Book Jacket

 

rank 507
word count 46866
date submitted 03.02.2012
date updated 07.01.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller
classification: moderate
incomplete

OF RUST AND RAIN

Tony Colina

Drip drip drip drip drip............the journey begins...........into a world made up......of rust and rain......drip drip drip drip drip drip........

 

Since his beloved wife died, music shop owner Bernard McArtrey, a childless widower in his forties, has continuously smelled rust. One day he finds a one-eyed girl in his shop. She's Hazelnut, on the run from Big Daddy and his army of thugs and perverted clients. The stories of sex exploitation and torture she tells him are too much for him to stand apart and just forget about it all.

What Bernard doesn't know: Big Daddy can see through Hazelnut's scooped-off eye, which he's implanted on himself. When Bernard makes a mistake, his own life is in danger. He and Hazelnut embark on a journey where they meet beautiful Queen, Big Daddy's sister. She's set up The Retreat, a place where BD's unfortunate victims can find shelter. She's waiting for Hazelnut to create the 'Tetra', the team that will go back to BD's mansion, fight and, hopefully, kill him.

But, as the old saying goes, 'all that glitters is not gold,' and this is what Bernard's going to find out.

 
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tags

abuse, action, fight, music, one eared victims, one eyed, rust rain, teenagers

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89 comments

 

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KristinVan26 wrote 197 days ago

Hi Tony!
I like that you start with what I assume is a car accident. The reader dives right into the action. But, it really threw me off with the choppy short sentences.

Ch 1 - Was totally confused reading the first few paragraphs until I understood what was happening, but it took until the second section of internal thoughts that the light bulb clicked for me.

Ch 2 - Spun a whirl wind for me too.

It reads like a very long poem. On the bright side, I found no grammar or spelling errors. Sorry I can't be more help.


Kristin
The Guardian

Blackrosidhe wrote 245 days ago

You requested that I give "Of Rust and Rain" a try several days ago. I'm halfway through, and while I like the premise, the characters, and the imagery - the sheer weight of trauma lingering in victims' minds, there are a couple things that I beleive should be a tad more hinted at:

From the beginning, I can feel the weight of Bernard’s loss. Why, I wonder, does everything to him smell like rust? Is it the stench of splintered metal from a crash, forever playing in his mind against a backdrop of endless rain? It’s an interesting sense for someone to cling to, but what was it that made him remember rust?

I also wonder sometimes whose past it is I’m reading in italics. The brothers and sisters tortured by their parents – and only Isaac was chosen and named that night – the first time it showed what the family in the stick house was like – did Isaac become Big Daddy? Or was that Big Daddy and Isaac is one of his beasts now?

Lara wrote 257 days ago

I liked the premise and I think you capture quite well the desperate grief/anger the protagonist is suffering. The style in which you write this works well for a first chapter. One thing jarred - although from the following paragraphs it was clear that he was remembering their last love-making, the earlier reference to going for her arsehole confused. I'd tweak this.

It's a matter of preference, but I believe you reduce the impact of the style by letting it go on in the further chapters.

Good to see a different approach and a real stab at capturing a man suffering in such a situation.

Rosalind Minett
A RELATIVE INVASION
SPEECHLESS

12th Disciple wrote 270 days ago

Tony,

The most unique formatting for a book I have seen on this site. Vacillation between poetry, prose, and tense. Kind of has a feel similar to the Sin City movie in 2006 with Bruce Willis.

The reader must be in the right frame of mind to tackle a book like this. The style is a little more involved than the traditional approach to telling stories. I followed most of the writings. At times, I felt like I was on a roller-coaster and floating out of my seat against the steel of a safety bar, only to find myself being pulled back into my seat by G-forces and doing a loopTloop (I like some of the words you've fused together).

Very unique style and I wish you well. Cheers! Maybe Stainless Steel and Sunshine for the follow-up.

DM Perryman wrote 290 days ago

Hello Mr. Colina:

I am new to this type of peer review so please bear with me if I seem a little disjointed in my comments.

Finished reading the 20 chapters you uploaded here. The style of the narrative is a bit awkward at first but you eventually get used to it. It has a haiku feel to it. It seems to be written at a more visceral or emotional level. Not exactly full thoughts just flashes of emotion trying to become thoughts. As a mechanism to convey Bernard's feelings of despair and frustration it works. Although you may find some people can't get past the opening to get to the meat of your book.

There was some confusion at times with the internal dialogue of the voices in Bernard's head .I have the same problem with the voices mine (Shaddup! I'm tellin' Him! I'm tellin' him!). The italics do help but it is hard at times to identify which voice is talking.

If you're looking to scare the Twilight crowd, Well Done! It's kinda like Mick Jagger showing Justin Beiber what rock and roll is really supposed to be. The darkness in your book took shape as the story progressed . It was part of what drew me further in to the story; wanting to find the edges and how deep it goes.

The back stories of the abuse of Big Daddy's different victims adds a level of horror that will make some people uncomfortable but I assume that was your intent. To show the reader what is squirming in the dark corners. So far it has not seemed to be gratuitous but I would counsel caution at how much more you want to add for the rest of the story. If it furthers the story by all means use them but you have well established that Big Daddy is a bad man that does horrible things. Any more and I fear your book will be dismissed as some kind of comic or porn.

The idea of keeping his minions faceless and unknown is good ; easier to use and dispose of as needed. This "faceless-ness"also helps build the feeling of dread when they appear. You may want to consider fleshing them out to add some more texture and depth.

Over all a good read once yo get in stride with it. I give it high stars.

If you find the time, i would appreciate a return read on my book Redeemer.
Good Luck with "Of Rust and Rain".

DM Perryman
Redeemer-Book One

BL1 wrote 293 days ago

Something rhythmic about your writing. I feel Bernard's loss. The style of your writing is different. I liked it and wanted to show you my support by commenting as well.

Morven James wrote 323 days ago

Hi Tony, Your style is certainly different, and different is good. But I got confused with the story line, or maybe I'm just having a bad day at the typeface. You have many followers, so the best of luck, Morven

Annie43 wrote 331 days ago

Hi Tony.

I have just spent most of the day reading all 20 chapters. It's a difficult read; full of loss and longing. The light moments make the dark ones even moreso; bleak with brief rays of optimism. Your use of language is interesting and hypnotic and though I appreciate your use of repetition, I don't think you always need it.
The Jury's still out on the Queen. I'm interested to know why these kids and the Queen have the four elements. (makes me wonder if they're all in some way related and, let's face it, that wouldn't be too difficult-ick)
There are some words missed out in sentences although not many. Sorry, I didn't make a note of where they were. (too busy reading!) The dialogue reads Scottish at times (hen, Aye) but that is only the passing whimsy of a Scottish reader. A fabulous choice of words on display in pages too numerous to mention. It's the kind of story that sits with you long after reading; easy to devour but difficult to digest. I want to finish your book when it's uploaded but even I am scared to go down into the chambers with the four (five?) of them to see what happens next. Big Daddy, the name of a cuddly wrestler from my 70's childhood, can never be thought of in the same way again. Too unsettling and well written not to get very high stars.

A.E.Kirton wrote 332 days ago

This is already gripping. Bernard's pain comes across well and I found the constant use of the rain to amplify the emotions of the chapter. Will definitely continue reading when I have time.

BeeJoy wrote 344 days ago

Tony - I (Mona from the Bethany and Mona team) like Bernard and feel his loss - Hazelnut's intro is heart-wrenching - and then the evil ones... I couldn't keep reading because it is too grisly for me but your writing is powerful, the style so fitting of the tale - really drawing the reader in - in a horrifying way - yet already having to cheer on the good characters - hoping for them to triumph... unique - macabre - creepily brilliant...

Pino Marcovecchio wrote 357 days ago

Hello Tony,

Read several chapters, coincidentally it was raining outside. I concur with most of the other reviewers; your style is indeed unique and makes for an interesting read.

Good luck.
Pino - Espresso & Sambuca, Insights to Happiness view book

cballen wrote 365 days ago

Read a good deal of it. I kept waiting for the flashback, staccato wording to end and the story to give me a better flow. Then I realized that this is the story. A frightful poem of gore, fear, tragedy and triumph. Like everyone else, I was locked in after teh first chapter, half out of wanting the writing to smooth out and half obsessed with putting the pieces of thought and grime together. If you are considering making this into a graphic novel, I want in. I am a fine artist first, I didn't actually start writing till last year and I'm 35. If it would be okay with you, I would like to take a "stab" at creating some images from the scenes. Maybe if you publish it, you could fulfill all of the request on here for some visual graphics. It certainly does read like a poetic graphic novel. Let me know and give me a few weeks. I'll send you some art. At the very least, you'll get to see how another person might interpret your vision. Great work. ALL STARS, FULLY BACKED!
CB

Katefin wrote 370 days ago

Lyrical, terrifying, outstanding writing. Your book is utterly gripping and compelling. It is like a dark poem, which just sucked me in as a reader. I have read 4 chapters, and will read to the end. This must be one of the best books on the site. Well done!

KirkH wrote 373 days ago

Hi Tony,
I got up to four chapters of "Rust and Rain" before I ran out of time.
It's really a gritty type of mystery, crime, psychological thriller with the relationship between the widower Bernard and the one-eyed girl, Hazelnut, who is fleeing from a sex offender; Big Daddy. It reminds me a lot of some dark, black-and-white Hitchcok movie. I think that's the best way to picture it. Everyone starts out feeling shitty because of their pasts, but when Bernard focus on helping save Hazelnut, it gives him hope again. Perhaps that's the hook that makes this story come together. It gets a little nerving with the endless one-wrod sentences. The drip-drip stuff is great, and its cool when you throw it in from time to time to annoy Bernard, and keep the reader on his/her toes. I see a lot of potential on this, even though it's not my cup of tea. But there deinately is an audience who would love it.
All the best.
Kirk

Tarzan For Real wrote 392 days ago

Tony I had to come back by and re-visit a great novel. Keep promoting "Of Rust And Rain". It is great stuff and deserves a larger audience.

Thanks for your previous backing and support as well.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight", & "The Wings of the Seraph"

Trenor wrote 402 days ago

I am realy liking your unique, rythmic, and emotional writing style + the compelling plot.
This would also make a great graphic novel as well (is Frank Miller for hire?)- lots of image possibilites here.

HIGH STARS for Of Rust and Rain!

-Trenor
If you should ever find yourself with some spare time someday, I invite you to check out THE LORDS OF INVENTION. Any ratings or constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 414 days ago

Read swap - Of Rust and Rain

Very interesting story-teling... I actually like the repetition of 'drips' and it reminded me of a graphic novel without the images. Your words paint enough of a picture anyhow that i didn't need them.

I know nothing about poetry, so this might not mean anything, but to me - this is very poetic.

well done,
Jaclyn x
My Life Without Me

Fontaine wrote 422 days ago

Oh, my giddy aunt. This is riveting! I almost stopped reading at the eyes and ears part as the imges in my head were too painful (and will stay with me for a long time) but this is a really original and thrilling and touching book. I've read seven chapters so far and will read more soon. I really don't know what to say. The style is wierd but it suits the story perfectly. You write very well indeed. Poetic. Moving. Gutwrenching. I'll back this when the desk clears at the end of the month. Brilliant. Really, really brilliant.

jessicaminor wrote 424 days ago

it is on my watchlist... i am currently working on 4 stories myself i hope to have one ready in a month or so. i'll read it soon

hockgtjoa wrote 425 days ago

You have some very interesting elements of special powers and in general your writing carries your story. I personally don't connect with stream of consciousness plus sentence fragments but this seems to work for your story. I also feel that you are rationing the revelations--one or two a chapter; this makes the chapters too abrupt for my taste. Best wishes.

Seringapatam wrote 460 days ago

A lot of imagination here and although I struggled at first with the story managed to pick it up later on. No problem I didnt have a problem with the flow as some did. Good effort. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please Consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Truth One Note In wrote 463 days ago

Deep and dark.
Emotion claws at the reader from all angles.
You have a smooth form of writing, though the idea and plot are a hard read.
The main character has a
Everything seems in order with your book. My complements on that, though it is totally not my sort of read usually.
Toni [Cavern of Time]

Darrne Hollinshead wrote 463 days ago

Saw this is the news list and had a gander, this novel screams horror and tragedy. The tragedy is something others have picked up all ready, I'm looking forward to diving straight into it head first. :)

With Respect,

Darren, Frontier.

emarie wrote 465 days ago

Tony, I found myself thinking this would make a great poem about the rain....until I made it to the first four letter word (f). Then I almost stopped reading because it seemed out of place and unwarranted. I read a little further and I realized it was saying more than it was saying. It is fast paced and disjointed but I think it is intended to be because of the tragedy. I don't know how it fits...though. I would have to read more. --emarie Jackson Jacob Henry Brown, III

Software wrote 502 days ago

Great title for a novel reminiscent of something that Steinbeck might have composed. This is weepy, and a tearjerker as well as fast paced thriller, intended to engage the reader from page one. It is well constructed with some unusual and unexpected turns combined with good character portraits and a convincing narrative. It remains unfinished but I am sure the author will sustain the quality of the tale to ensure its ending is similarly satisfying. Highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 521 days ago

Tony,

Can't . . . stop . . . reading! I meant to read 2 or 3 chapters and here I've just finished 8! Of Rust and Rain is a curiously addictive, violent, foul-mouthed urban fairy tale. The sentence fragments reflect the broken, fragmented lives of Bernard and Hazelnut. I'm rooting for them to save each other and defeat Big Daddy, a real ogre if ever there was one with his cabinet of eyes and ears. Ew! At first it seemed like this would be a regular story about grief and loss and misery, and then things turned weird in a hurry. Love the sound effects, especially the Joycean thunderclaps. And the record store, the "only place that still glows." And how great loss reveals uncanny power in some people -- Hazelnut can travel through walls, Bernard can smell evil. I can see this as a graphic novel.

No nitpicks, either. Idiosyncratic as it is, the text is clean and clear.

Six stars, and all best wishes.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Jane Mauret wrote 555 days ago

Hello, Tony
I like the mingling of the pounding rain and Bernard’s hangover.
I can see him immediately by your few well-chosen words.

(Not sure if we need to get the Adidas logo description as well as the word.)

“shoulder seams on shoulder bones” (nice).

Your writing is almost like poetry. You are taking a risk here but I think it works – for a while. If there is too much, I think we need interim contrast to appreciate the style, otherwise it loses its power (if you see what I mean).

It’s like too much of anything good – like snorkelling down 2 big boxes of chocolates all at once (!).

You paint the feeling of a cold, sharp raindrop in the eye very well.
“rills and rivulets of darker white” (good).

I noticed the repetition of the word ‘grey’ ; and unfortunately, also thought of the Shades of Grey series. What I mean is, if it is likely that the reader’s mind will make other allusions, then that disrupts the point you are trying to make (this is just bad luck for you of course)
.
Like the first sentence in chapter 4; has a nice ring to it; and also the interaction with the shop person.

Is the theme of rust related to the idea of blood and his dead wife; just as we describe the taste of blood as being like copper?

I enjoyed Bernard’s inner self-talk which was quite humorous at times.

We really get an idea of Bernard’s grief in the passage beginning “House sold afterwards…”

Whilst I am liking the characters and the story, I have just a couple of presentation queries: I think people find a lot of italics hard to read. It is ok for some proper nouns and emphasis. Perhaps you could find a different font to indicate these long stretches (I am in the same boat, combining 2 stories in one. I will be using 2 fonts once my memoir is ready to be included).

Also, with every sentence starting on a new line and many of them very short, the reader’s eyes are constantly moving very quickly and I think this might be, quite literally, physically tiring.

My book started off in a similar fashion and I still have not fixed all that up (people actually said they found it disjointed to read when there were no full paragraphs).

Apart from that, I think this book is unusual and it is always a plus to be unique. You have a great way with words. I could only read a little at a time which is not necessarily a critique except that such a book makes extra demands of a reader which may limit the audience. Not sure – just a thought.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing how your book is received and really hope it pans out well for you.
Bye for now.
Jane Mauret
MALDIVES MUSLIMS ME

Margaret Anthony wrote 599 days ago

I love what I call 'machine gun' writing. Rat-a-tat-tat, each precisely aimed sentence is aimed perfectly for instant impact. The words are sometimes deadly, sometimes humerous, maybe sad, but concentration grabbing and hugely readable.
Clearly this is a story for now and at times the darkness becomes oppressive, but we read on hoping to find some joy. Will we? I haven't read enough to know. But what I have found out is this is written with an unique hand from a clever storyteller who plays mind games with phrasing and flow.
Finding Rust and Rain has been a pleasure so starred and on my shelf. Margaret.

John Philip wrote 600 days ago

I have dipped into this rather than try and read it straight off. Incredibly imaginative a well written, with the momentum and style maintained right the way through. An extraordinarily good piece of work.
John Philip

Casimir Greenfield wrote 601 days ago

The opening is pure poetry. It sings. The senses are immediatley engaged. It's visceral. Burroughs territory.

I found the unrelenting monotone of the rain motif a perfect foil for the drama that blew in around it. Fine writing. Not for everyone, maybe, but the reader expecting depth and originality will be hooked. My one doubt was the use of the word 'plonk'. It has slightly the wrong connotations for me, but that's just me.

And on we go through the book. Your description and narrative require work from your reader. Bull's Dick size? You gotta know about it. Guy stuff... The way your throw in character detail ('can't believe her eye' - wow, that tells us so much!)

So, I'm hooked buddy. I'm a musician, I write my books symphonically. You too write musically. This is read-aloud at lietrary festival kind of a book. I can hear the music in there. Saw John Cooper Clarke live a couple of years ago. He was brilliant. This would make a great evening's entertainment. Hard and gritty and musical. I'd queue up in the rain for a ticket any dark and gloomy night.

So this is going on my shelf right now with a multitude of stars.

You might have guessed that I like this a bit.

THanks for reminding me to dip in. Life cchanging moment.

IamBerry wrote 612 days ago

This is so very interesting and so different than anything I have read so far. It's a bit short and choppy, but it seems to work. You have a very unique style and an intriguing story. Best of luck with your writing and lots of stars my friend! Thank you again for offering up a trade, it is truly appreciated!!

Sharrie,
Splash of Color

R. Dango wrote 613 days ago

This is a very strong stuff. I can't decide if it's a thriller or a poem. Every scene is visual and yet, there is no waste of word. I am totally taken in. Just brilliant!

Mzanzi wrote 613 days ago

Great! Unconventional. I'm buzzed by it - completely. The style is wonderful, even if it takes some getting used to. Well done, mate! Backed!!!

Torkuda wrote 615 days ago

I really liked the story. Here is my full review:
http://dannyjray.blogspot.com/2012/08/of-rust-and-rain-review.html

I said it in the review and I'll say it again, I like the unique writing style, but it may present problems. I just have no idea how to get past that.

Most of what I have to say is good, but I'll highlight the problems here real quick.

The battle between Queen and Big Daddy in which I THINK Queen is mauled by dogs, is really hard to follow. I strongly suggest trying to make things easier to understand. Also, even characters like Oliver Twist were given happy memories among a fair amount of dark ones. Give Hazelnut some kind of variety to her emotional past, not just one torture after another. Kids starve in Africa, but they also play games and sing songs too and its almost insulting to paint someone as having a life ONLY composed of suffering.

Lenny Banks wrote 616 days ago

Hi Tony, I read chapter 5. Wo this is really powerful if somewhat dark stuff. I loved the flow, and once I got used to your particular style it was easy to follow. The story had me gripped, I wanted to know how it was going to end you are a master of suspense. I really enjoyed it, thank you.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

Torkuda wrote 618 days ago

Shockingly good. I'll be doing a full review of this soon.

Maureenaries wrote 618 days ago

Too much for me I am afraid. I just couldnt connect with the story line, the writing or the characters. I do wish you well. Maureen

David F. Norman wrote 622 days ago

This is an absolutely horrid story. It is filled with perverted sex, sadism, violence, drunkenness, and ugly magic. The sentences are incomplete, the action jumps at a whirlwind pace from inside an evil mind to one damaged soul to another. Whew! I cannot imagine why anyone would buy this book -- Except me and anyone else who gets a whiff of Rust and Rain.

This has to be the most peculiar story I have read in a long time. Somehow the author makes this jerky, jumpy, weird tale come together and make sense. After reading all fifteen posted chapters, I was disappointed when it ended. I was so enthralled with the story, that any technical errors escaped me. If the author can maintain this pace through the remainder of the story, I can easily visualize an editor somewhere saying, "Fuck it. Set it in type just like it is!"

I can only wish the author well with his unconventional approach. All the stars there are and on the shelf for a while. Get off yer arse and give me more! (been reading too much British)

Abby Vandiver wrote 622 days ago

Well, this certainly makes you have to think. I did, however, find it somewhat confusing and hard to follow. Had to really think and go back over it to understand. Some places are wordy like "It just begun. Right now." They mean the same. The sentence fragments made it hard to follow, which I must believe that you meant to do, seeing you teach English. How does the rain hit him if he's inside? Perhaps, the other chapters are different. I will come back and check them out. But I do think if you want to tell a story, you shouldn't make it so hard for the reader to do.

Silver Tongue wrote 622 days ago

I've read the first three chapters of this and I'm both creeped out and drawn in. Thanks much for telling me of your story. I will certainly read more!

Maureenaries wrote 622 days ago

Hi tony, will certainly read of rust and rain. I would love you to look at the godfathers of London and I would appreciate our views thank ou Maureen

Chancelet wrote 634 days ago

Hi Tony,

Read the first chapter. Interesting, and with the pitch, it makes me want to know more of what's going to happen. I like the poetic phrasing. I'd say the hardest thing about this is the text size. I have it at the largest text size, but it's still especially the itallics are very hard to read.

A Nerdy Rogue wrote 636 days ago

Hi, I like your story, but I think it needs a little something added - not sure what, but I think something could help it flow a little bit more. Don't get me wrong, I love your style and the way that the points are concise but I found it was a bit hard to keep reading.
I found the image of the world was painted quite vividly and and the storyline was quite interesting.
Quite DARK, but awesome.
I didn't get to read it all, but I'm looking forward to reading more.

- Bree

Murasaki Hideki wrote 637 days ago

Hi Tony,

I started reading the first chapter but I'm sorry to say that I just couldn't get into it. However, I want to give you credit for your style which is short, concise and abrupt. While I do not prefer such a style, I know there are people who do. I have given you a 6 out of 6 rating and I will add this book to my watchlist. I'm sorry that I cannot add it to my bookshelf as I have already committed myself to the ones on it presently. I will consider backing your book next month.
Best of luck to you! It seems that your book is already very popular. You will go far!

Best, Murasaki

Jacqueline Malcolm wrote 645 days ago

Hey Tony - as promised I read the first chapter and would DEFINITELY want to keep reading this book!!! It's so beautifully written that it's almost poetic. I loved seeing the rain through Bernard's eyes and was immediately transported into his world - the pain he was feeling from the sudden and tragic loss of his wife, Meg. I sincerely believe this book will do great and I rated it high and added it to my WL so that I can include it on my bookshelf for next month (as I'm already full for July...). You should be very proud of this - very very beautifully written - congrats - Jac :)

Inkysparrow wrote 646 days ago

A very visual and rather disturbing tale. The pared down language gives the tale impact. It took me a bit to understand it, and I have a feeling I should re-read. All in all a very gripping book. Lots of stars

Yours,
Sparrow

P. Frank Lyn wrote 647 days ago

Hi Bernard

Read your first chapter. Second wouldn't load for some reason. Interesting style. Felt the Bob Marley reference at the end of chapter one detracted from the drama to remain in the story unless this represented a crucial aspect of the main character's personality. For me personally I'd keep humour and wry comments seperate from dramatic sections because they can knock against one another and cancel each other out.

In terms of your style/ genre whose term has just fallen out of my head...was very interested because my novel is similar; principally ordinary reality with a sprinkling of impossibility thrown in, but the emphasis is on ordinary. Normally I wouldn't be drawn to a story that focuses on sex exploitation and torture for mere titilation but was interested to see your style.

May take another look when Chapter 2 is working.

E.R. Yatscoff wrote 653 days ago

Okay, I read this far and not sure where the story's going. By chapter four there still isn't a story and it tried my patience. I like stories with a solid base of a first chapter cementing in time and place and at least a sense of getting on a trail. You're beating readers over the head with the rain. I think half could be cut as well as long, sound effects. Your sentences are short and choppy;varying the length would read better. Always begin a story with the action. I'd put Hazelnut first as she's far more interesting. The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman says it all.

Phoenix Grey wrote 662 days ago

Just read the first two chapters and I am interested by the style of it. I have never read anything quite like it before. I like the way the memories are inserted as the piece moves along, you get the feel that you really are in the characters minds. Because the writing style is so different it took me just about to the end of the first chapter to adjust to it and understand it - this is probably just me. I like the story idea. Hazelnut's story is touching, I really felt sorry for her. I really think that this has potential - looking forward to reading the rest. Highly starred and good luck.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 676 days ago

OF RUST AND RAIN
This is a different than usual story. Bernard is a good main character; very sympathetic because his wife has died and everything around him smells like rust (although I can’t say I know what rust smells like). I like the way you’ve written the back story of his wife as flashbacks; allows Bernard to live through this again; gives it a different tone than if you had done that as a prologue. Big Daddy is a good contrast to him (a good contrast to anybody); not a character I’d like to meet in a dark alley. Poor Hazelnut with no eye is tragic. And then to top all that off, you’ve added a very distinct writing style – well done. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

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