THE STOORWORM

Hello David,
I came back to read a bit more Stoorworm. It left quite an impression. The chapter linking the Vessel with Christabel is truely horrible! It is also well-written. I'd be tempted to shorten the introduction. The imagery is impressive, but the sentences are a bit too long. Maybe a case of gilding the lily. I don't understand why more people haven't noticed tThe Stoorworm, it's a great story!
Jane

Hello David,
Read you part one and would have read further, but supper calls. You set quite a few hares running and I wanted to see where they went. I noted as I read, hope my comments will be useful.
I loved the title and I liked the idea, the frozen north, the out of time setting and the murky political background. Personally, and that’s just me, I’d have cut the politics to the barest minimum, a hint, an aside even. The worm is what most people would be interested in at this point. The intro seems a little too dry and technical. Instead of the worm’s history I’d have liked to see you concentrate on the terror the creature inspires, especially as I certainly had the feeling that maybe it wasn’t entirely dead.

‘Is that her then?’ The pilot’s question is possibly a bit superfluous.
‘encased with her icy sepulchre.’ within?
‘Ballamore baulked…this done he seemed to regain himself.’
I think it would be better to say ‘he regained his composure.’

Chapter 2
This takes us into a child’s universe, which I took to be rather younger than it actually is. I’d have given the kids ten or eleven years not sixteen. Which is maybe why I thought the language they used was rather eloquent for the situation. For example:
‘Take the paint and throw it at the wall,’ said Jamesie, ‘Aim for the bit depicting Paul Marmion.’ depicting is not the kind of word I’d have expected Jamesie to use, but then I thought he was much younger.
‘Billie realised she had been the one chasing him across the Plaza. He would never have suspected that she could run so fast.’ In fact Billie barely got himself launched before he fell flat on his face and he didn’t do any running at all.
I wasn’t sure whether this chapter worked. After the stoormworm it was pretty tame.

Chapter 3.
I liked this scene-shifting, the contrast between the orange groves and the frozen north.

‘Her family owned an expansive vineyard…’ I think you mean extensive.
‘her hair was always clean and well tended’ not really the choice of phrase for a human being, especially an artistocrat!
Ramon and Christabel come over as being pretty brainless when they are being threatened by the soldiers. Ramon puts his entire family in danger of being shot on the spot by immediately admitting to having subversive leanings, and Christabel is just worrying about her wedding. But maybe that’s the image you wanted to give of them. I’ll have to read on…

Chapter 4.
Great, we’re back with the worm! These are the passages I like best. Again, I think it would be improved if you cut out the politics and the sayings of Paul Marmion. I know you have to fill in the background, but ‘they’ always tell us to do it bit by bit almost so the reader isn’t aware of it.

‘Somehow when the craft whenever submersed beneath the waves the internal wrangling with his conscience intensified.’ Phrase needs sorting out.

Great ending with the mad scientist and his disgusting worm larvae.

I think you have a really good story here, but it would be improved by a bit of pruning. It’s what I am always being told and I don’t do it either, not enough to suit some folks anyway. See if you can cut some of the background without making nonsense of the rest. But don’t do anything precipitous; wait to get a few more comments first.
Good luck with this, it has great potential. I’m giving it high stars and putting it on my watchlist.
Jane

Wormholes
The Dark Citadel

I love the Stoorworm, but had a few reservations about your all-important first chapter, which should hook the reader. I'd start with a description of the area, and the stoorworm, and drop in the Commander's qualifications, attitudes etc. via dialogue, and the politics as well, as you go. At the moment, the politics in particular strike me as info dumps, not blended with the story. Apart from that, I noted some typos, eg. 'like all the women hand selected to be...' (what's 'hand'?), Her face became taught (it's 'taut'), also, 'Do you know the havoc and destruction they caused...' sounds artificial as speech (reads like a formal report). I'd tackle this first chapter as a short story, prune, rearrange the information you want to convey (leave the rest til later), concentrate on grabbing the reader's interest. Also, I'd be cautious about using 'enigmatic' as often as you do - it seems to soften your dictator. These are just notes I made on the first chapter. An interesting set up. I think you don't need the 'strong anti-war message' so early in your pitch, I'd pitch its drama rather than message-content, which could come across as preachy. My comments above I intend as constructive, not critical/destructive. I think you have a good idea, which some pruning & polishing will help shine. Backed.

Thanks for the feedback. Some really useful food for thought. I probably yielded to the temptation to put too much information into the first chapter without considering how best to put this across. I've edited the glaring spelling mistake now. Thanks again.

I love the Stoorworm, but had a few reservations about your all-important first chapter, which should hook the reader. I'd start with a description of the area, and the stoorworm, and drop in the Commander's qualifications, attitudes etc. via dialogue, and the politics as well, as you go. At the moment, the politics in particular strike me as info dumps, not blended with the story. Apart from that, I noted some typos, eg. 'like all the women hand selected to be...' (what's 'hand'?), Her face became taught (it's 'taut'), also, 'Do you know the havoc and destruction they caused...' sounds artificial as speech (reads like a formal report). I'd tackle this first chapter as a short story, prune, rearrange the information you want to convey (leave the rest til later), concentrate on grabbing the reader's interest. Also, I'd be cautious about using 'enigmatic' as often as you do - it seems to soften your dictator. These are just notes I made on the first chapter. An interesting set up. I think you don't need the 'strong anti-war message' so early in your pitch, I'd pitch its drama rather than message-content, which could come across as preachy. My comments above I intend as constructive, not critical/destructive. I think you have a good idea, which some pruning & polishing will help shine. Backed.