Book Jacket

 

rank 2145
word count 42642
date submitted 14.01.2012
date updated 17.11.2012
genres: Thriller, Romance, Fantasy, Comedy
classification: adult
incomplete

Otherkind

M Romero Nunn

So Mankind's safe on home ground? Think again. Romy is fast learning that with Otherkind, what you don't know can hurt you - to death.

 

'Has someone pissed you off? Don't get mad, get even. Literally. Order online now for a customised revenge story from the Storyteller and watch them suffer in print.'

Who on earth is this Storyteller? And just how the heck is he making these stories come true? People are dying all over the place! Local reporter, Romy Tanner, is determined to find out.

Aided by Adam, the newspaper's gorgeous but mysterious photographer, Romy reunites with her estranged gypsy family and discovers the existence of Otherkind: Supernatural beings capable of causing mankind's extinction. That is, if the travelling gypsies who've patrolled them for centuries, ever stop. Gypsies like the the very sexy Lucas.

Realising that the Storyteller is a part of Otherkind Romy races to find this elusive being because the story he's now writing is hers.


Book one of the OTHERKIND series of books

 
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british, comic, mystery, romance, scary, supernatural

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court_ftw wrote 825 days ago

OTHERKIND

Well, if you want different, this is the book. Right off the bat it's interesting and you can't help but keep reading. Every chapter I find my self, along with the main character, trying to uncover this 'storyteller'. Even when Romy's not looking for the storyteller, I'm still reading because her and Adam, well I wanna see what goes down!
Every character is intriguing even the secondary ones. The humour, I actually laugh out loud.

Keep up the good work!!

Wussyboy wrote 823 days ago

Brrrr....this is creepy! I sat down to read just one chapter, thought 'That's all I have time for right now", but then got sucked into reading three. The brilliant opening, in which we are introduced to the mysterious shape-shifting Storyteller, instantly engages, and chap one ends with bad-boy gigolo Greg being attacked by flesh-tearing crows in his car. Wow, Hitchcock, look out! Romy, the cool, unflappable and ultra-cool journo, then goes ultra-hot at Adam when she picks up his feelings of rage, and says "What's going on here?" Yes, that is the question that a lot of people will soon be asking - the Storyteller is writing bad luck stories for people with a grudge, so that they can see their victims suffer. But why? And who's next?

This mad mystery, which veers niftly between humour and gore, is a masterpiece in show don't tell. The clues are all there, you just have to be patient enough to find them...

Six golden stars, and on my list for shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(one tiny nit: I had to read the opening a few times to understand who was speaking, and why the handshake was not returned. Clarify?)

D. S. Hale wrote 806 days ago

This is a different and interesting story. I haven't read one like it on Authonomy. And that says something, because many stories about the same subject can be found here. Good job at finding something creative and different. I liked the opening chapters, and getting the feel of what is happening. I liked the way you described how the creature was in a foreign body that he didn't like, but needed for his purposes. I didn't find anything grammatical or in spelling that needed attention. Good job and good luck on Authonomy!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

MrKarats wrote 825 days ago

M. Romerro Nunn,

Hi, I happened on your little offering while scouring around the site for some fantasy and your cover and pitch caught my eye. I read to the middle of the third chapter -I stopped at the point where she felt his feelings...

Good writing, intriguing premise, characters with good chemistry and realistic dialogue.

Humor interchangeable with grim atmosphere, fate and intent. Great work.

6 stars. Possible shelf next month, as I rotate my favorites on here slowly. Thanks for posting this for us andI hope you'll find the encouragement to promote it out there. Work towards that end...

Good luck with it!

Yannis

P.S. In case you wish to return the read, please go for my second upload if you think you're interested. Judging from what you like to write, you'd probably like my first one, which is currently #2 on the ED, but I'm trying to draw attention to my second one. It's dark,epic fantasy set in a secondary world. May not be your kind of read, I'll totally understand if so, and don't feel obliged to return the read if you don't want to. I enjoyed what I read and will definitely come back for more.

AuroraNemesis wrote 826 days ago

A sweet and delightful story, with an almost a dream like quality.
You have a great grasp at storytelling, and use a varied vocabulary. You use every word and phrase effectively.
You set your scenes well and have well rounded and strong characters.
Original and fresh, a very good read, which I would recommend to others.

marcie8 wrote 794 days ago

Hi Maria,

A RWCG Critique:

I've read all 13 chapters posted. Overall, I think you've chosen a fascinating subject and the perfect POV to explore it with. I enjoyed what I've read so far and would love to read more. I also think this story would be better placed under the Sci-Fi mystery category rather than romance or chick lit.

I'll start off by stating outright that I am neither a Sci-Fi nor a series writer, so I apologize in advance for any truly stupid comments I make in that regard.

Based on what I've read so far, my series assumptions are:
Romy will be the POV character throughout the series. The Otherkind will be the villain throughout the series. The romance aspect will be slow burning, and run throughout the series. In the final book, Romy will defeat or otherwise contain The Otherkind, and she will choose between Adam and Lucas.

Cover/Title/Pitch:
- Cover is interesting and fits well with the prologue. Image suggests the Sci-Fi genre and a different-than-the-usual culture. That could be further accentuated by font choice.
- I like Otherkind as a series title, but I think this book needs its own title too.
- Short pitch is okay, but I think you can more specific. For example: I like the in-your-face edge to the opening question, but the use of the term "home ground" makes the work seem more sci-fi than it is. I like that you've introduced Romy as the MC, but you haven't told the reader why she's THE ONE. I like "what you don't know can hurt you" but I'd stop there. If you want to incorporate the concept of death, consider instead changing hurt to kill.
- Long Pitch - As is, the long pitch is good. All major players are introduced and the stakes are made clear. (again this might be my ignorance of series but) I'd also like the description to describe the story in terms of both the series and the individual story. I would like some sense of whether this is one long story broken up into parts (like Harry Potter), or if this is more like pieces of an ongoing whole (like the Chronicles of Narnia or a TV show).

Story Opening/Plot:
- Prologue is fantastic. Writing is strong, excellent voice and characterization. One question I had was whether explaining up front that the story teller was going to consistently kill using the hijacked body's knowledge of animals would be giving too much away. But, in retrospect, I think you have enough going on otherwise, that that's fine.
- I enjoyed the romantic courting dance between Adam and Romy, and introducing them in the workplace was fun. I do think it is fine as is. I will let you know that the description of their meeting led me to believe that either Romy or Adam is the Storyteller.
- With both Adam and Romy being mysterious, I found it difficult to get rooted in the story until I was several chapters in. In a story where the world is in jeopardy, I want the mystery focus to be on the mystery, not the characters.
- Also, it was difficult for me to make the mood jump between the intense prologue and the considerably lighter romance introduction that is chapter 1.

I've combined Story Opening and Plot sections here because I believe that starting this story with a romance is not as strong a start as it could be. In my opinion, the strengths of this story, in order, are 1) the exploration of the Roma culture, then 2) the mystery of the Storyteller and how Romy is going to stop "him", then 3) the romance aspect. Currently the story bounces around between Sci-Fi Mystery, Romance, and Chick Lit, giving each equal space. I think these aspects should instead be given proportional space. Plus, with the current romantic focus, bringing in Roma's family (first the mother, and then the clan) came off as too coincidental (i.e. author intrusion).

Consider, instead, re-ordering the plot so the focus is on the Roma aspect, and then the mystery, and then the romance. For example, the story could go something like this:
- Prologue exactly the same (because it's awesome as is)
- At the opening of the story, Romy is already established at the paper, Adam is the newbie. Romy became a reporter as part of her quest to find out about what happened to her dad. That has been her secret project and she feels like she's close now, but the editor keeps sending her on assignment. For this latest one, she's gotten stuck with the newbie, which, in her view, means more work for her because she'll need to teach him how to do his job. And what's worse, every woman in the office swoons over him so she just knows he's going to be a diva about her disinterest in him. She's mad and is starting to believe she's never going to find what she's looking for.

But the universe knows she's ready and she's about to be needed to save the world so she's starting to get signs. Her reaction to Adam in the car is the first sign of the Roma heritage - she, of course, doesn't recognize it as such. Romy handles the Greg assignment the same (interviewing him then Alice), but it's Adam who latches onto the storyteller story and starts making the connections between the mysterious deaths and forces her to see them. She does look into it, but it's Adam that comes through with the contacts to interview (just as it is now). On the second interview, they still need to run into the mother, but not as the helpful neighbour who also happens to have the letter, something much less convenient, perhaps the nosy neighbour, or perhaps they just go to check on her while in the area - the pair get the letter some other way (like maybe the paramedics are carrying the interviewee out as they arrive. They need to pry the phone from his dead hand to fit him in the ambulance. Then no one notices until the ambulance drives away that the letter dropped also and is now on the ground. The reporters pick it up.). The mother is sign #2 from the universe. Romy's resolve to get closure for herself and her mother is deepened.

The pair still get saved from the bulls by Lucas, but not in such a convenient way. Perhaps Lucas is in the middle of the road in the fog, already there dealing with the phenomena. The pair swerve around him, then go into the ditch. The clan is just arriving on site when they rescue the pair from the crash (being already settled there is too convenient). Nana can point out that Romy found the clan because she was ready, and because she needs the clan's protection. Her ignorance could get her killed.

The romance could still be infused throughout, pretty much as is, it just wouldn't be the focus of the story. Also, I think much of the Chick Lit aspect could be taken out (for example, the time in the bar and a fair bit of the conversation analysis). I think there's plenty going on with this story already. May just be me but, in this case, I think the chick lit drama is taking away from the plot rather than adding to it. .

Pacing/Conflict:
- As a romance, the pacing is slow. As a mystery, the pacing is perfect.
- Conflict in this story is great. There are many levels to it - there is an overall story conflict, plus each character has his/her own internal and external struggles.

Voice/Writing Style:
- Third person, past tense works well
- Writing style when in Romy's POV is fun and easy to read. Mood and tone changes when in Storyteller's POV. I liked that not only the characterization, but also the voice changed between the two.
- I had no problem reading everything posted in one sitting.
- I liked the cheekiness to the voice
- I would have liked more of a balance between narrative vs action vs dialogue. Specifically, I think the piece would be stronger with less narrative (i.e. the chick lit analyzing parts).

Setting:
- Setting is appropriate to the story. Descriptions are unobtrusive yet effective.

Character/Dialogue:
- Characters are intriguing and very well done. All came across as believable.
- Romy is the perfect choice for POV character
- There are so many characters to keep track of, perhaps too many, so, while I liked Sam and Jess, I'm not sure they need to be as well drawn out as the other characters. Perhaps they could get the same treatment as Dean - there only to pass on information?
- I loved your portrayal of Romy's mother. I think she could be even more fabulous if you made her even more over the top.
- backstory is well done throughout. It came through organically and in small chunks. I never once felt like you were dumping it on me.
- Dialogue was well done. The words spoken felt natural and appropriate to each speaker. Many characters had unique speech patterns.

Spelling/Grammar:
I don't like to comment on this until the story is in final draft, so I don't usually make note of it as I go through. The only thing that stuck out was that the longer sentences could benefit from some more commas. For example, in the last sentence of the long pitch, a comma is needed between Otherkind and Romy. Without the coma, the text suggests that there are two Romy's - a regular Romy and an Otherkind Romy.

Overall, I think this concept is a winner and I hope there is something helpful to you somewhere in my ramblings.

Marcie

Lcamp wrote 794 days ago

Awsome book cover! Just the book cover made me want to read it. On my watchlist.

Kayla H wrote 801 days ago

This is one of those books where the more I read, the more I like it. Really, really great.
In chapter nine: Love the paragraphs describing her feeling of manic energy—very funny. Especially the cat being exhausted from watching her work.
“She smiled and blew an errand black curl” shouldn’t that be “errant black curl”?
Also: “She’d been too caught up in her righteous indignation for Sam to hear the key in the lock at all.” Isn’t it Romy who failed to hear the key, not Sam?
Also I loved the idea of her hiding behind the counter but her bright pink gloves still being visible. I could so picture that.
This is a great chapter. You do have a talent for cliff-hanger chapter endings :)
Chapter ten is very nice. The scene with Adam and Romy trying to outdrive the charging bulls is great (I worked on a dairy farm for several years and I love cows, but I know from experience that if a bunch of them get running, getting in front of them is not the safest place to be. And, by the way, just because it has horns doesn’t mean it’s a bull; in most horned breeds both the males and females are horned; not that Romy would probably know this, and it sounds more dramatic to say charging bulls than charging cattle.)
“connected with it’s nose” should I think be “connected with its nose.”
“pushed into the whole in the back of her jumper” shouldn’t that be “into the hole” not “whole”?
“Were you bitten?” No, no, no. Cows are not horses; they don’t bite. Ever. Cows, like goats, only have teeth on their lower jaws in the front, not lower and upper—this is not conducive to biting. They do have molars on the top and bottom, but they are way back in their mouths. They can’t even bite through the grass they eat very well; they use their tongues to gather grass into their mouths and then kind of pull with their mouths to break the stems and then they use their molars to chew and chew and chew and then swallow and eventually regurgitate and chew and chew…There is no way it could tear Adam’s jacket with its mouth. Uh-uh, not buying it :)
OK, I’m off the cow rant now LOL.
“her irish accent” should probably have “irish” capitalized.
I quite liked the revelation about Romy being able to feel other’s emotions. That explained a lot!
Chapter ten:
“she headed for it’s silence” should probably be “she headed for its silence”
The interaction between Romy and Lucas was great.
This is an awesome story. I definitely want to know how this ends.

J. Owen wrote 803 days ago

Maria,

I read through to the first few paragraphs of chapter 8. The prologue is awesome, truly awesome, just the right level of hook. Very chilling. I flashed through it and was left—open-mouthed—wanting to know more. You have a great premise and promising plot. I like the developing ‘thing’ between Adam and Romy (‘No point, your seatbelt’s on’- LOL). I love not knowing why Adam is being such an arse; although I think I may be working it out - but still not sure. I’m guessing there’s a twist later... The writing is smooth, flowing, and easy to read. It’s done well, and dialogue rich; which I’m very envious of. The MS keeps a steady pace, the intrigue stayed with me and kept me moving through; like when Romy’s mother came out of the victim’s house and we don’t find out why until the next chapter. Great.

Things I would note: Chapter size. They may be a little long (42K words vs. 13 chapters), would there be any way to split them up a little more? Mine are all roughly 1.5K or less, and I still get the odd person saying they could be shorter – an Authonomy thing, I think, it wouldn’t apply in print. From my experience it does make an MS easier to read and review. I noticed a few very minor typos, but I didn’t record them (let me know if you want me to pick ‘em out and pop ‘em in a msg). And - is there any chance of another ‘storyteller’ segment somewhere in these first 8 chapters? As a reader I wanted to hear more from the chilling dark bar-steward who’s wearing a human skin and snorting out blue smoke (reminds me of primary school for some reason). Maybe a couple of hundred words of ‘him’ every now and then, before something big happens, would build on the existing suspense - perhaps at the bottom of a chapter or two...

Overall; very impressive MS, max stars (WL’d already), and noted for future backing.

Best wishes for the ED,
White Cat man.

L_MC wrote 805 days ago

A RCG review

1) Pitch: I'm not sure about the SP, it does tell me there is a supernatural, fantasy element to the story and that there is danger for Romy but I didn't feel grabbed by it. I'm a bit on the fence about it.
The LP is strong (although the 'how the bloomin' heck' felt out of place). It reflects all the elements of the story, introduces the main characters and gives strong hooks without revealing too much of the story. It drew me in.

2) Plot: the more I read, the more I'm loving all the elements you've woven into this. My notes under style also feed into this criteria.

3) Pacing: works well. From the romance POV the tension is there and the possibility of a relationship are clear, defined and building. The thriller elements add a new level of tension and danger and opportunities to bring the pair closer.

4) Spelling/Grammar: There were a few times when there was double punctuation, for example a comma and a full stop together and two full stops, there were also some ellipses with two rather than the usual three dots.

5) Dialogue: felt natural (although sometimes I got distracted from the conversation by the detail of Romy's thoughts). The banter between the three friends was well written and effective. The conversations are developing in depth between Adam and Romy, reflecting the growth of their relationship but retaining an air of will they won't they in the earlier stages.

6) Voice/Style: this story feels very unique. It makes me think of a mixture between Mean Season, a Hitchcock thriller and all mixed up with a bit of chick-lit. Yet, you've gelled the different elements together very effectively, there is the tension and horror of the killings and the desires of the Otherkind, with the struggling young women trying to break into a career and dealing with the legacy of a cold mother, a man who is making her experience new feelings and the natural and easy friendship between three close friends. You know that the gypsy father's disappearance is going to be a part of the Otherkind plotline and that Romy's heritage will be of importance.

This is so different from anything else I've read. It needs some tightening in places (partly why we're all here) but I really enjoyed it and would read on.

A few other points I noted (I've read 10 chapters - by the Auth count - so far):
I didn't understand the reference in chapter four (by the Authonomy count), 'You should be on the stag,' as I didn't know the significance of the stag or what it was.

I liked the way Romy looked at herself checking she wasn't a gooseberry. A unique way to introduce that concept.

Given that she's just left university, I'm assuming Romy is around 21 and as she grew up as a child reading Harry Potter so she's not from the generation familiar with Cyndi Lauper so her thinking of Time after Time didn't seem to sit in the right era.

I'll be backing this in due course and will finish the last few chapters.

Heather McLoud wrote 806 days ago

This is riveting stuff. I love this type of story and your writing is carrying it off appropriately. I like your writing—your dialogue is good and I like your short, punchy paragraphs. The way you introduce Adam makes him fascinating.

The only criticism I have is that some of the language in the prologue seemed a bit clumsy. Here are some examples:

“He cursed in the language of his kind grimacing instantly at how ridiculous it sounded through the mouth he was using.” At the very least there should be a comma after kind. The word instantly is unnecessary and possibly inappropriate. “…the mouth he was using,” is clumsy. What’s wrong with, “His borrowed mouth…”

“The stories requested by so many customers would keep him powered for weeks.” Also doesn’t ring right. I believe the sentence would be better focused by writing something along the lines of, “The number of requested stories would…”

“Decrepit in imagination…” Maybe derelict imagination? Decrepit indicates we had a great one at one point and now it has deteriorated?

“He reached out a searing heat…ondulate.” I don’t think the verb “reach” makes a lot of sense with a searing heat. The word is spelled undulate.

So the prologue was fascinating but with some rough edges (easily fixed). The first chapter was very promising and definitely made me want to continue reading.

Heather McLoud
Sage Courage

D. S. Hale wrote 806 days ago

This is a different and interesting story. I haven't read one like it on Authonomy. And that says something, because many stories about the same subject can be found here. Good job at finding something creative and different. I liked the opening chapters, and getting the feel of what is happening. I liked the way you described how the creature was in a foreign body that he didn't like, but needed for his purposes. I didn't find anything grammatical or in spelling that needed attention. Good job and good luck on Authonomy!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Kayla H wrote 806 days ago

Uh-oh—I just realized I’m nearing the end of the number of chapters you’ve posted. It’s going to break off at a cliffhanger moment, isn’t it? lol
Anyway, I read chapter eight: watching. Very nice.
At the very beginning of chapter eight, should Romy perhaps notice Adam is gone and then ask where he is instead of asking where he is and then noticing that he’s gone? It seems it might feel a little more natural that way.
“went back to her desk looking up from her computer” should probably have a comma after “desk”.
“Catching up with her own work it seemed” should probably have a comma after “work”
I loved the imagery of “an apology stuck in her throat with nowhere to go.”
This is a really great chapter; it keeps the plot moving but gives some real insight into the characters.

marfleet wrote 807 days ago

A gripping chapter that leads the reader in well, suggesting something to come and provides, in its closing the lines the impetus to the rest of the book. Some grammar issues slowed me a bit but a great start. Chap 2 lost me a bit in until the death and animal are mentioned toward the end. Until then it seemed a bit directionless for a while so maybe some tightening here as I was thinking if Chap 3 doesn’t kick of well I would stop. Luckily I like tits :-) and then it has the attack scene.
From then on the pace quickens and you have a very gripping yarn. Overall no real problems but I would revisit the flow of the first few chapters to try and tighten them up as I felt tempted to skim read a bit – not a good sign, although reading on a screen is tiring for me at the best of times and distorts impressions a lot.
Some technical notes - not that I pretend to be an editor so feel free to disregard.

Chap1
- “Rolling back the eyes (of the body) he commanded until their eyes reflected the screen(,) he reached out a searing heat of the kind that distorts the air around and makes objects seemingly waver and (undulate).” . I had to read this sentence again to get it and the addition of “of the body” in particular may help the smoothness.
- (He passed) into the screen …..
- He could exist off (of ) those….

Chap2
- (Eyes – ) two chocolate-brown lasers…. Addition of subject may help smoothness, again had to pause and think.


All the best with it - high stars and will revisit later.
Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

Kayla H wrote 809 days ago

This is very nice. I definitely like your reordered version.
The prologue is great; you clarify things and really end in a good place, making me want to read on.
There are a few new typos in the prologue, nothing major:
You have “The end result was still be more than she bargained.” Probably should be “The end result would still be more than she bargained for.”
“The people he interacted with frequently had all listed by the customer.” Should be “The people he interacted with frequently had all been listed by the customer.”
You also have: “Some animals he werer also easy to mutate” I’m not sure what that’s supposed to be. “Some animals were also easy to mutate” maybe?
I like how you get right into Romy’s viewpoint after the prologue; I still think she’s an awesome character.
I jumped ahead to where I had left off at: chapter six. This chapter really increases the suspense and the interaction between Romy and Adam feels really organic and natural.
I love this line: “I should’ve realized you were lulling him into a false sense of security.” I really like how you work humor into the story.
It’s hard to tell but I think you have an extra space between “Hotspots” and “article.”
“Well it didn’t” needs a comma after “Well”
I think “For your information Adam Taylor I” should be “For your information, Adam Taylor, I”
“looks like you’ve got” is the start of a new sentence so “Looks” should probably be capitalized.
“Romy took large sips of it feeling incredibly thirsty” should have a comma after “it”
You’ve also got an extra period after “Glad you let me join in”
The next chapter is really good, too.
“Despite how tired she’d been sleep had eluded her” needs a comma after “been”
“He was chewing on a pen reading through some types up papers” feels like it’s missing something. Maybe “chewing on a pen and reading”?
You really keep up the suspense and I’m looking forward to reading more.

Kayla H wrote 812 days ago

The book really seems to be picking up momentum.
I liked the interaction between Romy and her mother, especially how you describe their conversation as puppet-like. It was a really good, strong visual.
One little typo in chapter three:
“Romy couldn’t spot Adam as she walked passed them to the door.” Should be “past” not “passed.”
Also, I noticed you started using double question marks “??” I don’t think you really need them. Your writing is strong enough that I got the sense of surprise without having to rely on the punctuation to tell me. My feeling is using one gets the same point across and looks a little more professional. Just a thought.
I also really did like how they found out Ernest was dead and then read the story he commissioned. So, ignore my earlier comment about the plot form. I think you were right about reorganizing it.
Small typo in chapter four:
“and you’re investment return” should be “and your investment return”
Also: “His bringing his sister” should be “He’s bringing his sister”
And I love how chapter four ends. I’m looking forward to reading more.

Kayla H wrote 817 days ago

I just read your first chapter, where Romy and Adam are meeting. I felt a tiny bit dropped into the middle of this scene—trying to figure out what’s going on and who these characters are. Maybe you could set the scene just a little bit more, starting when they’re being introduced instead of jumping right to their reaction to being introduced…I don’t know though, maybe it’s a good thing that you jump right into the action.
I did notice a couple of typos:
You have “Now me, on the other hand” when you should have “Now, me, on the other hand”
You have “Either he knew her which was hardly likely as even she” when you should have “Either he knew her, which was hardly likely, as even she”
“Asked you first.” He said.—Should be “Asked you first,” he said.
“I wasn’t aware that I’d been smiling.” She lied—should be “I wasn’t aware that I’d been smiling,” she lied.
“Hadn’t realized I’d been staring.” He said.—should be “Hadn’t realized I’d been staring,” he said.
“You should be on the stage.” She said—should be “You should be on the stage,” she said.
You have “If you need any more info Romy” should be “If you need any more info, Romy”
These are really minor points, though. I really like Romy—she’s a great character, original and with attitude.
I also liked how the chapter ended with a bit of a cliff-hanger; it made me want to keep reading. Wish I had the time!
Best of luck.

Kayla H wrote 821 days ago

You’re premise is fascinating. As soon as I read it I thought ‘this is going to be a cool story.’ Your pitch really makes me want to read on and find out the answers to the questions you lay out. It does contain a few little typos though:
“newspaper’s” not “newspapers”—should be possessive
Should be “there are people dying” not “there is” or “there’s”. “There are” sounds really formal though so maybe change it to “People are dying all over the place!”
And in this sentence “Supernatural beings capable of mankind’s extinction” I think you need a verb—maybe “capable of causing mankind’s extinction.”
I think the last paragraph of the pitch is awesome—perfect way of ending it.

The prologue is a tiny bit confusing, but maybe that’s a good thing because it makes me want to read on and figure out what’s happening.
I liked how the creature’s thoughts were in italics and set apart in their own paragraphs and they had just the right amount of attitude.
There were only three spots that made me go back and reread trying to find out what you meant exactly, while the rest of it made me want to keep reading, keep reading.
The first is the fourth paragraph—this part “instantly grating at how ridiculous is sounded.” Grating? I couldn’t tell if that’s something these beings do when they are disturbed or just an odd word choice. If it’s the former I would add a little more detail on how someone can grate. And if it’s the later I would change it to something a little more common: “instantly cringing” maybe? Or is that a little too cliché?
And then the two paragraphs just before the last paragraph. You’re giving us a lot of information that’s only half explained or explained in very general terms. “The animal knowledge” what does that mean? And what is being duplicated or mutated—and how or why? And what does it take out of him? “These organic vessels couldn’t retain newly read information for very long when it had never been there to begin with”? Before we get to this point you’ve withheld just enough information to tantalize, but here there’s way too much to sort out. Some of the hints work though—the serial killer thing makes me curious.
Since I haven’t read the whole book, I don’t know how much the reader needs to know at this point. I would either cut these paragraphs, transplant the information or questions to another point in the book, or simplify it. Just my opinion though.
You have a very smooth, clear writing style, but the very last sentence “Pen in hand he brought the left hand up to the paper to write its ugly squiggles” jars a little. I like how the narrator thinks of the writing as “ugly squiggles.” But unless it’s important that he’s using his left hand to write with do you have to use hand twice in the same sentence?
A final note on the prologue I love the fact that you never come out and state that this being looks with disgust on humanity, thinks he (or she?) is superior to them, but the attitude is just there in everything he thinks.

The Greg section is very nicely done. You seem to have a talent for switching viewpoints, making each narrator’s voice very distinct. I hope you wanted the reader to dislike this character because it is very easy to. He comes across as quite the arrogant jerk. Make’s it no surprise that someone would want the storyteller to kill him.

One more small point: This is kind of odd, but your single quotation mark is going the wrong way about half of the time: “can‘t” “couldn‘t” “mind‘s” etc.

Anyway, I definitely think this is publish-worthy and can’t wait to read the rest.

richard thurston wrote 822 days ago

Entertaining with a hint of the macabre.I was impressed by the your efforts to juxtapose the two but a little disappointed with the hollywood style crows. Perhaps this is too obvious and could be played down a little? Of course I only read c1 and 2 and am probably way off the mark and we are in a world of instant gratification with a desire to to grab our readership. Impressive stuff overall and just daft enough to be true.

Ciao

Richard

Richard

Wussyboy wrote 823 days ago

Okay, I think you now got two short pitches instead of one.

My suggestion is, ditch the first one.

Short Pitch:

Has someone pissed you off? Don't get mad, get even. Order online for a customised revenge story and watch them suffer in print.

Long Pitch:

Who on earth is the StoryTeller? And how is he making his online revenge stories come true? Local reporter Romy Tanner is determined to find out. Aided by Adam, the newspaper's.......the very sexy Lucas.

Romy is fast learning that the StoryTeller is part of Otherkind, and that she must find this elusive being soon. Because the story he's now writing is hers.

(any better? x

Wussyboy wrote 823 days ago

Brrrr....this is creepy! I sat down to read just one chapter, thought 'That's all I have time for right now", but then got sucked into reading three. The brilliant opening, in which we are introduced to the mysterious shape-shifting Storyteller, instantly engages, and chap one ends with bad-boy gigolo Greg being attacked by flesh-tearing crows in his car. Wow, Hitchcock, look out! Romy, the cool, unflappable and ultra-cool journo, then goes ultra-hot at Adam when she picks up his feelings of rage, and says "What's going on here?" Yes, that is the question that a lot of people will soon be asking - the Storyteller is writing bad luck stories for people with a grudge, so that they can see their victims suffer. But why? And who's next?

This mad mystery, which veers niftly between humour and gore, is a masterpiece in show don't tell. The clues are all there, you just have to be patient enough to find them...

Six golden stars, and on my list for shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(one tiny nit: I had to read the opening a few times to understand who was speaking, and why the handshake was not returned. Clarify?)

HarryLang wrote 824 days ago

Fantasy is not normally my bag and despite intrigue around the short pitch the long pitch didn't make me feel like I was going to b converted. However the visualisations are very imaginative, and despite some grammatical edits needed (extra space after 'that 's' on page 1 set off alarm bells for attention to detail) it reads professionally.
Like I said, not really my bag, and chapter two had me a little lost as the story disjointed a little but I imagine it's one of those ones you need to persist with and it'll pay dividends. Not backed, but WL's and supported with stars.
Good stuff.
Harry
Parabolic

HarryLang wrote 824 days ago

Fantasy is not normally my bag and despite intrigue around the short pitch the long pitch didn't make me feel like I was going to b converted. However the visualisations are very imaginative, and despite some grammatical edits needed (extra space after 'that 's' on page 1 set off alarm bells for attention to detail) it reads professionally.
Like I said, not really my bag, and chapter two had me a little lost as the story disjointed a little but I imagine it's one of those ones you need to persist with and it'll pay dividends. Not backed, but WL's and supported with stars.

MrKarats wrote 825 days ago

M. Romerro Nunn,

Hi, I happened on your little offering while scouring around the site for some fantasy and your cover and pitch caught my eye. I read to the middle of the third chapter -I stopped at the point where she felt his feelings...

Good writing, intriguing premise, characters with good chemistry and realistic dialogue.

Humor interchangeable with grim atmosphere, fate and intent. Great work.

6 stars. Possible shelf next month, as I rotate my favorites on here slowly. Thanks for posting this for us andI hope you'll find the encouragement to promote it out there. Work towards that end...

Good luck with it!

Yannis

P.S. In case you wish to return the read, please go for my second upload if you think you're interested. Judging from what you like to write, you'd probably like my first one, which is currently #2 on the ED, but I'm trying to draw attention to my second one. It's dark,epic fantasy set in a secondary world. May not be your kind of read, I'll totally understand if so, and don't feel obliged to return the read if you don't want to. I enjoyed what I read and will definitely come back for more.

court_ftw wrote 825 days ago

OTHERKIND

Well, if you want different, this is the book. Right off the bat it's interesting and you can't help but keep reading. Every chapter I find my self, along with the main character, trying to uncover this 'storyteller'. Even when Romy's not looking for the storyteller, I'm still reading because her and Adam, well I wanna see what goes down!
Every character is intriguing even the secondary ones. The humour, I actually laugh out loud.

Keep up the good work!!

Wussyboy wrote 825 days ago

Hi Maria, just dropped in to give you that read. But before I do, could I tackle your pitch - it's your window to recognition on this site.

Short pitch is great, but I don't think you need BOLD lettering?

Long pitch: Starts out fab, then gets confusing. How about (second line on): "The Storyteller is offering a 'Don't Get Mad, Get Even' revenge-story writing service - you can take down anyone you dislike with it."

And I don't think you need 'Yet' in the second-but-last line. 'Romy's most troublesome problem?' is enough.

Last, consider your last line. Might read better as: "...because the story he's now writing is HER OWN."

Just suggests, feel free to ignore...

Joe xx

court_ftw wrote 826 days ago

Um....have you thought of going to a agent/publisher with this? Like, I really like this story, honestly. Romy and Adam are super awesome together. I donne, I just...really like this story. The characters are very REAL.

But the only problem...I have a hard time....
reading on a computer screen!!! Haha, bet I got your heart going lol.

AuroraNemesis wrote 826 days ago

A sweet and delightful story, with an almost a dream like quality.
You have a great grasp at storytelling, and use a varied vocabulary. You use every word and phrase effectively.
You set your scenes well and have well rounded and strong characters.
Original and fresh, a very good read, which I would recommend to others.

court_ftw wrote 827 days ago

Well, I like it! I give it my stamp of approval. I found it funny, it's different and right away (in the first few paragraphs) you know somethings up. Romy is a a very solid main character, someone that you can follow easily.

For Greg's part, you don't have to change the font to show the reader whose narrating. The font itself was a little hard to read, took me away from the story. You can still have a different font for Greg's part, just maybe not that one? lol. Comic sense is nice :P

I give it 6 stars for being different and having a strong main character :)

court_ftw wrote 827 days ago

Quick question...Is chapter 3 suppose to be the same as one?

KirkH wrote 827 days ago

HI Maria,
just wanted to give my two cents on your story: Otherkind.
The pitch and synopsis are interesting, but I found the prologue and chapter one confusing, because I couldn't find any connections with what you wrote to what the synopsis says. I was wondering why the section entitled "Greg" had a different font style - it was hard for me to read it. I didn't think it was necessary. In chapter one, Romy is new at the paper (I'm assuming it's a newspaper office) and has to work with Adam and the rest of the staff. I got a little lost in the differing conversations with the rest of the folks, like Barry, Tom,Sarah, etc. The British humor (or Humour) was difficult and I didn't understand some of the witty sub-language you were using. It confused me, and I'm wondering if it will confuse other readers who are not British.
I hopr this helped. You're still a good writer, but I just thought it needed some clarity in some parts.
All the best
Kirk

Warrick Mayes wrote 828 days ago

Hi,

Read and enjoyed the first chapter.
Your narrative flows beautifully and you are a great story-teller, a very clever way of introducing another story! Dialogues are believable and add a touch of humour.
You are right with bookkeepers, no hyphen necessary, but agree with Derek about "tits" rather than "boobies".

I spotted that you used "break" rather than "brake" in "Greg slammed on the break and felt something snap near the pedal"

Best regards
Warrick

DerekTobin wrote 828 days ago

Hi Maria
I enjoyed this prologue and then first chapter. You have a nice voice and it flows well. Dialogue is believable and not clunky. The opening paras are fine but if you could get some hint of the hook in sooner - i.e. the paranormal stuff I think it would be stronger since many would say an agent will often only read a page or even a paragraph. I know this wont be easy since you are creating normality first ( and doing a good job of it ) but something to think about.
A few more thoughts
"bookkeepers" felt the double k meant it needed a hyphen "book-keepers"
Wasnt sure re "boobies" It didnt scan right for Greg's womaniser character and felt too juvenile - ? just "tits" would fit him better.
I wouldnt end chapters on an ellipsis - just a full stop is as powerful as we know there is more to come anyway.

Chapter 2 you did a nice job of generating conflict and tension between Adam and Romy to allow them to then begin to bond later. The driving sequence - when Romy opened her car door at the end - there was no hint that they'd stopped or arrived - ( unless I just missed it) - I always aim to tie things like that up to keep the reader fully aware of action amidst dialogue.
Good job Marie - I'm sure you will do well with this - think there's a big market for this genre. Starred and on my watchlist for more.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Sherryberry17 wrote 829 days ago

Love the cover!

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