words of dragon

I am not good at editing so I judge as a reader. Your story is off to a good start! I liked the prelude a lot. It was full of details, the start of a great hook. But the first chapter started off too slow. It read narritive and slowly. Maybe condence the first six paragraph, or include them as you introduce the characters, (mix up the discriptions with the action?.)

Over all this has the makings of a great story, one I would be intersted in taking another look at in the future!

Jill
Existence: Reality

Jorge Luis,
As mentioned earlier, I feel that there is a really great core here, and that there is great promise. I find the character of Grinoel appealing, and your character development is well thought out, if a bit programatic. He is obviously the golden child, given the ability to be the saviour of the world. This harkens back to some of the ancient myths, where the prodigeous might of the child-hero is an important element; while modern fantasies often have the hero develop his power.
You have thought about your universe well, giving careful thought to your place descriptions. You have also thought well about your character interactions.Uncle Rafael is a cute character, and the relationship with the parents is endearing (although it makes little sense that they should not go to watch him fight in the contest).
The meeting of the dryads is, again, very simple, but cute and fun. You endow him with wonderful abilities very quickly. This is, again, bad form when compared with modern fantasies, but it really harkens to the classical tradition, where the hero is neigh invincible. The bit with the dung was funny.
All this, however, is rendered mute because of spelling and grammatical issues, by the use of the present tense, ponderous descriptions, and the prologue. This is a shame, because I think there is the seed of something very fun here.
These errors carry onto your pitch, which again, is rather sloppy. (Title in small caps, grammatical errors, etc).
I very highly recommend that you sit down, perhaps with a friend, and go through it, correcting such errors, putting the verbs in the past tense, and checking other typos. Then, I would recommend that you think very critically about your language. Once you tackle these issues carefully, you will have a stronger book that will be judged on its merits.
I know that this is a lot of work. I hope you are not discouraged.
Best of luck,
Maeve

Jorge Luis,
This is a short comment, as it is a bit late.
I was very surprised by how gripping I found this tale. This is the case particularly because I found the present tense, which was not consistent, very irritating. I very strongly recommend that you change the tense to past throughout.
Also, I agree with some of the other comments about the ponderous language. However, this improves later on.
I think that the first three chapters I have read are very compelling plot-wise, and you have a fun fantasy world going. I really enjoyed your descriptions of the monsters, and your care in explaining the inner workings of the dragons. The uncle-nephew relationship builds well, and the attach of the demons is exciting.
The character of Grinoel is an appealing one, both strong and kind, and his fantasy in the forest is fun. You lay it on thick with the magic, but there is something tongue-in-cheek about how you do it.
I do agree that your prologue is a bit much, and I would probably suggest removing it. Your descriptions of the city are rich and fun.
I think you will need to work on the mechanics a bit in order to be successful, but I think that the storyline is fun.
I would suggest you be careful with your pitches- your title is all in small caps, and the pitch looks very rough. This may be a bit of a turn-off.
More later,
Maeve
(Mrs Maginnes is Dead, Fresh Meat)

I'm sorry JL, but you really didn't convince me.
Your language is a bit ponderous and your opening chapter doesn't give me anything that makes me want to read on. I think your fight was supposed to do this - why does Grinny fight so well? - But you've drawn him as such a superman (and told us, near as, that his father is a fairy) that the question seems already answered.
By the end of the first chapter you really need either to have us well invested in your MC or to have introduced something of the crisis that will precipitate this young man into your drama. The battle field of your prologue will not do it (it is too far removed from the opening scene).
I'm sure you have a great story to tell, you just need - I think - to work on the style a bit more.
Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

JL,

I only read the first chapter, but have to say I agree with a lot of what Writer-in-Red had to say, but did not totally agree with Laura.

The opening line makes it sound like a fairy story. A land far away? From where? In this global community it can not be far away from everywhere!

Your descriptions can be a little ponderous. Take the last paragraph of the chapter. "The common room has a medium-sized chimney made of fire red brick" Why bother to state that the chimney is medium sized? What is the relevance? "The common room was warmed by a hearth with a chimney of fire-red brick." Now it has relevance - the warmth, the chimney is connected to the hearth and adds colour to the description of the fire-place. You can also string this together with the boiling pot for the tea.

Allow me to give some example so fthe change from past to present:
" The city had only two entrances. One is on the west side..."
"Many farmers and other villagers.....gather the algae..." perhaps "...would gather the algae..." or "...gathered the algae..."
"The landscape was dotted with..........the most northern part of it is believed to be enchanted."

"The blow is counter parried..." Apart from the tense, counter and parried would only apply of the strike was a parry. So withe "the blow is countered..." or "The blow is parried..."

Otherwise, a good story line, just needs some work. Work on one chapter at a time. Many people will only look this closely at the first chapter, that will give you time to re-work the following chapters for those who choose to read on!

Best regards
Warrick

Your wording is whimisical and entrancing. I enjoyed everything you have uploaded. Your falir for the written word pulled me in as a reader and kept me captivated. High stars and WL ed.

Read the first chapter, and just wanted to warn you to not be offended by this comment. It is solely to point out some things and offer constructive criticism. First off, your pitch makes your book sound like every other fantasy book out there. It is very vague and offers the same plot development as most fantasy adventure novels where a young person is forced into the world of adulthood.
Second, I enjoyed your prologue a great deal. There are just some grammar problems that need fixing.
Third, as I read your opening chapter I noticed a changing between present and past tense. There are many run-on sentences that can easily be chopped up. Your description of places and people tends to become dry and monotone. You tend to point out the obvious traits of a fantasy city in a fantasy land and leave out the details that could make your city unique. There are also many cliches that people and publishers may find distracting, including some obvious ones: "Legend has it..."; "arms stretched out towards the heavens"

I hope this helps.

"In a land far away, in a time long forgotten..." Awesome first line!!!! :) I LOVE it! You manage to set the scene and the atmosphere within just the first paragraphs.
Your characters are distinct and diverse. I am also in love with their names, by the way. : )
I love fantasy, YA and you have managed to write a book that meets my high expectations of that genre. This is garnered from only what you have uploaded so far. You will post more won't you?! I can't believe you'd be so cruel as to leave us hanging here with no idea whats gonna happen to your people! ; )
I look forward to seeing your book rise in the charts. :)
Highly starred and recommended.

Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"