Book Jacket

 

rank 2239
word count 61655
date submitted 04.02.2012
date updated 30.01.2013
genres: Fiction, Romance, Young Adult, Crim...
classification: moderate
complete

Not So Sweet Sixteen

Melissa Koehler

Being curious got me into too much trouble. Now, I'm paying for it.

 

Sam has never been an average teenager. Sam, adopted and a loner, is tired of hiding her secrets... and being kept from even more. When she accidently discovers a strange note hidden in the basement relating to a boy she's involved with, Sam is propelled into a mystery she's driven to solve. Event after event, Sam learns more and more about her past, each new item being more painful than the last. Intrigued to know more, but at the same time, extremely hard to take in, Sam wonders if she would have been better off not knowing.

 
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tags

adoption, art, baby, betrayal, boys, crime, drawing, father, lies, love, mother, murder, mystery, painting, secrets, sketching

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39 comments

 

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Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 770 days ago

I have just read chapter 1 and must admit that I am not a great fan of YA books but I really liked this. You have packed in such a catalogue of emotions in this first chapter. I like the way you have built up Sam's character so that I felt that I had really gotten under her skin and got a glimpse of what makes her tick. The most important thing here to me is her dysfunctional relationship with her parents and how this has had a profound affect on her personality. She has built up a tough veneer to the outside world when all she really wants is to find true love. She is attracted to Alex because of his bad boy status but I get the feeling that somewhere in there she is hoping that he will fall for her and that she will be the one that tames him. When I read Alex's viewpoint of things he came across as a very shallow classic bad boy type who doesn't see much beyond what is tucked inside his trousers. I am sure I won't be the only one who was reading this thinking boy you've got a shock coming to you if you think Sam is going to be a pushover! The flaws in Sam's personality is what makes her so interesting (in my opinion) and not just the run-of-the-mill teenager and it is this that makes me want to read on and find out how she is going to cope with what life is about to throw at her. Excellent writing skills. Well done.

Kim (Pain)

Teeny Tiny Tambo wrote 798 days ago

Hi Melissa, I've read all seven chapters and have to say, you're writing just gets better and better. I love the fact that it's written from two people's POV so you get to see both sides of the story. Sam is an interesting character and I like the fact that she treats guys the way guys usually treat girls. She's my kind of person!

You deal with alot of issues relevant to teenagers today; love, relationshiops, betrayal, abandonment, drugs and many more. The part where Sam finds out who her mother is had my heart racing. Great twist to the story and a sure way to keep your readers hooked.

Lastly, I loved watching Alex unravel. When he finally realised he felt something deeper than lust for Sam, but didn't want to admit it, I found myself smiling. So like a guy! You've managed to capture his 'voice' well, considering your a female writer. Well done :)

I really enjoyed this, so well written and full of drama.
I'm definitely shelfing it.
Highly rated!

Yasmin
- Guileless

Davidmauriceware wrote 801 days ago

Hello Melissa, I just read your 1st chapter and I must say ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL JOB. This book here is a winner. It captured my attention instantly and held it. highly starred and going onto my w/l until I can finish reading it. I will be showing much support. Start practicing your signature, because you are the real deal and will be signing many autographs in the near future.:)
David Ware
A True thug Willsin

Julio Guzman wrote 803 days ago

Hi Melissa,
I just read the first chapter and I LOVED it. The well flowing dialogue, the vivid descriptions, the colorful characters. The one thing that I really found interesting about this chapter was the way you jumped from Sam's point of view to Alex. It's funny how you get to hear what they're thinking and what they actually say and do in real life, I think it's a very fun and unique way to keep the readers completely aware of what's going on. I could go on and on about this book, I loved it!


Six stars and the best of luck!

Roy Belletete wrote 803 days ago

Hi Melissa,

I've read the first part but not all. The writing is clear and your scenes are vivid. Your dialogue comes off quite believable. You have a talent for writing and after I found the hook at the end of your second chapter I was quite interested and wanted to know more.
Best of luck to you,
Roy

Andrewallen82 wrote 240 days ago

You are a natural YA writer talent. you know just how to reveal the emotions of this type in life and the jealousy of friends the and the angst the main character feels during this ordeal is pitch-perfect for this type of story. Any teenager or newly college student would be able pickup and feel every moment of emptions for this type of story form the very beginning I give you kudos to be able to convey this type of angst in real life girls especially so much of it is real trivial but at the moment it is everything. the manuscript for the most part is polished and I enjoy the voice of the narrator. it make sit quite easy to follow along and I believe with a little more polish you have winder on your hands. the relationship with her parents, friends makes evderything that much more real and makes it easier for the reader connect with the MC. Good job so far I have it 4 and half stars and Iwill continue reading consider yourself watchlisted and I will check about and post my comments on each chapter here on after. thanks for sharing your story good lucki. Andrew-Forsaken

RTC wrote 602 days ago

Hi Melissa...I'm here for our swap read!

I like your prologe - I found myself instantly wondering why the characters were in the courtroom and I wanted to read more to find out. My only suggestion here would be to start with Sam and Ryan being in the courtroom in the first paragraph to make it a little more gripping and then have Sam going over her though processes in the following paragraphs.

You have a real knack for dialogue - the conversations seemed natural and effortless and their voices were unique.

I stumbled a little over this sentence:

I wanted him bad and no matter what she said wouldn't change that and honestly, she knew that already.

It might be a little clearer if you changed it around a bit. For example:

I wanted him badly. Nothing she said could change that and honestly, she already knew this.

I enjoy the way you write, but one other thing I noticed (particularly because this is something that I noted in my own work and fixed up in later drafts) that there are particular words that come up frequently, like the word 'was' which could be taken out to make a smoother read.

For example:

'I was used to ignoring her lectures. She was always fighting with me about the guys I liked.' Could be changed to. I was used to ignoring her lectures. She always fought with me about the guys I liked.


This is a lovely book and I wish it well. Thanks for the comments you left for Undaunted :)

Blessings,
Rachelle

RTC wrote 602 days ago


Not So Sweet Sixteen is charming and you have the knack for dialogue. The converstaions seem natural and effortless. The prologue was interesting and I found myself wanting to know more about the situation surrounding the courtroom events. My only suggestion here would be to maybe start with Sam & Ryan in the courtroom awaiting the verdict (the first paragraph) to make it more instantly gripping and then show her thought processes afterward (this is something I'd like to work on a little more in my own prologue!).

I stumbled a little over this sentence:
-I wanted him bad and no matter what she said would change that and honestly, she knew that already

A good alternative might be something like this:
-I wanted him badly and nothing she said could change this. Honestly, she already knew that.

I would also suggest that you limit repetetive words like 'was' to make things seem a little more immediate
For example:

I was used to ignorning her lectures. She was always fighting with me about the guys I liked.

could become

I was used to ignoring her lectures. She always fought with me about the guys I liked.

It's a very minor change but I find it makes for an easier read. Overall I enjoyed what you have here and hopefully you find my suggestions helpful, but feel free to ignore if they're not!

Rachelle
Undaunted

Kristen Lusk wrote 628 days ago

Hey Melissa, I just finished reading the Prologue and Chapter One of NOT SO SWEET SIXTEEN. Your characters have great voices, and they are each unique in their own way. I really liked that part of your book.

From what I gather, Eliza is the 'thinker'. She plans in advance and considers the effects her actions will have on her life. Sam is an adventurer, and even though she doesn't want to admit it, she really is looking for attention. She just can't seem to find the right kind. Alex is a typical bad boy, and I think you have captured his voice really well. The only time I felt a shift in viewpoint, from Alex to the narrator, was when he compared Sam to a Greek goddess. As readers, we only see him as a shallow, "man whore", based on the info Sam and Eliza have given us. If Alex is going to soften up, and if he really has a sweet side to him, maybe you can show subtle hints to that. For example, instead of him seeing Sam as a hot girl with a nice body, maybe he can notice the way her eyes light up when she enters art class, or the slow frown that forms when Ryan holds Eliza. Allow him to see there is more to Sam than other guys realize, and slowly, let Alex discover that her differences are what makes her worth keeping around.

I think the prologue as a whole is very interesting and contains a lot of suspense, but I have to admit, I sort of forced myself to keep reading. We are brought into this stressful situation and Eliza tells us how afraid and nervous she is, but nothing is revealed until the last few chapters. Readers are all about now, now, NOW! If you started the prologue by allowing the readers to experience Eliza's anxiety, it would be great for emotional suspense. Then, describe how the court room looks/feels. Is it hot in the room, but Eliza has chills? Are there whispers among the audience? Do people feel like Alex is guilty? Does Alex look scared, relieved, are there beads of sweat on his forehead? Does he look remorseful?

There is foreshadowing about Alex saving Sam, and I think it works for suspense. Eliza appears to be really concerned about Alex, but if she and Sam are such great friends, I think she would be thinking about Sam a lot during the trial. For example, how would Sam feel about the verdict? What would she be doing/saying, if she were in the court room?

Your story's plot is interesting, and I think you have the makings of a great story. The suggestions above are just my thoughts, and I hope you take them in the sincere, helpful manner they were intended. As I read more, I will add more comments, but so far, SO GOOD! :)

Be sure to check out my book, THE KEEPER, as I am always looking for helpful advice and suggestions. Thanks!!

Kristen

Alecia Stone wrote 642 days ago

A good start to a promising book. I love a good mystery and the end of chapter two certainly left me hungry for more. It needs a little tightening in places, but for the most part, it is well written. I'm liking it, so far. The characters are likeable and Alex sounds HOTT.

Looking forward to finding out more.

Alecia :)

Melissa Koehler wrote 652 days ago

Thanks very much for your comment. I really appreciate it.
The book is actually not set in England, it's set in Canada. In Ontario, there are cities that share the names of cities in Europe, such as London and Paris. And as for saying the book is incomplete, I only did that because the book is still being edited and I'm not one hundred percent happy with the turn this book took. I have a couple different versions and this one I am not in love with just yet. But thanks again for your helpful comments! :)

Having read everything that is uploaded here, i can see that this book has a great premis.
Sam is a great main character, strong and independant, but she still has flaws which make her easier to relate to. I also like the transition you have shown with Alex from a 'bad boy' to a caring, sensitive boyfriend.
The dialogue is clear and to the point, with nothing being written that is of little importance. However, i did feel that sometimes the language used by sam wasn't fitting for her character and a bit too old fashioned (e.g. 'how so?').
The prologue, is everything it should be: short intriguing and adding another dimention to the story. I really liked Eliza's perspective, and actually think her 'voice' could have been utilised more in the novel to give the story an extra strand. Also, although Ryan is mentioned breifly, i don't think we saw enough of him for him to really be a developed and believable character.
I did like the opening chapter, i think that we were given a bit too much information about Sam, being told rather than shown her personality (this is not the case in later chapters though), it just needs to be done throughout consistently.
The prose is polished and descriptive, as with anything, there were a few minor spelling mistakes and sentences that didn't flow quite right, but this is easily rectified.
I was a little thrown however, to discoveer that this was actually set in England as some of the language used, suggested an american setting, so i was quite surprised when Sam and Alex only had to drive a couple of hours to London.
Also, i think the reveal about Sam's past needs a bit of expanding for me as it felt a little rushed, and so less believable.
Despite these points, this novel had me hooked from the outset and has lots of potential.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck with this book.
4 stars and added to my wl
Amy :)
P.S. i was just wondering, whether what you have uploaded here is the complete manuscript as although it says it's it's incomplete, you have an epelogue uploaded which would suggest a conclusion to the story.

Amy Smith wrote 652 days ago

Having read everything that is uploaded here, i can see that this book has a great premis.
Sam is a great main character, strong and independant, but she still has flaws which make her easier to relate to. I also like the transition you have shown with Alex from a 'bad boy' to a caring, sensitive boyfriend.
The dialogue is clear and to the point, with nothing being written that is of little importance. However, i did feel that sometimes the language used by sam wasn't fitting for her character and a bit too old fashioned (e.g. 'how so?').
The prologue, is everything it should be: short intriguing and adding another dimention to the story. I really liked Eliza's perspective, and actually think her 'voice' could have been utilised more in the novel to give the story an extra strand. Also, although Ryan is mentioned breifly, i don't think we saw enough of him for him to really be a developed and believable character.
I did like the opening chapter, i think that we were given a bit too much information about Sam, being told rather than shown her personality (this is not the case in later chapters though), it just needs to be done throughout consistently.
The prose is polished and descriptive, as with anything, there were a few minor spelling mistakes and sentences that didn't flow quite right, but this is easily rectified.
I was a little thrown however, to discoveer that this was actually set in England as some of the language used, suggested an american setting, so i was quite surprised when Sam and Alex only had to drive a couple of hours to London.
Also, i think the reveal about Sam's past needs a bit of expanding for me as it felt a little rushed, and so less believable.
Despite these points, this novel had me hooked from the outset and has lots of potential.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck with this book.
4 stars and added to my wl
Amy :)
P.S. i was just wondering, whether what you have uploaded here is the complete manuscript as although it says it's it's incomplete, you have an epelogue uploaded which would suggest a conclusion to the story.

Shannon Edwards wrote 654 days ago

I have read a few chapters and have a few comments. I like the prologue and how it builds up that there is a big event that happens and how it involves all the characters that you are about to introduce us to but I feel that the writing could do with another round of edits. There were quite a few awkward sentences that caused me to stumble through the writing a bit. Also, there were some contradictions that didn't make sense to me...such as how Eliza is lecturing but then smiles at Sam when she is sitting alone with Alex and trusting her completely despite numerous references to a vicious cycle. Another was how Sam said she got disinterested in boys when it seemed more she dumped them because they weren't interested in anything but sex. And how she smiled when Alex flirted at her but wanted to show disinterest, which doesn't exactly match. My last comment is that we get a huge amount of information dump about Sam from her own inner monologue. I don't feel like I am discovering her the way the prologue hinted that I would but instead getting spoonfed her personality and the exact reasons behind it. The prologue was beautifully constructed with mystery and suspense as to who these people are and how they got there, but the first chapter loses that and dumps the answers on top of your head. Also if Sam has gone through this routine with several guys, wouldn't she be getting a reputation as a tease or a prude? High school kids, even boys, talk about the girls in their enclosed environment. So wouldn't the bad boy image of Alex be more in line with a conquest than thinking she is a pushover? Little things like that I feel could be refined to enhance the story.

But I do enjoy the story and the idea of getting to know how they ended up in a courtroom. I am going to happily keep reading and place this book on my watchlist for more chapters.

Ella Black wrote 664 days ago

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for the comments on CAFÉ TROCADÉRO! Here are a few notes from the first four chapters that I read in return...

The first chapter seemed like a lot more "tell" than "show" to me. Sam tells us who she is as a character and how she feels about the other characters, rather than letting us as readers get to know them naturally through their interactions. That being said, the further along the story progresses, the better that aspect gets. By the third and fourth chapters, you've transitioned to truly showing the story through each character's point-of-view. So, my biggest critique would be to work on that aspect from the very beginning. Otherwise, I was drawn into the story and feel like you do a great job of portraying authentic teenage characters and building suspense from chapter to chapter.

I hope my comments are helpful to you and best of luck as you continue writing!

All the best,
Ella Black

Nancy Lopez wrote 665 days ago

Hi, Melissa,

Wow, that sure was an interesting first chapter. I don't think iv'e seen such pov switches like that in a first chapter. But what I can say is that I did love being inside each of their heads. being inside their minds pulls me in. It was smooth and not forced.

When the word fucking came up, my mind went oh no, someone is going say something about that. But hell, this is YA and the 'f' word everyone has heard.

I do not know how long this chapter runs on your end but I do understand why you kept it this long.
I will make time to read more and comment as I go.
best of Luck
I truly enjoyed it...
Nancy
Backward Glances

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 667 days ago

Melissa,
Switching first person POV's between Sam and Alex was interesting, to say the least, from gushing over a gorgeous man to a masculine assessment of a woman's charms. All the right nuances were there to create a rinantiuc dynamic which is the support beam of your tale. Your conversational style and straight-from-the -heart dialogue carried over well. Thank you so much for the fascinating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Karamak wrote 705 days ago

Hi Melissa, even at 47 I related so easily to your book. The honest way you address Sam's feelings is wonderful, I really felt like I knew her, I enjoyed it being written in two person perspectives this adds a great dimension, and Alex's feelings towards her, girls don't usually hear this, so that was poignant! This is well written and you have talent I have stared you 6 and wish you luck. There is a book on here called The Impeccable Editor you might find the advise in this helpful (I have!) With best wishes to you, Karen x

Chipper10 wrote 724 days ago

This YA is very unquie and fresh. I liked how you used the character of Sam.

Backed.

Best regards,
Chipper Newman

khaula mazhar wrote 728 days ago

I read a lot of YA books, but I don't think I have read this type, so I am just giving my opinion. Too much discussion about sex, and gushing over one guy in the start. Too many contradictions, she is a good girl, always attracted to the bad boy, she never lets them get too far, she is finicky, she throws them away ready for her next crush. She doesn't believe in love, she longs for it. It all goes just a little too fast, I want to discover the main character as I read on, and I want to be involved in the story, which I think sounds interesting when I read the description, but the first chapter doesn't really convey that. You could put in a really hooking prologue, or edit the first chapter a bit to grab the reader's attention and pull them in. Sorry I sound so critical, but this is just one opinion and truthfully I myself would prefer an honest critique because in the end all that counts is your book should be so polished you get that agent/publisher. Good luck.

Madison A. wrote 748 days ago

Melissa,

Hey! I was able to read all seven chapters starting yesterday and finishing today at the doctor’s office. I really liked it. It was an easy read and not at all confusing. I did wonder about the one-time mention of Alex having marks on his arm from drug use. Honestly, I’ve never been around anyone who does drugs, but I have seen documentaries, etc. on TV and Alex doesn’t seem to act like a guy who does that type of drug, nor is it ever mentioned again. I would think he would be slipping off to shoot up often. Maybe I’m just out of touch with the younger generation. LOL! At any rate, people who are not familiar with drug use might need a bit more explanation of what he’s on or maybe a mention of how much he’s into this drug; is it serious or recreational?

In general, I really enjoyed reading it. I don’t normally read YA, but I’m glad I did. It was really attention-grabbing and you, as the author, drew me into the life of your characters and made me care about them. I loved watching Alex fall in love with Sam. And I also loved watching Sam slowly let her guard down to let people in. I hope Alex turns out to be worthy of Sam. I hope he does turn out to be her Ryan. (Like that name, by the way. If you read more of No Risk, No Reward, you’ll see why!)

You’re a gifted writer and I hope your book does well! Lots of luck with it!

Madison

NinaMills wrote 748 days ago

Melissa,
Here is my half of the read swap.
I read all seven chapters. I’ll start with the suggestions and recommendations. I’m wondering why you mention drug use at all. It doesn’t seem to be pertinent to the story unless that is something that will come up later on in subsequent chapters. Even so, Alex doesn’t come off as a heavy drug user who would have track marks on his arm. I would suggest either writing in more drug use or taking that part out altogether. Sometimes Alex’s inner thoughts seemed more like what a girl would think instead of a guy. They tend not to be as sensitive as we girls are! ;) I didn’t believe he would say he wanted to cry for her or over her or however he said it. That sounds like something a girlfriend would say. Also, I noticed in chapter five that when Alex insisted his friend and the two girls take off, Maddi didn’t put her clothes back on first. And lastly, I read Kate LaRue’s comment and I agree with everything she said, so I won’t retype it here.
That being said, I like the way you write. It was easy to read. It had a good flow. The voice of your main character is authentic and genuine. I also enjoyed reading Alex’s POV.

On the whole, I think you have some raw talent that has the potential of blossoming into something really great with a little polishing. I wish you lots of luck!

Nina
Third Time’s the Charm

Kate LaRue wrote 751 days ago

Melissa, I've read through chapter seven so far. The pacing is good over all, and the dialogue natural. I like the contrast between Sam and Eliza and how they deal with boys and relationships. I'm not going to nit-pick on grammar because for the most part this is clean, there are just a handful of grammar problems here and there, nothing that can't be caught with a slow read through. There are some places where Sam or Alex's internal monologue becomes a little redundant, repeating the same thought, just worded a little differently, in consecutive sentences. What I would like to see more of is Sam's relationship with her adoptive parents. I was thrown off by her dad's reaction to finding her 'snooping' because there wasn't really any indication that he was violent toward her before, and this is the first time we actually see him in the story. I think if you introduce her 'parents' earlier on, and establish the verbal abuse at the very least, it will be more believable for him to blow up and become violent in the scene with the drawer. I'd also like to see more of Sam's growing relationship with Alex. We just don't see a lot of their interaction beyond flirting, and Alex's thoughts about how he's starting to fall for her, and Sam's realization that she's not just satisfied with the chase this time and she wants something more. I just feel like I'm being told that they're falling in love without really seeing it for myself. I almost wonder if she finds out too early on about her birth parents and confronts her adoptive mom. I think that you could draw that out a little more, along with Sam and Alex's relationship. It just seems like there is going to have to be some sort of confrontation/climax very soon, leading to some sort of resolution involving Sam's birth mom and adoptive parents. This is an interesting read, I just think it needs to be fleshed out a little more.

I hope something I've said is helpful.
Kate

Greenleaf wrote 756 days ago

I read the first two chapters and really like this book. It's fast paced and the writing flows well. I noticed some punctuation errors in the first chapter, but less in the second. The characters, Sam and Alex, are well-developed and interesting. I'm curious about what's in the drawer in addition to the note with Alex's address. I'll have to keep reading to find out what will happen. I want to know about the connection between Sam and Alex. Good job.

Highly starred.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Di Alcantara wrote 761 days ago

Hi Melissa,

Glad to finally return the read. Thank you for taking time to read My Beautiful Stalker. :)

First chapter overflowed with emotions. You did a great job in allowing Sam to connect with the readers. I felt her emotions clearly through your descriptions and flawless narrative. It is easy to follow, I felt like Sam was in front of me and telling me her story herself while we sat.

I like how you developed their characters, especially Alex. I admire his type myself. He's the type who makes you wanna love and hate him at the same time. A guy hard to resist. I couldn't blame Sam if she's fallen in love with him.

Sam being unwanted and a loner easily fetched my sympathy. I'm sure teens in the same situation will easily relate with her and her story. I wonder what happens in the next chapters. I wish you'd post more.

Highly starred. I wish you all the best with it.

Di

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 770 days ago

I have just read chapter 1 and must admit that I am not a great fan of YA books but I really liked this. You have packed in such a catalogue of emotions in this first chapter. I like the way you have built up Sam's character so that I felt that I had really gotten under her skin and got a glimpse of what makes her tick. The most important thing here to me is her dysfunctional relationship with her parents and how this has had a profound affect on her personality. She has built up a tough veneer to the outside world when all she really wants is to find true love. She is attracted to Alex because of his bad boy status but I get the feeling that somewhere in there she is hoping that he will fall for her and that she will be the one that tames him. When I read Alex's viewpoint of things he came across as a very shallow classic bad boy type who doesn't see much beyond what is tucked inside his trousers. I am sure I won't be the only one who was reading this thinking boy you've got a shock coming to you if you think Sam is going to be a pushover! The flaws in Sam's personality is what makes her so interesting (in my opinion) and not just the run-of-the-mill teenager and it is this that makes me want to read on and find out how she is going to cope with what life is about to throw at her. Excellent writing skills. Well done.

Kim (Pain)

Melissa Koehler wrote 771 days ago

The part about her being abandoned gets touched on near the end of chapter one and is more the focus of chapter two. This is my newest book so it is still being worked on and edited. Thanks very much for your comment.

Melissa, just a quick question, is it necessary to invest quite so much of your beginning in building the relationship between Sam and Alex? From your pitch, the principal story is about Sam's origins, and the mystery of her being abandoned on the orphanage step, so I'd have expected you to have launched this part of the story by the end of chapter one, even if only to provide your hook to chapter two.
Let me rephrase - if the principal story is the romance, I think you might want to rewrite your pitch :)

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

revteapot wrote 771 days ago

Melissa, just a quick question, is it necessary to invest quite so much of your beginning in building the relationship between Sam and Alex? From your pitch, the principal story is about Sam's origins, and the mystery of her being abandoned on the orphanage step, so I'd have expected you to have launched this part of the story by the end of chapter one, even if only to provide your hook to chapter two.
Let me rephrase - if the principal story is the romance, I think you might want to rewrite your pitch :)

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Alonwi Carrovella wrote 774 days ago

Firstly, I'm not sure which one you wrote first, but this one has a much more polished and mature feel to it and it's amazing so far! Will leave a better comment when I'm finished reading it, can't promise that'll be soon....but you are definitely growing as a writer!

femmefranglaise wrote 778 days ago

Hi Melissa, a very belated return read. I think you've got a great story here. I know it's aimed at a younger age group but the fact that I could still read and enjoy it is a sure sign of your good story telling skills. I like the way you're telling the story from the point of view of more than one person which gives us both sides. It's tightly written, good characterisation, good pace, good everything really. I can see this being hugely popular in the young adult market. Really, really well done. Highly starred and will find shelf space for it as soon as I can.

Best of luck
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

KathyJohn wrote 782 days ago

Great beginning. Watch how many times you repeat a word in a paragraph "Gotten with" was the term I noticed. If it is in dialogue, it wouldn't matter but I think it was part of a thought process. Consider using different terms to say the same thing when it is so closely spaced. Your writing is clear, your story line is interesting and Sam is likeable. You just wanna get in there and shake some sense into her! Nice work!

ChristineRees wrote 785 days ago

Melissa,

I love how attracted Sam is to Alex at the start. One thing I just have to comment on is the use of commas. Sometimes they aren’t needed in some spots (although I am definitely no grammar expert!) I just think you should go back and reread some more. “…imagining his chocolate, brown eyes” doesn’t need a comma between chocolate and brown.

Honestly, I really, really like this story. It’s well-written and interesting. Definitely something that I find myself wanting to read more of. And while I’m being honest, I just have to say that I kind of like it better than Gut Instincts. Gut Instincts was good, but man, Melissa! This is really, really great. I just keep reading and reading and reading….. I’m very impressed! And will continue reading this for sure.
I really like how you go between both Sam and Alex's perspectives. When I write in a guy's voice I find it more difficult, but you seem to do it fluidly.

Christine Rees
Spark

DW Davis wrote 788 days ago

Melissa,
You've done a great job giving the reader a real sense of Sam right from the start. She's intriguing, with a lot of issues it will be interesting to watch her work through. The first chapter is well-paced, and keeps the reader engaged and moving through the story. I look forward to reading more.

DW

Maria Constantine wrote 798 days ago

Melissa, we get to know Sam so well right from the first few chapters; I like her voice and her mix of strength and weaknesses. She feels rejected and unloved, but at the same time craves for love while building a wall so that people can't get too close. Her love of drawing is insightful and I found myself analysing her sketches; this is an ingenious and creative way to draw the reader in. I also want to mention that I read with amusement the text messages between Sam and Alex - tone is perfect, jargon is spot on.
Wishing you lots of luck. Maria (Georgina's Family)

Teeny Tiny Tambo wrote 798 days ago

Hi Melissa, I've read all seven chapters and have to say, you're writing just gets better and better. I love the fact that it's written from two people's POV so you get to see both sides of the story. Sam is an interesting character and I like the fact that she treats guys the way guys usually treat girls. She's my kind of person!

You deal with alot of issues relevant to teenagers today; love, relationshiops, betrayal, abandonment, drugs and many more. The part where Sam finds out who her mother is had my heart racing. Great twist to the story and a sure way to keep your readers hooked.

Lastly, I loved watching Alex unravel. When he finally realised he felt something deeper than lust for Sam, but didn't want to admit it, I found myself smiling. So like a guy! You've managed to capture his 'voice' well, considering your a female writer. Well done :)

I really enjoyed this, so well written and full of drama.
I'm definitely shelfing it.
Highly rated!

Yasmin
- Guileless

Shelby Z. wrote 798 days ago

The pitch is good as is the title.
You really made things flow along nicely.
I don't care for all of the sex talk, but I like how Sam's friends are the balance of what Love really is all about.
It is well created.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Mumsie 1 wrote 799 days ago

Melissa; I read the first chapter of your book and think that it will definitely appeal to the Young Adult readers.
It portrays the woes, crushes and social situations of teenagers very well. You have a very straightforward writing style which will keep the attention of an attention deprived generation.
Nice job, stared and remains on my WL until I get back to it and read some more.
Best of Luck;
Elke
Ella in Between!

ChristineRees wrote 799 days ago

Ahhh Melissa! Your books are so interesting!
I really like your pitch... already hooked and wanting to find out more.
I've added this book to my WL too and will comment as soon as I have the time to read.

Christine Rees
Spark

Shepback wrote 799 days ago

Hi Melissa,
I'm hooked, so you are starred and backed.

Willie
Missing

Davidmauriceware wrote 801 days ago

Hello Melissa, I just read your 1st chapter and I must say ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL JOB. This book here is a winner. It captured my attention instantly and held it. highly starred and going onto my w/l until I can finish reading it. I will be showing much support. Start practicing your signature, because you are the real deal and will be signing many autographs in the near future.:)
David Ware
A True thug Willsin

Julio Guzman wrote 803 days ago

Hi Melissa,
I just read the first chapter and I LOVED it. The well flowing dialogue, the vivid descriptions, the colorful characters. The one thing that I really found interesting about this chapter was the way you jumped from Sam's point of view to Alex. It's funny how you get to hear what they're thinking and what they actually say and do in real life, I think it's a very fun and unique way to keep the readers completely aware of what's going on. I could go on and on about this book, I loved it!


Six stars and the best of luck!

Roy Belletete wrote 803 days ago

Hi Melissa,

I've read the first part but not all. The writing is clear and your scenes are vivid. Your dialogue comes off quite believable. You have a talent for writing and after I found the hook at the end of your second chapter I was quite interested and wanted to know more.
Best of luck to you,
Roy

coCinstrumental wrote 803 days ago

OMGSH Sam was kidnapped i think!

coCinstrumental wrote 803 days ago

lol about the attraction to bad boys. ther's this guy in my church he has the bad boy look down pat kinda scruffy with a buzzcut and a little bit of a beard (i normally hate buzzcuts on guys i think it looks awful but lucky him to pull it off) and tattoos :) bad bad boy...lol he's pretty nice tho and not interested so we're not dating and I probably wouldn't be allowed to anyway...and I'm scared of the concept of dating and marriage...to any guy really...

coCinstrumental wrote 803 days ago

lol about the attraction to bad boys. ther's this guy in my church he has the bad boy look down pat kinda scruffy with a buzzcut and a little bit of a beard (i normally hate buzzcuts on guys i think it looks awful but lucky him to pull it off) and tattoos :) bad bad boy...lol he's pretty nice tho and not interested so we're not dating and I probably wouldn't be allowed to anyway...and I'm scared of the concept of dating and marriage...to any guy really...

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