Entwined

Fabulously easy style that sucks you in. Apparently effortlessly written and an engaging story. First class. If this doesnt find a publisher I will give up on life!
Andrea

Great first chapter and very funny. High stars!!

Happily rebacking and happy new year!

Its a clever story line and well put together. I can read into the fact that this must have taken a lot of planning before you put finger to key. As I continued to read I enjoyed it more and more. Smooth lines with a quirky feel. A good read. Scores highly.
Sean

This is well-written. You introduce a lot of terms, time and places in the first chapter that would need an explanation. But it wasn't confusing and it was enjoyable. What is "loooong?"

Good start.

Abby

Great idea - Columbus all over again. I always go for character based books and your characters are lovely again, totally three dimensional. I really like the end of ch. 5 'Marsha's eyes shift about, confused, like a small child, lost in a crowd. I wish I wasn't here...' That's always the trouble with getting your own back - so true.

Nice read :-)
thank you again for backing LONDON.
backing yours!
jim

Hi Rodney, haven't been on much lately. Thank you for backing LONDON. I'm starting on your work. On WL for now.

many blessings!
jim

An intriguing first chapter with a likeable main character which sets up the next chapter to answer some of the questions in number one. Will read more. David

God, we need more comedy in the world. A lot of people can't write like that. It takes a certain genius to write with a sense of humor. and you have done it. Six stars>

Very interesting book.
The pitch seems a bit long but it is well worded.
It has a really different spin to it. Yet the story has a good style of pacing and flow to it. The character development seems a little slow but not bad.
The title fits it well.
Good work with this.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to get to this book. I’ve had it on my ‘to read’ list ever since you first messaged me that you had a new book up.

First off—I love your pitches. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and they tell me the story will be amusing and clever. I’m eager to meet Evelyn and Fender.

You’ve got peddling bikes where you want pedaling bikes.

Jimmy Crust! This is inventive and funny. I love the place names and the strange words and I think kids will also like them. This world is much like ours with its artichokes and artichoke related ceramics, yet like nowhere I’ve ever been. Kids tease each other—you write this very realistically—just as they do in our world

The more I read, the more I like it.

Back peddling should be back-pedaling.

I’m not seeing the issues with backstory that other reviewers have mentioned. Is this more of a work-in-progress than Greendale was??

Mr. Thumbsitter! I love that. Dang, I never thought of having Caroline find a vibrator in her locker. That would have sent a message.

Well, I have nothing else to say. It’s marvelous. Well done.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Reading your book I have noticed a comma missing from the first line of the first paragraph. Well i believe its missing anyway, but im not that good with punctuation as it is.
But as for the rest of it I enjoyed reading very much, its a great start.
I would recommed to friend and also people just looking for a good book to read.
5 stars given :D
Ellen Michelle

Hard to take Mr Wank and Wankville very seriously. It's like having a teacher called Mrs Pissflaps. Might need to make changes for the British edition.

You've created a very complete world and I have to say I loveit, love everything about it. From Jimmy Chrust to weasel juice. Very inventive and amusing. Although took a while for me to work out why Methania got fart noises added.

The start of the story was a bit woolly. I felt the back and forth got a bit convoluted and Miss Wolf's 'flesh eating sardines' comment got a bit buried under her excess verbiage. I get you're going for heavy sarcsm, but I think you went overboard (a little nautical humour for you there).

Eve is a very engaging heroine, I enjoyed her company. Thought the backstory of how she met Jill was unnecessary and a bit dull. Jill's entry to the diner where she almost gets into a fight was a much better introduction, in my opinion, and I don't think you gained anything from the earlier stuff (although what do I know?).

I thought her parent were well written and her tutor and her grandpa were both well realised. Solid, funny writing. got a strong sense of her as an independent spirit who won't be stopped, but also got a strong idea of the world she lives in. Kudos.

I've only read the first chapter, but so far I like it. You clearly have a talent for storytelling. Your writing flows steadily and it's easy enough to read and keep reading. You've written your characters very well, they seem quite real. Your dialogue also seems very realistic.
Again I've only read the first chapter, so I can't really give a proper comment. I intend to keep this on my WL and read on when I have the time.

Highly starred.
Karen. =)

You have a great storytelling voice and a great idea for coming of age story. A nice mix of recognisable human touches and off-beat fewman touches - very well done for that. There's just enough to remind us this isn't our world, but not overdone.

Saying that - I do have a couple of issues.
Firstly - there's a lot of technical sailing jargon that I skipped over, and I suspect a lot of other readers will skip over too. You clearly know how to sail, but your reader doesn't need to know all the tiny details. If you can trim these down, I think it will help keep the flow of the story.

Secondly - this is the big'un. I think you have too much backstory. It's only from Chapter 10/11/12 that the story really kicks off, as promised in your pitches. Your pitches say the story is about a girl shipwrecked on an island, so the reader expects this to happen pretty quickly. Instead, we get about four years of backstory. Yes, some of it is necessary. Her sailing lessons with Brad, the fact her Grandmother disappeared after going sailing. But, the part-time work, the messing around with vibrators...they're not moving the story along any. If Eve is going to spend the majority of the book on her own, on this island with a Methanian boy, why do we need to know about the class bully and the boy her best friend ends up spending time with (or even the best friend herself)? I seriously think you should look at these chapters and cut the unnecessary details so that the story progresses at a better pace. If the characters are needed later on, then deal with them later on; if she's sailing or shipwrecked, there'll be a lot of time for flashbacks and memories. Get the story started - get her on her boat, out at sea and finding the weird message in a bottle. That's where your story kicks off for me.

Please ignore me if you'd rather. I have been known to get things completely wrong. I'm just saying what I feel as an avid reader, and as someone who's enjoying your writing style (a few minor typos here and there - watch out for your/you're and some other homonyms). I really do wish you the best of luck with this.
Stacey

I have only read a little so far, but I loved the language and the idea, and the images. It reminded me of when I was young and spent most of my time in a daydream of imagining. Looking forward to reading on, so on my watchlist while I do.

I like this watery world of yours.
I enjoyed reading the first chapter, ten I skipped around a little.
Your writing is very good and consitent. You handle dialogue in a very convincing way and it is your strength.
Don't listen to people who suggest you need more descriptive prose - you don't! You're telling a story and you succeed in that without cluttering your writing with loads of horrible adjectives and adverbs.
The pace is good and the characterisation of your MC is also excellent.
It's hard to believe the lack of education you describe in your 'about me' thing.
I think this is great writing, very quick and easy to read and it paints great pictures.
Well done.
Backed without hesitation.

Well written, well edited, had me reading on from the first chapter. Will comment properly when I have read more.
Cariad.

Those pitches read much better!
They bring out the characters - and yours too?!!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Entwined.
Rodney Jonez.

You’re certainly a creative writer. There’s good description throughout the story, but to me it’s a bit too slow up to ch.4. The scene in the classroom is okay, but I think there’s too much about the actual sailing—what’s going on in the boat, Brad giving Evelyn tuition.
I had to laugh about the remote vibrator, it was timed right, I kept on reading.
I’m sure you have the writing skill to pep the story up a bit more.
The dialogue is fine, very well done and I like your style.
Both pitches are good, but the book cover lacks a punch.
I will come back for more later on.
Pleased to star rate it for now.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest –The Time zone.

Entwined. A strange cover - dog and cat entwined! Both pitches give an account of what happens in the book (the long one is a bit muddled), but they need to show more engagement and emotion to lure the reader in. With hindsight, I dont think you've done yourself justice with them.

Ch.1. You write well, and I can see how you mean 'offbeat'. Some lovely words - calopakers - and they're all midgets, of sorts. Looks like you've had fun writing this.

Chs.2-3. The narrator knows what she wants - doesnt stop 'til she gets it. Why do I keep thinking she's a he?
I like the veiled humour, too.
Somehow, I cant leave it along. Nothing much happens, except for some sailing lessons - a definite means to an end - and now a dildo.

Ch2. 4-5 More sailing lessons. I, too, enjoyed sailing; dinghies, so I know what it feels like, and you knowwhat you're talking about. Brad's story reminds me ofHemingway's Old Man and the Sea. Except it's not as good as Hemingway!
And pranks.

The story is a bit slow moving, but the writing is very good indeed. Not a nit in sight.
I'm getting to know Eve, and a bit about her friend Jill. Then that revelation about her grandmother - the plot unfolds steadily, in its own time.
Just one more chapter.

Oh - it's locked for editing.

Thankyou for the read. Multi-starred. And thankyou for your support of mine.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Well, like you said, this book is weird!
Very enjoyable though. I've noticed some comments saying that they feel it should be Young Adult. I don't feel that way inclined, I feel as though this book is written for adults that want to read young adult's book that's for them. I can't properly explain it though, the best way for me to do this is to say I felt a little bit naughty everytime I read 'wank' out of the normal context!
It's a clever alternate reality, you've created. I love the place names, they're great! I'm guessing Lemuria is based on the mythical continent of the same name.

I've only read the first 5 chapters so far, and will be reading more. I can't wait to see where it goes.

Starred and will back it shortly!

Good luck,
Adam

I like it. It is a fun read, familiar, but off center a bit. I look forward to reading more,

I had fun reading this. Evelyn is a strong character, with plenty of determination and intelligence. There's a good mystery here as well. The dialog is great and funny in parts.

I know you haven't categorized your book, calling it simply fiction. But it's easier to sell a novel and get published when you know the genre. To me, this looks like a young adult adventure fantasy. The only problem with placing it in that genre is that some of the language and sexual content is for a mature audience. Still, it's possible for a book about teens to be for adults.

If you want to get this published or sell it, you may want to reconsider posting the entire novel on here for free because that can make those goals difficult. And I do think you have a shot at getting this published.

I'll back it. Well done.

Brian Bandell

this is what you promise, a nice, quirky romance. an enjoyable read, as a whole.
j
what every woman should know

Nice characterization, competent writing and a very original story. Well done and to be backed. Marj.

An error loading the text stopped me from reading this. I will try again later.

I have read up to chapter 9 and is flows well. Some loose grammar I suspect but I am not qualified to speak on that as I am not that good myself. Before sending it to someone it may pay to get someone professional to look through it. I personally like the ease that your style brings to the story. The constant “cross-world” links that you have with names hint at something to come and bring the reader back to the fact that this is a different place but could be linked to here – will have to read to the end to find out.
The characters are fun and well developed.
The only thing that grated, in Chap 2 I think (and this is probably a personal thing), is the use of awesome in any of its horrid present day forms –along with cool, probably the most over used, non-expletive, words in the language. I know you are pitching it at a younger audience but they don’t need encouragement in dumbing down the language, the politicians can do that for them [ this is meant as a light hearted comment in case it reads differently :- ) ]
Great effort
Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

Interesting that you don't classify this as YA. For me it has that feel (though I suspect in an Animal Farm kind of way).

Love that a month's allowance wouldn't buy a gallon of petrol!


A few minor observations:

The first para of the first chapter had a few echoes of 'out'.

I'm not sure about the note at the end of chapter two (it might fit better with chapter three where there's more discussion of the boat, but personally--admitedly as a non-sailor--I didn't feel a need for it).

There's a conversation between Evelyn and her grandfather in chapter three that, for me, perhaps has too much unbroken dialogue (also her grandfather uses her name more often than seems natural to me).

Actually, there's more unbroken dialogue shortly afterwards. I feel the balance between narrative, dialogue and action is perhaps a little out of kilter in this chapter.

But, yes I enjoyed this: five stars and on my shelf.

This is an engaging story and Evelyn is a great character, who clearly takes after her grandmother. I'm not convinced you need such a preamble to her voyage and wonder if you need to condense the opening chapters or start the story later in her life. The alternate earth on the whole works, but I would suggest you go for completely different names rather than altering real ones e.g. Americus, or alternately as Philip Pullman does in his Northern lights trilogy, keeps the names of places exactly the same (he sets it in an alternate Cambridge). Good luck with this it is full of life and imagination. Juliet

I absolutely love your story, and actually laughed outloud when the teacher said there was a great big man eating muffin out there....that was too funny. I like the Evelyn's inner thoughts. I like the way you use dingbats. I actually wrote a story as a child about dingbats (batlike creatures, and your use of the word, makes me laugh as I remember my story of dingbats). She's a great character. your writing is smooth, and draw the reader in immediately. Great job! I am putting you in my WL and giving you six stars. you should do well here. Your story is imaginative and original, which is lacking in many of the stories here on Autho!

I really love it!! Good luck with this!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I absolutely love your story, and actually laughed outloud when the teacher said there was a great big man eating muffin out there....that was too funny. I like the Evelyn's inner thoughts. I like the way you use dingbats. I actually wrote a story as a child about dingbats (batlike creatures, and your use of the word, makes me laugh as I remember my story of dingbats). She's a great character. your writing is smooth, and draw the reader in immediately. Great job! I am putting you in my WL and giving you six stars. you should do well here. Your story is imaginative and original, which is lacking in many of the stories here on Autho!

I really love it!! Good luck with this!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Just caught a typo you might want to fix:
in chapter two the word "to" is missing from the sentence "I'm about ready __ walk away in defeat."

Just took a look at your opening chapter and I like it. Your main character is well drawn, and you have just the right mix of normal and exotic elements to make the interesting points pop out. Your dialogue flows, and you slip in description with ease. Nicely done!
Thanks,
Tod Schneider
Lost Wink

You have a great story here. Very creative, one I would buy. Your characters were well developed and likeable. For me your chapters started to get a llittle short, other then that, I enjoyed your story.

Jill

Reality

I just finished reading chapter two and I have to say you write with a very original and believable voice. The punctuation you use would make a grade school English teacher cringe but you wield it beautifully. It lends a flow and realism to your doiligue I have never seen before. Nice job and thanks so much for the read. High stars from me for sure!

I have not finished reading ... there is a great lesson in dialogue-writing here, and it´s just too good to read through at normal speed.

Every word the characters say, every point they make, their voices; Evelyn´s little chat with Van is precious -- the whole thing is just right.

The setting is well described - not too much, not too little - and the sailing lessons are a hoot.

Entwined -- Backed, starred to the hilt, and highly recommended.

Elina
CLASH

Entwined will make a

This was very enjoyable to read. Your characters come alive and our living and breathing. Their dialogue is true and I did not find a strained nor awkward line.
I love the cover picture from the Hubble images. Very eye catching and thought provoking.
Highly starred and recommended. :)

Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

Hi Rodney,
I read 1-5, and I wish I was where you are where the sun never sinks, cos I'd have a few more hours to indulge. Still, there's tomorrow to read more.

I'm totally fascinated by your writing, imagination, creativity and humour. You conjure up a different world, and yet it's ours, brimming with commercialism, bland education, shallow innuendos and boring girlie battles and then . . . there is this other world where Evelyn wants to be, away from the tight rigidity of a boring classroom, out there with the wind and the waves where the sky meets all our expectations and makes our dreams come true.

I thoroughly enjoyed your characterisations which come alive in ingenious dialogue, I immersed myself joyfully in your metaphysicals and felt my heart lifted by your big-hearted and gracious attitude, embodied in this youthful and single-minded MC. And the names . . . God, they were second to none! What a vivid mind can do when the juices flow is apparent on every page, cos you show us the way in an effortless and still ever so gentle manner. I have sailed before and must say that in my view you've captured the mood perfectly.

The present tense adds to immediacy and I couldn't think of a single thing to criticise. This book looks so promising, from my particular angle on life I'm calling it genius. 6 stars and backed. Just give me a day.

Ame

Hi Rodney
I came back as promised and read your first chapter. First off - loved it - great voice, reminded me of Stephen King in glimpses and that cant be bad. Good humour and good characterisation through dialogue. Also Im hooked with the whole promise of adventure and Lemira just beyond the horizon so job well done. I rarely give six stars but felt this deserved it so what the hell. I've watchlisted and will read more and find a place on my shelf for it as soon as I can.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Entwined ... by Rodney Jonez ...
A very satisfying read, with a whiff of metaphysics. Evelyn's voice is fresh and likeable. The food-terms made me smile ... hamberry bagel, deep fried breaded choke hearts ... and the Zin thing ... and, having read in your previous works, the link to The other Mr. Bax :) This is a must read for any adventurous sailing enthusiast, and anyone who was ever driven by a yearning that defies reason. Evelyn is determined to follow her dream, is lost at sea and shipwrecks on an island. She slips through a Mandorla into an entwinded world, overcomes a slight (ha, ha, however did think it up?) language difficulty and finds love for herself, and substance. The story is delightfully imaginative. I was carried along through all chapters, enjoying it enormously. Best success.

your heavy use of dialogue sticks out here and shows your skill as a writer...good book, well told...
godd enough to back...
read SEASONS...

Have just read the first 3 chapters after seeing your plug on the forums, it was the pitch that caught my attention. Very original, really well written.
First off - I love the pace to this, the freshness of Evelyn and the way we are eased into her world. The humour, the lightness is carried off really well. (The name Leonard Wank really made me giggle ... but then, I'm childish!) I'm unsure who exactly this is pitched at, YA? or Adult? It's a difficult one to call, my natural response was YA, but I don't know if I've read enough to be able to tell. I would say the use of English, pace, setting, tone and humour are definitely pitched towards kids ...

I like this, really easy to read and easy to be swept up into Evelyn's world. I'm WLing this and would like to come back and read some more.

5 stars and a pat on the back :)

The first thing that hit me about this was the humour. This girl is funny, and immediately I'm engaged with her life and want her to vanquish her enemies and sail to Lemuria [have you read Ann Davison's amazing books, by the way? FINAL VOYAGE and MY BOAT IS SO SMALL. Your MC has more than a tang of her]. I've skipped my way through and see that she makes it, and has grown a lot by ch 48, which explains the curious misfit in ch 1 of a high school setting with Wanks and fucks in it - at first I thought this was YA, now not sure. And that could be a problem. Adults are notoriously bad at taking an interest in a teenage protagonist [apart maybe from Holden Caulfield, I can't think of another famous one offhand], and they might skip over this one in a bookshop - which would be their loss, because this is a witty, unusual story. Best of luck with it - and if you edit or revise, let me know. Five stars for now. Frances.

Great start to a novel. I just fell into it and was carried along by confident writing and a comfortable flow.
I haven't read as much as I'd like, but I can see you can write.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hi Rodney

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Love your book cover! The fire rings in contrast with the blue eye creates a great contrast, and the rings lead the viewer directly to the center of the cover. fantastic!