Hidden Goddess

Hi Amanda, just “borrowed” your book from the Fantasy Library thread. I read the opening of Hidden Goddess and really enjoyed it. You have a lyrical style of writing, almost poetic, which suits the fantasy genre extremely well. I emphasized with your MC straight away and your powers of description enabled me to “see” what was happening.

I’ve left a few suggestions and comments, which I hope prove useful.

If you have the time and inclination, I’d be obliged if you’d take a look at my novel, Land of Midnight Days, and let me have your thoughts. http://www.authonomy.com/books/40804/land-of-midnight-days/

Time vanished. It slipped desperately through my fingers, betraying me to the savage abominations nipping at my heels. [Blocking, faltering, tricking, and] ** I don’t think you need the bracketed words, they take away the immediacy of the narrative. The word “fighting” is strong enough on its own**

**The paragraph beginning: Time is an illusion, and ending: …the moment you took Time for granted, is very powerful, with tight and focused narrative. **

**Paragraph beginning: They must not catch me and ending: I still have the dream of my survival, is very powerful. It draws the reader into the narrator’s pov, giving a sense of their fear and panic**

[The forest gets darker every second that passes by, regardless of the hour. Even the trees seem to know of my fate, refusing to assist in my getaway. I need to run faster; find a safe haven. I know it is pointless, but I must hold on to some hope, some longing of survival, the mirage of tomorrow.] **Although this is beautifully written, I think it’s just repeating what’s already been said in the previous paragraph**

Above, I hear a cawing crackle, crows [leaking my position.] **The word “leaking” seems to me, to be inappropriate. I know you’re probably trying to find an alternative to “betraying”, but for me it doesn’t work, it sounds odd. **

They too have predicted my fate. It is only a matter of time [until they catch me] **Not sure who “they” are, the crows or something else? **

[The branch feels rough to my palm. It is rugged damp and covered in lichens, but it has strength.] **Great description**

I linger in the shadows for a moment before slowly [heaving] **Again, this seems an odd word choice. **

The scratching sound of nails ripping bark are all [to] **This should be “too”. ** close, forcing me to ignore the pain and just move.

All strength has left my muscles, they refuse to do no more [then] **than**

[An illusion was all freedom transpired to be.] **This is a bit flowery, suggest something along the lines of: Freedom was just an illusion. **

A shuffling noise rips me from my [ghoulish] **I don’t think you need this, it’s gilding the lily and again effects the immediacy of the narrative. We, as the reader, need to be inside the MC’s head. Adjectives, whilst they have their place, should be used sparingly**

My eyes focus on their faces as [the] ** they ** close on my location.

[A] **An** overwhelming energy carries itself within them, radiating effortlessly from their skin

I feel their clammy tongues rub against my wounded leg, tasting my lifeblood [that flows downward.] ** It’s self evident that the blood is flowing, so I don’t think you need to state it. The sentence has more impact without the additional information **

It doesn't bother me. **Great, this gives a shock to the system and raises the question of whether the MC is succumbing to her captors’ influence and if so, will the MC survive? **

HIDDEN GODDESS
I don’t usually like stories which begin with a dream but in this one it works. You have a great contrast between the dash through the forest and the seemingly kind strangers in the meadow – only to have the men turn out to be not so nice. Good plotting. Ava makes a good main character; she’s both likable and sympathetic. If I had a suggestion it would be to look at scenes and make sure you don’t “overwrite”. When Ava falls in the forest, was her pain really like “molton lead”? Or just sharp pain? Either way, this is a good read. Much better written than the sci-fi one picked this month as a pick-a-book Wednesday. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi there,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to your book, but here I am, at last.

I read the first two chapters and have included some thoughts below. Please remember that these are just my opinions and suggestions, so you are free to take or to ignore what you want.

First, I couldn't tell from the genre heading that it was a YA book, so when I started reading, I had to re-adjust my expectations. I don't know how that could be fixed, but I just thought I would mention how it affected my read.

I agree with someone below that the section on time at the beginning is a little confusing. I think you are trying to emphasize that time can be deceiving (like, thinking we have more of it than we actually have, for example). But I'm not sure you want to start off your book challenging your reader right off the bat. The chapter is about a chase which leads to the character's demise, so you might be better off starting with that (the chase) and later on, when the scene is established and we know what is going on, then bring in your ideas about time and its significance, perhaps towards the end when the character knows her time is up.

There were also a few places where I thought some sentences were over-complicated: “stench of their odor” could be simplified to “their stench”. You wouldn't lose any potency by making the change. Or, “Underneath a pile of decomposing leaves is what looks like a thick branch.” The MC is in the middle of a chase, so it's an active scene. The sentence above reads passively, and is just a complicated way of saying, “I spied a thick branch under some dead leaves.” Granted it's not as pretty, but it is active, which is important when you want to create a sense of movement and intensity in an action sequence.

Chapter 2 was good. The flow was smoother, and you created some interesting characters. The end was also nicely written to shock the reader into reading on. Nice job.

There were a few odd format breaks around “ghost makeup” and “Phantom pains” you might want to look at.

Over all, a nice start to a YA novel. Your ideas are very interesting, and I'm sure would be attractive to the targeted age group. I wish you the best of luck with your book. :)

Dyane

I like the cover, it is really Awesome looking!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Amanda could you please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time. :-)

I've read the first two chapters and I'm just dying to read more, but an error keeps occuring everytime I try to read the third chapter you've posted. But I guarentee I'll be back to read more. This has clearly improved and I really like what you've done with it. Normally, I'm not a fan of introductions but I like this one and I'm really curious to see how it fits into the rest of your story. I liked the first chapter and how she stumbles upon the fight. Good hook, right in the beginning. I'm going to change my rating and try to back this, as well as be back for more. I'm so curious to see where you're going with this!

One thing I thought I would point out though is that you introduce a lot of people right away. It's hard to keep all the names straight. Maybe, you could find a way to ease us into that a little more slowly?

By the way I also really like the new cover! Overall, so much better. Really great job with this. I'll leave you another comment once I've read more.

Hoping to hear some more feedback from you!
Melissa :)
Gut Instincts
Not So Sweet Sixteen

I like what I have read so far. You are very talented and the character seems realistic. I look forward to reading more. The only thing I would suggest is trying to make the pitch a little stronger. It didn't really hook me. but, I probably don't have any room to talk; I'm terrible at pitches. Anyway, good luck wither your writing!


Christy Howell
Written in the Stars

For our swap:

I really liked this story. 'Time is the ultimate tease.' Well your introduction comes in at a close second. The intruction was a great fast paced chase scene, with an immediate sense of danger. The whole way through reading it, I was routing for her to safely escape. And by the end of it, I wanted to know what happened next. But then in the first chapter it all appeared to be a dream... or was it?

The normality of the first chapter in comparison to the introduction was great. Ava is just a normal girl, one who has some really weird dreams.

I had to stop reading after the first chapter, even though I'm dying to find out what happens next, I have a load of reads to catch up on. But I'll definately be back some time to read the rest.

Highly starred.
Karen =)

Your voice is great, it comes right off at the start. I think you have a good start here, its compelling for the audience, I do want to note that some of the normal things (everyday things) are a bit much, maybe try to expand more on the paranormal aspect. You have some great word choice, and good ways to hook the reader, nice suspense. I think this has some great potential. I do apologize for not being able to go into more detail, as I have a lot to do, but I will be back in the future to take another look and offer some better advice and comments. Best of luck.

Catalaysia: The Curse of Five
Auna June

I like your voice, but honestly I am not a fan of your pitch. you get two different things.

I think you need to draw the reader in with that voice in that pitch and you can gain some more readers. Some things struck me kinda off, like the word color(you have it as colour) and odor(again another added u in there).

Dont get me wrong. i do the same sometimes too...but I am American so, yeah.

Hmmm, what else...okay here you sometimes slip on the tense, as one ofthe words was that instead of this showing that it was past tense instead of present..I do the same thing all the time, andI am not nitpicking dont get mad. Sorry. Just trying to help.

I like the flow of it, how it ryhmes...(probaly spelled that word wrong sorry lol)...

But yes, I took your book down for a bit, but i am gonna have someone else back it for you in my place, and was also wondering if you would like to look at my book Dear Cinderella, because it is pretty poetic, and ryhmes and is styled like yours somewhat or at least i think. And tell me what yah think.You dont have to of course.

Thanks,and I wish you luck.

-Elora =D

First of all, YA's not my thing, so I'll probably not rave as much as some, but this seems to be a good example of its kind. I enjoyed the fantasy, but the high school stuff left me cold. I made some notes as I read:

Not sure your opening paragraph about time is helpful. My being a bear of small brain etc, it only served to confuse me. I'd be inclined to jump straight to para 4 "They mustn't catch me" because you build the suspense well from this point.
"Unfortunately, that is not my nature. " - this spoils the pace a bit.
"they refuse to do no more then cry in agony" -not sure of this. 'Any more', I think would be better?
God only takes a capital letter when it is a proper noun - one god among many ('a god', or later, 'gods') does not.
You play us cruelly with the promised rescue which turns on your heroine! Nicely done.
Again, the time thing dissipates an already strong ending. I don't believe you need it.

Chapter 2
Appreciate switch to past tense now the heightened tension is done. I'm not a fan of high school drama so I'm afraid I moved swiftly over most of this chapter, but it finished well, with a nice hook to pull the reader onto the next page.

Chapter 3
That's a second fall-device in three chapters. It might work if you wove in deja vu and let the dream hang in the foreground, otherwise it looks as though you have a limited range.
"but your pretty average" you're
"almost 11pm" I may not have been reading carefully, but I was astonished at this passage of time.
"Abruptly, the man skyward, spying her in the sky." ? Missing looked?
Again, good close to the chapter.

Chapter 4
 “Well are you just going to stare at me, or are you going to ask the questions I know your dying to get out?” - missing comma after well, 'you're dying'.
'prodigal' means wastrel 
"Like I reported to you, " - clunky?
Chapter four ends well, but, again, (see above)there's a lot of the dream there, which I think either needs drawing out or altering.

This is good. I hope you don't take the percentage of critique verses praise to be indicative of the quality of your writing. I simply reckon that the most useful aspect of Authonomy is seeing where our work can improve. Take heart, though, this is a good read.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

This is an excellent example of a good YA and even MG (thanks to Claire Poulsen for teaching me that term!) novel.

The introduction is excellent, one of the most exciting ever, leaving the reader on tenterhooks, since we don't know what's happening. In the next chapter, we move into the protagonist's family life and school times, seemingly that of an ordinary girl but one with an extraordinary future. I highly recommend it!

Hi Amanda,

I read what you have posted, and I think you have a fascinating premise. The prologue is very well written and really grabs the reader's attention, making them want to read on and find out what the significance of the scene was. You seem to have a knack for suspense, and you do a good job of describing Ava's reactions to the insane situation she finds herself in. Ava seems like a lively character with a lot of personality, and she's a lot of fun to read about. I spotted a couple of grammar issues and typos, but I see that other commenters before me have already pointed them out, so I won't go into them. Also, some of the everyday scenes get a little tedious to read after a while, so you might want to consider trimming them the next time you edit. We want to hear about the paranormal stuff! The demons!

Anyhow, wonderful start, especially the prologue, and I think once it's polished, it could be really great.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Amanda,

I read what you have posted, and I think you have a fascinating premise. The prologue is very well written and really grabs the reader's attention, making them want to read on and find out what the significance of the scene was. You seem to have a knack for suspense, and you do a good job of describing Ava's reactions to the insane situation she finds herself in. Ava seems like a lively character with a lot of personality, and she's a lot of fun to read about. I spotted a couple of grammar issues and typos, but I see that other commenters before me have already pointed them out, so I won't go into them. Also, some of the everyday scenes get a little tedious to read after a while, so you might want to consider trimming them the next time you edit. We want to hear about the paranormal stuff! The demons!

Anyhow, wonderful start, especially the prologue, and I think once it's polished, it could be really great.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Amanda,

I read what you have posted, and I think you have a fascinating premise. The prologue is very well written and really grabs the reader's attention, making them want to read on and find out what the significance of the scene was. You seem to have a knack for suspense, and you do a good job of describing Ava's reactions to the insane situation she finds herself in. Ava seems like a lively character with a lot of personality, and she's a lot of fun to read about. I spotted a couple of grammar issues and typos, but I see that other commenters before me have already pointed them out, so I won't go into them. Also, some of the everyday scenes get a little tedious to read after a while, so you might want to consider trimming them the next time you edit. We want to hear about the paranormal stuff! The demons!

Anyhow, wonderful start, especially the prologue, and I think once it's polished, it could be really great.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Amanda,
An intriguing premise. I like the way it seems to focus mainly on the character's current predicament without telling us much about her but still managing to pull us into her situation in a personal way.
Given the character's point of view, I see that you didn't describe anything she didn't see, like these other demons in the forest. I really want have a look at those guys but that's the hook of your premise so I'll be turning the page and reading the next chapter.

"ripping back are all to close" -- "too close"
"They look strong, which is a relief to see since I don't" -- will read better without "to see"
"focus on their faces as the close on my location" -- "as they close on my"
"death has answered my prayers and crashed they to dust" -- "answered my prayers" makes it sound like a good out come. Think it will read better as "death has stolen/taken my prayers and crushed them to dust"
"tasting my lifeblood that flows downward" -- may read better as "tasting the flow of my lifeblood"
"Despite all reason, I've never felt so safe in," -- loose the "in"

Will read more, highly rated.
Edwin
The First Oath

Hey there! Here for the reading swap and all I can say is wow, gripping introduction there! I loved the way you talked of Time and the tone, the voice of it was fantastic. Though the first chapter did not have that same tone and seemed a little lackluster compared to the introduction. But you’ve got a very good start here and a very good concept. You just need to find the right voice for it.

First of all great prologue. I have just read first chapter and its an interesting premise. The character Ava has me intrigued great writing. Will read more once I get chance.

I did read your introduction and while I thought it was a tad long, it does draw the reader in. At least, it drew me in and that's what makes me want to read more - a writer has to get me in the first few paragraphs. I'm at the office now and supposed to be working on other stories. I'll check out some more this evening.

Hi, this is a fun premise for a book, and I think a teenage audience would enjoy it and relate to average Ava who finds herself thrown into an extraordinary world. I particularly like your opening chapter and especially the idea of time hiding in clocks.
Some of your writing is a bit confusing and I wonder if that's because I'm British and you use some American expressions I don't understand.
I think you need some editing. I noticed the following, and I hope you don't mind me pointing them out here. It's a longish list but please don't be discouraged. I mean it kindly and I'm sure most of them are just typos you've made as you've got caught up in your writing. We all do that!
"absentminded of" To me, you cannot be absentminded of something. Maybe it's a US/UK thing.
"Ava opted to lying" This could be "Ava opted to lie"
"a dark skin man" This should be "a dark skinned man"
"Unlike thud number one" In a few places you have the word 'thud' where I think you mean 'thug.'
"laid dead" This is at the start of Chapter Two, and should be 'lay dead' although I think US writers might use the word slightly differently, so I might be wrong.
"she could here the man behind her" Hear, not here.
"...what her brother use to call..." Used to, not use to
"before he can react" This should be 'could' to make sure your tenses match.
"The man laid on the ground" Again, I'd write 'lay'.
"Thrusting the knife in his direction" It isn't clear who is doing the thrusting. I know it's Ava, but the paragraph isn't clear.
"It wasn't hard to miss" This means it was easy to miss. Surely you mean it was hard to miss and therefore easy to see?
"I know you think your all that" Should be 'you're', not your
"but your pretty average" Same again, should be 'you're'.
"hall hall" I think this is just a typo, but you have the same word twice.
"..shrill of the bell.." I'd say this ought to be something like 'shrill sound of the bell'
"The nerve of that women" This ought to be 'The nerve of that woman' or 'The nerve of those women.'
"Your going to have to tough it out" Again, 'you're' not 'your'
"Ava shook her head religiously" To me, to do something religiously means to do take care to do it often as though it was part of your religion. Like, you might religiously wash your hands before you eat. I don't think that is what you mean here, rather more that she did it in a religious sort of way.
"defiantly" You use this word somewhere (sorry, not sure where, near the end) and I think it's a typo and you mean 'definitely'.
Like I said, just small things. I think I would have enjoyed this as a teenager and if you upload the rest, let me know.
Lucy Middlemass
Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon

First of all, congratulations on starting a novel.
You have created an average protagonist who will be expected to do great things, and that is one of the best story premises there is.
Second; when storytelling, the majority of the story hopefully comes from dialogue or the mind of the characters rather than the author's narrative. This means you have to know exactly what each character is doing and get them actively involved in helping/hindering/rescuing the main character...and we definitely want to know what the main character thinks!
This is a technique that helps with the layout and character movement of a movie script or a novel plot...
get a stack of three by five cards.
Each card represents a chapter of the book.
Write a synopsis of each chapter, one per card, and lay them out in a row.
Make sure you have a beginning, a middle and a ending for your story.
Then, you take more cards and write all the really good scenes. Where the character grows, learns, fights, falls in love. All the pivotal moments and put them next to the appropriate chapters.
write a card for each character.
What do they look like, what is their personality, who are they related to, and what is their purpose in the novel?
When you have one main character, everyone else in the book (minus the love interest) is there to propel them on their journey.
I'm also going to suggest that you read a couple of authors that are popular in YA fiction right now and study their dialogue structure, their paragraph structure, and exactly how in depth they get with their characters.
Authors like Stephanie Meyers, J.K. Rowling, and Orson Scott Card (Ender's Game) have clear, simple writing and well developed, well loved characters and they put those characters through lots of action and drama. Your book could easily fall into this category.
Good luck. I think you have a definite talent for writing.
Oh, and one last thing........never never never let your character speak with slang or imperfect grammar. It not only dates the story, but you want your character to appeal to people of all ages and all levels of education which the character will not if she doesn't read properly. That said, there are ways to allow your character to use imperfect writing to get humor, irritation, etc across. Example
"Yeah, yeah." She muttered, giving her brother a gentle sock in the arm. "I love you too. Now, shut up and give me my niece already."
Or something like that. Make sure that even their quirky lines are spelled correctly.

Again, good luck. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

When you read one of my books, I'm going to recommend that you read Jubilee, as it deals with the supernatural and high school students.
Jen

Amanda,

I'm here for a read swap!

First, I was really thrown by your pitch. It was kind of long and didn't really capture my attention. Your prologue tells me that you have a great voice and can draw the audience in, so I think it would behoove you to scrap the long pitch and start again. If I hadn't said I'd read swap, I would have read started the book based on the pitch.

I loved your prologue. I was capitaved by the first paragraph, which I see my friend Phil disagrees with. I thought that abstract idea of time was a good hook. While I wasn't sure where you were going with it, I still wanted to read on. I guess to me, it makes sense to have this strange thought process while on the run. I think the brain goes into panic mode and just babbles to itself. Anyway, back on point, I liked it and I enjoyed that this theme continued throughout the chapter.

I was a little confused about who the Divine One was and what the MC meant by "my people." Is she native american? is she front a different species or planet? I guess I didn't get it based on your pitch. It seemed like she was a normal girl with a normal life. But maybe this is like in Twilight when the prologue is actually from the end of the book? Not that this is ANYTHING like Twilight. Just trying to understand whats going on.

The only this I found kind of tedious to read was the part when she hurts her leg. It read a little over dramatic, gushing blood, compass for her enemies... but maybe thats just me. Obviously you have an eye for detail and drescription. I just thought that part could be cut down a little bit.

Great start! I'm hooked and have enough questions that I want to read on. I want to know who "they" are, who the beautiful beings are, what they are, everything. Definitely added to my watchlist.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Hi Amanda,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings and comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
I’m not sold by the short pitch. It reads more like a synopsis. I would drop “Hidden Goddess is a compelling tale…” Rather than tell us that, lure the reader in with hard-hitting verbs. Short pitches are difficult to write, and I don’t claim that mine is spectacular, but I think this approach would be much more effective.
In the long pitch, “On innocent stroll” Is “on” supposed to be “one?”
Whittle out the wordiness. Narrative voice should be reserved for the novel itself. Here you want to lure the reader without over telling backstory or details that aren’t direct hooks. With that said, I would delete “yup just one single stroll”
Delete “Yes”
Needs to be a comma after “people”
Might consider changing “in a graveyard” to “into a graveyard” for flow
Why isn’t it smart to walk into a graveyard? Typically nothing happens and people walk into it all the time to mourn the dead. This needs to be clarified. Maybe say that it’s spooky or eerie to walk into a graveyard, not that it’s unwise.
“what can a girl do” is a question and needs a question mark somewhere
Your premise is fantastic, but the pitch needs some work. It’s wordy and takes too long to get to the point. Remember, your goal with the pitch is simply to lure the reader into opening your book, not to tell the back story or every detail.
Introduction
“Time vanished” makes no sense, especially as an opening-line hook, as we have no context of what you’re talking about. You have already lost the reader here, which is unfortunate because reading ahead, you have a wonderful story!
To be honest, I’m having a hard time following your philosophical musings of time. “Time is an illusion of space.” What does that mean? Time is not space. Time is a sequence. Many theorists are now saying that time is actually the fourth dimension. Of course, what this means in regards to physical space is ungraspable. So what does “time is an illusion to space” mean?
The part about being chased through the hollows of the forest is your hook. Whether you want to delve into the musings about time or not, what will draw the reader in immediately is that the narrator is being chased, and that needs to be reflected in the opening line.
Who is they?
“Life penetrates the leafy canopy” this really is awesome imagery!
A strong start here. You’ve got the meat of a great story. My biggest suggestion is to whittle down the wordiness. You tend to beat around the bush, presumably to add drama to the tone, but it actual has the opposite effect. Focus on the scene, amping up the description of the setting and the physical manifestations of the narrator’s fear (i.e. sweat, trembling, rapid breathing). That’s what will enhance the drama. Also, the time philosophy is fuzzy and needs to be articulated more clearly, in my humble opinion. I'm not seeing that well.
Otherwise, good stuff. I love the drama, love the imagery and the narrative voice is strong, too! This is well on its way to becoming something excellent. Some additional scrubs and polish will really help it pop.
Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Amanda,

Here's the read swap I owed you!

I loved your prologue. It was incredibly tense and exciting. One thing I noticed when I was read, your first three paragraphs a just a tad slow, but your fourth is great. So you might want to flip those, just to make sure you draw the reader in immediately, and put the first three paragraphs between the fourth and fifth. By the way, I was completely creeped out by those demons. I loved how you made them seem friendly, then dashed Ava's and my hopes yet again. Very nice touch!

Chapter one was somewhat of a letdown, as I realized that the prologue was simply a dream. But, that said, by the end of the first chapter, it was exciting enough to grab my attention. You might want to cut out some of the school scenes. There were so many new people being introduced that I started getting slightly confused. You could try making sure only key characters are added just then, or something along those lines.

Overall, though, this was a great start to a book that I'm sure is great all the way through! Good job for an original plot and great writing!

Noelle

Hello, sorry for the delay but here for my share of the swap. As I always preface these things this is but one opinion of someone who does not claim to be an expert, so take whatever you like from my observations.

PITCH- the short pitch is very dry! 'This is a story of...'. I'd keep it from Ava's point of view, rather than you, the author, telling us what the story is about.

The long pitch is okay, but nothing about it stands out to me. Most, if not all, books in this genre go with 'average teenage girl gets mixed in supernatural stuff'- so what makes your book different? Play on what makes it unique. The fight in the cemetery is good- use more of what makes your story special to entice people to read this fantasy romance, rather than the hundred others all competing for their attention.

INTRO

Opening paragraph is excellent, but be careful as sometimes it trips over itself. Also, as you seem to be using past tense, 'Time ha(d) shown its...' would be more consistent. The line 'Time is an illusion of space...' really confused me. Written as it is it doesn't make sense to me. I'd have preferred you crack on with 'Time...is the puppet master' and delete that previous sentence entirely.

You switch back to present tense here...reads fine, but jumping from tenses can throw some readers (like me). Personally, I'd pick one and stick with it.

You build the tension nicely and I get a good sense of the character's thoughts- nice!

'crows leaking my position'- I get what you mean but it sounds a bit weird...might just be me.

The pace is good and the tension strong, but I'm a bit lost with the setting? Not sure exactly where we are- in a forest, then a river, then light. Might be good for a sentence or two just to ground the reader a bit more. On the other hand she's running in a panic, so won't notice these things, so I leave it up to you which you feel fits best.

You seem to like the word 'fate'- just getting a bit repetitive for me. Maybe 'end'?

And the little twist at the end- good job!

Not much to say here really- I did stumble across some paragraphs because of awkward wording, but since I don't write in your style I can't really suggest how to make it smoother.

ONE

Nice change in tone.

'as sweat (literally)'- the sentence is much stronger if you cut the literally. You don't need it- if you say she's sweating we'll believe you!

'leg...leg...leg...' if you find you are using the same descriptor a lot, try re-wording the sentence. 'Phantom pains lingered in her body, especially her right leg. Forcing herself to take back control, Ava flung her aching limb over the side of the bed and stepped down. Bearing weight caused a tingling, prickly sensation...'

'resembling the fallen asleep pains'- ?? falling asleep pains? What are they?

'Shuddering at the memory...' you could cut the rest of the sentence, make it a little tighter.

'rehydrate her lovely olive skin...' you then compare this skin to a ghost. Do you mean that as pale as she is now, she looks like a ghost? I'd perhaps think about rewording this to make it clearer.

'...Mom's voice shrieks'- up til now you've used past. Stick with it: 'Mom's voice shrieked...'

'sassed'- is that a word? Sassy is a word...Maybe try 'teased'?

Dialogue is strong and flows naturally- good work!

'...she makes a face' - again, see above for my opinion on tense.

'where did disappear to'- might have missed a word?

Your writing is generally strong and I can see this will have appeal to your target audience, getting to know the characters well. A bit too similar to other books in the genre for my taste but hey, it's what they read!

You skip over the fact Ava's dream is affecting her day. Why? This is a great opportunity! Show us that there's more to the dream than it seems. I'd go into more detail.

'Ava said laughing'...= Ava laughed?

The transition from reading in the park to the cemetery fight is a bit sudden. Pace it out a bit? Ava is trying to concentrate on reading when she hears things, and when she tries to find the source she's surprised to see the brawl.

'dark skin man' - dark skinned man?

'making it was impossible' - making it impossible?

'thud number one' - thug number one?

'thud'- I think you mean thug? Thug seems a bit strong though...or perhaps just go for stud, lol.

And a great cliffhanger to end on.

You've certainly got a good handle on the story! Just some editing in places to neaten it up. You've got me interested alright! You get into the story fairly quickly but flesh out the characters enough for us to care about them.

TWO

'...flames (were) extinguished'- stick to past, please! It reads much better.

'quickly...quickly...' you could probably get rid of one of these to help it flow better.

'throughout (its region)...' you could chop the bit in brackets, it makes sense still.

The rest of the stuff after Ava gets to her brother's is a good read but it does slow a bit. Not enough to stop me reading on, but just thought it was worth mentioning.

'the man had demised' - the man had died?

' the man skyward..' - looked skywards?

And the plot thickens- you've really built up a great world of suspense and danger, with creative violence, too. I'm impressed!

Just take care with missing words and tense slips.

THREE

A lot of adverbs here- you could trim some of them. While I'm not on the 'adverbs must die' clan, I do notice them more when they appear in clusters. Try making them bold- then you can see how many appear in one place and trim accordingly.

I found her practicing her 'power' at 5AM a bit much. She doesn't believe she HAS powers...so why would she? Perhaps another incident in her bedroom to prompt her to try? It just seems a bit thrown in for me.

Ah, I see why you have it there. Perhaps just change the circumstances a bit. Ava can't sleep, so she heads to school early and on seeing the field has this wild idea. If you flesh it out more with her thought pattern, it would make more sense to me.

'unable to not spit out...' I'd cut this, doesn't add anything.

Pretty good! You've got all the elements of a great YA fantasy romance here, and a strong female lead.

Only thing I have to suggest it that it needs a bit of tidying editing wise, with missing words, tense flips and some typoes.

Great stuff- it's been a long time since I've read a book on autho I've enjoyed, so well done!

Take care and all the best,

VC Sam

I did like your first chapter, though in my opinion you went a little heavy on the description of Time.

"Time has shown its true colors." To me, it would sound better as "Time has shown me its true colors", as she was the one betrayed by it. And I loved the last line, as it tied in with the beginning of the chapter.

More description when it came to her fleeing would have been great, because it seemed a little rushed. Amp us up a bit with more description of the chase, as we no nothing about how she's feeling. For the second chapter, you use 'shuttering' instead of 'shuddering'.

All in all, I did enjoy what I read so far, and I see this snowballing into a fabulous story.

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

I did like your first chapter, though in my opinion you went a little heavy on the description of Time.

"Time has shown its true colors." To me, it would sound better as "Time has shown me its true colors", as she was the one betrayed by it. And I loved the last line, as it tied in with the beginning of the chapter.

More description when it came to her fleeing would have been great, because it seemed a little rushed. Amp us up a bit with more description of the chase, as we no nothing about how she's feeling. For the second chapter, you use 'shuttering' instead of 'shuddering'.

All in all, I did enjoy what I read so far, and I see this snowballing into a fabulous story.

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

Lovely writing.
This isn't really my genre, so I'm not really qualified to comment. I can spot writing with promise though, and this is very well done.
I'll put you on my shelf soon.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

I just read through the intro and the first chapter. This sounds like a great story. You really know how to pull you reader in. Your imagery is amazing and what a fantastic cliffhanger at the end of chapter one! You have done a great job with this one. Thanks so much for the read and I will give this one high stars.

First off, I loved your introduction. The opening paragraph is a little confusing in terms of time and whether the actions are being carried out in the present or the past. Overall, the content is gripping, Ava, as the protagonist, reads strong but the first chapter is littered with grammatical errors which disappointed me a little.

I will type out the sentences as you have presented them and the circular brackets indicate the change I believe you should make while the square brackets show what should be omitted. Don't let this criticism deter you though. The book has potential, I just feel that it would be beneficial to print off a hard copy, read through it and circle the mistakes in red so it makes it easier for the reader to enjoy.

The errors are as follows:

- "... a ghost make up (ghostly make-up)..."

- "... descending [down] the stairs..." The action implies the downward direction.

- "... as she continue(d) placing (C)heerios..."

- "... besides chances are she(')s going..."

- " "Whatever, you say that every time you drive me,(") "

- "... the doors of her educational building (maybe just say school?)[.] tousling Angel's hair..." Comma instead of a full stop.

- "She defiantly (definitely) was not someone you could ignore..."

- "Her face was covered in make[-]up..."

- "... where did (you) disappear to..."

- "Ava opted to lying (lie)..."

- "... love some quality ("me") time..."

- "to talk and catch up (otherwise)..."

- "... down the sidewalk towards Riverside (P)ark..." Riverside Park is a place name and should get capitals the same as the Eiffel Tower, Big Ben (etc.). This error is repeated elsewhere.

- "The sun was shinning (shining) bright in the sky..."

"There was a dark skin (dark-skinned) man..."

"... making it [was] impossible to catch a glimpse of..." Alternatively you get say: "...making it impossible to glimpse..."

- "Unlike thud (thug) number one..." This error is repeated numerous times.

- "...exposing his well(-)defined muscles (chest)..." This wasn't a mistake but I just thought "chest" sounded better than "muscles" to be honest.

- "... the man on the ground's eyes..." I suggest rephrasing this because it doesn't read as easy and fluid as you would want.

I know my critique may appear harsh but I gave you a detailed review to help improve and sharpen your story. The idea is there, it just needs some tidying. I have backed it too.

All the best,

Chris

Hidden Goddess
Hey Amanda, this is a great start to a YA novel. The intro is gripping and get's the reader's pulse racing. Though, i was disappointed to find that it was a dream, since it read like a prologue, teasing us with events to come later in the book. The notion of time and your descriptions was well written and intriguing. Just be careful not to drag it out or you could lose your reader. I perked up when you started in on the chase, which really hooked me.

Just a few notes on dialogue: at times it felt a bit too formal, "offspring," and awkward, "going to have her spoiled" rather than "going to spoil her." Reading these sections aloud usually helps me to pinpoint where the writing can be tightened up. Also, Ava's banter with her friends could be tightened up a bit too; I found my mind starting to wander.

This is such a great start and I look forward to reading more as you post it. Hope my comments help :)
High Stars!
Brittanee
- Sinful

Hi Amanda,

Let me firstly say that I have enjoyed what I have read so far. I hope that this is finished and stored somewhere as i would like to read the completed edition.

Michael J McKeown (Soul Passage)

You are a very talented writer. Great job. High stars.

Hi Amanda,
I was immeditely sucked into the story and didn't want to stop reading.
Your descriptions are good and I really enjoyed it.
I will back this soon.
All the best,
Jess :)
Would You Like Brains With That?

First part is soo grandly sculptured. The statements on time are so well worded that it pulls the reader on. I was captivated!
I could see this ending up on my Shelf soon.
Super work!

Bria Heart <3

Amanda - I saw your book on someone's shelf and had to check it out. It's an entertaining premise and the first couple of chapters are great fun, that's how much I read. High stars.
~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Hi Amanda,
Had to back Hidden Goddess for being such a well-written paranormal book for teens, (at least that's how I saw it). The first paragraphs of chapter one sucks me right into the chase as Ava (strange name IMO - like Eva better) flees from some unknown fear - since it's unknown it compells me to read on. The first-person narrative and the sililoquy of Time is magnificent - almost Shakespere-like. Well done here.
Time is the ultimat tease (WOW) :-)
Then in chapter two you change into third-person narrative. That was wierd. It was hard for me to shift gears while reading, if you know what I mean. I tend to think you should write the entire story either in first-person, or in third-person, but never mixed, (unless that 's the "in" thing that writing teachers are saying in school these days).
Nevertheless you have a incredible writing talent and I want to give credit where credit is due.
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

The pitch is well written.
The title is good.

AMAZING FIRST PART! I love the way your words are so deep and drawing. It keeps the reader interested and reading more. The word usage is GREAT!
I very much like your story. I usually don't care for the mystical books, but this one is very well done.
I like that you keep your swearwords few!
It is funny your Kimmy reminds me of Kimmy on Foul House.
Anyways, very well done!!
I will read more when you get it up.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

The first thing that struck me - your long pitch doesn't do justice to your story (which is very good!). There is a strong start, and all of the chapters you have uploaded so far are good. As others have said, your writing style really hooks the reader! I found the font type pretty hard to read, but that's probably just personal preference. Let me know when you upload the rest of it and i'd be happy to read it and give you a proper critique x

God, this is really good, Amanda! Your writing's almost poetic, especially the introduction.
A very interesting story, it has all the elements of a great paranormal tale.
Full of mystery and emotion, it's one of those reads that's hard to let go off, but my time is limited at the moment.
I'd love to read more, so I'll try and get back to it.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Gave an initial rating and added to my watchlist. I hope to read soon.

I read all that you posted. There's good potential here in this story. An adolescent coming into her own power, and we get to watch it unfold. This is a classic story, but usually you see it in high fantasy, not low fantasy. (By low, I mean occurring in the real world, though I suspect we won't be on earth for long.) I have some other thoughts, but I'll share them in an email to you. For now, congratulations on a story that successfully builds suspense and mystery.

Mark

When i read the tags i whinced when i saw the word 'fantasy' as this genre really doesnt do it for me at all. However, straight from the off i was very impressed with your writing style. The tension is ratcheted right up from the off (maybe a little more texture and dynamics would benefit you in the early stages).
You seem to write with real passion and verve, which is great, but it's good to take a step back after the initial intensity and ask yourself if you can save something for later, let the reader catch up with you a little, and let things build a bit.
This is impressive stuff though, and i've highly starred it.

Amanda,
This is great fun. It’s gets off to a mysterious start which captivates the reader nicely. If I had to criticise (and I’m not really qualified since I’m still unpublished – so take or leave what I say), I would suggest you might want to work on the smoothness of the text. The pace is good, but sometimes I was wondering where we were going (eg in Chapter 2 & 3) and, when I found out, I wanted a bit more complexity. Maybe that comes in the rest of the text - but there again, I presume it's not meant to be an adult book.
Anyway, there is lots of potential here, so I am sure some more work would definitely be a good investment. Also, it would be worth fixing the formatting errors. There are quite a few and there is a risk they might put off some readers. And there are some editing errors, for example, one doesn’t ‘descend down’ and ‘at least this thud’ (what’s a thud – thug?).
Overall, I enjoyed it. I do believe it needs some work, some trivial, some more structural. But I daresay you know that and are already working on it. Highly rated with pleasure.
Rheagan Greene - Bitter Truths (The Samurai Revival Trilogy Vol. 1)

This clearly has potential and nerve - but for me, not my cup of tea because of the supernatural theme: I'm too sensitive I'm afraid. And i don't enjoy reading about fear either! What immediately touches me is the love of writing and drama that radiates from the story - I sense your love of imagining and writing. I think you might benefit from reads from a good friend who could tell you what seems superflous - a bit too much of nerve in the text. Its like when the actor cries on the stage, instead of making the audience cry.
And this is just my personal opinion, from one who does not enjoy too much going on in texts - so please feel free to disregard anything not to your liking.
This is a good place to place it though, Amanda :-)
Leelah Saachi

This is a really great start to a YA novel. Your 'introduction' is gripping, very mysterious and scary. Because it was written in first person, the reader gets a real sense of urgency and fear. I liked the ending, the twist where for one heart stopping second the MC thought she was going to be saved, only to realise her captors were the enemy. Great way to keep a reader hooked

I've read all four chapters and I am eager for more. I liked the initial meeting between Ava and Dimitri, it was action packed and full of tension. Definitely eager to see how that plays out later on. Also, the build up to Ava finding out who and what she is, is very well written. It's a slow build with lots of intrigue which will keep readers interested, escpecially as you have dropped hints about her being some sort of God.

I did notice a few typos but nothing major. I would however, advise you to maybe break up your chapters into smaller chunks. Apart from those things, this is a very well written, richly descriptive novel.

Best of luck with this :)

Yasmin
- Guileless

Dramatic opening. A lot of action in the opening chapter makes me want to read more.

A dramatic and intriguing start. I really liked the initial musing on the untrustworthiness of time. You don’t, however, want it to run on for too long or start to seem repetitive. The chase sequence was the dramatic part, but you might like to think about how use of language can speed up or slows down the action. The twist at the end where her rescuers are in fact her captors was also neat.

Things to watch for: the “it was only a dream” beginning is recognised by publishers as something of a cliché these days. Similarly “with every fibre of her being” is considered a clichéd phrase. “Shuttering at the memory”, however, is an unusual and distinctive phrase, even if I’m not quite sure what it means.

Chapter one is quite long, particularly for a YA novel. Have you considered breaking it down into two or more chapters: Chase sequence, home sequence, school sequence etc?

Nits noticed:

“After fully satisfied it was only a dream”;

“Fallen asleep pains”;

Past and present tense occasionally mixed up;

Grammar/sentence structure in certain places;

Missing punctuation.

Hope the above helps with the editing process of what seems to be an intriguing tale.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

The opening chapter is very fast pace, it pulls you right in. I think the dream sequence could be an introduction, with the first chapter actually beginning with Ava waking up. Overall, just from reading the first chapter, I think it is very good and it has potential.

Feel free to leave a comment for my book as well! :)

Chpt.1

The opening discussion of Time personnified was very nice. Careful that it doesn't drag on too long though. Opening the chapter with a chase scene is good planning as well. There are several grammatical issues that need to be resolved and this will improve the pace. Use the physical structure of your writing to assist in the speeding up of certain sections, for example, in places where you want readers to race through (as if they were the ones being chased), use shorter sentences and brief paragraphs, without too much introspective dialogue. In general, I felt that this first chapter was too long especially if your target audience is YA. Hook them and get out of there, is my motto for first chapters.

One last suggestion, and one that is merely meant as an exercise not a permanent change to your manuscript. Currently your narrative is in first person. Experiment with writing this same chapter from third person. Even if you know without a doubt that you want to keep a first person POV, forcing yourself to try the alternate perspective will help tighten up the writing in general.

SW
Devil Went Down

i think youve got a really interesting story here. and i also like your writing style. i actually really like how you described things. one thing i would consider working on is your long pitch. first off, its really... long. and i felt like it was a summary. i felt like you gave too much away. i think shortening it to maybe even the first paragraph and then adding just a couple sentences would be enough to hook your readers. overall though, a very promising read and i wish you the best of luck with this.

hope to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)