Book Jacket

 

rank 5849
word count 23390
date submitted 09.01.2012
date updated 10.01.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Comedy
classification: adult
complete

Underlings

Tom Fox

When things go wrong you'd think it would pay to have Fate, Providence and Destiny on your side. But once they start drinking...

 

When Derek Dibble is expelled from school for a misunderstanding involving drugs his dream of going to Cambridge lies in ruin. He goes instead to a mediocre establishment in the Midlands and meets Sarah, to whom he becomes engaged. They graduate, move to London and (after she has had an affair) Sarah decides that she cannot marry him. Derek is then sacked from his job due to a bogus charge of sexual harassment as his employer looks to economise during the downturn.


It is at this low ebb that Derek joins Duck Tail Books, a publishing company of no significance in a tatty corner of London. And it is now that Fate, Destiny and Providence - three divine ladettes on a celestial girls' night out – take an interest in Derek Dibble and begin to exercise their influence to his benefit.


His life becomes an unlikely parade of sex, drugs and celebrity weddings as the deities become decreasingly sober (and correspondingly more ornate in their plans for him), shuttling him between London's most fashionable nightspots and Indian hill-palaces. The naive Derek struggles to both survive and comprehend this strange new world in which he finds himself.

 
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tags

amusing, chance, comic, cynical, destiny, evelyn, fate, fortune, funny, london, luck, novella, providence, publishing, satire, satirical, success, tri...

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1 comments

 

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Lisa Lawton wrote 500 days ago

Hi, Tom, like I said, I am honest with my crits, no bunnies, puppies or fluffy kittens. Lying to you won't help you improve your work, and let's face it ... that is the reason we are all here.

My first thought, Tom, is that you need to shorten your chapters, half the size of your first chapter is enough in one read. Your Short pitch is fine, but your long pitch needs a hook, it needs to ask the reader: "So will he or won't he get what he wants?" That way we are intrigued and we have to find out the outcome.

I noticed that you do have some pinctuation issues, below I have pointed a few out for you.

“...pile of books in his arms (comma) did the clouds...”
“...rumblings had been persistent (comma) they had been too distant...”
“...and as such (comma) it was just about...”

In your first line of dialogue, you head-hop from Derek to Mark Slant. You need to say something like:

Derek noticed Slant look at the books he carried.
‘Hey, is that Gorrington’s “Economical Model of Developing Countries”?’ Slant said.

This way we stay inside Derek's head.

I didn't read all of this, Tom, one reason was its length, the other reason was because I found your exposition slow, nothing much was happening. You're not giving us a lot to latch on to, we need something that will MAKE us want to read on to find out what happens. I didn't feel any of that, otherwise I would've read more.

Good luck with this, Tom.

Lisa. x

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