Book Jacket

 

rank 231
word count 25061
date submitted 07.01.2012
date updated 22.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

☾ A Night in Shining Armor ☽

Nicholette Wolfe

'As Kingdoms of Darkness lit
The crown atop the queen’s brow
Let it be known and forever writ
That peace was started here, now'

 


Grave danger has fallen upon the world simply called Saralinka, home to all magical creatures; dragons, pixies, ogres, werewolves.
Luna, queen of half the land has gone missing. Her three power-hungry daughters now share the crown. But will their drive for control destroy the land?
The other leader, the Great Jeweled Dragon is said to be long dead, leaving behind only his sword, the most powerful weapon in the worlds. No one knows now where it is...
~~~
A young teen wakes up to find herself surrounded by monsters. And in her hands, a sword, its blade bursting into flame. She is meant to save them all. But how can she when her memories are gone?
Through her journey Raven will discover the truth about her broken past, the secret lives of the mythical creatures we all know and love, and a family she has only ever dreamed about. The three queens await her arrival. Will she be able to stop their mad reign?

For future reference, a map of Saralinka: http://i.imgur.com/iu1Pr.jpg

~
Draft 1. Please pick it apart. I'm working on just writing it now. Will major edit later.

 
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tags

danger, dragons, fairy tales, fantasy, hero, magic, monsters

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Chapter 4


 

 
     Was I still asleep? I couldn't tell. A rainbow of images flew before my eyes, and I thought at one point that I heard Arrow's voice, but it blew away into a howl which faded into a horrible wind. I was dreaming about wind? Huh?
 

 
     Colors flashed so sporadically that it was hard to see any image, any pattern in them. My head barely grasped the fact that me, or at least my dream self, was merely floating in all the mess. Nothing was under my feet. I felt like I was in a big bowl of sherbet ice cream, melting so all the cream drowned me with its sickly sweet vibrancy. Then it all went black. My dream self turned her (my?) head to look around. There was nothing, almost as if I had been looking at a giant cinema screen and it had simply shut off. Only blackness surrounded me. My dream self looked around again, turning left to right. A silvery glow appeared in front of me and I stepped forward.  The glow came closer, getting bigger with each step until it looked like a person coming towards me. But then it stood a few feet from me and I saw it wasn't a human like I had been expecting. 
 

 
      Standing right before me was a woman dressed in a golden satin dress which just barely covered her thighs. But it wasn't a person lady. Standing there was a woman completely covered with silver fur. Claws were extending from each finger and looking down, her feet weren't feet at all, but paws. I looked up at her face. On her shoulders laid a wolf's head, though human characteristics were clear. Intelligent eyes, a long mane of hair that was braided between her two slender ears, and a smile no natural wolf could have produced. I had no idea what was happening when my knees buckled and I found myself bowing before the wolf woman. She tilted her head forward in a slight bow in return. 
 

 
      "Child, find me." Her voice had amazing power behind it which sent shivers down my spine. But the smile on her furry lips quickly faded. She looked at me with exhausted and melancholy eyes. I tried to speak, but as I opened my mouth, the entire image shook and quickly faded until everything was black. I couldn't even see my dream self. Then a different voice rang out. 
 

 
      "Raven? Raven, babe, dinner's ready." I liked this voice. All the shivers instantly went away and were replaced with feelings of contentment. 
 

 
      I opened my eyes to see Arrow leaning over me, his brown hair falling in his flawless face. He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. 
 

 
      "I made your favorite, fish sticks," he whispered, climbing over the bed to lean over me. Once again, my mind was split. 'Whoa boy, personal space.' But then again, 'Oh, you're gonna kiss me. Okay, I'm good with that.' He straddled his arms on each side of me as I laid on my back, staring up into his emerald eyes, though now they appeared less striking, a more calm limeade color. It was a perfect moment, until...
 

 
      "Arrow! Get your tail in here! The food's getting cold!" This voice I didn't recognize. It was female, high pitched and giggly. It must be Dawn. Arrow sighed, leaned down and kissed me once more on the forehead. It was warm and left my whole body tingling as if I had been shocked from scooting my socks across the carpet. He pulled away and I found myself wishing he hadn't. 
 

 
      "Come on, your sister will have our pelts if we don't hurry," he said, rolling across the sheets and pushing himself off the quicksand of the comforter. I sat up slowly, taking a closer look at the room I was lounging in. 
 

 
      Wall to wall was painted a soft blue, but everything else was purple. Purple lampshades, purple curtains, purple trash can even. The ceiling of the box-like room was black though, or I think actually a really dark navy blue. The ceiling of the room had a black line through the center. On one side, the ceiling was a light blue with white, puffy clouds randomly placed and a bright circular sun in one corner. The other side was a dark, navy blue with a golden circle of a moon painted next to the ceiling fan and those stick on, glow-in-the-dark stars had been plastered to the ceiling. It looked pretty when all the lights were off. I did notice that the room otherwise was empty. A desk sat in one corner with a laptop positioned on it. A dresser was against the far wall and a closet door with a body mirror was against the other. Then there was the bed. Nothing else. 
 

 
      I pushed myself out of the covers and laid my feet on the soft shag carpet. I still had my socks on. Oops. Arrow headed towards the door, but I walked towards the dresser. The entire top shelf was covered to the point where no wood was visible. Cluttered with knick knacks and various papers, I eyed the mess carefully. Maybe a clue to my memory loss was in here. What had I been doing before I woke up at the park?
 

 
      "This is all your stuff," Arrow said, coming to stand behind me. I grunted in response, too interested in a framed painting I had found on the shelf. It was a portrait of a werewolf with coppery eyes peeking out from a white snout. There were small differences, but I knew this was the wolf lady in my dream. 
 

 
      "This here's your bag," Arrow said, pulling a small shoulder bag from an open drawer. "We found it three days ago. The day you disappeared." He unzipped it and handed it to me. 
 

 
      "All your things are still inside, iPod, hairbrush, cell phone, dagger. And here," he said, pulling out a black lanyard with a charm on the end, "is your Havenear emblem. All Havenears wear them so everyone knows they're around to help." The metal hanging from the black string was a little dragon, curling around in a figure eight. I felt my eyes grow wide. Arrow reached over and clipped it on my neck, letting the charm hang between my tank top straps. 
 

 
      "Always wear it if you can." I nodded. He looked like he was going to say something else, but I cut him off. 
 

 
      "Hey, who's this?" I asked, holding up the werewolf portrait. Arrow's eyebrows knitted for a moment before he answered. 
 

 
      "That is Luna, the queen of the Dark Creatures. She was the one who signed the treaty to stop the Great War. But she's been missing for hundreds of years. Now her daughters rule..." He faded off for a second. "I'd think you'd at least remember something as important as her," he replied, sad eyes locked on me. I shrugged. The voice from the hall cried out again. 
 

 
      "Come on you two or I'll come in there myself and kick your butts out here!"
 

 
      "Let's go," Arrow spoke, grabbing my arm and nudging me towards the door. I reluctantly followed. Why couldn't it stay just me and him?
 

 
      We walked into a round dining room where the food was already waiting for us on the oak table. The dragon twins were pigging out in their mash potatoes when we sat down. I scooped some fish onto my plate when footsteps echoed behind me. I turned, almost dropping the dish. 
 

 
      Standing before me was a super model, complete with skinny stork legs and wire hair almost dripping with hairspray. She wore a sparkling, sequin dress with tons of ruffles which rippled back and forth when she walked. I felt jealous for a moment. She was so pretty. Plump in the front and the back, she was what every teen boy dreams of. I had looked at myself in the mirror back in my room. A twig with no meat on me anywhere and black ramen noodles hanging from my head. How pretty, right? She shot past me by far. But the strangest part of the model was out of her shoulder blades grew two enormous, translucent wings, similar to an insect's, something in between a butterfly's and a dragonfly's. They sparkled as she lightly flapped them before sitting down. 
 

 
      "Dawn?" I asked. 
 

 
      "Hello little sis."
 

 
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

 
      Dawn began talking to me, saying things I really had no clue about or cared about really. I assumed Arrow had told her about my spell, but she was talking like I should have remembered everything myself.
 

 
      "Oh and of course you know we just barely moved into this house. That's why they walls are so bare," she said, gathering her peas with her spoon. "Though you wasted no time getting your room semi-set up right?" I nodded, but comprehended nothing. I was too busy staring at Arrow. Again. 
 

 
      "You should consider yourself lucky I found Sam when I did. He took care of everything, fixing the amusement park and wiping memories. You really owe him now..." She droned on before finally stopping. My ears said a silent thank you. 
 

 
      After that, we ate practically in silence. Well, almost. Wyck and Flint were stuffing their faces so loudly, hogs halfway across the state probably thought they heard their cousins. I hadn't realized how starving I was, but after a minute, eight of the dozen fish sticks given to me were gone before Arrow had even finished three. I was raising a spoonful of peas to my lips when a sound echoed through the house that made all of us freeze in our seats. 
 

 
      "Ahhhhhhhh!" A scream rang out, cutting the silent air like it was made of butter. Arrow sprang to his feet, along with Dawn who grabbed the fork lying next to her plate. She swung it around threateningly.  The two dragons looked at each other earnestly before slowly standing as well. I didn't know what to do so I pushed out my chair and stood too.
 

 
      "That doesn't sound good," Flint muttered, trying to keep in a mouthful of green beans. 
 

 
      "Come, let's check it out," Arrow said, ignoring Flint and walking to the front door. 
 

 
      "Ah..." My voice was a bit uneasy. Even I could hear it crackle.  
 

 
      "It's part of your job, Havenear," Arrow called to me, already out the door and halfway down the porch walk. I stumbled away from the table, heading towards the door too, only to stop and turn back into my room. I popped my head in and quickly grabbed my sword from the wall. My feet were moving fast to the void leading into the green lawn. So fast, I didn't have time to stop when Arrow came running back in. His head bashed into mine as we both tumbled to the floor. 
 

 
      "It's already getting dark out," he panted, breath coming in quick jets of air. He hadn't been running that hard. I could also see the red start to creep back into his eyes. "Tonight's not that bad since it's only a half moon, but I should still be inside. Raven, get Dawn to go with you to investigate. I'll wait for you here." His 'here' didn't end with a normal 'e' sound. It rumbled on into what sounded like a growl. Dawn rushed forward and pushed him deeper into the house. 
 

 
      "Go, we'll be right back. This shouldn't take long for an experienced Havenear like yourself, eh Raven?" she chuckled, a hint of bitterness in her tone. 
 

 
      "Ah..."
 

 
      "Exactly, let's go." Dawn grabbed my wrist and together we ran out of the house and down the pavement. Arrow was right. The sun was already beginning to disappear behind the mountain tops, turning the sky a vibrant wine purple, bubblegum pink, and blueberry color. They all mixed together as if a master artist had taken his brush and stroked it across the sky. A few stars were starting to illuminate while indeed a half moon grew brighter and brighter by the second. 
 

 
      I had my head up, so as I was dragged down the dusty road, many times I almost fell flat on my face by tripping over a rock. Finally we hit the main street where to our left was a street corner. Sitting on that corner was what looked like a gas station but without the gas pumps. Just the store itself. It actually looked pretty ordinary. Nothing magical was seen about it at all. Lame. As we hit the asphalt, another scream rang out. 
 

 
      "Ahhhhhhhh!" Yep, it came from that little store. Dawn began sprinting that way. I tried to follow, but the sword I was carrying was really heavy. It weighed almost half as me. My arm was asleep from holding it up and my legs weren't used to carrying this much weight. I don't know why it was happening just at this moment. It hadn't felt like this at the amusement park. I was a bit slower, but I did make it down the hill to the sliding glass door of the store. Inside shelves were strewn everywhere, food scattered, ripped from its wrappings, cartons of milk spilt, I think I even saw a line of Twinkies leading to the furthest back corner. The sound of mumbling voices echoed in the now silent building. 
 

 
      Dawn raised her fingers to her lips, then waved at me to follow. Together we snuck over to a newspaper stand where stacks upon stacks of magazines had been piled up. Right perfect height to keep us hidden. I held the sword out behind me, peeking around my stack like a trapped animal. My mouth swung open. 
 

 
      The wall we were facing was lined with those refrigerator rooms where soda cans, milk jugs and water bottles were stocked. These things were scattered across the tile floor, liquid running everywhere. I even think I was standing in a puddle of something sticky. Squatting in the mess were three creatures, standing about as high as a German Sheppard with two stumpy legs each and a pair of clawed arms. Their skin was puke green and chaffed, with horns goring out at irregular intervals along their backs. Their teeth stuck out of the upper lip, like a saber-toothed tiger, only they went up from the bottom jaw. Two of them were busy shoving any food or drink they could find in their mouths, but the third stood as tall as he could and flared his pig nostrils. He was sniffing. 
 

 
      'Goblins,' Dawn mouthed to me. I nodded. Somehow I had recognized them. Faces I didn't remember, but it seemed like identifying magical species came almost second nature. Weird. The goblin sniffed for another moment or so before his beady eyes went back to tearing apart a bag of Cheetos.  
 

 
      "Now, I'm going to wake you and we're going to try this again. Tell me what you know!" When this voice sounded over the goblin scurrying, both Dawn and I froze. It was male, sounded experienced and worn, with a British accent mixed in there, but it was faint. I looked around, finding the source fairly quickly. The man was dressed in a tux with dirty blonde hair cut uniformly on his head. He was talking to someone on my left. My feet shuffled over, my eyes peeking through a crack between two magazine piles. 
 

 
      Tied to a folding chair was a young woman, probably twenty something, slumped over on herself. Her baby blue uniform was ripped and splattered in a brown liquid. The dressy man lifted his hand and a turquoise glow burst up around it. When he snapped his fingers, the glow burst so bright, I had to turn away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dawn turn too. The room filled with a heat similar to when you stick your hand in a heated oven. I didn't turn around, though until, over the goblin snarls, a female shriek erupted. I quickly turned back around. 
 

 
      The girl was awake now, thrashing about in attempt to free herself. Her wrists were bound behind her as she struggled to reach forward and grab the man standing three feet in front of her. He merely stood there, unmoving. The goblins scurried across the sticky floor, every once in a while looking up at the man and snickering. 
 

 
      "Come on darling, don't make me hurt you. You're too pretty to suffer that." He leaned down, his nose an inch away from hers. She appeared exhausted and didn't fight back. "Those eyes of yours. They are so much like the queens', all three of them. Only theirs are slightly lighter. Still, beautiful," he mumbled, raising a hand and stroking the side of her head. From the angle I was situated, I could see the hate clearly on her face. As though the thing touching her was a rattlesnake. But she didn't move, not a muscle. 
 

 
      "Now, are you or are you not going to tell me where the Havenear is? And don't think you're going to be smart and say they're not here. We have sources that tell us for sure there is a Havenear in this town. And you know them, don't you?" The man stood straight again, turning to waltz around the girl's chair. He stopped behind her and rested his fat fingers on the back of the seat. Like a viper's voice, he whispered, "Where?". 
 

 
      Dawn shuffled closer to the action, positioning herself behind a display of baked goods. It was perfect, except her glittery wings stuck out above the top by half an inch. I watched as the sheen of the reflecting light caught the man's attention. His face immediately cringed and his lips rose in a snarl. The moment he started in Dawn's direction, I felt my legs jerk up and my body run his way.
 

 
      The next moment happened fast. I mean like 'not natural' fast. I jumped out from hiding, running straight at the man. He wasn't even looking my direction and yet, when I was a foot away from him, he was facing me. I hadn't even seen his body move. Just one second he was facing Dawn. Now he stood facing me. 
 

 
      "What's this?" he cackled, a wicked grin spreading across his chin. You know that song, the one that goes 'If you're happy and you know it, you're face will show it'? Well, I could certainly see the look of triumph on this guy's face. He looked like he had just won the lottery or something.  I raised my fist. Only then did I realize I had left my sword behind the magazines. Oh great. Honestly, if I can't even remember to bring it with me, how is it doing me any good?
 

 
      I stood there, mouth agape, staring at my empty hands. The suited man stepped forward and my heart leapt to my throat. I tried taking a step back but the goblins were now prancing around my feet like Persian cats, looping around my legs in figure eights.  The man reached out his hand to touch me. Since I was in no position to argue, I let him stroke my face. 
 

 
      "So you're the beautiful little Havenear I've been hearing so much about?" His teeth were an unnatural white. Yeah, great idea Arrow. Wear the necklace so everyone knows I'm a Havenear. Everyone. 
 

 
      "I've been ordered to bring you to Saralinka, little Havenear. Alive, of course. She always takes the fun out of everything." He sighed, shaking his head. I watched as he walked away and went back to the girl. 
 

 
      "Liar," he whispered in her ear before raising his wide hand and dragging it across her face. The force of the slap knocked her chair over and she toppled to the linoleum floor. I jerked forward to help, but the hem of my pant leg was in a goblin's mouth. They were strong for such small little boogers. I fell forward, reaching out my hands to break my fall. The man laughed. 
 

 
      I felt my cheeks turn red as I glared up at him from the floor, but that's when a glint of something shiny passed by behind a rack of Lays potato chips. The man didn't notice as he looked down at me. My body went rigid as I shifted myself, moving just so that my legs, if back up right, would direct me to the girl and right out through the door. But I didn't move. Now wasn't the time. I'd have to wait. The girl in the chair moaned, and I saw her move slightly too, but she was really weak, only managing to turn over. 
 

 
      "Now Havenear, no struggling or the young lady here will die. Come on, stand up," the man said, offering his hand to pull me up. My eyes quickly darted to the brown glint. The air around the girl was shimmering like a mirage or something, but there was nothing behind her. But upon looking closer, one could see the ropes around her wrists slowly untie themselves and ease away. Ok, so my only semi-logical guess is that Dawn can turn invisible now? Egh, alright. That's kinda cool. 
 

 
      The girl felt them loosen and began to wiggle. Cautiously, I reached up to grab the outstretched palm. He tugged me to my feet and I felt myself wobble as a goblin nipped at my heels, only to shy back three feet upon my 'Ouch!'.  Once I steadied myself, my body tensed. I knew what I had to do, and I had to do it fast. 
 

 
      "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I screamed at the top of my lungs while bolting forward. The man, caught unaware, turned to me shocked as I ran over him, thrusting him to the ground. The goblins jumped back, higher than kangaroos, when my voice rang out, skidding to a halt on the tile floor. I saw the girl wiggle free and force herself to stand, aided by the glitter brown dust cloud, which slowly shifted like a mirage into the solid form of Dawn. They booked it towards the door, me on their tails.  
 

 
      Shelf upon shelf of food packs rained to the floor. I would push a rack down every one I passed, causing a maze of wrappers and boxes to cover our retreat. I glanced behind me, I felt safe enough to do that. 
 

 
      Crud, was all I could think when I saw what followed us. The goblins were climbing up the walls, running sideways over them with ease while one was even defying gravity and running upside down across the ceiling. The man was floating, yes floating, behind us, his feet never touching the floor. He merely sped after us a foot off the tile, faster than I imagine he could run. I quickly turned my attention forward again. We were almost to the door, closer, closer. Dawn and the girl burst out. I was about to jump too when I hit something. 
 

 
      It was like I had jumped straight into a wall. My face collided with something hard, but there had been nothing there when I leapt. The man roared with laughter over me as I righted my crooked nose. 
 

 
      "Now where, Havenear?"
 

 
      Goblins ran at me but before they got to my outstretched hands, a blaze of red and blue light burst into the air.  Sirens wailed as, through the glass windows, crashed three men, suited in brown like forest rangers. Two had guns, the other was holding a stick, like a branch off an elm tree. The point of the stick glowed like a flash light. The suited man looked up at them in horror. Taking this moment of him not looking at me, another thought buzzed in my brain and I immediately yelled it out. 
 

 
      "Val-care!" Great, another word I just happened to know. And yet, my head told me it was the right thing to say. 
 

 
      All four of the men around glared down at me, only to duck when whistling through the air came my sword. It flew right through a stand of feminine products and whizzed through the air like a boomerang. I reached up and caught it, swaying it in my hand so that the tip was a few inches from the suited man's face. He grimaced. 
 

 
      "Soon, Havenear. So soon," he grumbled through gritted teeth before closing his eyes and sinking into a pile of yellow dust, which blew out the broken windows. The smell of the stuff was like kitty liter. I had to wrinkle my nose. The goblins looked around at each other then hastily scurried away. 
 

 
      "Yeah, what now punk?" I spoke to myself, weighing the sword in my hand. This thing is officially awesome.  The police, at least that's what I think they were, turned away with shocked expressions. Dawn ran up behind me, only to grab the weapon from my grasp.  
 
 
 
      "Where did you get this?" she demanded, turning it over on its hilt. 
 

 
      "I have no idea." She reached out for my hand. 
 

 
      "Come, I was gonna do this in the morning, but this changes everything. Let's go!" Dawn ripped me out the door and down the road, the opposite direction from the house. 
 

 
      I guess I'm not getting any sleep tonight. 
 

 
 

Chapters

4

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carol jefferies wrote 7 days ago

Hi Nicholette,

A Knight in Shining Armour

What a great opening to your book chapter one makes. It was straight to the action from the start, contrasting sharply with the banal remarks you made about yourself to begin with.

The destruction of the Theme park and the slaying of demons with a sword, certainly is graphic and well described.

A promising action-packed start to a fast-paced fantasy story.

High stars,

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)

Jack Vantage wrote 22 days ago

A delirious delight. So cool.

Think you'll like mine, especially chapter 3. If you get time take a look.

Seringapatam wrote 96 days ago

Nicholette. I have to ask,,, where did this come from. Very different and may catch on. To use the theme park just may work. I like your voice in this book and you have certainly planned this out well before you started writing it. I see some good points from the readers below and I cant add to that except I enjoyed this as I would never read anything like this normally I was hooked to it and didnt want to put it down. Well done and a good score from me. Keep going with it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean.

Andrea Taylor wrote 183 days ago

What a fabulous start! Not my normal genre but I was hooked because it was so clever and real. Good luck with this!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Rebeccarocko wrote 299 days ago

i just happened to log on today and your book caught my eye and just readying the first chapter i became hooked =) i hope that you continue to write chapters for it so that i can have more to read. the way you describe the monsters and their screams it was like i could see it in front of me =) i give u a happy face

a_novice_scribbler wrote 312 days ago

I know I am the wrong generation for this kind of writing, but I see a clean script, age appropriate language, and a theme that works with young people.Keep plugging it. Paula

Nitro280 wrote 328 days ago

Hey there,

I'm all about warrior girls vs. the monsters. Nice setting for the fight, never read or seen one take place in an amusement park before. I might detail the fight just a little bit more, make Raven really have to fight to survive rather than just to look cool to the audience, seems like the monsters are kinda pushovers (Or maybe Raven is supernatural somehow, either way this needs perhaps a hint of clarification). The location of Denver intriques me, definately some stranger energies out west, one of my favourite places. Will look forward to reading more later. Backed

Possible nit: Ms. or Miss Amnesia not Mrs. (Raven's a teen right?)

Tarzan For Real wrote 330 days ago

Nicholette we have been a busy bee!

Good job cleaning this up and bring a greater emphasis on the first person narrative. Your descriptions are detailed and fleshed well to say the least. I feel these characters and I'm compelled now to get to know them more or at least relish when they get eaten or killed. You had a lot of action early and it grabs a younger audience by the throat quick. but your writing is strong and could have greater appeal to an older audience with a little build up in tension, a little more foreshadowing, and a few twists early on.

You keep that wit and humor it's your greatest strength. It aloows you to really lightens things up before you pounce on the characters and readers again and rip their throats out.

Typo's we all struggle with on here as well as phrasing. So you are not alone on those and they don't take away from this growing novel one bit.

I'll try and get this up on my shelf soon enough. Keep at it you got the gift. Or is it a curse?--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

John Lovell wrote 331 days ago

Hello

So I read the first chapter anyways.

Very glad that you got straight into the action there. Like the setting too (I officially end my job in a theme park after 9 years a week tomorrow) so for me it was easy to imagine it.

You have a clever way of writing, funny opening paragraphs. When you said about the stuff animals being ripped into pieces this reminded me of one of my hates. Cleaning up one of these is a nightmare!

I use the same idea of the sword magic (but they don't use spell names) so it was awesome for me to read this.

Just one sentence that you might want to look at (I'm far from being an expert myself)
Before I had any idea what I was doing - Probably include "of" before "any"

Overall from the first chapter, I really liked it so I'll be back for more.

John

GOTHIC-PAGE-TURNER wrote 333 days ago

Nic,

I love this - just needs a bit of editing - but that's all part of writing process isn't it. Wish you the best of luck with this, it will appeal to alot of young women. Best wishes, AJB

ps example - last line of your firrst chapter - 'gun cocked and ready to SHOOT (not shot), and A (not the) nine year old boy staring at me as though I was Superman.'

pickarooney wrote 366 days ago

Hi Nicholette,
I read your first chapter as part of the 'chapter swap' thread and, although it's not at all the kind of book I normally read, I could imagine my younger self eagerly turning the pages on this one. A well-written female warrior character is a definite bonus.

Richard
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44838/where-chana-sings/

Tod Schneider wrote 382 days ago

This is lots of fun! Very engaging story and interesting heroine. I think this should be well received by a younger audience. You tell action well. A typo at the end of chapter 1 -- it says "shot" but you meant "shoot".
Best of luck with this!
And if kids lit appeals to you, I'd greatly appreciate you taking a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Karatekid1018 wrote 382 days ago

Hello! So, I've read the first chapter, because unfortunately, I have my cousin's dance recital to go to in an hour, and don't have any more time to read anythign else, though. There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing that made it difficult to read. Your plot is definitely interesting and will hook young readers from the very beginning. Good job! :)
I hope you can find the chance to read "Invicta". Being so young, most people don't really take me seriously, but I hope you can find the time to give me a chance. Thanks!
-Kathleen

R.J. Blain wrote 415 days ago

Greetings!! I have read to the end of Chapter 4.

You have a really good start on this story. There are a lot of elements to like, a faced-beat plot, an interesting cast of characters, and a rather large world to be explored. There were a few grammar and spelling errors, but nothing that made me pause for a few moments as I puzzled out what I thought you meant. (I think reading out loud and recording it and playing it back would help you pick up on these errors.)

The first chapter is really busy; I would consider splitting it up into two chapters... scene one.. everything but the big dragon... scene two, the battle with the big dragon and the arrest. I think it would help give a bit of breathing space from just how busy it is.

The only thing I can suggest beyond that is to not feel like you have to rush out and explain everything right away. Show us the world bit by bit rather than the car-ride information dump. That was the only real 'issue' I saw in terms of plot presentation.

For the most part, your descriptions are pretty good, although there were a few times where the action felt a little bogged down by so many descriptions and such long paragraphs. You have a really vivid imagination and it shows in your writing.

Good luck with this story, and I hope my comments are of some use to you!

LM Fowler wrote 416 days ago

I can't believe you are only in high school. Although a YA genre, which is not my usual choice, it is filled with such immense imagery, and obviously great attention has been paid to your character development and dialogue. It flows as if written by someone well beyond your years. A fun and most entertaining read.

Great work, high stars from me,
Linda
Threads of Time

Ka'zaphir wrote 418 days ago

Like the narrative and how unique you are in describing each "creature" with its own distinction. I think it really shows attention to detail. I have only read the first chapter, but i liked how you wrote this in the first person and how you can break down a single second of time into deep, intimate detail.
I also like how you change the crowds reaction, from awe consumed, into a cop having a gun cocked.

Jon (The Hidden Truth)

melissa_simonson wrote 421 days ago

Hi Nicholette,

Returning your read. I've only gotten through the first chapter (I can get to a couple more later on, if you like) and I took notes as I read. To be honest, your writing reminds me a lot of mine when I was your age. I'm not sure if you'll take that as a compliment, though.

In the first few paragraphs, I feel it lacks direction -- your MC's voice is fresh, young, and believable, but it could do with some 'tightening' if you know what I mean. God, it's hard for me to explain what I mean without trying to re-write it. It has a sort of 'rambling' feel. Ehhh, whatever, I'm horrible at explaining myself sometimes. Also, the word 'untimely' feels strange. When I think of untimely, I think of stuff like 'an untimely death'. It just read strangely to me for some reason -- if nobody else who's reviewed this has a problem with it, I'd just ignore it.

The sentence "....end you up in your grave" reads awkwardly to me. I get you're trying to express that she's got quite a temper, but I think there is a better way you could get that point across. That last sentence in the second paragraph, I think you could eliminate the 'but'. Makes it more jarring.

I found myself wondering if she was wearing shoes. You mentioned her socks...just wondered if she was doing all this barefoot.

The monsters moldy 'stank' breath sounds odd -- I think 'stink' would sound smoother.

The sentence "...colored a puke green...' I think you could do with eliminating 'colored'. If you say it's puke green, then we know that's the color of it.

Waving an arm doesn't seem like the right fit -- she subsequently lopped off a monster dog's head, right? I think it would be more of a quick slashing arm movement.

People were running around her in all directions -- that's good, but the left and right part tacked on the end was unnecessary. If you want to make it seem like they're running around her, I'd think it would be better like (and I'm pulling this out of my ass right now, so it's probably no good) streaming on either side of me, like I was Moses parting the red Sea. (Though that is TERRIBLE don't use that sentence, just trying to make a point)

I was a little confused at the 'darks of the eyes' portion. Did you mean pupils, perhaps?

Chameleon faced also threw me -- you mean the face looked faintly lizard-like? Because when I think of chameleon I think of something that blends in...wasn't sure what to imagine, there.

When you say your MC was tossing her head around, it sounds like she's juggling her head. Which I am pretty sure she is not. I think you could find a word that would resonate more than 'tossing'. Maybe 'whipping'.

I wondered briefly is "Flakreka" was a name, or a made up curse word.

LOVED the part where you said the floor was a mosaic.

Last line confused me, some. Is someone else going to be narrating the second chapter, since you said "I guess they can".

Annnyway, those are my worthless thoughts on strictly the first chapter -- I can read the second later, if you want me to, but I know I can be pretty annoying, pointing out flaws and what not. Just let me know.

Melissa

FringeBenefits wrote 421 days ago

I'm going to put more time into reading and critiquing this later, but right off the bat I have to say I *love* your opening and narration. Your protagonist has a very distinct, snappy voice that immediately pulls me in. I can't wait to read more.

Grace_Gallagher wrote 422 days ago

Damn, website ate my comment.... I'll try again!

This is fun, the narrative voice is lively and believable. I also like the vivid descriptions, e.g. the theme park. It has bags of character and is exciting. I think it could do really well with a young adult fantasy crowd.

You know there are typos and you are working on 'em, so I'll leave it at that... but best of luck, it's an enjoyable read.

GG x

upforgrabs wrote 423 days ago

I read through your first chapter, it was a fun read and I was pleased glad to see another fantasy title on this site that "doesn't take itself too seriously." Very irreverent. I was strongly reminded of the video game "Brutal Legend," which features Jack Black as an electric-guitar-wielding retired groupie fighting off hordes of demons in Hell with the power of ROCK! I can see this being popular with the teenage market.

My only real criticism: it's an action-packed scene, so your paragraphs need to be shorter. There's some word repetition: "monsters" appears too many times. Try looking up synonymns. There are some obvious grammatical and spelling errors, which I've poitned out below. These shouldn't be too hard to fix. If you want your work to stand out, it should be as polished as possible. The hook at the beginning is excellent, though.

A few suggestions:

"hoard of monsters" - should be "horde", not "hoard".

"moldy stank" - "mouldy stink"

"focused in" - "focused on"

"A sauna's worth of sweat", "Vomet Comet" - love it!

"stone hard skin" - needs a hyphen, "stone-hard"

"chameleon faced monster" - "chameleon-faced" (again, a hyphen needed.) Also, the word "monster" is cropping up an awful lot. Check a thesaurus. Alternatives are; fiend, ogre, beastie, leviathan...

"monsters to machinery" - again, the word "monsters." How many times now?

***

Rated 5 stars. Hope you enjoy "Tamria"!

James

Tabu wrote 423 days ago

Hi, Nicolette!
I only read the first chapter, but de sure I read the rest. Excellent book. Well done.. How can you be so vividly describe monsters? Super imagination!

Tabu

KittenWhiskers wrote 423 days ago

♡ you and your work Wolfie! You know I"m always behind you, right? :)

Brian Bandell wrote 424 days ago

This story is such fun. You waste no time getting into the action. You write with an amusing voice that carries the story well. I like your idea of opening with a strange situation and then explaning it as you go along.

Great job. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Marc Jones wrote 425 days ago

I’m far from an expert on this genre, but I love anything written in the first-person perspective. The way you write has a kind of interactive feel to it – especially the opening paragraphs.

My favourite line without a doubt: ‘A scream like nails in a blender.’ I thought that was excellent.

This is not the type of thing I would usually read, but when something is written to a high standard, you just have to appreciate it. I can see this being very appealing to young adults – it’s funny at times (loved chubby little mug), has enough action and has its fair share of vivid monsters. You write action scenes particularly well. You are very descriptive but don’t over-do it. That’s something very difficult to get right.

The chapter’s twist-like ending was impressive. I didn’t see it coming. And the fact that the heroine has a lot of explaining to do is a perfect way to get the reader to turn to the next page to find out how she handles it.

I will give this five stars. It was quite enjoyable, and I think it will do very well with your target audience.

Adeel wrote 427 days ago

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Kerrin wrote 429 days ago

I sort of comment as I read, so some things I write may seem unorthodox or just plain out of place. Here goes!....Beginning is very original and quirky. I love it. Such imagination and vivid scenery! You write out your action very well. It is all easy to imagine. Nice comparison to a basketball...I literally put my hands up and tried to visualize the size of this monsters iris! Okay, done reading now, and I am floored. It was so much fun. You tell your story so well and with such spunk! I couldn't find any mistakes, probably because I read through it so fast to find out what would happen next. I'm certainly backing this. You have an amazing talent for writing. I could use your super creative talent, if you would be so obliged, to take a peak at my own fantasy story "Wings???" I cant wait to read the rest!!!
Kerrin Krainis (Alaska)

Robert Hinch wrote 429 days ago

Hi Nicolette,
I've read through the first five chapters. I thought the first introductory scene was a bit forced - perhaps you were trying too hard to make that initial impact. However the rest of the writing settled down in my view. Also you could perhaps break up some of the descriptive passages and intersperse the descriptive stuff with some dialog and reflective narrative. I really like how you keep the story going from twist to turn which keeps the reader interested and stimulated. And I like the storyline that is folding out. This feels like one of those reads that will draw you in right throughout the book - I like it and I'm going to put it on my bookshelf.
Rgds
Rob

Tarzan For Real wrote 430 days ago

I read through twice the first four chapters. I like your creativity and your use of first person to allow the reader to get inside and feel what the character feels. Dialogue is good and your palette of imagery quite diverse. Yes some editing is in order with a few typos's and some wording but as a whole the story is a great one. Maybe change stank to "stench" and bring some more naturalistic smells and textures to trigger greater reader memory. Watch your use of point of view when switching around character dynamics. This is highly rated though and as I explore the world you created I'll offer more review. Great job.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

TMHickman wrote 433 days ago

Hi Nicolette!

Absolutely fantastic! Your first paragraph grabbed my attention and pulled me into the story relentlessly. I couldn't escape! As far as young adult fiction goes, this is superb! I'm 28, but I read young adult fiction, along with high fantasy and adult supernatural. The only suggestion that I can think to make is that at the very beginning, you never let your readers know when "now" is. True, first person speaks in the past tense ninty nine times out of one hundred, but the reader usually knows that the speaker is telling events as they happen. I'd probably put a "Now..." somewhere in the second or third paragraph. I had a nice spot picked out, but I'm stuck on chapter 2 right now and can't turn back. xD

Great Job! Many Stars and Shelved. ^_^
-Tamara

Dean Lombardo wrote 433 days ago

Hi Nicholette,
Stopping by as promised. I read Chapter 1 and you provide great imagery through a very entertaining voice/character voice. You write the action scenes well. I did not stop to nitpick on small issues such as "ready to shot" vs. "ready to shoot," because other readers have already pointed these out.

Highly starred.
Dean
P.S. -- you were the first, or one of the first, to welcome me when I joined authonomy. It's about time I got my butt here to give you a review. Good luck.

tennishorts wrote 433 days ago

Hey Nicolette,
You're really good with imagery. I only read the first chapter, but I can definitely see you translating these monsters from your mind directly onto paper. That's a great talent to have. Very descriptive, very believable. If you get time, please check out Caveat Viator (my booky wook) :)

Dianna Lanser wrote 434 days ago

Hi Nicolette,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to your book. But I’m glad I did. So you are a high school student, is that right? You don’t write like any high school student I know. Your story is creative, visual, interactive and quite superior to a lot of the young adult literature that is being published today

Incidentally, my niece just finished reading the Outsiders, which was written, and I think published, when the author was in high school. You are never too young - especially with someone as talented as you.

I have read a lot of fantasy type sword fights on this site and when I started to read your book I thought, Oh no, not another one! But I thought you pulled it off very well. Perhaps it was the conversational thoughts of Raven or the wonderful use of literary devices or that the fight didn’t last too long, but I kept reading and found that the story was very redeeming and became very engaging.

Your descriptions are full of color and imagery and I really liked the tone of voice throughout - very consistent and teenage-like. It speaks well to your audience. I wish you the very best with this. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
http://www.authonomy.com/books/37204/nothing-but-the-blood/

One little mistake in chapter one:

“…gun cocked and ready to shot, (shoot)…”

Bethanie wrote 436 days ago

Unbelievable--I absolutely LOVE this. You have the action right at first that pulled me in immediately. I like the colorful cat toe socks. Modernized fantasy novel with a flare. The combination of modern teen life thrown into the middle of a giant fantasy world, which only those who are writers know about. I wanted to jump in and join the sword fight. It was like I was watching all of the action in the first chapter on a giant movie theatre screen--by the way, what a great movie this would make. You have me HOOKED!! Best of wishes to you and I have a feeling this is going to fly up the list like wildfire. OUTSTANDING!!!

~Bethanie

rikasworld wrote 436 days ago

I read the first three chapter and I thought this works really well. I wasn't sure at first but realised that that is because I am an oldie. This is written absolutely for the target audience, fantasy and modern teen life. I liked the talking to the audience and found the first scene created a very vivid picture in my mind and I think it was a good idea to have a bit of explanation in chapter 3, having kept us guessing until then. Loved some of the phrases like a 'Sauna's worth of sweat' and 'Arresting Mickey Mouse'. One typo I noticed. I think you need a moldy stink from the monster not a moldy stank.
Nice one!

Goonerpat wrote 436 days ago

hi and WOW! i wouldn't like to meet you in the arena...or maybe i would as a tag team. love the first chapter. i know how hard it is to imagine and choreographically describe a sword fight. i have tried it in my book(s). well done...will continue in time
Pat

Luke Goode wrote 436 days ago

Good unorthodox start that captures well. I'm not going to finish reading the book, because it's not my cup of tea. But I would buy it for a lot of friends. You are a talent, who with the right marketing to your target group will succeed.

Bug289 wrote 437 days ago

Nicholette,

So here is the read I promised (some weeks back on a forum thread/message!) :)

I like the humorous tone you set from the start, the pace is fast and we start in the middle of the action (without jumping back in time in the next chapter!) Nice.

Personally I don't like the 'talking to the reader' section at the beginning, but I think that is a personal choice as many good writers use that technique.

What it highlights though, is the detached viewpoint you write in. We seem to be stuck somewhere between 1st person POV and a narrator. For example (and I think others have mentioned some of these) Raven just doesn't seem shaken enough given the fact she has no idea why this is happening. Perhaps she has an innate bravery and she gets things done before she stops to think but then I would like to see that when she is in the cop car and everything has slowed down. Another example is where she sees Arrow with pointy ears but then you say she doesn't notice them because she captured by his eyes. Either we are inside her head and therefore just see his eyes, with her; or we are sitting on a perch overlooking the action.

For me it was a problem because I found I was having trouble connecting with the charater.

There were a few places where you over-describe. For example: '...as the creature swung its tail around counterclockwise in my direction'. the counterclockwise is redundant, as a reader we just need to know the tail is coming right at us. This is something to look for throughout. My first draft is riddled with over-description because I needed to write everything I saw. You need to cut some of that out in later edits (I still have a couple in my latest edit which someone has very kindly pointed out of me on AUthonomy!) Sometimes we can be too close, 'can't see the wood for the trees' as they say.

Other examples briefly: 'does it matter the Wal-mart bag was 'floating around the floor', is the passenger seat not, by definition, next to the driver seat?

If the policeman doesn't believe she has amnesia why is he so quick to tell her where they are ad where they are going? SUrely he would roll his eyes at least? Use a patient tone...something alone those lines.
And later she is very quick to dismiss Arrow and say 'I don't think I know you' but she knows she doesn't remember very much and they seem to know her so surely she would not be so abrupt with him.

You have a good premise and the beginnings of a good character, you just need to edit out your excitement now. When first writing the story I find I write it in such a way that if it was a film my characters would appear to be ham-acting. It's the excitement of the action and getting the story on the page. Then I have to go back and do a reality check - yes I am a fantasy writer - but in order for other people to want to read they need to believe the character within the confines of the world you create.

I hope that helps anyway. I thought it was majorly action packed and enjoyable anyway. I'm impressed at how well written it is for a 1st draft.

Danielle

muntsy wrote 439 days ago

Nice work...Great vision, different...And your still in high school...WOW!!

Kate LaRue wrote 439 days ago

Nicholette, I'm here for our reading swap. I've read through chapter five. This is an interesting premise. I've never come across half-elven half-mythical creatures before, so to me that is a new concept. I'm not sure if you've explained properly the doorway between the two worlds and why these half-elvens would want to live in the human world in the first place. Is it mostly the dark creatures that choose to cross between the worlds, since they are maybe somewhat persecuted in their own world? I think that could be explained a little sooner. That being said, I'm afraid Arrow's explanation of the war and the division between the dark and light creatures dragged a little for me, and I wanted that to be a little more succinct. Maybe if you let the twins give portions of the explanation, it would break up Arrow's monologue.

The beginning chapter didn't work well for me. I think the first two paragraphs should be cut. The first sentence is the most important. You need it to hook the reader instantly, and yours didn't do that. I'm not a big fan of addressing the reader as 'you'. Usually it pulls me out of the story, and you've done that before I've even been pulled into the story. I also wasn't convinced that Raven didn't know who she was or how she had gotten there. She really didn't exude confusion as she's battling the monsters. If I woke up in the middle of that kind of scene with a sword in my hand, and started shouting strange words and wielding the sword like an expert, I'd be a little more freaked out than Raven is. I'd be sweating (regardless of the cold), my heart would be racing, I'd be in a general state of panic about what was happening. Same when she gets put in the police cruiser, then rescued by Arrow and the twins.

In general there is a lot of telling rather than showing, and especially in the first chapter you switch tense a lot. Stick to past or present tense, and show rather than tell. Don't say 'snow was falling', say 'snowflakes drifted through the air, dusting the ground and the shattered remains of the amusement park.'

Make sure the action makes sense. Would Raven really turn her back on a hoard of monsters after cutting the head off the first one?

I guess that is all I have for now. I hope this is helpful.

Kate

Alecia Stone wrote 440 days ago

An intriguing start. Right away you hit the readers with suspense. I like that. I like the fact that you went straight into the action instead of lingering on backstory. Nicely done. I like the fast pace - it doesn't slack. You have created a likeable character in Raven.

I've only read the first two chapters, but it's off to a good start. It's written well though I did notice a few punctuation errors, but nothing too major.

It definitely has a lot of promise.

Alecia :)

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 442 days ago

Hi.
A fast paced, well wriiten and edited story, packed with mythical, fairytale creatures.
Definitely a winner for the young adult market. They can't get enough of this kind of book, perfect timing!
It seems pretty well polished already.
I wish you all the luck, best wshes,
Pollyanna, 'Marsupeople'.

R.J. Stanley wrote 443 days ago

Hi Nicholette,

Thanks for stopping by to say hello!

I have been reading over your book info and read the first few chapters already - I LOVE IT! You go girl, this is great!

I backed and gave you a good rating!

If you have a chance I'd love for you to take a look at my book as well :-)

Thanks!
RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love

Josh Brookes wrote 445 days ago

YARGLEFLARGLE!

HA! Choke. Cough.

That's amazing, Nicholette. My friend Karen told me this was good, but I never imagined. It's quirky, detailed, and Raven's attitude cracks me up. From what my limited 00:20 AM intelligence can register, she has a brilliant "Yeah... so?" attitdue coupled with a sword. That first scene with her fight with the monsters I've read twice just because I think it was great. The creatures you've come up with as well are great. It won't let me scroll back up for some reason but that one with the green smokey breathe, which lost its head within seconds was, i thought, pretty darn cool.

There we a few spellings mistakes here and there. A hell of a lot of commans, I feel in the first paragraphs, but I don't really know enough about it myself to comment. Besides it's a first-person point-of-view, which means narration wouldn't ever been completely perfect. It shouldn't, the human mind doesn't worj thatw ay. Makes it all the more believeable. <-- That spelled right? I don't even know.

Anyway. It's a good start, Nicholette. When it isn't taking a bowl of cereal and DVD's of Supernatural to keep me awake I will carry on reading. =) Well done.

Badbadclown wrote 446 days ago

Very Good, The first chapter is amazing it really got me hooked and has everything that I, myself really enjoy in a book. Really good first chapter.

Badbadclown
"The Ballard Of Darkness And Blood."

Quickwriter wrote 446 days ago

I've only read the first chapter so far but I can tell you, you got me hooked with starting out with the character not remembering anything. It leaves a lot of questions for a curious person like me wonder and want to find out. I look forward to reading more.

Quickwriter

AunaJune wrote 448 days ago

Interesting ideas. Good endings to the chapters, they keep the reader's attention. Dialogue tags are smooth and you don't seem to have any issues with the descriptions. Your voice has an interesting twist for this type of book, but it still is interesting, it feels straight-forward (nice, but be careful so you don't overrule the story). You seem to have a good grasp and start for this novel. The only thing I see is watch your adverbs. You don't have too many, but it is still something to look at, because I think if you took a few of the normal ones (quickly as an example) out it would really help the flow here. I will do my best to take another look shortly, but good job so far.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Kestrelraptorial wrote 448 days ago

Hi Nicholette!

I've read your book. I really like your ideas, though I enjoyed the story in the first five chapters most. I loved the first chapter - intense beginning. I like the story of the Great Jeweled Dragon and the Havenears. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the pacing and the dialogue, I'll have to revisit it a bit later. Do you have more chapters you can post?

Kestrellian

ItsaSecret wrote 448 days ago

Had a few minutes and read chapter one, very interesting and I'll be back for more! xx

Antonius Metalogos wrote 448 days ago

Okay, N. you asked us to pick it apart and so I'm going to do a little of that for you but not before I tell you that I like the spunk of your main character and the unique voice that you tell your story with. Also, the action is great and the pace is fast so it is definitely not a boring read. You surely want to do some editing on this work of yours though if you want people to take it more seriously. Some of the sentences that need it are as follows:
1. There was about twenty of them, most of which appeared to be no older than I was, a middle school school group maybe.
You need to make sure your verbs agree in number with your subjects. Also, it's best to avoid identical words in close proximity if you can; e.g: school school. Should be:
1a. There were about twenty of them and many appeared to be about my same age; perhaps they were middle school students.
2. The fangs were almost as tall as me standing up.
Question:Does your height change if you lay down? Should be:
2a. Its fangs were almost as long as I am tall.
3. It rushed at me, all eight of its legs pushing it forward with snout down, planning, I assume, to ram into me.
This sentence is awkward. It wants to read:
3a. With its eight legs propelling it forward, it rushed at me with its snout low, as if it were planning to ram me.
4. When I finally did raise my head, what I saw was a very frightened group of people staring at me, a police officer standing over me, gun cocked and ready to shot, and the nine year old boy staring at me as though I was Superman.
I have a number of problems with this sentence. First, it is too long; Second, it has a word, shot, that doesn't work in it; Third, how do we know that boy is nine years old?; And fourth, why Superman? Why not Superwoman since the protagonist is a girl?
Guess I would fix it like this:
4a. When I finally looked up, I saw that group of young people staring at me with real fright in their eyes. There was also a police towering over me with his gun cocked, finger trembling on its trigger. And the boy with chubby cheeks was looking at me as if he thought I was Superwoman.

Well, I hope this was useful to you, Nicholette. Editing one's work is as important the creation of it. Good luck!

M. E. Harrow wrote 449 days ago

Nicholette, A Night in Shining Armor starts off with a hiss and a roar, the fight scene is well described and Raven is immediately set up as sassy and tough and very good with a weapon. The story is great and the characters very immaginative.
You may want to avoid unnecessary repetition, for example at the start of chapter two you state that Raven is in a car, then you repeat this twice in each of the next two paragraphs.
Details are also good, however you tend to get bogged down in too much detail at times. Perhaps concentrate on what's happening and describe that well and succinctly without getting into too much description of things that don't push the story forward. The paragraph starting 'The car zig-zagged...' for example.
You definately have a unique style which I like a lot. It is fresh and reflects how people would talk in real life something hard to do over an entire book.
Well done, this was an enjoyable read.

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