Unfamiliar Territory

The concept is very original, I'm loving the fact that you have a strong take on the idea as well. I've read the entirety of your book and I like it's flow, but many corrections need to be advised before it's absolutely sure on rating. Nevertheless, I will be looking towards your book in the future.

Best Of Wishes
A.D. Reid

Thank you for your kind comment. It is, as with all works I believe, a work in progress. I realize it's full of errors and that is something I need to work on more. :) Again, that you for taking the time to look at my work it is much appreciated.

I have started reading this – I have added it on my WL to continue to work my way through all the books I have been recommended.
Keep up the great work!

The concept is very original, I'm loving the fact that you have a strong take on the idea as well. I've read the entirety of your book and I like it's flow, but many corrections need to be advised before it's absolutely sure on rating. Nevertheless, I will be looking towards your book in the future.

Best Of Wishes
A.D. Reid

I love books about witches. Its a great premise and the Amy's voice is very authentic. I'll read more.

High points for voice and concept -- the idea is fun, good YA material, and the voices ring true for school girls.
Critique-wise, it can stand considerable polish in the form of line-by-line editing to fix clumsy wording or punctuation problems, which are considerable. Many schools have writing labs where tutors or volunteers can help with such things. If you don't have someone to do that you are welcome to send me a page as an email attachment, in Word format, and I can mark it up for you and send it back. You've done the most important part -- getting a draft down on paper; now it needs more careful attention. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/
todschneider@hotmail.com

keep the faith , you can do it.. love ya

Your pitch is very intriguing, but should “something in left field” be “something out of left field”?
I love the premise for your story and I think you have a really good understanding of what makes a book interesting to a YA audience.
Amy is really easy to sympathize with. She’s exasperated by her mother who is excited by her daughter’s coming of age and enthusiastically assures others that Amy “can’t wait” either. But Amy wishes she could wait; she wants to be ordinary; she wants to fit in with her normal friends. It adds a nice amount of tension and conflict to the story.
It was also really smart of you to have Amy dreading the ceremony and being glad it’s so far away only to have it surprisingly bumped up to a much sooner date.
Chapter two is full of tension, with the new boy in Amy’s class and then during her ceremony she summons what everyone claims is a demon.
I really like your book, so I hope you don’t mind if I do some nitpicking on some minor issues:
“Well it was that time” should be “Well, it was that time”
“the time where” should probably be “the time when”
“summon their very first familiar” should be in past tense like the rest of the sentence: “summoned their very first familiar”
“Her mother” it’s not clear until several paragraphs later just who the pronoun “her” refers to. Should probably be: “Amy’s mother”
“could not stop talking about the coming of age ceremony for weeks bragging” probably needs a comma after “ceremony”
“She hissed” again, should probably be “Amy hissed”
“Her mother cupped her hand” should probably start a new paragraph, and then the mother’s dialogue should probably be in that paragraph, not in a new one.
Should probably be a comma after “presentable”
“She was ready for school to be over with” and then the next sentence has “ready for high school to be over with” You could probably cut the second sentence as it’s a little redundant, merely restating what the first sentence says.
“Yeah well at least you’re not” needs some commas in there: “Yeah, well, at least you’re not”
“Amy gushed” “gushed” seems an odd choice of word here as she’s not really gushing, she’s complaining.
“What’s up mom” should be “What’s up, Mom”
“It was her favorite scent, she wore it often” should have a semi-colon after “scent” instead of a comma.
“So if I were you I would” should be “So, if I were you, I would”
“I won’t be eighteen in two weeks I thought” should have a semi-colon after “weeks”
“Her mother shrugged” should be in a new paragraph and her dialogue should be right after it in the same paragraph. And there should be a comma after “either”
“trudged upstairs to her bedroom to finish up homework” but she doesn’t even try to do homework she “curled up in her bed.” Maybe, have her start to study, but she can’t concentrate, or take out the line about the reason she went upstairs.
In chapter two:
“The next day at school”… “Once school was out” This makes it sound like the ceremony takes place the very next day, instead of two weeks later like the first chapter says it will be.
“creped out” should be “creeped out” My spell-check isn’t recognizing “creeped” as I think it’s a more modern usage/slang. “crepe” is both a kind of food and a kind of material.
“he really could care less” should be “he really couldn’t care less”
“I’m new here” is missing punctuation at the end of the sentence.
“Amy froze in fear without realizing it” I’m not sure why she wouldn’t realize it.
This might just be me, but it seems like Amy is overreacting just a little bit. So he seems a little bit arrogant and he smiles slightly when she thinks how annoying he is. Is there some way to make it seem like she isn’t just imagining this? He really doesn’t seem that weird or give Amy that much reason to freeze in fear or stifle a shudder.
Amy dislikes being around this new kid and wants to forget all about him, so why is it “Lucky for her the last period of the day he decided to show his face again”?
“give him a chance and talk to him the next chance she got” the two uses of “chance” in the same sentence read a little awkwardly.
“got into her ritual garb;” should have a colon after “garb” instead of a semi-colon.
“a long velvet cloak-purple” sounds a bit awkward. Maybe “ a long, purple velvet cloak”?
“Amy arrived at the old warehouse” … “The room was already cleared and set up for her.” …. “she stood in the middle of the room to do the spell.” This feels just a little bit rushed. You’ve been describing everything else so well; I would really love to know why they’re doing this in a warehouse, how it’s all set up, how many people are there and where they’re standing, etc. Does Amy really just walk in, walk right to the middle of the room and start the spell, or does she have to greet the elders respectfully, listen to them go on about how important this is, etc.
“eyes closed as she drew”…. “she could see out of the corner of her eye” At what point does she open her eyes?
She draws a circle, but later it is called a pentagram. They really aren’t the same shape.
“Amy had been briefed on the procedure for weeks” and yet she has to ask the familiar how this works and whether she has to get to know him. I’d think she’d know all this.
I’m equally confused about what happens after/during the ceremony. Would the elders and Amy’s mother really act all calm and pleased, even kneeling to show respect. Wouldn’t they all start freaking out right away as soon as they saw she’d summoned a demon instead of waiting to do so later? I can’t believe they would leave her alone with a demon that they believe she summoned by forbidden black magic. The same with her mother, who watched the whole thing, why would she smile and hug her and act proud of her only to get upset later; she proves later that she knows the boy is a demon.
“That’s my queue” should be “cue” a “queue” is a line.
Sorry about the really, really long comment. I hope it isn’t overwhelming or seems negative in any way. I think you’ve got a great story with a lot of potential and I’m looking forward to reading more of it.

Umfamiliar Territory.

Excellent title to an imaginitive story with lots of magic and witches..
You've written this well, its fast moving and it flows beautifully.
Your m/c is built up perfectly as a typical teenager with all the usual teenage problems - with witchcraft included.
lots of stars
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star,.

Witches and magic are always a very popular genre.

You have some great ideas, like familiars, and the fact that Amy has a pretty ordinary life like any other teenage girl. She also has plenty of teenage attitude!

I did feel you had an awful lot of detail in the first half of Chapter 1 and this slowed it down a little. Perhaps you could cut it down a bit (just my opinion).

The familiars are a nice touch. Good suspense at the end of chapter 2.

This is shaping up to be the kind of story youngsters love to read.

Starring it and wishing you all the best.

Debbie

I think there will always be a niche for stories like this, and the public love the thought of witches and spells. You have captured your MC well with her adolescent I know better than any one attitude. A few typos etc but I have loads! So this didn't bother me. I am more interested in how the story flows and characterization and I feel you are spot on. All the best to you, Karen, Faking it in France.

It's good - I like it. Amy may be coming of age but she also sounds like a very typical teenage girl, with a moody attitude.

It's an usually story well written and fast moving.

It will appeal to the Harry Potter fans and the Lion Witch and the Wardrob fans (of which I am one) Most young adults/teenager will love this book. You just be on to a winner here.

I Look forward to reading on.

Well done

Dean

LADIES NIGHT
ROUGH JUSTICE

UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY
This book is an inside look at a whole different world. Amy is a good main character for it because she takes the idea of becoming an adult witch casually; as if a lot of people do that every day. I think you’ll find a young adult audience of this of people who still love magic from the Harry Potter days but also are ready for a female heroine. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Good

I love the concept! It really reminded my of the Mayfair witch trilogy by Anne Rice in a way. But I LOVE the concept of having the human familiar potentially being a demon and how the rest of the coven accuses her of dark magic. I mean, this is a real page turner, and the whole concept felt new and exciting to me. I loved it!

Few notes:

18th Birthday - birthday doesn't need to be in caps
Amy froze in fear without realizing it wondering if he could... missing comma before wondering. Always add a comma before a new action/process ending in -ing.
In the last two paragrpahs in ch. 2, both are missing the ending punctuation.

Other than basic grammar issues, well done and big stars!

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An enchanting start. Clever premise. Amy is a captivating main character. I'm interested in seeing how she handles the adventures in front of her. Your descriptions are effective. There is plenty of tension. The pacing is smooth.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'A familiar would always go to the witch or warlock whose power's compliment theirs.' Power's (possessive) should be powers (plural).
2) "It's only my 18th birthday for Merlin's sake!" Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases in this chapter where numbers should be spelled out.
3) ' ... and drove to school in her newly acquired ford Taurus.' Capitalize 'ford.'
4) I never got anything below an "A minus". 'I' should be 'she.'
5) 'That was gabby, always joking.' Capitalize 'gabby.' There is another case in this chapter where 'gabby' should be capitalized.
6) "Hey girl hey" Amy greeted ... Comma before and after 'girl.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. Also, comma after the second 'hey.' 'Amy greeted' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
7) "What's up mom?" Amy asked. Comma after 'up.' As mentioned above, when you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case later in this chapter where you address someone and didn't offset their name or title with a comma. Also, capitalize 'mom.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it become a proper noun and is capitalized.
8) "Mom!" She exclaimed. 'She' should be lowercase. 'She exclaimed' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word in the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Vanora.

Al

YARG review-
I don't really read much in this genre, so I can't tell you much. There are places where you definitely need to add commas, just to make it easier to understand the sentences. A lot happens in the first two chapters. I think you could take more time to tell us about the strange boy and so forth; it just adds more to the plot and makes the story more tense. Not too many typos that I saw--editing will take care of those.
Good luck!
Noelle J. Alabaster

YARG Review of chapter one

My spelling is shiiiit she bear with me :)

Pitch:Short pitch i liked, long pitch not so much. lenghten it out a bit and add a bit more of the plot to teese us with :)
Plot: after only one chapter its hard to tell but i do really like what you have done with it so far. good charactor intergration.
Sentance's: watch the over run of sentances dragged on using commas. i full stop should go where ever a reader should take a breath.
Flow: It flows pretty well i dont see any major hick ups. nothing a good bit of editing wont help.
Overall: overall i think this needs a bit of editing but then so dose alot of things on here lol i like your book and will continue reading and have giving it a fair rating :)

Tid-bits: No need to say maternal grandmother. grandmother is just enough.

Buy a new car, a brand new life. Try- buy a new car and hopfully a brand new life.

Watch out on using the word she to much, try using her name sometimes.
so instead of saying: she puffed her cheeks up, blowing the air out noisily. she changed into her pajamas, turned off her light near her bed and went to sleep.
Try- Amy puffed up her cheeks and let the air explosed noisily. Then changed into her pajamas, turning the light off near the bed as she went. this is a good place for a full stop.

instead of saying form fitting you just need to say tight dark jeans. also i have no idea what sweaters that were all the rage you are talking about.

Watch out you seem to skip between 3rd peron and 1st person views with your writing. Eg: the teacher saw and never cared because her work was top notch. -- then you go on to say: I never got anything below and A minus.

Hi Vanora,

I made a start on Unfamiliar Territory tonight. It seemed to flow very well. And I loved the swearing - 'for Merlin's sake'. But I tried to come up with some helpful feedback too. I thought the initial exposition, in the opening paragraph, could maybe have been filtered through the narrative. Also, two textual things: 'I never got' (quote mark in wrong place, missing italics for thought or 'I' unintentional?); and there was one lower-case 'gabby'. Anyway, I hope that's something to be going on with. Apart from the small things like that, I usually find it's best to wait till a consensus emerges in the feedback. I wish you all the best with it and I look forward to coming back for more.

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Hi,
Came for a YARG review.
I read the first two chapters and you have an intriguing premise here. I could see young adults enjoying this.
The dialogue is realistic for teenagers and the attitude of Amy seems to be spot on, considering what she is being accused of.
I like it when fantasy stories have their own storyline and bring in new ideas. The idea of a familiar is a good one.
All in all I think this is a great beginning, I enjoyed what I read, and didn't get side tracked from the story. I must say I can't believe her mother disowned her so quickly and didn't try and defend her. Lots of hooks to keep the readers interest.
I noted down some nitpicks just when you're next editing. See what you think, I hope its helpful.
Cheers for the read and best of luck with this one.
Jacoba

Chapter one

...looks, ranging from birds to people. ( comma needed)

Once she worked side by side with talents that helped with hers, instead of hindering, that was when the true power showed itself. ( comma's needed)

She invited everyone she could get hold of, thoroughly mortifying her daughter.( take out first had and add comma)

..sake!" she hissed ( lower case for dialogue tag after an exclamation mark or a question mark)
She never got anything below an A minus ( had I, need to keep it in third person)
..sat down opposite her. ( not of her)

Chapter two

creeped out ( had creped)

Amy groaned internally ( verb first then adverb)