Shattered Reflections

Chapter one drew me in and I am up to chapter four. I'll defiantly be reading on. The confusion both Jamie and George feel is put across extremely well. Jamie, over his desire for his friend George, and how George is feeling towards Jamie. The scene where Jamie breaks down sobbing in front of Alison is very powerful. I really felt for him.
Chapter five - George returning back to school. All those mixed feelings - you have captured this superbly.
Highly starred and backed.
Chris.

I'm here for our reading swap. I have read the first three chapters so far. I really, really enjoyed this and I don't say that often!
I loved the first chapter - I was totally immersed in the experience and intensity of it. Lots of questions are raised, little titbits of information given which point to an intricate and satisfying plot. The part I've read reminds me a little of Notes on a Scandal in terms of the tone and the espression.
The characters are believable and well-drawn.
I like the use of the different view points and the time changes keeps the interest going for the reader. I'm very impressed and will look to place this on my shelf as soon as I am able.
I can't believe it's not on more shelves.
All the best with it. Highly starred and highly recommended.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Great story Kathryn,

Shattered Reflections is being pulled along by the struggles of all of your main characters and you describe their pain perfectly. I love the interactions between everyone, it all feels so real, full of emotions and the fear of rejection that lives in all of us. You have also managed to have enough of a mystery to draw the reader in an keep their interest.
Well done.

{Shattered Reflections}

Kathryn,

I started by reading your pitches, which drew me in immediately. Just from reading your premise I got the sense that this would be both an emotional and strong read. What incident haunts George? What will Jamie deal with while coming to terms with his homosexuality? I was intrigued and drawn in so I went to read on...

So far I'm read Chapter 1 and love the format of the chapter's speech, the intensity of it all and the value of your description which helped me to visualize your world well. I love how you started with the harsh beep of the life-support machine! As I read your first chapter I was reminded of that eerie tone in your sentence structure and story weeving. It was almost as if your words held that same beat. I loved that about the chapter!

You write so intensly about the events and I like that you thought about the way her class would react and the mother and her other son. This is clearly well thought out and you save the best of the first chapter (in my opinion) for the last paragraph where you write that "Vacant as if the vampiric shell of a boy really was sucking in their energy." What powerful inagry!

I've gladly rated {Shattered Reflections} six out of six stars and will return soon for more. Thank you for sharing this with us and thank you for supporting The Ark of Humanity! I'll be back soon for more!

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Thanks very much for the support and I will certainly take your comments into account when I next edit this chapter. Thanks again.
Kathryn

This ticks all the boxes for stuff I wouldn't normally read - literary fiction, romance, gay - but I found it surprisingly engaging. Yes, there are a few tense issues (I would strongly suggest putting the whole of your first chapter in the past tense), and yes, a few punctuation ones too (e.g. how about adding a much-needed hyphen to para 1, as in: 'Long dramatic fingernails - that was what the noise sounded like'), but your first chapter is otherwise a masterpiece in show-don't-tell - you certainly keep us guessing! Soooooo...we don't know who the boy in the bed is or what happened to him, and who Diane is, or what relationship she is to him. But it is a mark of your skill - especially with that killer last line ("There was a lot riding on the boy and his living") - that we really want to find out.

Six stars from me - for genuine promise - and will be pleased to comment further after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

('It was Monday morning now' doesn't need the 'now', imho. But Sandy attempting to lick the pool of blood....that was brrrrr...illiant)

Dear Kathryn, This is not the sort of genre I would normally read but I was drawn into reading on to the end. You draw the characters so well and reveal the raw emotions and harshness of teenage years. Just a small point that I would make; the first chapter in particular I felt was overloaded with very short sentences which I feel would have been very effective in small doses.Altoghether I thoroughly enjoyed and backed your book,congratulations on a good read.
Kind Regards, Pamela Crabtree.
'The Severed Cord.'

Hi Glyn
Thank you for your comments which are very thorough and very helpful - I didn't feel they were negative at all. I will certainly take on board what you are saying when I next edit the book.

Kathryn

P.S. George is worried that he would be excluded from school for a number of days which would go on his permanent record and would involve a meeting with the head teacher before he was allowed back into school.

Kathryn

Read the eight sections you have posted in a single sitting and would have happily read more. The ending of chapter 7, with Bernard revealed as Bernadette, was a powerful hook, answering questions that had been hanging for several chapters.

The division into separate days is an effective structural device, pushing the narrative along at sometimes breakneck speed. Indeed, there were moments when it felt too much information was being offered to be easily digested - I'm thinking particularly of the Alison in bed, Ben letting himself in sequence.

One thing that definitely needs attention are the occasional slippages in point of view. These are particularly distracting in the opening of Chapter 3 - The Problem of Being in Love with Your Best Friend - though they occur throughout the text.

Individual sequences are told from the point of view of the various characters, and this is often managed seamlessly. Alison's confrontation with George in the corridor, and later the passage that begins "Nevertheless he felt incredibly self-concious as if he and Jamie were the only two people in the room.." work so well because they never deviate from Alison or George's point of view. At other times, though, the narrative voice shifts. Listening to Belle and Sebastien - in a sequence being told from Jamie's point of view, - Jamie detects "the sly innocence of the choirboy" in the singer's voice, not a thought I could credit to Jamie but a sudden interruption of the author's voice. Similarly, George "prides himself on carrying condoms" - and then, in the midst of George's explication of his attitudes to sex comes "To a certain extent this was commendable" - a shift to another voice, another point of view entirely.

I do think these sudden departures from main point of view need to be ironed out, and the structure you have opted for - relatively short sequences in the voice of each character - should make the smoothing out less of a headache than it might be.

I hope the above doesn't sound too negative, because when it does work, and there are plenty of places where the various voices are pitch perfect, it works tremendously well.

A couple of other minor points:I think you need to go over a few thats and therefores, try the sentences without either word, often they work better. And sometimes the same pronoun refers to two different people within a very short sentence - He had called it off when he would not leave, for example - which leads to moments of unnecessary confusion. There were also a couple of things that I simply didn't understand: "but the merest hint of his mother finding out, an actual exclusion for once, and he was blubbering just like a baby, wailing lie a banshee", I had no idea what "an actual exclusion for once" was intended to imply.

I supose what I'm saying is that the posted extracts need a thorough edit. What I'd stress is that the story you are telling is well worth the time and trouble of re-editing because when the discrepencies are ironed out your writing is extremely powerful.

Hope this is constructive.
Cheers
Glyn

Kathryn

Read the eight sections you have posted in a single sitting and would have happily read more. The ending of chapter 7, with Bernard revealed as Bernadette, was a powerful hook, answering questions that had been hanging for several chapters.

The division into separate days is an effective structural device, pushing the narrative along at sometimes breakneck speed. Indeed, there were moments when it felt too much information was being offered to be easily digested - I'm thinking particularly of the Alison in bed, Ben letting himself in sequence.

One thing that definitely needs attention are the occasional slippages in point of view. These are particularly distracting in the opening of Chapter 3 - The Problem of Being in Love with Your Best Friend - though they occur throughout the text.

Individual sequences are told from the point of view of the various characters, and this is often managed seamlessly. Alison's confrontation with George in the corridor, and later the passage that begins "Nevertheless he felt incredibly self-concious as if he and Jamie were the only two people in the room.." work so well because they never deviate from Alison or George's point of view. At other times, though, the narrative voice shifts. Listening to Belle and Sebastien - in a sequence being told from Jamie's point of view, - Jamie detects "the sly innocence of the choirboy" in the singer's voice, not a thought I could credit to Jamie but a sudden interruption of the author's voice. Similarly, George "prides himself on carrying condoms" - and then, in the midst of George's explication of his attitudes to sex comes "To a certain extent this was commendable" - a shift to another voice, another point of view entirely.

I do think these sudden departures from main point of view need to be ironed out, and the structure you have opted for - relatively short sequences in the voice of each character - should make the smoothing out less of a headache than it might be.

I hope the above doesn't sound too negative, because when it does work, and there are plenty of places where the various voices are pitch perfect, it works tremendously well.

A couple of other minor points:I think you need to go over a few thats and therefores, try the sentences without either word, often they work better. And sometimes the same pronoun refers to two different people within a very short sentence - He had called it off when he would not leave, for example - which leads to moments of unnecessary confusion. There were also a couple of things that I simply didn't understand: "but the merest hint of his mother finding out, an actual exclusion for once, and he was blubbering just like a baby, wailing lie a banshee", I had no idea what "an actual exclusion for once" was intended to imply.

I supose what I'm saying is that the posted extracts need a thorough edit. What I'd stress is that the story you are telling is well worth the time and trouble of re-editing because when the discrepencies are ironed out your writing is extremely powerful.

Hope this is constructive.
Cheers
Glyn

Gay genre is certainly not something I read. Although, it didn't come up in the the two chapters I did read. You add a lot of punctuation marks to sentences, colon, semi colons that are grammatically incorrect. Also, there is very little dialogue. So much narrative will generally put a reader off. And the little dialogue I did encounter was surrounded by a lot of narrative.

This is a good start and I think editing will help it along its way.

Hi Abby
Thanks for your comments. I will think about them when I next edit.
Kathryn
Abby

Gay genre is certainly not something I read. Although, it didn't come up in the the two chapters I did read. You add a lot of punctuation marks to sentences, colon, semi colons that are grammatically incorrect. Also, there is very little dialogue. So much narrative will generally put a reader off. And the little dialogue I did encounter was surrounded by a lot of narrative.

This is a good start and I think editing will help it along its way.

Abby

One of the positives of Authonomy is that it frequently encourages readers to read beyond their regular choice of literature. And that is certainly the case here. Were I to see this pitch in the local Waterstones I probably wouldn't finish the pitch, let alone look at the book, yet, here, in the spirit of swapping reads and supporting other authors, I duly sat down and began to read.
Now normally I comment on plot and baring any glaring spelling mistakes I leave structure etc to the experts however in this case the plot is so far removed from anything I know much about it is hard to say anything meaningful. This certainly reads as though it will have a lot of emotional impact for the type of reader who looks for emotion and feeling when reading a book, and previous comments seem to validate this belief. I can say that chapter 1 gives us a mystery and therefore a hook and I think that this is a wise approach as it may well help broaden your readership.
Overall it seems well written and effective at telling the story in an emotive and involving manner. It may not be for me but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a well presented piece of fiction when I see it and I have rated accordingly.
Best wishes,
James

Kathryn, in ch 1 you've succeeded to create an almost excruciating intensity starting with "cold, harsh beep of the life support machine" and maintained it throughout with thoughts darting in every which direction. Brilliant. You created intrigue by giving only enough info to pique curiosity. The writing is impeccable. I liked the tempo of the chapter, almost fractured, mirroring her helplessness and brokenness. And you've told about the characters in a subtle way that's not telling. Powerful descriptions, i.e, "vampiric shell of a boy," "teenage ghouls," "hot desperation fueled the hope." It makes the reader feel as though present in that room, you've put the reader in her skin. Masterfully done.
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

Well, well. I'm loving this story. The "in-between realities" is one of your many punches that got me hooked.

High stars thus far but still reading

Hi Kathryn,
I read the first two chapters, and while I felt the story got off to a bit of slow start in Chapter 1, I was totally engrossed by the conflict, tension and emotional agony of the second chapter (Chapter 2). Highly starred. I can send more detailed comments on Chapter 1 in autho-email if you like.
Best regards,
Dean

I found the stop-start, staccato style of the first paragraphs really off-putting. Short sentences work well in small doses but when everything is written in three or four word bursts it reads like a stalling car. Some of the punctuation I found a little odd also.

Once I got past that, the story, which takes a little too long to get going, is interesting enough for me to want to read another chapter or two. I'm not sold on it yet but if it turns out to be a good read I'd urge you to revisit the opening to sow the seeds of intrigue a little earlier and maybe make the prose flow a bit more fluid.

Hello Anne - just extending the hand of friendship.

I'm fairly new to the site, but I've found it to be a constructive and rewarding experience so far, though it does pay to have a thick skin sometimes.

Backing books, making friends – that seems to be the way to raise your profile, so here I am.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/44385/heart-on-fire/read-book/#chapter

Shattered Reflections.
By K. E. Page.


A good start to your book, the tension as Alison takes in the surroundings, the life support machine with its mechanical bleep, the broken body of the young man now laying there.
It hooks the reader...Who is he?...what happened?...why?
Well we’re about to find out!
The first chapter is so important to capture the reader from the very start—you do this so well with your vivid description.
As it’s not my usual read, I’ve concentrated on the way you’ve structured the book.
I like the style but most of all the way that you offer excellent description and keep the reader involved.
Ch. 10 to 14 changes to heavy font and then from Ch 24 onward, the same – I would put this right if I was you as it can put off, a good read.
There’s not a great deal of dialogue considering the length of the book, but this doesn’t dilute its impact, some books can get away with it—yours does, it comes over very well.
I’ve took a quick look through all chapters
I didn’t find anything negative with your writing skills. You’re a good writer and know your stuff.
Many stars for an excellent book!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

thoroughly enjoyed the first two chapters. I was slighly confused at first with the change of tense but by chapter two i understood it was part of the style of the piece. The subject matter of the story was dealt with tactfully and the charectars are strong.

Kathryn, I have read the first two chapters. I am interested in the story, but there are a few things that distract me from the interaction between George and Jamie. I feel that although you are writing in the third person, the tenses seem to shift in the first chapter. I think that this story is timely, and covers several important social issues, bullying, homophobia and potentially teen suicide. Keep up the good work. I am looking forward to your critique of my work.

Sincerely,

Chris

Nice written

Chapter one drew me in and I am up to chapter four. I'll defiantly be reading on. The confusion both Jamie and George feel is put across extremely well. Jamie, over his desire for his friend George, and how George is feeling towards Jamie. The scene where Jamie breaks down sobbing in front of Alison is very powerful. I really felt for him.
Chapter five - George returning back to school. All those mixed feelings - you have captured this superbly.
Highly starred and backed.
Chris.

I'm here for our reading swap. I have read the first three chapters so far. I really, really enjoyed this and I don't say that often!
I loved the first chapter - I was totally immersed in the experience and intensity of it. Lots of questions are raised, little titbits of information given which point to an intricate and satisfying plot. The part I've read reminds me a little of Notes on a Scandal in terms of the tone and the espression.
The characters are believable and well-drawn.
I like the use of the different view points and the time changes keeps the interest going for the reader. I'm very impressed and will look to place this on my shelf as soon as I am able.
I can't believe it's not on more shelves.
All the best with it. Highly starred and highly recommended.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Hi Kathryn,
I'm here returning the read for our reading swap. This is very dramatic writing. Very intense and personal.The internal monologue feels realistic and is very believable. I am intrigued to know more. It really pulls you in as an opening.
If I had any suggestion (feel free to ignore), it would be that I would like a little relief from the intensity now and again in Chp 1. Perhaps some dialogue. I'd like to know what the room she's in is like - smells, colours etc. Just a touch here and there, not much. It would help to relieve some of the intensity and claustrophobia of the scene. I understand that you may be going for that feeling in Chp 1, but it's maybe a little too internal. Not sure.

All the best with this,
will highly star and think about shelf space when I next reshuffle.
Sharda.

Great story Kathryn,

Shattered Reflections is being pulled along by the struggles of all of your main characters and you describe their pain perfectly. I love the interactions between everyone, it all feels so real, full of emotions and the fear of rejection that lives in all of us. You have also managed to have enough of a mystery to draw the reader in an keep their interest.
Well done.

{Shattered Reflections}

Kathryn,

I started by reading your pitches, which drew me in immediately. Just from reading your premise I got the sense that this would be both an emotional and strong read. What incident haunts George? What will Jamie deal with while coming to terms with his homosexuality? I was intrigued and drawn in so I went to read on...

So far I'm read Chapter 1 and love the format of the chapter's speech, the intensity of it all and the value of your description which helped me to visualize your world well. I love how you started with the harsh beep of the life-support machine! As I read your first chapter I was reminded of that eerie tone in your sentence structure and story weeving. It was almost as if your words held that same beat. I loved that about the chapter!

You write so intensly about the events and I like that you thought about the way her class would react and the mother and her other son. This is clearly well thought out and you save the best of the first chapter (in my opinion) for the last paragraph where you write that "Vacant as if the vampiric shell of a boy really was sucking in their energy." What powerful inagry!

I've gladly rated {Shattered Reflections} six out of six stars and will return soon for more. Thank you for sharing this with us and thank you for supporting The Ark of Humanity! I'll be back soon for more!

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Shattered Reflections. At last I've got to you. An evocative title, but your pitches are rather muddling. The short one does not end in a complete sentence, and the long pitch describes the structure of the book, rather than how the story unfolds, and could possibly do with some character development, and emotion, to draw the reader's interest.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. That's an arresting first paragraph. Do you want nits? There are rather alot of 'was's in it, though!
The short sentences serve to accentuate the drama of her feelings, but take care they mean grammatical sense. (It reads as if his chest is mesmerized by the only movement!)
Sometimes I get the feeling that the mother and the watcher are two different people, but I assume they are one and the same.

Ch.2. You start in the past tense, then drift to the present, and then they get a bit muddled. Best to keep to one tense.
Poor Jamie, you reveal hispredicament well. Isnt life cruel. I think the present tense is fine - contributes to the immediacy of his problem.

You draw the characters of George and the other boys very well, through Alison's thoughts, as she meets the problem head on.

This is not my usual type of read, but I can appreciate the sensitivity of your writing, and it looks as if you have an interesting plot to develope.

Thankyou again for your interest in my book.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

I just read through the firs two chapters and I think you have the start to a great story. Your imagery is amazing. My only suggestion might be to condense chapter one a bit. I wanted to get to the meat of the story and I found myself skimming because I couldn't wait to get there. A testimate to your fantastic writing in a way. This is not my usual genre but you have a lot of tallent. Thanks for the read.

Thanks for uploading this book; I like your title and I like the story, however I found it very difficult to read due to your style of using very short sentences, which for me breaks up the effect of something good. This reflects me more than you I guess and if we were all the same it would be so boring. The first chapter made me work hard to get through and I had to read it again. First time I thought it was content, but I just needed to get used to your style. I would like to know how many drafts this book has undergone? I have read the first 6 chapters and will come back and read some more at some point when I have time. I want to know more!

Brondby Scott
('Praying To Dead Gods', 'Kissing Like A Child', 'Ripe Young Fruit', 'Images, Dreams, Fears And Reflections')

Just read two chapters. Chapter one was a little slow, you spend too long building the scene, descibing the life support machine etc. You say in half a chpater what you could easily have siad in a couple of paragraphs. I appreciated the strength of your writing, but i just felt the descriptions were overdone.
Chapter two was much better, i read through it in a couple of minutes, and was very impressed. It's difficult and important subject matter, and i instantly empathised with your MC. The shower scene was very well done, i wanted to yell at him just to look away, to save himself the trouble. "Wait till you're out of school, then you can check out all the lads arses you like". You can instantly feel the tragedy that is coming.
If future chapters are anything like chapter 2, then this will be a very strong book.
High stars.

A deep and well written story. I was drawn in straight away and felt a lot of empathy for the characters. Your writing is Strong and pacy, and your language adds colour to the narrative. I just had to keep reading as I wanted to know more. An excellent plot and brilliant use of dialogue. I usually don't read this kind of story, but you have converted me and I will definatelt read more. High rated and well done on a fab read.

Kathryn,

First off, let me say a bit about your book pitch. Your pitch is likely a good descriptor of the story. The challenge then as I see it, is to use your limited number of words to give less detail, and instead, build questions that compel the potential buyer to carry the book to the checkout counter and make the purchase.

Secondly, I have to admit that while I enjoy the phraseology of literary fiction, it didn’t take too long for me to figure out that I’m more likely to embarrass myself by critiquing, then I am to give helpful insight into your writing. I’m a rather direct type of individual, so I quite often don’t catch the true beauty of this genre. The subject matter, however, is near and dear to my heart so I will press on in hopes of capturing something worthwhile to share that will help you along the way. If however, I write something that seems totally “off the wall,” know that It’s done through ignorance and not malice.

tyler (The Paths We Chose)

Dear Kathryn,

Honestly, this was not my usual read. The story itself holds little interest for me. But, I’m so glad that I read it. The writing is so strong and solid, that I went on for three chapters straight, and would certainly come back for more when time permits. Your voice is exceptionally clear and the changing POVs along with authentic and unabashed thoughts make this a bloody engaging read. If promoted correctly, this one is bound to do well. All the very best to you, my friend.

SIX STARS and HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Best regards,
AGC

Hi
Hi Kae

Thank you very much for your comments. They have been helpful. I have changed the short pitch although I'm still not completely happy with it, I think it is a little less misleading. I have also removed chapter 8 and moved it to later although at the risk of spoiling it if you read on, I would say that the chapter is a bit of a false clue and the ending is not necessarily as obvious as you might think. I hope that you will keep reading and giving me advice as I really do appreciate it. Thanks again.
Kathrny

This was a nice continuation of the story, and I am still loving it, but I just noticed a few things.

Quite honestly, what made me read this book was your hook, "George will do anything to keep his image perfect, but secrets have a way of getting out..." Immediately I was grabbed and I wanted to know what the secret was. And while, I think I know what that secret is, it has yet to actually to be discussed in the story. Most of the story is dealing with the breaking friendship with Jamie and George, Jamie coming to terms with his homosexuality, and figuring out who the boy in the bed was (and to be honest, I was a little disappointed when we discovered who that was after only a few chapters. It's your story, so it's your decision, but I honestly thought that the identity of the boy in the bed was going to be held longer). I haven't really seen anything about George's secret that hooked me in the first place.

I'm not saying to change the story, but the hook and the summary of the story is a little contradictory to what the story has been about. Personally, I would suggest changing the focus of that, like the fact that the boy is in the coma, and we don't know who and how they ended up there, etc. It's still engaging, and it holds a bit more true to the story.

I'm sorry I didn't mention that before, but I was so caught up in how much I loved this story, the hook was actually the farthest thing from my mind. This really is fantastic, and I cannot say that enough.

This was a nice continuation of the story, and I am still loving it, but I just noticed a few things.

Quite honestly, what made me read this book was your hook, "George will do anything to keep his image perfect, but secrets have a way of getting out..." Immediately I was grabbed and I wanted to know what the secret was. And while, I think I know what that secret is, it has yet to actually to be discussed in the story. Most of the story is dealing with the breaking friendship with Jamie and George, Jamie coming to terms with his homosexuality, and figuring out who the boy in the bed was (and to be honest, I was a little disappointed when we discovered who that was after only a few chapters. It's your story, so it's your decision, but I honestly thought that the identity of the boy in the bed was going to be held longer). I haven't really seen anything about George's secret that hooked me in the first place.

I'm not saying to change the story, but the hook and the summary of the story is a little contradictory to what the story has been about. Personally, I would suggest changing the focus of that, like the fact that the boy is in the coma, and we don't know who and how they ended up there, etc. It's still engaging, and it holds a bit more true to the story.

I'm sorry I didn't mention that before, but I was so caught up in how much I loved this story, the hook was actually the farthest thing from my mind. This really is fantastic, and I cannot say that enough.

Thanks very much for the support and I will certainly take your comments into account when I next edit this chapter. Thanks again.
Kathryn

This ticks all the boxes for stuff I wouldn't normally read - literary fiction, romance, gay - but I found it surprisingly engaging. Yes, there are a few tense issues (I would strongly suggest putting the whole of your first chapter in the past tense), and yes, a few punctuation ones too (e.g. how about adding a much-needed hyphen to para 1, as in: 'Long dramatic fingernails - that was what the noise sounded like'), but your first chapter is otherwise a masterpiece in show-don't-tell - you certainly keep us guessing! Soooooo...we don't know who the boy in the bed is or what happened to him, and who Diane is, or what relationship she is to him. But it is a mark of your skill - especially with that killer last line ("There was a lot riding on the boy and his living") - that we really want to find out.

Six stars from me - for genuine promise - and will be pleased to comment further after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

('It was Monday morning now' doesn't need the 'now', imho. But Sandy attempting to lick the pool of blood....that was brrrrr...illiant)

This ticks all the boxes for stuff I wouldn't normally read - literary fiction, romance, gay - but I found it surprisingly engaging. Yes, there are a few tense issues (I would strongly suggest putting the whole of your first chapter in the past tense), and yes, a few punctuation ones too (e.g. how about adding a much-needed hyphen to para 1, as in: 'Long dramatic fingernails - that was what the noise sounded like'), but your first chapter is otherwise a masterpiece in show-don't-tell - you certainly keep us guessing! Soooooo...we don't know who the boy in the bed is or what happened to him, and who Diane is, or what relationship she is to him. But it is a mark of your skill - especially with that killer last line ("There was a lot riding on the boy and his living") - that we really want to find out.

Six stars from me - for genuine promise - and will be pleased to comment further after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

('It was Monday morning now' doesn't need the 'now', imho. But Sandy attempting to lick the pool of blood....that was brrrrr...illiant)

Hi David

I will definitely have a look over the next couple of days.

Kathryn

Hi KE

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Hi KE

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Hi Derek

Thanks very much for your comments and support.

Kathryn

Hi Kathryn
I love it. Love the voice - which for me is absolutely key and I reckon you nailed it. Excellent use of description and flows well - no clunky sections. Also a very well manicured MS - I never spotted much in the way of grammatical probs and I'm usually pretty discerning. I think you balanced this well in terms of the woman's situation - in between all this - an awful situation all round. I loved the last few lines esp - "Vacant as if the vampiric shell of a boy really was sucking in their energy" - nice. And also "There was a lot riding on the boy and his living" Perfect sentence - simple and effective and encapsulates the whole chapter in 11 words. Although I like the vampiric shell line - one thing jarred earlier the use of the phrase "an empty shell" for me it's too much of a cliche term and it stuck out because the rest of the writing is fresh and original - if I were you I'd consider a different description there - just a thought. Overall brilliant and I have starred and put on my watchilist and will def read more and comment when I can.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Hi
Thank you very much for the comments - I think the structure is probably the thing I am least confident about so thanks for the advice. I will be uploading more over the next couple of days. Thanks for your support.

Kathryn

Hi,

I just want to say that I read all six chapters since last night, and it killed me to stop at five in the morning when I was so close to finishing. This was really great, and I love how the story is told in such a garbled mess. That probably came out wrong, but it worked for this story. It was absolutely brilliant. Every word used fit perfectly, and while this is not normally the kind of story I read, I do greatly regret that, because of how well this story is written .

Now, please don't hate me, but there were a few things that could probably be improved. Not a lot, mind you, and I only offer these suggestions because this story is so amazing. But, when I read the first chapter, which was great, by the way and I am very curious to see exactly what boy is in the bed, you stuck solely with Allison's point of view, and the same in the second chapter with Jamie. After that, you kind of branched out and added thoughts of other characters, and sort of switched point of view a couple times. It's your story, and it's your call, but it's always been a certain pet peeve of mine that when a story is told mostly from one person's point of view, then it should stay that way. At least during the chapter, or with the presence of page breaks and whatnot. Again, total suggestion, I don't expect you to listen to me.

Also, while I like the fact that the story is told in the present tense, in some instances it can get confusing, because you start off in the actual 'present,' if you will and then go back and describe how the character gets there, but it's still told in present tense. I understand that it was probably done intentionally, but it can get confusing for us stupid people because it's a bit hard to keep the time line straight, and the more I have to try and keep the time line straight, the longer I feel like I'm pulled out of the story.

I only offer these suggestions because I did so greatly enjoy this story. I think that it's well written and you make me care for the characters. I liked how so much could be said with so little, especially the scarcity that you used dialog. It all worked well, and I greatly enjoyed the confusion throughout the story as every character deals with his/her own problems. It truly was a pleasure to read this.

Kae

Hi,

I just want to say that I read all six chapters since last night, and it killed me to stop at five in the morning when I was so close to finishing. This was really great, and I love how the story is told in such a garbled mess. That probably came out wrong, but it worked for this story. It was absolutely brilliant. Every word used fit perfectly, and while this is not normally the kind of story I read, I do greatly regret that, because of how well this story is written .

Now, please don't hate me, but there were a few things that could probably be improved. Not a lot, mind you, and I only offer these suggestions because this story is so amazing. But, when I read the first chapter, which was great, by the way and I am very curious to see exactly what boy is in the bed, you stuck solely with Allison's point of view, and the same in the second chapter with Jamie. After that, you kind of branched out and added thoughts of other characters, and sort of switched point of view a couple times. It's your story, and it's your call, but it's always been a certain pet peeve of mine that when a story is told mostly from one person's point of view, then it should stay that way. At least during the chapter, or with the presence of page breaks and whatnot. Again, total suggestion, I don't expect you to listen to me.

Also, while I like the fact that the story is told in the present tense, in some instances it can get confusing, because you start off in the actual 'present,' if you will and then go back and describe how the character gets there, but it's still told in present tense. I understand that it was probably done intentionally, but it can get confusing for us stupid people because it's a bit hard to keep the time line straight, and the more I have to try and keep the time line straight, the longer I feel like I'm pulled out of the story.

I only offer these suggestions because I did so greatly enjoy this story. I think that it's well written and you make me care for the characters. I liked how so much could be said with so little, especially the scarcity that you used dialog. It all worked well, and I greatly enjoyed the confusion throughout the story as every character deals with his/her own problems. It truly was a pleasure to read this.

Kae

Hi Kathryn
I love it. Love the voice - which for me is absolutely key and I reckon you nailed it. Excellent use of description and flows well - no clunky sections. Also a very well manicured MS - I never spotted much in the way of grammatical probs and I'm usually pretty discerning. I think you balanced this well in terms of the woman's situation - in between all this - an awful situation all round. I loved the last few lines esp - "Vacant as if the vampiric shell of a boy really was sucking in their energy" - nice. And also "There was a lot riding on the boy and his living" Perfect sentence - simple and effective and encapsulates the whole chapter in 11 words. Although I like the vampiric shell line - one thing jarred earlier the use of the phrase "an empty shell" for me it's too much of a cliche term and it stuck out because the rest of the writing is fresh and original - if I were you I'd consider a different description there - just a thought. Overall brilliant and I have starred and put on my watchilist and will def read more and comment when I can.
Derek
The Angel Chord