8 Months to Life

Katie, I have read thru Chapter 5. Here are some comments. I want to read more for I can see that a powerful story is wanting to be told. A diary form has its strengths and its limitations. I would like to see this work presented in its most genuine and powerful rendering. My comments are simply something to think about, just my reactions to the read. Anyone could argue that all are my comments are wrong and quite often those persons are right, but nonetheless here is what I thought.

Chapter 1
I cannot handle being mother, father,…
I have been criticized for not using contractions in my writing such as can’t instead of cannot. It is (It’s) up to you of course to use contractions or not, just be true to the voice of the speaker.
I know jugglers in the circus…
Does the speaker actually know jugglers or does she imagine knowing jugglers. A person speaks honestly and forthrightly to their selves in a diary.
They are 5 and 8, and that is young enough…
Unlikely that a person would state the ages of their siblings to a diary in which the page is dated. She may argue with herself about their ages or something to that effect.
I would start a new paragraph in the diary at the sentence “I nudged her.” , but a person can write a diary anyway they want.
Chapter 2
Again, stating the ages of her sisters. Instead of “Sarah is 13 and a drama queen.”, what about saying “Sarah is the thirteen year old drama queen”, or something to that effect and likewise with the other two sisters. As a reader, I am glad to know that information but I feel that I am learning those facts by being told rather than learning those things by reading her thoughts written in her diary. Her diary is the only person she can speak to, never to anyone else.
“I am Lucy the level-headed.” I think her diary already knows her name. If we learn the name of the person writing the diary it would have to be from a direct quote she includes in her diary of someone addressing her by her name in the context of the quote. e.g. Sarah said, “I hate you, Lucy”. She didn’t mean it I knew. We made up later when I gave her half of my candy bar.
Chapter 5
“I just heard a knock downstairs.” Is she writing in her diary when she hears a knock downstairs and thinks it is so important to her diary to write that fact down? Additionally, does she carry her diary with her to the window and write down her every action as it happens, not knowing what importance the events depict in advance of them actually happening. If the event is important then it was written later as a remembrance I would think. If that is true then “I am not prepared for this.” Would become “I was not prepared for this.”

Will read more and comment when I have time.
Sincerely, Tom
the orphanage at Cherry Hill

Hey Meave,
Thanks for the review.
I think you had some very good ideas about giving her something that she needs to complete during the first part of the book so she has something that she is can keep the story going (putting a little bit about the project of plan every time she writes, that way she can still say what she needs to say but it is at least somewhat connected). One potential could be her trying everything she can to get out of this foster home but I was kind of thinking that would start after the running away.
I am a little bit conflicted about making the problems 'worse' and added severe abuse. I think it would create a more intense situation and that the character would have a better opportunity to develop, but on the other hand I would like to be able to show it to a young adult audience and I find that whenever one hears of overly intense pieces of abuse within stories they believe it to be too fanciful to be real (and I like the idea of the book having a realistic undertone).
I have looked through and made a few changes on my draft and I will look them over, add some things and post the edits later. It is funny some of the stuff you miss when you are editing your own work. The [of] brackets were actually a change made by one of my friends (and the person I will call my first editor), lol.
Thank you again, I will take your comments into account as I work to continue the book :)

Katie,
I read all 25 chapters that you posted. 
This is a very well written, 11-year old perspective, diary novel. You capture the tone and voice of preadolescent very well, and present her plight in an engaging way. It is a fluid easy read, and I think it is a good beginning to a story. 
However, I come away feeling that either I have not read enough of this story to really judge it, or that it is a bit too tame for it's subject matter. For that reason, I would recommend that you consider either posting more of the story until you get to a point in the narrative where the situation gets substantially worse than it is at chapter 25, or make some aspects of her plight more extreme, more "wrong". 
You come close at various points, like when Lucy scrapes herself with a rusty fence, when her mother is drinking, and with Carol. But you have kept things pretty tame so far, making the abusive high point her punishment for running away. You seem to have a crescendo going here, and I think that if you let your Authonomy reviewers see a higher plateau the reviews will be more helpful. 
Hook and plot- you start out quite well and have a good first chapter hook. In fact, part of me felt that you should have spent longer at her home on order to escalate the madness. The scene where her mother asks her to hit her is disturbing and compelling. The plot development after she gets taken from her home lags a bit, because she is so unclear about her fate. This is of course appropriate and truthful, but for the sake of plot development you should consider giving her a sense of purpose- something she feels she needs to accomplish (does not have to be getting back home, but it must be compelling) to move the plot forward. It can even be something incidental, like preparing a project for school. Otherwise, the chapters feel a bit disconnected, and Lucy seems a bit passive. 
Character development- you really cannot get closer to an 11 year old girl than through her diary. And yet, I don't feel I know Lucy much more than her social workers do. This is partly due to the tone of writing, the tone of a diary is ironically not the most suited for character development. This is because Lucy says what happens to her and how she feels, but we do not see her develop. This is not a bad thing because, again, it would be a strange 11 year old that could be introspective enough to convey the development of her character though her journal entries. However, this mechanism that you have chosen does limit your avenues, and plot becomes more important.
Tone- the tone is one of the strongest features of this book. Lucy's voice comes out loud and clear, and as a parent of young children, I am moved by the situations that befall her.
Mechanics- are very good and I found very few typos, which I point out later.
All in all, I think that you have a very good beginning here. Again, it may be absolutely perfect as it is depending on what comes next, and so I really recommend that if you have a strong plot development moment coming up you include it in your posting. If it will be a while, then I recommend that you make matters a bit worse (although in the real world Lucy's mother's behaviour would be grounds for having her children taken away, a furious rampage with throwing pots and cutlery would help heighten the situation; and although Carol verges on the criminal, perhaps some worse  behaviour like (maybe hazing) may make the read more compelling.) 

My comments as I read
1
"I know jugglers in the circus that have less to worry about. "
Not really, right? Maybe "I bet that ..."
Excellent first chapter hook. 
2 
Very good, disturbing. I love how you mix this twistedness with her childhood love of books. 
3
Good
4 Good- twisted, but good.  

6
I told myself not to breath.". Breathe. 
I recommend that she say that she just had time to grab her diary before leaving- would help keep the realism going. 
7 she says that it was a lie that there were kids her age, but in fact one of the foster children is. 
8
"windows [of] some of the classrooms.  They started making faces at the students inside.  They were". Brackets odd 
Stressful with the scratch. Will she get sick?
9
"They look like their doing really well. " they're

Here the tone seems to leave the 11 year old tone, in my opinion. 


12 good moment with the lice.  
 14
A can of beer seems like too little to get her that drunk.  Maybe a bottle of whiskey?


18. Sweet & sad
19. Ouch. 
20 saw some typos. 
21
Sister's should be "sisters"
25
"but there was about half a bottle her and I had " there instead of her?

Best of luck with it. Let me know if you post more.
Best,
Maeve

Katie,

I have only read 2 chapters, but I already know that this is a powerful and important piece of work.

Your narrative is really excellent and you tell the story in a wonderful, logical way. The diary form really helps in this style.

I found one sentence that was not clear at first reading (or second, so I must be fick!): "Sarah is kind of hot-head, always thinking after she does." I then realised that you meant she acts before she thinks - maybe you could clarify this for us lesser mortals?

Best regards
Warrick

Hey Warrick,
Thanks for the comments. I will definitely change that, I think I had my `11 year old girl brain`` on, lol...even I rarely understand the 11 year old girl within :P lol

Katie,

I have only read 2 chapters, but I already know that this is a powerful and important piece of work.

Your narrative is really excellent and you tell the story in a wonderful, logical way. The diary form really helps in this style.

I found one sentence that was not clear at first reading (or second, so I must be fick!): "Sarah is kind of hot-head, always thinking after she does." I then realised that you meant she acts before she thinks - maybe you could clarify this for us lesser mortals?

Best regards
Warrick

Hey Katie, I love your book. If I could give you a few suggestions, your writing sounds more like a novel than a diary entry. I say that because you say, "I just heard a knock downstairs" in chapter five. I think you should say something along the lines of, "Just when I thought the tv show couldn't get any more boring, I hear a brief knock coming from downstairs." And I would definitely describe the house, because for a second I thought your mom was in a basement, lol. It could be as easily as saying, "I am sitting in mom's second story bedroom, she doesn't use it much."

Your book is really good. It hurts my soul to know that some children actually experience this type of tramatic situations. Great Job.

It is sad, but I think that is why this is a story that should be told, for the kids who are going through similar things so that they do not feel alone.
I will definitely see about editing my language to make it a little more diary-esque-it's funny, in the beginning, I thought writing diary style would be so much easier but it makes describing things a lot more difficult, lol.

Thank you for the nice comments and suggestions :)

Hey Katie, I love your book. If I could give you a few suggestions, your writing sounds more like a novel than a diary entry. I say that because you say, "I just heard a knock downstairs" in chapter five. I think you should say something along the lines of, "Just when I thought the tv show couldn't get any more boring, I hear a brief knock coming from downstairs." And I would definitely describe the house, because for a second I thought your mom was in a basement, lol. It could be as easily as saying, "I am sitting in mom's second story bedroom, she doesn't use it much."

Your book is really good. It hurts my soul to know that some children actually experience this type of tramatic situations. Great Job.

Haha, thank you for your real comments. I really hope you are not just saying it has potential because you felt bad :)
For the title, I find it kind of a 3 prong title. First off it represents the amount of time she is in foster care. Secondly it sounds like a prison because she feels trapped, no freedom, far away from everything she has ever known. And the third is the idea that being in foster care is like a life sentence, always embarrassed about what happened. I will definitely keep thinking of new titles because I new the prison idea would come in eventually.
I wasn't sure about the pitch (I am sure you have guessed by now but I am ridiculously new at this, lol.
For the uppercase/lowercase thing I am not really sure. I know when I was younger every once in a while I would write a few words in uppercase so I know when looking but that I was serious, lol.
The dialogue thing is really hard, I could kind of feel the inauthenticity as I was writing a little bit. If you have any ideas I would love to hear them, it's hard because in order to get the full picture of everything or at least the major incidents. The only idea I can think of is writing a short blurb of dialogue of things that happened before the diary entry that cannot be explained without dialogue (because in my later chapters they do that a lot).
An epilogue might fix the problem of the sisters but I think that Lucy would describe herself as "Lucy the Level-Headed", less as a nickname and more as something she is forced to be in the sucky situations (it's kind of like a sigh for being stuck).
Thank you for the potential comment, I hope you are not just trying to be nice. I think it is awesome that you took the time to look through and give me ideas about what you think would improve my book (that is what I am here for).
Do you have any opinions about the age group? I am aiming for 9-13...appropriate? Inappropriate?

Title: When I first read your title, I thought was this a jail story? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but that was my initial guess. It’s a good title though. Could be better like everything else. My book title used to be HMD. :) No one knew what that meant and the point of it was that no was was able to figure out what it stands for until the end of book 4 of the 5-book series. Everyone hated the title, even my mom. So I changed it to: MY FRIEND ARE DEAD PEOPLE. Which is a great title. Very catchy and will draw in readers without them even reading the pitch or summary. Though I still like HMD, I understand why the new one works better. Your book title is like a 7 out of 10. It’s good. However, always keep trying to come up with something else. Who knows you might come up with something really good. Or not. I do like your title though.

Pitch: Leave out as much description as you can. A pitch should be short and concise. and pull the reader in with a sentence or two. period. You don’t need ‘young life apart-an’. You can just say: An 11-year-old girl attempts to deal with family separation, mother’s alcoholism and trying to be normal. However, I think that this pitch and the one you have now can be even better.

Since it’s a diary entry shouldn’t you have “LOVE” and “REALLY” in lowercase? not a big deal but it seems to me that it shouldn’t be uppercase. I know you are trying to stress the fact. Also, for “SO”.

Curious why a eleven year old has to be a mother and father. That’s your pull in the beginning for me.

‘. . . like she used to. “I don’t deserve food,” she said . . .’ this doesn’t feel like a diary. maybe say something like . . . like she used to. She told me I didn’t deserve food. Or something like that. Leave “she said” “he said” out of diaries. It comes off as false. HA! and you use this in the next paragraph “She told me she had a plan”. :)

So now I’m on chap2. So every chapter is a diary entry? Interesting. I like it a lot (not a prank lol). Now I’m not sure how you should go about with the dialogue. This is going to be tough. Are you fine with the way you have it now? I bet you can come up with a unique way of using dialogue in an entry or somehow having dialogue totally separate from the diary all together. Tell me how you feel about it and if you want me to think of some ideas for you on it.

“she asked us to hit her over and over” very sad moment. :( Great moment though. I feel for the mother and it says a lot about her as a character. But when the mother asked her daughter to hit her harder after she had hit her in the arm it comes off as weird. I don’t think you want the mother to come off as a psycho/weirdo. Or do you?

You know what’s funny: since this is all a diary you can get away with a lot of grammar errors because it’s a diary of an eleven year old. It’s VERY important that you show the reader Lucy’s voice right away in the first two chapter and maintain it. You can show it many ways. It could just be a word or sentence she likes to use a lot. like: cool. awesome. that is so cool. neato. so and so is such a snowball. But we must see her voice in the overall writing too. So far your doing a great job. I would like to see a bit more Lucky -isms.

So you know I think you got a GREAT structure going on here. I’m proud to say that I would have put your book in my list of best first chapters of authonomy, and I only picked about 20 out of the 250 first chapters I read on this site. That’s a great feet. I had some masterful first chapters in my list. Books that were soooooooo good. However, most of them got worse as you read on with their book. That’s why Harper Collins hasn’t published a book from this site ever. Sure you can find a book on here that has a good first couple of chapters but having a COMPLETE manuscript that is just off the hook is hard to find. And I agree. Okay back to Lucy’s diary . . .

“Everything calmed down when I put down this diary . . .” sentences likes these don’t seem to work because it’s supposed to be a diary. At least at first read through it didn’t. It made sense after the second time I read it. :/ I don’t know why but it just seemed like an action instead of Lucy explaining a past action. maybe you can have her stop writing about what she was writing about and then come back and continue writing something totally different because of what happened. Or she comes back to the diary and explain what just happened. That would be cool. You have so many cool options because you are telling the story through a diary. I have never read the diary of Anne frank or any other books that are diaries so I can’t compare. maybe you have. oh and i’m just giving you ideas. how you have it is good. you know more than i do and so you have the final say. I just rather tell you what i’m thinking while i’m reading it because that’s the best advice you can get. an author doesn’t ever to hear what the reader is thinking while they are reading it. I think it’s a cool thing. of course I won’t say everything I’m thinking because I would then have to write a comment equal in length to your story.

when you are telling the reader about Lucy’s sisters, think about if this is how you want to go about writing these diary entries. because it just seems that in real life someone wouldn’t explain in the way that Lucy does. It’s more like the author is trying to tell the reader info on the characters of the story. Things like: “I am Lucy the level . . .” I don’t think Lucy would explain that in her own diary. I know I wouldn’t. I think you just have to come up with another way of telling the reader her name. In a way you don’t really have to.

So after the first two chapters, I have to say I love your stroy and writing. I hope other readers will feel the same. Not sure if they will, but if they don’t, then don’t worry. This book has potential. I do not use “potential” that often so you know. remember I have read almost 300 books on this site and maybe used that word 10 to 15 times. I’m just happy that my prank comment isn’t too far off. :)

Wondering if you could take a look at my book? I don’t need an intense review. Just want you to read through it and after you had read it say what comes to mind. I’ll continue with you story doing the same exact kind of thing that I did for your first two chapters.

OMG! WOW! AMAZING! SUPERB! Your talent as a writer made me cry. This is the best book on this site. I read the whole thing in about 30 minutes. There is nothing I could say to do this justice. I am going to watchlist you for now.

Aw, thank you so much! I am so glad you liked it. I hope I can do the rest of this story justice!!! :)
And if you like it, please recommend it, I would love to get as much feedback as possible!!
You made my day :)
Katie