Book Jacket

 

rank 996
word count 71637
date submitted 22.01.2012
date updated 22.01.2012
genres: Chick Lit, Romance, Fantasy, Comedy...
classification: moderate
complete

The Winning Hand

Oktober Osbourn

When Bethany Dean wakes up in heaven following her untimely death, she finds herself facing the hardest choice she's ever had to make.

 

For hopelessly incurable romantic, Bethany Dean, heaven isn't all it's cracked up to be. Having been married three times on earth, God decrees she must choose which of her three husbands to spend the rest eternity with in the afterlife, forgetting forever those she doesn't chose.

Granted one week to make her choice, and the opportunity to see each of her husbands again in the afterlife, Beth prepares to be re-united with her first husband, George, for the final time by telling the story of their marriage.

Through a disastrous early love affair, Beth is lead to the excitement of the Cheltenham festival, where a chance bet at long odds steers the course of her life towards both love; and ultimately ruin.

Beth finishes her tale, but soon realises that no amount of remembering can prepare her for the reality of seeing George again; or change the fact that the riskiest gamble of all is still to come.....

The Winning Hand is the first book of the Life Beyond trilogy. Beth's journey through her subsequent marriages continues over the following two books, as she draws ever closer to having to make her impossible choice.

 
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tags

afterlife, angels, cheltenham, comedy, cornwall, gambling, heaven, horse racing, love, romance

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Chapters

14

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13. The die is cast

George took me to a rustic Italian restaurant, just off Cheltenham high street. ‘I know it doesn’t look up to much,’ he smiled apologetically as we were seated in a particularly dark corner, ‘but I promise the food is amazing.’

    ‘That’s OK, I like it.’ I hoped the subtle lighting, mostly generated by candles stuck into old wine bottles on every table, wax running in rivers down their sides until it pooled on the quaint, red and white checked table clothes below, would hide the worst of my nerves.

    ‘Red OK with you?’ George asked as he finished studying the wine list.

    ‘Um … sure.’ He ordered something I’d never heard of from the smiling waiter, who seemed to approve of the choice. I hoped I would too; I wasn't much of a wine drinker, but I couldn't imagine the restaurant having much in the way of a cider selection, and I was seriously in need of some Dutch courage.

    I didn't know what to say once George and I were alone. I buried myself in the menu and tried to look calm, but I had no idea what most of the dishes were which only made my nerves worse. The waiter reappeared to pour the wine and hovered menacingly with his pad out, poised to take our order.

    'I'll have the steak, cooked rare, please. Beth?'

    ‘Um … ' I dithered, still lost in unfathomable menu.

    'How about spaghetti carbonara?' George thankfully came to my rescue. 'They do it properly here; just pancetta, garlic, eggs and parmesan. No messing about with cream.'

    'That sounds great, I'll have that please,' I said in relief.

    The waiter drifted off and George and I were alone again. I took a huge, cider-like slug of my wine and only just managed to avoid pulling a face; I wasn't at all sure I liked the taste, but I did like the way the high alcohol content made me feel as it hit my empty stomach, warming me, forcing me to relax.

    ‘Thank you for coming out with me tonight.’ The same grin was still stuck firmly on George's face as he looked across the table at me.

    ‘It wasn’t like I had much choice.’ 

    ‘That's not fair, there's always a choice. The card game was just a bit of fun; you could have still said no. But you didn’t. You’re here.’ He seemed to be genuinely delighted by my presence. I couldn't work out why; he was so handsome, so charming and he was clearly used to female company; so why did he look so pleased I was here? And why had he gone to all the trouble of seeing me again? Judging by the amount of female heads he’d turned when we’d walked into the restaurant he obviously didn't need to go so much effort to get a date. There had to be something I was missing. And there was definitely something fishy about that card game; George must have been confident of the outcome to have offered such a large free bet as a stake.

    ‘So, are you going to tell me how you did it?’

    ‘Did what?’

    ‘The cards; the prial of threes?’

    ‘I didn’t do anything.’ He tried to look innocent, but I caught the glint in his eye. ‘I told you, I felt lucky tonight, that's why I played.’

    ‘Hmm. Why don’t I believe you?’

    ‘You don’t?’ His expression turned to one of mock horror. ‘I’ll tell you what, I’ll tell you. But only if you agree to come out with me again.’

    I was caught completely off guard; I hadn’t even expected to be out with him tonight, I certainly hadn’t thought as far ahead as seeing him again. I studied him across the table while I tried to think of a suitable reply. He still looked genuinely delighted to be out with me, and now he was already asking me to go out with him again. I was flattered, if a bit puzzled, but there was a big part of me that wasn't sure I should be here at all; not when I still felt as I did about Anthony. The last thing I wanted to do was to lead George on. ‘I’m … not sure.’

    ‘OK, fair enough.’ He held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. ‘My fault, I'm jumping the gun. You’ve hardly been out with me five minutes; you don’t know how much you’re going to enjoy yourself yet.’ He grinned wickedly at me and I couldn’t help smiling back.

    ‘It’s not that, I am having fun; it’s just that things are, well ... complicated.’

    ‘Ah, I see.’ His smile faded slightly. I couldn’t quite tell if he was being serious or not. ‘Don’t tell me … there’s another man. Someone you want, but can’t have. Right?’

    ‘How do you know that?’ 

    ‘How do you think?’ he laughed. ‘You’re like an open book. It’s part of what makes you so adorable.’

    I was stunned by his response; was I really that transparent? The waiter mercifully came to my rescue, setting our food on the table with a flourish. The distraction was even more welcome when I tasted a mouthful of the velvety smooth spaghetti, loaded with flavour and every bit as delicious as George had promised.

    ‘Come on then, tell me about the competition.’ He returned to the attack as soon as the waiter drifted off. I took my time answering, trying to decide how much I should tell him. ‘I … don’t really like to talk about it.’ The laughter in his eyes had been replaced by kindness, but Anthony was still pretty low on my list of favourite dinner table conversation topics.

    ‘That's hardly fair,’ he said between mouthfuls. ‘You gotta’ tell me. How can I fight when I don’t know what I’m up against?’

    'It's not like that, there's no fight.'

    'There's something, though. You may as well tell me; I'm not going to give up until you do.'

     I had to give him marks for persistence. I couldn't help having a good feeling about him, even though I hadn't know him long; and after all the effort he'd made to see me again the least he deserved was honesty. ‘OK. His name’s Anthony. But he’s no competition. He moved away. To America.’

    ‘Ouch. That must have hurt.’ George's smile deserted him completely. I was surprised to find him looking at me with a tenderness I wouldn't have guessed at.

    ‘Yeah, it did.’

    ‘And were you together? Before he left, I mean?’

    ‘Well, no not exactly…. We kind of were a bit, but then he was with someone else.’ 

    ‘He sounds like a cock,’ George indignantly replied.

    ‘Yeah, I guess he kind of was.'  Making light of my heartache was unexpectedly liberating. I realised I was genuinely smiling at George for the first time. He mirrored my expression with a megawatt grin of his own.

    'OK, now I know. Sorry I had to ask; no more difficult questions, I promise. I'll tell you what; you can ask me a question in return. That seems only fair.'

    He looked at me expectantly. I racked my brain, searching for the right words. The silence started to stretch out and I groped nervously for any words, right or not. 'So, do you, er, live in Cheltenham?'

    'That's it? That's your question?' He grinned, clearly delighted to be getting off so easily.

    'Yes,' I stubbornly replied; if I acted like that was the question I'd been dying to ask all along, maybe he wouldn't realise how tongue tied it made me when he gave me that dazzling smile of his. 'That's my question. Are you going to answer it?'

    'Sure. No, I don't live in Cheltenham.' His grin widened. 'There, I've answered your question.'

    'Yes, but you're supposed to elaborate.' Even the lame question I had managed to ask hadn't come out quite right; what I had meant to ask was where he lived, and I was sure he knew it as well as I did.

    'Am I?'

    'Yes, you are.'

    'Why don't you try asking another question?'

    'OK, fine, we'll do this the hard way. Where do you live? Happy now?'

    'Yes, much better, thank you. I live in Bristol, so not too far from here. But I'm not at home that much, I'm on the road most of the time working. There, is that elaborate enough for you?'

    'Hmm.. Not bad. It'll do for a start.' I couldn't stop smiling, surprised by how much I was enjoying his easy company. This wasn't anything like the intense conversations I'd had with Anthony; it was light-hearted and fun, and I didn't feel under pressure to make a good impression. George made me feel like just being myself was enough. I found myself warming to the questions game. 'OK, next question. Tell me how you became a bookmaker.'

    'I'm not sure that's fair, you getting another question. Surely it must be my turn?'

    'Indulge me.'

    'How can I refuse you anything?' I wasn't sure if it was his words or the way he was smiling at me that made me blush. 'My Dad was a bookmaker. He took me to the track with him every weekend since I was a kid, since before I can remember. I always loved it and I knew I'd take over from him one day; I've got no brothers or sisters so I had competition to fight off. I couldn't wait for him to retire, but he never got the chance.... He died. A massive stroke. I wasn't prepared; one day he was in rude health, then the next day he collapsed. They took him to hospital, but it was too late.'

    George paused, the hurt evident in his eyes behind the jokey exterior.

'I'm so sorry.' I was shocked to find my hand creeping across the table, tentatively reaching for his. He looked down incredulously as he twined his fingers with mine, a soft smile creeping back onto his face.

    'You don't need to be sorry; it was a long time ago. I took over the stand after he was gone and I've never looked back since. Then my Mum passed away last year and I needed a fresh start; I sold the old family home and I bought my house in Bristol, and I've lived there ever since.' He paused again, softly stoking the inside of my palm with his thumb. My hand felt right in his so I left it there, enjoying the sensation of his touch. 'Does that elaborate enough for you?'

    'Yes, that's much more like it.'

    'Good. Then it must be my turn again.'

    I tensed up as I wondered what he was going to ask. I wasn't sure I was up to any more difficult questions; the increasing pressure from his thumb was sending sparks of desire through me, making my mouth dry and thinking difficult. He studied me with a lazy smile and I braced myself.

     'What's your favourite colour?'

    I laughed out loud in relief. 'That's hardly a difficult one, is it?'

    'No, but I think we've both had enough of the difficult questions for now. Let's stick to the easy stuff. And besides, I've still got to convince you to come out with me again; I'm not going to risk that by getting too heavy on a first date.'

    'Is that what this is? A date?'

    'Well, yes, I think so ... At least I'd like it be, if that's OK with you?'

    'I guess it's a nicer way to put it than I'm here because you won me in a card game.'

    'You make it sound so sordid!'

    He looked at me indignantly, making me giggle. 'Hmm. You're right, it doesn't sound great, does it? I think we'll stick date then, if that's OK with you?'

    'Yes, fine. Good. Now we've got that cleared up, are you going to answer my question, or not?'

      'Yellow. My favourite colour is yellow. Happy?'

    'Yes, very good; thank you.'

    'So it must be my turn again now.' I thought for a moment, but decided to repay the favour and ask him something easy. 'How old are you?'

    'That's not fair ….. I thought we said no more difficult questions.'

    'What's difficult about that?'

    'I'm older than you; probably quite a lot older. That's what.' His smile faded and a strange expression crossed his face.

    'It doesn't matter to me.'

    'It might; I haven't answered yet.'

    'Come on then, get it over with; I answered your difficult question, it's only fair.' I knew he was older than me, but his reluctance made me wonder how much older exactly. I was determined to push for an answer.

    'OK, fine. I'd have to tell you at some point anyway. I'm thirty-four.'

    'That's not that old; you're hardly drawing your pension.'

    'No, but I'm guessing it's still a lot older than you. I hardly dare ask how old you are.'

    'Nineteen,' I replied.

    'Oh Christ, now I really feel like a dirty old man,' he groaned.

    'Don't be silly,' I giggled back at him. 'It's not that big an age gap.'

    'I haven't put you off, then?'

    'No. Not in the slightest.' I can't imagine anything putting me off you; I found myself thinking as he flashed me his dazzling smile again. I shifted in my seat, shocked at my own feelings and hoping they weren't visible to George. 'So,' I said to distract him, 'it must be your turn again.'

    'Yup. I need a minute to think up something extra difficult to get you back for that last one.'

    'That's not fair!'

    'You don't think so?'

    'No, definitely not; especially considering I've been OK about your elderliness.'

    'Ouch, OK, you win. How about you tell me about your greyhound; is that easy enough for you?'

    'Yes, that will do nicely.'

 

 

    George didn't ask any more difficult questions after that. They got sillier and sillier as the evening wore on and the wine flowed, until we eventually ended up at 'which is better, a pineapple or a mongoose?' (his) and 'is an ostrich a vehicle? (mine), both falling about in hysterics.  I was completely at ease in his company by the end of the evening and I don’t remember anyone ever making me laugh so much, not even Sammie or Shagger.

    We were still talking and laughing as the waiters cleared tables and tidied up around us. I suddenly realised that we were the only people left in the restaurant, and found myself wishing the evening didn't have to end. George obviously didn't want it too either; I was glad when he offered to walk me back to the B&B.

    ‘So, do you still want to know about the cards, the prial of threes?’ he asked as we got to Mrs Crabtree’s front door.

    ‘Yes, tell me.’

    ‘Are you coming out with me again?’

    I hesitated. I had had a good time tonight; he knew about Anthony and was still interested, he'd made me laugh so much my sides hurt and he had gone to a lot of effort to see me in the first place. But the heartache of the last year wasn't easy to forget. A big part of me still didn't want to risk feeling that way again. And I hadn't consciously made the decision to go out with George tonight, I'd taken the easy way out and let the cards decide. Now it was all down to me; if I agreed to a next time then it would definitely class as a date, with all its implications. I wished there was a way I could see him again without it feeling too pressurised, too date like. Suddenly, I had a flash of inspiration. ‘What are you doing a fortnight Saturday? 8th May?’

    ‘That’s Guinea’s weekend, I’ll be at Newmarket,’ he automatically replied.

    ‘Oh, OK, don’t worry…’

    ‘No, wait, why? Sorry, I wasn’t thinking …’ For the first time he was flustered as he cursed himself for his reply. He'd been so confident and sure of himself all night; I don't know why I suddenly found him so much more attractive when he was lost for words.

    ‘It’s my friend’s wedding. I’m bridesmaid, and I don’t have a date for the reception.’

    ‘No date? I find that hard to believe.'

    'No, honestly, no date.'

    'Well, if there's a vacancy then forget Newmarket, I'm there!'

    ‘But … don’t you have to work?’ I didn’t want him losing out because of me.

    ‘Not if there’s an opportunity to take you out again; as if I’d miss that. Here, take this.’ He fished into his pocket and handed me a piece of paper. 'My number. You can call me, let me know the address.'

    ‘OK, I will. And thank you for tonight, the meal and everything.’ I hesitated awkwardly by the B&B steps, unsure of how to say goodbye.

    ‘You’re most welcome. Oh, and Beth?’

    ‘Yes?’ He slowly took my face between his hands as I turned back towards him, kissing me tentatively on the lips. When I didn’t pull away he kissed me deeper, his tongue lazily exploring my mouth.

    I hadn't expected him to kiss me and for a second I was too stunned to move. His stubble grazed my chin and I caught the faint remains of his woody aftershave as he pulled me closer, deliciously filling my senses. My body was quicker to respond than my brain. Almost before I knew what I was doing I was arching into him, kissing him harder, pulling him tighter and tangling my fingers in his silky hair.

    ‘Oh wow,’ he gasped, coming up from air. ‘Might have to give it a minute before I can let you go.’ The sudden desire running through me was so unexpected that I contemplated dragging him back up to my room in the B&B for a dizzy second.

    The sobering possibility of Mrs Crabtree walking in the middle, demanding to know what all the noise was about, bought me back to my senses before I could give in to temptation. It was probably best to make him wait anyway.... ‘Safe now?’ I smiled instead, extricating myself reluctantly from his grip.

    ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be safe with you around.’ He grinned at me with that strange expression of his, the tenderness in his eyes that I couldn't quite work out.

    ‘I certainly hope not .... Goodnight. And thank you again.'

    ‘Goodnight, Beth.’ He was still grinning as he headed away down the street. I kept watching until he was almost out of sight. Just before he vanished from view I thought he turned back, flashing me yet another dazzling smile and blowing me a kiss. I peered after him, straining my eyes into the darkness, but he was gone and I couldn't be sure; it might have been a trick of the light, or my over active imagination.

    I sat on the B&B steps and smiled into the night, far too dazed to go inside. Whatever I'd expected from this evening, it certainly hadn't been to feel like this. I was glad now that I'd put my faith in the cards, trusted to fortune.

    'The die is cast,' I said aloud, to the empty street.

Chapters

14

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Shannon Stewart wrote 393 days ago

Why are you not published?

This is AMAZING! I love this character. Loved her even more for her flaws. Your writing is brilliant. Flawless. I love the present tense first person. Not a cliche, not a typo, nothing to suggest for improvement.

I only want to ask why you are not published already?

Baed on the first chapters, I would buy and recommend this book to everyone of my friends.

Thank you for giving me the chance to read it.

Shannon Stewart
Reconstruction

CGHarris wrote 452 days ago

I read through the Prologue and the first two chapters and what a fantastic page turner! I’m sure others have written this before me but I love that first line. This book grabs you and doesn’t let go. I loved the bit about defending the earth against the zombie spider invaders! Your imagery is fantastic and you dialogue is smooth, believable and natural. My only suggestion would be to change the cover art. It does not do this book justice. It looks more like a instructional manual for playing poker (no offence). Nothing wrong with that but you have top selling fiction novel on your hands! This is a great find and I can see why it has climbed so quickly. High stars and I wish you luck. I hope it makes it all the way to the editor’s desk.

Julio Guzman wrote 463 days ago

Hi Oktober :)

I was tempted to read this book the minute I fell in love with your pitch. The idea is so original yet classic! It's authors like you that draw a broader audience into reading Chick-lit. The prologue is really entertaining, full of dark humor and of course that chick-lit aroma. Your dialogue reads fast and easy, it didn't feel like I was reading at all (that's a good thing). This is definitely six star material so far!

Best of luck :)

GCleare wrote 462 days ago

What a great concept and a fabulous first sentence! (Best one i've read in ages.) Your pitch is well done, too. The first chapter drew me in and I will be back to read more soon as I finish my editing for the day...High Stars! Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 475 days ago

Dear Oktober

I read three chapters of "The Winning Hand" and only stopped because my daughter is due home soon. Grrr!

This is a clever premise, rather difficult to pull off. But you manage!

I want to buy this right now! So funny, I have a great big smile on my face. I love your humour, the not quite coherent ponderings of our MC. True to life, genuine and lovable, your writing is a joy. Zany, interesting and beautifully observed. No questions, except, "when will this be available?" Excellent stuff.

Fran xx :-)

patio wrote 176 days ago

In a nutshell, this is simple REMARKABLE. This book need the attention of a publisher, not a reviewer as what you get on here. Its ready to go. You going make big bucks from this.

Max stars

judoman wrote 341 days ago

This is good, it's is pacey and moves at a rapid rate on knotts. The pictures your works paint are vivid and strong.

Your are obviously a gifter writer. I look forward to reading on.

Dean

ROUGH JUSTICE
LADIES NIGHT

Wanttobeawriter wrote 352 days ago

THE WINNING HAND
This is a good read. I like the way Death is a real entity, watching and lurking and waiting. The way Bethany’s last thought is about her shoes is good. My kind of woman. I also like the way heaven turns out to be a beach party, not at all what I thought it was going to look like. The third thing I like about this book, and probably the most important, is your writing style. You really let a reader get inside your character’s head as she sifts through her thoughts. Should do well. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

fledglingowl wrote 366 days ago

Oktober,
Great beginning. Super hook that compels one to read the book. After the first three chapters, here is my critique.
RCG Review
Pitch: Love the cover and both pitches. Not sure of the tense for chose. The only thing that bothered me was the premise of three past husbands and a trilogy of novels over which to pick the right one. If time allows I will come back to look at a later chapter and see how its going.
Plot: Cute opening, love the friendly older neighbors. Can't figure out how old Beth is, maybe you said in chapter one but when she woke much younger, and with three dead husbands, I wondered if she was older too. Each chapter has great hooks.
Pacing: Quick and delightful.
Spelling/Grammar: I'm terrible at these, but I didn't catch anything as I read
Dialogue: Amazed how little there was in the first two chapters. Like the stream of consciousness, inner narrator though. Ch. 3, dialogue very effective.
Voice/Style: Fresh breezy, easy to read.
Characterization: Good job on Beth. Gabriel was the expected name for the angel. Love all the angel's escorting the hero back to earth, glad to see you have a new twist on the old 40's movies. If everyone made it to heaven, guess that's where her choice will be made.
Excellent job. High stars and good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 391 days ago

What a hook! It's a great first chapter. I had a few nits jotted down, about reining in (rather than reigning) and lying in wait (rather than laying) (unless she's a hen). Semi-colons are used randomly. But the chapter is just a GREAT opener. The first line is good enough to give me a creepy chill. Can't wait to read on! WL and lots of stars!

Elizabeth Buhmann
The Made-Up Man (http://www.authonomy.com/books/41698/the-made-up-man/)

Terence Brumpton wrote 392 days ago

This isn't my type of book, but i thought i would give it a go. It's a good idea and well thought out. Hard to find anything wrong with it .

Shannon Stewart wrote 393 days ago

Why are you not published?

This is AMAZING! I love this character. Loved her even more for her flaws. Your writing is brilliant. Flawless. I love the present tense first person. Not a cliche, not a typo, nothing to suggest for improvement.

I only want to ask why you are not published already?

Baed on the first chapters, I would buy and recommend this book to everyone of my friends.

Thank you for giving me the chance to read it.

Shannon Stewart
Reconstruction

Scott Toney wrote 394 days ago

{The Winning Hand}

Oktober,

Entertaining. Funny. Well written and thought out. I've just finished with your Prologue and am really enjoying your book. You have a good premise here and the style you use to describe her death is a lot of fun! I loved how she was looking at people and thinking of them asshe went to her death and I especially love how her final thoughts were about her Louboutins! I've gladly given you high stars and will return soon for a deeper read! Have a fantastic day and thank you for your time with my book and support of it as well!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Maria Constantine wrote 399 days ago

Powerful writing on different levels. The writer kept me on my toes as I wondered what was going to happen next; the first few chapters raced by as each chapter ended with a hook that propelled me to the next chapter. What was Beth going to find behind the wooden door? What would happen the next day when she would meet God? I also found the imagery vivid and unique eg the personification of Death to the extent that the reader could see and hear him - '..he raised his bony arms to welcome me, cackling with an ice-cold mirth'. Not to mention how Beth felt when she woke up in heaven - 'I feel like I'm wading through custard..' On more than one occasion I found myself smiling and warming to Beth eg the extent she went to avoid bumping into her neighbours, her last dying thoughts about her shoes and ultimately the fact that she has a clear voice that the reader can relate to.
High stars from me.
Maria (Georgina's Family)

sodyt wrote 401 days ago

Hi Okt.
Since becoming No 5 on the spotters list I have been inundated with books to read. God only knows how I will be able to get even the best of them all on to my shelf in due course. This means limiting any read to just a couple of chapters, but yours was so good I shot right along to chapter 10.
Superb opening and very stylish dialogue, not to mention the delicious turns and twists of your plotting.
Full stars for this and on my Wl awaiting the first hole on my shelf., probably in early May when the current criop are moved on. Congrats. Eric

rikasworld wrote 405 days ago

What a brilliant first chapter! I love the idea of charting Death's movements. So many nice comedy touches like the car that hits her being Kevved. I shall definitely try the excuse of defending the world from a zombie alien spider invasion to avoid going to any jubilee parties! I read the first few chapters until I got to the point where she was given the option of chosing who to spend eternity with. I had to know what was troubling her and who George, Anthony and Jack were. Six stars from me and staying on my watchlist to read more.

DerekTobin wrote 408 days ago

Hi Oktober
I really enjoyed reading this. Great premise - and very original too. It flows well and is a well manicured manuscript. Beth seems like an interesting protagonist and someone I could follow down the pages. I've made a few suggestions:
"plotted his course with military precision" - too much of a cliche description - I'd consider re-wording since the rest of the writing feels so fresh this sticks out I felt.
"granparents' funeral" - should be singular - "grandparent's funeral" unless they both happened to die at same time - that would be a top excuse.
"...hovering for a second to make sure his mission was fully complete" I would lose the "fully" it feels redundant.
I like the pitch. I think you should consider letting the reader know early on what age Beth is - ? in first chapter or perhaps in pitch - I know she's been married three times but it might just deepen early characterisation. Good work Oktober - 6 stars and on my watchlist for more and I will comment further as I read on.
Derek
The Angel Chord

SusanMK wrote 408 days ago

Hi Oktober

I'm a fellow member of the romance crit group. I'm normally allergic to books set in an afterlife, but i found your book a fun and engaging read. I read six chapters.

1) Pitch - liked it - no comments
2) Plot. I assumed at first that Beth'd meet all three husbands in this book, so I was a little surprised when I found out i had to wait for books 2 and 3 to see her meeting her later husbands. I was wondering whether you'd considered dealing with all three meetings in one novel? Otherwise the pacing could feel a bit slow.
3) Pacing. see above
4) Spelling/Grammar - very polished. Noticed one stray 2 in a chapter heading(not chapter 2)
5) Dialogue - snappy and as realistic as you can get in a fantasy novel. Really good.
6) Voice/Style & Characterization. I put these together as I felt that Beth needed to have a more sympathetic voice, I would have liked to have seen more vulnerability shown as well as her wisecracks. Maybe she could feel tearful about some of her dead husbands in the first chapters? Obviously I'm an unpublished writer so this is just my take.

Overall you should feel pleased about such a polished piece of work. I'll WL for future shelving.

Paul Beattie wrote 411 days ago

Not the type of novel I’d normally read, Oktober but I have to say I really enjoyed your opening chapters. The prose has an appealingly relaxed, informal feel which seems just right for this style of narration. Beth comes across as an extremely likeable, resourceful, realistically flawed individual, someone the reader can readily identify with and care about. Good use of internal monologue inserts to provide the reader with instant snapshots of Beth’s reasoning, emotions etc. Beth also comes across as extremely witty individual and there are some wonderfully inventive, engagingly offbeat lines (eg. ‘that isn’t the stomach I left behind in Worthing’ ‘I give him my best definitely-not-a-weirdo smile’) to add real energy and comic quirkiness to the piece. The comedy never feels forced or ‘authorial’ in tone, though, relying on character rather than slapstick or unrealistic banter for comic effect. Terrific stuff.

In terms of the nuts and bolts of the writing, this feels like a very polished piece of work. I noticed almost no typos or formatting errors (maybe swap ‘1940s’ for ‘1940’s’ and ‘uninterested’ for ‘disinterested’??) which makes for a very smooth, immersive read. Once or twice some of the word choice (eg. ‘keep my wits about me’, ‘come out unscathed’, ‘run the gauntlet’, ‘arms like lead’ etc) felt ever so slightly clichéd, which you may want to look at?? I know this is a first person narrative - and Beth may well use clichés etc when she speaks/thinks - but, because most of the narrative feels so fresh and original, when a word or phrase crops up that even resembles a cliché it does tend to jar. An easy fix, should you choose to do so, though.

The dialogue is particularly good. It’s real and purposeful and serves both to drive the scenes and flesh out the novel’s various characters. It’s also very funny in places, particularly when demonstrating Beth’s wry, almost world weary take on life. Nicely done. The incidental detail also feels very well judged with just enough background information to root the reader in the moment (eg. when Beth is being given shown round her new apartment by the Welcomer) without ever feeling clunky or slowing down the narrative.

The chapters themselves feel extremely well structured (very effective prologue with fabulously funny last line!!) with a good blend of action, dialogue and character introspection and subtle climactic plot hooks at the end of each chapter to encourage the reader to read on. The plot as a whole sounds inventive and multi-layered and, with its mix of drama, comedy, romance, escapist fantasy etc, should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

I was a little surprised when I realised Beth only meets husband number1 in The Winning Hand and the reader has to wait for books 2 and 3 to see her meeting her later husbands. (I’m assuming this is what you’re referring to in the last para of your blurb??) Plot-wise, this does sound slightly limiting and I was wondering whether you might consider incorporating all three meetings into one novel?? Then again, I’ve only read four chapters and maybe the plot becomes more expansive as the novel progresses??

In short, a very stylish, imaginative, terrifically funny opening. Highly starred and on my watchlist for further reading. Thanks and best of luck. P

SJ Blenman wrote 412 days ago

Hi Oktober. I thoroughly enjoyed reading up to chapter 4. It was funny, witty and a page turner. I found your writing style very easy to read and flowed really well.

Ok just a couple of personal points from a person who reads a fair bit but whose not a writer (yet) ...
In your long pitch, I think the Cheltenham bit may not be needed? Also I don't think it's wise to say that this is the first of three books whereby Beth is on a journey. As a buyer it would put me off ( I think) knowing that I would have to buy / read all three to get to the end? Perhaps write something humorous about the curse?
Hope this makes sense. Anyway, highly starred and backed!

Marita A. Hansen wrote 417 days ago

It's rare for me to click onto the following pages on Authonomy, but before I knew it I had read the prologue and the following two chapters, and if I didn't have work to do I would've kept reading. I love your concept, and I feel for Bethany, because what a horrible situation for her to be in to choose from three husbands, who she no doubt has a lot of feelings for. But it's a situation that had me turning those pages although I haven't gotten up to that part. No doubt once he meets God she will be told. At the moment, I'm most curious about George, her first husband, but I also want to know the differences between all three of them.

I like Beth, like her voice and find her predicament most interesting. I also like the fact that every part of her in death is the best that she was in life: hair from her teenage years, body and tan was from her time in Vegas... It's a clever idea to do this, and anyway, Heaven should be special :) Because of this I wonder what her husbands will look like. Anyway, I'll find out as I fully intend on reading more of your book, which is again something rare for me to do on this site. On April 1 (sorry about the timing, it isn't a joke:) I will back your book as I have a space available coming up. I don't change my bookshelf much and only put ones up there that I really like, which shows how much I like your book.

So far this is one of my top 5 reads on this site. I'll be giving you 6 stars.

P.S. I didn't find any problems with your writing, no typos that I noticed either. I was too caught up with your story. Again, excellent concept and also excellent plot and pace.

Shelby Z. wrote 432 days ago

This starts of really differently.
I don't know what to think of this idea, it is so different.
Your words flow well and you have a good pattern of style, which is plan to see.
I like the cover. The pitch seems a tad bit long, but that is okay.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving WInds

NyaRawlyns wrote 448 days ago

RGC critique: Chapter 3

"...instantly aware (of) sound..."
"With all my senses being assaulted at once..." Too wordy. Try "With my senses under assault..." instead.
thirty seven = thirty-seven
Ellipses
Passive voice: is forming
"...I might be (the) cause..."
Hmm, I like the shiftiness of Gabriel and what that portends. Mulling over needing a bathroom in heaven...
I also like the old-fashioned manner of speech of Mrs. Macey combined with her unrecognizable younger image.
You have an excellent sense of timing, rhythm, cadence. You've varied the sentences, the dialog is snappy, the inner musings not overdrawn - it's light and very readable. If I'm a publisher reading your first three, I'm thinking, "Hmm, better ask for a full on this."

NyaRawlyns wrote 448 days ago

RGC critique: chapter 2

Disconnect between the concept of 'hard floor' and silk cushions.
Option 2: so what does a delusion 'feel' like? Has she had one previously?
Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation and dropped periods.
Ellipses, there are rules. Might be useful to review.
Otherwise, a nicely tuned 'wake up from dying' scene with appropriate options running through her head. For emphasis, the line 'But why have I..." would work better on a line by itself - gives it 'punch'.

NyaRawlyns wrote 451 days ago

Review for the Romance Crit Group(RGC): Prologue

1) Pitch: This needs serious overhauling. It's too wordy (and badly worded), incorrectly punctuated and missing 'of'' between 'rest eternity'. Remember: the pitch is the first thing readers see.
2) Copy edit issues (spelling/grammar/punctuation): overuse & inappropriate use of semi-colons (4th para, 1st sentence), it's 'reined' not 'reigned'; 'lying in wait', not 'laying in wait'. This is the first chapter an editor sees. Make it pristine.
3) Pacing: I liked the tie-in with her wardrobe selection and final thought, the hint of a curse and how it impacts her relations with the neighbors - this all works very well.
4) Dialogue & plot: the prologue is mostly set-up, no complaints here
5) Voice/style: 1st person is appropriate and you changed up the sentence structure sufficiently to give a nice rhythm to the narrative (not too many "I did this..." "I did that...")
6) Characterization: Beth's an ordinary gal with a secret, we feel empathy and sympathy for her as she recalls what was a life-altering experience (no pun intended).
Primary recommendation at this point: fix the blurb, attend to the punctuation issues (because it matters from an editor's perspective and will disqualify this from further consideration). On my WL until I read further.

CGHarris wrote 452 days ago

I read through the Prologue and the first two chapters and what a fantastic page turner! I’m sure others have written this before me but I love that first line. This book grabs you and doesn’t let go. I loved the bit about defending the earth against the zombie spider invaders! Your imagery is fantastic and you dialogue is smooth, believable and natural. My only suggestion would be to change the cover art. It does not do this book justice. It looks more like a instructional manual for playing poker (no offence). Nothing wrong with that but you have top selling fiction novel on your hands! This is a great find and I can see why it has climbed so quickly. High stars and I wish you luck. I hope it makes it all the way to the editor’s desk.

Holpol wrote 459 days ago

Hi Oktober,

Firstly I would just like to say thank you so much for your comments of The Lady in White. I haven't recieved any for a couple of days and was starting to wonder where everyone was! I really appreciate it so much. Especially because they're so positive!

Now, about your book... You are such a great writer. You instantly hooked me in and I love the fact that it's not all fantasy but also Chick Lit, with a hint of comedy- I laughed out loud at her last thought before dying in chapter one! Hilarious! Your descriptions are great, i was imagining Death rubbing his hands together in glee. I love the second chapter. You keep the reader in suspense and adore the third where she meets everyone in Heaven.

You have such a great imagination, and looking forward to reading on. Very high stars from me! Well done!

Holly

Holpol wrote 459 days ago

Hi Oktober,

Firstly I would just like to say thank you so much for your comments of The Lady in White. I haven't recieved any for a couple of days and was starting to wonder where everyone was! I really appreciate it so much. Especially because they're so positive!

Now, about your book... You are such a great writer. You instantly hooked me in and I love the fact that it's not all fantasy but also Chick Lit, with a hint of comedy- I laughed out loud at her last thought before dying in chapter one! Hilarious! Your descriptions are great, i was imagining Death rubbing his hands together in glee. I love the second chapter. You keep the reader in suspense and adore the third where she meets everyone in Heaven.

You have such a great imagination, and looking forward to reading on. Very high stars from me! Well done!

Holly

GCleare wrote 462 days ago

What a great concept and a fabulous first sentence! (Best one i've read in ages.) Your pitch is well done, too. The first chapter drew me in and I will be back to read more soon as I finish my editing for the day...High Stars! Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Julio Guzman wrote 463 days ago

Hi Oktober :)

I was tempted to read this book the minute I fell in love with your pitch. The idea is so original yet classic! It's authors like you that draw a broader audience into reading Chick-lit. The prologue is really entertaining, full of dark humor and of course that chick-lit aroma. Your dialogue reads fast and easy, it didn't feel like I was reading at all (that's a good thing). This is definitely six star material so far!

Best of luck :)

Lynne Jones wrote 464 days ago

I like the concept of this book, and the structure, with Beth dying and retelling her life story works very well. It's a very interesting departure from the usual examples of this genre. You have a light, humorous touch and I like the contemporary atmosphere that is maintained even in Heaven. Good characters, well-paced and an easy read.

Eileen Kardos wrote 464 days ago

The pitch grabs me instantly with this unusual, daring and imaginative idea, and with just that first sentence.

With the first few lines of the first chapter, I already like the wit and intelligence here, and the black humour.

Now, I read too quickly sometimes I admit, but the pitch did indirectly raise my eyebrows – wait a second, all her husbands are dead? Then, some ways into the first chapter, our narrator says this is a curse – I’d definitely add a jokey phrase along those lines, to the pitch. It would raise the stakes greatly, and hook more people in. I'd skip the Celtenham etc details, in the pitch, not needed.

It’s a fine first chapter, with pace and set-up.

If I wanted one thing more, or different, it would be this: this is a lot about her neighbours intruding on her privacy, which is really not about the main plot, i.e. her marriage. The guy she fancies is relevant, the dead Exs are very relevant, her wanting to look sexy in clothes is relevant - but the old man and dinner-inviting lady, they are not really directy related to this theme, unless it’s more directly for match-making, for example. I was left wondering, what is going to be more important here, as a theme? Is it her privacy in an overly sociable neighbourhood, or is it her whole attitude towards relationships, and her marital history with men? Well it’s the latter of course. So I’d want that first chapter to be way more about men, why she dresses as she does to attract them, which men she thinks about, who she wants to avoid to spare his life, etc. I want the neighbours to reflect that, and mainly that. other stuff slows it down and throws red herrings / detours.

I love the way this chapter ends, with her being a fashion victim in her own mind, rather than a car accident victim. That is fantastic.

Your wit is excellent. Best of luck with this. Smart women will especially go for this story.

Best wishes from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

Nathan O'Hagan wrote 467 days ago

Judging by opening chapters, this well written work will appea; greatly to a mainstream/chick-lit type audience immensly, and doesn't really need much polishing to do so.
Skipped ahead to the call centre chapters, and they were very well done too, i was instantly transported back to my call centre days. Oh the horror :(
High stars.

L_MC wrote 468 days ago

Oktober, I like the premise of this MS. The SP and LP work, for me, although the LP gives information I'm not sure I need, like the disastrously early love affair and events in Cheltenham. I'd be just as intrigued and more focused on the hooks without that paragraph.

I was gripped from the very beginning and engrossed in this story. I like your style, it's very easy to read. When I read the part about the Louboutin shoes I just knew she'd end up regretting that decision and it gave the events that chick lit feel.

I have two issues with the prologue - first why is it a prologue? There was a change in tense but other than that it felt connected in time and events to chapter one so seemed as if it could be chapter one. Secondly, as the story is in first person from Bethany's point of view and she couldn't see Death, how was she able to narrate his movements and thoughts?

The countdown at the end of chapter one is a very effective hook and link into chapter two.

Seems to be missing a word in the first paragraph of chapter two, 'And I'm instantly aware sound, deafening in my ears...'

I like the present tense you've chosen. It feels pacey and I'm living each surprise/shock with Bethany.

This is fun and light yet it has a deeper core - how would any of us chose in those circumstances and how will Bethany be able to let go of the restrictions she has wrapped around herself to protect others from the perceived curse.

I have to leave reading for now but I am looking forward to getting back to this. Great opening chapters.

sensual elle wrote 470 days ago

>"Where the hell am I?" (chortling)

From the opening paragraphs, where Bethany tells us about her wardrobe (Marks & Spencer– on sale? and Louboutin!) to her conversation with God, this is a fun romp (I read that phrase in a real critic's review) and fine fantasy for us women. Three guys to drool/decide over? How delicious.

And how clever to build an industry: at least 3 novels out of an idea– or will it be four? One book to decide? Or is she going after Gabriel?

After all, the Lord of the Rings 'trilogy' produced 5 books and the 7 Harry Potter books wrought 8 films. (He loves me; he loves me not…)

This is very well written and… wait… A serious question occurs to me. What happens to breast implants? I remember my auntie saying she was going out lookin' fine, but do we get to wear those little springy boosts in heaven?

This book proved a major distraction when I have too much to read and I couldn't stop… But that means I was having fun reading it! Yeah! I love it!

It's well thought out and an easy book to get into. I highly recommend this and will keep it in my wait-list long after I cycle my shelf.

tojo wrote 470 days ago

I read a lot of books, any that are barely average or I do not like I leave quietly and do not comment. There is no problem with this imaginative easy reading well written book, sadly have to leave at chapter 13 have three more books to read. Well pleased to have this one on my shelf which will be there all this month.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

KirkH wrote 472 days ago

Hi Oktober,
You really have a great story here. The fact that you can make a chik-lit romance stretch into three books is good - and all for the fact that your MC Bethany has to make a choice which of her three deceased husbands she will be spending eternity with in heaven -thus you'll need time to write out all these relationships in future stories - clever.
There's a story in Germany about Aloisius, a porter at the Munich train station who suddenly dies and becomes an angel in heaven. He's frustrated trying to play the harp and wants to do something else. Finally God sends him on a mission to earth - to be a divine messenger for the Bavarian parlament - unfortunately, Aloisius gets distracted at the Oktoberfest and spends the rest of his days drinking beer in a tent - which explains why the parlamentarians never make wise decisions for its citizens!
I know heaven is probably something different but I like how you describe everything - in fact you write very well. There's actually a biblical reference where there will be no more marriage in heaven, but instead everyone there will live like the angels - but since this is British chick-lit, you had to add some earthly elemts to make the story a little jucier, and that's ok. It's very gripping and funny. Got up to chapter 5 actually. There's practically no mistakes so respect to your writing skills.
In chapter 4 - Distractions, I didn't understand the following quotaion, "More fool them, then! Maybe you (or Behtany) were referring to food. Hard to say. I'm not always on top of British humor (or humour).
Other than that I find it great. I hope more people will read this story. Had to back it.
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Zerin Mewa wrote 474 days ago

I love your style of writing, it's smooth and easy to follow, I like the first few paragraphs where Beth chooses the dolly shoes over the heels lol.. A good start well done, highly starred!

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 475 days ago

Dear Oktober

I read three chapters of "The Winning Hand" and only stopped because my daughter is due home soon. Grrr!

This is a clever premise, rather difficult to pull off. But you manage!

I want to buy this right now! So funny, I have a great big smile on my face. I love your humour, the not quite coherent ponderings of our MC. True to life, genuine and lovable, your writing is a joy. Zany, interesting and beautifully observed. No questions, except, "when will this be available?" Excellent stuff.

Fran xx :-)

canadian cowgirl wrote 476 days ago

Whew! What a choice, but I choose to shelve.

Wussyboy wrote 477 days ago

This is a fabulous entry to the chick-lit genre, Oktober, and a very original, entertaining concept too - Bethany dies because she wore the wrong shoes (lol!) and goes to Heaven (it can't be Hell, cos she's young and thin again, with a Vegas figure and tan!) to hear, from God Himself, that she must choose between the three men she loved in life. Tough call this, because she loved them all! I agree with Kat's comment below - this is superb work: well-crafted, wittily written, with fab dialogue and a sassy MC. I'd go straight on the forum with this ('introduce yourself') and post a few choice extracts to get the reads in.

6 stars, I loved it, will be back to read more.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

katjay wrote 480 days ago


The Winning Hand
Dear Oktober
Sorry to be so long getting back to you. I’ve been doing some editing and it’s taken up a lot of time. I’ve just read your first three chapters and I had to drag myself away to write a few words. The Winning Hand is absolutely brilliant! You got my vote as soon as I read the second line: ‘I had no idea that Death was at that very moment finding my name at the top of his to do list.’ Superb! You’ve got the lot here – an intriguing pitch, excellent premise, tight, well-written narrative and an engaging MC.
Beth is due to for her interview with God in the next chapter – so I HAVE to read more!
This deserves a wider audience than it seems to have gained so far, so get out and push it, Oktober!
Kat x Hens from Hell

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