Bound In Bitter Chains

Your prologue is so amazing..by the end of it I am really ready for action. I think you need to get reshape this somehow to keep that tension that you build so excellently. The storyline as explained is so good--I hate to it not come shining through in the early chapters.
Barbara

Hi Robert, I only had time to read two chapters but I was really taken by your excellent style and use of language.

David and Harrson's dialogue is great, but I'd use 'I'd' rather than 'I am' for a more realistic feel.

'...and imperceptivity the business...' ( imperceptibly)

I haven't read enough to comment on your plot development. I'll try to read more and get back to you on that soon.
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

This is fascinating! I love the idea of mixing genres and you've done it seamlessly with this. The pace is quick and exciting and you have a wonderful way of building up tension. It's one of the rare times I feel a prologue worked and did it's job. It gives a great sense of what is to come. This book has a ton of potential, I read 4 chapters and had to stop.

Missy

Great premise and a very good read. :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Great pitch with a cracking concept, love the setting of stonehenge which was used to good effect in Dr Who recently, it evokes an old earth anchor that is so the opposite of the threat we face with technology, good play, the writing is taut with believable dialogue and good charcterisation

Robert -

Bound in Bitter Chains - I liked the setting, the room mates at Yale, but found the shift forward in years a litttle sudden. Lovely moments: ... Se smiled - a strawberry seed stuck beteween her teeth ... or the ... briny tang ...
Once the action moves to Stonehenge, I felt the story unfold. A sense of stalking the shadow and mystery holds the tension well. Some fascinating ideas and fine writing, a book to be enjoyed at leisure.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hello Robert, Having read three chapters of your remarkable novel, I'll gladly back it. Please take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic love story set in an American country town during the Great Depression. Best of luck with "Bound in Bitter Chains," Sincerely Bill

Your prologue is so amazing..by the end of it I am really ready for action. I think you need to get reshape this somehow to keep that tension that you build so excellently. The storyline as explained is so good--I hate to it not come shining through in the early chapters.
Barbara

Hi Robert, The conversation outside the accident and the child’s comment pulled me right in – wondering how this child was brought up or what the dying man knew. David’s time at Yale is well-rendered; its pace is at a clip and reflective of his endeavors and energy. I liked that you chose a protagonist from a different field than digital yet he must have picked up a lot from Harrison. These are strong scenes, the Ethiopian restaurant – hard to put this story down. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Your Prologue sets the tone for your book perfectly and I like your sense of foreshadowing. You have crafted a most compelling storyline and your use of short paragraphs and crisp, well written dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. Your work is character rich, your character development of David is excellent as is your use of imagery. All of this coupled with your descriptive writting makes your fictional fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Bound in Bitter Chains is an insightful and imaginative work of fiction. Backed with pleasure.

Great premise, and some excellent writing. Not usually my genre, but I was hooked by the end of Ch.1. On my shelf.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

I like this a lot, the pitch grabs the attention straight away and sells the story without spoiling it. This is high concept stuff mixed with action and excitement, well constructed storyline that has obviously thought through. Excellent.

Robert: you're a longtime vet here so you know I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch would work better if you would name that MC here. For the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Take that question in the middle and place it at the end to pique your casual reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I really liked the opening to this. very powerful. Your pitch is very commercial and I like it. I read three chapters and could've easily kept on reading. Highly imaginative, this is one of my favourite sci-fi novels on teh site. Good luck with it.
Backed
Carl
The Time Hunters

BITTER CHAINS
This story begins with a great, ominous tone as a man tries to work free from an automobile crash. It then changes abruptly to the everyday happening of a student moving into a dorm room. One of the problems of having a great beginning is it’s a tremendous challenge to keep the tension in the story alive while you introduce your characters and fill in back story. If I made a suggestion it would be to introduce something a little more exciting than moving boxes in that second chapter. All in all, tho, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Really great opening; this is just full of mystery. Your writing style serves the narrative very well. Happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Why isn't this book being read more, is it because you don't tout it around like every other warped individual on the site lately.

This is so well written it was an absolute pleasure to read and I don't generally read sci-fi, so make of that what you will.

Very polished work and a joy to read, I can't help thinking your wasting your time on here though.

Melxx

Great premise, well written and enjoyable to read.

Wow - you certainly have an incredible imagination! This is so well crafted and polished - I had given it a shot because someone here told me this was good fantasy and they are straight up right! Love the idea and you have a gifted imagination and a talent for putting into writing! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

Hi Robert,
Love a good bit of SF and this qualifies - shelved

Great writing, excellent prologue, good characters in David and Harrison.

I spotted a few places it could be made better, imo of course.

#2 'The answer was not only would be found....' - 'The answer would not only be found....'?

Some paragraphs are 'was' fests that you should add a little variety to. You also need more contractions in your dialogue, the speech reads a little wooden in places. Try reading it out loud.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Hi, Robert. What a pitch. If that don't get ya nothing will. I knew this would be a good one as soon as I saw your name on it...haha.
Well, what can I say. What a book this is. Really well done on that prologue. Read 2 more, skipped in a ways. Superb writing, excellent dialog. Just a very fine book. Surprised this isn't higher in the rankings. I thought I'd read this before but obviously not. Anyway, good job, Robert. On my shelf for sure and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

This is a brilliant premise: the human race enslaved and held by digital chains, from which there seems to be no escape, and then you show how ingenuity and no small amount of human spirit can find the key to freedom. It's most imagininative, has strong characters, and contains beautifully descriptive passages, evoking a strong sense of place and mood and feelings. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony

I like the premise of this story alot. I think there is a growing unease about the pace of technology growth and how it's being used so the theme certainly has resonance. I'm not sure about the long pitch - I'd prefer to hear about the character and their journey but maybe that's just me. Good first chapter and the characterisation does develop nicely in the first few chapters. Jane Alexander has given you some excellent pointers so I'd endorse her crits/nitpicks but this is still a page turner with alot of promise - good luck with it.

This is really enjoyable, a huge fun read. The prologue evoked a crash brilliantly - maybe just the teensiest bit overwritten in the first few pars but generally seriously good and quite horrific as he realises that he isn't safe. Ends on a chilling intriguing note.
A couple of nits. 'Illumine' is present tense which jars and is a bit pretentious (IMO)....
'Let us away and prepare' sounds like something out of a bad fantasy novel...;)

Then we're into the chapters proper and the mood changes totally. I am a little surprised that you have taken this omniscient overview style as it is quite distancing. You have a good solid MC, so why not use his POV? Just my personal taste, I guess.
There is a heck of a lot of tell in these early chapters - and again my personal taste would be for you to show us what is going on. But, hey, it's your book.... Though I am at the end of Chapter Four and we're still on backstory - I do worry that some people might be a little restless by now.

As a Brit I feel honour-bound to point out a few nits...
Neither the crown nor the government per se would have anything to do with Stonehenge excavations - it would be, I think, English Heritage.
He wouldn't have been able to spot the professor from the plane at Heathrow.....
Wouldn't be the M5 (which runs from Exeter up to Birmingham) - would (I think) be the M3 initially then the A303. In the Uk we always say THE M3, M5 etc..... THE A303.... weird I know.
The Tor of Glastonbury. A Brit would say Glastonbury Tor.
Ah, love the idea of being able to find the underground maze.....so far I believe there is no firm evidence it exists.
I like this a lot and would happily read on were it not for the fact that I need to get some work done!
Hope you don't mind the nits.
Happy to back you.
Jane
WALKER

I am confused as to why this isn't higher up the ranks. I really enjoyed the prologue. It sets some great hooks and there was some enjoyable imagery.
The wreckage cradled him. That is a great line.
I think that this is good. The idea was over my head as the short pitch didn't give me enough info. The long is good though.
This is not my standard read but I found myself caught up in the who and what right away.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Bound in Bitter Chains

Hi Robert,

Great prologue, real scene setter, pacy, in the moment, emotional engagement and reader interest to the fore. Chapter One proper and Chapter Two seem to take the foot of the gas of reader engagement a little. The writing was good enough but we were very far from the action mainly because you were using Chapter One as a bit of a scene-setter for what is to come. I wondered when I read the pitch how you were going to manage the long arc and wide reach of this novel, it is a scope that takes in the whole world after all. I am not sure the distant thing works, the distant narrator telling us the story. Chapter 2 begins with a bad Irishman joke, are there any others and I am not sure if this helped us develop anything in relation to character and story, it seemed like a digression.

You have a talent, clearly, you have one book published already, but I would suggest you look at the narrative stance here to see if you can engage us more effectively throughout the story, like you did so well in the Prologue. I have been thinking about Stephen King's The Stand as I have read through your book here and re-read some bits of it and it manages to whole world ending thing by showing us the experience of a range of different people unfolding over time. I am sure you have the ability to do that, hope at least some of this comment was helpful.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

The opening chapter is an attention grabber, with your MC hanging upside down trapped in a car, the arrival of three figures who are clearly not there to help him, and then a strange skate board kid.
And then we are hurled into the story...A multi layered one that promises much.
Well described characters, I particularly liked the friendship between David and Harrison ...it feels important!
There is no doubt, these promises to be a complex tale that mixes modernity with antiquity...a fascinating premise and one that should prove very popular. I wish you every success... Backed
Dawn : ARK

BOUND IN BITTER CHAINS - Robert, wow! what a great story.. exciting, mysterious and hypnotic. You've woven many threads together into a riveting story of magic, fate and conflict. This story deserves to be published.. Good luck!! evan ( oaklane woods)

p.s. there are a few parts which are confusing.. like c12 with Oscar.. in C11, you mention 3 messages on the phone but only state the contents of one message??

Robert, some notes from Chapter 1.

There are a few typos, mistakes. They shouldn't detract from a story, but they do. Unfortunately, most people on this site (like agents and publishers) have a short attention span with minimal allowance for more than a few typoes. Think of how many books they go through in a day - they're just looking for an excuse to move onto the next one. Don't give them the chance. Get the first chapter or two as good as you can, so you get them hooked: they're more likely to overlook any shortcomings if you can get them over that initial hump. It's like riding a bike up a hill from a standing start. If you can get started, it's easier to keep going. If it's too hard, you go ride somewhere else.

Here's a few examples of things that could be altered/improved...

360 degree better than spelling it out in words.

"control-less" - try to re-word this sentence to avoid this word.

guitar RIFFs?

NAPE of his neck.

trunk SCARRED from the impact.

GAPING


Strangely enough, the first song that came to me from the "Nah nah" section was Hey Jude. Read it aloud and tell me I'm wrong!

Now, at the end of the chapter, you're finally getting the hooks in. I think you should trim and slash this whole first chapter. By all means keep your dislocated sense of the guy in the car, but get to the people and especially the boy's line of dialogue as quickly as possible. I sense this chapter could be reduced by at least a quarter of its length. Examine every line of every paragraph and reduce as many words/lines as you can without losing your meaning. I guarantee you will add both clarity and pace, good things to have any book, but especially this sort of "thriller".

Anyway, take all this with the proverbial grain of salt. Also, get several comments to consider before acting. Otherwise, you may be oscillating back and forth trying to please everybody.

Regards,

TomW

Hi Robert,
I haven't read the pitch - so am plunging myself straight into the story.
Am commenting now at end of Prologue as I have enough to say to keep you going I think.
Atmosphere - gripping / great sense of not just the crash that has already happened, but that it is only the start of something - way before I got to your final sentence. So an effective 'hook'
Language - some sentences were v. effective - 'the wreckage cradled him' - powerful because of the contrast to the normal connotations of 'cradle' /'jagged shards of images' /' He began moving, muscles rubber...' / 'The roar in his head quieted ....' / 'Consciousness faded to the sound of rain.' - so evocative.
However there were some glitches -
tense probs -- ie 'spinning / yanking / jumped / fishtailed / flipping' all need to be in the same tense.
Some sentences which would (in my opinion) be much more powerful if pruned - eg - 'cloud burst of glass' is a powerful image weakened by 'shards pelted as rain' / 'memories (sugg cut 'smeared')washing down the drain of his mind - great image. / An inner pressure, (cut 'that accident's haze, filled his thoughts)his mind jumping him back...'
Some sentences that I couldn't make sense of - 'Fires fueled of...' / 3rd sentence in that para also a prob.
The para beginning 'His hand fumbled...' and the following two paras have a lot of jumbled tenses and grammar and would benefit from a re-write.
I hope these comments are useful to you and as I say I got a tremendous sense of unease / danger / something very important happening here and I want to know more. Onto my watchlist.
Good luck,

Margaret (Munro's Choice) - HF and rather slower burning start - but I'd appreciate feedback - especially of ch 3 - the crux of the story.

Hi Robert. This is surprisingly effective. (One thing before we start though - I felt sure it was 'derring do', whereas you have daring do in your pitch.) Anyway, as to the book, lovely opening the darkness and the drip drip. And I was only just saying to someone else how atmosphere is such a key ingredient of dark fantasy. And you manage to heap it on without it feeling excessive. Watch out for extraneous words along the way though - 'He opened his eyes, later.' It's even after a comma so it feels like an extra. The fact is, it's not needed. 'He opened his eyes.' Period. We know implicitly it's later. Minor things, but trims like that can really make a difference. So I'd recommend scanning through for similar trims you can make. But fair to say I don't detect too many. Bigger economies could be made in the start of Ch1, just a little tightening for pace and so on. Other than that, generally you tell the story well, with a nice eye to detail and, as I say, that all important atmosphere. And I think with a few refinements you can just up this from an intriguing beginning to one that really grabs your reader by the throat. Best of luck with this, cheers.

The car crash works for me. I think its filled with vivid and realistic images. The way you describe things - to me - could be more like a film noir kind of thing.
One technical tip I have is when you change scenes (like when you say 'he blacked out, again" and then "he opened his eys") put either ***'s or another blank line so we know time has passed.
oh, and i like that the boy was wearing the INXS shirt and the radio was playing devil inside..hahaha, I thought this was great forshadowing.
Now, when chapter one starts, I think you should consider shortening up the first three paragraphs, too much narration IMHO. I had the same problem with the opening of my book, and just got rid of them.
Just some thoughts, you have a great story here, very intriging opening.

Robert,

Read the prologue and here are some comments. All my opinion of course.
The image - a car accident - is a good one to start with, raising questions with the reader. What has happened? How did he get here? But within a few paragraphs, I had the feeling that the writing is simply trying too hard, resulting in unintentionally comical phrasings.
Some examples:
- 'eyes snapped open' - whose eyes? Disembodied eyes, by themselves? OK, I'm not daft and know what you mean, but this wording is strange.
- 'jabbed at his nostrils' - really? Again, I know what you mean, but I get the feeling that you chose the wording to sound different, but I've never seen a smell jab at nostrils.
- 'jerk his hand away' - seems like a melodramatic overreaction. Actually, with the previous comment, involving ,the same sentence, I think the only thing you need here is the smell of blood. You don't need any of his bodily reactions.
- 'His head swirld in three hundred and sixty degree turns as he...' Now I'm seeing that revolting scene from The Excorcist'. Firstly, I think you want swivelled, not swirled (swirled is what milk does in coffee), but then stil,, the bodily reaction is way over the top and it actually becomes funny.

I'd advocate that you rewrite this in a more natural prose, without trying to pretty it up, without forcing images, while you're pretending you are this character.

Wow. All I can say is wow.
I'm a man who can take comments and alternate views and learn from them. That is why I am here. I want to become a better writer and I thank anyone who is willing to read my work. I have realized that I should, perhaps, simplify my word choice and allow for a bit more "love of the language" as Luther so eloquently offered.

I had the privilege of reading the opening of Seeing Red and there appear to be similar examples of "comical phrasings" in your own work:
"Purple spots danced in front of my eyes"
"I lay in a cocoon of semi darkness"
..."muffled by a wall of fog inside my brain"

I can understand what you are trying to say but anything taken out of context can be made to be seem moronic or comic if one chooses to make them so.
Now, I am not attacking you, but I would say that writing is the great experiment. These collections of words can, if formed correctly, create something new and wonderful. We as writers can play it safe with our descriptions and lean toward the tired cliche or we can risk and strive (as I am trying to do) to arrive at the new.
I will keep trying for the new image, the new feeling, and will do it in joy, learning and laughing a little, all the way...

Robert,

Read the prologue and here are some comments. All my opinion of course.
The image - a car accident - is a good one to start with, raising questions with the reader. What has happened? How did he get here? But within a few paragraphs, I had the feeling that the writing is simply trying too hard, resulting in unintentionally comical phrasings.
Some examples:
- 'eyes snapped open' - whose eyes? Disembodied eyes, by themselves? OK, I'm not daft and know what you mean, but this wording is strange.
- 'jabbed at his nostrils' - really? Again, I know what you mean, but I get the feeling that you chose the wording to sound different, but I've never seen a smell jab at nostrils.
- 'jerk his hand away' - seems like a melodramatic overreaction. Actually, with the previous comment, involving ,the same sentence, I think the only thing you need here is the smell of blood. You don't need any of his bodily reactions.
- 'His head swirld in three hundred and sixty degree turns as he...' Now I'm seeing that revolting scene from The Excorcist'. Firstly, I think you want swivelled, not swirled (swirled is what milk does in coffee), but then stil,, the bodily reaction is way over the top and it actually becomes funny.

I'd advocate that you rewrite this in a more natural prose, without trying to pretty it up, without forcing images, while you're pretending you are this character.

Ok, let us know when you'd like another look from us
Luther and Nancy

In the second chapter you are doing precisely what I recommended in your the introduction, but I think you are supplying too much information, still too quickly. I am extremely guilty of packing my paragraphs, so I'm not trying to criticize (yeah, like that's true), however, I'd like to suggest you fall in love with the language a little more. In the Maltese Falcon, Sam tells the woman " but Archer was my partner, and when something happens to your partner you have to do something.." Bogart in the film caught the cadence of the line. Try thinking your writing through one word at a time or speaking it aloud to see what the cadence is like. Try to like your words a lot . And if the style of writing you're using is your voice, then so be it.
I hope this helps
Luther the fuzzy

Your writing a story and trying to say or imply a great deal of information as sparsely as possible. The result is the brick effect the Edgington is talking about. The last time I was thumped and recovering consciousness I slowly and quite deliberately tried to access what was going on. Your character is doing the same thing, but you're trying to give a description with as few words as possible. Try saying the same thing with a slower and more detailed description. Take two sentences to talk about being in the car upside down. The coppery smell is fine , but tell the reader that the character realizes that it's his blood he's smelling. Have the character tell himself about the searing pain running down his leg as well as the numbness in his hand.
Just a beginning. By the way I'm the soft and fuzzy half of the team: with PTSD, and trained to kill with my bare hands.
Luther

I have just finished reading your book. As an aside, I read all of it as is my custom. It is a nice melding of computers and basic Arthurian-style fantasy. I would like to give my opinion on several points.
First, your prose style is thick with a lot of (if you will) heavy words hitting the reader through the entire book. This isn't necessarily bad, but ties into my second point.
Your prose is littered with homonyms. I presume you are relying too heavily on the spell checker program.
Third, you have a basic lack of continuity. For example, the "Nancy" of the bed and breakfast is introduced to David and Kerrie twice several years apart. You describe something, then describe it again several paragraphs later.
I think with a really solid comprehensive rewrite this would be an excellent book. The ideas and characters are solid and the plot line works. When your writing comes together, it is very good.
Nancy

Hi,

I've re-read the Prologue and Chapter One and continued on to Chapter Two. Still needs a good line edit. The following are some samples of what I mean, but are not the only problems.

Prologue

Paragraph that starts "He forced focus". I think the meaning is wrong. It sounds like he remembers his name, but I don't think this should be the case.

"over whelmed" should be "overwhelmed"

Chapter 1

"The answer was not only would be found ..." Huh? I'm not even sure what you're trying to say here.

"laundry mat" should be "laundromat"

He still finishes his beer too soon after going outside to have a quiet drink and chat.

Chapter 2

"Kerries favorite coffee house" should be "Kerrie's favorite coffee house"

---

Overall the writing gets better as you go along. This happens with me as well, but of course as we are trying to grab the attention of the reader or potential agent or publisher this is probably to our detriment.

I was also a little concerned about the sections of omniscient point of view that you have at the end of the sections and chapter. However, if you do this consistently then I think you might be able to make this a feature of your story. Something that will differentiate it from other works.

My only thought is that perhaps you could put it at the front of the next chapter in place of the quotations that you are using as a sort of scene setting.

The reason why I suggest this is that if someone is reading your book, and stops at the end of a chapter, they have to turn back the page to read the piece of scene setting whereas if you put it at the beginning they will just open the book and have the scene set for them and keep reading.

On a writing level it also means that the setting text and the text it prefaces can be taken as a whole allowing you to move the sections around more easily. Whereas, the way you have it now inserting a new section means a lot of fiddling about.

Anyway these are just suggestions and I suspect it will depend very much on what a publisher will let you get away with. Do it well and they'll be lenient. If it doesn't work, they'll either reject it or, tell you to put this information into the text.

Anyway, hope this helps and keep writing.

Phill.

Hi Robert,

Sure I'll look at it again. Just let me know when you're ready.

Robert

I've got to agree with most of philberrie's points. For me you've got some nice ideas but I'm having some problems getting into your characters. If I knew why then I'd fix the problem in my own book. Perhaps you're too keen to get your ideas out on the page to let the characters develop naturally.

Also, one thing that's becoming apparent to me from looking at this site is that if you're unknown then you've got to get the story moving quickly; there's too much competition out there to expect the reader to wait a few chapters before the plot really gets going.

And lastly, having read an article about agents' and publishers' likes and dislikes, I believe it when it says that prologues aren't going to win you many friends because they too stop the story from getting going. I actually find yours quite intriguing (though it does need some brushing up as philberrie also mentioned) but wonder if it couldn't be worked into the main part of the story. That said, it is short and it is engaging so maybe not. It's definitely one of the better prologues I've seen so maybe a reviewer won't mind it in spite of the general rule of thumb.

I've watchlisted you as I think you have something interesting to say and believe you might be able to turn this into a captivating story.

Thank you kindly for your insights. I appreciate your candor and will consider carefully what is said. We all have weakness and you have pointed out some of mine though I do appreciate your willingness to continue with the tale.

Many thanks,

Bob

Hi,

Me again. I'm still intrigued and the prose in this chapter flowed more freely than the prologue. I still recommend a good line edit and reading the text aloud, though.

I am finding the setting of your scenes to be a big strength of your writing, but your description of your characters is letting you down. I have no real idea what the two main characters look like, except that I believe David is taller and stronger than Harrison because of the bear hug.

You also have a few continuity issues. For example in the first scene the two buy more beer before going outside to talk. Once outside you have David finish off his beer before starting in talking about his theories. This implies he is sculling his drink and seems at odds with their intention of having a nice quiet conversation.

Still on this scene I don't really think it advances the story enough. Its good at establishing the relationship between the two friends but I think you could have it do more by using it to foreshadow more of David's theories about the Heel stone. The way you gloss over this discussion at the moment is pretty poor, in my opinion, but more important is the missed opportunity. I think a lot of the info dump that occurs in the last section could have been put into this dock side discussion and because David's researches must only just be happening then you can keep the information suitable patchy and vague.

The last scene with the two friends was pretty good. It establishes them as true friends who have shared their student life, both the good and the bad, and are now being forced apart by their career choices. Obviously, they are going to come back together for the sake of the story but you have set that up really well.

I'm afraid I didn't like the last section. You've gone from great character interaction to an omniscient point of view where I'm left wondering who is speaking. Now considering your blurb I can see where such an omniscient point of view may be possible in the story, but if this is not the case then lose this section and give the reader this information in some other way. If this pov is deliberate then you need to frame it such that the reader realises its part of the story and not just the writer taking the easy way out.

I shall keep reading, but not tonight.

Keep writing.

Phillberrie.

Hi,

I'm a newbie on Authonomy, but a veteran critiquer on the Online Writer's Workshop. I'm also an Aussie so my spelling may differ from your's.

These are comments on your Prologue.

This is one of the more intriguing starts I've read today, so I will be reading on, but you are going to have to get someone to do a good line edit of your prose as I saw many mistakes in the beginning: problem with tenses, punctuation (especially apostrophes) and clumsy wording.

I find that reading a text aloud to myself can help prevent a lot of these sorts of errors. There is something about translating from text to speech that helps with the proof reading of a text and if you find yourself using different words then perhaps these are the words you should be using in your text.

Anyway, as I said before I'll read on and will add you to my watchlist - you are my first, by the way.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions useful.

Keep writing.

Phillberrie.