Book Jacket

 

rank 2220
word count 90509
date submitted 20.01.2012
date updated 15.08.2012
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adu...
classification: universal
complete

Páistí Avalon

Brian Ault

An urban fantasy that centers around two questions: What would you do if your world changed tomorrow? How would you adapt to the new reality?

 

After suffering through the death of his father, aspiring journalist Alan is visited by a beautiful red-haired woman dressed in armor. She provides the young man with a dream job writing for The Guardian newspaper in London. But his dream job comes with a secret underneath its world famous acclaim. A secret that will test his spirit and change him as well as the world forever.

 
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CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

2 Days till the Global Unveiling of Bluetannia: Lugh looked out of the window of the Prime Minister’s car as the English landscape passed him by. He could feel the sense of nerves in the pit of his chest at the completion of his long gestating plan within his grasp. Right now was the tour with the sanguine name “Road to Energy Independence.” It was concocted by one of Charon’s converted to provide “a ray of light” to the populace and distract them from the chaos to come. It would cover three cities in three days, promoting the litany of benefits that will come with the use of Bluetannia.

The first stop was Bishop’s Hall Park in Brentwood. Charon, in his Prime Ministerial form, spoke before a crowd of fifty for thirty minutes about how parks like these will remain beautiful and pollution free for generations to come thanks in part to the Bluetannia. He also talked about how family’s will be freed from the financial burden of the petrol pump and be able to provide for their children’s education and go on holiday more, feeding in to every aspect of the economy.

That night, there was a town hall where he fielded questions from the locals about the details of his beautiful words. There were also questions from Labour supporters about allegations of police brutality in the press. Allegations that had first surfaced in the pages of the Guardian, which annoyed him considerably. Charon looked out from the car next to Lugh as the daytime country scenery along the A12 passed by.

“Gods, these humans complain a lot,He opined with an exasperated sigh turning to Lugh as he read over a stack of papers placed. “Were they as bad when you were human?”

Before Lugh could answer, the ear’s of the lone human in the car perked up in fear. She was one of the Prime Minister’s chief personal assistants. Lugh looked up from his work and saw the woman’s eyes grow wide and she started moving slowly away from the two of them.

“The Prime Minister doesn’t mean that, Martha. He’s a little bit on edge,Lugh reassuringly uttered as the woman reached for her phone. Especially after the whole town hall incident.”

Well, w—we can schedule a brief rest for them,” Martha said, moving back from the lined seat covering of the door. “Perhaps in between the speech at Wildford Lodge and the town hall tonight at Chelmsford Cathedral.”

Charon nodded his approval looking out from the window again. “That sounds perfectly fine.”

Try to keep on script next time, Charon,” Lugh whispered a few moments later, moving back towards him as the assistant went about her business. “Don’t forget it was you who talked about instilling the people with hope and optimism. No sense turning yourself into a hypocrite before the unveiling.”

“I know. But why should I listen to you,” Charon uttered condescendingly. “You’re only one of his doppelgangers. The ‘original’ didn’t even have the sense to accompany me on this sodding tour.”

Someone had to be back in the city to recite the spell,” the doppelganger fired back in a controlled rage. “Doing it at the site itself would be too much of a hassle.”

“I still don’t see why he couldn’t get one of you doppelgangers to do the job.”

That is because only the original has the power to do it,” Lugh explained in a calmer tone of voice. “We can only mimic the physical form and characteristics of the original. We do not have his magical qualities.”

Charon chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief as the first signs of the cityscape appeared behind him. “For the life of me, I’ll never understand you Gaelic brood.”

***

The multi-car convoy arrived ten minutes later at the front gate of Wildford Lodge Prepatory in the middle of Chelmsford. They were greeted by a cheering crowd of seventy-five people who waved flags and holding banners, proclaiming the continued successes of the party. Charon looked out at the crowd from his window and smiled like a kid in a candy store as the cars arrived at the school’s front entrance. “I should have gone into politics ages ago. The idol worship is outstanding!

The assistant was the first to step out of the car. She gripped her clipboard and walked through the onlookers who tried to barge inside the car, clearing a path for her boss to walk. Before Charon was able to unbuckle himself and dive in to the cheering masses, Lugh grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back inside.

“Don’t forget,” he said over the sound of French horns in the background. “Speak of the future and the benefit to the children of Great Britain. You should also proclaim fossil fuels as a forgotten relic in the history books.

“Yes, I know. I did not forget,Charon scoffed, shooing Lugh’s hand away and making his way back out of the car. “After awhile, these speeches become easier to recite than training a Cerberus!”

A couple of feet into the long journey, he shook many hands and kissed the heads of many babies. The pattern continued with different townspeople as he made his way with his staff up to the makeshift platform where the speech would occur in front of the school. Lugh looked on a few steps behind him, examining the scene as it unfolded and making sure it all went smoothly.

Ghede watched the scene undetected in the back of the crowd following Charon’s path to the stage. She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her notepad, flipping briefly through the pieces of yellow notebook paper to review the prior day’s business. So far, there was nothing of use that he could send back to the others. But it was still early, she thought closing the notepad again. She then pocketed the notepad and glided out into a crowd in a black mist.

Ghede hovered invisibly over the crowd for a short period of time looking for the perfect person to inhabit. Near the edge of the stage, he saw a middle aged man with his wife and daughter cheering along with the others. He was wearing a casual dress shirt and khaki shorts standing within a foot of meeting Charon. He was as plain and ordinary as a divot of grass. In short, she thought, he was perfect.

It took just under a minute for her to slip in and gain control of the portly middle aged man’s body. The only affectation the man was a shiver and a twitch in his left hand as the process quickly completed itself. Ghede quickly situated herself in the new body and focused on Charon and his entourage as they were within seconds of meeting each other.

“I love you, Mr. Prime Minister,” Ghede said cheerfully through the middle aged man’s refined staccato voice as he approached. “I can’t wait to work for the Party in the next election to make sure we don’t lose our way as a nation.”

“Thank you, sir,” Charon answered with a perfectly tuned smile, shaking the man’s hand firmly. “I have no doubt your work will be a valuable asset towards continuing to make this a much stronger and truly greater Great Britain.”

As they shook hands, Ghede saw the fiery orange glow of Charon burning in his eyes. A byproduct of possession which varied depending on the entity. In this case, the orange glow representing the fires of Hades itself. Just before she let go of his hand, a flash of information rushed into her mind. It was a vision of the future, albeit one with very little detail. The only concrete thing she could grasp on to was an image of a glowing cast-iron suitcase lying on top of a table in a café.

Ghede let go of his hand shortly after. The two of them went silent for a couple of moments. They then exchanged pleasantries before he was hurried by Lugh back down the walkway. As she briefly caught sight of him in his bureaucratic form, the memories of their fight back in Valencia were rekindled in her mind.

“You do the Queen and country proud, Lucas,” She barked out as Lugh moved a few feet away from her. “Gods bless you, mon homme!” Ghede checked the human’s analog watch to see if there was enough time before having to change bodies. Twenty seconds shy of ten minutes. Damn!

[FWOOSH!]

Lugh gazed behind him where the middle aged man had collapsed to the ground catching his wife and child by surprise. So, this is what déjà vu feels like, he thought. There was little time to investigate his concerns though as the crowd started to move to where he stood. He jogged back up the line to join Charon and the rest of the entourage as they ascended up to the platform.

The local marching band from the school was already on stage, playing Queen’s “The Show Must Go On” from a set of risers on the platform. Charon reached the top of the platform followed by Lugh and the rest of his entourage. The crowd was sprawled out as far as the eye could see. Each one of them cheering and holding more of the signs supporting the Prime Minister and the Party.

“Did you notice something suspicious with one of the people in the crowd?” Lugh whispered to Charon as they moved to the podium.

“Which one are you referring to,” he whispered back looking out at the crowd. “They all look the same to me.”

“The middle aged man near the stage,Lugh quickly answered. “I felt something strange just before I walked away from him. I think some refer to it as déjà vu.” 

Charon looked unconvinced by the statement as he started to walk back around the podium. “Are you sure those doppelganger senses are not just misfiring?”

I haven’t felt this way since I saw Ghede in Valencia. he fired back.

The half smile turned into a look of pure mocking disbelief at Lughs theory as he stopped in the middle of the podium. “What possible reason would the ghost have to come here? She knows that she would be discovered in a second with all the bodies dropping like flies.”

Bridget must have sent her here for information,” Lugh retorted, standing at the edge of the podium next to Charon. “The Guardian must be planning their response after our raid offensive.”

“And we shall be ready for them,” he smiled and patted him a couple of times on his right shoulder. “Now, let’s not keep these humans waiting!”

Lugh reluctantly relented and made his way over to the row of white folding chairs behind the podium. Charon meanwhile drank in the last few moments of applause and cheers from the crowd.

“Thank you! Thank you!” He said complimentary as the music slowly faded. Their applause peaked momentarily before settling down to a comfortable level. “You folks here in Chelmsford have given a lot of energy to these tired bones. I feel like a kid again!”

Lugh watched from his seat as the audience let out a hearty and deep laugh that reverberated throughout the front of the school. As the laughter died down a few seconds later, Charon settled into a groove reciting the speech that talked of the better world we will be leaving our children thanks to Bluetannia. A few minutes into the speech that was being well received from what he could see, the doppelganger’s phone started to ring.

“How is Charon doing up there?” The original Lugh asked from the confines of his Flat in central London, watching the speech.  

“He’s doing fine, Original,” the doppelganger replied in a way that would not arouse too much attention from the other staff members next to him. “We’ve just arrived at the first speech in Chelmsford.”

“The Prepatory School. I can see that,” he muttered watching the TV. He then paced around the living room floor in a slow, measured manner. “Have you seen any protesters in the crowd?”

“No sir. None so far.”

Lugh nodded approvingly at the development standing next to his black leather upholstered couch. He watched as Charon energized the crowd with his rhetoric, igniting chants of “Turner! Turner!” from the gullible populace. “What was it the two of you were discussing before the speech began?” He asked, leaning on the back of the couch.

The doppelganger paused slightly upon hearing the question which drew uptick in suspicion from the Original Lugh. “Is it something that I should be concerned about?”

“There was one incident here a short while ago as he mingled with the citizenry.” The doppelganger blurted out.

Lugh groaned in frustration, walking toward painting on the wall. “What happened?”

I don’t know,” He replied to the growing irksomeness of the others next to him on the platform. “I was trying to get him down the walkway as quick as I could. As I got a few feet out of the area, the man yelled something to me.” 

“What did he say?” Lugh asked.

The doppelganger paused for a brief moment, wiping the sweat off his brow. “You do Queen and country proud, Lucas. Gods bless you, mon homme!”

The last two words, ‘mon homme,’ froze Lugh in place. His fist balled up in a quiet rage that was felt through the many miles and satellite relays back to the doppelganger. “Excellent work, sir,” he uttered, trying to calm himself down. “If you see her again, dispose of her immediately. Are we clear?”

“Yes, sir.” The doppelganger replied before hanging up.

Lugh hung up shortly after and pocketed his Molltach. He then sighed and walked over to the writing desk in his bedroom. On top of it was a stainless steel suitcase with a black handle which drooped on the wooden desktop like a price tag. He opened the complicated lock of the case and looked inside as a green glow hit his face up to the roof of his bedroom. “Very soon...we shall rise!” 

Chapters

25

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mightyscoo wrote 291 days ago

Hi Brian,

You've gotten a lot of good reviews here which makes me think my reactions to your first were not typical.
For me, the chapter started out very slowly and the first nine paragraphs of information could be discarded. You could better start the book in the cabin of the plane, closer to the real action. Also, the story of Lugh felt long and laborious to me. There was a lot of telling and not much showing. I would have preferred a much more compact telling of the story. There is not a lot to care about when most of your text is a story within a story.

I'd like to see more conflict in this first chapter. It ends in a compelling way with the plane in trouble, but there is no real emotional content for me before that.

I would give some specific examples of the' telling, not showing' if I could use cut and paste on this site. Again, none of this seems to faze anyone else commenting here, so tak it with a grain of salt.

Neville wrote 317 days ago

Páistí Avalon.
By Brian Ault.


I like the way that the story of Lugh is told by William to his young son Alan to while away the time on their flight home—a story within a story!
The story of Lugh opens with a battle against the formidable Balor whose marauding army seem intent on conquering all before them with very little resistance.
The task set before Lugh is a gigantic one…to beat Barlor in hand to hand combat together.
You describe the fighting in great detail as the battle commences, the one eyed Balor making all the headway as the fight progresses.
Lugh is inevitably defeated and tossed into the forest a couple of miles away…good fantasy here!
I loved the way that the ‘glowing ball of light’ appeared as Flidais made herself known, and the calling out of Lugh’s name…’In an operatic tone that vibrated gently amongst the trees’.
Nice poetic writing and a very colorful scene as she makes her arrival.
The introduction of the Tromm tree with its magical powers of healing the damage to Lugh—a risk to take as he takes the bark in his hand…a risk worth taking—It works…good for him!
A fantastic story only just touched upon but it’s spellbindingly good and will go down with the y/a reader’s who will lap it up. I will be back to it—that’s for sure!
No hesitation in giving six stars and on my list for shelving!
Well done, Brian!

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

junetee wrote 337 days ago

Paisti Avalon.

Hi Brian, sorry its taken so long for me to read your book on our swap read, but here I am.
Firstly, I love your pitch, its intriguing to say the least.
The story is fresh and new,and its written well. Its easy to read for the YA, and beautifully descriptive in places.
It has a good pace, the dialogue works and the characters are built up nicely. I think you've done a great job with the father and son.
I'm an REM fan, though I do hope 'Shiny happy people' is not the song they are going to be remembered for - its not one of their best. But I suppose you have to use the song for the year.
I notice we have a few things in common with our books, Avalon is in my book nearer the end, and dreams play a big part in it.
The second book of FOUR CORNERS is all about the legends and mythology of Glastonbury and Avalon, (and King Arthur.)

You have some grammar mistakes just like we all have, and I've jotted some down along with a few opinions of my own.. Take them or leave them as you please. I'm no expert.
The first chapter
'buckling himself into his seat' This was written two times close together. Maybe if you used 'fatened his seat belt' once.
'All there was (to read) were months of old copies of in-flight magazines.'
god -God
I'm not sure I'm keen on the CANG CLANG. It doesn't seem to go with the text. Maybe if it was put somewhere else, like after 'hundreds of miles'
'He began to contemplate where he might rest...' H e cant hear rustling from the distance - or can he? Has he got a gift? And the sentance seems clumsy and too long. If you finish it at 'Dis Pater' it might sound clearer
'Her long white dress gleamed...' This sentance needs a lot of work on it. And it needs commas in the right places.
At the end I wasn't sure about the BEEP BEEP . It didn't seem to work for me or go with the text. Reminded me of a small child playing with a toy. I'm sure you'll get lots of differences of opinions.
Needs shorter chapters for YA book.

These might sound a lot but they aren't. Youve done a great job here. Youve got some fantastic origional descriptions, some of which need a little polishing, but they'll be worth the effort. I've had to do a lot more to my book and I'm still editing after a year. I give your book high stars for a well written enjoyable read.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

scargirl wrote 338 days ago

better short pitch, but it is actually two questions not one...;)
j
wewsk

BNLauritzen wrote 359 days ago

I like this, this is really good work.
I'm not the most experienced critic or commenter yet, but I'll give it a go.
I've read the first chapter and like how it's framed with the father and Alan. That works wonderfully well. I enjoy the Celtic spin on it and hope that continues through the rest of the book. I am planning to read on when I have the time. The first chapter ends with a nice cliff-hanger. "The plane went silent for a few seconds before...BEEP BEEP!" Very good.
As kshaw wrote, the "old patriarch" kind of seems out of place I must admit. It threw me off slightly. But the story stands well and is decently paced, so good job.

-Lauritzen

kshaw wrote 361 days ago

Hi Brian,
I'm really happy I decided to back this book. I read the first chapter and I enjoyed it a lot. I love Celtic mythology and I love authors who incorporate it into their stories. I really like how you open the novel and the story you tell about Lugh. I've noticed a resurgence of interest in Celtic mythology and particularly with the story of Lugh which I find wonderful because he is one of my favorite mythological characters. You have a great voice for YA fiction and the pacing is just right.
My notes: (remember these are only my opinions and you are free to ignore them :) )

The chapter is really long, which is a problem for YA fiction. You may consider breaking it up into another chapter or just adding some page breaks *** to help young readers out.

Watch for archaic language such as "old patriarch" and "contented offspring". I'm all for teaching young adults new words, but I found these phrases a bit out of place.

Lugh2 bothered me :) maybe you could try the second Lugh, Lugh the second or Lugh two seeing that using numbers outside of addresses, time, etc. is a faux pas.

There are some slight grammatical errors, but I wouldn't worry about that too much. It seems like most of them are out of there and the story is really strong.

I really liked what I have read so far and I am happy that I have backed the book. You are highly starred and I'll be back to read more!
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
Philosophia

Brian Bandell wrote 371 days ago

Your writing is good and the story is interesting. It's a nice blend of fantasy, myth and reality. I like Alan's character. The dialog is strong.

I don't feel enough of an emotional reaction from Alan at his father's funeral. He's lost both parents, so he should be devistated, but it doesn't seem to shake him. Lugh has a tremendous emotional reacton to losing his village, though.

You use hyphens with "seven-year-old" when using it before a noun.

Missing word: "A cry that reached the ears of young Lugh working on a set of horseshoes a half mile from SOMEWHERE."

This is good work. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

scargirl wrote 374 days ago

the long pitch here is very good and hooks me, but the short pitch is weak.
j

Wavy3 wrote 379 days ago

Keep in my, this is my personal opinion, and you know best about your writing.
That said, I always feel it's better to start off a story with your main character, because it's what readers are looking for. Reading about seemingly random people, or members of his family, before the MC is a bit off-putting to me. I can see how you were contrasting the people with the MC, but it makes for a bit of a slow start, which I think doesn't do the rest of the chapter justice.

You've obviously got a lot going on in this story, but you do a fine job of avoiding the dreaded info-dump. I like the way you paint the relationship between Alan and his dad, too, because I'm sure this will play an important part in the story. Dialogue is also believable.

-Krista
Wrong

Su Dan wrote 386 days ago

good story, good genre, good writing; all works well.
backed.
read SEASONS...

Kirsty Louise wrote 437 days ago

I finally got around to my portion of the book swap, sorry it has taken me so long.
I really like so of your sentences in the beginning of chapter 1. It enabled me to relate to the story as i feel that way when i'm in an airport. "doing everything they could in order to pass the time..."
I also like how you describe the airport "concrete confines".
Great cliff-hanger, really urged me to read on.
There are a few errors, as mentioned but nothing a good polish can't fix.

Good Luck!

Edwin P. Magezi wrote 446 days ago

Well, I loved your first chapter and it's a new beginning for me. Started off with a story within a story and an exciting one at that.
The ending to chapter one is a great hook. I'm really curious to know what happened with the plane. Lugh's replication power reminds me of one of my fav anime, Naruto. :D

You do have a lot of work to do as regards editing. Your story seems intriguing and if you polish it to perfection, your book has the potential to go places. Just give it a thorough read, checking sentence by sentence to see how it reads in your mind.

Highly rated.

All the best
Edwin - The First Oath

Philthy wrote 456 days ago

Hi Brian,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Family stuff has kept me away, so thanks for your patience. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
Might just be my personal opinion (I don’t claim to be an expert), but I’ve never preferred when an author writes a pitch with a description of what the story is about, as opposed to incorporating hard-hitting verbs to draw the reader in. In that sense, the short pitch kind of reads like a synopsis more so than a pitch.
“red haired” should be hyphenated here.
Back to what I said about the short pitch, the first line of your long pitch is fantastic!
Whenever possible, whittle down the wordiness of your pitch. You don’t have a lot of opportunity to lure the reader into reading your book (the whole point of a pitch). For instance, I’d condense “the young man” to simply “him.”
“a once in a lifetime” what? Seems like a word is missing. Opportunity? And, “once in a lifetime” should be hyphenated here as it precedes what it’s modifying.
“doesn’t take long…” Add “him” after “take.” Then delete “for him.” Also, “City” should be lowercased.
“more than meets the eye” Isn’t this coined by Transformers? Kind of seems cliché.
“but a secret…” Add “also” after “but”
Is it really a secret collection of gods? Don’t you mean a secret club, or cooperative or assembly? A collection is typically owned by someone.
After the line introducing the newspaper as a collection of gods, it starts to read more like a synopsis. I’d wrap it up without all that detail. Save that for the novel itself. You don’t want to give too much information. You want them to be enticed to read about that, so don’t just give away the goods.
Chapter One
Don’t underestimate your opening-line hook. You want to start the reader off with a strong hook, and frankly, this one is kind of weak.
The period after “confines” should be a comma, as the next sentence is a subordinate clause (fragment) to that first sentence.
I’m a big REM fan :P…and I’m from Seattle. This is already hitting home!
“From the small sea of humanity” I don’t understand this.
Professorial is used as an adjective and should be lowercased.
“balding mop of dark hair” This is great imagery.
“7 year old” should be hyphenated
“dipped downward” is redundant, as things can never dip upwards
There’s some very strong imagery in this chapter, and I love the dialogue. You do a great job of capturing the characters’ distinctive voices. A wonderful premise and fairly strong writing, too. My biggest suggestion is to clean up the flow. Reading it aloud might help. Incidentally, I had (have) the same challenge with my story, and reading aloud has helped. I continue to do that.
Best of luck with this. It’s a great start and I can see it doing well here.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Jim Darcy wrote 464 days ago

Just a suggestion but, maybe, condense chapter 1 down into a prologue and start with chapter 2?
Also, it is literary convention to write all numbers in words, except where they are part of the name eg Boeing 747

sensual elle wrote 478 days ago

This story has a lot of promise and I'm backing it!

Wussyboy wrote 483 days ago

This is one of the few pieces I've read on Authonomy where the writing gets better, not worse, as it goes along. I just read your first chapter, Brian, and after struggling with the opening sections, got totally absorbed in the story of Lugh, and of how he, and his army of 'doppelgangers' defeated the bikini-glad-wench-serving Balor! Fabulous stuff - could easily imagine this being told to young 'uns as a camp-fire or as bedtime story. Is this the target audience you're aiming at? Yes, this does need a bit of editing (suggest a chap one heading of 'August 1991. Los Angeles International Airport', followed by: 'The masses who had gathered at Terminal 1559 were waiting for their flight home to Seattle in their own little ways.'), and yes, 'coup in Yeltsin's Russia' may be less of a mouthful in para 2, but I'm happy to give this 5 stars for genuine promise. Good luck!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires



Warrick Mayes wrote 488 days ago

Brian,

I Was a little troubled by a few things at the start, but when the story settled down, things improved considerably.

A very interesting pitch, and a very different start to a story - with make believe.

I did not like the somewhat condescending way you introduced the two characters: "...we see a couple of people near the back of the line...."

Use of the word "bit" felt clunky in "Young Alan’s mood sunk a little bit as the cold stink of reality came creeping back." I think the sentence would flow better without it. I do love the description "cold stink of reality" though.

Best regards
Warrick

sassychick wrote 489 days ago

Strong opening that captivates your attention right away. Right off the back you get a good feel for the characters and are easily able to relate to them. The ending is fabulous hooking you right on so that you need to know what happens next.
It is a well-written story that I will be returning to finish reading it.

AuroraNemesis wrote 489 days ago

Good pace and a strong opening.
Nice introduction to your characters, that are well rounded and convincing.
The dialogue adds to your writing and fills out this well written piece.
Well-written ending to the chapters that I fell will entice readers to carry on into the next chapter.
I found this a very good read, which is easy to read.
Well done

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