A King's Prisoner

Hi Rodrick
I stumbled across this book as I was surfing the net this lazy Sunday, and what a pleasure it has been reading it - you see, our paths would have crossed just before your release from DB. I was one of the MP's doing his national service, and being from the Jan 1982 intake, my time working at the DB started around August that year. Initially we were working shifts - if I remember correctly, it was 3 day shifts, 3 night shifts and 3 days off. Sometime early in 1983 I was on permanent day shift working with.....Corporal van de Bank! He was a good man and we got on very well together.
Your memory is definitely better than mine, but I'm sure I remember Colin. In 1983, I used to work over at the JW side of the DB (at the switchboard of all places, and which was next to the storeroom) - Grant, one of the JW's who had been kicked out of the community, used to often pop round for a chat. We got on very well together, with he being an ardent Everton fan and me a die-hard Leeds supporter, I would keep him up-to-date with all the soccer scores. Later on in our friendship, Colin would sometimes join us in our chats, although i remember him as being a bit reserved.
Grant and Colin never spoke about the difficulties they experienced in DB (certainly not to the extent that you talk about), although with hindsight I should have realised more than I actually did. But being young and naive,
I just wanted to get my national service over with, and thus missed out an on opportunity to be more supportive of them than I was.
Anyway, thanks for the memories and I wish you God's richest blessings.

Stephen

Hello Rodrick, I am a reader (only) here, and have just read your first chapter. First, the good news: This is an important story, and should be told. The Christian Witness is the most important, but also despite the political implications. On my WL for now; stars and bookshelf will depend on any changes and corrections you make.

Crits:
Pitch:
You indicate here this is a true story; if so, classify it as non-fiction, as well as religious.
Delete the extra (Authonomy) chapters 1, 2, and 3. Try to close up the large gaps between paragraphs and title headings, etc. They throw off the reader. Break your chapter 1, 2, 3, etc into the Authonomy ch 1, 2, 3, etc. Unless you mean each Authonomy chapter to be "Book 1", "Book 2", etc. If so, put that in.

(Authonomy) Ch 1:
Is this meant to be a title page? Or your first chapter? If a title page, you don't need it, and it throws off the reader, and makes it look as though you forgot something.

(your) Ch 1:
"The walls were high and seemed impenetrable. The prison warden...like giants..." -- you have two words "seemed" in these two sentences; suggest you change one to "appeared".
"...like giants and I took..." -- suggest a period after "giants", delete "and".
"...the keys to unlock gates..." -- you don't need "to unlock gates" as the reason, or the use of, the keys is implied.
"...my life was about...wallpaper to a wall." -- bad analogy -- let the "sticking" be shown in his later dialogue, actions and thoughts.
"Jehovah Witnesses'" -- should be "Jehovah's Witnesses"
"...remove my clothes...underclothes." -- these two words are too similar to each other; suggest you change "remove my clothes" to "disrobe". You have several places in just ch 1 were you use the same, or similar, words near each other. Suggest you look for, and change these.
"Suddenly someone noticed...religion?" -- change "attraction" to "attention".
Is the Bible-case holding more than the Bible? Your wording implies so; suggest you change to "when the Bible was revealed to be sole contents of the case, their faces..."
"Most citizens in developed and developing countries..." change "citizens" to "people". Since we all have to deal with crime, you don't need "in developed and developing countries", can change to "everywhere", but probably best to just delete it.
"Do you know Everett..." -- make this a new paragraph.
"Yes, I said. So are you..." -- two different people are speaking here. Make "So are you..." a new paragraph.
"...and summoned to meet...further questioning." -- does the MC leave the room? If not, he is already there and cannot be "summoned"; suggest you change to "and held for further questioning by the Staff Sergeant."
"Since Everett...too." -- Insert comma after "helpful" and insert also after "Christ would"; delete "too"
"...the example that Everett set..." insert comma after "set".
"...would doubt that God, thinking..." delete comma after "God" and insert semi-colon
"...military system and I ..." insert comma after "system"
"...would be viewed as a criminal for the..." -- again, here you have the same word twice in two sentences -- change the second one to "viewed as such for..."

Except in your short pitch, nowhere do you say why he is in prison. Don't let your short, or long, pitch carry the book. Perhaps you can have your MC think about this while he is trying to sleep. And, lastly, you need more dialogue in your first chapter. Perhaps you could turn some of your narrative into dialogue -- always better to "show" than to "tell".

Good luck and God bless,
kiddies, a reader

Rodrick,

Thanks for sharing your important story.

I didn't like the (18) near the beginning. Stick to just the words, everything else is just awkward and slows down the story.

Best regards
Warrick

Hello Rodrick, I felt duty bound to look at the work of a writer who shares the same name as myself - though I use my middle name - Strachan - as a nom de plume, my first name is Roderick! Slightly different spelling. Your book presents an interesting picture of an era that is perhaps little known outside South Africa - at least outside the immediate issue of apartheid. You clearly delineate the conflicting pressures of religious faith and the demands of military service, to create a dramatic situation and a readable book . Watchlisted and starred. Would you have the time to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon