Book Jacket

 

rank 242
word count 25061
date submitted 07.01.2012
date updated 22.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

☾ A Night in Shining Armor ☽

Nicholette Wolfe

'As Kingdoms of Darkness lit
The crown atop the queen’s brow
Let it be known and forever writ
That peace was started here, now'

 


Grave danger has fallen upon the world simply called Saralinka, home to all magical creatures; dragons, pixies, ogres, werewolves.
Luna, queen of half the land has gone missing. Her three power-hungry daughters now share the crown. But will their drive for control destroy the land?
The other leader, the Great Jeweled Dragon is said to be long dead, leaving behind only his sword, the most powerful weapon in the worlds. No one knows now where it is...
~~~
A young teen wakes up to find herself surrounded by monsters. And in her hands, a sword, its blade bursting into flame. She is meant to save them all. But how can she when her memories are gone?
Through her journey Raven will discover the truth about her broken past, the secret lives of the mythical creatures we all know and love, and a family she has only ever dreamed about. The three queens await her arrival. Will she be able to stop their mad reign?

For future reference, a map of Saralinka: http://i.imgur.com/iu1Pr.jpg

~
Draft 1. Please pick it apart. I'm working on just writing it now. Will major edit later.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

danger, dragons, fairy tales, fantasy, hero, magic, monsters

on 49 watchlists

86 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

2

report abuse

Chapter 2 
 
 


 
     It was an hour before I left the shambles of the trashed amusement park. The police officer had waved his gun up, wide eyed, motioning for me to stand. He told me to drop my weapon, but I think that was just out of nervousness because my sword, now back to its non-flaming form, was laying three feet to my left, splattered with mud, small ice fragments, and sparkly orange blood. He cuffed me in front of the watching field trippers. My only fan looked as though the officer had just arrested Mickey Mouse or something. It was a travesty. 
 

 
     I couldn't understand as I was sitting in the back of the police car, why I was being arrested. From what I could tell, I had just saved at least twenty bystanders from becoming monster chow. I was getting in trouble for doing a good deed? What's up with that?
 

 
     Out of the backseat window of the cop car, I saw the officer skirt around metal poles, trying to collect any evidence he could. Every sign that may have confirmed the monsters' presence was gone, the ice shards melted and the orange blood seeped into the dirt. Nothing was left to show that they were ever here. Essence of me, however, could be found on just about everything. From burn marks on the ice cream stand, now smushed from a tail whip and lying in a heap, to the remnants of blue fur from the pompoms that had been dangling from my socks which blew away in the wind, I was everywhere. Funny, I don't remember even having blue pompoms on my socks. I glanced down at my feet. A rainbow of colored felt met my gaze. Did I really have that weird of fashion whoever I was? Honestly. 
 

 
     I thought for a moment, soaking in the heat from the car's vents above my head. Outside had been so cold, yet in here I was warm. It felt nice. I thought about what I had been doing before the monsters had attacked me. Or maybe I went looking for the monsters? Wait, so who attacked who? Everything was fuzzy up to when I opened my eyes to the mass of creatures and grabbed the sword off my belt. When I tried to think back before then, it felt like I was literally running into a brick wall. My head throbbed so bad, I almost collapsed. Barf danced around in my throat. I shook my head and thought of something else, puppies. The pain instantly went away. As if I had never felt it. In fact, I felt stronger when I didn't try to dig. I felt more with it, if that makes sense. 
 

 
     I had my eyes closed, letting the image of baby setters run through my mind, when there was a tap of the window. My head snapped around as my lids went up, yellow eyes taking in every detail of the officer's face as he glared at me from outside the car. My sword was in his hands.  He shrugged his shoulders after a minute, before opening the driver's door and sliding onto the brown leather seat. The sword he wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag that was floating around on the floor and placed the bundle on the passenger's seat next to him. The key itself was an inch from the ignition when he turned around and studied me from the other side of the grate separating the back passengers from his front seat paradise. After a minute of silence, he spoke. 
 

 
     "What's your name, child?" he asked, his voice wise with an olden southern twang to it. I shrugged. 
 

 
     "I don't know," was my reply. Hey, I was telling the truth. The officer seemed unamused. My voice crackled like it was going to die completely, but I pushed it out stronger. I was determined to look as confident as possible.
 

 
     "What were you doing back there?" His next question was asked with more curiosity behind it, for legal investigation or own personal interest, I couldn't tell. 
 

 
     "I was killing monsters." Another true statement. Not that he would ever believe me. The officer grew silent again before continuing. 
 

 
     "Where do you live?" he asked. His face was a blank mask, no emotion anywhere on it. 
 

 
     "Nowhere, I guess. I don't remember." I took a moment to study this guy closer. He had a round, fatherly face with a puffy brown caterpillar on his upper lip. It twitched as he breathed out hard. His skin was a fair tanned and his eyes sparkled greenish-blue. His comb must have been lost as the back of his head appeared to have been licked by a horse. Across his eyes sat another furry caterpillar of a unibrow. He was wearing the usual blue uniform with a comic book hero's utility belt around his waist, mace, gun, walkie talkie, cuffs, even a notepad and pen which stuck out of one of his many pockets. Armed for writing tickets, no doubt. I sat staring straight at him, waiting for another question. There came none. Instead, the officer turned and started the engine. It roared to life at his touch. The engine roared like one of the monsters I had just fought. At the sound, I unconsciously jumped in my seat.
 

 
     "Well, Mrs. Amnesia, until those memories of yours start to reappear, and I advise you to make them soon, I'm gonna have to take you to Juvenile Hall 'till we can sort them things out," he said, pulling the car out of the dirty lot. A cleanup crew had already arrived and I watched as all the bystanders were evaluated by medics. They were the lucky ones, they got to go home. I don't even remember if I have a home to go back to. 
 

 
     The car zig-zagged through an empty parking lot, finally exiting the broken place and zooming out on to the highway. The land around us was barren with a few bushes dotting the pee yellow grasslands. I turned and saw a range of mountains far out to my left. Something told me that was west. The mountains continued, getting smaller and smaller in the distance. I would estimate we were about a good one to two hours drive from their base. I noticed a peak standing taller than the rest as if to watch over them. It watched over the land we drove through unendingly. Though it was summer, (or at least I think it's summer, the grass around here was awfully dry) there were still caps of snow on each mountain's tip. I looked to my other side. A few minor farm houses passed by, basically all the same though with puny differences. One had a shed behind it, another, a barn. One even had a grove of evergreen trees behind it, isolated in its own private forest. Other than that, the flat ground was empty and remained the same hazy brownish-yellowish, dead green color for miles around. 
 

 
     "Where are we?" I asked, never turning to look directly forward. 
 

 
     "Seriously Señorita? We were in a small park near Elizabeth, Colorado. There's the town there." He pointed out the windshield to a few buildings out a little right of where the car was heading. "But we're not going there. I'm taking you directly to the court official in Denver. It's that way." He moved his point off to the left to a cluster of lights, gleaming like fallen stars on the horizon. Denver must have been huge. You'd think I'd remember if I had ever been there. But the name didn't sound familiar. 
 

 
     We drove for what seemed like hours, but I saw on the dashboard clock it had only been twenty minutes. Not a word was spoken after that, only the fuzzy crackle over the police radio was heard. I tried to position myself comfortably, but that was pretty hard with my hands cuffed behind my back. On and on we drove until the car pulled to a slow stop at a traffic light. From the looks of it, we were maybe five miles from Denver. Already small stores and hotels were popping up out of the ground like daisies in cow manure, getting thicker and thicker, eventually leading into the city itself. The police car turned and we began heading down a poorly paved road. I figured I didn't have much for lunch that day as nothing bounced its way back up my throat. I glanced behind us. There were no other cars following us. I peeked around the driver's seat and looked at the stretch in front of us. No cars. We had the road completely to ourselves. I glanced down at my feet for a moment, wiggling my individually wrapped toes in my blue socks. Just about jumped out of my skin when the cop car skidded to a jolty stop. 
 

 
     "Damn!" the officer cried out as he slammed his foot down on the brake pedal. The front wheels froze and I found myself flying forward into the headrest. The leather tasted old and sun dried. Not good at all. I arched my back in an attempt to push myself back up without my hands. It semi-worked, but I had to lean up against the window for support. 
 

 
     "What the hell?" the officer mumbled as he unlocked his door and slid out. I inched my head around his seat to see two teen boys standing smack dab in the middle of the road. 
 

 
     They were tall built, taller than the cop by at least a foot, with curly red hair mirrored on both of them. They appeared to be twins. Each curve of their face was identical, each chiseled angle, each cylindrical line circling their eyes. The only difference was their eyes themselves, the boy in the left had grey eyes, while the one on the right had solid orange. Each was dressed in jeans and some sort of a Marlyn Manson tee-shirt with a pair of black sunglasses balanced perfectly on their rat's nest hair. They just stood there, in the middle of the road, unmoving. The officer walked up to them, but I was too far away to hear what was said. While my head was turned to the side, I heard a tapping on the glass opposite to me. My head swung around and I saw by far the most gorgeous face I had ever seen in my life. 
 

 
     Staring at me through the window was another teen boy, but he didn't look like the other two. He had more curvy lines on his face instead of angled and his hair, long brown, was curling around his pointed ears. I hardly noticed the ears though. I was too busy staring, (yes, I'm ashamed, I was staring) at his amazing face. His skin was a flawless tanned brown with a perfectly straight nose which separated two of the prettiest eyes ever. They were almond shaped and sea green, but as I watched, they shifted from the color of sea foam to the color of rose leaves, then to limes, then to something close to a green highlighter. He smiled at me when he noticed me watching. His smile was pure perfection too. I suddenly wished I had a comb. 
 

 
     He raised his hand in a quick wave before reaching into a back pocket and pulling out what looked like a switchblade. Sure enough, he flicked the black handle and out popped a knife blade. But this blade wasn't a silver, stainless steel kinda thing. This blade was pure gold. It reflected the light of the sun so it blinded me for a moment. I turned away, but not before I heard a crack in the metal behind me. I turned as the car door swung open and the angel looking boy stood in front of me, arm outstretched. He reached forward as far as he could and took his blade to my cuffs. They broke instantly. I still had a pair of clunky silver bracelets on, but at least now I could move my hands. 
 

 
     "Raven! Come on! What are you doing here? Where have you been?" His voice was hasty and I could tell he was out of breath. He pushed air out of his lungs like he was a dog panting. I scooted an inch closer to my door. 
 

 
     "Raven!" the boy said again, jolting his hand up and down in an attempt to get me to take it. I raised a finger and pointed to myself. He nodded, green eyes the size of quarters. I quickly glanced out the windshield one more time to see the officer still talking to the two boys in the street. Apparently they were stoned or something 'cause they kept jumping up and down so hyperly, much to the disdain of the cop who had one hand resting safely over his pepper spray. The orange eyed boy was saying something, his hands moving in a blur in front of him as he spoke. The cop was busy. For the moment. 
 

 
     I turned back to the boy beside me. He stared back at me earnestly, with something between fright and compassion shining in his eyes. I sighed, then reached out my hand and intertwined my fingers in his. He jolted me out of the cab so hard, the force of it popped my shoulder. I rubbed it in pain as he turned and ran away to a silver corvette parked a few feet up the road. Its engine was still running as it waited for its passengers. The boy took a few steps before realizing he wasn't being followed and turned to me. 
 

 
     "Raven, come on! Let's go home before the human comes back and finds you missing!" He waved his hand for me to come. My feet stayed rooted to the ground. 
 

 
     "I don't know you," I replied. As I said this, the boy's face turned from adrenaline to shock. I guess I offended him. He stood mouth agape for a few seconds before shaking himself. 
 

 
     "Yeah, okay Raven. That's funny. Right, this is payback for the mustard thing, isn't it? Yeah, well, let's continue this little joke at home, shall we?" His voice was still on edge, but he had a false smile plastered to his face. His teeth gleamed and I realized his canines were pointed and sharp. I shook my head even harder. 
 

 
     "I'm sorry. I think you're confused. I don't think I know you." The boy's face then turned to horror. His eyes looked as though my words had hit him like the blade of my flaming knife.
 

 
     "You don't remember me? But Raven, it's me, Arrow. How could you....I mean....What?" His voice faltered as he took a several step towards me. His gaze was fixated on my face so I tried my hardest to keep the color out of my cheeks when he stood so close; his nose was three inches away from mine. His brow was knitted hard and he appeared to be studying me, probably making sure I really was this Raven girl. There was something in his eyes as I looked right into them that struck a chord or something in my brain and for a second, I actually think I remembered him. But it passed just as quick. He backed away, eyes still locked on mine. 
 

 
     "Memory spell, I'd know it anywhere. Come Raven, we need to get you home. I'm sure Dawn can fix up something to cure this." He gripped my hand harder than he should have and pulled me along. Fine, I'll go with him. Maybe I'll find out where those monsters came from. I shuffled forward a few steps before another thought hit me. 
 

 
     "Wait!" I said, ripping my hand free. I turned back and reached in to unlock the front passenger's door of the car. My hands found what they were looking for and I walked away with my sword in my grasp. Some feeling of importance floated around it and I was for sure not going to leave it behind. I didn't think it was even possible, but when I pulled it out, the boy's face looked even more shocked. 
 

 
     "Where did you get that?" he demanded. I opened my mouth to speak, but a yell cut me off. The police officer had spotted us and was sprinting this way, the two curly haired boys on his heels. 
 

 
     "Dude, run!" one of the twins yelled. The boy, Arrow, grabbed my wrist again and pulled me to the car. It was a convertible so he just jumped into the driver's seat. I cautiously opened the back seat, still contemplating actually getting in. I thought too long. A grip wrapped around my shoulder and I was thrust back. A cloud of dust flew into the air as both the police officer and I landed in the dirt. He groaned as my elbow accidentally (accidentally!) hit his groin as I pushed my way back onto my feet. I turned and got a face full of twin as one of the boys jumped right over the fallen officer and stopped, his face barely an inch away from mine. 
 

 
     "Sorry Raven!" he muttered, climbing around me and getting in the back seat of the corvette. His brother did the same, jumping basically over me and landing on the leather textile. I was about to squish myself in when the grip tugged me back down. The poor officer had mustered enough strength to squat on his knees and pull me into him. And when I mean mustered, I mean that man looked like he had just walked through hell. A gash about a foot long spread acrost his face, separating his mustache from his unibrow. One eye was black and puffy with one or two teeth missing as he grimaced at me. His hair was also a bit crisp, as if it had been burnt. When'd that happen?! He snarled at me, or at least I think it was an attempt at a snarl, it looked pretty painful. 
 

 
     My left hand was locked onto the front door handle, refusing to let go as the officer kept pulling. The car pulled forward a few feet, freeing me from my bonds. I took the moment to push myself into shotgun. 
 

 
     "Flint! Use the powder!" Arrow yelled to the backseat. The twin with the orange eyes fiddled around in a pack that hung across my headrest, out of which he produced a brown, drawstring pouch. 
 

 
     "Right, right!" he mumbled, dipping his hand into the pouch and pulling out a handful of coppery powder. We were driving about three miles an hour with the police officer hanging from the rear bumper, not fast enough to kill him, but we did go over a few bumps. Flint raised his fist and let the powder fly over the man's face. At once, his expression changed. From a hunting focus, it shifted to nothing, just a blank stare. He let go of the cool metal and slid down the ground, watching us as Arrow floored the gas and we zoomed off. My hand stayed at my side, where my fingers were curling around the sword's hilt. I only dared to speak when we had turned down another side street and the police car was out of sight. 
 

 
     "Will he die?" I asked, my voice no more than a whisper as I stared into the rear view mirror.  
 

 
     "No, he'll just think he was in a car crash," Arrow replied, never taking his eyes off the road in front of us. "Though I don't know where that burnt hair would have come from," he basically growled to the back seat. 
 

 
     "Sorry, I may have got a bit carried away," the grey eyed twin said, his gazed fixed on the floor mats.  
 

 
     "Yeah, way away!" his brother scolded. Grey eyes sunk lower in his chair. 
 

 
     "Not now, either of you! It's been too long of a day already. Let's just get home and figure out what in Luna's name has been happening." Arrow sounded like a natural born leader. I may have snuck a few peeks at him as he was driving, but I'll never admit that. But considering the really hot guy beside me and the really stupid sounding duplicates behind me, I wasn't worried about the fact that I had just hopped in a car with three complete strangers that obviously had no respect for law enforcement figures. I was worried about the poor policeman we had left in shambles behind us. 
 

 
     "Why will the cop think he crashed?" I asked, my gaze flitting to Arrow's perfect face. He answered without turning. 
 

 
     "That was Melicon Powder. It erases the memory of humans and fills their brain with memories of more logical explanations, like instead of seeing two dragons attack him and run off with his convict in a silver convertible, he'll see our car drive away and know we pulled him out of his car as he fell asleep at the wheel, bashing up his face pretty bad. We left him a good few feet from his car so he would wake up unharmed." Well that solution seems much more logical right?! Seriously?
 

 
     "You don't know what it is? But girlie, you fixed up this batch yourself! I boiled the water for you!" Flint cried at me in disbelief. Wait, did our driver say dragons?
 

 
     "Crank it down, dude. She's been struck by a memory spell. She doesn't remember anything," Arrow shot back. Both twins gasped. 
 

 
    "Wait, so dragons?" I asked, my voice crackling with uncertainty. I guess it couldn't have been weirder than the monsters I was fighting back at the park. Part of my head was unsurprised, but the other half was screaming, 'WTF?!'.  Arrow sighed. 
 

 
     "Settle in, it's a long story and this is a long drive. We'll have you remembering things again by the time we get home!" Though his voice did not sound hopeful. 
 

 

 
 

 

Chapters

2

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Seringapatam wrote 69 days ago

Nicholette. I have to ask,,, where did this come from. Very different and may catch on. To use the theme park just may work. I like your voice in this book and you have certainly planned this out well before you started writing it. I see some good points from the readers below and I cant add to that except I enjoyed this as I would never read anything like this normally I was hooked to it and didnt want to put it down. Well done and a good score from me. Keep going with it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean.

Andrea Taylor wrote 157 days ago

What a fabulous start! Not my normal genre but I was hooked because it was so clever and real. Good luck with this!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Rebeccarocko wrote 272 days ago

i just happened to log on today and your book caught my eye and just readying the first chapter i became hooked =) i hope that you continue to write chapters for it so that i can have more to read. the way you describe the monsters and their screams it was like i could see it in front of me =) i give u a happy face

a_novice_scribbler wrote 285 days ago

I know I am the wrong generation for this kind of writing, but I see a clean script, age appropriate language, and a theme that works with young people.Keep plugging it. Paula

Nitro280 wrote 301 days ago

Hey there,

I'm all about warrior girls vs. the monsters. Nice setting for the fight, never read or seen one take place in an amusement park before. I might detail the fight just a little bit more, make Raven really have to fight to survive rather than just to look cool to the audience, seems like the monsters are kinda pushovers (Or maybe Raven is supernatural somehow, either way this needs perhaps a hint of clarification). The location of Denver intriques me, definately some stranger energies out west, one of my favourite places. Will look forward to reading more later. Backed

Possible nit: Ms. or Miss Amnesia not Mrs. (Raven's a teen right?)

Tarzan For Real wrote 304 days ago

Nicholette we have been a busy bee!

Good job cleaning this up and bring a greater emphasis on the first person narrative. Your descriptions are detailed and fleshed well to say the least. I feel these characters and I'm compelled now to get to know them more or at least relish when they get eaten or killed. You had a lot of action early and it grabs a younger audience by the throat quick. but your writing is strong and could have greater appeal to an older audience with a little build up in tension, a little more foreshadowing, and a few twists early on.

You keep that wit and humor it's your greatest strength. It aloows you to really lightens things up before you pounce on the characters and readers again and rip their throats out.

Typo's we all struggle with on here as well as phrasing. So you are not alone on those and they don't take away from this growing novel one bit.

I'll try and get this up on my shelf soon enough. Keep at it you got the gift. Or is it a curse?--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

John Lovell wrote 305 days ago

Hello

So I read the first chapter anyways.

Very glad that you got straight into the action there. Like the setting too (I officially end my job in a theme park after 9 years a week tomorrow) so for me it was easy to imagine it.

You have a clever way of writing, funny opening paragraphs. When you said about the stuff animals being ripped into pieces this reminded me of one of my hates. Cleaning up one of these is a nightmare!

I use the same idea of the sword magic (but they don't use spell names) so it was awesome for me to read this.

Just one sentence that you might want to look at (I'm far from being an expert myself)
Before I had any idea what I was doing - Probably include "of" before "any"

Overall from the first chapter, I really liked it so I'll be back for more.

John

GOTHIC-PAGE-TURNER wrote 307 days ago

Nic,

I love this - just needs a bit of editing - but that's all part of writing process isn't it. Wish you the best of luck with this, it will appeal to alot of young women. Best wishes, AJB

ps example - last line of your firrst chapter - 'gun cocked and ready to SHOOT (not shot), and A (not the) nine year old boy staring at me as though I was Superman.'

pickarooney wrote 340 days ago

Hi Nicholette,
I read your first chapter as part of the 'chapter swap' thread and, although it's not at all the kind of book I normally read, I could imagine my younger self eagerly turning the pages on this one. A well-written female warrior character is a definite bonus.

Richard
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44838/where-chana-sings/

Tod Schneider wrote 356 days ago

This is lots of fun! Very engaging story and interesting heroine. I think this should be well received by a younger audience. You tell action well. A typo at the end of chapter 1 -- it says "shot" but you meant "shoot".
Best of luck with this!
And if kids lit appeals to you, I'd greatly appreciate you taking a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Karatekid1018 wrote 356 days ago

Hello! So, I've read the first chapter, because unfortunately, I have my cousin's dance recital to go to in an hour, and don't have any more time to read anythign else, though. There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing that made it difficult to read. Your plot is definitely interesting and will hook young readers from the very beginning. Good job! :)
I hope you can find the chance to read "Invicta". Being so young, most people don't really take me seriously, but I hope you can find the time to give me a chance. Thanks!
-Kathleen

R.J. Blain wrote 388 days ago

Greetings!! I have read to the end of Chapter 4.

You have a really good start on this story. There are a lot of elements to like, a faced-beat plot, an interesting cast of characters, and a rather large world to be explored. There were a few grammar and spelling errors, but nothing that made me pause for a few moments as I puzzled out what I thought you meant. (I think reading out loud and recording it and playing it back would help you pick up on these errors.)

The first chapter is really busy; I would consider splitting it up into two chapters... scene one.. everything but the big dragon... scene two, the battle with the big dragon and the arrest. I think it would help give a bit of breathing space from just how busy it is.

The only thing I can suggest beyond that is to not feel like you have to rush out and explain everything right away. Show us the world bit by bit rather than the car-ride information dump. That was the only real 'issue' I saw in terms of plot presentation.

For the most part, your descriptions are pretty good, although there were a few times where the action felt a little bogged down by so many descriptions and such long paragraphs. You have a really vivid imagination and it shows in your writing.

Good luck with this story, and I hope my comments are of some use to you!

LM Fowler wrote 389 days ago

I can't believe you are only in high school. Although a YA genre, which is not my usual choice, it is filled with such immense imagery, and obviously great attention has been paid to your character development and dialogue. It flows as if written by someone well beyond your years. A fun and most entertaining read.

Great work, high stars from me,
Linda
Threads of Time

Ka'zaphir wrote 391 days ago

Like the narrative and how unique you are in describing each "creature" with its own distinction. I think it really shows attention to detail. I have only read the first chapter, but i liked how you wrote this in the first person and how you can break down a single second of time into deep, intimate detail.
I also like how you change the crowds reaction, from awe consumed, into a cop having a gun cocked.

Jon (The Hidden Truth)

melissa_simonson wrote 394 days ago

Hi Nicholette,

Returning your read. I've only gotten through the first chapter (I can get to a couple more later on, if you like) and I took notes as I read. To be honest, your writing reminds me a lot of mine when I was your age. I'm not sure if you'll take that as a compliment, though.

In the first few paragraphs, I feel it lacks direction -- your MC's voice is fresh, young, and believable, but it could do with some 'tightening' if you know what I mean. God, it's hard for me to explain what I mean without trying to re-write it. It has a sort of 'rambling' feel. Ehhh, whatever, I'm horrible at explaining myself sometimes. Also, the word 'untimely' feels strange. When I think of untimely, I think of stuff like 'an untimely death'. It just read strangely to me for some reason -- if nobody else who's reviewed this has a problem with it, I'd just ignore it.

The sentence "....end you up in your grave" reads awkwardly to me. I get you're trying to express that she's got quite a temper, but I think there is a better way you could get that point across. That last sentence in the second paragraph, I think you could eliminate the 'but'. Makes it more jarring.

I found myself wondering if she was wearing shoes. You mentioned her socks...just wondered if she was doing all this barefoot.

The monsters moldy 'stank' breath sounds odd -- I think 'stink' would sound smoother.

The sentence "...colored a puke green...' I think you could do with eliminating 'colored'. If you say it's puke green, then we know that's the color of it.

Waving an arm doesn't seem like the right fit -- she subsequently lopped off a monster dog's head, right? I think it would be more of a quick slashing arm movement.

People were running around her in all directions -- that's good, but the left and right part tacked on the end was unnecessary. If you want to make it seem like they're running around her, I'd think it would be better like (and I'm pulling this out of my ass right now, so it's probably no good) streaming on either side of me, like I was Moses parting the red Sea. (Though that is TERRIBLE don't use that sentence, just trying to make a point)

I was a little confused at the 'darks of the eyes' portion. Did you mean pupils, perhaps?

Chameleon faced also threw me -- you mean the face looked faintly lizard-like? Because when I think of chameleon I think of something that blends in...wasn't sure what to imagine, there.

When you say your MC was tossing her head around, it sounds like she's juggling her head. Which I am pretty sure she is not. I think you could find a word that would resonate more than 'tossing'. Maybe 'whipping'.

I wondered briefly is "Flakreka" was a name, or a made up curse word.

LOVED the part where you said the floor was a mosaic.

Last line confused me, some. Is someone else going to be narrating the second chapter, since you said "I guess they can".

Annnyway, those are my worthless thoughts on strictly the first chapter -- I can read the second later, if you want me to, but I know I can be pretty annoying, pointing out flaws and what not. Just let me know.

Melissa

FringeBenefits wrote 395 days ago

I'm going to put more time into reading and critiquing this later, but right off the bat I have to say I *love* your opening and narration. Your protagonist has a very distinct, snappy voice that immediately pulls me in. I can't wait to read more.

Grace_Gallagher wrote 395 days ago

Damn, website ate my comment.... I'll try again!

This is fun, the narrative voice is lively and believable. I also like the vivid descriptions, e.g. the theme park. It has bags of character and is exciting. I think it could do really well with a young adult fantasy crowd.

You know there are typos and you are working on 'em, so I'll leave it at that... but best of luck, it's an enjoyable read.

GG x

upforgrabs wrote 396 days ago

I read through your first chapter, it was a fun read and I was pleased glad to see another fantasy title on this site that "doesn't take itself too seriously." Very irreverent. I was strongly reminded of the video game "Brutal Legend," which features Jack Black as an electric-guitar-wielding retired groupie fighting off hordes of demons in Hell with the power of ROCK! I can see this being popular with the teenage market.

My only real criticism: it's an action-packed scene, so your paragraphs need to be shorter. There's some word repetition: "monsters" appears too many times. Try looking up synonymns. There are some obvious grammatical and spelling errors, which I've poitned out below. These shouldn't be too hard to fix. If you want your work to stand out, it should be as polished as possible. The hook at the beginning is excellent, though.

A few suggestions:

"hoard of monsters" - should be "horde", not "hoard".

"moldy stank" - "mouldy stink"

"focused in" - "focused on"

"A sauna's worth of sweat", "Vomet Comet" - love it!

"stone hard skin" - needs a hyphen, "stone-hard"

"chameleon faced monster" - "chameleon-faced" (again, a hyphen needed.) Also, the word "monster" is cropping up an awful lot. Check a thesaurus. Alternatives are; fiend, ogre, beastie, leviathan...

"monsters to machinery" - again, the word "monsters." How many times now?

***

Rated 5 stars. Hope you enjoy "Tamria"!

James

Tabu wrote 396 days ago

Hi, Nicolette!
I only read the first chapter, but de sure I read the rest. Excellent book. Well done.. How can you be so vividly describe monsters? Super imagination!

Tabu

KittenWhiskers wrote 396 days ago

♡ you and your work Wolfie! You know I"m always behind you, right? :)

Brian Bandell wrote 397 days ago

This story is such fun. You waste no time getting into the action. You write with an amusing voice that carries the story well. I like your idea of opening with a strange situation and then explaning it as you go along.

Great job. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Marc Jones wrote 398 days ago

I’m far from an expert on this genre, but I love anything written in the first-person perspective. The way you write has a kind of interactive feel to it – especially the opening paragraphs.

My favourite line without a doubt: ‘A scream like nails in a blender.’ I thought that was excellent.

This is not the type of thing I would usually read, but when something is written to a high standard, you just have to appreciate it. I can see this being very appealing to young adults – it’s funny at times (loved chubby little mug), has enough action and has its fair share of vivid monsters. You write action scenes particularly well. You are very descriptive but don’t over-do it. That’s something very difficult to get right.

The chapter’s twist-like ending was impressive. I didn’t see it coming. And the fact that the heroine has a lot of explaining to do is a perfect way to get the reader to turn to the next page to find out how she handles it.

I will give this five stars. It was quite enjoyable, and I think it will do very well with your target audience.

Adeel wrote 401 days ago

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Kerrin wrote 402 days ago

I sort of comment as I read, so some things I write may seem unorthodox or just plain out of place. Here goes!....Beginning is very original and quirky. I love it. Such imagination and vivid scenery! You write out your action very well. It is all easy to imagine. Nice comparison to a basketball...I literally put my hands up and tried to visualize the size of this monsters iris! Okay, done reading now, and I am floored. It was so much fun. You tell your story so well and with such spunk! I couldn't find any mistakes, probably because I read through it so fast to find out what would happen next. I'm certainly backing this. You have an amazing talent for writing. I could use your super creative talent, if you would be so obliged, to take a peak at my own fantasy story "Wings???" I cant wait to read the rest!!!
Kerrin Krainis (Alaska)

Robert Hinch wrote 402 days ago

Hi Nicolette,
I've read through the first five chapters. I thought the first introductory scene was a bit forced - perhaps you were trying too hard to make that initial impact. However the rest of the writing settled down in my view. Also you could perhaps break up some of the descriptive passages and intersperse the descriptive stuff with some dialog and reflective narrative. I really like how you keep the story going from twist to turn which keeps the reader interested and stimulated. And I like the storyline that is folding out. This feels like one of those reads that will draw you in right throughout the book - I like it and I'm going to put it on my bookshelf.
Rgds
Rob

Tarzan For Real wrote 404 days ago

I read through twice the first four chapters. I like your creativity and your use of first person to allow the reader to get inside and feel what the character feels. Dialogue is good and your palette of imagery quite diverse. Yes some editing is in order with a few typos's and some wording but as a whole the story is a great one. Maybe change stank to "stench" and bring some more naturalistic smells and textures to trigger greater reader memory. Watch your use of point of view when switching around character dynamics. This is highly rated though and as I explore the world you created I'll offer more review. Great job.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

TMHickman wrote 406 days ago

Hi Nicolette!

Absolutely fantastic! Your first paragraph grabbed my attention and pulled me into the story relentlessly. I couldn't escape! As far as young adult fiction goes, this is superb! I'm 28, but I read young adult fiction, along with high fantasy and adult supernatural. The only suggestion that I can think to make is that at the very beginning, you never let your readers know when "now" is. True, first person speaks in the past tense ninty nine times out of one hundred, but the reader usually knows that the speaker is telling events as they happen. I'd probably put a "Now..." somewhere in the second or third paragraph. I had a nice spot picked out, but I'm stuck on chapter 2 right now and can't turn back. xD

Great Job! Many Stars and Shelved. ^_^
-Tamara

Dean Lombardo wrote 406 days ago

Hi Nicholette,
Stopping by as promised. I read Chapter 1 and you provide great imagery through a very entertaining voice/character voice. You write the action scenes well. I did not stop to nitpick on small issues such as "ready to shot" vs. "ready to shoot," because other readers have already pointed these out.

Highly starred.
Dean
P.S. -- you were the first, or one of the first, to welcome me when I joined authonomy. It's about time I got my butt here to give you a review. Good luck.

tennishorts wrote 407 days ago

Hey Nicolette,
You're really good with imagery. I only read the first chapter, but I can definitely see you translating these monsters from your mind directly onto paper. That's a great talent to have. Very descriptive, very believable. If you get time, please check out Caveat Viator (my booky wook) :)

Dianna Lanser wrote 408 days ago

Hi Nicolette,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to your book. But I’m glad I did. So you are a high school student, is that right? You don’t write like any high school student I know. Your story is creative, visual, interactive and quite superior to a lot of the young adult literature that is being published today

Incidentally, my niece just finished reading the Outsiders, which was written, and I think published, when the author was in high school. You are never too young - especially with someone as talented as you.

I have read a lot of fantasy type sword fights on this site and when I started to read your book I thought, Oh no, not another one! But I thought you pulled it off very well. Perhaps it was the conversational thoughts of Raven or the wonderful use of literary devices or that the fight didn’t last too long, but I kept reading and found that the story was very redeeming and became very engaging.

Your descriptions are full of color and imagery and I really liked the tone of voice throughout - very consistent and teenage-like. It speaks well to your audience. I wish you the very best with this. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
http://www.authonomy.com/books/37204/nothing-but-the-blood/

One little mistake in chapter one:

“…gun cocked and ready to shot, (shoot)…”

Bethanie wrote 409 days ago

Unbelievable--I absolutely LOVE this. You have the action right at first that pulled me in immediately. I like the colorful cat toe socks. Modernized fantasy novel with a flare. The combination of modern teen life thrown into the middle of a giant fantasy world, which only those who are writers know about. I wanted to jump in and join the sword fight. It was like I was watching all of the action in the first chapter on a giant movie theatre screen--by the way, what a great movie this would make. You have me HOOKED!! Best of wishes to you and I have a feeling this is going to fly up the list like wildfire. OUTSTANDING!!!

~Bethanie

rikasworld wrote 410 days ago

I read the first three chapter and I thought this works really well. I wasn't sure at first but realised that that is because I am an oldie. This is written absolutely for the target audience, fantasy and modern teen life. I liked the talking to the audience and found the first scene created a very vivid picture in my mind and I think it was a good idea to have a bit of explanation in chapter 3, having kept us guessing until then. Loved some of the phrases like a 'Sauna's worth of sweat' and 'Arresting Mickey Mouse'. One typo I noticed. I think you need a moldy stink from the monster not a moldy stank.
Nice one!

Goonerpat wrote 410 days ago

hi and WOW! i wouldn't like to meet you in the arena...or maybe i would as a tag team. love the first chapter. i know how hard it is to imagine and choreographically describe a sword fight. i have tried it in my book(s). well done...will continue in time
Pat

Luke Goode wrote 410 days ago

Good unorthodox start that captures well. I'm not going to finish reading the book, because it's not my cup of tea. But I would buy it for a lot of friends. You are a talent, who with the right marketing to your target group will succeed.

Bug289 wrote 411 days ago

Nicholette,

So here is the read I promised (some weeks back on a forum thread/message!) :)

I like the humorous tone you set from the start, the pace is fast and we start in the middle of the action (without jumping back in time in the next chapter!) Nice.

Personally I don't like the 'talking to the reader' section at the beginning, but I think that is a personal choice as many good writers use that technique.

What it highlights though, is the detached viewpoint you write in. We seem to be stuck somewhere between 1st person POV and a narrator. For example (and I think others have mentioned some of these) Raven just doesn't seem shaken enough given the fact she has no idea why this is happening. Perhaps she has an innate bravery and she gets things done before she stops to think but then I would like to see that when she is in the cop car and everything has slowed down. Another example is where she sees Arrow with pointy ears but then you say she doesn't notice them because she captured by his eyes. Either we are inside her head and therefore just see his eyes, with her; or we are sitting on a perch overlooking the action.

For me it was a problem because I found I was having trouble connecting with the charater.

There were a few places where you over-describe. For example: '...as the creature swung its tail around counterclockwise in my direction'. the counterclockwise is redundant, as a reader we just need to know the tail is coming right at us. This is something to look for throughout. My first draft is riddled with over-description because I needed to write everything I saw. You need to cut some of that out in later edits (I still have a couple in my latest edit which someone has very kindly pointed out of me on AUthonomy!) Sometimes we can be too close, 'can't see the wood for the trees' as they say.

Other examples briefly: 'does it matter the Wal-mart bag was 'floating around the floor', is the passenger seat not, by definition, next to the driver seat?

If the policeman doesn't believe she has amnesia why is he so quick to tell her where they are ad where they are going? SUrely he would roll his eyes at least? Use a patient tone...something alone those lines.
And later she is very quick to dismiss Arrow and say 'I don't think I know you' but she knows she doesn't remember very much and they seem to know her so surely she would not be so abrupt with him.

You have a good premise and the beginnings of a good character, you just need to edit out your excitement now. When first writing the story I find I write it in such a way that if it was a film my characters would appear to be ham-acting. It's the excitement of the action and getting the story on the page. Then I have to go back and do a reality check - yes I am a fantasy writer - but in order for other people to want to read they need to believe the character within the confines of the world you create.

I hope that helps anyway. I thought it was majorly action packed and enjoyable anyway. I'm impressed at how well written it is for a 1st draft.

Danielle

muntsy wrote 412 days ago

Nice work...Great vision, different...And your still in high school...WOW!!

Kate LaRue wrote 413 days ago

Nicholette, I'm here for our reading swap. I've read through chapter five. This is an interesting premise. I've never come across half-elven half-mythical creatures before, so to me that is a new concept. I'm not sure if you've explained properly the doorway between the two worlds and why these half-elvens would want to live in the human world in the first place. Is it mostly the dark creatures that choose to cross between the worlds, since they are maybe somewhat persecuted in their own world? I think that could be explained a little sooner. That being said, I'm afraid Arrow's explanation of the war and the division between the dark and light creatures dragged a little for me, and I wanted that to be a little more succinct. Maybe if you let the twins give portions of the explanation, it would break up Arrow's monologue.

The beginning chapter didn't work well for me. I think the first two paragraphs should be cut. The first sentence is the most important. You need it to hook the reader instantly, and yours didn't do that. I'm not a big fan of addressing the reader as 'you'. Usually it pulls me out of the story, and you've done that before I've even been pulled into the story. I also wasn't convinced that Raven didn't know who she was or how she had gotten there. She really didn't exude confusion as she's battling the monsters. If I woke up in the middle of that kind of scene with a sword in my hand, and started shouting strange words and wielding the sword like an expert, I'd be a little more freaked out than Raven is. I'd be sweating (regardless of the cold), my heart would be racing, I'd be in a general state of panic about what was happening. Same when she gets put in the police cruiser, then rescued by Arrow and the twins.

In general there is a lot of telling rather than showing, and especially in the first chapter you switch tense a lot. Stick to past or present tense, and show rather than tell. Don't say 'snow was falling', say 'snowflakes drifted through the air, dusting the ground and the shattered remains of the amusement park.'

Make sure the action makes sense. Would Raven really turn her back on a hoard of monsters after cutting the head off the first one?

I guess that is all I have for now. I hope this is helpful.

Kate

Alecia Stone wrote 414 days ago

An intriguing start. Right away you hit the readers with suspense. I like that. I like the fact that you went straight into the action instead of lingering on backstory. Nicely done. I like the fast pace - it doesn't slack. You have created a likeable character in Raven.

I've only read the first two chapters, but it's off to a good start. It's written well though I did notice a few punctuation errors, but nothing too major.

It definitely has a lot of promise.

Alecia :)

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 416 days ago

Hi.
A fast paced, well wriiten and edited story, packed with mythical, fairytale creatures.
Definitely a winner for the young adult market. They can't get enough of this kind of book, perfect timing!
It seems pretty well polished already.
I wish you all the luck, best wshes,
Pollyanna, 'Marsupeople'.

R.J. Stanley wrote 417 days ago

Hi Nicholette,

Thanks for stopping by to say hello!

I have been reading over your book info and read the first few chapters already - I LOVE IT! You go girl, this is great!

I backed and gave you a good rating!

If you have a chance I'd love for you to take a look at my book as well :-)

Thanks!
RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love

Josh Brookes wrote 418 days ago

YARGLEFLARGLE!

HA! Choke. Cough.

That's amazing, Nicholette. My friend Karen told me this was good, but I never imagined. It's quirky, detailed, and Raven's attitude cracks me up. From what my limited 00:20 AM intelligence can register, she has a brilliant "Yeah... so?" attitdue coupled with a sword. That first scene with her fight with the monsters I've read twice just because I think it was great. The creatures you've come up with as well are great. It won't let me scroll back up for some reason but that one with the green smokey breathe, which lost its head within seconds was, i thought, pretty darn cool.

There we a few spellings mistakes here and there. A hell of a lot of commans, I feel in the first paragraphs, but I don't really know enough about it myself to comment. Besides it's a first-person point-of-view, which means narration wouldn't ever been completely perfect. It shouldn't, the human mind doesn't worj thatw ay. Makes it all the more believeable. <-- That spelled right? I don't even know.

Anyway. It's a good start, Nicholette. When it isn't taking a bowl of cereal and DVD's of Supernatural to keep me awake I will carry on reading. =) Well done.

Badbadclown wrote 419 days ago

Very Good, The first chapter is amazing it really got me hooked and has everything that I, myself really enjoy in a book. Really good first chapter.

Badbadclown
"The Ballard Of Darkness And Blood."

Quickwriter wrote 420 days ago

I've only read the first chapter so far but I can tell you, you got me hooked with starting out with the character not remembering anything. It leaves a lot of questions for a curious person like me wonder and want to find out. I look forward to reading more.

Quickwriter

AunaJune wrote 421 days ago

Interesting ideas. Good endings to the chapters, they keep the reader's attention. Dialogue tags are smooth and you don't seem to have any issues with the descriptions. Your voice has an interesting twist for this type of book, but it still is interesting, it feels straight-forward (nice, but be careful so you don't overrule the story). You seem to have a good grasp and start for this novel. The only thing I see is watch your adverbs. You don't have too many, but it is still something to look at, because I think if you took a few of the normal ones (quickly as an example) out it would really help the flow here. I will do my best to take another look shortly, but good job so far.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Kestrelraptorial wrote 421 days ago

Hi Nicholette!

I've read your book. I really like your ideas, though I enjoyed the story in the first five chapters most. I loved the first chapter - intense beginning. I like the story of the Great Jeweled Dragon and the Havenears. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the pacing and the dialogue, I'll have to revisit it a bit later. Do you have more chapters you can post?

Kestrellian

ItsaSecret wrote 422 days ago

Had a few minutes and read chapter one, very interesting and I'll be back for more! xx

Antonius Metalogos wrote 422 days ago

Okay, N. you asked us to pick it apart and so I'm going to do a little of that for you but not before I tell you that I like the spunk of your main character and the unique voice that you tell your story with. Also, the action is great and the pace is fast so it is definitely not a boring read. You surely want to do some editing on this work of yours though if you want people to take it more seriously. Some of the sentences that need it are as follows:
1. There was about twenty of them, most of which appeared to be no older than I was, a middle school school group maybe.
You need to make sure your verbs agree in number with your subjects. Also, it's best to avoid identical words in close proximity if you can; e.g: school school. Should be:
1a. There were about twenty of them and many appeared to be about my same age; perhaps they were middle school students.
2. The fangs were almost as tall as me standing up.
Question:Does your height change if you lay down? Should be:
2a. Its fangs were almost as long as I am tall.
3. It rushed at me, all eight of its legs pushing it forward with snout down, planning, I assume, to ram into me.
This sentence is awkward. It wants to read:
3a. With its eight legs propelling it forward, it rushed at me with its snout low, as if it were planning to ram me.
4. When I finally did raise my head, what I saw was a very frightened group of people staring at me, a police officer standing over me, gun cocked and ready to shot, and the nine year old boy staring at me as though I was Superman.
I have a number of problems with this sentence. First, it is too long; Second, it has a word, shot, that doesn't work in it; Third, how do we know that boy is nine years old?; And fourth, why Superman? Why not Superwoman since the protagonist is a girl?
Guess I would fix it like this:
4a. When I finally looked up, I saw that group of young people staring at me with real fright in their eyes. There was also a police towering over me with his gun cocked, finger trembling on its trigger. And the boy with chubby cheeks was looking at me as if he thought I was Superwoman.

Well, I hope this was useful to you, Nicholette. Editing one's work is as important the creation of it. Good luck!

M. E. Harrow wrote 422 days ago

Nicholette, A Night in Shining Armor starts off with a hiss and a roar, the fight scene is well described and Raven is immediately set up as sassy and tough and very good with a weapon. The story is great and the characters very immaginative.
You may want to avoid unnecessary repetition, for example at the start of chapter two you state that Raven is in a car, then you repeat this twice in each of the next two paragraphs.
Details are also good, however you tend to get bogged down in too much detail at times. Perhaps concentrate on what's happening and describe that well and succinctly without getting into too much description of things that don't push the story forward. The paragraph starting 'The car zig-zagged...' for example.
You definately have a unique style which I like a lot. It is fresh and reflects how people would talk in real life something hard to do over an entire book.
Well done, this was an enjoyable read.

Geneva Wilkins wrote 422 days ago

Very imaginative! I think your descriptions are well thought out and the action packed beginning is an excellent start. Good luck. G.W.

riantorr wrote 423 days ago

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

12