[NFV] Descent of the Horseman

Nice. Very very nice.

Dark, atmospheric, chilling. The construct of the first 3 chapters is enough for me to know this would be one I'd buy in a heartbeat. The imagery is very rich, and your clipped passages of description add an urgency to the first chapter that explodes like the hand at the end.

The tension between the horsemen is palpable, without the need for any overly verbous monologues. A lot can be said in a single line or phrase, without the necessity to overindulge in any long winded passage. It distracts from the flow and the imagery of the scene, but to convey an atmosphere this dark so quickly, and to establish such a menacing pace with such strong conviction takes real skill. There are some who can conjure up such a mood with many rewrites, and thinking about every line over and over, but then in any horror / gothic book, this often interferes with the necessary pace. Here, it would appear to me, that you have done neither.

So that's my thoughts on the writing style and book as a work of literature. *draws breath*... Here's some other thoughts as they come to me...

The genre in which you write has a very broad fan base - 9 out of 10 on this site will list King or Herbert or Barker as their favourite authors. But as a commercial vehicle, books like this tend to get less support: I think maybe it's a "guilty pleasure" thing? I hope your writing skill draws in some of the big hitters to back this, because if it gets high enough, you will get more the attention your skill clearly deserves.

Personally love this kind of stuff. There can be a point of over kill with horror "blood blood blood" syndrome. You have a really good balance, that brings it in when needed - (The top of his skull burst open and crackled black), but does not go too OTT.

So onto the shelf without question. I want to know what happens, and I want to read more - that's the key here. I'll put your name to a couple of others on here - Mazza has a FABULOUS book called Ritual, that you can spot on my shelf, and anything by Ginger is spine chilling at its best. I'm sure they would like this.

Good luck on the site, and don't forget to keep plugging.
Jason

Wow!

This is a great read, Sye!

There are a few typos, but aren't there always/

I love the horseman - very nicely done and I love that fact that he is rational in his own right. Clever enemies make a good battle, eh?

Very dark, very rough, very readable.

I love the characters. Shame the dirty scumbag, Trantis has to die - I like him!

Just clearing a space on my shelf for you. give me a few minutes!

...And I'll be back to read more for definite!

Mazza

I never read anything like this before. I always thought I was stuck in a genre trap, but you made me realse I could and should try something new. I did and I enjoyed. I noticed they cleared your shelf. They are doing just as they please here now. It's all wrong!

Darkly atmospheric with great imagery weaved with good strong writing that carries you along effortlessly. Backed with pleasure.

Sye, I noticed the cover art—very nice. You have an awesome well-developed story. You are a gifted writer my friend and your manuscript will do very well--Its stylish and descriptions intelligent
Backed with pleasure
Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Descent of the Horseman...

I'm shelving this one, but since you, like me, want concrete feedback, here I go.

I was immediately drawn by the Horseman, probably because you gave me enough setting details to visualize him. However, it took me awhile to get into Alisha because I had no context for her interchange with the creep Dano. I felt as though I needed to know what the prior skirmish was about, what world I'm on (i.e., if not our planet), etc.

As for the writing itself, it's fine writing. My only nit is the adverbs...almost always avoid them (editors and agents dislike them with reason: they prop up weak verbs, or don't add anything substantive to the meaning, and they rob you of the opportunity to use fresher words to express the same idea.)

I think you've got your market locked up, and will attract readers from other genres, too.

Shelved on my rotating shelf.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Gripping! I've really enjoyed this brilliantly created story. I can't find any faults with this and wish you the best. Shelved.

Great begining,
Comparring the horsemen and the group was a great set up, teasing a confrontation that does not come.

The Alisha, Dano standoff is exceptional showing of characters rather than telling. Good combination of actions and feelings in the encounter.

the sentence
"Almost impossible to do him," feels misplaced though

I love the phrasing of "loud crack, short scream.

Oh, I forgot to say, even though you said you don't particularly want shelves, I'm going to shelve the story because I turned the page when I had no intention of doing so at the beginning.

Bout time this book made it to ED. It converted me. I was hooked on romance once upon a time. I think this was the first book that made me realise that reading outside the box could be enjoyable. Go for it.
Sue

Dear Sye.

A great opening chapter here, and the story looks very promising. I'm happy to shelve the book.

Best wishes.

Michael Ashley Torrington, author, 'Kristin.'

Dear Sye.

A great opening chapter here, and the story looks very promising. I'm happy to shelve the book.

Best wishes.

Michael Ashley Torrington, author, 'Kristin.'

Dear Sye.

A great opening chapter here, and the story looks very promising. I'm happy to shelve the book.

Best wishes.

Michael Ashley Torrington, author, 'Kristin.'

Ominous title, and equally ominous first line!

I like that you’re able to create such a dark mood so quickly, yet also bring in a spark of hope just as quickly…

>Somewhere deep inside this morbid place was a life worth saving.

The complicated relationship between Alisha and Dano keeps the dialogue interesting, but there’s obviously something more important going on that’s going to connect the storylines.

You capture action sequences well, but the biggest appeal is the strange mixture of gothic thriller with something of a Western feel. (Maybe it’s just the bar setting and the casual threats.)

Polished, easy reading, with intriguing characters.

Sye, "Pale Rider" with bells on, I'd say...! Terrific opening, sets the scene and the motivation, the premise, so well. Alisha - what a girl. And she has a soul, I think. I'll have to read on some more to see... For now, backed! Love to you from Kay x

Shelved

Shelved! ;o)

This book is awesome. You should read it

I have :-)

This book is awesome. You should read it

Our books are like beside each other on the chart. I hope you're frightened.

Dark, creepy. Your character's interactions are erotic and humorous. I love how Alisha puts the knife to Dano's kidney to threaten him and puts her fist in that girl's mouth then tosses her to the floor. Ha. Great scene. She is a bad ass. The mysterious Horseman has a great opening line: "He could feel death beneath him." This is a riveting book.

This novel is built on a series of complex relationships that it is obviously going to take the reader a few chapters to figure out. You have created a very strong female character and surrounded her with interesting male characters all of whom seem to relate to her and through her to the others, which is nicely done. My only concern is that the darkness and weight of the overall story is sometimes eroded by the triteness of the details that the characters have focussed on -- e.g. Alisha thinking she feels like a little girl with a birthday present, Trantis's long list of petty irritations with the others. I know they are there to reveal character, but I think you just need to cut out some of the less important details to make the story stronger. But the opening scenes are well crafted and promise a strong narrative. I am happy to shelve this book.

Mary

Hello Sye - as promised. But I am deeply vexed, my friend. I like to pride myself on the fact that I give the most helpful crits I can. I think most people are grateful for them (probably one or two exceptions). On rare occasions I have not been able to offer anything constructive.Poor old Jeff had just about the shoddiest crit that I've ever done. Couldn't find a thing to say to the chap. You qualify, I think, for the second most useless crit. And I'm genuinely sorry. In all honesty (always keen on that), this is not the kind of book I would normally buy. But that is another worthless comment (sorry) - I'm here to judge your writing style. And you can certainly write, sir. Here are my - very limited - random thoughts, as they occurred:

- loved the first line. I see what you mean about the para breaks. Yes. Punchier. I shall try to learn;
- "Fuck off": this was jarring, but in a good way. Your first few paras settle me in this olde worlde that I have put together, and then I'm slapped in the face with the eff word. Love it. Reminds me of Pratchett having Rhincewind (sp?) say 'bugger off' within the first page or so of 'The Colour of Magic'. Lovely stuff, sir;
- "thick[,] wet intrusion": think I'd drop a comma in there, old stick;
- "If anyone here started a fight...": great para. Think you should be consistent with 'Gods' and 'God', though (you capitalise the plural here, but not the singular);
- "Should I pass, or go inside?": italics for this, I think;
- nicely setting up the tension at the bar. Something, I think, is going to kick off;
- "next [to] the Horseman": any reason you've omitted the 'to'? Perhaps I am being slow;
- and a very deft end to the chpt. What 'plans'? And ominous threats from Alisha ('next time'...).

Apologies that this wasn't more helpful, Sye. You have some great prose here, likeably rogueish characters and a killer MC (and a cracking tite to boot). I'll see if I can do something about your red arrow with a moment on the old shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Hello Sye,

This is a taut and atmospheric read. Alisha is a great character: alluring, cynical and threatening. The dialogue between the gang members drives the narrative perfectly. I agree, the POV switches worked fine for me.

Shelved and good luck.
Tony (Sirocco Express)

Sye,
Notes on Horseman:
The description of it reads like it'll be good...who doesn't want to watch/read a fight in hell.
Love how I'm drawn in for the fight that is halted...gets me itching for blood sport right away.
You need Monica Belluci to play Allison for the movie...don't sign a thing without her in the contract. heh.

Great relationship/character building in this opening. Dialog terrific as well.
I'm wondering why they're preparing for combat...maybe I missed something. Or possibly its just that in Hell you must always be prepared.
I'm interested how people presumable dead in hell can be stopped like Yob - aren't they already dead? but then that's the mysterious power of the horseman maybe?
Vampires too...the excitement builds.
so much dark and lovely blood and fire (blades) etc. Just the right amount of sexy too.
Part of me really likes it that the space is so ambiguous but part of me wishes I had a better understanding of where in the hell they are.heh. besides hell that is.
Best of luck with this Sye...from what I've read of it so far its a book of epic fun.
-=Bradley Wind (A Calculated Embellishment)

Hi Sye

Great stuff, Alisha is my kind of hero - shelved

I didn't spot anything I could recommend to change. The POV switchs work fine, don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

John

This has got to be the least impressive book I've ever read. Complete crap. I hope you're writing under an alias, because this is really staining whatever dignity you had to your name (if any). You're garbage who kills for money. And brain cells are your victims.

In fact, it's so bad that I wish I could find it in Barnes and Noble so I could buy it right off the shelf and wave it in your face and taunt you (after you autograph it, of course). It's just that crappy. Find an agent already so you can make my dream come true.

Hey, just finished the first chapter and I really, really like the way you handle the action. I wish I could handle action like you, I'm particularly bad at it. I'm going to find time to read more of this, and see more of Alisha and Dano (especially Dano's awesome harnesses on either arm). I especially liked the analogy of someone screaming like a cat drowning. Very nice and this is great stuff.

-Richie

Sye,

I am the author of Standalone Farm (sci fi/horror). Your synopsis is interesting. Would you care to do a book swap? i.e. we critique and possibly back each others?

Paul Samuel

Very easy to read..had me sucked in from the start...great dialogue..great characters....again...totally had me drawn in :)

This is quite addictive reading.

You really suck the reader right in.

I love your attention to details and the way you describe emotions.

Definatly my kind of book, dark and gritty.

Sorry for a rather poor review, but i really liked it and sorta got sucked into just reading and their for not looking at it critickly at all.

Something I would definatly spend my money on.

GL with it Sye.

What i read is off to a strong start, and I'm happy to add this to my bookshelf. (Be careful that you always have at least one character who's likable.) I hope you'll read my book, too.

Descent of the Horseman

Hi Sye, I can only apologise for not getting to this sooner, it's greater, dark, kick-arse and sassy. Alisha is an excellent heroine and the scum she is surrounded with in the first chapter shows her personal strengths well. There are some great bits of menace early in the chapter with the horseman, powerfully done, the story takes on the echo of a fable at these points. Great stuff, reminiscient in some respect to The Book Thief, although the dark warrior in this book in certainly much more menacingly. Will be backing this soon, evocative, powerful and dark...the makings of a great fantasy horror, best of luck and best wishes - Andrew W.

This is a great story.
At first, it seemed so dark that I wanted to stop reading it, but I just couldn't. I think it is very interesting how the horseman's personality and his violent behavior almost seems at odds. His choice of words is so casual considering how little regard he has for life.

I like the dark fiction - this story has promise! However, you swap viewpoints between characters and I wonder if it would be a stronger work if you kept to third person limited. Just an idea. Good luck with your book!
Holly
(The Faerie Conspiracies)

Descent of the Horseman is a compelling read, I will admit. I got sucked in, and I didn't want to stop. Good stuff. Very Poe-esque in atmosphere.


The stuff I really liked:

Details in DotH are vivid, well drawn, and realistic. I like the way you have Trantis bullying through the forest, frustrated with life. Every battle scene is drawn with care and attention to positioning of weapons and the resulting carnage.

The characters, as brutal as they are, come alive in all their bleak glory. Alisha is the most vivid, of course, but the others, no matter how small of a role they play, get their time in the spotlight.


The stuff I think needs work:

Your synopsis is deceiving, in my opinion. I see a brutal, dark, nasty world, but I don't get that it's "hell". The Horseman, from what I can tell, just shows up, and there's no sense of how he fits into the picture. Obviously, he's there as judge, jury, and executioner with a side of bleeding heart justice, but I don't get the feeling of hell and him as a descended being. He's only vaguely got a back story, maybe. He's only got purpose.

Alisha's fun doesn't seem to come to an end when the Horseman shows up, either. She's going full-bore into searching for the perfect orgasm while killing people, and there's no sign of it stopping. She is understandable, but not redeemable, and I feel like the "which woman truely deserves to live?" question is answered firmly "neither", which is also troublesome. If it's a rocks fall, everyone dies sort of ending, you don't need to reveal that in the synopsis, but I feel somewhat misled.

The Horseman feels grafted into the story about Alisha and the assassins going after Lord Stowgan. You try to tie them together, but are only semi-successful. I'm still not sure why the Horseman was so obsessed with Trantis, and Why didn't he just kill the group when he had them pinned in the study?

To me, Serina seems pointless. I see very little reason for her to exist, storywise. She's the love-lost vampire daughter who has no real purpose except to provide some sort of potential redeemable character. SHe feels hollow, just like she says she is. She doesn't enlighten us in any way to the nature of the world she's in. She's the "oh, I need a love story here" piece. For me, it doesn't work.

My feeling about this story overall is that it's intended to be a piece of a much bigger story, one that you've been working on for quite a while. The problem is that you forgot that the reader coming into this piece doesn't have all that big picture that you, the writer, has. Take some time give the reader a reason to care about the Horseman, do more than just tell us his purpose. Give us a reason to support his actions rather than just boggle because his head suddenly turned into a swiss army knife of killing utensils.

The ending is very rushed. Big flurry of everyone lunging at the Horseman, and I'm still not sure WTF happened. While I'm reminded of the ending of Poe's "Masque of the Red Death"--the feeling is duplicated here--the difference between these two stories is that you've got too many named characters to just have them all lunge and die. I need something less abrupt.


The small stuff:

Please don't play coy. If the assassin in chapter two is Alisha, just name her and go on with it.

Here and there, you've got present-past tense conflicts.

You may be trying for omniscient intimate POV, but I'm not sure it works. Too many times, I'm not sure who is doing what. You get too close to headhopping for my reading comfort zone.


Final thoughts:

DotH has some great things going for it. You've obviously honed your description skills as well as your character building. However, big picture? I'm not sure the book is there yet. You need to interlink the stories much better, and do some clean-up work here and there. Overall, I'd call this book on the cusp. I can't quite recommend it upwards, but I think you could get it there.

Good luck with this!

Hello Sye,

This is so dark. Batman dark. Extremely well written - and that's coming from someone who doesn't really go for fantasy. Characterisations work very well and scene setting is great. I like Alisha. If I was to be in this sort of book - I'd want to be as strong and no-nonsense as her. I'm not experienced enough to know if the pace is right for this type of book, but it feels OK to me.

Anyway, good writing is good writing and this is that. I am shelving and wishing you all the best.

Kat
Don't Forget Your Lucky Pants

Oh I would so spend my hard-earned bucks for this book! Brilliant!!

I'm backing it:)

Bravo!!
Ci

I'm slowly starting to read it but I like it so far, I'm usually not for horror but I shall see how far I can go through it.

Hi Sye,

I just read the first chapter and I'm really enjoying it so far. Sorry, I'm not much of a writer, so I can't give you a solid critique. However, I felt that you put a lot of effort into the opening, and it showed. I was hooked after the first line. Cheers!

Chapter 4! All things are possible if you just believe!

Love Dano. I know I've already said that. But I love him. We should go out.

This chapter had so much action it was insane! You're such a great writer, and I can't wait to read more!!!!

I'm a 4th of the way through the book... *cry*

Hi Sye, this is solid entertaining and intelligent writing. I thought the opening chapters introduced the main characters so skilfully as to make them feel real. The atmosphere of the setting is dark and gothic with malevolent and deadly characters slinking across its landscape. Great.
What I like most about what you have written is its reality. The characters are animated because you show us their differences and their perception of their own world through their dialogue and their actions. I particularly like Alisha and the Horseman. Though I wouldn't want to meet either of them in the pub.

I thought the opening line excellent. But can I suggest that you look again at the third line which I feel relegates the superb opening to an 'over the top' type statement which undervalues the good writing that follows. '...every soul spoke to him'. This is a generalised statement meant to be impressive but because of it's magnitude has the effect of watering down the effect of the sentence through being over-dramatic. Also, can you have a silent whisper?
Sorry if you think I'm being picky and I don't mean any disrespect but we both know how vital opening lines are.

The imagry in some of your scenes and the interaction between the characters in the band of assassins puts your writing in the top league. You could make the writing sparkle even more with careful editing. small examples:
In the Tavern when the thug attacks the Horseman. 'The thug came at him with balled fists and unrelenting fury but the Horseman stayed until the last moment.'' The 'unrelenting fury' only gets in the way and dilutes the action. The thug came at him with balled fists. The Horseman stayed until the last moment.

'A sudden stab of anger made him push open the door with more strength than he had intended. He could feel the hinges almost burst as the door shuddered against the wall.'
How about, 'He pushed the door open with more strength than he intended. The door shuddered against the wall bursting the top hinge.
I'm giving my opinion here out of regard for your writing.

I think there's loads of potential in this story and hope people back it to get to the editor's desk, if it hasn't been there already.
Best of luck with this Sye, it's going on the shelf. And thanks for the comments on my stuff. I really appreciate them.

Cheers,
Dennis.

Hi Sye, this is solid entertaining and intelligent writing. I thought the opening chapters introduced the main characters so skilfully as to make them feel real. The atmosphere of the setting is dark and gothic with malevolent and deadly characters slinking across its landscape. Great.
What I like most about what you have written is its reality. The characters are animated because you show us their differences and their perception of their world through their dialogua and their actions. I particularly like Alisha and the Horseman. Though I wouldn't want to meet either of them in the pub.

I thought the opening line excellent. But can I suggest that you look again at the third line which I feel relegates the superb opening to an 'over the top' type statement which undervalues the good writing that follows. ',,

Excellent. Weird, chilling, blood-soaked, fascinating, creepy...

The characterisation of Alisha (particularly) and the gang is excellent and makes a great contrast with the uncanny, accessible unfathomableness of the horseman. The atmosphere is suitably dark and oppressive (could a fraction more detail in the settings lift it that last degree?) with the a really palpable sense of doom and violence. The slow unwind of the plot - or rather, the parallel strands of plot - is intriguing, offset by the rapid pace of the action, each chapter ending with a hook to draw you in. Very cleverly balanced.

I'm not sure what the correct term is: gothic, baroque, horror, fantasy... it's all these things and more. Though the term you use is less important that the verdict. And that's simple: it's excellent.

Chapter 3, done. In your face!

I must say, this plot is getting twistier by the moment. I'm really confused (but also intrigued) by what's going on with the Horseman and Serina... but that's because I gotta keep reading to find out! This is why it sucks when people stop at chapter 3... all the juicy stuff is revealed later on.

I've passed the point of no return...the final threshold... what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn...?

This is written in a confident style and has a strong narrative thread. It makes you want to read on to find out what is happening. There is menace and plenty of action. Alisha is an enticing character, while the others in her gang are sharply drawn. The horseman himself is perhaps not quite as horrible or as frightening as he might be. I'm not sure about that. I'm not qualified to judge how this compares with other books in this genre but from the perspective of story-telling, this is good. I'll back it.

Read chapter 2. See? I'm not that slow :3

Hi Sye! I haven't forgotten that I've promised you a read through chapter 10 -- but one of the books on my shelf took itself away :-( , and so I figured I'd have a quick peek at the next coupla books on my list right now to fill that blasted empty space! This is a good, strong beginning to a story I'd want to read even if I didn't have to ;-) . I have a few genuinely teensy ideas, but I'll save all of that until I do my proper read through chapter 10; in the meantime, if I were in Borders, read the blurb and the opening chapter (geez, originally wrote paragraph -- you're lucky I'm not even TRYING to do full crits today, I cannot USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE), this book would be coming home with me, so there it is, and see ya soon!!!

Hey Sye!

Hurray - the site is working again, so I can make a proper comment! In a way, I'm glad I had time to mull it over, because my original critique was close to being one of those useless, "loved it - shelved" that many people seem annoyed by. However, while rereading the first chapter tonight, I did find that the opening paragraphs with the horseman bothered me a bit - it's such a brief introduction (albeit a very atmospheric one), then we meet Alisha and company, and spend time with them before hearing from the horseman again. If you don't mind me being a bit of a greedy reader, then I'd put in a request to spend a bit more time on the horseman in the beginning before switching POV's - I want to keep him in the back of my mind while reading the tavern scene, and right now his intro is such a brief blip, I kind of forgot about him in the interim (not surprising though, since I found Alisha so interesting).

Does that make sense? If not, feel free to disregard. Other than that, I enjoyed this very much, and have popped it up on my shelf.

~Traci

Hi Sye

Great atmospheric read, it really appealed to me. The only critique I really have is the use of the names "Dano" and "Diego" as there's a danger they sound so alike the characters might become confused with one another (or is that just me?) If you don't have a massive cast of characters you my as well choose names that are distant from one another.

Well, if that's the worst I can comment it must be good! Good luck with this!

Billie
XX

This piece reads like a modern Sodom and Gomorrah - wait, is this a modern piece? The one problem I had was that I couldn't place a time period - and you have to forgive me because this isn't my genre - I'm not sure if you it's necessary. One thing you do extremely well is your use of POV. We are right with Alisha - the camera filters everything through her even though it's 3rd person. You slip in one spot "Dano put his arm around her." Make that go through Alisha's camera as well - how does she react to it? Her thoughts should be there, even though the reader can guess them. We understand - she's a badass.

And so is the Horseman - he's is an interesting concept. He believes there is only one person worthy in the group - at this point, I have to assume that's Alisha. I'm taken in by this story. I'll have to read a little more, but you write well and I believe I'll back this...assuming the next few chapters are written as well as the first. I wish I had more time, but I have to get back to work - just wanted to leave a note before I left - best of luck - KJ