cant wait to read more of K A's work, an author to watch closely who drags you into the dark and utterly believable world of Jyrki.
The absolute best vampire book I have read since Brian Lumley's Necroscope series.
Pick up this book and read it now, only one word of warning: you will not put it down.

Littleredriley wrote 509 days ago

Ok, so just read your blurb after i got your message. ha ha.
The first half is really good. It flows like the back of a book and should and would make me pick it up. The second half i'm not so keen on, especially after reading the first couple of chapters. Some elements actually dont ring true to me. For instance,he doesnt just discover that his family are murdered, he kind of knew they might be as there was going to be a big battle. Also he doesnt decide to leave his homeland, he's told to leave by his father.
I think that you can tighten it up.

Try;

Jyrki is forced to leave his home to protect the Ankh, however upon his return he finds his family murdered. Their bodies turning to ashes under the suns hot rays. The only one left of his kind, he must now venture into the outside world, and is forced to control and conceal his true identity.

Or something like that.

Hope that helps.

kind regards

Claire

Littleredriley wrote 509 days ago

Ive read the first 3 chapters and apart from the odd missing comma, its written really well.
I love vampire books and you write them really well!
Your MC is great, shes everything that you would want from a heroine, i'm looking forward to reading further and seeing her kick some arse.

Kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limerence

Etienne Hanratty wrote 518 days ago

I'm not really one for vampire books but I thought I'd give this one a go. I've only read the first chapter but it's very enjoyable so far. I felt you paced the narrative brilliantly and liked the way you managed to start the story at such a pivotal point without losing my attention. I'd probably lose a few of the metaphors and consider breaking up the chapter to give the reader a chance to catch his/her breath but otherwise it's a lovely opening. Good look with this.

CARite wrote 526 days ago

Rise of the New Bloods - intriguing vampire book....nice flow and development of Jyrki and her family...the tragedy of the compound is heart wrenching despite knowing they are vampires, they have also been portrayed as human (or human like) Well done...keep going will keep you on watch...
CADreilling - The Line - Beginnings

bektamun wrote 660 days ago

This book has me completely intrigued. Hope you finish and publish soon. I'm looking forward to reading the complete and final version.

Tarzan For Real wrote 677 days ago

Just finished pitch and chapter one. Unique concept for a vampire novel. Your dialogue,story line, and narrative had good transition and flowed well.

Typos and grammatical errors were noticed but did not take away from your story. A good edit will fix that easily enough.

I'll continue to read on and review more throughly. Good job and I'll get it to my WL soon enough.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

stearn37 wrote 683 days ago

Very good book and well written, I have backed the book and hope you get this published. If you have time please read my book Derilium.
John Stearn the Author of Derilium

RMAWriteNow wrote 697 days ago

Hi Kelly; If your going to do vampires you have to do them well. You do. Your writing displays a great talent for your subject, one that you obviously know a great deal about. I particularly like your descriptive work and your use of leaving your audience wanting more with the last line of each chapter. Your book title and cover are also really well thought out. I like vampire books and am liking yours as much as most. I recommend this to others reading this review and am putting it on my WL for further reading.
Well done.
RMA
Sea Spray and Stars

ccb1 wrote 701 days ago

Backed and star rated The Rise of The New Bloods. Big fang fan! Like the twist of a vampire with a conscious. You might like our vampire book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

judoman wrote 704 days ago

Your book is pacy and fast moving. I am and always have been a big fan of Dracula and the dark side.

Like the opening passage where Jyrki still felt traces of pass human existance. I shall definitely bat on with this, has the makings of a cracker.

Dean
:)

patio wrote 727 days ago

Brilliant title. Amazing pitch. dark chapters. The Rise of the new Blood is right up my street.

StaceyM wrote 731 days ago

hi Kelly,

I'm not one for vampire stories, but I wanted to return the read.

Overall, your writing is of a decent standard. You need to work a little on your punctuation but I didn't notice any glaring typos, which is a good start! One thing I think you could do is remove all the filter words: phrases like I thought, I said to myself, seemed, felt like etc. Try to keep right inside your MC's head and show us the action directly through his eyes without distancing the reader with those filtering phrases. Online tools like prowritingaid.com are a real help for picking up on them.

A couple of minor nits to pick - I'm sure that in Chapter 1, you said that the action was happening at the end of the 19th century? that would mean it was the late 1800s. You mean the 20th century - late 1900s, to 21st century (2000 onwards). An easy mistake to make.

Also - you state quite clearly from the start that your MC doesn't know much (or indeed anything) about humans, and hasn't seen any for around 200 years. However, he immediately recognises a British accent, and that the car is a Land Rover (Chapter 3 - and you need to capitalise it as it's a brand). If your MC has been living in a hut in a Finnish forest for 200 years, he's not going to know these things, or that he's going to Helsinki or New York. If these names of things just pop into his concsciousness, you need to explain this happening and show his confusion at this knowledge suddenly pouring into him. If you don't clear up those details, your MS isn't going to get far with agents/publishers, I'm afraid.

Best of luck with this,
Stacey

Karen Dillon wrote 741 days ago

Hey, your book has been on my WL for a while now, but I've only gotten around to reading it today. I haven't got a lot of time to read, so when I'm on the site I tend to read the first chapter of whatever I have on my WL.

I must say that I really enjoyed what I've read of this. I know it's only one chaper, but I really do like this story. Jyrki is a great MC, at least I thought he was from what I've read of him so far. (Jyrki is an awesome name BTW) Your writing is easy to follow and you write descriptions really well. All together you've created a story that's easy to get into. I've only read the first chapter so far, but I intend to keep this on my WL so I can read the rest whenever I get the chance.

How could I not after reading such an intriguing first chapter? I can't just stop where I am because then I'll never know who it was who killed off all the vampires, or what this prophecy entails, or if Jyrki really is the last vampire or not.

Highly starred.
Karen =)

Greenleaf wrote 745 days ago

I've read the first chapter so far. Great beginning with tension and action. I see difficulties ahead for young Jyrki. Good characterization. I can't tell his age yet (but, then, age in a vampire is different than in a human so I don't know how to get that across anyway). I was immediately drawn into the setting and knew right away Jyrki was a vampire without you telling me that in the scene. Good job. I'll keep reading and will post more comments in a couple days.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

J C Michael wrote 753 days ago

Hi Kelly,
I've only read the first three chapters so I'll try to keep this brief and then comment further once I've read some more.
My initial impression is that this is a solid basis for what I'm sure could be polished into a story of the highest quality. The concept is strong and I like the idea of a vampire full of guilt, doubt, and uncertainty, rather than the usual self assurance and confidence most writers give their vampires.
As far as criticisms go the only ones I have are that you seem to use question marks on occasions where they don't seem to fit, such as "I don't have much to pay you with?" written as a question when I would assume this was more of a statement. Other than that the only other things that didn't feel quite right were the facts that if your vampires were so isolated from humans would they really use phrases like "freak out"? and again, if they were so isolated, how would a Finnish vampire recognise a Scottish accent?
Overall though these are only minor gripes that are currently stopping a good story from being great, for me at least. This still deserves to be highly starred and I will return to it as soon as I can.
Regards,
James

Kenny Dreadful wrote 768 days ago

Read the first couple of chapters and loving it.
And not one sparkly vampire in sight. :)
Backed.
Will comment more once I've read more.

Ken

HarryWarraich wrote 778 days ago

So far, I'm enjoying this... and I don't even "do" vampire novels ;)

OK for the major fact that you've been creative and not gone down the Twilight route, merits a tour on my shelf. Congrats :)

HW

patriarch wrote 783 days ago

Interesting beginning. Good pace. Good descriptive skills. Who are The Others? Well, I guess I'll just have to keep reading to find out, right?

CGHarris wrote 785 days ago

I was having a few issues with website this afternoon when I tried to read your book and only managed to pull up the first chapter. What a disappointment because I was dying to read more. You have done a great job with this one. There is drama, action, and intrigue galore. Your imagery is amazing and the dialogue felt natural with just enough old world peppered in to transport you into the story. Thanks so much for the read. This is a great one and I’ll be back for more once Anthology manages to get things running again. High hopes and high stars for this one.

Philthy wrote 791 days ago

Hi KA,
So I had you on my WL, which means I owed you a read. However, I noticed that I left comments 37 days ago. Interesting. Anyway, I re-read the first chapters without looking at my previous comments, and here are some things I came up with. As usual, they’re my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
“Do we really know our history?” This is a weak first-line hook. Who’s history? Human history? US history? British history? Some context is needed.
Add a comma after “years” (subordinate clause)
Frankly, I’d make the “Hidden for thousands of years…” part your short pitch, ditch the current short pitch and also “Do we really know our history?” and start your long pitch with “Jyrki” (Am I reading that right? Is it pronounced “Jerky,” as in beef jerky?)
Add comma after “Without it”
“we see him struggle” is weak. Take the third person out of it and rework it in more active tense. (i.e. Jyrki struggles with his inner demons upon arriving in New York).
“But will the uncovering…” doesn’t sit well there, as it isn’t a contradiction to the previous sentence. If you want to use it, I’d suggest taking out the “But” and making it a widowed paragraph.
Chapter One
Don’t underestimate the opportunity you have to really hook your reader in with the first line of your novel. With that in mind, “I took a deep breath and sighed,” is a weak first line. It doesn’t say anything and doesn’t present any sort of problem.
There are some run-on sentences here. For instance, “After all, I was descended from the humans,” is an independent clause. “…maybe, just maybe there was still a trace of humanity…” is also an independent clause. Therefore, they ought to be separated by a period (ideal), or a semicolon (to be used sparingly).
With FPPOV, it’s easy to get into the habit of starting off too many sentences with “I.” Keep an eye out for this, as it might be a good idea to vary it up.
I’m not usually a fan of vampire stories, but yours is unique and the story is solid. My biggest suggestion is to continue scrubbing for grammar, punctuation and flow. Otherwise, good stuff. I can see this doing well with the application of additional polish.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

billysunday wrote 791 days ago

Great dialogue and plot concept! Highly recommend and highly starred. Dina Rae of Bad Juju

martinadilsmith wrote 794 days ago

As a semi-reformed goth, I am big fan of the books by Anne Rice and Stephen King, and I personally quite enjoyed this story which is in a similar vein. The Finnish setting early on was a very nice juxtaposition to the New York chapters later, and I felt that there was something of the "Catcher In The Rye" in terms of the observations of the NY life - I should say that is a good thing.
There is pace, engagement, excellent narrative, and some good character development - I can feel a very nice mythos building.
My one suggestion - don't hold back. You've got an imagination, but I sometimes felt that you held it in check with the notion of what you thought everyone else believes a vampire to be.

Don't.

I'm much more interested in what you make a vampire to be - maybe they can see things that we can't. Don't be held back by the old cliche's, but use the established template as base to really give full flight to your imagination. If you need to edit it later you can do, but you've got nothing to lose at this juncture.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Martin

The Spirals Of Danu
www.faceboook.com/spiralsofdanu

Kayla H wrote 794 days ago

This is just my opinion, but I think you need to clarify how much Jyrki knows about human society. Some of his reactions are contradictory. For example, in chapter five when he goes to New York City he thinks: “It was just a testament to the plastic, uncultured, machine like society the 21st century had to offer.” In this section he seems to have a clear understanding of advertisement and culture, etc. But later, in chapter seven, he thinks of a ten dollar bill as being a “strange piece of paper.” I wasn’t sure if this was because he was from a different country and was familiar with a different form of currency or if you inttended it to show his overall unfamiliarity with humans in general. There are several places where his familiarity with people seems inconsistent with other places. It might be something you want to take a look at. Anyway, great story and best of luck with it.

DerekTobin wrote 795 days ago

Hi Kelly
I came back for more as on my watchlist - so thought id leave another comment. loving your voice - can def sense your young vamps (well 200 is prob young for a vamp ha ha) conflict. Ive read a few vamp ones on here but this one stands out - def think it has publishing and film potential -love the others gives it a different flavour. will find shelf space soon for it.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Brian Thompson wrote 796 days ago

The Rise of The New Bloods. From Dark Beginnings, is my pick of the week.

See, Shameless Plugs.

6 Stars!

Kayla H wrote 797 days ago

I like the idea of a lone vampire roaming around and ending up in New York City. I liked how you showed his confusion with human behavior and how he is supposed to respond.
A few sections were a little confusing though. One place was in chapter four where he gets into a confrontation with a group of humans. This line confused me a little: “he started pushing me again.” When did he push Jyrki the first time? Also, you wrote that the man’s friends walk away, but then a little later they are helping him to his feet. When did they come back? And would they really just walk away in the first place? The scene is very dramatic, but it also has a slightly disjointed feel.
In chapter five I liked his reaction to the skyscrapers of New York and the kid who wonders if he’s a vampire.
I also liked how you added a little more detail about the Ankh in chapter six.
A good read!

Dianna Lanser wrote 803 days ago

Kelly,

I am only able to make short comments because of this crazy new system.... I was impressed with your writing the premise was good and the first chapter did well to move me forward - lots of mystery. Jykri is likable, especially since he tries to deny himself blood. You have a wonder knack of describing the surroundings. I could "see" the winterland of Finland.

A couple things surprised me like in chapter one when he goes into the woods and then comes back out to check on the compound, it didn't seem like there was any passage of time. In chapter three I was surprised that he could be with people, I thought they were out to get him. Finally, the modern slang didn't seem believable coming from an ancient people.

All in all a great read. Highly Starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Kayla H wrote 804 days ago

I was really glad to get back to reading this. You have created a very interesting story.
I was a bit disappointed that chapter two consists mainly of exposition. One thing I really liked about the first chapter is how you jumped right into the action. Here, not much seems to be happening. I felt like you could cut this chapter out completely and the pacing would only be the stronger for it.
Chapter three is much better. The character has inner conflict. There’s people looking for him, adding to the tension.
I did not what seems to be a little inconsistency. You wrote that the people are “already” looking for the killer—I’m assuming that killer is Jyrki. But later you say that his last meal—I’m assuming the person he killed—was over a week ago. That does not seem like “already.” I’d think people would start looking for the killer right away, not a week later. Maybe the people were still looking for the killer?
I was also surprised that someone would not be shocked for his request for food with blood in it. I was even more surprised that the man actually brought him what he asked for without asking any questions.
Still, the story is intriguing enough that you have made me want to read more.

sassychick wrote 805 days ago

To be honest i was a bit hesitant when i read the pitch learning this story was about vampires. true, i love supernatural tales and use to be a big fan of vampire themes but in the recent times since the Twilight series, vampires are beginning to become overdone. Its hard to bring an original tale to a theme so popular.
That being said, from the 1st two chapters i read. i like it.
Being the only vampire left is not a common approach to Vampires to it was refreshing to find out there were still stories to tell about these creatures.
Your writing is very easy to read with the prefect balance of description and dialogue as well as action. it is an enticing dark, gothic tale that is sure to grip its readers by the throat and drag them along in splendid horror.
Great job and i look forward to reading more as time allows. six stars.
Amanda

mick2112 wrote 807 days ago

Top class Kelly,top class!!!!!!!!
Believe in your talent and believe in yourself!!!!!

Nick Cullen wrote 808 days ago

I love it! That's the short version. I'm a reluctant fan of this genre because whenever I dip my toe into the gothic world (usually vampire based) I become a bit disenchanted...but this...BUT THIS...this I like. I'm not gonna even pretend I'm qualified enough to critique this in regards to typos/syntax/grammar etc But I can tell you how I felt whilst reading the first chapter. I was drawn into the story, placing myself amidst the snow and trees, feeling the cold and seeing the massacre. Along those lines, this is a great read and I want and shall be back to continue reading. This is getting high stars and onto my WL and when a book shifts from my shelf this is the one that's going on.
Best of luck
Slán
Nick

kell13 wrote 808 days ago

Re-reading the whole story again but already after the first 2 chapters (again) it is still a great read...its been a while since i first read this story and i know there has been some changes so i will comment again once i am at the finish line.....The locations are perfect (makes a welcome change from a Hollywood setting or high school characters) ....ok back to reading and another comment ahead.

Kayla H wrote 808 days ago

I glanced over the comments section and read in one of your responses that right now you’re focusing mainly on plot before you go back and deal with small-scale editing. I think this is a really smart approach. So, being the grammar-freak I am, I am going to try to restrain myself and focus on larger scale issues like pacing, what the reader needs to know when, etc. (I would love it if you let me know when you are ready to start the great typo hunt—it’s always tough to find them in your own work).
So. I’ve only read the first chapter so far but I’m going to read the rest as soon as I can.
I like how you start right in the middle of the action without a whole lot of backstory. It’s very fast paced. Your writing style is very contemporary—perfect for a paranormal novel. You’ve also made it really clear who the main character is and who we’re supposed to have sympathy for—the vampire.
This is all great, but I was confused in places.
The piece starts off with a paragraph of interior monologue. Why? Didn’t Jyrki hear the horn that obviously everyone else did? Did he really not notice what was going on around him? It seems an odd jump from that to the action that follows.
One of the characters says that “Amroath has ordered everyone to his quarters.” His as in Amroath’s quarters or his as in each individual’s quarters? And why is no one doing that? They’re dismantling things, not going inside.
You wrote that he “saw the alarming scene of the clan rushing in the distance.” This seems a bit vague to me. How far in the distance? Why are they in the distance? And rushing is kind of an empty word. Rushing while they do what exactly?
And do vampires need jackets? And if so, why? Do they get cold? It would definitely be a departure from the norm if they did, which would be a great twist.
I would also like to know how they are tearing down the cabins. With their bare hands? With tools? How long does it take them? If this is to destroy traces of their existence, what are they doing with the pieces of cabin?
I’d also like a few more details about what the Ankh is. How does it protect them all from the sun? How does giving it to Jyrki endanger them?
Some of Jyrki’s comments seem a little out of place. For example where he asks Draven “What’s wrong with you?” What makes him say that? Something in Draven’s expression? Why would Draven putting his hand on his shoulder elicit such a strong reaction?
Same with his comment about Amroath not having people skills. The only point of it seems to be as set up for Amroath saying they’re not exactly people. Amroath does seem to have good people skills—he says he trusts in Jyrki, believes in him (very motivational). The vampires seem to look up to Amroath, to respect him. So, the comment felt kind of odd.
I’m not sure what Amroath is referring to when he says Jyrki will learn “in time what that thing can do.” “thing” is a very vague word. What thing? The sword? The ankh? Something else? I’m not sure.
His reaction to his family’s death felt a little hurried. It reads like a summary.
Anyway, all in all, it seems a pretty strong story and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens to Jyrki. I hope my comments were helpful.

Elina Lear wrote 809 days ago

Oh lord, this takes me home again. I can see the pictures you paint of the scenery and it really does feel like going home. There's a forlorn, almost lonely beauty technique to your writing I haven't seen in quite a while. It takes a lot to make a piece of writing you can't 'pick apart' easily. I know the words you're using, i know how they're supposed to work to create an effect, but somehow it doesn't explain the underlying feeling reading this gives you.
The only critique I'll say, and this might just be me, the first section is quite quick (which I know it's supposed to be) but perhaps there are too many names dropped in an instant. I'm going to re-read because I rip through something first, then go through it slower the second time, but I had to tell you from just finishing it now that I really liked this.

I have my own story on here and, in true Authonomy style, would like to ask you if you have the time to take a quick look. I'm not so bothered by backing although it's always a plus, but what I'm most after is comments or critique so I can try to improve.

There's sensual hypnotism of Anne Rice in this, but the Scandinavian edge somehow makes it darker, more bewitching. Definitely backing and I hope you have great success with this.

sjgcoe wrote 809 days ago

I have enjoyed the first two chapters and find the writing style easy to follow. I love vampires but I think I have overdosed on them, and for some reason i can't seem to get into it the way I thought I would. I have rated it on the fact I know it is something I would enjoy, and I will definitely come back to it at some point.
(maybe when I have had a chance to detox from vampires).
There are few good ideas so far, and they are well presented, so I hope people give you a chance.

Steven

JKass wrote 809 days ago

I'm very touchy on the vampire thing these days, and the genre is flooded. But you do have something very special going on with your characters. The interaction is very realistic as is the dialog. A good read.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 815 days ago

RISE OF THE NEW BLOODS
This is an interesting vampire story. I like the way you’ve given Jyrki a conscience so he feels bad when he’s killed someone. That gives him a deeper demention than most vampires; lets a reader want to follow him and see how his story turns out. You have a good writing style for this; are able to infuse facts about vampires into the story rather than lecture your reader on vampire traits. Allows the reader to learn about his culture but keep the story flowing. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

karlee.hall wrote 821 days ago

Have just finished chapter 3 and am really impressed.
You have a natural knack for writing and this is definitely one of the best vampire reads I've come across on Authonomy (if not the best) just based on storyline alone. You have some real gem sentences. I love me a troubled vampire and Jaykri is definitely troubled, the first opening chapter was great and very tragic, it's a great hook to get readers interested.
There is so much potential here but I will say that it needs cleaning. I picked up a few things while reading, keep in mind, I'm no editor so if things I suggest feel wrong to you DON'T CHANGE THEM. I've had some great corrections and some that didn't feel right so definitely take them as they are: suggestions. This is your baby after all, you know what's best for it :)

Alright.
Chapter 1
-After the day I had out hunting for food…- I think you meant -After the day I had been out hunting for food…-
-I wondered, Could this have been what we had been preparing for all these years?- The capital letter mid sentence caught my attention, I think this should be typed as:
-I wondered, “Could this have been what we had been preparing for all these years?”-
-by a nail on the door, almost tearing it in the process and, climbed down the- I don't think you need a comma after the and -by a nail on the door, almost tearing it in the process and climbed down the-
-I turned to look at Father whose ashen face must’ve aged a few years in those split seconds.- No corrections here, I just really loved this sentence ^^ Nice.
-Part of me couldn’t bear to look at it because I knew by father handing me the one thing that kept us all shielded from the sun he placed our lives in mortal danger.- I think this needs rephrasing. I tried breaking it into two sentences, but have a go yourself and see if you can make it flow better.
-Part of me couldn’t bear to look at it, as I knew, father handing me this only meant one thing, he’d be placing all our lives in mortal danger from the sun. It was the only thing shielding us from it after all.-
-Just moments ago I thought, I was secretly hoping for change- I thought is not needed. -Just moments ago, I was secretly hoping for change-

Chapter 2
I did however stop for a moment and and – repeated and
-It was just thankful I had great vision in the dark- I think you meant -I was just thankful I had great vision in the dark-

Chapter 3
-Sometimes, dependingon the richness of the blood- Forgot to press spacebar, happens to the best of us. Just thought I'd point it out. It's one of those things that manages to go unnoticed for too long. -Sometimes, depending on the richness of the blood-

That's all I massively noticed. There are other things, mostly very little but it's those little things that can make an amazing manuscript go unnoticed. Awesome work here, will highly star rate, you are well deserving!
Thanks,
Karlee - Chained
Would love to have some feedback from a fellow vampire lover, so whenever you find yourself with some free time check out my book :)






Geddy25 wrote 822 days ago

I'm not really into the vampire thing, but I like the way you started this story.
I initially thought the Others were another clan of vampires, but it was interesting to find out they were human. I like the way you tell the story from the eyes of a vampire looking at humans in a different way.
Could do with a bit more of a description to characters and settings - like the compound, which I feel would really enhance your work.
There are a few typo errors in there - punctuation, spelling, changed tense which could do with addressing but I like what I have read so far.
Good luck with this,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Wussyboy wrote 827 days ago

This is a cracking good read, Kelly, which - with a bit of editing - will (I am sure) become a firm favourite with the fantasy crowd here. Yes, it would be nice to know what Jyrki looks like (some physical description?) and yes, the timeline and setting are a little vague (when and where are we exactly?), but I love the premise - a clan of the 'last vampires on earth' being tracked down by the 'Others' (somewhere in) Finland and eliminated...all save one and a silver Ankh with nameless powers. That's a killer last line, btw! I particularly liked the strand of humour running through the action - Jyrky's wry comment about his dad's 'lack of people skills' cracked me up! Then there's your best joke which, curiously, is the only one where my editing eye stuck: 'No time for snacks' should (imho) be in italics, cos it's a 'thought', not actual speech. And it may read better as: 'No time for snacks,' I thought as I saw a hare SCURRY into ITS burrow."

I'm giving this six stars for genuine promise. On my list to shelve after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(in your second line, don't you mean WAS still a trace of humanity in me?)

Philthy wrote 828 days ago

Hi KA,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
To be honest, your short pitch is a little weak. Maybe tell the reader something about the story itself.
Same with the first line of the long pitch. Who is “our?” Humanity? United States? British? Russian? Who are you speaking to?
There needs to be a comma after “years”. To me, this is a much better first line than the last one. I’d delete that prior one.
Needs to be a comma after “Without it”
Pretty strong pitch otherwise.
Chapter One
I think this first line is pretty weak. This is a missed opportunity to grab the reader with a strong hook. Paint the picture for us.
With that in mind, this is a strong attempted opening. I like how you establish the character as a vampire, but I do think it’s missing something. Condensing the sentences might make it stronger, especially with that first line.
You have a lot of sentences beginning with “I” in that first paragraph. I count five. Might be a little much, but that also could just be how I’m reading it right now.
You have very good descriptions. I would mind seeing even more. Your writing ability is certainly strong enough for it.
“I swerved around and held the lantern up, It was Draven…” These are two sentences. The comma after “up” should be a period.
“Subconsciously I knew there was great danger ahead of us” If the thought it in the MC’s subconscious, it probably should not be mentioned here. Fill us in only on what the narrator knows, not what he/she can’t know. If it’s in his subconscious, it suggests he does not yet know.
“Words didn’t have to manifest from anyone’s lips” is kind of an overkill way to say “nobody had to say it”
Not that it’s a big deal, but there are a lot of commas missing that need to be there. Such as “It’s time son” (comma after time)
“It was in that very moment, I knew I was the last Vampire.” Change “in” to “at”. I would also suggest condensing to “It was then I knew I was the last vampire.” Not sure why Vampire is capitalized. Also, delete the comma after “moment.”
This is a strong start with powerful images and captivating characters. You’re right. It’s not your ordinary vampire tale, and that’s key. This is very, very interesting. I’m left wanting to know what happens to the last vampire. I think the grammar and punctuation needs to be smoothed out, but that’s no biggie. Great stuff, and I can see it doing well here. High stars from me. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on mine when you get the chance.
Best of luck with this!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

hordak1972 wrote 831 days ago

Hello Kelly,
Just finished reading the first three chapters of your work. i also read some of the comments that people have posted and some I agree with and some I don't. So with that said I shall add my two cents to the pot.
I do agree with Brian Thompson and Sharon V.O. about timing and the story being rushed. First person POV has never been one of my favorites to write because of timing and pace. Go to slow and loose the reader go too fast and it's like what I miss. One thing that threw me for a loop, (just a small one,) is that in the beginning, I could not get a feel for the timeline till chapter two. What I mean by that is at first reading it I thought it took place in the 16-1700's, then in chapter two he is ambushing someone at their van and there are guys with rifles looking for him. So in thought, when the others came, why are they fighting with spears and swords when they could have had guns? By the way, I love the term others, it's rather vague and gives you the desire to read on to find out who these others are. Humans, most likely. Werewolves, or maybe a different type of vampire. So I really like that.
Only one disagreement, it is rather small but in defense of something you did. I was able to catch it because I did the same thing and was criticized as well but folks fail to realize that either way is correct. Maevesleiblin pointed out that when Amaroth was talking to his son the correct reply is do you vs don't you. This is true in proper English however, it takes away from realization and characterization. The fact that it is in quotes it should be safe. I believe he would have said don't you based on the fact that he is a vampire that lives on an isolated island and no where in the story says he was an English professor. Just like the correct term is may I use the restroom but people don't talk like that. In reality they say can I use the restroom. So like I say it's small either way is correct.
In closing I would like to encourage you to keep chucking at it and stay focused. As Brian had said the vampire market at this time is heavily over-saturated but if well written, great pace and timing, along with awesome characterization( which that part you have already, I would say,) this has potential to be the next twilight saga with room for spin offs. Drevan and Amaroth, (forgive me I'm sure I misspelled the names) are strong enough characters that books could be done to where they are the MC.
Well I enjoyed the read you can return the read if you like but my book Angel is in shambles right now, I have done the rewrites but have not posted it yet. Have fun, keep writing, and enjoy life. Will make room on my shelf for this but have commitments till the end of February so I will watch list you until then.


Good luck,
Terrill L. Davis
Angel

ForeverAnimetriss wrote 831 days ago

Very nice story. It's intriguing and I absolutely love vampires stories as well. Please check out my book, it puts a different twist on the vampire/werewolf stories I think. Good luck!

Courtney
Hybrid Love

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