The Travellers

Jaysan,

I found this to be an easy read and the story to be very grasping. The main theme of the story is inventive and makes for entertainig reading. I have enjoyed reading up to the present chapter posted and hope to see the balance of them posted soon. I think this book has good possibilities and is worth the time to read. I'm sure anyone who enjoys a good scifi read will enjoy reading this work. It is well written and easy to follow.

Good luck with the rest of the chapters.
Brian/ Gone Critical: I Should Have Died.

I have dipped in and out of the chapters of 'The Travellers'. The writing is natural and flows well. The writer knows where he is headed and the ease of the writing does not ever distract from the unfolding of the story.

I touch on time travel myself in my young adult fiction elsewhere on-site, so I have deeply researched the Casimir effect and more. The technical detail in the work has obviously been well researched but does not dominate. The writer is not showboating. The confidence in the writing makes for a believable backdrop to the theories in play.

I rarely comment on typos or syntax unless they glare. There was only fine, well edited writing here.

Highly starred and watch-listed for a future and fuller read.

I only hope that the book is complete (if not here on site) because a reader and an agent or publisher would like to know how the story reaches a satisfactory conclusion.

TRAVELLERS
This is an interesting story. I like the whole idea of time travel; this story ups that a notch by making Jayson’s reason for time travel is so he can kill his father and prevent his own birth. Jayson is a likable character from the start by the way his bones creak; his confusion over exactly when in time he has arrived makes him sympathetic. Ruthless (love her name) is a good contrast to him; much more willing to take risks. Overall, I think you’ve created an enjoyable sci-fi read. (a small thing: my spell checker insists the word travellers only has one L). Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Paul,
Science fiction is a difficult genre for writers reaching out to the endless universe to come back with something believable and entertaining. Certainly you've accomplished such a feat with "The Travellers" allowing the reader to cavort with Jaysan across the length and breadth of your imagination. You have a penchant for elaborate, lengthy narrative interspersed with sparse dialogue, a winning formula given your delightful word choices. Thank you for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Jaysan,
Forgive me for taking so long to read your work. I think you have a very vivid story and I'd love to read more.

I read the first chapter and I like the plot, although it took a lot of time to get things going. There were a few distrations: "The man that fell to Earth" brings up another work from another author, which my mind wandered to. I also read the name Jaysan so many times it felt like a cadence in my ears rather than action. I also found myself popping into his head and then looking at the frown on his face through the other character's perspective. I also saw a lot of things written in the passive tone " camers could be seen" where as a more active sentence like " black cameras lined the walls like ravens watching every move." Remember this is just my opinion, you can throw it by the way side as bunk, but you are trying to create suspense and build drama so show don't tell and let the reader slide into jaysan's skin a bit more. Evoke more of his senses like you did in the first several paragraphs. I started to feel a little detached from Jaysan as I read further. perhaps that is what you were going for - a dream state. I just think you have something with potential if you remove the distractions, bring more active verbs and not use Jaysan's name so much but show how this situation is affecting him on multiple levels. Great stuff. Keep it up.
Thanks for the invitation.
Connie,
Moonstone Beach

Hi Jaysan,

I read your newest chapter of "The Travellers". This is taking an interesting turn. This council of ‘Jaysan’s trying to correct the time disaster by exploiting the grandfather paradox? Wow, so much could go wrong there . . . and these parallel worlds seem scary – everything, even your own history and identity, is rearranged, not to mention the travel between dimensions seems to be frighteningly similar to falling fast without any sense of what is up or down, just before you splatter . . . kind of fun in a twisted way. I sure do hope Jaysan has a plan.

Dear Jaysan,
I've continued my read from where I was, on Chapter 3, and read all you've posted on the site today. In addition to my first comment 35 days ago, I can easily say that you know how to keep the dynamism of your story --thanks to your original writing style and imagination.

Watch-listed and 6 stars remain,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

This is clever. You draw the reader in enough for them to go away and do all the work. I found that if I read a little of this book and then walked away, it had me guessing all day until I could get back to it. There is a smooth flow to it and an interesting journey which again you drip feed us enough to keep me wanting more and come back to the book. Superb and very clever. Loved it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or a Watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Hi Jayson- I read chapters three and four of "The Travellers" and enjoyed it. I knew right off that I was in for something unique. The way you handle the dialog in the first paragraph of chapter three is both different and cool. You take chances with your style, I will give you that. I cannot say whether everyone will like it but I do.

You do not however; use semicolons; the correct way.

"You're from a future I don't want in a past you don't remember and you're here to save mankind." - Nice!

Do you not like commas, eh? Or periods, for that matter? "Mr Pickles"- Funny as hell. Great story. I like the tech. Good luck with it!

The premise and idea of the novel is an outstanding idea, I've always had a fascination with time travel based novels. The peril and countless consequences that could come through this story is something I look forward to, also the outlook on cause and effect.

Backing and rating five stars with much faith this will be a winner.

With respect,

Darren.

Jaysan,

I found this to be an easy read and the story to be very grasping. The main theme of the story is inventive and makes for entertainig reading. I have enjoyed reading up to the present chapter posted and hope to see the balance of them posted soon. I think this book has good possibilities and is worth the time to read. I'm sure anyone who enjoys a good scifi read will enjoy reading this work. It is well written and easy to follow.

Good luck with the rest of the chapters.
Brian/ Gone Critical: I Should Have Died.

The Travellers
I decided to return and read more of this book. I’ve always enjoyed the notion of time travel and have enjoyed reading this book. The style and pace is nice.

Chapter 4, I’m not sure if some of your personal notes have appeared here or if they were intentional!

OMG - I uploaded the wrong edit of the chapter, doh!!! talk about giving the plot away, time to edit (LOL) Cant beleive I never read what I uploaded - Thanks for pointing it out to me and thanks for your comments.

The Travellers
I decided to return and read more of this book. I’ve always enjoyed the notion of time travel and have enjoyed reading this book. The style and pace is nice.

There were a few minor formatting errors or typos:
Chapter 1, paragraph 19, “Here” should be “Here.”, i.e. you need a full stop.
“Thirty seconds” needs a full stop.
Chapter 2, “I wish I could move that fast,”, comma inside not outside the quotation marks. You’ve done this in several places.
‘A frown of disbelief came across Jaysans face.’, use full stop not ‘/’.
Subsequent sentence needs a full stop.
Chapter 4, I’m not sure if some of your personal notes have appeared here or if they were intentional!

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

I've put your book on my shelf.

I'd appreciate it if you'd read and comment on mine.

Regards,

Thom Stark

I have read the first two chapters and am impressed with how engagingly it is written, maintaining the reader's interest throughout. The initial build-up is very skilfully done, creating some intriguing mysteries for later in the story. As with any good sci-fi, this does not make a meal of introducing its world, but allows the reader's knowledge of the setting to come through the interactions of the characters. I have placed this on my watchlist and look forward to seeing how it will develop.

Adrian (Pozzo)

Appreciated, thanks for the comments and thanks to all those who have commented recently. Its all good. With yours and others continued support I hope many more get the chance to read it, the editors desk is a bonus, all I hope is that people read it and want to read more. Thanks again one and all.

I have read the first two chapters and am impressed with how engagingly it is written, maintaining the reader's interest throughout. The initial build-up is very skilfully done, creating some intriguing mysteries for later in the story. As with any good sci-fi, this does not make a meal of introducing its world, but allows the reader's knowledge of the setting to come through the interactions of the characters. I have placed this on my watchlist and look forward to seeing how it will develop.

Adrian (Pozzo)

Hi Paul,
I just read the first chapter of The Travellers, and checked your website as well. Your MCs Ruth(less) and Jaysan are fused into the plot in a timely manner, and your descriptions are superb.

Except a few missing commas and a few long sentences that can be shortened for a better effect, your manuscript shines and stands out in its genre.
“No worries(’), falling off a motorcycle is nothing compared to falling out of the sky, but I guess you know more about me than I know about myself.” (') not necessary.

I liked your writing style and your third-person voice is clear, making it easy to follow. Your descriptions and literary technique certainly delivers.

Highly starred and look forward to seeing how the story will unfold,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

:-) Fun stuff Jaysan! I cant remember if you wanted to swap, but I had you on my list to read, and finally got to your book.

When I read your pitch it made me think "wow!" this is huge! How is he going to do this?
Very complicated plot! you have a fascinating mind! very intricate- fast moving- . :-)
I dont know of a harder job than to describe something that you have only seen in your imagination. and that is what you have to do throughout this whole book. So, yah, you have a tough job and you are doing great. Your writing is clear, fresh and easy to follow. I love the regular twists and turns, and I love that I can keep up. I did have more trouble keeping up in chapter 4, but it was getting late and my eyes were getting tired. :-)

Your characters are fun. They are each unique and bright. They bring a light to the story that could otherwise be a very dark type of science fiction. I really like that. I feel the intensity of the situation but have hope through the brightness of the characters, that they will be successful and all will be set right. Your characters draw me to them and make me want to be a part of the story.

I did find a few things you might want to look at and just see if you want to make some edits. I dont pretend to be an editor. I'm just a reader who would pass on awkward things that I see, for you to ponder if it is important for you to change.

You like to make peoples smiles or frowns "grow across their face" or their forehead. I dont know if I've ever seen a frown grow across a forehead, though I have seen a brow bend with a frown. There are many ways to express a frown or a smile. even as simply as "he lit up" etc. You will know what to put. I just think sometimes we need to go back and give our normal "habits" and extra thought or two.

Another writing habit of yours that I noticed was that you use "started to" a lot. "started to jump." "started to caress," also "Became a roar," "it GOT closer," The roar GOT louder." and there are more.
Your action will go smoother for the reader if we can just read them "doing" and not "starting to do" --- "He jumped," He caressed" "The roar grew . . ." with just a little more thought you could come up with some much more powerful verbs than "got", "became," and "started" etc.

Conflict in connotation - you wrote, "civilization loomed, shimmering like a mirage in the haze of the rising heat." I love the picture! but the two words- "loomed" and "shimmering" have contradicting connotations. "Loomed" is scary and dreary and "shimmering" is exciting and beautiful. You might want to decide which way you are intending here and stick with one.

then there is this really long sentence! "She then started to jump (there's that "started to"- again :-) ) about with excitement little screams interspaced each word as she mumbled to herself words Jaysan could into hear but to him it seemed like she was a bit mad . . . . . . . . .walking on hot coals would have been a calmer experience." Maybe this was done on purpose to introduce the craziness of Ruthless, but if not, maybe just look at it again. :-) whew! but I do love the character, Ruthless. :-)

the paragraph describing the house ought to be its own paragraph.
"Paintings adorned the remainder of the walls stretch(ing)? high to the ceiling . . "
"Jaysan twisted "there" or "their" locked grasp. . ." ??

Other than that, I really feel like you have a great gift for writing. :-) I loved the stuff like, "the tear following the wrinkled down the face, " and
"a drowning man could not have grasped a piece of wood tighter." and
"cursing the vagaries of time that caused him to get old."

Anyways, NICE! a fun story , very curious and intriguing, holds my interest in every paragraph with a light hope that many of these "end of the world " books just cant offer.

Thanks for the invite to read. Would love your honest and helpful comments on my book if you get a chance.
It is how I am learning to write. and I love to learn from the best. :-)
thanks!
Jeannette Singleton
Journey to Kalado're

Hi Paul,

I finally got around to reading your book, all of it. It's a very unique plot. I used to watch many science fiction shows on the hypotheticals of time travel, and one rule indeed was it wouldn't be possible to travel back in time any further than the moment when the time machine was powered up. Interesting to see that again. I'm not sure quite yet what to think of the characters, though it was funny to hear Ruth call her weapon 'Mr. Pickles'. Haha, wonder how she thought that up. The guy called 'Daddy' was cool. I'm interested to see what the Lavals are like, and where Jaysan's journey leads. At the end of the fourth chapter you've got here, I have no idea . . .

The man who fell to earth checked his senses
I thought the second sentence is inconsequential.
,
Maria x

Thank you for your comments really helpful - The number of people who have commented on that line, all I will say is the line is significant and has meaning. I hope once compete and people read the whole book they will say 'Ahhh thats why its there'

Dear Paul,
As i read The Travellers, images of the old TV series Stargate came to mind constantly. I was sorry when it was over and, who knows? perhaps your story would give the producers something to think about.
A couple of observations in the first two chapters. This is just my opinion and i have been know to be wrong, so take it with a grain of salt and discard if necessary.:)
"For a long time, Jaysan lay still on the soft earth as he tried to find his bearings. The man who fell to earth checked his senses"
I thought the second sentence is inconsequential.
"Ivy was climbing up the east wall."
Ivy climbed up the east wall.
"Who was she and how did could she know so much about him."
get rid of 'did'.
Another sentence that made me pause:
"Hanging on became Jaysan's only mission as he now grabbed for anything within reach."
They're both on the motorcycle, speeding away, and the only thing (i imagine) within his reach is her body, so perhaps that sentence can be worded differently.
Chap. two, fifth para.
"Jaysan twisted there locked grasp..."
Jaysan twisted their locked grasp.
As a whole, i enjoyed what i read of The Travellers and loock forward to reading more.
High stars and placed in line for the shelf.
Smiles,
Maria x

Dear Paul,

I was happy to return to THE TRAVELLER. Let me once again say that you have a very unique storyline here that can open itself to numerous possibilities. Your time-travelling, dimension-hopping protagonist has a certain comic-book flavour that can certainly be of advantage, given the fact that superhero movies are what blockbusters are made of these days. And once again, I noted the terrific visual quality of the first chapter beginning with Jaysan falling through the wormhole. But, as noted before, there are still a few editing/proof-reading issues that need to be tackled. I’d recommend enlisting the help of a professional editor, but if you’d like me to tweak the first chapter for you as an example, I’d be happy to do so. My e-mail ID is given on my page.

Best regards,
AGC

Your approach to science fiction is unique in the sense that your style makes it approachable and easy to follow without losing the flavour of the genre. Read up to chapter 18 and wished there was more. Good luck.

Hello,
Quite an interesting story you have. I feel sorry for poor Jaysan, having to come back and kill his own father and essentially, himself. Time travel stories always intrigue me. If only we could actually go back and change the past to make a better future...Anyways, great story line and good writing. As far as critiques go, I thought maybe a bit more expansion on how Jaysan felt about killing his own father would be good, but I've only read the first chapter so you might actually touch on that more later on. Best of luck to you. High stars.
-Julie Rainey
The Journey Home

Thanks for the comments, the story is full of twists and turns and the killing of your father in a time travel story is as old as the hills, in this case its a red herring - You will need to read on to find out whats happening ;)

Hello,
Quite an interesting story you have. I feel sorry for poor Jaysan, having to come back and kill his own father and essentially, himself. Time travel stories always intrigue me. If only we could actually go back and change the past to make a better future...Anyways, great story line and good writing. As far as critiques go, I thought maybe a bit more expansion on how Jaysan felt about killing his own father would be good, but I've only read the first chapter so you might actually touch on that more later on. Best of luck to you. High stars.
-Julie Rainey
The Journey Home

After finishing chapter 2.
There are a number of proof-reader errors that should be corrected. Hopefully, you have someone to read through and point them out. Examples from Chapter 2:
“offered as smile as acknowledgement” s/b offered a smile as.
‘brighten then mood” s/b brighten the mood.
Returning to my earlier comment about punctuation and choice of tense, here are two examples: “Dr Monroe has moved off to the back of the pit and left via a sliding door.” In my opinion, the use of “has” is inconsistent with sentences in the rest of the paragraph, although “has” “left” is perfectly valid.
“Holographic television had been around for a while so no surprises until that is the deep authoritative voice bounced off the walls.” I had to reread this sentence to understand it. It would have been better as: “Holographic television had been around for a while so no surprises until, that is, the deep authoritative voice bounced off the walls.”
Of course, this is all my opinion, and I am far from an expert. I have found this type of comment helpful with my own novel, Hosting. (I just had to get a plug in.)

I last did an update on the 20th but that was just to change the cover and name, i have been in editors hell for some months now and I am glad to say some of what you mention I have already corrected. I guess I will do an updated upload later next month.

After finishing chapter 2.
There are a number of proof-reader errors that should be corrected. Hopefully, you have someone to read through and point them out. Examples from Chapter 2:
“offered as smile as acknowledgement” s/b offered a smile as.
‘brighten then mood” s/b brighten the mood.
Returning to my earlier comment about punctuation and choice of tense, here are two examples: “Dr Monroe has moved off to the back of the pit and left via a sliding door.” In my opinion, the use of “has” is inconsistent with sentences in the rest of the paragraph, although “has” “left” is perfectly valid.
“Holographic television had been around for a while so no surprises until that is the deep authoritative voice bounced off the walls.” I had to reread this sentence to understand it. It would have been better as: “Holographic television had been around for a while so no surprises until, that is, the deep authoritative voice bounced off the walls.”
Of course, this is all my opinion, and I am far from an expert. I have found this type of comment helpful with my own novel, Hosting. (I just had to get a plug in.)

I have read the first chapter and a number of the comments you have received. I enjoyed the flow of your writing, the story, and the tone. I think you have talent.
Unfortunately, I found the lack of punctuation disturbed the flow for me. I don’t like having to stop, and reread a sentence, in order to figure out what was meant, when a few commas would have clarified it.
I also had trouble with some of your word choices but perhaps I haven’t read enough to see what you are attempting to do. I plan to read at least another chapter to answer that question. Some of the problems I encountered were:
“speed became the only emotion.” I think of speed as a sensation rather than an emotion.
“crashing to the floor” My understanding is he is on a driveway therefore, I would expect ground instead of floor.
“Jayson was stood there..” Is this supposed to mean he was left standing there? This is similar to the use of ‘sat’ “with someone sat upon it”.
Now I will read chapter two.

It's a really good story. I've read the first chapter. The only thing I can see is that you use Ruth and Ruthless and it might get confusing if you use both. I can't wait for the next installment!

Good story, when are you going to complete it? Looking forward to the completed book. No serious negative points but surprised that you haven't corrected typos etc mentioned by others.

I found your style captivating and eloquent. Very entertaining and well witten. You have tackled time travel with originality, sensitivity and great imagination. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

If you solve the problem I've mentioned, that is, a workaround the infinite nature of time, let me know. I'd love to hear it.
Best Wishes: 5 stars.
Daniel
The Makers
PS. If you have a chance, please read and comment on my book. Thank you.

Thanks for your kind words, most appreciated, I also think I have "Solved" the problem you mentioned in the final chapter that is already writen but not uploaded, I dont want to reveal the reveal here until the book is finished but if your want the final chapter send me your email and I will let you see it.

I very much enjoy your book and your writing. I've read many but not all of your chapters. Nice avoidance of the grandfather paradox. However, as with almost all time travel plots that allow travel to the past and the ability to change the past in order to improve the future, I don't see how you deal with the problem of always having farther futureward entities (hopefully human but perhaps not) having better technology, always able to change the past in their favor. Unless you arrange for time to end (hard to do), there would always be somebody or something farther futureward to mess things up. Nonetheless there are many enjoyable time travel books that just don't bother with the problem I've mentioned (one of my favorites is the Time Patrol series by Poul Andersen). I'm sure yours, when finished, will be among those very enjoyable books. If you solve the problem I've mentioned, that is, a workaround the infinite nature of time, let me know. I'd love to hear it.
Best Wishes: 5 stars.
Daniel
The Makers
PS. If you have a chance, please read and comment on my book. Thank you.

"Galactic proportions" is certainly the word to describe what you have proposed here. Your premise is quite deep and boarders on the intimidating. The challenge now is how well you would rise up to delivering what you have proposed in the pitch. Despite how increasingly popular the "time travel" them has become, I must admit that I have very little first hand experience with it by way of reading. Guess I am not a huge fan of anything "fantastic." Thanks for the opportunity to leave a line on this.

I like your book a lot and am putting it on my shelf. Hope it continues to do well.

That opening sequence was very good. I could just picture it. A lot of description in that first chapter. But it was good. Well-written.

Abby

Engaging premise and brilliant writing. You also do a good work of pitching it. I ought to have commented on your book earlier than this, but haven't been able to due to some constraints I have just gone past. And this is just an initial comment. I am just trying to get back into the groove on this site and expect to leave a more detailed comment soon. Thanks.

I have dipped in and out of the chapters of 'The Travellers'. The writing is natural and flows well. The writer knows where he is headed and the ease of the writing does not ever distract from the unfolding of the story.

I touch on time travel myself in my young adult fiction elsewhere on-site, so I have deeply researched the Casimir effect and more. The technical detail in the work has obviously been well researched but does not dominate. The writer is not showboating. The confidence in the writing makes for a believable backdrop to the theories in play.

I rarely comment on typos or syntax unless they glare. There was only fine, well edited writing here.

Highly starred and watch-listed for a future and fuller read.

I only hope that the book is complete (if not here on site) because a reader and an agent or publisher would like to know how the story reaches a satisfactory conclusion.

Paul, I have read your recent chapters and like what you are doing with the aliens. I don't know how far into the book Chapter 17 and 18 are, but can you introduce the aliens earlier in the book and what their purpose is? You mention them in some spots, but not to this detail. Maybe go into an alternate timeline where Jaysan deals with them.

TRAVELLERS
This is an interesting story. I like the whole idea of time travel; this story ups that a notch by making Jayson’s reason for time travel is so he can kill his father and prevent his own birth. Jayson is a likable character from the start by the way his bones creak; his confusion over exactly when in time he has arrived makes him sympathetic. Ruthless (love her name) is a good contrast to him; much more willing to take risks. Overall, I think you’ve created an enjoyable sci-fi read. (a small thing: my spell checker insists the word travellers only has one L). Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Paul,
Science fiction is a difficult genre for writers reaching out to the endless universe to come back with something believable and entertaining. Certainly you've accomplished such a feat with "The Travellers" allowing the reader to cavort with Jaysan across the length and breadth of your imagination. You have a penchant for elaborate, lengthy narrative interspersed with sparse dialogue, a winning formula given your delightful word choices. Thank you for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Paul, I hope you can update this book soon and add more chapters.

Still working on it, real life got in the way. Will update soon. Thanks for your continued support.

Paul, I hope you can update this book soon and add more chapters.

SF 42 review

The story is great and, given the subject of my book, one I have thought a bit about. You build the suspense well and explain the situation enough so as the reader is adequately filled in to the technology behind the scenes. My main concern would be with pacing and the mix of “telling,” “showing,” and dialogue. I sometimes felt a bit overwhelmed with large paragraphs and slightly bulky sentences. This is the hardest thing to get right in the opening chapters (I suffer from the same problem) as the reader has to have the stage set before the story can really take off – this is doubly true for “time” novels where the reader also has to get used to or educated into a way of looking at things so that they don’t just give up on the plot twists. It is hard to edit out or par down sections that stand alone as good writing and are well crafted in themselves but in the first couple of chapters you may have to do a bit. After that, the pace picks up and the novel progresses well. You have a few quirks with grammar, how you handle dialogue (technically not content) and some flipping of POV that may need addressing but a very enjoyable read and highly stared.
You may want to consider joining the SF forum as they provide very good reviews and assistance:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/87439/sci-fi-critique-group-2-0-sf42/

Below are some perhaps pedantic points for the 1st 2 chapters (where the editor’s axe falls). I am not an editor so may have missed things or be wrong about the points here – in the end they are just observations and I hope they help.
Chap1
- 76 years || seventy six years (generally type out numbers)
- Jayson7s words || Jayson’s words
- …looked to an old pub || …looked toward/at/ an
- …fixated on different faces ||fixed on
Chap 2
- ..more like a hall than a hallway full of grandeur… || ..more like a hall than a hallway with its grandeur… (“than a hallway full of grandeur” = one phrase describing the “hall” if not broken up)
- …and physical condition he ended up… ||…and physical condition, he ended up…
- …brighten then mood… || the mood
- While white walls…. || this sentence can’t start with “While” unless something happens while the primary clause is happening or is contrasted to it.
- “fixated” = a frame of mind where someone can’t stop thinking about something, not a way of looking at things. Maybe use : Jayson’s eyes were held by the globe…
- …13 weeks was not just || the thirteen weeks were not just
- As Jason watched a man approached… || As Jason watched, a man approached...
- …no surprises until that is the deep… || …no surprises until, that is, the deep…


A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

Finished through chapter 17. Very good so far. I hope you add more soon.

great changes. Everything flows well and is a very interesting story. Incredibly ominous, i know it made me keep wanting to read! Highly starred.

Joe,
The Hooligans Of Kandahar

Good transition change you made in Chapter 7 from the previous. I am going to have to reread that rest.

Everything goes very well in chapter one, and I like it. When Ruth arrives, the point of view shifts to be Jayson’s. He, “cringes at what he saw before him”. “This woman oozed confidence” “She said it as though she meant it.” All this is Jayson’s observation, which is very good.

It would be fun to try looking at the opening from the same point of view. Jayson’s. So instead of looking up to the sky to see Jayson arrive, it’s described as he sees it, looking down. What’s it really like to drop out of the sky like that? That’s what I was asking. Then when Ruth arrives, I’d get that consistency of Jayson’s point of view. It’s just a thought.

I can see you’re having great fun writing The Travellers, and it’s a seriously brilliant achievement. You’re really onto something with it, and I’ll watch it very closely indeed. Well done and good luck.

TRAVELERS
This is an interesting story. Jayson is a mysterious character; back from the future to save the world. Ruth is a second good character; I liked her attitude when she rescued him; a no-nonsense gal. Overall, the story has an ominous tone about it (the world will end if Jayson can’t save it) that made me keep reading. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Just finished all eleven chapters that you have uploaded and found this to be a very interesting story. You may want to make it clear who shot who in chapter 11, but I would have no problem getting this book in a store. Best of luck to you and I will be keeping this book on my shelf for a while.

I have read through chapter 7 and love this book. You have a very good Time Travel novel here. I do have one main observation: There seems to be too big of a jump between chapter 6 and 7. There seems to be a need of a filler chapter. What would cause them to go from participation in the program to trying to blow up everything? Jaysan is chalking up questions about Daddy and Ruth, but this seems all of a sudden in Chapter 7. I would add another chapter that at least covers the jump and the sudden suspicions.
I will keep reading. I like to see the complete book but oh well.

Crit it forward review – to use or not. (Sorry it took me so long.)
I am not a great fan of science fiction but as promised I read the first part of this story. I learned a few things. I buckled in for a journey that took me on quite a ride past this world into the next. Good, enjoyable plot.

Just a couple of things. I noticed a few run on sentences in the beginning that could do with a couple of breaks. This helps to build suspense.

I also noticed you respond to those who leave comments by replying here. Few of us ever return to check on comments after we have left one. So it’s possible that others have not seen the nice responses you have left for them and may feel bad that you never acknowledged their input. If you want to send a thank you – click on the “send message” link through their profile.

You have talent and with some good editing and polishing, this could go far. As you make friends here you will find there are some wonderful people on the site who take the time to go line by line and offer tips and suggestions.

Best to you

jennifer

Dear Paul,

Here’s my review of ‘The Travellers’.
But please remember that I’m quite a novice myself and these suggestions are entirely subjective.
So you must take them on board only if they’re relevant. Your story’s got great potential, but more on that later.

First things first,

Small change and rearrangement in the short pitch:

‘The laws of time have been broken. Parallel worlds have crossed paths.
Jaysan is the paradox. Can he traverse time and space to save his world ?’

If you say that time has been destroyed, then it doesn’t make much sense for Jaysan to traverse time, right ? ;-)

The long pitch needs some work. Once again, there is the same contradiction regarding time that needs to be corrected. Jaysan’s name has been misspelled. At this stage, you need not reveal why he travels to the past. ‘Without revealing the twists,’ sounds out of place too. Suggest you remove it. The rest is fine.

My alternative long pitch (only meant to demonstrate the extent of storyline to be revealed) :

‘Aliens have erased Earth’s past and in doing so, have almost destroyed time itself. Jaysan ponders his own existence as the only man left alive. Very soon, he becomes embroiled in a conspiracy of galactic proportions that breach the boundaries of space and time. In the face of an all out cosmic war, the fates of parallel worlds hang in the balance as Jaysan fights to save mankind from the chaos of timelessness.’

Main text:

Fantastic opening sequence ! Visual and gripping, it’s the perfect hook to grab the reader’s attention. Well done.
I’ve read the first two chapters and enjoyed them immensely. I feel compelled to come back for more, every once in a while.
You have conceived a completely original story that has elements to appeal to a wide range of readers. The fantastic settings also open up the possibility of a stunning cinematic adaptation. Well done, once again.

MY RATING: 6 STARS (for concept and storyline)

As far as the writing is concerned, there are quite a few stumbling blocks that make reading a bit cumbersome. But I wont point them out because I’m not qualified enough to give you the right directions. Consider it my humble request that you seek the help of a freelance editor to refine and perfect your MS.
It certainly deserves it, my friend.

Best regards,
AGC

Hi Paul

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron