Nickolas

My God, the subtext is outstanding. It's like you've made a sandwich; super-sized it, and served it with a newspaper that can't compete for the attention! haha! (Ok, I'm hungry as I type this, but you get my point...)

The idea of fitting in such a gut-churning experience; from schools, to college, jobs, relationships, friendships. We must all feel alien as we strive to do what's right and fit in; so a massive well done for doing a story I can actually relate to, as what I describe is what it is I got from your work. So thank you.

Constructive feedback would amount to being braver, as if I read that into what I've read thus far, there will be many who I'm sure, will appreciate it kindly too.

Keep writing. That's an order, marine!
Dan

Lisa, I reread your first chapter and did not recognize that I had read it before. It is much more interesting and visual. I understand so much more now of what happened to Adam. You still cover a great deal of change for him but have taken the time to write it so that I can "see" what is happening to him. Your concept is so fresh. Changing a blue blood in to a red blood. So many ideas could come out of that. Keep at it, you are doing well.

Paul

Club Nanobots Critique

I have read the first chapter of Nicholas for the Chapter One Competition of Club Nanobots. I read it without reading the pitches, so I didn't know what to expect. I quickly realized that the protagonist, Nicholas, was not human and that he'd been forced to land on earth. I loved that the alien was the pov character instead of a human. This allowed us to really understand his situation and to feel sorry for him--until that last sentence. That sent chills down my spine and made me want to go on to the next chapter. Great job. I'm looking forward to reading more of this book.

The writing is good and I only noticed a couple of minor typos.

Susan/Greenleaf (Provenance; Chameleon)

I read all the chapters you've uploaded and found it a very compelling read. There are odd punctuation edits but nothing that interferes with the flow as far as I'm concerned. I had no trouble getting into the story and really enjoyed it. It's a grim read but probably about what would happen to any alien unfortunate to land here. I liked the idea of the partronising assumption of superiority from the actually inferior in every way human race. And that's just the nice ones. Lots of stars from me.

Lisa, definitely imaginative - I am so sad for Nickolas and the awful world he must inhabit as a "misfit." This is a fictional story of survival, trying to cope, lashing out at times, suffering through trying to be made in someone else's image but somehow tenaciously hanging in there... I loved all the ways he sabotaged his first foster home. You have some very creative scenarios intermixed here. Some corrections to be made, but that is the easy part. Many stars and I hope you do well with this one. Mona

CAN Review

When I had first begun reading your book, I took my time and attempted to keep an open mind when dealing with the subject matter. Granted, the themes presented in the novel are universal and it would be difficult to fault any one party for adapting them in their works, but the faint and nagging voice that echoed between my ears repeating "Battlefield Earth" nearly distracted my ability to read this in its entirety.

Thankfully, though, I managed to press on to complete at least the first chapter.

I notice an overuse of an apostrophe almost immediately, causing the word "plea" to become a character in your book. I ignore the transgression only to notice that on the same page the final paragraph is open-ended, creating the illusion that the rest of your novel is a piece of dialogue.

But I digress.

As I continued through the rest of it, I then notice that you have an outright aversion towards the use of any commas. Nearly every bit said aloud continues as an unbroken sentence. Where I would have thought someone who left such "nice" criticism would believe that the words "Yes sir" would instead be written as "Yes, sir" I am shocked to find the total absence of any usage.

Granted, I am not in any way a literary expert and refuse to claim otherwise, however I do feel that the constant dialogue takes away from creating any empathy to the characters and I simply don't particularly care about what happens to your main character. The surgery didn't seem anywhere near as horrifying or invasive as I had hoped, and it gave me the impression of a light cleaning of the teeth at a dentist's office.

The snow-shoveling, however, was absolutely scintillating and a joy to read. Worth 5 stars all on its own.

Lisa, This is brilliant and intelligent writing. If this hasnt got it all then I dont know what has. So well done. Loads of creative ideas and unique stories its amasing. This book should do well and hook all kinds of readers from all different genres. Great flow, nice pace and great descriptions. I loved this and so so well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks.. Sean

Hi Lisa,

I’m up to ch. 11 now so thought its about time I left you some comments. I haven’t been making much in the way of notes as I go because it’s all been reading very smoothly. You could probably teach me a thing or two about structuring a plot and keeping up the pacing of new events.
In a way you are attempting something quite tricky in trying to keep the reader’s sympathy while at the same time giving him a bad attitude. Once the story had bedded in, though, (by the time he reached Bull Creek), you had me wholeheartedly on his side - so in practice it hasn’t been an issue at all.
The only critique-type comment I have is of the ‘I didn’t write this but if I did, here’s how’ variety - All the nasty stuff that happens to him certainly helps keep us on his side, but there is a risk that he just reacts to the situation without doing anything active on his own behalf. As the story progresses and he recovers his mojo, it would be good to see more sparks of individuality showing through. I don’t mean so much the overt stuff like tricking them into giving him his crystal back - rather the more subtle nuances of character (does that makes sense?). Sometimes it’s a good thing if a character’s actions aren’t entirely in tune with (or a reaction to) his circumstances. It’s the out-of-sync things that show his personality.
Not that there is anything particularly wrong with how it is now - but its somethng where small flourishes can make a big difference - so something to think about when you come back to edit/rewrite.

Grammar stuff - I made some notes on ch. 9 Hope it helps
1st line: “After antagonizing over the” -> “After agonizing over the”
“through out” -> “throughout”
“We know what your crystal does, we ensured that the ..” - You can’t use a comma here because “we ensured that the ..” is an independent clause (meaning it could be a sentence in its own right). OK would be a semicolon, full stop, or even em dash.
“She was concerned for me, I tried my best ...” As above (here, a full stop would be best, I think).
Most of the grammar faults I noticed in earlier chapters were just missing apostrophes - “cats cradle” instead of “cat’s cradle” sort of thing.

Maurice

Hi, I’m finally getting around to returning your read.
I’ll start with the nitpicks and then continue with my overall impression.

Chapter 1:

I found the first sentence to be rather jarring because the tense then changes in the next sentence and throughout the rest of the story, it’s in past tense. However, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

“I looked away from the window[.] I couldn’t stand to see myself anymore.” I think the sentence works better as two sentences.

“I normally just felt annoyance…He sighed in annoyance.” I think you should change one of these, because the repetition was, I felt, a little too close together.
“Needles pricking my arm, burning pain travelled through my veins.” There’s a tense shift from the first part of the sentence to the second.

A couple places needed commas. For example, this sentence: “Their policies stated that…reform” would have flowed much better if there were commas in there as it felt like a run-on without the commas and I sort of got lost in the middle.

Also, some of the sentences seemed choppy. For example, “I hated the coarse feel of the denim. I missed the smooth water repellant material used on my home world.” I think it would sound better if you combined the two sentences, something like “I hated…denim, nothing like the smooth water…world.”

The time between the start-up of the grill and the hot dogs being done seemed really fast, like it happened within seconds.

“We’ll were here” should read “Well, we’re here.”
“Her shriek the next morning put my first real smile since crashing on Earth.” I think there are some words missing here.
“She probably thought the toaster just needed replaced [replacing].”
On to overall impression:
The premise is interesting and I think you’re biggest strength is dialogue, it’s very convincing. Also, I really don’t like Merv, he seems pretty annoying (and sweaty blech) lol. I was left wondering how old Nickolas is? I couldn’t place it, though I’d guess late teens, though at first I thought he was older.

I think the main issue I had with it was the pacing. A lot of times, I had no sense of time passing and suddenly something was happening and days passed by. For example, when the stick lady Winita tells Nickolas that they’re going job hunting, right after that days pass by in which he messes with their machinery in like a paragraph and then the next paragraph says “I left my room and entered the bathroom.” This really threw me and made it really difficult to get into the story. Since when was he in his room and what had he been doing in there?
Also, Nickolas seemed really mechanical and flat, his emotions were sort of just told and I really didn’t get a sense of his feelings. For example he simply states, “It was frustrating and depressing.” I mean, we already know that such a situation would be, so why not show it by having him pacing in his room and tearing at his hair (a little excessive but you get the point) while Winita and Merv are downstairs on the phone to the AAP.
Similarly, he snarls rather a lot, maybe use another word every once in a while? If all he ever does is snarl when he’s angry and then smile and walk away, I don’t find it to be very convincing.
I think you do a very good job, actually, of showing his emotions in the very last paragraph, that was very strong and I’d like to see/feel more of that throughout the chapter, because I can clearly envision his sense of despair and hopelessness at that point.

Well, there’s my review, sorry it was so lengthy.
Regards,
Z. Z. Ali

Hi Lisa,
Just reread the opening two chapters, and I think your new opening works wonderfully. Comparing it to what you had before, I think the new opening really does a good job of setting the tone for the book. We get the idea that Nickolas is an alien being forced to assimilate into a human society, and subtext is a lot clearer. Other than that, I don't really know what to say, other than that I think you have a really promising opening here, and I'll be back for more!

Best,
Mary

Lisa,
I've had a quick look at the revised first 3 chapters.
I think these are much better in tune with the overall style of the story now, well done!
Having suggested you take them out, I actually missed some of the stuff from the original chapter, things about how Nygolos was like before and how they changed him. You could possibly put some back in, it works better in this new style as snatches of backstory.
I agree with other comments that Nickolas is hard to feel sympathy for at first because he is so bitter, so you need to keep us reading until it all comes together.
Possibly even more polishing of the first few chapters to make sure to catch us and reel us in?
I'm keeping it on my watchlist for now

Hi Lisa
This is much better. It is quite a long time since I read your earlier version, but as I recall the crash landing sequence didn’t really do it for me. This time I had no problem keeping in the flow of the story - to the extent that if there were any typos or other technical issues, I didn’t notice them. For me at least, starting with his state of mind is more intrinsically interesting than starting with his physical situation.
I only have one critique - and I feel a bit mean to be bringing it up - but having the story start with him in such a negative frame of mind does set a rather depressing tone. You make it clear why he is the way he is, and I can see how the story needs it (if he is going to find redemption in the end, then obviously he has to start in an unredeemed condition). That is what I meant about feeling a bit mean to bring it up: it’s not something that can be fixed by better writing - your writing is just fine - it’s something inherent in the story and I’m not sure how you could get around it. But the sad fact is, as a general rule of thumb, readers will be put off by such a downbeat start. For example, the first non-passive thing he does is play tricks on his host with the scales and so on. It’s a good idea story-wise, but at the moment it comes across as a bit on the mean side - maybe you could present it differently to give more of a sense of “depressed but with an indomitable spirit”, if you know what I mean.
Sorry for not being very helpful. Perhaps it’s just me who reacts this way - it might pay to ask other people what they think.

Maurice

Lisa,

Nikolas
A CAN review. You have a very original concept here. I read the first three chapters closely and offer up the following comments. I hope you find this useful. Here goes:

Chapter 1:
-C1, P1, This is completely personal preference, but I do not generally like when the narrator talks directly to the reader. I would drop the first sentence and we can still figure this out soon enough.
-C1, P3, You should use a semicolon in place of the comma.
-C1, P4, The “My caseworker asked me” is a dialogue tag, so the my should not be capitalized, even after the question mark.
-C1, P6, The dialogue punctuation needs to be revised to something like: “Nikolas,” he sighed in annoyance, “you know that you…”
-C1, P7, When you say “Needles pricking my arm, burning pain” is that supposed to be the actual memories, or is this more a description of how Nikolas is feeling at the moment? I assume the former. Maybe you could say “I remembered (or How could I forget) needles pricking my arm….” The second, longer recollection, in italics is much clearer.
-Below the recollection, a typo in: “We’ll were here”. Should be: ”Well, we’re here”
-I think you could drop the “up” in the line “As we passed through the house I grabbed [up] my bag.” Also, I might suggest using a comma after any introductory clause longer than 3 words. I would put one here right after house.
-The caseworker won’t be back “for a few months”. I would think weeks. Maybe even days at first.
-As Nikolas begins the pranks, he becomes more dislikable by the minute. Initially felt sorry for him and the life that he was given. But rather than stoic, he became vindictive. Then at the very moment I decided that he wasn’t worth caring about, you bring it all back around at the end. I really like the close at the end of the chapter.
-If I could critique anything, I would wonder if this didn’t move too quickly through some parts of the story things. There’s a lot that happens that is simply explained, i.e. they sit in a chair, Nikolas fixes the grill (with a good but short bit of dialogue), the hot dogs are done, he goes to his room…. Then he’s sabotaging, going for walks, maybe finding a job. It’s maybe a bit too general, if you know what I mean. Maybe focus on a few of those things and make them more focal points to help build up toward the ending?

Chapter 2:
-Interesting start. I like the way you start this chapter better with the way it ties to the first. And I like how this doesn’t immediately pick up where the last one left off.
-I like that we finally find out Nikolas’ age. I was guessing teenager from the first chapter, so 25 (looking much younger) was right on with how you wrote his character earlier. That’s great.
-The longer this chapter goes along, the more I wonder about whether or not this takes place soon after the first chapter. I assumed they scrubbed his mind after the attempted suicide, but there is no mention of a scar on the wrist or anything like that. I suppose this could be before chapter one.
-You use “subpar” a couple times – once about the cook and again about internet security. It’s unusual enough that I would avoid the repetition.
-I like the way Nikolas ridicules human technology and security and how we use the internet to look at pictures of cats. This is funny stuff.
-I really didn’t feel bad when he caused the havoc this time. You’re doing a good job of making Nikolas more likeable.

Chapter 3:
-It was obviously much clearer in this chapter that it follows on from the previous one. This was a solid start.
-Wow, this is a really dark chapter. A dog collar, eating kibble and drinking from a bowl.
-I am very curious to find out more about the crystal.
-This chapter seemed quite a bit shorter than the others. Not a crit necessarily, just an observation.

You are building a compelling story here. I like the way you use the alien to playfully criticize human technology and more explicitly criticize human brutality. I will give you high stars for a great concept. I’ll put you on my watchlist too and hope to come back some time to read more.

If you would return a read sometime, I would appreciate it.
Thanks, and Best Wishes,
-Chris
Game Changer

Wow, very smooth first chapter! I can tell you've been polishing. The writing flows nicely, and you give us a lot of story through dialogue.
Critique-wise, the ONLY thing I'd consider changing would be to drop the opening line, which is TELLING us info that you do a fine job of SHOWING shortly thereafter. No need to whack us over the head with it!
Overall, really very nice job, and I think particularly well suited for a YA audience.
Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/48620/ladle-beginagin/

Hi Lisa,
I like the idea of your story coming from the alien’s point of view. I kept thinking back to Roswell, New Mexico, and wondering if they really did find and alien and if he would have gone through the same things and had the same thoughts as Nicholas had. That made me realize that I would like more depth to his thoughts and feelings. You have an interesting story here, that draws the reader in, but could be more gripping if a little more of the character’s feelings were described.

Ch.1:
- Oh! The planet is Earth?!? I wasn’t expecting that!
- … dropping from the sky too quickly(.)
- … and gave me the slight boost needed to my speed. ( and gave it the needed boost of speed, of speed boost?)
- Maybe a little more description of the impact itself.
- I never thought about pollution this way, now I’m embarrassed to think what an alien would think if he landed on Earth.
- Galactic common was the ‘trade speech’(,) a basic language…
- Oh, poor thing! I feel for this alien! Yet it would be more of an impact if we could get more descriptions of what he was feeling. The fear, the dignity stripped, the anger, uncertainty, relief when left alone in the cell…
- I was left in a room(,) its only defining feature…
- They would be recording my death(.) (I) was sure of it.
- … pink like my captors’
- Good last sentence. Even though I don’t want him to die, that last action gives him some sense of control over his future- even if only to end it.

Ch.2:
- This was a good place for him to react, with all that frustration building in him.
- … shaded my eyes and press on blindly down the hall. (pressed)
- I felt two small pricks(.) (T)hen the wires connecting…
- When they left him in the cell, didn’t they retrieve the other guard’s body?
- Smart enough to have tough yourself… (taught)
- “How(?)” I pressed.
- With the exception of my caseworker(,) they treated me…
- … information about myself(,) my race or my….
- Nice cliffhanger at the end of this chapter.

I like what I read and your writing flows well. I guess my advice would be not to rush through what is happening to him. I suspect the “real story” is about to begin in chapter 3. It will be interesting to see how Nickolas fares on Earth.
High stars and on my WL.

L-
EBO

Well done on an imaginative and unique story.
I think that the writing style is needs a bit of polish, but you have a lot of talent.
I hope you will keep writing.
My suggestion would be not to fit too much into the book, or into each chapter. At the moment it has a cluttered feel. Instead, choose the parts that are most important to the story and elaborate on those.

Wow, what an engrossing first chapter! I like the way your story is told from the alien's point of view. I've never read a story like this before. You make the reader feel empathy for the alien---the very thing we've been taught by society to fear (in movies). You did a great job here. I saw one typo. You had the word "out" and it should have been "our" in the first opening paragraphs. Other than that, the first chapter was great! Your story actually jogged my memory, and I remember that I had written a story about aliens years ago. I'll have to go find it!!

Sincerely,
Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

CAN review - Nickolas

chapter 1 - Hmm, i would have liked to have seen more in the landing... there's a lot building up to that, a few words on the land itself, and then 'i awoke' - if you're going for impact, i'd suggest a 'scene break' mark (i usually use asterisks ***) before "I awoke" just to signify some sort of time passing...

"reached out destination" should be 'our'
I like all the descriptions of everything that's happening to the MC, but i don't 'feel' anything for him just yet... i'm not sure why... i want to be shocked at his treatment, i want to be outraged, as clearly he was just in a terrible crash, he shouldn't be subjected to scrutiny, he is not one of us, but maybe we should take the time to get to know him before we probe and poke...

Right now i'm just thinking - ya, i could see something like that happening if an alien landed on our planet. I'm siding with the humans here, and i'm not supposed to. If you're telling this story through the eyes of the alien, i think we're supposed to feel for him and be outraged by the humans behaviour... i'm not there yet though, i just don't feel for the alien.
"technoloy" should be "technology"
the line here "i was beginning to understand small snatches of their language" - i don't think this fits.
First, he's supposed to be the intelligent being, and humans are dumb for not understanding him. i thought when he first came across the two guards who took him from his ship, he understood the basic grunting...
i then got the impression that whatever was said around him wasn't important enough to note..
and then "small snatches" followed by a lengthy paragraph about what's to happen... he went from understanding nothing to everything.

however - the concept here, of what's about to happen - wow... scary, and very alfred hitchcock-like

- end of chapter 1 - I feel something here.... I feel disgust overall about what has happened to him, and I feel his reaction to it. But I'm also left thinking, if they could do it one way, surely they could do it another way. I wonder if they'll take from the alien and put into a human and do the swap about there. so now a human will turn alien and teach the humans what he's learned. That'd be a cool spin. or put the new alien and the new human in a room together and see them teach each other... also cool.

ok before reading any further, i'll say this is well written - i don't have a lot of critiques except to say that it's all science and no emotion. if that's what you want, so be it... i don't read a lot of science fiction in general, so i'm probably not the best person to critique.
i am interested in the story and the premise... i want to see how little alien copes and what other disgusting things the humans do... i just really wanted to feel more for the alien prior to him being captured. then when they start experimenting, i wanted to feel more disgust during, and not just at the end. as it is, it's very factual. this happened, this happened, and now this is happening.

chapter 2 (doesn't have a title, but does have a weird yellow mark that authonomy does sometimes)

"shaded my eyes and press on blindly" - switch from past to present tenses
"until they shinned" should be "shined"
"to have tough yourself" should be "taught yourself"
"what would you like to be called?" - the end quote is missing here
"a being they say created us" - i'd capitalize "Being" i think.... given you're talking about God... but i'm not sure
"then sent to live among the humans" - ok the phrasing of this doesn't quite make sense given what preceeds it. it should be more like "you will be given an identity, then sent to live among the humans" or "they will give you an identity then send you to live among the humans"
i think there should be another scene break before "He took me away the very same day"
"was dozens" should be "were dozens" - though if Nickolas was the first, then there really shouldn't be so many at the centre... i get that there is a length of time passing, but if he's the first, hence the name Adam, then he should be one of the first to get to the centre too... even if other aliens were transformed after him and reformed sooner than him, i find it hard to believe that there would be so many at the centre prior to his arrival, and if they are there, i think it should be clearer that this great length of time has occured between his change and his release.
"There purpose" should be "Their purpose"

love the ending of this chapter and the hook that makes me want to read more of this mayhem...

my notes for this chapter aside from that already mentioned... so Nickolas is the only alien smart enough to fake his intelligence? is it at all possible that the other aliens are also faking it? I wish that Nickolas would be more sympathetic to them... they've been through the same ordeal.... i want to like Nickolas, empathize with him, and seek vengence with him as he embarks on the mayhem, but right now... he seems a bit of an ass.... smarter than everyone, doesn't deserve this, etc etc

i also want to know why he's not allowed to leave earth... i want to know more about the assimilation program... i assume those details are coming :)

chapter 3
"They placed (me) with a middle-aged couple."
shudders - the Mortons are totally in my family.... now all you need to do is mention Belleville, and i certainly won't be going to anymore family reunions
"ant-like lives" - you need the hyphen here methinks
"trying(,) Merv" - needs the comma... haha Merv Morton love it
"disabilities(,) Winita"
"harder(,) dear" - you need commas before names in speech...
"he placated his wife" - the "He" here should be lowercased
the coffee maker line is funny, but it seems impractical that it would shoot boiling water at one's face... always. they'd either not use it, replace it, or, you know, move out of the way... else they'd have serious burns... it's a funny line, but in theory, it's actually quite dangerous
- ah, and then by the end of the paragraph we understand why the coffee-maker is a death trap... excellent... don't change it.
'My caseworker grumbled. "under...' - ok here, the period needs to be a comma, or the 'under' needs to be capitalized. not both... i'd go with changing the period to a comma
- i like his hideout and safehaven, but how would he know it's history. if it was plastered over years ago and the stuff that happened leading up to it being sealed off... how would he know any of that?
"in though the kitchen doors" should be "through"
"I had founds humans" should be 'found'
"wrecking havoc" should be "wreaking havoc" - but i too make this mistake... even when speaking, i say "wreck havoc" and am corrected all the time... sigh, Lisa, on this i wish we were right lol
"small hide out more" it should be "hideout" i actually read that twice, not understanding, i thought he was talking about his bum 'small hide' and that the 'out' was just out of place... it's 'hideout' lol small bum... silly me
"up the anti" should be "ante" - i think... not 100% but i think it's ante

weeeeeeeeee - liked the end of this chapter too...

only notes - ok, i get that we're not supposed to like Nickolas, or sympathize. he's the dark character... the bad guy... etc etc... but i really want to like somebody... even if Nickolas doesn't... i do. there needs to be somebody to like, somebody that we root for... somebody that we hope saves Nickolas, or doesn't... there needs to be one likeable character somewhere.

right now, i like that i'm not liking this alien dude... he's destructive and i can't wait to see what else he'll get up to

will be back for more, but i think i've made you suffer enough tonight!

cheers for now, and truly, high stars - great writing and premise and lovely little hooks

Jac

Thanks Lisa, for putting up 2 more chapters. I know the last few chapters are not edited, but not to worry. I haven't seen too many mistakes, and just a couple of continuity issues. A couple of spots when one character is talking, and the next character says something, but the reader (well at least me anyway) didn't know the shift had happened. Also the part about Quinn's prom last year...I thought a prom was the end, at graduation. I realize grade 11 students go to proms too, but that stuck in my craw for some reason. Perhaps that could be woven in, to explain, if you feel it necessary. This was a delightful read. My only regret is that I want to know how this story finishes...there are endless possibilities for the plot. Well written, my dear Lisa. you get full stars, and my hopes for a chance at the ED!

Very good! I'm not sure if you meant to be amusing but the idea of us as an undeveloped race (I cannot argue with that, I've thought it for years) catching aliens and changing them into us, was wonderfully amusing and challenging to our ideas about ourselves. It was fluidly written and the first chapter ended with a good hook. High stars for originality.
Andrea

I don't read much science fiction as a rule but I like the premise of this book and the fact that it's written from the visitor's point of view. So many complex themes to explore with a story like this. How we as humans deal with the 'different', what it means to be human, how we define and apply concepts such as rights and freedom. I'm only on chapter two so far but I look forward to reading more.

Chapter 2 ...done and dusted! I did find a few mistakes, mostly in misspelled words, or tense changes, but certainly nothing a reread and some editing wouldn't fix. Yup...I'm hooked. :)

Outstanding first chapter! It leaves me wanting more, and that is what a first chapter is supposed to do. I think this one goes on my book shelf for sure.

"dropping from the sky too quickly," think you need a full stop instead of a comma,

How.” I pressed..im not sure if you have purposefully omitted the question mark here, like it was a statement he is making as opposed to a question. Just though I'd point it out, in case.

among the humans.....not a mistake, but I think I would change that to 'amongst humans'

Their house became unlivable, more it became dangerous.....How about, 'Their house became unlivable: more, it became dangerous'...I dont think the use of a comma here is correct...or a colon after the more.....?

with you.” My caseworker grumbled. “under the old...again, i think change the full stop after 'you' to a comma, as he continues talking.

in and old hotel.....in 'an' old hotel

outside my small hide out more frequently. .....'outside my small hide more frequently', remove the 'out'

and reckless, sometimes I think I wanted them to catch me......colon, instead of comma?

up the anti..up the ant (remove the i)

my 6x6 unlit cells....change to cell (unless he has use of more than one cell)

You are a dog Adam...put a comma after dog

black box, ...change the comma to a full stop.

“Let’s try this again Adam.”...again, put a comma before Adam

“Where are you from Adam?”...same.

guard, His face was unreadable..You have two full stops at the end of this, plus the His needs to be his. I would actually scrap the 'was' aswell, i think it would read better: guard, his face unreadable.

That maniac crossed line Rick!” ...."That maniac crossed the line, Rick!"

I stopped at Chaper Four..but unhappily, I LOVE it!

Except for the above things I mentioned which really, are nothing, I cant find fault with it. The story runs really smoothly, and I actually enjoyed it. hoenstly, I inwardly groaned when I read the first part about him being in a crash landing spaceship..(I hate sci fi and stuff) but then, before I knew it, I was taken in. I feel really sorry for him, and Im wondering whether hes going to get his revenge on the humans, or if he is going to get home somehow? How can he survive back on his planet without his nano-thingies? Maybe his caseworker, who sounds like a decent bloke will help him...somehow...

I really, really like it. Give you 5/6 stars, and if I (ever) get time on this planet to read a full book again, I will read it all.

Rachel
(Fragmented)

xxxxx

This is a very imaginative story. I felt such empathy for Nickolas and even sadness. He was right about the barbaric earth, I would imagine that to be exactly what aliens would say. He endured such coldness and must have felt so alone, it's hard to stop reading, and besides I want to him to have a happy ending :) High stars!!

CAN review!

Hey Lisa,

Just thought I'd have a look at Nicholas (same name as my son). Although in galactic common I see it's actually Nygolos - obviously Earthessized. Oh poor Nygolos, how horrible for him. After all he goes through he tries to take his own life. The poor fellow.

This is extremely well written Lisa. The details of the crash scene I thought were very well done. The subsequent events were all tightly written and well described. Are you a Trekie by any chance? Those humans are bastards! Well hopefully not all of us. I've only been able to look at the first chapter tonight, but hopefully I'll be able to come back and look at some more.

Couple of small things:

Sol, in start, should be capitalised. Don't dis Sol it's out home system.

"...Jupiter gravimetric pull." should that be "...Juipiter's gravimetric pull.

"But the succceeded in throwing me back into..." should be "But they succeeded in throwing me back into..."

"...into a bright lit room." should maybe be "...into a brightly lit room."

"...grabbed and arm and pinned me..." should be "...grabbed an arm and pinned me..."

"One of the scientist blabbed..." could be "One of the scientists blabbed..."

"It felt like me vein had frozen solid was was..." this sentence needs tender loving care.

Well done Lisa, a very good story so far.
Best Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

Lisa,
I read the13 chapters posted and have concluded that you have both the writing talent and creative mind to succeed. Chapters one and two took in my opinion too long and should be shortened by almost half. Some of his experiences when he was first apprehended were okay, but I think you should choose a few, pick-up the pace, and get on to chapter three. I was surprised when Nickolas hacked computer systems and killed some people. He had terrible luck with guardians, who were written as pretty awful people. The use of an electric dog collar, beatings, and seclusion give you the opportunity here to portray Nickolas as being a product of the abusive environments he sustains. He comes off as cold in the end of thirteen with regard to Quinn (who has been nothing but kind to him) and I didn't expect it. I think you can go farther with this story if he reacts to earth humans in the same manner that they treat him. You've included creative twists that indicate you have ability as a thinker, that when combined with your writing can take you a long way.
Steven
'Fly at the Horizon'

An interesting story, no doubt about that. I'm a sci-fi fantasy fan and I never thought of writing about aliens, as my sci-fi is mostly time travel.

Yes, we humans are completely inhuman when dealing with things we fear out of ignorance and your MC sums it up well enough at at the end of the closing chapter.

The grammar needs polishing, and your punctuation, especially in the dialogue, for example.

"You're just human - COMMA - Quinn."

"Close the door, Chuck," he said and pulled out his gun.

We use punctuation for emphasis, to divide a sentence, and focus on the meaning.

Read your sentences out loud; for a comma take a short pause, for a semi-colon, a longer pause, and for a period/full stop, take an even longer one.

And read more.

American grammar is different to British grammar. In my opinion, many beginner writers fail to see the importance of punctuation, as they are too wrapped up in their "masterpiece.

When you write, put your ego in your back pocket.

I have a recommended read for you, and not only for entertainement, it's a lesson in first person narration.

"Stone's Fall" by Iain Pears. ISBN 9780099516170

Best of luck, you're halfway there.

Reach for the stars, they are yours for the taking.

I'm still reading, but so far I'm loving it. Nygolas "Nickolas" is so interesting, just like the world - or worlds - you have built are. Watchlisted and high stars for now and I'll be back soon.

Greetings! Thanks for being willing to do a reading/comment swap with me. I hope you enjoy Storm Without End! I also hope that you find something useful in my ramblings.

Short Pitch: I think this could be improved. The repetitive use of ‘alien’ dampened the impact of the catch line, and I think there are ways you could make this more thrilling and immediate if you just use his name and put a little more risk / consequence to his being stranded on Earth.

Long Pitch: I think the key elements are here, but I think there might be a way to up the tension in the long pitch as well. The opening line puts it on a more passive note (just dive in, don’t have to tell us it is a tale… make it all the more real by taking it from Nikolas’s POV or just jumping right to the conflicts.)

I’ve seen your writing in the past, and I’m pretty sure you can make this into a really thrilling pitch to match the basics of what you’re telling us here!

I had a few problems with the opener of this – it drops right into the conflict of not dying by becoming splattered into the planet Earth, which is good, but I had a hard time buying the crash landing itself. In a functioning space ship, it is a 4 hour process to safely land, including prep. Speeds start at 17,500 MPH. In your scenario, your pilot is incapable of performing maneuvering. Instead of controlling the plummet, he’s trying to fix the ship. He isn’t in a bail-out shell to drop in the ocean, and has no way to do S maneuvers to slow his speed… ocean or land doesn’t matter. He’s impacting at 17.k MPH… he’s going to splat. (At least, that’s the impression I get from reading.)

I think you need to rethink the design and potentially make an escape pod. Either that, or make it so he is less dead in the water and capable of performing reentry. If his ship is that damaged, he’d break apart like Columbus did.

There are a lot of things to like about this chapter, but I also had a hard time with it because so much happens in such a short frame. Because you go through this first chapter introduction so quickly, I feel that the immediacy and intimacy that should be inherent with first person POV is lost. If you slowed this down and took the time to explore it, put us in the immediate world and made the nameless and faceless scientists and guards people, I think this would be that much more powerful to it. Nikolas is pretty alien as far as characters go, but at the same time, I couldn’t connect with him because he’s in a situation where he is little more than a trapped animal. I don’t have the experiences to draw on that he does to connect with him, and there’s so much cruelty that it becomes hard to suspend disbelief. (For example, you could have one character actually show kindness to Nikolas, and the entire situation would be more believable just because you’ve currently set it up where the entire human race is composed of, well, jerks.)

I do like the ending of the chapter and how he fails to cope with the situation, it felt very realistic.

Your writing and style work well, I just wish you’d taken a lot more time with this introduction. It could easily become 2 or 3 chapters, and be interesting and develop your characters, but it felt like it was being a bit rushed to get to Chapter 2.

I felt the same way until you reached the point where Nikolas could actually communicate with them; this, for me, is when the story actually took off for me and didn’t come across as more of exposition and backstory than tale.

For me, your real strength is when you get to the places where your characters react with one another. The more passive descriptions fade away right away to active voice and you launch into a totally different form of storytelling. It feels like you slow everything down and get immediate with the characters there, and that the rest is to get you from that point to the point where the characters are interacting with each other. I’ve seen this used in sci fi before, and I think it’s partly why sci-fi isn’t as much of my favorite as fantasy is. So, I think I need to slate that as a personal preference issue, since there are a lot of people who *do* like that sort of style. I like a more active, immediate stance and I like living and breathing with the characters through it. I guess maybe I feel like the way I do because the first four chapters, for me, is almost enough material for half of a book. It’s a lot to digest, and it blows by so quickly in numbs the impact of what is actually happening to Nikolas. Just my opinion, of course.

I’ve read through the first four chapters of this, and there is an insane amount of creativity here and delving into society as a whole – I just wish we were shown it a bit more. I hope you find something useful out of my thoughts. I think there is a lot of potential in this story, I just think that the execution of it could be a bit stronger!

~RJ

We collect aliens that fall out of the sky due to engine trouble, cool. And there are at least a half dozen others already captive, like an alien zoo. You'd think advanced beings would have figured out how to not need sleep anymore...what a waste of galactic time. And they have a bit of a temper too, good to note. I won't be poking a bunch of needles into one the first thing after I meet one, I might wait a while before prodding and probing. Quite an imaginative angle, good work. Peter B.
"The Bible I Thought I Knew"

Me again.

"they placed [me] with a middle aged couple."
"than to comp[l]ete repairs on my ship"
"abandoned stairwell in and old hotel" should be "an" not "and"
"But I had founds humans to be very unobservant creatures..." "found" not "founds" of course.
"I began venturing out of my small hide out more frequently" I'm fairly certain 'Hideout' is one word.

Oh my, his vindictiveness is truly going to kill me. What a brutal guy, but not over the top in the least. Believably written. Well, as far as one can believe in a fictitious alien story.

Like I said, your last little hooks really makes your reader wanna stay, they work excellently.

One thing, I would def like to see more description in the scene where he's blowing...certain people...up. I read it a few times and the question I kept asking was.."wait, how exactly was there an explosion?" maybe it was something to do with the computers but I'm not tech savvy so it confused me.

Great story and will most likely be back for more when time allows.

God bless

One of those absurd moments occurred where I had nothing on my watchlist in dire need of being read..so I came back here for more of Nygolas and his humorous mood in such an awful situation.

I was kind of hoping that chapter 2 would somehow explain what happened after he slit his wrist at the end of the first chapter...a little disappointing in all honesty that nothing further was said on the matter. If it's coming later don't let me seem impatient, but if you forgot to put it in or didn't plan on it, well...please reconsider.


"smart enough to have tough yourself this language" should be taught.

Oh my, your hooks at the end of these chapters just won't let me stop. "now that I am free the mayhem can begin." On to chapter 3 because any mention of mayhem attracts me...

God bless

Is our world really this cruel? Would our society treat an alien this badly? I know we have serial killers, child molesters, human slave trafficking, etc. etc.: but they are the criminal population, not the general population. I smiled at the beginning when you introduced earth as a backwater place, underdeveloped, barbaric and thought we must have seemed kinda like apes to this alien. I didn't expect our society to be so brutal and cruel as a whole. So, I did read all eleven chapters, but became more and more skeptical of your story as I read. I would have liked this to be an alien learns to adjust and then has to decide whether or not to return to his home planet or some other plot. A bit of satire about the human race would have been delightful, but the relentless cruelty to which Nygolos/Adam/Nickolas was subjected became a bit tedious.

That is no criticism of your writing, though. You write extremely well and I found no errors, except a few typos like "Wendsday" in chapter six. Your dialogue is very natural and authentic and your imagery is good. Best of all, telling your story from the alien's point of view is a very clever twist. I just wish he had encountered more kind, caring humans and fewer human monsters. I guess I like science fiction books that reflect reality as much as possible and this takes the reader to a more imaginary reality.

Otherwise, I've no suggestions for improvements in your writing because you write as well an any professional whom I've read....and, please ignore my reaction to your plot if you'd like...I just wanted to be honest with you. Still my reaction is idiosyncrit and I'm sure many readers will love your story just as it's written! Best wishes for publication and the success of your writing as you are an excellent writer!

Sincerely, Patricia Laster
Breaking Free

Sincerely

"Reminded me too late of Jupiter[s] gravimetric pull"
"When I ran out of sky" <-- beautiful wording here.
"I struggled uselessly against them but the[y] succeeded"

"I jumped up making a beeline to the door" You used beeline recently to describe how the men moved to him, and then said this seconds afterward. I felt it too soon and that maybe another phrase could be used here.

"The small bit of language" and then you go on to translate a huge paragraph of what the scientist is saying, in none too simple wording either. Perhaps you're working under the idea that the alien has picked up the language much faster than a normal captive only hearing a different language would pick up, but it seemed a little far fetched.

"It felt like my vein[s] had frozen solid was was trying to..." It instead of was I think? It's easy to overlook the slightest things when we get excited with our writing, and I can see why you started to get excited with what you were planning!

I think I gasped out loud a little at what he's done here at the end of the first chapter, will most certainly be coming back for more.

One thing, while you do an incredibly amazing job of explaining to us how he's controlling his ship, and what's happened, and I could picture the crash incredibly vividly, there was one image you didn't depict. What does this alien look like? Nigolas (I hope I spelled that right) Is a captivating character, and I felt the deepest sympathy and regret for the fact that that is doubtless how humans would act if an alien were to fall on to our planet...however though I felt for him and I worried for him and I was shocked by him...I couldn't picture him until the very end of the chapter, and even then all I've learned is that as an alien, he had had some type of transmitter (not mentioned were) a bristly mane, and blue pads on his hands. I'd like to be able to see more of him as an alien even though I'm sure you were eager to get on to his new appearance.

As I said above, I will most certainly be back to read more, and I've given this a large amount of stars.

God bless

This is a great story. I've read everything posted.

The tale of Nikolas is not just a Sci Fi story of a marooned alien. It has universal themes (racism and man's inhumanity to man) and a compelling MC in the unfortunate Nygolas.

The prose is efficient and tight. The plot pulls you along, and I found myself at the end of what's posted wanting to read more.

The author has done a fine job here. High stars and on my watchlist!

Hi Lisa,

Sorry for taking forever to read more of Nickolas! I couldn't remember where I left off, or whether you uploaded anything new since, so I started around the middle and reread what you've got posted here. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I really think you have a great story here, with some really interesting ideas. Especially the parts about "personhood", how the aliens are being made to assimilate but are really still treated as experiments, as objects. I think it would be interesting to maybe expand on those parts, or at least Nickolas' views. Actually, in general, I think it would be interesting to hear more from Nickolas about humans, in comparison to his people. You have some of that already, but for the most part it seems that Nickolas views humans as either vile abusers or simple facts of life. It could be interesting to highlight more of what he finds odd or fascinating about them. I recall you mentioning a fire/ice metaphor for Nickolas' people versus the humans. More things like that would be really cool :-)

Please don't take this the wrong way, but as a reader, I find the parts that take place in school to be somewhat slow. Not sure why, perhaps because outsider-at-school stories have been done to death, and with all the cooler stuff going on in your book (the aliens, the underground, the scientific experiments), the school stuff seems a bit plain. Just my opinion, of course.

Anyway, best of luck with the rest of it!

Cheers,
Mary

I like how you develop the character to the point, that I as a reader, have a genuine concern. The first chapter is certainly compelling enough to want to read more. That chapter definitely sets up the overall atmosphere for what is to come, and I like that. I also like the straight-forward style of your writing, enough descriptors without being over the top and the right amount of dialoque/interaction to stay with the tone you're going for. Thank you for the opportunity to read, I plan on reading more.

JA

This is a wild ride! Great imagining went into chapter one, and it was lots of fun to follow along with. Although primarily narrative, with almost no dialogue, it works, especially considering the context.
Critique-wise, I only made a couple notes:
one errata "I feel onto my knees" instead of "FELL"
and
the sudden understanding of very complex English seemed too abrupt. If he had some explanation for his skill at language absorption, etc., it would take care of that, but right now it isn't explained in a way that gets me to really buy it. Not that it stops me -- it's still fun to read.
But overall, a fine tale, intriguing and well written.
Best of luck with this!
And if you'd like, do drop by for a look at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Club Nanobots Critique

This first chapter has a great hook as Nygolos is thrust into the Earth's atmosphere and must act quickly. I really enjoyed the fast pace and action-packed content as the spacecraft hit the Earth. I did feel, however, that the fast pace should have taken a brief pause after the ship crashed into the exposed bedrock.

Up until that point, the writing was direct and active - which worked great. I pictured the dust settling around Nygolos' spaceship and him suddenly realizing he could be in trouble. A few less active sentences describing his thought process and even the scenery would allow the pace to flow throughout, instead of maintaining this action-packed pace through the whole thing. Just my opinion though!

Some of the sentences were a bit wordy and I felt the "I did this" and "I did that" was repetitive. I loved the characterization of the humans - for some reason I pictured Earth as a bit more barbaric even in its futuristic state.

The cliff-hanger was effective and this promises to be an action-packed story with (hopefully) some deep insights into human nature.

Ryan
Majestic Shadows: The Pillar of Smoke

nanobot review

nygolos the alien is having a bad visit to this planet. on top of having his ship reposessed, his freedom reduced to a cell and his body at the mercy of lesser beings, he's eventually condemned to become the same species as his captors. i'm guessing, from the title, his name doesn't stay intact, either.

from this i gather that nick (or adam) is going to be in for a tough time as he either assimilates to what we've determined on earth to be society, or rebels against the powers that be in order to escape his awful prison. being a bit of a misanthrope myself, i'm rooting for the latter, but i hope the story doesn't take the stance that all humans are evil bigots.

other than a few spelling and punctuation issues, what stalled me was the female scientist who took his blood the first time. i understood that nygolos couldn't understand them, or understood very little, but it seems like he knows more of her earthen language (english?) than he lets on. perhaps it should be made clear that he does know enough english to ask about the bathroom or to order a drink or something, or that his nanomachine counterparts enable him to learn speech a little faster than normal. the way you've described him as of now doesn't sit well.

other than this, i think you're developing a fine story which should parallel some real-world problems here in reality. good stuff.

Nanobots, ho!

I’m a grammar harpy, so I’ll get that out of the way first. There are some common errors in the first chapter.

Breath is the noun; breathe is the verb. Breathe, Nygolos.

Nanomachines is often spelled as one word (your spellchecker won’t like it, but it’s still relatively correct as sci-fi jargon).

Some long paragraphs—like in the ‘monumental day’ one. Be easier on our eyes if you shifted them a bit and split ‘em up. The scientist’s dialogue should be in its own paragraph.

I’m kind of surprised he used the fish out of water phrase. Would imply his world had fish, which made me wonder what it was like and all that rot.

Overall, the piece has odd pacing. Nygolos has a pleasant, cool disposition, but feels somewhat bland (which isn’t a bad thing, per se). There’s a little telling (which also isn’t a bad thing, but feels like it might water down the harsh reality you’re trying to set up).

The villains feel like caricatures, and that does bother me. They’re needlessly cruel from the get-go. The humans lack humanity, which feels off. I write lots of science fiction and I’m no stranger to human cruelty in writing or otherwise, but this lacks punch. We don’t know Nygolos yet. We don’t know why they’re torturing him. We don’t know why they want him to be human.

This works, therefore, better as literary prose than science fiction. As a metaphor, it would be good for aliens (foreigners as opposed to interplanetary). I’ve often felt that aliens are tools used to describe cultural differences between peoples and countries (indeed, even times and genders) and that abnormal specimens within the same species usually represent homosexuals. In this case, we have a man forced to adopt the customs of a new world.

As an odd side note, I couldn’t help but picture this man (by the end of the piece, at least) as one of the Kentucky blue people. Really. It’s a recessive trait that showed up in Kentucky due to limited gene pool, but the people are blue. Hasn’t shown up for awhile because of greater variety in gene pool, but there are still pictures of the families online.

Hello again! I finished reading what you have uploaded here, and I like the direction you're taking the story in. Quinn is an interesting addition to Nickolas' world, although the presence of Nickolas in a high school confused me a bit. He seems like a more mature character, and while it's understandable that the humans would stick him in there, I found myself wanting some kind of comment from him stating that he's an adult in a childrens' institution. Maybe even comparing this piddly human school to the place where he was educated.

I also like the glimpses into his past - other worlds he's visited, etc. I stand by my previous comment about wanting to see more of it. It seems like you're setting up for a more action-movie type of plot with the Underground and all, which is great, but I think it'd be fine to take more time to build up to that point. The more the reader sees of Nickolas' home world, the more they'll sympathize with his desire to leave. I also think you could add more commentary about Nickolas' views on the human world. You have the opportunity to create a great piece of satire poking fun at our ridiculous human society. You've got some of that already, and I think if you expanded on it further, you could really take Nickolas to another level.

One last thing - I think it would be interesting to hear more about the human scientists' motivations. As it is, the futuristic Earth in Nickolas is very vague. Other than the Alien Assimilation Program, it could be taking place today. And yet the humans are clearly familiar with aliens. I'd like to know more about the background of the program - what was Earth's first encounter with alien life like? How advanced is technology in this future? Are the humans space travelers too? Does the general population know about the aliens, or is it a secret, underground government program?

Anyway, awesome idea, and I wish you the best of luck with it!

Cheers,
Libers

Club Nanobots Critique
Hi Lisa. I really love your first chapter. I"ve never read a book from the captivees prospective and very well written i found only two small things.
But THEY suceded, missing the y
Each man grabbed AN arm. theres a d on the end of it.
Looking forward to reading more
Abbie Lee Wallace
Medically Mystifying

Club Nanobots Critique.

Wow, this is a really interesting concept. It is so true that we wouldn't respect aliens, I think, and would treat them as they did Adam. Good for Nicklos though for standing up for himself. The writing is very good and easy to follow. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Many stars to you !

Abby

Club Nanobots Review
Nickolas
By: Lisa Toohey

A unique story of an alien told from his perspective. I found this story delightful! I believe middle grade students to adults will enjoy and come to adore Nygolos as I have. He wrecks his ship on earth and is struggling to communicate to those idiots. He hisses, has stiff hair, blue blood, bites, yelps, has sensitive skin which is white, and he is more humane than the earthlings. Scientists capture him and change his DNA. Typical human to want to "remake him in our image". They succeed and Nygolos is turned primitive. The ending is left with a " I so did not see that coming" ending. I can't wait to read more and I sprinkle you with all the stars available!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

Nanobots review

Interesting story. Some scientific concepts of interest and an alien perspective add something to the tale of a crashed alien on earth. Love the world building going on - and assume we will see the alien/human have some interesting adventures and learn why the humans want him humanized. The only jarring bit for me was the similarity in anatomy and the names (plastic chair) while the alien doesn't understand what they are saying. Good stuff, I'd read more.

Club Nanobot Review

Hi Lisa,
What a refreshing change to have the POV from the alien's perspective. The sol system is a place to be avoided, given the number of disappearences. I would have loved to have seen what the other captive aliens looked like.
Seems like Nygolos is attempting to commit suicide after being converted into a primitive life form by his estimation.

There are some punctualtion glitches and an alliteration at the end, but this doesn't detract from the story. Thanks for a great read.

Hi Lisa,

I read the first five chapters and was about to read on, but Autho's being slow, so I guess I'll have to try again later. Anyway, I think what you've got so far is fantastic. The idea of humans being arrogant in their superiority and trying to bend aliens to their will is fascinating, and seeing everything from Nickolas' perspective is really interesting. I know that, Authonomy being a website full of impatient people, you probably think it's better to keep the action more fast-paced, but I think you've got a cool enough set-up that you could really take your time with this story. For example, the chapter where Nickolas is wreaking havoc on the web could easily be spread out into two or three chapters detailing his misadventures. And, as a reader, I'm really curious about Nickolas' homeworld, and I'd imagine that he'd miss it. So a few flashbacks would help flesh out the background of the character and the world he comes from.

I also think you could expand on the whole genetic modification thing. Not so much the technology, but its moral implications. Clearly, humans think they're the superior race, and that's why they're forcing aliens to conform to their world. It's a powerful message with relevance to our world - how we are all, in a way, forced to assimilate to society, and I think Nickolas could be a great allegory for our culture of assimilation.

Anyway, as soon as Autho stops being dumb, I'll read on! Nickolas is a great character - I love that he has an element of mischief in him, and that he's a tad arrogant himself. I just wish I knew more about him!

Cheers,
Libers

This is a Nanobot Club Review:

Cute story with clever writing. It reminds me a bit of the old TV shows "My Favorite Martian" and "Mork and Mindy", if you know what I'm talking about - how an alien sees Earth from his eyes. What disappointed me was that Nikolas the Alien gets captured and experimented way too early in the story. I would have expected him to meet a man or a woman whom he could tell his true identity and build up trust while the Earth friend explains how things work on Earth - that way you can talk about other galactic cultures and wierd things while we, the readers, enjoy it..
Hope this helps.
All the best
Kirk
"Aethunium"

Club Nanobots Review--
The idea of an alien landing on Earth is not new, but it can certainly be explored in new ways, and it is always interesting to see on outsider try to understand a completely different culture. Where I had trouble with this story was when it turned implausible, such as when we learn that the people who showed up so quickly to fetch the alien also happen to have several other alien prisoners from various races. Also the part about being able to genetically convert the alien to human made it seem more like comedy to me, and while I know that there are many readers who enjoy comedy, I've never enjoyed it in books myself (I love them in movies). My tastes have nothing to do with the salability of a book, though, so I'll provide the notes I took while reading and hope they might be of some use:

'...ships shielding' -- missing apostrophe

The 3rd paragraph down, beginning, 'I plowed downward...' has six sentences starting with 'I', including five in a row. I'd suggest varying the sentence structures here.

'...but the succeeded...' -- missing a 'y' on they

'...I feel onto my knees' -- feel instead of fell

'...reached out destination' -- out instead of our

'...man grabbed and arm' -- and instead of an

'"Hemocyanin?" She murmured...' -- don't capitalize 'she' here

'...became braver around me, I showed no signs of aggression' -- comma splice. She be period or semicolon instead of comma

'...watched them, out of the corner...' -- no comma needed

'One of the scientist blabbed...' -- scientist should be plural

'...to have been effected...' -- affected

Club Nanobots Critique


Hi Lisa,
I was a bit ambivalent about the crash landing sequence - it seemed a bit too conventional without really generating much suspense.
Once on the ground though, it was a different story - really well described and believable. The sense of being able to guess what might happen next that I just complained about in the intro had completely disappeared and I was kept intrigued and engaged all the way to the end of the chapter.
Chapter 2 was the same.

Some typos:
“reached out destination” should be “our”
“tough yourself this language” - in Ch. 2

Best of luck with finishing it.
Maurice

Club Nanobots Critique
Nickolas by Lisa Toohey
What an interesting idea, giving a space person's point of view when visiting our planet.
Well done, I love it.
Pity he didn't land in Ireland, we would have given him a pint of Guinness.
But the poor fellow seems to have landed in a far more hostile land.
Besides a few typos which are easily fixed, this is a really good read and well written.
The chapter ends with a good hook. I don't want this alien to pass away but I want to stay with his story, so well done.
Well done.
John Life

I like your approach, the way Nickolas tells his own story. He could be any alienated person or a troubled child. The fact that he's an alien doesn't make him any less human. I think I'd be the same if I were in his position.
Your writing flows very well and I didn't spot any mistakes. Well edited and well done. I sense chaos on the horizon. Highly starred.
Jesamine.