torture, punishments and love part 1

Isn't there another story like this already out there..called Twilight..or perhaps The Vampire Diaries..

Hello there,
There is a more up to date version been posted by myself which is still incomplete but has a few more chapters and has been checked through more.
The version that is posted above was not posted by myself, It was posted by someone whom I don't know but the new version is my upload. Thanks

Rebecca Collins

This needs a synopsis, punctuation, copy editing, removing purple text color and splitting into multiple chapters. Without these things, a reader might think you don't care. Still, I see the work behind it and I back it. Good luck!

Hi Rebecca,

Like Warrick said, you should try to break this down because it'll make it easier on the eye.
I had a hard time reading because, no offense, it looked like a lot of thoughts or ideas thrown down on paper, but there isn't a lot of meat. If you did this because there is more important stuff in the story, it's understandable, but I don't think you really need to mention her schooling before she meets Luke. And I would liek to see more of the beginnings of a relationship with Luke because you said they met and then there was a confusing game happening in chapter 3 and then there was the wedding. So much goes on and so quickly and I found that a couple of times, I would skip the ending of a very long paragraph and just skim through. I think you can cut out a lot of it to hold the readers attention, and be more descriptive about other parts, such as her birthday outing. You are a little too descriptive about the limo and not enough about why her night was so much fun even before getting to the concert.

I will come back to your story as I want to see what life change has happened, but it's hard to concentrate, I'm sorry.

Good luck with this.

Aliah
-Her Demise

Becca,

Help!

You really need to splt this down and post the chapters separately. However, before removing this chapter, post chapters 2 to 20 and then overwrite chapter one. I say this because I've heard people say they have had problems if their word-count falls below 10,000 words.

Splitting it down will make it easier for others to help edit and give advice, this one long chapter is very difficult to navigate around.

I had a lot of difficulty with your first paragraph, so spent all my time just looking at that one section.
Your third sentence could be changed because we assume that you move with your Mum, and it kind of repeats from the previous sentence. Try “We moved to a two bedroom cottage just down the road from my Nan.”

After saying you lost your Dad, try "It felt awkward growing up without a dad as my friends all still had their dads." This feels less clunky and less repetitive.

After talking about your problems at school you say "I used to go home everyday crying my eyes out." You had used "every day" in the previous sentence, so cut it down to “I used to go home crying my eyes out.”

From teh reast of the paragraph, how important is Matt? Does this issue came back later in the book, or is this the only mention? If this is not important to the rest of the story I would chop it out. Sometimes you have to be able to cut back the narrative in order to get to the story. I've written a smoother conclusion to the paragraph as a suggestion:

We had been living at the cottage for a year and a half when my Mum met a bloke called Matt. He was nice at first, but he soon changed and became really mean.

We had to move again because the rent was too high and the house was like a death-trap. Time has ssemed to fly by and I was in the last year of secondary school. The new house was much nicer and was within easy walking distance of my Nan’s. Nan and Grandad were talking to Mum again, by this time, and helped us to move.

It looks like the rest of the chapter needs a similar sort of edit.

Best regards
Warrick

Rebecca, More on fonts courtesy of Tod Schneider :->

The Best Fonts for Readability
By Nicole Schmoll, eHow Contributor
updated April 27, 2011
Choose a font that makes it easy for viewers to enjoy your content.
No matter how compelling your language, if your writing is illegible, no one will understand what you are trying to communicate. That principle holds true for handwritten letters and doctors' notes as well as fonts used in printed documents or online Web pages. While no font can convince your reader to agree with you, there are a few basic principles you can follow to make sure your reader, or viewer, can read your message.
1. Legibility
o Legibility refers to the design of a given font. Design gives a font character, personality and makes it stand out. The design of a font allows it to communicate mood and emotion so that it works with your chosen letters to move your reader to action or reaction. Generally, the more design a font has, the more legible it is. Legible fonts don't call attention to themselves; they appear invisible to the reader so that the reader focuses only on the words the letters spell and does not pause to consider the look and feel of the individual letters. Legible fonts are not excessively light or bold and have little or no serifs on them. Researchers found that font size was critical in determining legibility. Size 14 in sans serif fonts such as Arial and Courier as well as serif fonts like Comic and Times were good fonts for legibility.
Readability
o Readability refers to how you lay out your selected font on a printed or website page. You can make your words easy to read by choosing a legible font and then arranging that font in a readable way. For example, white space in between letters and lines as well as paragraph breaks and images or offset quotes are all techniques used to make fonts readable. Choose fonts that fit your purpose which, if it is to convey information or text-heavy messages, should be transparent, sans-
o In a study published in "Behavior and Information Technology," Volume 21, in 2002, researchers found that the spacing between characters played a major role in whether or not readers felt a font was easy to read. Choose fonts with generous x-heights like Tahoma and Verdana and adequate space between letters like Georgia to ensure its readability. If you are trying to decide between multiple fonts for readability, compare them in type tester program.
Best Print Fonts
o Some of the most readable fonts for printed documents include Helvetica, Garamond, Times and Lucida. These fonts share a light weight, small-serif, open-counter design and have been used for decades in printed documents. They are easy to read and available on most word processing programs, making documents typed in them easy to edit by multiple users. Set your fonts in a dark color such as black or charcoal gray against a white background in a size 12 font to make them readable to a wide range of people.
Best Online Fonts
o Verdana, Trebuchet, Arial and Georgia are crisp, clean fonts that translate into good readability for online viewers. The first three are considered sans-serif fonts; while Georgia is classified as a serif font, it was designed for the Internet and for use in online documents so it can be reduced to smaller font sizes, such as 8, and retain its clear, readable structure.

Read more: The Best Fonts for Readability | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/info_8310834_fonts-readability.html#ixzz1kEm8AMJs

Hi, Rebecca, Welcome to authonomy. I did what you said. I tried to read it, but it looks like it's in a serif 6point font. Way too small.

I persevered with a serif font with my novel till someone said san-serif is the way to go online.

Anyway, Best wishes - Ian