Book Jacket

 

rank 242
word count 25061
date submitted 07.01.2012
date updated 22.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

☾ A Night in Shining Armor ☽

Nicholette Wolfe

'As Kingdoms of Darkness lit
The crown atop the queen’s brow
Let it be known and forever writ
That peace was started here, now'

 


Grave danger has fallen upon the world simply called Saralinka, home to all magical creatures; dragons, pixies, ogres, werewolves.
Luna, queen of half the land has gone missing. Her three power-hungry daughters now share the crown. But will their drive for control destroy the land?
The other leader, the Great Jeweled Dragon is said to be long dead, leaving behind only his sword, the most powerful weapon in the worlds. No one knows now where it is...
~~~
A young teen wakes up to find herself surrounded by monsters. And in her hands, a sword, its blade bursting into flame. She is meant to save them all. But how can she when her memories are gone?
Through her journey Raven will discover the truth about her broken past, the secret lives of the mythical creatures we all know and love, and a family she has only ever dreamed about. The three queens await her arrival. Will she be able to stop their mad reign?

For future reference, a map of Saralinka: http://i.imgur.com/iu1Pr.jpg

~
Draft 1. Please pick it apart. I'm working on just writing it now. Will major edit later.

 
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tags

danger, dragons, fairy tales, fantasy, hero, magic, monsters

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Chapters

9

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Chapter 9
 

 
      "Varmasha per toga me skar!" Flint cursed in Elfish, grabbing the video game out of Wyck's hands. "You're taking too long, it's my turn!" Wyck responded with a slap to his brother's fingers.
 

 
      "I haven't died yet! Come on, two more minutes!" I turned the volume up on my iPod to drown out the squabbling between the twins. Dawn had said this flight would be six hours. I'm not sure if I can handle six hours of this.
 

 
      The townspeople, having heard of the predicament, paid for tickets to bring us to the magical world. It surprised me, such tickets were highly expensive, but we got them none the less. Our group had driven to Denver that morning, all five of us sitting in a van belonging to Jewel who had graciously offered to drive us to DIA, Denver International Airport. It was the closest airport that offered flights through one of the interworldly portals. Arrow had told me there were four portals to the other world from Earth, one in Paris, one underneath Mt. Kilimanjaro, one near Juno, Alaska, and the other in the air above the Pacific Ocean. That was the one we were going to, above the ocean. Dawn said it was the fastest. I'm not sure if I believe her.
 

 
      We had arrived at the airport greeted by the statue of a cobalt bronco with piercing red eyes. Dawn shivered in its presence, but I loved it. I saw in the guidebook that horses similar to that one roamed the grasslands of Saralinka and devoured mortal flesh. Fascinating.
 

 
      When Jewel said goodbye, it made my nerves jump on edge as she cried hard, giving each of us a long, tight hug. She acted as if we weren't coming back, as if this were the last goodbye. Dawn almost cried too, but the dragons pulled her away. When Jewel reached down to hug me, she instead pulled my ear to her mouth and whispered, "Be safe and trust no one." As she pulled away, her eyes reflected an immeasurable fear. Okay. I don't know what she was getting so worked up about. From all the stories I've heard, Saralinka was at peace after the war. What could possibly be dangerous? But then again, Havenears were disappearing.... I shook my head. I just need to remember we’re here for Crane.
 

 
      As one would expect, the lines through security took the most time. Dawn asked a security officer who pointed us to a small room near one of the restaurants. Inside, a door led us to a completely different part of the airport. One humans weren't allowed to. Magical creatures of all species crowded the terminal.
 

 
      My sword almost didn't make it through security. Apparently even magical creatures have to take off their shoes and empty their pockets. I grabbed the sword and whispered the most recent spell I had learned. Arcana. The sword dissolved into the air, becoming just a haze in front of me which I easily wrapped my fingers around and carried through the metal detector with no problem. I had it in my backpack, taking up little space as it was just air now.
 

 
      From there, we sat and waited, until at last we boarded the giant metal plane. The outside was painted various colors of red with the words, Fenix Airways painted in the side of the tail. For a magical flight, it seemed pretty normal. There was a jerk in front of me leaning his seat back all the way, his two heads yawning simultaneously, a young nymph was screaming his little head off, and the flight attendant looked as though she was gonna spit acid at me. So normal, right?
 

 
      Somehow all of us had managed to get seats in the same row, so I was stuck between Flint and Arrow. Arrow never let go of my hand and this hardly bothered me. I did smack the dragon once or twice though. Hm, four more hours.
 

 
      When we were about over California, I rested my head on Arrow's shoulder. I didn't realize I was asleep until I saw in my dream the wolf lady again.
 

 
      Only she wasn't talking to me this time. She was on her knees in what looked like some kind of throne room, white polished marble with silver and red tapestries hanging from the walls. The shape of a crescent moon was etched into everything, the stone, the floor. Two shadowy figures stood on either side of the werewolf and would once in a while poke at her with the long sabers in their hands. I couldn't tell what they were, the image was too blurry, but they were at least twice the size of the wolf. Three thrones of shining copper were before them. I wondered for a second why they weren't silver too, but then I remembered, silver burns werewolves.
 

 
      In front of the thrones were three female wolves, each in a different color dress, each with a white crown atop their heads. The image blurred again and I lost sight for a moment, but three very different voices rang out in the blur. They were speaking in grunts and growls, but I still managed to understand.
 

 
      "Let's kill her!" One voice said, a gruff, almost manly voice.
 

 
      "She is immortal, you fool! She will not die!" said another, this one younger and more inexperienced.
 

 
       "No," the third voice demanded, silencing any words from the others. "We shall chain her. Make sure no one knows she is still alive. No one knows she is immortal but us. Spread the word, the Queen is dead!" The others cackled as the whole vision turned black. Before I stirred in waking up, I heard Luna's voice again.
 

 
      "Find me, child...."
 

 
      I'll try, the voice in my head answered. I didn't understand why. This trip was to find Crane, not the lost queen. But I couldn't help but answer yes.
 

 
      That was when Arrow nudged me up into a sitting position. My eyes opened back up to the grey interior of the plane. Flint was passed out beside me and his brother next to him. The seatbelt sign on the ceiling blinked on. I checked mine, it was tight.
 

 
      "We're going to be going through the portal soon. They don't want us to be bouncing around in the turbulence. I figured you would want to be awake," Arrow said, stroking my hair with his gentle fingers. I smiled and nodded.
 

 
      "Hey, Raven!" Dawn called from two seats over. She was the one by the window with a scholarly looking faun next to her. She wave across the aisle. "Come here, and switch me spots! It's cool when you look out the window!" My face was red with excitement as Arrow let me past him. Dawn asked the faun in Elfish to stand and we quickly changed seats. Once my butt touched the cushion, I immediately opened the blind over the glass window.
 

 
       We were above the clouds, their soft, milky whiteness visible under the metal wings which outstretched far enough to tug at the nearest cloud, pulling it apart like cotton. Small whispy strands trailed the engines, swirling around each other, more delicate than a spider web. It was beautiful. Only when the faun chuckled, did I realize that my face was squished up against the glass.
 

 
      "This your first time here?" he asked in a broken English. I nodded. He chuckled again before adding, "Drägon, will you be surprised." I didn't know if he meant this as a good or bad thing, so I merely nodded and turned back to the window.
 

 
       The clouds were beginning to change now. They were no longer white and fluffy puffs of cotton candy. They were now a solid grey mass, stretching from far behind us to far in front of us. All its shapes began to blend together to the point where it looked like we were flying through dirty snow instead. Ice crystals began to form on the tips of the wings and soon coated the window. I could no longer see out, it was just a grey haze. A bright light flashed for a moment, then faded back into the slur of the storm. Lightning.
 

 
      We hit an air pocket or something and the entire plane lurched upward, sending many of its passengers flying to the ceiling. I tightened my belt and felt my fingers claw into the armrests. Another air pocket, another bash to the wall. My head hit the glass as the entire plane tilted right. Lightning flashed again.
 

 
      Like a jeep on gravel, for what seemed like ten minutes, we bumped up and down constantly, dodging randomly to the side. I looked over to my neighbor. The faun was perfectly still. He didn't move. Then me beside him, "Hooooow aaaaare youuuuu doooooing thaaaaaaat?"  He flashed me a corny smile.
 

 
      "Falin, karme, rodi, tora," he began counting down in Elfish. Ten, nine, eight, seven... I ignored him. I was too concentrated on not covering him with my stomach contents. He kept counting though, slowly hitting the last number. "Alim, mutro, karde, shin, lemont." Zero. As soon as the word left his lips, the plane stopped. I mean, it just didn't stop shaking, but stopped completely, engines cutting and everything. I felt my butt sink lower and lower into the seat. We were falling.
 

 
      I almost screamed, but then I saw everyone else in the row.  Arrow was sitting completely still too, along with Dawn who just blankly stared straight ahead. The dragons, however, were freaking out, not screaming, but their eyes were at least as big as softballs.
 

 
      I looked ahead. No one moved, no one breathed even. The nymph baby had grown quiet too. The silence was unnerving as we continued falling. Out the window, the sky was turning from the grey blob to a lighter blue. Pretty soon I saw the ocean line draw closer and closer. That's it, I thought, we're gonna crash. I closed my eyes and prepared for impact. It never came.
 

 
      The plane shuddered again. And then, the engines leisurely turned back on, the plane regained its balance and we continued forward. It seemed like the entire passenger board breathed a simultaneous sigh. I looked out the window. I could no longer see behind us the ocean line, only clear blue skies with no clouds. "Okay, what just happened?"
 

 
      "Welcome to Saralinka, little Havenear," the faun said without looking at me. I turned back to the window. What met my gaze made it perfectly clear. I was for sure not on Earth anymore. So this must be the magical land?

Chapters

9

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Seringapatam wrote 68 days ago

Nicholette. I have to ask,,, where did this come from. Very different and may catch on. To use the theme park just may work. I like your voice in this book and you have certainly planned this out well before you started writing it. I see some good points from the readers below and I cant add to that except I enjoyed this as I would never read anything like this normally I was hooked to it and didnt want to put it down. Well done and a good score from me. Keep going with it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean.

Andrea Taylor wrote 155 days ago

What a fabulous start! Not my normal genre but I was hooked because it was so clever and real. Good luck with this!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Rebeccarocko wrote 271 days ago

i just happened to log on today and your book caught my eye and just readying the first chapter i became hooked =) i hope that you continue to write chapters for it so that i can have more to read. the way you describe the monsters and their screams it was like i could see it in front of me =) i give u a happy face

a_novice_scribbler wrote 284 days ago

I know I am the wrong generation for this kind of writing, but I see a clean script, age appropriate language, and a theme that works with young people.Keep plugging it. Paula

Nitro280 wrote 300 days ago

Hey there,

I'm all about warrior girls vs. the monsters. Nice setting for the fight, never read or seen one take place in an amusement park before. I might detail the fight just a little bit more, make Raven really have to fight to survive rather than just to look cool to the audience, seems like the monsters are kinda pushovers (Or maybe Raven is supernatural somehow, either way this needs perhaps a hint of clarification). The location of Denver intriques me, definately some stranger energies out west, one of my favourite places. Will look forward to reading more later. Backed

Possible nit: Ms. or Miss Amnesia not Mrs. (Raven's a teen right?)

Tarzan For Real wrote 302 days ago

Nicholette we have been a busy bee!

Good job cleaning this up and bring a greater emphasis on the first person narrative. Your descriptions are detailed and fleshed well to say the least. I feel these characters and I'm compelled now to get to know them more or at least relish when they get eaten or killed. You had a lot of action early and it grabs a younger audience by the throat quick. but your writing is strong and could have greater appeal to an older audience with a little build up in tension, a little more foreshadowing, and a few twists early on.

You keep that wit and humor it's your greatest strength. It aloows you to really lightens things up before you pounce on the characters and readers again and rip their throats out.

Typo's we all struggle with on here as well as phrasing. So you are not alone on those and they don't take away from this growing novel one bit.

I'll try and get this up on my shelf soon enough. Keep at it you got the gift. Or is it a curse?--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

John Lovell wrote 303 days ago

Hello

So I read the first chapter anyways.

Very glad that you got straight into the action there. Like the setting too (I officially end my job in a theme park after 9 years a week tomorrow) so for me it was easy to imagine it.

You have a clever way of writing, funny opening paragraphs. When you said about the stuff animals being ripped into pieces this reminded me of one of my hates. Cleaning up one of these is a nightmare!

I use the same idea of the sword magic (but they don't use spell names) so it was awesome for me to read this.

Just one sentence that you might want to look at (I'm far from being an expert myself)
Before I had any idea what I was doing - Probably include "of" before "any"

Overall from the first chapter, I really liked it so I'll be back for more.

John

GOTHIC-PAGE-TURNER wrote 305 days ago

Nic,

I love this - just needs a bit of editing - but that's all part of writing process isn't it. Wish you the best of luck with this, it will appeal to alot of young women. Best wishes, AJB

ps example - last line of your firrst chapter - 'gun cocked and ready to SHOOT (not shot), and A (not the) nine year old boy staring at me as though I was Superman.'

pickarooney wrote 338 days ago

Hi Nicholette,
I read your first chapter as part of the 'chapter swap' thread and, although it's not at all the kind of book I normally read, I could imagine my younger self eagerly turning the pages on this one. A well-written female warrior character is a definite bonus.

Richard
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44838/where-chana-sings/

Tod Schneider wrote 354 days ago

This is lots of fun! Very engaging story and interesting heroine. I think this should be well received by a younger audience. You tell action well. A typo at the end of chapter 1 -- it says "shot" but you meant "shoot".
Best of luck with this!
And if kids lit appeals to you, I'd greatly appreciate you taking a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Karatekid1018 wrote 354 days ago

Hello! So, I've read the first chapter, because unfortunately, I have my cousin's dance recital to go to in an hour, and don't have any more time to read anythign else, though. There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing that made it difficult to read. Your plot is definitely interesting and will hook young readers from the very beginning. Good job! :)
I hope you can find the chance to read "Invicta". Being so young, most people don't really take me seriously, but I hope you can find the time to give me a chance. Thanks!
-Kathleen

R.J. Blain wrote 387 days ago

Greetings!! I have read to the end of Chapter 4.

You have a really good start on this story. There are a lot of elements to like, a faced-beat plot, an interesting cast of characters, and a rather large world to be explored. There were a few grammar and spelling errors, but nothing that made me pause for a few moments as I puzzled out what I thought you meant. (I think reading out loud and recording it and playing it back would help you pick up on these errors.)

The first chapter is really busy; I would consider splitting it up into two chapters... scene one.. everything but the big dragon... scene two, the battle with the big dragon and the arrest. I think it would help give a bit of breathing space from just how busy it is.

The only thing I can suggest beyond that is to not feel like you have to rush out and explain everything right away. Show us the world bit by bit rather than the car-ride information dump. That was the only real 'issue' I saw in terms of plot presentation.

For the most part, your descriptions are pretty good, although there were a few times where the action felt a little bogged down by so many descriptions and such long paragraphs. You have a really vivid imagination and it shows in your writing.

Good luck with this story, and I hope my comments are of some use to you!

LM Fowler wrote 388 days ago

I can't believe you are only in high school. Although a YA genre, which is not my usual choice, it is filled with such immense imagery, and obviously great attention has been paid to your character development and dialogue. It flows as if written by someone well beyond your years. A fun and most entertaining read.

Great work, high stars from me,
Linda
Threads of Time

Ka'zaphir wrote 390 days ago

Like the narrative and how unique you are in describing each "creature" with its own distinction. I think it really shows attention to detail. I have only read the first chapter, but i liked how you wrote this in the first person and how you can break down a single second of time into deep, intimate detail.
I also like how you change the crowds reaction, from awe consumed, into a cop having a gun cocked.

Jon (The Hidden Truth)

melissa_simonson wrote 393 days ago

Hi Nicholette,

Returning your read. I've only gotten through the first chapter (I can get to a couple more later on, if you like) and I took notes as I read. To be honest, your writing reminds me a lot of mine when I was your age. I'm not sure if you'll take that as a compliment, though.

In the first few paragraphs, I feel it lacks direction -- your MC's voice is fresh, young, and believable, but it could do with some 'tightening' if you know what I mean. God, it's hard for me to explain what I mean without trying to re-write it. It has a sort of 'rambling' feel. Ehhh, whatever, I'm horrible at explaining myself sometimes. Also, the word 'untimely' feels strange. When I think of untimely, I think of stuff like 'an untimely death'. It just read strangely to me for some reason -- if nobody else who's reviewed this has a problem with it, I'd just ignore it.

The sentence "....end you up in your grave" reads awkwardly to me. I get you're trying to express that she's got quite a temper, but I think there is a better way you could get that point across. That last sentence in the second paragraph, I think you could eliminate the 'but'. Makes it more jarring.

I found myself wondering if she was wearing shoes. You mentioned her socks...just wondered if she was doing all this barefoot.

The monsters moldy 'stank' breath sounds odd -- I think 'stink' would sound smoother.

The sentence "...colored a puke green...' I think you could do with eliminating 'colored'. If you say it's puke green, then we know that's the color of it.

Waving an arm doesn't seem like the right fit -- she subsequently lopped off a monster dog's head, right? I think it would be more of a quick slashing arm movement.

People were running around her in all directions -- that's good, but the left and right part tacked on the end was unnecessary. If you want to make it seem like they're running around her, I'd think it would be better like (and I'm pulling this out of my ass right now, so it's probably no good) streaming on either side of me, like I was Moses parting the red Sea. (Though that is TERRIBLE don't use that sentence, just trying to make a point)

I was a little confused at the 'darks of the eyes' portion. Did you mean pupils, perhaps?

Chameleon faced also threw me -- you mean the face looked faintly lizard-like? Because when I think of chameleon I think of something that blends in...wasn't sure what to imagine, there.

When you say your MC was tossing her head around, it sounds like she's juggling her head. Which I am pretty sure she is not. I think you could find a word that would resonate more than 'tossing'. Maybe 'whipping'.

I wondered briefly is "Flakreka" was a name, or a made up curse word.

LOVED the part where you said the floor was a mosaic.

Last line confused me, some. Is someone else going to be narrating the second chapter, since you said "I guess they can".

Annnyway, those are my worthless thoughts on strictly the first chapter -- I can read the second later, if you want me to, but I know I can be pretty annoying, pointing out flaws and what not. Just let me know.

Melissa

FringeBenefits wrote 393 days ago

I'm going to put more time into reading and critiquing this later, but right off the bat I have to say I *love* your opening and narration. Your protagonist has a very distinct, snappy voice that immediately pulls me in. I can't wait to read more.

Grace_Gallagher wrote 394 days ago

Damn, website ate my comment.... I'll try again!

This is fun, the narrative voice is lively and believable. I also like the vivid descriptions, e.g. the theme park. It has bags of character and is exciting. I think it could do really well with a young adult fantasy crowd.

You know there are typos and you are working on 'em, so I'll leave it at that... but best of luck, it's an enjoyable read.

GG x

upforgrabs wrote 394 days ago

I read through your first chapter, it was a fun read and I was pleased glad to see another fantasy title on this site that "doesn't take itself too seriously." Very irreverent. I was strongly reminded of the video game "Brutal Legend," which features Jack Black as an electric-guitar-wielding retired groupie fighting off hordes of demons in Hell with the power of ROCK! I can see this being popular with the teenage market.

My only real criticism: it's an action-packed scene, so your paragraphs need to be shorter. There's some word repetition: "monsters" appears too many times. Try looking up synonymns. There are some obvious grammatical and spelling errors, which I've poitned out below. These shouldn't be too hard to fix. If you want your work to stand out, it should be as polished as possible. The hook at the beginning is excellent, though.

A few suggestions:

"hoard of monsters" - should be "horde", not "hoard".

"moldy stank" - "mouldy stink"

"focused in" - "focused on"

"A sauna's worth of sweat", "Vomet Comet" - love it!

"stone hard skin" - needs a hyphen, "stone-hard"

"chameleon faced monster" - "chameleon-faced" (again, a hyphen needed.) Also, the word "monster" is cropping up an awful lot. Check a thesaurus. Alternatives are; fiend, ogre, beastie, leviathan...

"monsters to machinery" - again, the word "monsters." How many times now?

***

Rated 5 stars. Hope you enjoy "Tamria"!

James

Tabu wrote 395 days ago

Hi, Nicolette!
I only read the first chapter, but de sure I read the rest. Excellent book. Well done.. How can you be so vividly describe monsters? Super imagination!

Tabu

KittenWhiskers wrote 395 days ago

♡ you and your work Wolfie! You know I"m always behind you, right? :)

Brian Bandell wrote 396 days ago

This story is such fun. You waste no time getting into the action. You write with an amusing voice that carries the story well. I like your idea of opening with a strange situation and then explaning it as you go along.

Great job. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Marc Jones wrote 397 days ago

I’m far from an expert on this genre, but I love anything written in the first-person perspective. The way you write has a kind of interactive feel to it – especially the opening paragraphs.

My favourite line without a doubt: ‘A scream like nails in a blender.’ I thought that was excellent.

This is not the type of thing I would usually read, but when something is written to a high standard, you just have to appreciate it. I can see this being very appealing to young adults – it’s funny at times (loved chubby little mug), has enough action and has its fair share of vivid monsters. You write action scenes particularly well. You are very descriptive but don’t over-do it. That’s something very difficult to get right.

The chapter’s twist-like ending was impressive. I didn’t see it coming. And the fact that the heroine has a lot of explaining to do is a perfect way to get the reader to turn to the next page to find out how she handles it.

I will give this five stars. It was quite enjoyable, and I think it will do very well with your target audience.

Adeel wrote 399 days ago

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Kerrin wrote 401 days ago

I sort of comment as I read, so some things I write may seem unorthodox or just plain out of place. Here goes!....Beginning is very original and quirky. I love it. Such imagination and vivid scenery! You write out your action very well. It is all easy to imagine. Nice comparison to a basketball...I literally put my hands up and tried to visualize the size of this monsters iris! Okay, done reading now, and I am floored. It was so much fun. You tell your story so well and with such spunk! I couldn't find any mistakes, probably because I read through it so fast to find out what would happen next. I'm certainly backing this. You have an amazing talent for writing. I could use your super creative talent, if you would be so obliged, to take a peak at my own fantasy story "Wings???" I cant wait to read the rest!!!
Kerrin Krainis (Alaska)

Robert Hinch wrote 401 days ago

Hi Nicolette,
I've read through the first five chapters. I thought the first introductory scene was a bit forced - perhaps you were trying too hard to make that initial impact. However the rest of the writing settled down in my view. Also you could perhaps break up some of the descriptive passages and intersperse the descriptive stuff with some dialog and reflective narrative. I really like how you keep the story going from twist to turn which keeps the reader interested and stimulated. And I like the storyline that is folding out. This feels like one of those reads that will draw you in right throughout the book - I like it and I'm going to put it on my bookshelf.
Rgds
Rob

Tarzan For Real wrote 402 days ago

I read through twice the first four chapters. I like your creativity and your use of first person to allow the reader to get inside and feel what the character feels. Dialogue is good and your palette of imagery quite diverse. Yes some editing is in order with a few typos's and some wording but as a whole the story is a great one. Maybe change stank to "stench" and bring some more naturalistic smells and textures to trigger greater reader memory. Watch your use of point of view when switching around character dynamics. This is highly rated though and as I explore the world you created I'll offer more review. Great job.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

TMHickman wrote 405 days ago

Hi Nicolette!

Absolutely fantastic! Your first paragraph grabbed my attention and pulled me into the story relentlessly. I couldn't escape! As far as young adult fiction goes, this is superb! I'm 28, but I read young adult fiction, along with high fantasy and adult supernatural. The only suggestion that I can think to make is that at the very beginning, you never let your readers know when "now" is. True, first person speaks in the past tense ninty nine times out of one hundred, but the reader usually knows that the speaker is telling events as they happen. I'd probably put a "Now..." somewhere in the second or third paragraph. I had a nice spot picked out, but I'm stuck on chapter 2 right now and can't turn back. xD

Great Job! Many Stars and Shelved. ^_^
-Tamara

Dean Lombardo wrote 405 days ago

Hi Nicholette,
Stopping by as promised. I read Chapter 1 and you provide great imagery through a very entertaining voice/character voice. You write the action scenes well. I did not stop to nitpick on small issues such as "ready to shot" vs. "ready to shoot," because other readers have already pointed these out.

Highly starred.
Dean
P.S. -- you were the first, or one of the first, to welcome me when I joined authonomy. It's about time I got my butt here to give you a review. Good luck.

tennishorts wrote 405 days ago

Hey Nicolette,
You're really good with imagery. I only read the first chapter, but I can definitely see you translating these monsters from your mind directly onto paper. That's a great talent to have. Very descriptive, very believable. If you get time, please check out Caveat Viator (my booky wook) :)

Dianna Lanser wrote 406 days ago

Hi Nicolette,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to your book. But I’m glad I did. So you are a high school student, is that right? You don’t write like any high school student I know. Your story is creative, visual, interactive and quite superior to a lot of the young adult literature that is being published today

Incidentally, my niece just finished reading the Outsiders, which was written, and I think published, when the author was in high school. You are never too young - especially with someone as talented as you.

I have read a lot of fantasy type sword fights on this site and when I started to read your book I thought, Oh no, not another one! But I thought you pulled it off very well. Perhaps it was the conversational thoughts of Raven or the wonderful use of literary devices or that the fight didn’t last too long, but I kept reading and found that the story was very redeeming and became very engaging.

Your descriptions are full of color and imagery and I really liked the tone of voice throughout - very consistent and teenage-like. It speaks well to your audience. I wish you the very best with this. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
http://www.authonomy.com/books/37204/nothing-but-the-blood/

One little mistake in chapter one:

“…gun cocked and ready to shot, (shoot)…”

Bethanie wrote 408 days ago

Unbelievable--I absolutely LOVE this. You have the action right at first that pulled me in immediately. I like the colorful cat toe socks. Modernized fantasy novel with a flare. The combination of modern teen life thrown into the middle of a giant fantasy world, which only those who are writers know about. I wanted to jump in and join the sword fight. It was like I was watching all of the action in the first chapter on a giant movie theatre screen--by the way, what a great movie this would make. You have me HOOKED!! Best of wishes to you and I have a feeling this is going to fly up the list like wildfire. OUTSTANDING!!!

~Bethanie

rikasworld wrote 408 days ago

I read the first three chapter and I thought this works really well. I wasn't sure at first but realised that that is because I am an oldie. This is written absolutely for the target audience, fantasy and modern teen life. I liked the talking to the audience and found the first scene created a very vivid picture in my mind and I think it was a good idea to have a bit of explanation in chapter 3, having kept us guessing until then. Loved some of the phrases like a 'Sauna's worth of sweat' and 'Arresting Mickey Mouse'. One typo I noticed. I think you need a moldy stink from the monster not a moldy stank.
Nice one!

Goonerpat wrote 408 days ago

hi and WOW! i wouldn't like to meet you in the arena...or maybe i would as a tag team. love the first chapter. i know how hard it is to imagine and choreographically describe a sword fight. i have tried it in my book(s). well done...will continue in time
Pat

Luke Goode wrote 408 days ago

Good unorthodox start that captures well. I'm not going to finish reading the book, because it's not my cup of tea. But I would buy it for a lot of friends. You are a talent, who with the right marketing to your target group will succeed.

Bug289 wrote 409 days ago

Nicholette,

So here is the read I promised (some weeks back on a forum thread/message!) :)

I like the humorous tone you set from the start, the pace is fast and we start in the middle of the action (without jumping back in time in the next chapter!) Nice.

Personally I don't like the 'talking to the reader' section at the beginning, but I think that is a personal choice as many good writers use that technique.

What it highlights though, is the detached viewpoint you write in. We seem to be stuck somewhere between 1st person POV and a narrator. For example (and I think others have mentioned some of these) Raven just doesn't seem shaken enough given the fact she has no idea why this is happening. Perhaps she has an innate bravery and she gets things done before she stops to think but then I would like to see that when she is in the cop car and everything has slowed down. Another example is where she sees Arrow with pointy ears but then you say she doesn't notice them because she captured by his eyes. Either we are inside her head and therefore just see his eyes, with her; or we are sitting on a perch overlooking the action.

For me it was a problem because I found I was having trouble connecting with the charater.

There were a few places where you over-describe. For example: '...as the creature swung its tail around counterclockwise in my direction'. the counterclockwise is redundant, as a reader we just need to know the tail is coming right at us. This is something to look for throughout. My first draft is riddled with over-description because I needed to write everything I saw. You need to cut some of that out in later edits (I still have a couple in my latest edit which someone has very kindly pointed out of me on AUthonomy!) Sometimes we can be too close, 'can't see the wood for the trees' as they say.

Other examples briefly: 'does it matter the Wal-mart bag was 'floating around the floor', is the passenger seat not, by definition, next to the driver seat?

If the policeman doesn't believe she has amnesia why is he so quick to tell her where they are ad where they are going? SUrely he would roll his eyes at least? Use a patient tone...something alone those lines.
And later she is very quick to dismiss Arrow and say 'I don't think I know you' but she knows she doesn't remember very much and they seem to know her so surely she would not be so abrupt with him.

You have a good premise and the beginnings of a good character, you just need to edit out your excitement now. When first writing the story I find I write it in such a way that if it was a film my characters would appear to be ham-acting. It's the excitement of the action and getting the story on the page. Then I have to go back and do a reality check - yes I am a fantasy writer - but in order for other people to want to read they need to believe the character within the confines of the world you create.

I hope that helps anyway. I thought it was majorly action packed and enjoyable anyway. I'm impressed at how well written it is for a 1st draft.

Danielle

muntsy wrote 411 days ago

Nice work...Great vision, different...And your still in high school...WOW!!

Kate LaRue wrote 411 days ago

Nicholette, I'm here for our reading swap. I've read through chapter five. This is an interesting premise. I've never come across half-elven half-mythical creatures before, so to me that is a new concept. I'm not sure if you've explained properly the doorway between the two worlds and why these half-elvens would want to live in the human world in the first place. Is it mostly the dark creatures that choose to cross between the worlds, since they are maybe somewhat persecuted in their own world? I think that could be explained a little sooner. That being said, I'm afraid Arrow's explanation of the war and the division between the dark and light creatures dragged a little for me, and I wanted that to be a little more succinct. Maybe if you let the twins give portions of the explanation, it would break up Arrow's monologue.

The beginning chapter didn't work well for me. I think the first two paragraphs should be cut. The first sentence is the most important. You need it to hook the reader instantly, and yours didn't do that. I'm not a big fan of addressing the reader as 'you'. Usually it pulls me out of the story, and you've done that before I've even been pulled into the story. I also wasn't convinced that Raven didn't know who she was or how she had gotten there. She really didn't exude confusion as she's battling the monsters. If I woke up in the middle of that kind of scene with a sword in my hand, and started shouting strange words and wielding the sword like an expert, I'd be a little more freaked out than Raven is. I'd be sweating (regardless of the cold), my heart would be racing, I'd be in a general state of panic about what was happening. Same when she gets put in the police cruiser, then rescued by Arrow and the twins.

In general there is a lot of telling rather than showing, and especially in the first chapter you switch tense a lot. Stick to past or present tense, and show rather than tell. Don't say 'snow was falling', say 'snowflakes drifted through the air, dusting the ground and the shattered remains of the amusement park.'

Make sure the action makes sense. Would Raven really turn her back on a hoard of monsters after cutting the head off the first one?

I guess that is all I have for now. I hope this is helpful.

Kate

Alecia Stone wrote 412 days ago

An intriguing start. Right away you hit the readers with suspense. I like that. I like the fact that you went straight into the action instead of lingering on backstory. Nicely done. I like the fast pace - it doesn't slack. You have created a likeable character in Raven.

I've only read the first two chapters, but it's off to a good start. It's written well though I did notice a few punctuation errors, but nothing too major.

It definitely has a lot of promise.

Alecia :)

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 414 days ago

Hi.
A fast paced, well wriiten and edited story, packed with mythical, fairytale creatures.
Definitely a winner for the young adult market. They can't get enough of this kind of book, perfect timing!
It seems pretty well polished already.
I wish you all the luck, best wshes,
Pollyanna, 'Marsupeople'.

R.J. Stanley wrote 415 days ago

Hi Nicholette,

Thanks for stopping by to say hello!

I have been reading over your book info and read the first few chapters already - I LOVE IT! You go girl, this is great!

I backed and gave you a good rating!

If you have a chance I'd love for you to take a look at my book as well :-)

Thanks!
RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love

Josh Brookes wrote 417 days ago

YARGLEFLARGLE!

HA! Choke. Cough.

That's amazing, Nicholette. My friend Karen told me this was good, but I never imagined. It's quirky, detailed, and Raven's attitude cracks me up. From what my limited 00:20 AM intelligence can register, she has a brilliant "Yeah... so?" attitdue coupled with a sword. That first scene with her fight with the monsters I've read twice just because I think it was great. The creatures you've come up with as well are great. It won't let me scroll back up for some reason but that one with the green smokey breathe, which lost its head within seconds was, i thought, pretty darn cool.

There we a few spellings mistakes here and there. A hell of a lot of commans, I feel in the first paragraphs, but I don't really know enough about it myself to comment. Besides it's a first-person point-of-view, which means narration wouldn't ever been completely perfect. It shouldn't, the human mind doesn't worj thatw ay. Makes it all the more believeable. <-- That spelled right? I don't even know.

Anyway. It's a good start, Nicholette. When it isn't taking a bowl of cereal and DVD's of Supernatural to keep me awake I will carry on reading. =) Well done.

Badbadclown wrote 418 days ago

Very Good, The first chapter is amazing it really got me hooked and has everything that I, myself really enjoy in a book. Really good first chapter.

Badbadclown
"The Ballard Of Darkness And Blood."

Quickwriter wrote 418 days ago

I've only read the first chapter so far but I can tell you, you got me hooked with starting out with the character not remembering anything. It leaves a lot of questions for a curious person like me wonder and want to find out. I look forward to reading more.

Quickwriter

AunaJune wrote 420 days ago

Interesting ideas. Good endings to the chapters, they keep the reader's attention. Dialogue tags are smooth and you don't seem to have any issues with the descriptions. Your voice has an interesting twist for this type of book, but it still is interesting, it feels straight-forward (nice, but be careful so you don't overrule the story). You seem to have a good grasp and start for this novel. The only thing I see is watch your adverbs. You don't have too many, but it is still something to look at, because I think if you took a few of the normal ones (quickly as an example) out it would really help the flow here. I will do my best to take another look shortly, but good job so far.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Kestrelraptorial wrote 420 days ago

Hi Nicholette!

I've read your book. I really like your ideas, though I enjoyed the story in the first five chapters most. I loved the first chapter - intense beginning. I like the story of the Great Jeweled Dragon and the Havenears. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the pacing and the dialogue, I'll have to revisit it a bit later. Do you have more chapters you can post?

Kestrellian

ItsaSecret wrote 420 days ago

Had a few minutes and read chapter one, very interesting and I'll be back for more! xx

Antonius Metalogos wrote 420 days ago

Okay, N. you asked us to pick it apart and so I'm going to do a little of that for you but not before I tell you that I like the spunk of your main character and the unique voice that you tell your story with. Also, the action is great and the pace is fast so it is definitely not a boring read. You surely want to do some editing on this work of yours though if you want people to take it more seriously. Some of the sentences that need it are as follows:
1. There was about twenty of them, most of which appeared to be no older than I was, a middle school school group maybe.
You need to make sure your verbs agree in number with your subjects. Also, it's best to avoid identical words in close proximity if you can; e.g: school school. Should be:
1a. There were about twenty of them and many appeared to be about my same age; perhaps they were middle school students.
2. The fangs were almost as tall as me standing up.
Question:Does your height change if you lay down? Should be:
2a. Its fangs were almost as long as I am tall.
3. It rushed at me, all eight of its legs pushing it forward with snout down, planning, I assume, to ram into me.
This sentence is awkward. It wants to read:
3a. With its eight legs propelling it forward, it rushed at me with its snout low, as if it were planning to ram me.
4. When I finally did raise my head, what I saw was a very frightened group of people staring at me, a police officer standing over me, gun cocked and ready to shot, and the nine year old boy staring at me as though I was Superman.
I have a number of problems with this sentence. First, it is too long; Second, it has a word, shot, that doesn't work in it; Third, how do we know that boy is nine years old?; And fourth, why Superman? Why not Superwoman since the protagonist is a girl?
Guess I would fix it like this:
4a. When I finally looked up, I saw that group of young people staring at me with real fright in their eyes. There was also a police towering over me with his gun cocked, finger trembling on its trigger. And the boy with chubby cheeks was looking at me as if he thought I was Superwoman.

Well, I hope this was useful to you, Nicholette. Editing one's work is as important the creation of it. Good luck!

M. E. Harrow wrote 420 days ago

Nicholette, A Night in Shining Armor starts off with a hiss and a roar, the fight scene is well described and Raven is immediately set up as sassy and tough and very good with a weapon. The story is great and the characters very immaginative.
You may want to avoid unnecessary repetition, for example at the start of chapter two you state that Raven is in a car, then you repeat this twice in each of the next two paragraphs.
Details are also good, however you tend to get bogged down in too much detail at times. Perhaps concentrate on what's happening and describe that well and succinctly without getting into too much description of things that don't push the story forward. The paragraph starting 'The car zig-zagged...' for example.
You definately have a unique style which I like a lot. It is fresh and reflects how people would talk in real life something hard to do over an entire book.
Well done, this was an enjoyable read.

Geneva Wilkins wrote 421 days ago

Very imaginative! I think your descriptions are well thought out and the action packed beginning is an excellent start. Good luck. G.W.

riantorr wrote 421 days ago

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

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