Book Jacket

 

rank 319
word count 61459
date submitted 25.01.2012
date updated 20.03.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, Gay
classification: moderate
incomplete

CAPRITARE: Discovery

John Lucas Hargis

Starting over can be a good thing--unless you've already lived a thousand lifetimes, and still can't get it right.

 

Oblivion. Rebirth. Failure. Oblivion.

Capritare has no idea how many times he has repeated this sequence, but he knows it is time to end it. He is summoned from the pain and darkness of oblivion, and thrust into a lush world with others seeking the same freedom.

Seven cycles spread out before them. Through each one, Capritare and his friends must fight, explore, solve puzzles, and find love. Just when they master one cycle, the next follows quickly behind it. Every reset brings a transformation of their bodies: the addition of wings, antlers, tentacles, and other mysterious embellishments.

As the final cycle approaches, Capritare discovers the secret to the freedom he longs for. He is faced with one last decision that will determine his fate. If he chooses correctly, he will be set free to journey onward to a new, thriving land. If he makes the wrong choice, he will return—yet again—to oblivion.

 
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tags

anthropomorphism, coming of age, fantasy, fiction, gay, high fantasy, journey, magic, mythological creatures, mythology, nature, self awareness, sexua...

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Chapters

6

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6

 

“So, when I do this, it changes.” Nifer cupped her hands together and twisted them. Her embellished skin undulated as she did. The red petal-scales moved. Their pattern shifted and changed, becoming a maze with moving walls.

Racht likes to solve it with her finger. Wanna try?”

Did I ever.

“Sure, I answered.

“Watch what happens,” Racht said.

She held her hands still. I entered the maze at the small of her back and traced my way through its path. As my fingers walked around the hedges and moved upward, the color shifted from red to orange. When they climbed higher, the petal-walls turned to yellow, then green. As my fingers took their final step to exit onto her neck, the petals became blue. 

“Cool, huh?” Racht beamed at me.

Nifer peered over her shoulder and said, “Try to make your way back down.”

That was easy. But as I passed from blue to green, the path changed and my fingers hit a dead end. It was due to the twisting of hands no doubt. By orange, I was anticipating the pattern of the changes. The walls twitched right before realigning themselves, so I could guess where they would go next. My fingers made it through the last row of red walls and found their way out.

“That’s really amazing, Nifer.”

“Yeah, it’s cool. I can’t see it but I can feel the fingers going up my back. So I make the maze harder for them. I can’t say anything specific about my Rhynthyne, but they have some similarities… With the help of Racht’s fingers and a few more tries, I ought to get it open.

She slid past Izla to her worktable, and grabbed a pinch of something lying there in a pile. She held it out to me.

Here, take some of these.”

I extended my hand. Three of the petally, grass-like scales fluttered into my palm.

“They fall off all the time. No bald spots though, so I guess that’s okay. They do cool-Ess stuff if you play with em. Enjoy!”

*******

A fwisssh was followed by a second muffled fwisssh. Our Rhynthynes interacted through glass, and our two spaces became one. Izla’s eyelids and wings were drooping.

“Full day, huh?” I asked her.

“Absolutely. I had fun!” She yawned. “You have fun?” .

“I did! Thanks for the flight.”

“Thanks for carrying me back. And for letting me swim. I wasn’t sure if I should go without you. Since we’re Paired…”

“I didn’t mind. I enjoyed my time alone. You look tired, Tiny Bird. Going to sleep soon?”

“Yeah. I have to. You?”

“Nah. Not right away. I’m gonna work on this Rhynthyne.”

“Well, if you solve it, wake me up.” She crawled into bed, snuggling the softness of her Rhynthyne. “Good night, Capritare.”

“Good night, Izla.”

Had she even heard me before the waters of sleep washed over her?

I caressed Nifer’s maze-petals with my fingers. I separated them and slipped a petal into my Rhynthyne’s hole which seemed to shift its shape. A rainbow of light burst forth. My Rhynthyne transformed in front of my eyes as the second hole healed itself shut.

I saw Izla’s reflection in the smooth of its side. She was sleeping peacefully, and I didn’t want to disturb her. I hadn’t solved the whole thing—just one more part. I’d tell her in the morning.

But, she saw it before I could.

*******

“You didn’t wake me?” She looked hurt, wounded.

“I didn’t think I needed to. I mean, I still have another hole to go.” She softened under my hug. “Come on! Let’s work on yours, see if we can make some progress. The cycle’s ending soon.”

“I know.” A smile spread over her face, but I couldn’t discern if it was genuine or faked. “Okay.”

I sat on her bed with her. She held up her Rhynthyne, turned it around, pulled out the backwards feather. She slid it back in.

“Maybe if I trace it on your back, it will open.” Her words were level, but her tone was laced with jealousy.

I chose to ignore her statement.

“Hey, can you hold it up again? No. Point it towards me. There. See that?” I almost touched it by accident. “Look at the tip. I can see a little line there—a break in cloth.

“Oh yeah. I never noticed that before. Hmmm…” She stared at the tip up close. Her eyelashes tickled it. She pushed the tip, smelled it. Nothing happened.

“What if you twist it? Does it move?”

Her eyes widened. She kept unscrewing it until the tiny tip came off to reveal a hole similar to the one at the other end. The quillwhat if she…? She pushed the quill from the bottom. It disappeared inside and poked out the newfound hole at the far end. She pulled and out it came. The barbs had righted themselves. As we watched, the red drained out of the feather and it became pure white, then a rush of deep-orange bled back into it. The Rhynthyne split open to reveal its seed.

An engulfing hug of arms and legs and wings assaulted me. “Oh Capritare! You’re a genius! I never saw that seam before, but it must have been there all along.”

“You’re welcome. It was just there.  I spoke into her ear so close to me. Now what?”

She leaned back. We were face-to- face. I could smell the perfume of her breath, feel the heat of her body. Our transwalls were up. We were hidden. Did I want to kiss her? It was a celebratory moment after all. I’d kiss back if she started it. We paused in the tension. She was soft—too soft of a Tiny Bird.

She slid off me and studied her backwards-feather-turned-right.

I asked her, “Are you going to eat the seed?”

“I don’t know yet. I need to think. I’m gonna go to Hollow for a while. Okay?”

“Sure. Alone?”

“Yeah.”

Okay.”

She rose and slipped the seed into her pocket. I crawled over to my own bed in my own space. The center transwall went up.

Had I done something wrong? Was she jealous that Nifer had given me the petals that had solved part of my Rhynthyne? Should I have awakened her? But, she was fine before hugging me. Had she expected—wanted—me  to kiss her? Was it wrong of her to want that? Was it wrong of me to not kiss her?

Numb, I fumbled with my Rhynthyne. Who could I talk to? Neelid? Everyone had been moved. Everything had changed. I asked around for him. He was paired with a Pherasian. They were in the back-left corner, the next-to-the-last set of spaces. While the last two transwalls were open, Neelid’s were closed.

“Neelid? You in there?”

“Cap?”

“Yeah. Can we talk?”

I heard rustling and saw hurried shadows flicker on the glass. “Not a good time man.” Giggles. “Maybe later? I’ll come find you?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Pher! What had I interrupted? Their fondling of one another’s Rhynthynes?

I felt a need to be close to Olioli. I leaned against its wall and let myself go blank. Before long, the image of Izla’s feather turning white began looping in my mind. Her puzzle was solved. White feather. I needed to solve my own Rhynthyne. Choosing would happen the following evening. White feather. Not much time. White feather.

I opened my eyes. Others were filing through the corridor, cutting across Oli, and exiting towards the Firedrop ring. The Telling! Yram! I had forgotten. Where was Izla? I wanted to sit next to her. Our Pairing was ending soon. With no talking permitted after a Telling, I had only a few moments. Otherwise, my words would have to wait until the next morning. I jumped up and sprinted to the opening, sideswiping a few others on the way. Out under the sky, I scanned the faces and giftings. Wings—I was looking for wings. Then I found her. She was sitting quietly by herself, absorbed within her thoughts. I avoided stepping on tails, fins, and random appendages as I worked my way to her.

A large, armored guy was in my way. “Excuse me, I’m trying to get right there. Can you slide over ? She’s An Other to me.”

He grunted but made a space for me. Izla looked up and offered a solemn smile. The light of Lesser Moon revealed a redness encircling the blue of her eyes.

“How you doing? Wait. Don’t answer. Teacher will arrive any moment. I want to say I’m sorry. I’m pretty sure I hurt you and I’m pretty sure how. Really, honestly—I’m sorry.”

A richer smile spread. “It’s okay. It’s not really you. It’s me. There’s so much happening so quickly. I’m trying to figure out who I am, what I want.”

“We all are, I said.

I tried to help you solve your Rhynthyne but couldn’t. And then you figured out the key to mine so easily. You didn’t even have to touch it. You looked at it and discovered the answer.”

“But mine has more facets, Izla. It’s more complicated. And you did help me! Think about it. You fetched the Lablina for me. That solved one hole. Then, you introduced me to Nifer. If it wasn’t for you, the second hole would still be open. Actually, the only parts I have solved have been because of  your help.”

She was quiet, wheels turning. “Hmmmm… I guess you’re right. You pretty much need me.

“I do. You mean a lot to me, Izla. I’m glad we were friends first and then I got to be your An Other.” Careful now, I cautioned myself. Don’t wound her again. “Our Pairing ends tomorrow. We won’t be the same thing that we are now. I’m sure hoping we can continue to be amazing friends.”

“We will. I don’t know if I should say this to you—out loudbut I think you know it too.” Izla was on the verge of a confession. She paused, then began again with a stutter. “I—I don’t think that we are each other’s THE.”

Relief. Finally one of us had said it. We both felt it, but now the Lablina was out of its shell.

 “Thanks for having the acorns to say it! One of us needed to, I said.

Laughter. Peace. Reconciliation. An easy one, really. She slipped her tiny hand into mine.

I turned my attention to the flames of the Firedrop flickering through their sequence of colors: orange, green, violet. Day and night its flame soldiered on. Those who lingered nearby were warmed by it. The rain that wore down the stones of the courtyard had no power to douse it. Wood was never added. Ashes never formed. It burned and burned through the light of Older Sun and the light of Lesser Moon. It was a mystery. There were rumors of its origins, but speculations were all we had. Its source, and the energy that fueled it, were truths we weren’t born knowing. Yet it burned still, with all of our questions. Perhaps our lack of answers was what kept it aflame.

The concentric rings of bodies and voices circled around the Firedrop ring parted to make a path. A pair of Teachers ambled down it arm-in-arm. As they reached the inner ring, they parted and took their places on either side of the fire. Facing one another, they began.

Once there was one who had solved her second Rhynthyne and found herself upon her third Choosing. Pheras had been chosen first. Then Pheras again for the second time. Two times in a row was the limit. The Rule of Rejection breathed heavily into her face, pressed into her breast. If she did not choose to eat the seed and become a Pherasian forever, she would not be allowed to choose Pheras this time around. She was confused. She believed herself to be mostly Pherasian, but was that untested belief enough? She had never tasted another Ogen’s offering. What would be the delicacies of Yramid or Esque? Would she taste them or let them go unsavored?

Once there was one who could not make up his mind. For, he was not sure yet who he was. From one Choosing to the next, he cycled through the Ogen: wings, armor, an extra eye no one could see, journeys to Lake, Forest, Ridge. He sampled it all and grew partial to none. The multitude of flavors tickled his inner tongue. He did not want to commit or make a final choice. He wished upon Younger Sun / Higher Moon that he would never have to decide.

She struggled right into the Choosing without an inkling as to which way she should go. Pherasian forever? Or something else?

He found himself at the end of the seven cycles without an inkling as to which way he should go. Pledge one now? Or return to oblivion with the hope of being born again?

She chose to nibble on Yramid. She liked what she tasted, but tried Esque and Pheras again, just to make sure. Then, in the final cycle, she ate Yramid’s seed.

He weighed all that he had learned and, not wanting to return to oblivion, he chose a covenant with Pheras.

And were it not for their experiences and trouble of choices, they would not have found one another. They would not have discovered who they were inside, or risen to the place where they each were ready for THE. Yet when the time came, they were ready.”

The Teachers stopped addressing us and locked solely on one another. Fire arced between them across the negative space above Firedrop, outshining the quivering rhythm of orange, green, and violet. With their eyes only on one another, they followed the curve of their quarter circle to meet in the middle, locked arms and passed through the sea of pensive faces.

We could not talk, but we could touch. We returned to our space, chain-linked, arm-in-arm. We were both quiet, both thinking. My thoughts were on many things at once: Izla, our pairing, the next Choosing, my choice, the pesky third hole. If I didn’t solve it, I would have to be Yramidian again.

We silently, instinctively, dismissed our third wall so that we could spend our last night together. I studied Izla. Her eyes were so blue. Her wings were so lovely. Her smile reminded me of the curve of the Lablina’s shell. Her lips were deep-red like a belt of vine. Our Pairing was like warm rain diving deep into the cold of Lake. Our time was seeping fast.

She slept. I fingered my Rhynthyne. I needed to discover what it’s last hole was craving. I didn’t want to spend my cycles bouncing from one Ogen to another only to end up not knowing who I was. I also did not want to vow to an Ogen until I was sure that commitment honored my First Name.

Those thoughts slapped me with fitful dreams. In one, I was balancing on the skyward tip of Chall, reaching upward to touch YSHM. I stretched and stretched but could not touch it. There was a blast of wind and I began slipping. I teetered on the choices: fall, jump or grow wings. Then my toes left their perch.

*******

“I think I might choose Pheras again,” Izla said. I know I’ll be forced with dealing with the Rule of Rejection like the girl in the myth. But I feel like that’s where I’m at right now.”

“Well, it looks I’ll get stuck with Yramid. This Pher thing isn’t gonna open in time.”

“Hey, your wall hasn’t dropped yet! Don’t give up. It could take all day for

Fwisssh. Our common transwall closed. My personal wall was still up. That meant that it was time for Izla to go. Did Pairings visit the Ogen back-to-back?

I called through the wall, “Make the most of it Izla! The next cycle begins!”

A muffled reply, “Thanks. You too. You’ll know what to do when it’s time. Solve that Rhynthyne!” I saw her shadow fly across my wall.

I sat there—enclosed—alone with my Rhynthyne. I had to solve it. I wanted a choice. I rubbed my fingers over the two closed sides. The Lablina had closed the one like a healed wound. Petals had closed the other. They were both shifty things, changing things. What else? The Lablina had still been warm and pulsing. Were the petals still alive? They had possessed something like life within themselves. Alive. Did that matter? What else? I stuck my middle finger deep in the hole. It was still conical inside, still pointed. The Lablina hole had been crescent shaped. It had reminded me of the shell and that’s why I had tried it. The petal hole had been amorphous, changing. When I saw the moving maze and color flashes, I had instantly thought of that hole. What did I possess that was long and pointed?

Lablina was from Lake. Seraph had thought to use it. Izla had fetched it. The petals were from Nifer. They were part of her gifting. Racht liked to trace her way through the labyrinth. What else? They both were gifted to me in a way. Had I received any more gifts? Only my hooves and strong legs from Yramid. That was a dead-end, so I switched my thoughts.

Pheras ruled over the Lake. Water, Seraph, Izla, the Lablina—they were all Pherasian. Nifer, her maze, and the petal-blades were all of Esque. Was there one hole for each Ogen? If so, the last one belonged to Yramid. My hooves wouldn’t fit. What about fur from my leg? I yanked out a clump. Ouch. I inserted it into the hole, but nothing happened. Time was running out. What else did I have from Yramid? I had costume supplies from Forest. I had already tried the bark from Chall. What about a gill from the toadstools? I lifted the hatch and heard a simultaneous fwisssh.

Oh no! No! Hatch. Not toadstool. Point! Neelid’s point! Time to go. I grabbed the antler stub and my Rhynthyne. Out the door. Fumbled to orient the point. Twisted to find the final hole. I entered the corridor. My clop clop echoed in the tight tunnel. I jammed the point into the hole as my hooves hit the stone of Oli.

There was a surge of heat, a flash of silver. It worked! My Rhynthyne was solved! It separated at its three corners, and each of the three sides hinged at the base. A seed appeared—an orange seed. The transwall into Olioli disappeared and the Ogen sucked me in.

*******

Chapters

6

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BabyStar wrote 416 days ago

Not being my usual genre I wondered at first if I would struggle to understand or maintain interest in a book such as this but I needn’t have worried! This is excellent writing. Really, really good. I love the phrases such as “iridescence of a gem infused with starlight” and “I inhaled the sky – a blue the colour of dreams”. And the paragraphs of short sentences. A great, original style. Vivid, detailed descriptions mean you can visualise Capritare’s world, wherever and whatever that may be.

The characters are good too. Capritare comes across as quite insecure and vulnerable, which creates necessary empathy. You want him to do well and attain his goal of Completion. A well-formed bond with Neelid. A possible future with Izla. Caring about the characters means you want to read on more.

The only thing I was a little confused about was the rhynthyne. It contains a seed which could hinder Completion, but what are the benefits of eating it? What do you do with it if you don’t eat it?

From a technical point of view I would say, in my humble opinion, that this is pretty much spot on.

Already on my shelf and stars given!

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 438 days ago

**************** 3/8 - 3/15/12 - NEW & IMPROVED versions of ALL Chapters! *********************

It features:
- [Hopefully] a better hook!
- Previously lacking explanations/definitions for those pesky Cap-centric terms
- Better descriptions to help acclimate the reader to Capritare's amazing world

If I have succeeded, it provides all these new bonus features without unnecessary info-dumps! ;)

::: For my returning readers, please let me know what you think of the changes.
::: For first-time readers, trust me--it's a good thing you waited!

~Lucas

scavola wrote 439 days ago

I love this world that JLH created, so unique, fun, peaceful, and magical. The characters are lovable and you feel like you're with them on their journey. The writing is perfect, augmented by his ingenuity, it's such a marvel. There's so much meaning in the story, beyond my comprehension, but you can feel its wisdom. I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment.

AuroraNemesis wrote 460 days ago

The first three paragraphs had me hooked. Don’t take this the wrong way (I love Shakespeare.) I felt as though I was in a scene from midsummer night’s dream, ethereal.
I could close my eyes and see the scene, hear the voices, feel the fire.
This is like the tales of old, Arthur and his knights, or Beowulf.
Your writing is soft and flowing. It follows a strong course and is woven with great description.
You have an excellent grasp of language and the written word, a bard. (Sorry Shakespeare again)
You manage to use all your senses and create a believable world.
I didn’t notice and errors or grammar mistakes, which made me, quiet envious.
Really enjoyed your story and will check out some more.

Greenleaf wrote 465 days ago

Hi John,

You asked me to critique your book with a really objective eye, and to give you honest and hopefully helpful feedback. So far I’ve only read the first two chapters. I don’t normally read much fantasy (except for Harry Potter), and I didn’t know what to expect. I have to say that I was very pleasantly surprised.

Your opening was really good. It drew me into this strange world without getting bogged down with a lot of back story or set-up. You painted this unique setting and bizarre characters with expertise that I didn’t expect. What a great way to engage the reader and also describe the characters’ backgrounds and descriptions: have them talk about themselves to a group of strangers gathered around a campfire.

I never got bored. Your descriptions are full of sensory detail—sights (horns, spikes, etc.), sounds (voices, wind and fire, tree-song), smells (musk, sweet air-borne perfume), touch (hard stone pressed into my back). Full example: She placed a purple shell into my hand. Its wetness contrasted with the searing heat in my side.

You use good, strong, verbs: slammed, erupted, punched, jerked, rammed, ignited, scooped, streamed, ignited, crept, shaded, whizzed, etc.

The dialogue seems fitting for the unusual characters. Each character is unique in voice and description.

Your grammar and punctuation are very good. I didn't notice any errors. Overall, I think it's really good work.

At this point I don’t know where the story will take me, but I will keep reading to find out. I’ll post more comments as I go along.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Seringapatam wrote 53 days ago

John, As much as I read and read this, it was far too complicated and confusing for me. with that said and when I continued to read it, I have to say that this is the third book today that I have found to be so intelligently written. I applaud you as this is a talent in this genre. I think for the right audience, this is going to be an out and out winner. You have a brilliant flow but most of all you have sold your characters so spot on. I can only wish you luck with this but I have to admit I did get into it a little. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

CarolinaAl wrote 343 days ago

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A mesmerizing start. Cap is an engaging, though insecure, central character. Sensational world building. Striking imagery. Not as much tension as I would like. Leisurely pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'I could smell the scent, feel the enticement.' When you mention 'scent', try to characterize it. When you are specific about the aroma, you'll pull the reader further into the scene. Also, try to avoid using the verb 'feel.' Just describe his enticement so vividly the reader will experience it along with Cap. By doing this, you'll immerse the reader further in your scene.
2) 'I felt the simultaneous sting of pleasure and excrutiating pain.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his pleausre/pain so realistically the reader will experience both along with Cap. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into the scene. There are more cases in this chapter where you use the word 'felt.'
3) 'Fear overwhelmed me' is telling. Consider showing the onset of his fear and it building to overwhelming proportions.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "I see what you men," she said. 'Men' should be 'mean'.
2) 'As I stepped off the stones of the courtyard onto the warmth of the ground, I felt strength pulse through my legs, felt it forcing up to me from the soil.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the infusion of strength so vividly the reader will experience it along with Cap. When you do this, the reader will become more involved in the scene.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) Consider briefly setting the scene at the beginning of this chapter. Readers seldom read a book straight through. When they pause, they usually stop at the end of a chapter. As a result, we must reorient the reader (who may have been away from the book for a while) at the beginning of each chapter.
2) 'A small bubble of bright red flesh was doming over my wound.' Consider replacing 'was doming' with 'domed'.
3) 'I felt my face flush.' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the heat in his cheeks so realistically that the reader will experience it along with Cap. Doing this will put the reader deeper into your scene. There is another use of 'felt' in this chapter.
4) "I don't know if I said it, but thanks Neel." Comma after 'thanks.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
5) 'For some reason, I found myself blushing.' This scene is written from Cap's point of view. He can't see himself blush, though he cane xperience heated cheeks.
6) 'I could smell sap and the scent of living trunk on my breath ... ' when you mention smell and/or scent, try to characterize it. What does the sap smell like? Pine? Truffle? Walnuts? Lemon? Strawberries? When you characterize scent, you pull the reader deeper into your scene.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, John.

Al

Emma B wrote 348 days ago

Colour, sound, taste, smell, touch. You use these senses to describe, in some of the most unusual and beautiful ways i've read, body, scene, emotion.
Where Capritare wakes up has rules and structure, bringing to life the world he now lives in and i really enjoyed learning about them, and the fact there are more i don't know in each cycle. It's original and captivating.
When Cap is injured in the forest, the scene was really intense and gripping, and i felt protective, almost like i formed a bond with him.
Your writing as a whole is sensual and fluid. Desire comes in differently, desire for An other, for THE, it's easily understood and explained. This world has no barriers, other than the ones written, the real worlds barriers were forgotten as i read on.
When Cap goes into Ogan after the first cycle, his need for Esque but taking pherasian instead was a heady scene, and one of my favorites, so far.
I have read up to cycle three, and i can see the world you write, feel how your characters feel, you do a wonderful job and must have every single flower, lake, gift, ect scorched into your soul.
I am looking forward to finding out why Seraph is angry about Cap, and who has the new gift and how powerful it really is.
I thought about this book, James Herbert, 'Once'. It's nothing like your book, but it is a fantasy, an adult one. And i do feel like i can see in backgrounds at flourish and scattered throughout, something more? Just an observation really.
this is an amazing book, I couldn't put down.
All the best Emma

JamesRevoir wrote 372 days ago

Hello John:

I read through the first chapter of Capritare, and Wow! What a gift you have for evocative descriptiveness! Your writing is unmatched in terms of your ability to stimulate all the senses, and throughout exudes a poetic, dreamlike quality.

Well done!

James

Tarzan For Real wrote 378 days ago

HP Lovecraft is smiling in his crypt or in his Cthulu Mythos with "Capritare: Discovery". I can't help but think of the dark poem "The Great God Pan" when I read the opening chapter. Character development and tension begin early and flow on into the next chapters. The story is so strong I overlook an occasional typo and phrase. It's the creative aspect of this that are so appealing. I will take notes and give a more thorough review but the work is solid. Good job.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Goonerpat wrote 380 days ago

comments on mayhem

Rebecca Tester wrote 384 days ago

Brilliant, brilliant. Great hook there. Interaction between characters (while seemingly homoerotic-not sure just yet if you intended that) was pleasant to read.

That said, you'll want to watch for a hanging quote in your first chapter as Cap describes his experience with the Ogen to the others at the fire. You should also watch for how he describes the words of others. It's something of a pet peeve of mine when authors say "and he was hot stuff" instead of letting me figuring that out on my own. Descriptions are okay, but it's the subjective words I mind. However, this is also a case of your character describing others, so the description mostly fits into building his character. That said, I didn't find the words of these other characters at the fire all that mesmerizing.

Since they've gone through this thousands of times and everyone knows who the Ogen are and what oblivion and completion are, why does everyone describe pretty much the same thing in the beginning? What good is it to talk about it when it's obvious by the appearance of said characters which Ogen they picked? Might it make more sense to have them sit quietly in camaraderie, discuss why they picked whoever they did or how they'd like to do it differently this time around?

liberscriptus wrote 403 days ago

Reread the first chapter! And the opening is definitely clearer now, with the explanations woven into the narrative in a way that makes things easier to pick up.

BabyStar wrote 416 days ago

Not being my usual genre I wondered at first if I would struggle to understand or maintain interest in a book such as this but I needn’t have worried! This is excellent writing. Really, really good. I love the phrases such as “iridescence of a gem infused with starlight” and “I inhaled the sky – a blue the colour of dreams”. And the paragraphs of short sentences. A great, original style. Vivid, detailed descriptions mean you can visualise Capritare’s world, wherever and whatever that may be.

The characters are good too. Capritare comes across as quite insecure and vulnerable, which creates necessary empathy. You want him to do well and attain his goal of Completion. A well-formed bond with Neelid. A possible future with Izla. Caring about the characters means you want to read on more.

The only thing I was a little confused about was the rhynthyne. It contains a seed which could hinder Completion, but what are the benefits of eating it? What do you do with it if you don’t eat it?

From a technical point of view I would say, in my humble opinion, that this is pretty much spot on.

Already on my shelf and stars given!

E. Yazykova wrote 418 days ago

Hey John! here for our read-swap. When I started reading, I was a little overwhelmed with the jargon of this world, but as I read on, things started to become clearer. Your opening was what drew me initially, but I'm not sure that I'm qualified to comment on this kind of niche writing - popular fiction writer, myself. Still, I will do my best.
I have to say that the premise made me curious, and I'm a sucker for the hooves. You write with a flourish, some very beautiful descriptions there like "spring transformed into breath" and "sweet, airbourne perfume". I'll tell you the truth that the multitude of personalities and auras overwhelmed throughout as I'm used to more straighforward writing. My favorite moments all belonged to interactions between Capritare and Neelid, they provided clarity and sweetness to the read, and I can see how the tension between them can carry the story forward. I think the dialogue needs more conflict and the writing needs some trimming and focus. Throughout the read I could see that you're very invested in the world, and have put a lot of time and thought into creating it. However, the best parts, for me, were when Capritare talked about his challenges or interacted with Neelid, because I could see personality and drive. If I'm not mistaken, this is his first cycle, but we need to already see more backbone and less flash-backs to his feelings and transformation. I'm interested in his fate, that much is true, but I feel as though his character could be pushed more - the "chase him up the tree, throw rocks at him, and then light the tree on fire" principle could do this character a lot of good. I feel that I need friction with other "players", and while bonds of friendship is obviously very important in this work, I need to know who is in his way to fulfillment, to comletion. The bulk of interest in fiction is watching situations in which the characters we know are put in the situations they're extremely uncomfortable in. Make a germaphob clean a public restroom, make a janitor inherit the throne - these are obviously crude examples, but I hope you see what I mean.
The story veered into focus every time I encountered a shred of conflict, and as one of my favorite books on writing say, "the dialogue has to read as though one speaker is trying to outfox the other, even if the conversation is friendly."
I tend to ramble, and I apologize. This is, of course, my humblest opinion of a writer that writes in a different genre - simply thoughts that occured to me while I read. Best of luck with this!

Elena - "Oko"

ValerieWillis wrote 429 days ago

Chapter One Review: ^_^

((Might be spoilers from Chapter one in this FYI))

Your writing in this first Chapter is smooth, I did not find myself stumbling at all! Love the way you chose to lead the readers in and take advantage of hinting and sharing the expanse of character types possible as well as a little on what they are all involved in. Reminds me a lot of a video game world come to life. These are characters created and destroyed and all aiming to hit "completion" and have to 'solve puzzles' caught my interest a lot, especially since I love video games.

The first scene you start with is intense, and I absolutely soaked it in.

The way the storytelling revealed all the appearances was a very nice touch.

Cap's doubt in his decision in choosing an Ogen leaked here leaves the reader wondering and wanting to know more.

Love the shirt and antler scene!

The words and the way you described the Ogen's was phenomenal. I love the use of starlight, flowers and so forth. It was executed perfectly I think, and gave the Godly sensation and all powering feel.

Rhynthyme and the way you touched on how it works and unspoken rules feel. The no one is suppose to see it unless you're in a pairing and so on.

Also want to let you know I really like Cap's admiration and attraction that is being hinted in a way in the Chapter. As a female reader I enjoy those kind of things coming into play from time to time ^_~ ~!

Will have to come back and dabble in more reads! Hope this helped out! And best of Luck to you Lucas!

ZoeSelina wrote 434 days ago

This is an interesting idea in quite a niche genre, and I feel that I'm quite out of my comfort zone in reviewing it. So please take my comments with a pinch of salt, and reject anything that doesn't resonate with you.

I feel that the opening is perhaps a tad overwritten, and I say this as someone who suffers from the same problem. You've read my book, and you might have seen what I mean. In the edit I'm doing now, I'm working hard to really pare down the writing so that the beauty can shine through, and I would say that perhaps you could stand to do the same. Your writing is very poetic, but sometimes feels as if you're trying a bit too hard. Again, I am prone to this problem too.

Your opening introduced a few too many characters before I had a chance to know anything about the narrator, and this didn't work too well for me. I would have liked to know who the narrator is before I can relate his thoughts regarding those around him.

I hope you'll take this as constructive rather than negative. I think your writing is lovely, and you have strong skills to build on. Good luck going forward.

Emily Rebecca wrote 437 days ago

Edited comment:
The repositioning of Capritare's return from oblivion makes the beginning flow much better and creates a nicer hook.

Onto the next chapter! :-)

Original comment:
My thoughts on the first chapter:

First of all, your writing is beautiful. Your descriptions are well done and stay away from the cliches so many of us gravitate toward. Well done.

I didn't read the first draft, so I'm not sure how it differs from this one, but I felt engaged during Capritare's story. My only suggestion would be to make his 'story' part of the action rather than a retelling. Compared to the other stories, it was much longer and poetic, lending itself more to regular narration instead of dialogue. (If this makes sense.) The contrast between his storytelling and his normal speaking pattern made his dialogue with Neelid a bit jarring.

Overall, I'm enjoying this. ;-)

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 438 days ago

**************** 3/8 - 3/15/12 - NEW & IMPROVED versions of ALL Chapters! *********************

It features:
- [Hopefully] a better hook!
- Previously lacking explanations/definitions for those pesky Cap-centric terms
- Better descriptions to help acclimate the reader to Capritare's amazing world

If I have succeeded, it provides all these new bonus features without unnecessary info-dumps! ;)

::: For my returning readers, please let me know what you think of the changes.
::: For first-time readers, trust me--it's a good thing you waited!

~Lucas

scavola wrote 439 days ago

I love this world that JLH created, so unique, fun, peaceful, and magical. The characters are lovable and you feel like you're with them on their journey. The writing is perfect, augmented by his ingenuity, it's such a marvel. There's so much meaning in the story, beyond my comprehension, but you can feel its wisdom. I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment.

jlsimpson wrote 441 days ago

What a dreamy, gentle story. I know there is fighting, and pain in it but it reads like a fairytale and feels like it should be illustrated in silvers and blues.

dreamsearcher wrote 441 days ago

WOWSERS! That was intense! This is definitely going on both my watchlist and my bookshelf! And I will, somehow, be finding time to read more. I just hope you find mine even marginally as enthralling as I find yours.

blessed be,

maradjen

nenno wrote 451 days ago

This is not my taste but backed it because good writing is good writing. You are a good writer and I am sure you could do well with this. All the best.

liberscriptus wrote 452 days ago

Hi John,
First, let me begin with a disclaimer: I don't usually read fantasy, so I'm a little out of my element. That being said, I think you do a good job of appealing to a broad audience with your fluid language and vivid descriptions. I've read six chapters so far and I think the world you've set up is fascinating - the idea of rebirth and the search for a soulmate. The narrative is beautifully written, and the dialogue feels natural and familiar (I love the way you substitute your own terms when your characters are cursing).

Maybe it's because I'm in unfamiliar territory, but I feel as though it's a little hard to understand what's going on sometimes because of the Capritare-specific terminology, and since you're aiming for a YA audience (who have very short attention spans, if my 16-year-old sister and her friends are any indcator), I think the narrative might benefit from a few more spelled-out explanations. You do a good job of telling the audience about the big picture - the cycles and all - but I found myself confused about the details like the Rhynetyne. I think it's noble of you to treat your audience so intelligently, but not all of us are smart enough to figure everything out from context, so a few definitions might be helpful ;-)

Also, it wasn't clear to me that Capritare and the others were humans with embellishments until I got a bit further in (I thought they were talking animals!). And I was confused about the ages of the characters - are they perpetual youths? Don't get me wrong - I think it's great that dive right into the story and avoid cumbersome back stories, but it might be easier for audiences to connect with the universe if there's a bit more set-up.

Anyhow, my uneducated confusion aside, I think the story is fantastic. The scenes really come to life with all the sensory details, and the characters are great fun to read about. The opening really drew me in, and I think the premise you've got is truly unique. You have a hell of an imagination! The narrative never gets tedious, and the writing is impeccable. I've starred it for now, and I'll be coming back to finish it the first chance I get - I want to know where all this is going!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project.

Shnoowie wrote 456 days ago

Really enjoyed reading Capritare. I found the first chapter very eloquent and well written, though was slightly confused by the references to numerous characters until I read more.
Looking forward to Beyond Breyome now!

Johanna

AuroraNemesis wrote 460 days ago

The first three paragraphs had me hooked. Don’t take this the wrong way (I love Shakespeare.) I felt as though I was in a scene from midsummer night’s dream, ethereal.
I could close my eyes and see the scene, hear the voices, feel the fire.
This is like the tales of old, Arthur and his knights, or Beowulf.
Your writing is soft and flowing. It follows a strong course and is woven with great description.
You have an excellent grasp of language and the written word, a bard. (Sorry Shakespeare again)
You manage to use all your senses and create a believable world.
I didn’t notice and errors or grammar mistakes, which made me, quiet envious.
Really enjoyed your story and will check out some more.

lizjrnm wrote 460 days ago

So far this is easy to support - your writing is quite deep and with a magical feel that makes for great fantasy fiction, the kind I am jealous I cannot write. I realize it doesn't make-up for the impersonal i-phone message you recieved from the agent but I have shelved your book and will comment more when I have read more and looked up some of your words in the dictionary. :)

Liz
The Cheech Room

Dave Hoffer wrote 464 days ago

The first thing that struck me was the beatiful prose. The descriptions you provide of the characters are descriptive and bring them to life. I especially appreciated the introduction to Yramid. You have a great hook (who are these ogen, and what are these cyles). It did take a second reading of the first chapter for it all to sink in, which isn't a critique, you have created a very different world and it took a second read (for me at least) to better understand the context. I found the second more enoyable once I had some understanding of what was happening. I've backed and given it highest rating. Thanks!

Dave Hoffer

Greenleaf wrote 465 days ago

Hi John,

You asked me to critique your book with a really objective eye, and to give you honest and hopefully helpful feedback. So far I’ve only read the first two chapters. I don’t normally read much fantasy (except for Harry Potter), and I didn’t know what to expect. I have to say that I was very pleasantly surprised.

Your opening was really good. It drew me into this strange world without getting bogged down with a lot of back story or set-up. You painted this unique setting and bizarre characters with expertise that I didn’t expect. What a great way to engage the reader and also describe the characters’ backgrounds and descriptions: have them talk about themselves to a group of strangers gathered around a campfire.

I never got bored. Your descriptions are full of sensory detail—sights (horns, spikes, etc.), sounds (voices, wind and fire, tree-song), smells (musk, sweet air-borne perfume), touch (hard stone pressed into my back). Full example: She placed a purple shell into my hand. Its wetness contrasted with the searing heat in my side.

You use good, strong, verbs: slammed, erupted, punched, jerked, rammed, ignited, scooped, streamed, ignited, crept, shaded, whizzed, etc.

The dialogue seems fitting for the unusual characters. Each character is unique in voice and description.

Your grammar and punctuation are very good. I didn't notice any errors. Overall, I think it's really good work.

At this point I don’t know where the story will take me, but I will keep reading to find out. I’ll post more comments as I go along.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Earth Countess Rose wrote 467 days ago

Hi, an AWB crit for you, just as promised :) As with all the crits we do, please remember I am not a professional editor or agent, therefore the comments made are my personal views only. Disregard as you see fit.

I've only managed to read up to the end of Chapter 4 so far - blasted real world shackles, so these comments are based purely on these Chapters.

First, and foremost, you have a lovely flow to your work, that captivated me immediately. I know some commentators here have suggested the immediacy of the story, where we are thrown into what is happening, is confusing. I have to be honest in that I liked it. It grabbed me as the reader and threw me, quite literally, straight into what was happening. I think the essential questions of that sceanrio are answered quickly enough for the reader to carry on, so personally I don't have an issue with it.

Down to the nitty-gritty then.

Short pitch - The expression "sorting through" jarred me a little, and didn't fit with the rest of your intriguing pitch - maybe "resolving the ongoing issue" or something along those lines perhaps?

Long pitch - You don't need the repetition of "Capritare" in the second paragraph - it would be tighter if it was simply "Pheras tempts with the power".

Chapter One - I think you've missed an opportunity part way through. It may be that the descriptions come later, but you desribe where Izla describes the Esque giftings with her hands - I wanted to know more about what they are. You go into some detail elsewhere about the Yramidian giftings, but not these, and there felt as though there was a gap that needed something more there.

Chapter Two - There was a language jar for me (maybe a British thing). You talk about the aroma "the aroma was like what", and that didn't work - maybe because the saying was like what is a pet hate of mine - but "it smelled as though" would work better for me.
I absolutely adored the line "sliced through the distance creating my own wind"!

Chapters Three and Four - really like where this is going, no problems here as far as I was concerned.

You asked me specifically about the spoken grammar versus text - for me it works, you expect characters to have a different "voice", so I don't see an issue here.

One only other personal note is that I struggled with the name Yramidian. Probably just me, but whilst I don't have an issue reading Pherasian or Esque, every time I get to Yramidian, my reading flow stutters. I've found as I read on that my brain automatically switched to simply reading "Ramidian", which may be correct, but wondered, if there is no later reference to the Y, whether in that case it could just be dropped.

Personal opinions only, hope they've helped. Will definitely read more when I get the chance :)

Helianthus wrote 469 days ago

Since you loaded more, I read more. This is just really very captivating, and I am now aching for Capritare. Two small remarks on the way via message.

JMF wrote 469 days ago

Hi
As requested some feedback!
You clearly have a wonderful imagination and I love your use of language and the power of your descriptions. Having said that I did find it a little difficult to follow in places and the dialogue did jar slightly when interspersed with quite poetic description/prose. Maybe that is deliberate. I also found myself wondering who was narrating the story i.e. who is the 'I', what kind of creature/ being, I want to know more about what they are thinking and feeling. This is not clear to me in the first few paragraphs. I found the pitch did not enlighten me much on this point either.
There is no doubt about it this is quite an original story, so keep up the good work.
Best of luck.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 470 days ago

@jsault2003

Yay! A negative review...lol.

I appreciate what you are saying, but majority [and my gut] rules. :)
The reader gets to learn many of these things just as the characters do. The characters do have a little leg-up since they are living the experience, but we have to let it all unravel as they journey. ;)

Thanks for taking the time to comment.
[And I'm sure your comments had nothing to do with the less-than-glowing review I did for your novel a few days ago...] ;)

jsault2003 wrote 470 days ago

If you are going to go so far as to tell the reader that the first guy who spoke gave details of the clay that covered him, then you are going to have develop this more.The reader is now curious about the details of his story as well as the details of the stories of the other characters. An option would be to not mention these stories on a partial basis, instead give the reader some other information about the members of the group in order to advance the storyline and plot.

The beginning should have been developed a little more. The reader must first establish a foundation based on concepts they understand before their imagination can extend into realms you have created. Since all fiction, and science fiction, is based on the extension of reality (warp drive, black holes, androids, etc.), get the reader grounded first. More backstory, or at least some explanations, are needed.

There is a lack of clarity in the opening and that is necessary in order for the reader’s curiosity be satisfied.

I have yet to get beyond the opening, as so far I have encountered Neelid, Yramid, Pheras, Capritare, Esque, the concepts of the Gifting, the three Ogen, the turning of the cycles, the Pherasians, the Rhynthyne, Pairing, the grandeur of Oli. This is throwing too much at the reader at once causing him/her to work too hard to follow your storyline while establishing a foundation in your alternate reality.

He reenacted the popping of the seed into his mouth. Again there is the question of clarity. If the reader has to stop to consider the meaning of any of your sentences, this is impeding the flow of their reading. Each sentence and paragraph should be structured to drive the reader further into the story.

Vowed to Esque, or Yramid, or Pheras. You have so much that needs explaining but is not. Yu must remember that although you are familiar with your alternate reality, your job as a writer is to make the reader as familiar with your concepts as you are. This is lacking.

I am also waiting for the protagonist/antagonist relationship to appear. The reader must be able to determine who they’re cheering for and who they loathe.

Your work is certainly original in its concepts. For that I congratulate you. Since the art of writing has been around for thousands of years, it’s rare that anything these days can be called original. But even originality must be executed properly for it to be successful.

I found the first chapter to be void of punctuation and grammatical errors. That in itself is something to be proud of. I have still not discovered what your “hook” is. Without a sufficient mechanism to hook me, I was not motivated enough to continue reading.

This needs some work.

Although this is not my type of read, I wish you well in your endeavors.

jsault2003

Heather McLoud wrote 471 days ago

This is dangerously abstract material set in unfamiliar territory and with your very excellent writing you have managed to carry me through the story without struggling. Wow. I don't think any line editing is necessary, which is weird because it seems like everyone needs a comma excised now and then or some other little thing. But I didn't see anything like that.

I liked the metaphysical nature of your plot and could see delightful parallels with pagan and Buddhist thought. The imagery you used was rich and fantastic.

The only problem I had with this was wondering whether the characters could remember their past existences. It wasn't clear to me in the first chapter and this worried at the edges of my consciousness. It seemed that if the characters could not remember they would find their situation much stranger than they apparently did. However, they also seemed to be more bent on exploring, more innocent, than people who could remember.

Really, really enjoyed this. Thanks.

Heather McLoud
Sage Courage

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 473 days ago

@Helianthus

Thank you, especially for the feedback on the dialogue.

You received the simplified colloquialism as I intended it. It is one of the 5 different "styles" I set out ot employ in the novel:

1) A lilting, poetic prose holding the narrative together
2) A more immediate, descriptive treatment of the Choosing scenes
3) A simple, everyday bard-meets-myth voice in the Tellings
4) A punctuated, carnal, primitive/tribal feel used to recount the Flourishes
5) With all this balanced with a down-to-earth, relatable, accesible form of dialogue

Helianthus wrote 473 days ago

I read all six chapters easily - this is very smooth. I too had guessed the last bit of the puzzle early on - I imagine that's the goal.

Work like this always takes a bit of getting used to, so the first chapter threw me for a few minutes until I got the hang of it. After that, smooth sailing.

I'm of two minds on the speech. I don't disagree with others who note the American style is not very poetic. However, I also found this speech somewhat comforting. It was familiar and easy to place, and played a part in my assimilation of the situation. The language they spoke made them more visible to me, and offset much of the confusion I had in the early paragraphs. I suppose it's all down to your audience.

Very nice, unique. I wanted to reach out and stroke Capritare's legs, to feel the hair and the hooves. I guess they were real enough in my mind!

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 473 days ago

Dear Lucas

I know you write well. I can tell, when I can visualise everything going on, in stunning detail, in my head. You have a very strong, poetic voice, and your scene setting is immaculate. Just one example of your poetry, collected at random from the first chapter: "let my eyes get lost in the way the light was hitting him". Your writing has a core of strength and confidence that we do not often see. Nothing bashful here. Colourful, imaginative and engrossing writing.

I agree with Oriax, though, about your use of the American vernacular. Phrases such as "Please, Cap, I'm freaking out here!" sit uncomfortably in the midst of your poetic voice. Can you find a way to convey the sentiment in a less banal way? The quality of your work merits that.

I wish you every success. Your writing shows painstaking attention to detail and your descriptive voice is first class.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

SonofDagda wrote 474 days ago

This is one of the more uniquely creative tales I've read on this site. It has a sort of Buddhist layering to it, though the Pagan elements I agree are there in terms of the different characters. All while retaining a quality that connects with everyone who reads it, whether they're religious or atheist or agnostic. A hell of a story that will fill my shelf out very nicely.

SonofDagda wrote 474 days ago

This is one of the more uniquely creative tales I've read on this site. It has a sort of Buddhist layering to it, though the Pagan elements I agree are there in terms of the different characters. All while retaining a quality that connects with everyone who reads it, whether they're religious or atheist or agnostic. A hell of a story that will fill my shelf out very nicely.

D. S. Hale wrote 474 days ago

This is a unique, intriguing story. I haven't seen anything like it on Autho, so it is also original. Good job, just with finding something original! It is also well written, and I could visiual the story as it was happening. I liked the way they were sitting around the fire, telling how they came into being. Was that how it was in The Beginning? Interesting thoughts and ideas. Great job! I am giving you six stars....Good luck with this!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

court_ftw wrote 475 days ago

~CAPRITARE~

Well, I must say, if publishers are looking for something different, this is it! I found it a little hard to get into though, but the characters become relatable and believable. You have a great Writer Voice and the describtions are wonderful!

As I got into Chapter two I started to really get into the story and plot. This is a wonderful story and very well written! You have a way with words.
Keep up the good work! 6 stars for having a story so unique and authentic :)

-Courtney
The Echoes

court_ftw wrote 475 days ago

~CAPRITARE~

Well, I must say, if publishers are looking for something different, this is it! I found it a little hard to get into though, but the characters become relatable and believable. You have a great Writer Voice and the describtions are wonderful!

As I got into Chapter two I started to really get into the story and plot. This is a wonderful story and very well written! You have a way with words.
Keep up the good work! 6 stars for having a story so unique and authentic :)

-Courtney
The Echoes

Lady Midnight wrote 476 days ago

Hi Lucas, read the opening chapter and first let me say you have a great imagination. That you’re a talented writer there’s no doubt. I’ve outlined some thoughts, which I hope prove useful.

We rested upon the cool of the stones. The flames of the Firedrop ring flickered in our eyes. They were new eyes –eyes which had seen light for the (first) time that day. Night had fallen on our (first) day of this strange new existence, and we had gathered in the courtyard to share our stories.
A guy covered with armored plates told his tale (first.) He fumbled with his words, yelling half of them. “…and then there was like this, ummm, what is it called? CLAY! Yeah, clay slapped on my bones…”
1. As you can see from the brackets, you’ve used the word “first” 3 times close together. This mars the flow of the narrative. I would suggest replacing at least two of them. For instance: Night had fallen on this new day of our strange existence… A guy covered with armored plate began to tell us his tale.
2. I should also add that this has a high fantasy feel to it, so beware modern terms like “guy”.
A girl with gorgeous orange wings went next. Her voice flowed (out) smoothly, like poetry, painting vivid pictures in my mind. “…layers of lilac polished my skin. Purple perfection swirled like the wind…”
3. Wonderful, vivid description in this paragraph, but would suggest omitting the word “out” from: …Her voice flowed (out) smoothly, just: Her voice flowed smoothly…
I (was) unsure of the sex of the third speaker until he told us he (was) male. He wasn’t sure he had actually been granted a gifting. He couldn’t find any physical evidence anywhere on his body. But, his story ((was) the most compelling of the three. If there (was) no other gifting to be found, he definitely had a way with words. “…I knew, in an instant, which one I would choose. One of the three was mesmerizing, lulling me to itself…”
4. You’ve used the passive word “was” 4 times in this paragraph and whilst it has its place, like adverbs wherever possible, an alternative should be found. For example: I remained unsure of the third speaker, until he told us he was male…But his story proved the most compelling…If no other gifting could be found…

5. Paragraph beginning: Having heard his story earlier in the day… Is really well done. The imagery is excellent

6. “…(BAMM!) I chose the one I wanted and was ushered out of the room.” Sorry, this reminded me of the old Batman series, starring Adam West. It jerked me out of the story.

7. I’m a little puzzled here. In the previous paragraph you tell us the narrator was ushered out of the room, but in the one below you have the narrator start to tell his story?
His telling had been short, quick and animated. That described Neelid pretty well. We all clapped as he stood to take his bow. Everyone’s eyes turned to me. I struggled with how to begin. Neelid had made it seem so easy. For me, it was difficult to describe the mystical experiences that happened in the presence of the three Ogen. My version wouldn’t be short, quick or animated because my first memories seemed to hold too much weight for that simple of a telling. My mouth was dry. My chest constricted. Finally, words formed.
“I wasn’t.
And then I was.
8. Paragraph beginning: My first thought was light. The darkness peeled away and receded beyond my reach, is excellent. You have a talent for vivid imagery.

(Pheras rustled at the sound of my first word.) Cool wind kissed my face. It entered me and I swelled with freshness. The scent of spring transformed into breath. I inhaled it deeply, and felt a flutter to out-flash Pheras’ wings. From the seed of that first breath, a root sprang forth in my chest. It branched outward until my body was flooded with a warm, rhythmic beat. I blinked, wiggled my fingers, and moved my legs—for the first time.
9. Pheras rustled… reads a little odd. I presume you meant her wings, so would suggest saying so: Pheras rustled her wings…
“Cap? Is that you? (Will you help me already? I don’t think it’s coming off.) This—Yram—neck hole—is—too—small.” He flailed on his bed in a hopeless struggle.
“There you go again. Taking another Ogen’s name in vain…”
“Cap. Please! (I’m freaking out here!”)
(“OK, OK. Let me save you from that mean, ol’ shirt.”)
10. Again, this dialogue seems too modern and therefore at odds with the setting. I’m not suggesting you use “flowery” speech, as some fantasy authors do, but try and eliminate modern terms like: “Will you help already” and “I’m freaking out here.”

Philthy wrote 476 days ago

Hi John,
As promised, I’m here for a read swap. If you deem mine back worthy, feel free to back it (per your forum post). If not, helpful, constructive feedback is always welcome and appreciated.
Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they are worth.
The first line of the short pitch is somewhat confusing. Could just be me, though. Capritare is grappling with ever-changing embellishments of wings, antlers and mystical things in what sense? Love the premise, though. Maybe I’m just not familiar with the term “Ogen” and should be.
“final thought collapses” is a bit much
I’m wondering if, even in the pitch, you should explain what the three entities how the three entities differ from each other to provide the reader with context.
I think the long pitch can be tightened by condensing the first couple paragraphs. There is some good writing there, but for a pitch, it’s kind of overkill and takes too long to get to the real challenge of the MC, which is your main hook.
“in which to make his decision” might read better as “in which he must make his decision” or simply “to make his decision.” The latter is likely the best option to avoid wordiness.
I’d suggest condensing the final line to read “or face annihilation” instead of “the only other opoption—annihilation.” It’s wordier than needed and emdashes are generally not popular among publishers when they’re unnecessary.
Chapter 1
Who is “we?” The reader needs context, and without establishing this, the reader doesn’t see anything.
What is the Firedrop ring? Again, paint the picture. The reader doesn’t know what you know. I understand not wanted to over explain too early, but without painting the picture, the reader can’t see what you want them to see.
I love the potential of this, and you are a strong writer with a great sense of setting tone in your narrative voice. That’s a difficult thing to do. The imagery is very good, but I think it needs to be amped up a bit. My biggest suggestion is to apply more context sooner to allow your reader to keep up. Otherwise, the reader is having to trudge through text without having a clue of what he/she is reader, or even seeing the scene. I think there’s enough mystery in this story to keep the reader so much in the dark.
That said, I like the story a lot and your writer. You’re not afraid to approach it a little differently, and some of the most brilliant storytelling is done in this way.
High stars from me. I can see this doing really well here once you find the demographic. Well done and best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

leelah wrote 477 days ago

I am returning a read after your great comment to my book. I am not into these themes at all: Narnia being a good exception - but my heart is pounding at your theme: the wish to be complete .Whole. Whatever we use to name it.
I am in awe on the vastness of your ability to name and describe and separate this world in a way that it gives me - a novice in these landscapes - a sens of familiarity. I absolutely adore your description of how it is to be born - say your first word - and smell the first smells. That is to me the sign of a true artist.
For me personally this is overwhelming in its richness. i have looked at other comments and fully realize that that depends on my loss of familiarity in these worlds - but it prevents me from going into the story and giving you the same kind of review that you gave me. I am really sorry about that - because I so would like to be part of your joy of rushing forward to the ED's desk. 5 shelves in 5 days sounds great and very promising.
I can also tell you that I started to sweat when i read your book - which is a great sigh that your work is poetic, strongwilled and at the same time, surrendered to the flow of inspiration that you are floating in and trusting.
There is also an atmosphere of strong sexuality in the work. That shows that the spirit you write with/through has a "real" feel to it - it is writing you, and knows what it want.
Best of luck with this.
Leelah Saachi

tyleradams wrote 478 days ago

John,
Fantastic, descriptive text. I typically do not read much sci-fi, but found myself drawn into the work. One thing that in my opion could do more to draw in a broader readership (which is much deserved), is to make the story line stronger in the first several chapters. While I found myself enamored with your characters, I found myself asking the question "Where is this story going?"

Best luck on this, and I'll give it a place on my shelf.

tyler (The Paths We Chose)

Warrick Mayes wrote 478 days ago

John,

I read your first chapter. Your writing is very different, very rich. I like the ideas in some of your descriptive prose, such as "The spark of midnight", it does not really mean anything, but is so elegant.

Your story is interesting too, a complex and artistic narrative, but clean and flowing at the same time.

Highly rated.

Best regards
Warrick

Oriax wrote 478 days ago

Hello John Lucas,

I read all of this in one sitting and was impressed. When Capritare is telling his story, surrounded by horned and hooved man-beasts making me think of Cernunnos, you slip in a biblical touch in a piece of writing that sounds so pagan: ‘I wasn’t. Then I was.’ Great. Beautifull descriptions of Capritare’s emotions, of light and darkness, highlights and shadows. It’s obvious you’re a painter. I bet you like the Abarat books too – in fact I think I recognised Malingo somewhere in the motley crew.
One of the things I like about this story is not having to ask, why? It doesn’t matter why they are all gathered together with their gifts, or what they are meant to do with them. They just are and it’s enough.
You keep the names simple and pronounceable. One exception being the Rhynthyne which I had problems with saying in my head.

‘A few were rutting in the ground with their hooves.’ I think you mean they were digging furrows in the ground, but rutting used in the context of antlered males could be miscontrued.

This ‘game’ is pretty unpleasant and it dispells any illusion that we are in some safe Narnia-type world.

I guessed the solution to the Rhythyne before Capritare did, I suppose that means that most readers do too.

There’s an eroticism to this story that I can understand would make some people think it more suitable for adults. I don’t agree; adolescence is a time of exploration and experimentation. Much better to make the whole process of growing up poetic and exciting, rather than sordid and mechanical. Some people are equally squeemish about ‘bad’ language and blasphemy. One of the aspects of this story I enjoyed the most was the animal paganism of it, which requires an erotic element.
The only (minor) criticism I would make, and this is purely personal so feel free to ignore it, is the use of the American vernacular. I know kids the world over speak American, but I hate reading wanna and gonna and you guys etc etc. For me it spoils the poetry of your writing. But that’s my problem I suppose.
Brilliant piece of writing and in the line for my shelf. Six stars for now.
Jane

CarolinaAl wrote 479 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An imaginative, mesmerizing start. A charming main character. Lyrical narrative. Effective world building. Vivid descriptions. Strong sense of place. Not much tension. Leisurely pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'CLAY!' There's no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark (which you did) to emphasize words. There is another case in this chapter where you use all caps.
2) "When I get out-of-this-thing-" Consider using ellipses ( ... ) instead of em-dashes here. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. There is another case in this chapter where you use em-dashes for hesitation when ellipses are appropriate.
3) "What're you doing in there Cap?" Comma after 'there.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case in this chapter where someone is addressed in dialogue but their name or title isn't offset with a comma.
4) "Esque grants some odd Giftings" Put a period after 'Giftings.'
5) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your kind comments on "Savannah Oak."

Bless you.

Al

Su Dan wrote 479 days ago

nicely written- original, well paced and a very readable story...
l will back...
read SEASONS...

CGHarris wrote 479 days ago

I just read through the first two chapters. Your description is fantastic and you do a great job of pulling the reader in. Your story is imaginative and makes me want to learn more about the world. I do have two minor comments. One is your transitions when you use the ****** are a bit confusing. The story just doesn't seems to flow acrostic the change. Also I think this has the feel of an adult fantasy rather than a YA. That could just be me though. Thanks again for the read and the best of luck with your book.

Cariad wrote 480 days ago

Hi fellow YA writer. Very intriguing. I want to read before and not just toss in a comment based on only one chapter, so I will put it on my watchlist until I have read it properly. It is different, so far, which is good. I like it.
Cariad.

Brittany Engstrand wrote 481 days ago

Interesting story, even though this type of fantasy is not my specialty. There were a few spots that I noticed some grammar is off (for instance, when one is speaking in more than one paragraph, you always begin with quotes and when a new person speaks you start a new paragraph) but other than that the imagery is wonderful. It begins in the story straight away, which is great for first person POV (my personal favorite). I really like what you have so far and, even though it's not my normal read, I definitely plan on coming back for more. Your creatures, in a sense, are equally intriguing! On my shelf to support some fine writing :)

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror

Dilettante wrote 481 days ago

Very, very different. Imaginative, creative, and well written. I have no idea if this story will be popular here, but it is quality, and it is unique. Well done.

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