Book Jacket

 

rank 2234
word count 90509
date submitted 20.01.2012
date updated 15.08.2012
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adu...
classification: universal
complete

Páistí Avalon

Brian Ault

An urban fantasy that centers around two questions: What would you do if your world changed tomorrow? How would you adapt to the new reality?

 

After suffering through the death of his father, aspiring journalist Alan is visited by a beautiful red-haired woman dressed in armor. She provides the young man with a dream job writing for The Guardian newspaper in London. But his dream job comes with a secret underneath its world famous acclaim. A secret that will test his spirit and change him as well as the world forever.

 
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CHAPTER THREE

 

Four hours had passed since the Chelsea section of London was shaken by a loud blast reminiscent of the endless sea of munitions that fell during the Blitz. A cloud of pale white smoke rose up amongst the buildings and shops that were damaged in the blast. The crowd started to disperse as emergency crews arrived on the scene, navigating through the fire and choking stench. Their attention was redirected by the sounds of movement from the crater, followed by a man emerging from inside it. Unbeknownst to the mesmerized people, it was not a man but the demi-god Lugh. He was dressed in a gold suit of armor with a symbol of a triskele on the chest plate. His white toga shined in the glare of the gas lamps along with his sword that had a handle cut from a Tromm tree. The first sight Lugh had through the smoke was the eyes of two thousand scared humans and the whir of four TV cameras staring back at him. It was the first time he had seen Earth in millennia, and the changes to it were readily evident.

There were metal carriages of different shapes and sizes that glided smoothly along the streets without animals to pull them. There were concrete buildings and towers that rose like flowers out of the ground. Lugh looked out in fascination at the crowd who viewed him with the same reverence as the All-Father. They wore clothes made of fabrics and patterns a hundred times more elaborate than anything he’d ever seen in his human life. They spoke into portable communication devices using a different tongue he had never heard. Lugh was confused by the sight of an institution nearby called The Pie Man. Who was this man made of pastry? Maybe he was the owner or some arcane legend they named it after.

As Lugh descended to a plot of road a comfortable distance away from the crater, the crowd followed behind to see the mystery man. The scene was reminiscent of seeing peasants as a child clearing a path and bowing to a visiting monarch. It was both comical and at the same moment a little frightening. Part of him expected them to attack. Instead, a roar of cheers erupted from the small crowd with some of those closest trying to hug him. Others in the back of the crowd spouted criticisms, blaming him for many of the world’s ills such as genocide and global warming. The reactions hardly held much relevance as he smiled and nodded politely to those he interacted with and walked away.

Lugh caught sight of a row of large carriages with the letters “BBC News,” “iTV,” and “Sky News” painted on its side lined up in a row across the street. Out of the carriage doors were a group of people in suits carrying plastic sticks and mechanical boxes with strings behind them, one of which was pointed near his direction. Who are these people, he thought. Maybe they are an information gathering team. At that point, a real fear came over him. He contemplated how to avoid the glare of these people back into comfortable silence. Some of the ideas he had could work while others he believed would bring more unneeded attention than he desired.

Lugh probably could have achieved a suitable plan with more time, but the man holding the mechanical box pointed at him saw Lugh across the street making time a useless luxury. As the team of information gatherers moved along the road towards him, he had a little over a minute to come up with a plan before his true image was captured. There was only one idea that came to mind which could effectively do the trick. Lugh closed his eyes and...

[BOOM!]

The outside of The Pie Man shook and rattled with steadily increasing intensity. The crowd’s attention and the attention of the cameramen moved immediately to investigate what was going on. A few moments later a large explosion engulfed the complex, sending both groups scattering in all directions away from the fireball. Lugh walked away amidst the chaos, safe in the knowledge that his true identity would remain a secret.

He ambled down Cale St. for a few minutes observing more of the beautiful London night and the sight of more Fire Lorries moving toward the scene. There were some things in life that had not changed since his ascent to Avalon, he thought. The stars in the sky still twinkled with the pristine beauty of a diamond. The air was still fresh and invigorating, even if it had the aroma of coal to it. And the people here still could go from adoring to fearful in mere seconds. 

It was amazing after the scene earlier how little attention was paid to Lugh further along the city as he walked down the street taking in the sights. He pondered whether or not he could achieve the master plan using his natural form. But he knew it was all too likely and feasible that a clever human would put the necessary pieces and find out his true identity. He needed to conjure a disguise before that scenario would come to play.

“Oi! Royal Shakes is that way, mate!”

Lugh observed the average looking man mocking him wearing a fedora with a brewing sense of rage. He thought of the different ways that he could teach this insolent human an appropriate dispensation of manners, but he didn't feel like wasting his talents on such a foolish looking speck. Besides, he thought, this human's everyman shape could prove to be useful right now...

He closed his eyes and slowly became lost in a cloud of fog in front of the stranger’s eyes. The bones of his body cracked and rearranged themselves along with his physique into an entirely new shape. The features on his face took on a Play-Doh like form. The clothes he wore changed to take on a modern complexion.

The hatted man was caught in a haze of amazement and fear as Lugh’s metamorphosis was complete. “Bloody...fucking...Hell!! I’m outta here!”

The Fedora man sprinted down the sidewalk in a panic, inadvertently knocking over a middle-aged married couple out on a walk. Lugh’s new body had the same height and the same kind of clothes and physique as the man in the Fedora. The only thing different was Lugh’s emerald eyes and dark hair that retained their original colors. Instead of his flowing locks, his hair was also cut in a style shorter to match the styling of human men of twenty years old.

Lugh stumbled on for three blocks to find any type of reflection by which to view his new face. The closest thing he found were panes of broken glass on the ground that had no reflection. He continued on his search, asking passersby for a mirror and looking for any building that may have one inside. The search provided Lugh a way to test his new Welsh vocal chords. He spotted a nearby Italian restaurant that could provide the mirror he sought.

The customers cried in horror the moment Lugh stumbled through the glass doors into the dining area. Some fled without a moment’s contemplation, leaving their unfinished meals sitting on their tables. Those who remained murmured to themselves who this person was and tried to call 999. The manager rushed from his office to see what was going on. He saw Lugh seconds before crumpling down to his knees. In an entirely human response, the manager rushed to Lugh’s aid.

“Are you alright, sir?” The manager asked him with one knee down next to Lugh on the hardwood floor.

“Mirror,” Lugh said to the manager, his voice hoarse, barely audible. “Where is a mirror?”

The manager was confused and did his best to answer. “The bathroom’s down the hall. There should be a mirror in there.”

Lugh burst through the bathroom door a short time later, startling the guy leaving. He looked around the tiled area for a few moments in search of the mirror, trying to keep himself upright. The others inside the bathroom did their best to stay out of the way of who they thought was a crazy person. Lugh caught sight of his new appearance in the mirror above the sink.

He stared at the image for a full minute. Every little nook and cranny of his new human body intrigued him in the same way someone admires a painting by Picasso or Van Gogh.

“Sweet Dagda,” he chuckled as he moved his hand all over his face. “What fun I can have with you!”

He smiled and walked proudly from the bathroom. As Lugh moved past the bar, the front page headline from the day’s edition of The Independent caught his eye. There was a photo on it of the current Prime Minister from a past G20 Summit, which did not put him in the best light. Underneath the 8x10" photo in bold type somewhat larger than the photo was the headline: “Prime Minister’s Corruption Woes Hound Downing Street.”

A smile crossed over Lugh’s face as he viewed the photograph. “I will notify my associate of his new puppet. He shall be most pleased.”

 

Chapters

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mightyscoo wrote 315 days ago

Hi Brian,

You've gotten a lot of good reviews here which makes me think my reactions to your first were not typical.
For me, the chapter started out very slowly and the first nine paragraphs of information could be discarded. You could better start the book in the cabin of the plane, closer to the real action. Also, the story of Lugh felt long and laborious to me. There was a lot of telling and not much showing. I would have preferred a much more compact telling of the story. There is not a lot to care about when most of your text is a story within a story.

I'd like to see more conflict in this first chapter. It ends in a compelling way with the plane in trouble, but there is no real emotional content for me before that.

I would give some specific examples of the' telling, not showing' if I could use cut and paste on this site. Again, none of this seems to faze anyone else commenting here, so tak it with a grain of salt.

Neville wrote 341 days ago

Páistí Avalon.
By Brian Ault.


I like the way that the story of Lugh is told by William to his young son Alan to while away the time on their flight home—a story within a story!
The story of Lugh opens with a battle against the formidable Balor whose marauding army seem intent on conquering all before them with very little resistance.
The task set before Lugh is a gigantic one…to beat Barlor in hand to hand combat together.
You describe the fighting in great detail as the battle commences, the one eyed Balor making all the headway as the fight progresses.
Lugh is inevitably defeated and tossed into the forest a couple of miles away…good fantasy here!
I loved the way that the ‘glowing ball of light’ appeared as Flidais made herself known, and the calling out of Lugh’s name…’In an operatic tone that vibrated gently amongst the trees’.
Nice poetic writing and a very colorful scene as she makes her arrival.
The introduction of the Tromm tree with its magical powers of healing the damage to Lugh—a risk to take as he takes the bark in his hand…a risk worth taking—It works…good for him!
A fantastic story only just touched upon but it’s spellbindingly good and will go down with the y/a reader’s who will lap it up. I will be back to it—that’s for sure!
No hesitation in giving six stars and on my list for shelving!
Well done, Brian!

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

junetee wrote 361 days ago

Paisti Avalon.

Hi Brian, sorry its taken so long for me to read your book on our swap read, but here I am.
Firstly, I love your pitch, its intriguing to say the least.
The story is fresh and new,and its written well. Its easy to read for the YA, and beautifully descriptive in places.
It has a good pace, the dialogue works and the characters are built up nicely. I think you've done a great job with the father and son.
I'm an REM fan, though I do hope 'Shiny happy people' is not the song they are going to be remembered for - its not one of their best. But I suppose you have to use the song for the year.
I notice we have a few things in common with our books, Avalon is in my book nearer the end, and dreams play a big part in it.
The second book of FOUR CORNERS is all about the legends and mythology of Glastonbury and Avalon, (and King Arthur.)

You have some grammar mistakes just like we all have, and I've jotted some down along with a few opinions of my own.. Take them or leave them as you please. I'm no expert.
The first chapter
'buckling himself into his seat' This was written two times close together. Maybe if you used 'fatened his seat belt' once.
'All there was (to read) were months of old copies of in-flight magazines.'
god -God
I'm not sure I'm keen on the CANG CLANG. It doesn't seem to go with the text. Maybe if it was put somewhere else, like after 'hundreds of miles'
'He began to contemplate where he might rest...' H e cant hear rustling from the distance - or can he? Has he got a gift? And the sentance seems clumsy and too long. If you finish it at 'Dis Pater' it might sound clearer
'Her long white dress gleamed...' This sentance needs a lot of work on it. And it needs commas in the right places.
At the end I wasn't sure about the BEEP BEEP . It didn't seem to work for me or go with the text. Reminded me of a small child playing with a toy. I'm sure you'll get lots of differences of opinions.
Needs shorter chapters for YA book.

These might sound a lot but they aren't. Youve done a great job here. Youve got some fantastic origional descriptions, some of which need a little polishing, but they'll be worth the effort. I've had to do a lot more to my book and I'm still editing after a year. I give your book high stars for a well written enjoyable read.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

scargirl wrote 362 days ago

better short pitch, but it is actually two questions not one...;)
j
wewsk

BNLauritzen wrote 383 days ago

I like this, this is really good work.
I'm not the most experienced critic or commenter yet, but I'll give it a go.
I've read the first chapter and like how it's framed with the father and Alan. That works wonderfully well. I enjoy the Celtic spin on it and hope that continues through the rest of the book. I am planning to read on when I have the time. The first chapter ends with a nice cliff-hanger. "The plane went silent for a few seconds before...BEEP BEEP!" Very good.
As kshaw wrote, the "old patriarch" kind of seems out of place I must admit. It threw me off slightly. But the story stands well and is decently paced, so good job.

-Lauritzen

kshaw wrote 385 days ago

Hi Brian,
I'm really happy I decided to back this book. I read the first chapter and I enjoyed it a lot. I love Celtic mythology and I love authors who incorporate it into their stories. I really like how you open the novel and the story you tell about Lugh. I've noticed a resurgence of interest in Celtic mythology and particularly with the story of Lugh which I find wonderful because he is one of my favorite mythological characters. You have a great voice for YA fiction and the pacing is just right.
My notes: (remember these are only my opinions and you are free to ignore them :) )

The chapter is really long, which is a problem for YA fiction. You may consider breaking it up into another chapter or just adding some page breaks *** to help young readers out.

Watch for archaic language such as "old patriarch" and "contented offspring". I'm all for teaching young adults new words, but I found these phrases a bit out of place.

Lugh2 bothered me :) maybe you could try the second Lugh, Lugh the second or Lugh two seeing that using numbers outside of addresses, time, etc. is a faux pas.

There are some slight grammatical errors, but I wouldn't worry about that too much. It seems like most of them are out of there and the story is really strong.

I really liked what I have read so far and I am happy that I have backed the book. You are highly starred and I'll be back to read more!
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
Philosophia

Brian Bandell wrote 395 days ago

Your writing is good and the story is interesting. It's a nice blend of fantasy, myth and reality. I like Alan's character. The dialog is strong.

I don't feel enough of an emotional reaction from Alan at his father's funeral. He's lost both parents, so he should be devistated, but it doesn't seem to shake him. Lugh has a tremendous emotional reacton to losing his village, though.

You use hyphens with "seven-year-old" when using it before a noun.

Missing word: "A cry that reached the ears of young Lugh working on a set of horseshoes a half mile from SOMEWHERE."

This is good work. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

scargirl wrote 398 days ago

the long pitch here is very good and hooks me, but the short pitch is weak.
j

Wavy3 wrote 403 days ago

Keep in my, this is my personal opinion, and you know best about your writing.
That said, I always feel it's better to start off a story with your main character, because it's what readers are looking for. Reading about seemingly random people, or members of his family, before the MC is a bit off-putting to me. I can see how you were contrasting the people with the MC, but it makes for a bit of a slow start, which I think doesn't do the rest of the chapter justice.

You've obviously got a lot going on in this story, but you do a fine job of avoiding the dreaded info-dump. I like the way you paint the relationship between Alan and his dad, too, because I'm sure this will play an important part in the story. Dialogue is also believable.

-Krista
Wrong

Su Dan wrote 410 days ago

good story, good genre, good writing; all works well.
backed.
read SEASONS...

Kirsty Louise wrote 461 days ago

I finally got around to my portion of the book swap, sorry it has taken me so long.
I really like so of your sentences in the beginning of chapter 1. It enabled me to relate to the story as i feel that way when i'm in an airport. "doing everything they could in order to pass the time..."
I also like how you describe the airport "concrete confines".
Great cliff-hanger, really urged me to read on.
There are a few errors, as mentioned but nothing a good polish can't fix.

Good Luck!

Edwin P. Magezi wrote 470 days ago

Well, I loved your first chapter and it's a new beginning for me. Started off with a story within a story and an exciting one at that.
The ending to chapter one is a great hook. I'm really curious to know what happened with the plane. Lugh's replication power reminds me of one of my fav anime, Naruto. :D

You do have a lot of work to do as regards editing. Your story seems intriguing and if you polish it to perfection, your book has the potential to go places. Just give it a thorough read, checking sentence by sentence to see how it reads in your mind.

Highly rated.

All the best
Edwin - The First Oath

Philthy wrote 480 days ago

Hi Brian,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Family stuff has kept me away, so thanks for your patience. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
Might just be my personal opinion (I don’t claim to be an expert), but I’ve never preferred when an author writes a pitch with a description of what the story is about, as opposed to incorporating hard-hitting verbs to draw the reader in. In that sense, the short pitch kind of reads like a synopsis more so than a pitch.
“red haired” should be hyphenated here.
Back to what I said about the short pitch, the first line of your long pitch is fantastic!
Whenever possible, whittle down the wordiness of your pitch. You don’t have a lot of opportunity to lure the reader into reading your book (the whole point of a pitch). For instance, I’d condense “the young man” to simply “him.”
“a once in a lifetime” what? Seems like a word is missing. Opportunity? And, “once in a lifetime” should be hyphenated here as it precedes what it’s modifying.
“doesn’t take long…” Add “him” after “take.” Then delete “for him.” Also, “City” should be lowercased.
“more than meets the eye” Isn’t this coined by Transformers? Kind of seems cliché.
“but a secret…” Add “also” after “but”
Is it really a secret collection of gods? Don’t you mean a secret club, or cooperative or assembly? A collection is typically owned by someone.
After the line introducing the newspaper as a collection of gods, it starts to read more like a synopsis. I’d wrap it up without all that detail. Save that for the novel itself. You don’t want to give too much information. You want them to be enticed to read about that, so don’t just give away the goods.
Chapter One
Don’t underestimate your opening-line hook. You want to start the reader off with a strong hook, and frankly, this one is kind of weak.
The period after “confines” should be a comma, as the next sentence is a subordinate clause (fragment) to that first sentence.
I’m a big REM fan :P…and I’m from Seattle. This is already hitting home!
“From the small sea of humanity” I don’t understand this.
Professorial is used as an adjective and should be lowercased.
“balding mop of dark hair” This is great imagery.
“7 year old” should be hyphenated
“dipped downward” is redundant, as things can never dip upwards
There’s some very strong imagery in this chapter, and I love the dialogue. You do a great job of capturing the characters’ distinctive voices. A wonderful premise and fairly strong writing, too. My biggest suggestion is to clean up the flow. Reading it aloud might help. Incidentally, I had (have) the same challenge with my story, and reading aloud has helped. I continue to do that.
Best of luck with this. It’s a great start and I can see it doing well here.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Jim Darcy wrote 488 days ago

Just a suggestion but, maybe, condense chapter 1 down into a prologue and start with chapter 2?
Also, it is literary convention to write all numbers in words, except where they are part of the name eg Boeing 747

sensual elle wrote 502 days ago

This story has a lot of promise and I'm backing it!

Wussyboy wrote 507 days ago

This is one of the few pieces I've read on Authonomy where the writing gets better, not worse, as it goes along. I just read your first chapter, Brian, and after struggling with the opening sections, got totally absorbed in the story of Lugh, and of how he, and his army of 'doppelgangers' defeated the bikini-glad-wench-serving Balor! Fabulous stuff - could easily imagine this being told to young 'uns as a camp-fire or as bedtime story. Is this the target audience you're aiming at? Yes, this does need a bit of editing (suggest a chap one heading of 'August 1991. Los Angeles International Airport', followed by: 'The masses who had gathered at Terminal 1559 were waiting for their flight home to Seattle in their own little ways.'), and yes, 'coup in Yeltsin's Russia' may be less of a mouthful in para 2, but I'm happy to give this 5 stars for genuine promise. Good luck!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires



Warrick Mayes wrote 512 days ago

Brian,

I Was a little troubled by a few things at the start, but when the story settled down, things improved considerably.

A very interesting pitch, and a very different start to a story - with make believe.

I did not like the somewhat condescending way you introduced the two characters: "...we see a couple of people near the back of the line...."

Use of the word "bit" felt clunky in "Young Alan’s mood sunk a little bit as the cold stink of reality came creeping back." I think the sentence would flow better without it. I do love the description "cold stink of reality" though.

Best regards
Warrick

sassychick wrote 513 days ago

Strong opening that captivates your attention right away. Right off the back you get a good feel for the characters and are easily able to relate to them. The ending is fabulous hooking you right on so that you need to know what happens next.
It is a well-written story that I will be returning to finish reading it.

AuroraNemesis wrote 513 days ago

Good pace and a strong opening.
Nice introduction to your characters, that are well rounded and convincing.
The dialogue adds to your writing and fills out this well written piece.
Well-written ending to the chapters that I fell will entice readers to carry on into the next chapter.
I found this a very good read, which is easy to read.
Well done

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