Starling

Well, I came from the forum, lured by the description and really enjoyed the read. It was pacy, unusual and well told and I've given it stars and a wait place on my watchlist. No particular negatives to point out - only one thing - in chapter one, near the end, paragraph starting 'His point made...' you have a soldier nodding in 'ascension' (to rise up) when I think you must have meant assent (agreement)? Good stuff, enjoyed it. Any more to come?

Hi Michael,
I just read the first chapter, and wow - what an opening! Thrilling action, fantastical setting, vivid descriptions - not to mention the awesome insults. The writing is impeccable, and you do a great job of introducing the your world bit by bit, allowing it to reveal itself rather than getting lost in cumbersome back stories. I don't know what else to say other than... *applause*. Highly starred!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

This is exceptional, Michael. I've read the first chapter and I'm hooked, line and sinker. I wish I could read more but I'm off out soon .. I'll be back to finish this. Can't fault anything .. your writing is fluid and pacey, dialogue is damn near perfect .. and your story is imaginative .. combine all three and you have captured my soul ... :)

In the queue for my shelf until then highly starred.

Mick

Interesting, Interesting.

The dialogue is just the right mix of archaeic grammar and simple text, to give it an otherworldly feel without sounding forced or pompous. Not an easy feat to pull off.

This is the kind of writing I love to read. Characterisation, setting, and backstory deftly painted through strokes of action and dialogue. I find that talent to be a rarity in "Fantasy" writing, which generally tends to be too heavy with prologues, explications, and discription for my tastes.

You've left we with lots of questions too, which is perfect. I like it when an author assumes his readers are capable of conscious thought, and doesn't spoon feed everything.

I enjoyed this very much so far, which is good. I've been looking for a book to fill the empty spot on my shelf.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Bob

STARLING
This is an exciting story. The sword fight in the beginning sets up the story nicely. Is a good way to introduce Starling and let your reader know this is a woman not to be messed with. I particularly like the way you introduce Braega as a heartless soldier, then let your reader see him change and become much more human as he realizes he is dying and needs Starling. Well done. I think you’ll find a wide audience for this among young adults because of the way it has just enough magic (Starling looks different every time Braega looks at her) to be intriguing but is also a story about very real people. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

What an superb start! I've just read the first chapter and am amazed at how quickly I got drawn into the world you have so deftly painted in words. You have a gift that I'm incredibly jealous of.
You have gone straight to my shelf. I can't wait to get time to read more!

Seth

Blimey, quite an opening you have there Michael. Fantasy isn't really my genre, but I did enjoy this. Plenty going on to keep the reader engaged, entertained and thirsty for more. There were parts that really stood out for me, such as Starling's remorse after defeating Braega, his realisation that he'd 'wasted' so much time, these are very human reactions which I think are quite unusual for the standard hero / heroine. I liked that a lot. I got a real sense of the world you are building here, and felt almost immediately immersed in it.

As other have said, your first chapter is very long, would it be an idea to split it where you've inserted the stars? I also found it a little over-written in places, you have a well-honed descriptive ability but it does tend to get in the way of the action. Expressions like 'trashed' and ' who's running this bloody show' also feel out of place.

Overall though, am very impressed. Good job!

Hi Michael,
I just read the first chapter, and wow - what an opening! Thrilling action, fantastical setting, vivid descriptions - not to mention the awesome insults. The writing is impeccable, and you do a great job of introducing the your world bit by bit, allowing it to reveal itself rather than getting lost in cumbersome back stories. I don't know what else to say other than... *applause*. Highly starred!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Wonderful beginning, the witch is such an unusual character. Will try to get back to read more. I was surprised that the soldier entered swinging his sword. Wouldn't he have talked or tried to capture her first since he needed information? Liked the battle scene though, made me think of Japanese movies -- Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon -- kind of floating and fighting.
Good luck in your writing,
fledglingowl

Have to agree with mstj ... this is impressive.

Starred and shelved.

Hi Michael,
So I’ve been a bad writing correspondent. You’ve helped me so much and I haven’t even checked out your book yet (save for the pitch). Well, here I am. So sorry it’s taken this long to get here. I had chocolate as a peace offering, but it’s hot and it melted and now I have chocolate pockets, so my misery there should be enough…yes?
But I digress…
Below are my findings/comments. Of course, take them as my humblest opinions.
Chapter One
I love the opening scene. Subtle, but a good hook nonetheless.
You might consider italicizing “Who could it be?” to make it clear that she’s thinking. Also, should “She wondered” be lowercased? You’re the grammar hawk, so let me know if that’s not incorrect.
“Perhaps a farmer in search of a blessing for his harvest?” See, since you break up the prose with inner thoughts of the MC, it might help make it a smoother and clearer read to italicize the parts that are direct thoughts. Just something to consider.
A potion to remedy the village maid’s dishonor? Might need to clarify what the dishonor is. Otherwise, the vagueness kind of distracts. I don’t mean to spend too much time on it, but “to clear her marks of dishonor brought on from lustful practices” or something would suffice. Context here would help the reader move on, while bringing him/her more into the story.
This is a very good opening paragraph. It’s a strong hook, while pulling the reader into the MC’s world fairly effectively.
Might just be me, but I think there ought to be a “but” after “coming”
“But she didn’t get far.” I’d drop the “But”
“had his enormous forearm…” This part just makes the sentence tedious. I’d write it in as a new sentence somehow.
“where is it?” The “W” should be capitalized. Same with “where’s what?”
There are a lot of internal questions being asked, and I wonder how effective they are in such abundance. I think whittling those down and moving the reader to asking those questions through more active language and prose might be more effective at times. Just something to think about.
I am of the opinions that exclamation marks in the prose are a bit hackneyed. Dialogue is different. Might just be me, but I’ve heard others share that sentiment.
Excellent imagery throughout.
You use an awful lot of colons. It gets to be a bit much.
Unless it’s a different style than I’m used to, following a dialogue, the “he said/she said” part is lowercased. i.e. “What do you want of me? he asked.
“low born” I think should be hyphenated here. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve never heard the term “low born”
Hmmm, after such climactic build up in the chapter, that last line is a bit anticlimactic. Doesn’t sit right with me, but I don’t have a better solution.
I love the chapter and love your writing. It’s right up my alley, as I’m a big fan of suspense. Clean and crisp, this is a truly gripping chapter. Now you’ve posed me with a problem. I already have a queue of books I intend to give some shelf time to, and now I have to add this to the list. It’s certainly worthy. An entertaining read. Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

This is exceptional, Michael. I've read the first chapter and I'm hooked, line and sinker. I wish I could read more but I'm off out soon .. I'll be back to finish this. Can't fault anything .. your writing is fluid and pacey, dialogue is damn near perfect .. and your story is imaginative .. combine all three and you have captured my soul ... :)

In the queue for my shelf until then highly starred.

Mick

Book swap review

I write my reviews as a reader, not as an agent or editor. I try not to comment on grammar or spelling unless it bothers me enough to stop reading. At that point, I find it necessary because it affected me as a reader. Anyway, I’ll take your requests into consideration as I read, and make notes along the way.

Chapter 1
- I really want to like the first line. I can definitely tell what people mean when they say that passive is bad. Passive has a purpose, of course, since it is in our language. I don’t think it’s the best way to open a book, however. The line itself is fine, but if I picked up the book based on the first line, it wouldn’t be this one.
- “But this was no half-trained conscript.” I think this paragraph could be stronger if you went right into describing his parry, and then bring in this sentence. Keep the action flowing. Half of what you’ve written in the action scenes could be tightened. Description is fine, but it makes me lost the intensity of the conflict between Starling and the man.
- I don’t think I agree with Starling giggling when she’s speaking with Braega. She may be 18, but it still seems much too girlish for the situation. She could, perhaps, laugh softly.
- This is a really interesting concept so far. The idea that Starling has a wolf’s head sounds as though it’s part of a myth/legend we have in the real world and it’s this similarity that makes me like this book.
- I’m assuming the asterisks in the text when Braega falls asleep was where you have the chapter divided. I think it would work if you actually split it there. It’s a good ending of a chapter, and the next paragraph is a perfect beginning for another chapter.
- The description of the soldiers, civilization, barbarians, all reminds me of the Roman Empire, so again, it’s nice that you’re drawing in familiar elements.
- “Remember your people, Braega. Remember who you are.” I don’t like this line. It reminds me too much of The Lion King, and all I can hear is James Earl Jones saying this line in your book. It’s kind of like the phenomenon of seeing a picture of Morgan Freeman and then reading the text in his voice. Keep the idea, but perhaps change how you write it.
- I don’t really understand the reason for the short scuffle between the Captain and the Corporal. It seemed unprovoked. And why would you make mention of the Corporal sensing rebellion? Of course he would. He’s the one causing it.

Chapter 2
- I must admit, I’m slightly confused. Even if he was dreaming, why is he being so friendly with Starling? Would he not be cautious around her?
- “I learned how in the Army. They taught us many practical things in the Army.” I think you could take out the second time you say ‘in the army.’ It’s a little redundant.
- Alright, I understand why Braega went back to Starling, but if he does regard her now as a holy shaman, I still feel as though he’s acting too friendly, and without much respect or caution.
- In the first chapter, Starling seemed so daring, and strong. Now, as she’s huddling on the floor, trembling with fear, I don’t see any of that strength.
- There was supposed to be a lot of action in this chapter, but as with previous conflicts, there was so much description and detail that it didn’t really have much of an effect on me. Honestly, I wanted to skim through most of it to only read the action bits of it.


There are definitely areas in which you could tighten the writing. I have the habit of being excessive, I know, but it’s always easier to see it in someone else’s writing than in one’s own. I’ve tried to point out a few places in my chapter notes.

There are times I forget that she has the head of a dog. You describe her movements and facial expressions as human expressions. Maybe you could shift it to some canine equivalent.

I can see why people would have a hard time reading all of that text on the screen, but I would keep it the way it is. There’s no reason to change it for people who can’t bother to read the entire chapter anyway.

Overall, I think it’s an interesting book. You introduce the characters quickly and by the end of the second chapter, the plot begins and the background has been mostly set. Mind you, the chapters are quite long, but they’re chapters nonetheless.

Hopefully you found some of my notes helpful.
- Nichole

Great stuff, Michael

I started reading and soon became immersed in the story. I like the way that this chapter does not keep the reader waiting too long before the plot, through action, setting and dialogue, begins to crystallize. One needs only to read the first chapter to either be drawn into the narrative or not read any further. First impressions can certainly be significant in this regard. I am impressed, and look forward to further reading of this work.

New format for Starling

Chapters 1 and 2 are now contained in a single document, each. Hopefully this will eliminate part of the disorientation experienced by some readers which may have been exacerbated by the fact that the text was not contiguous.

Chapter 3 is in three parts, which are labelled as such!

Chapter 4 is in a single document.

Hope this helps.

Hi!

Okay, comments on chapter 2.

Regarding whether you should or shouldn't split your original chapter 1 into two to better accommodate the site, I think you could actually leave it the way it is (in two parts). Only, if you chose to do that, I would suggest adding a lead-in sentence or something to remind readers that Braega is under the influence of Starling's 'elixir'. I had read chapter 1 only yesterday and by today, I had already forgotten that detail so I was totally surprised to begin the read with Braega awake and chatting with his comrades.

Now, this is interesting. I am glad to see that in this chapter, we get to learn more of Braega. There is still a lot of mystery around who or what he is, though we do get some clues from the father. I am glad to say he's becoming more likeable though I still have a problem with him. I followed the sequence of events from the beginning of the chapter to his decision to end it all later on, but the whole development seemed a little fast. The situation at the army camp is what drives him out of the army into Starling's hut, but its details are brushed over and the whole story is summarized in a few lines. More than that, alcohol was involved and surely contributed to his fall, but I still get the feeling that the depths to which he sunk seemed extreme, and therefore, his behaviour was hard for me to believe. It's like an important part of the 'realization process' was skipped, and without it, his behaviour seems juvenile and he appears unstable and like a jerk (sorry). To me, it's okay for a character to act like this if I can grasp WHY. I need something to, if not justify, at least better explain the motivation behind the behaviour. For example, I think it would help if during his epiphany, he recognized that for years he had actually been denying how he felt about his loneliness, and now that it is revealed plainly to him, the force of that realization drives him to do what he does.

The sequence with the father is confusing. As soon as I hit the chisel part, I had to stop and reread to make sure I hadn't missed anything. Then as I continued to read, I realized he was having a vision, so I went back and reread the section again to make sure I hadn't missed the lead-in to the vision. You may want to look at that again in an attempt to smooth out the transition from him being in the field to the start of the vision.

Regarding the father's explanation about the dog-heads and oracles, I'm not sure I follow it all. The dog-heads gave birth to the oracles, which I get the feeling were NOT mortal? How does mortal give birth to something immortal? (I can guess but I'd rather have the details presented so I don't spend the rest of the book wondering if I'm right). At this point, the reader has no real understanding of the religions that exist in this world, so you might want to give us some more clues. Right now, I know there is a King's religion of sorts and some pagan religions. But what is the interplay between them? How are they connected, what is their individual or collective history? It's only chapter two, but some hints to better define them would really be helpful.

Points to consider clarifying: About the, “For twenty-five years” at the beginning, I had assumed he was 25 years old. “Twenty-five years on the front-lines” means he's obviously older than 25. You might want to clarify his age (or not. It might be just me who assumed too much). It might still help to do this since as it stands now, I'm assuming he's much older than I thought and Starling herself is only18, if I remember right.

I like the ending line a lot.

The love scene is one of the most beautiful things you've written in the two chapters so far. Very nicely done.

As usual, the writing is well done and there are a few cleverly phrases, which I liked a lot.

It's late and I'm rushing this review a bit, so if there is anything I've written that isn't clear, please let me know and I'd be glad to clarify. :)

Take care,
Dyane

Hi,

So I read chapter one and have included my review below. Since I can't comment on the technical aspects of the writing, my comments are based entirely on my thoughts and reactions during the read and are, therefore, only my humblest opinions. That said, I think knowing how a reader experiences the book we have written is important, so I hope you find my comments useful. :)

For some reason, despite the information presented about Starling, I still don't feel I have the slightest sense of who she is yet. Am I supposed to like her, be disgusted by her, or empathize with her? I know it's the first chapter and so it's our introduction to her, but I would have liked to have been given something to make me identify with her. We have some idea that she's at least part human, but the dog-head aspect is sort of repulsive and I actually felt myself detaching from her. Perhaps this was purposely done so that as time passes we grow to like her? I do think, though, that if something were added at this point to humanize her, then the chapter might have felt a little more satisfying as well as pave the way, from from the beginning, for the future development of her character and cinch our attachment to her.

At this point, Braega gets no points from me at all. He's totally unsympathetic and brutal. Even when he was lying, bound, on the bed, I didn't care. I hope that as I read, my perception of him will change, since I assume these are the two people I am supposed to care about and who will carry me through the book.

What I thought was missing, too, was some information about where the story was taking place, some hints about the time or century, or if this based in “our world” or a parallel world. I ended the read feeling a little lost. Again, it's a first chapter, but some added details might help the reader feel more grounded in the story and increase the sense of realism.

What I did like, is that you skillfully sowed enough seeds of interest and curiosity in my mind that I really do want to know what the story is about and how it will develop over time. Also, the action sequences were nicely done, and the dialogue was strong, too. The descriptions were well communicated, as it was quite easy to visualize what was happening.

Below I have included a few points for possible clarification:

“scythed down on to the stool AGAIN and AGAIN,” gave me the impression that the stool she was shielding herself with was substantial, but in actual fact, it appears to be quite flimsy so that one hit might break it. It just seemed inconsistent to me.

“slight and slender”: I am not sure you need both of those adjectives. They are similar enough to one another.

“Summer games”: This immediately conjured up the image of the modern Olympics. I know ancient cultures had their own games and contests, but at reading the name Summer games, I couldn't help but think about it.

Again, these comments are entirely subjective and you are free to ignore what you don't agree with. I will continue to read, as am left with too many unanswered questions turning around in my head. :) I will add comments as I go.

Dyane

I read chapter 1. I don't like Sword and Sorcery, and I'm not much of a critic anyway so I can't really say, but Starling is a good title and the characterisation worked. The action seems to be judged well for the genre, the right amount of spells, swordfights and blood. This is what I can never get about Fantasy, what you can and can't do so I am envious. I don't know the genre. You must have read a lot. When I tried to write Fantasy, it was deemed Bizarro and Speculative Fiction, genres I don't really like. You've judged it well and it will be a success. Good luck.

So I checked out your book and read the frist five chapters so far. I'm really interested in the plot and I have to say its very original. You do a fantastic job of making me pity and fear Starling. You've made her both fearsome and slightly insecure at the same time which is something difficult to do. Braega's character is well written as well. I can't wait to read more about him. The dialogue flows well. One thing I would have to say is, although your descriptions are usually quite visual and lovely, at times it seems there are a few too many words to stumble over...

like chpt 1: "the intruder grinned at her through his grimace of pain..." This one goes on quite long. Also his "close-cropped, almost shaven scalp"...seems a bit redundant.
I would just try skimming out some of the excess descriptor words.

Chpt 2: I think I get that this chapter opens with his herb-enduced dream...but I was a bit confused. If this was something that happened in the past I almost feel like it needed a bit more of a expanation. Maybe just a simple heading like ...a few years earlier...or something(probably not so cheezy but you get the idea)

Loved the opening paragraph to chapter 3. Fantastic visuals. I was a little thrown by his nightly wood-carving. She says "you were busy last night", but I thought he was in a sleep-induced coma having recollections of the past? I do like the idea that he gets clarity in the simple act, but maybe this needed a bit more of an explanation in the earlier chapter after his revisited past?

I'm very intrigued with where the story is going. I think its off to a great start and I'm into the characters and excited to find out where their journeys will lead. Good stuff,

Sara
War of the Wastelands

Interesting, Interesting.

The dialogue is just the right mix of archaeic grammar and simple text, to give it an otherworldly feel without sounding forced or pompous. Not an easy feat to pull off.

This is the kind of writing I love to read. Characterisation, setting, and backstory deftly painted through strokes of action and dialogue. I find that talent to be a rarity in "Fantasy" writing, which generally tends to be too heavy with prologues, explications, and discription for my tastes.

You've left we with lots of questions too, which is perfect. I like it when an author assumes his readers are capable of conscious thought, and doesn't spoon feed everything.

I enjoyed this very much so far, which is good. I've been looking for a book to fill the empty spot on my shelf.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Bob

You have some great ideas here. A good voice and interesting characters. Your dialogue seems fine as well and an interesting start. I do want to say that maybe a little texture to your writing would really help keep the readers focused in. Maybe a few shorter paragraphs and sentence lengths would work great. Also maybe look at your dialogue tags and see if you could clean them up just a bit. But I think this is a great start and I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

There is plenty here to please the fan and many original touches - I already like Starling. I agree about the length of your chapters. I was advised to have a reasonably short first chapter to capture your reader's interest, then gradually extend. Bit of gobbledygook at the end of chapter 1.

Chapters 1 and 2 have now been updated with a more Authonomy-friendly text layout including a change of font to Ariel.

UPDATE: additional changes include reducing chapter sizes to make scrolling the text less of a problem.

Thanks for the feedback.

STARLING-

Here is your review of your first chapter per our first chapter read swap agreement. I comment mainly as a reader, since I don’t feel that qualified to discuss grammar issues. So just take what rings true and pitch the rest. Okay, so here are my thoughts:

Short pitch: Loved it. You have a lot going on here, but somehow you have managed to condense it to the required word limit.

Long pitch: This strikes me as something that I would normally gravitate towards. But, the plot seems like it could be rather complex. I’m interested to see how you are going to handle the different POV of the main characters. But I already think that this story is going to have a lot of potential. Now just to see how it is executed. ☺

Chapter 1-

You write beautifully. It has a poetic quality to it that I’m really enjoying. But, I’m afraid you are going to be told to tighten up the writing. This all comes down to a matter of personal taste, but I really enjoy the descriptions. I do agree with one of the commenters below, because of the lengthy description of the scenes, I think this could benefit from being broken up into smaller paragraphs. I found myself skimming, then going back to read your description.

Your first chapter is also too long, in my opinion. At least for Autho. The attention span of most reader’s here won’t get past 1,000 words. It’s different when you are flipping a page versus scrolling down a page. There are no breaks for the eyes. So even if you have to break it up just to attract more readers, I would suggest doing so. I like the shamanism elements and some of the pagan symbolism that is in this first chapter. You have clearly done your research. Good job with that. I am giving you five stars. Best of luck with your book!

Ashley
“Maddy Hatifeld and the Magic Locket”

i think you have a really interesting story here, but the large paragraphs you have kind of threw me off. my eyes got tired and i really just wanted to rush through them. my suggestion would be cutting them in two. i really liked your dialogue though- sounded realistic to me.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Good flow of narrative so far and an interesting proposed plot. This novel has potential - keep at it.

One word: Thrilling. I have starred this and added it to my watchlist. From the beginning it weaves a magical, thrilling and interesting storyline. Your descriptions really make the words leap from the screen into life painting a perfect picture of the story. Great job. 6/6 stars. It really hooks readers and it's only two chapters in!

-- Elizabeth Raine

well done, here are some characters who will show us war, lust, and a lot of other interesting things , some really nice elements, the woman with the wolf head for example, the mixing of lust and spirituality, i think what i would have liked to see from the characters is a little less self consignance of their history and needs as they battled in the first scene, i know authors like to get the elements of their world and the story introduced early so they have them in place for the unfloding of the drama, but perhaps a little less at first, the fight scenes are nicely written and can stand alone without a lot of added information, nonetheless good writing, long sentences but phrased well, i will keep it on my watch list, look back at it, star it high, best wishes

Hi Michael
I enjoyed this - nice work on the fight scene - felt it flowed well and had some nice descriptive writing throughout. No big probs with the style. Spotted 2 grammaticals - "tattooes" should be "tattoos" and "decrepid" should be "decrepit" not much I know but every little helps. I've starred and added to my watchlist.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Oh yes, there is more to come, but I have to balance editing and uploading onto Authonomy with finishing it at the other end! I hope to stick Chapter 3 up soon, however.

Thanks for reading!

Well, I came from the forum, lured by the description and really enjoyed the read. It was pacy, unusual and well told and I've given it stars and a wait place on my watchlist. No particular negatives to point out - only one thing - in chapter one, near the end, paragraph starting 'His point made...' you have a soldier nodding in 'ascension' (to rise up) when I think you must have meant assent (agreement)? Good stuff, enjoyed it. Any more to come?