Remembering Forgotten

Blair,

A very different way of telling a story. Some of the entries are a little difficult to believe, but this should not detract from what is building into an interesting and enjoyable story. I read ten entries.

A small crack in one of the coconuts would allow the milk to drain out and be drinkable, half solving the water problem!

I does feel odd that they story is told as journal entries, but Ice does not have a pen or paper, or a laptop. Are these mental entries?

Thanks for being different!
Warrick

Had a read of this, Blair .. read fourteen entries ..Each chapter reads like a diary entry and I kinda like the idea of that. I think Kaal's comment below is helpful. You could enlarge your entries to include more of a sensual nature to the writing. Picking up on the sights and sounds and tastes, which would give your reader more to latch on to. You certainly have a good basis on which to build upon.

Anyway, all the best with it and have a happy Christmas ;)

Mick xx

Kia ora Blair,

Thought I'd drop by for a few chapters. You've got an interesting style -it almost feels like one of those Pick a Path books -you have very good immediacy and we are close to the characters thoughts and emotions. The inward dialogue works well and you have an economic style with good shape. I also like the short chapters -for me they play out like short scenes from a movie -an interesting and unique device -nicely done:)
I would work a little on making your descriptions of setting a little more evocative. At the moment we are very much inside the character's head. I think including a little more descriptive detail on the setting, including sensory detail (what the character sees, touches, smells etc) would make this really fly.

Happy to re-read or read over other parts you'd like comment on.

All the best,

Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

I don't normally like fantasy, Blair, but I liked this. So much so indeed, that I pushed on past 8, to 12, chapters and could easily have read more. Those short chapters, which almost read like Japanese haikus, are a fantastic device - especially when each raises more questions than answers. You're not just a great storyteller, but a sly master of "show don't tell". I know nothing about Cassandra - except her appearance and her coded dream identity - but I really want to! She's like a sci-fi Crusoe, isn't she - hugely self-reliant and highly articulate, but with dawning powers of keen sight and agility (I LOVED 'I want to bite those fish to pieces!').

Six stars from me, and will return to read more.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires