Book Jacket

 

rank 2292
word count 24164
date submitted 06.02.2012
date updated 09.06.2012
genres: Chick Lit, Non-fiction, Travel, Cri...
classification: universal
incomplete

Genghis Khan: The Autobiography

Mr Carpet Muncher

A short story dealing with potentially uncomfortable subject matter. In other words DON'T CRY. Ask mummy for tissues if you do.

 

Look my front cover is a dog with a bag over it's head HAHA isn't pointless bag torture of animals amusing chortle bloody chortle. OH OH READ IT. I am a slovenly ape. I only use tortured metaphors and enjoy Scrabble, all things included in this patchwork travesty of absolute scummy bath water I have written as an ironic take on the world of everything ever. I satirise everything, even satire, and the satire that satirises satire. Basically nothing gets past me and MY ENORMOUS CRANIUM.

A nasty, brutish pile of semen in which nightmares will be spawned as well as hapless attempts at dissecting my appalling grasp of narrative...and all that other balls.

 
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cream shots creamy gunk creamy sponges creamy loneliness suicide cream, sex armageddon death love gays homosexuals farters hitman agent 47 small big w...

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4

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It was late. No light crept in from behind the quiet slither of canvas that lined the cold, icy window. Many monsters had arrived and left in the evening prior, and only one remained in the room. A man in a black latex apron and a tinted welding mask stood at the end of the room. His breathing was rapid and heavy and his pulse was so that Oliver felt like he could taste it from the other side of the room. The room was an empty rectangle, filled with nothing but a used hospital bed from the 1980’s, and a hosepipe. The cracked tiled floor was littered with large drains that had been installed into the floor. A recurring drip could be heard and the reverberation from the outside world fluttered around the room to create an uncomfortable low frequency tone. Oliver had been strewn out across the bed all evening. Beaten senseless, he longed for nothing but death. Tight belts round his wrists bound him to the frame of the bed, gripping him closely. It was almost as if the bed had a personality, a personality of pure menace and malice, and was desperate to prevent Oliver from escaping. “Time we get started” the man in the mask grunted. A twisted excitement echoed in his words. A light hung above the bed, illuminating Oliver, as it swung from side to side in the draft that passed through the room.

“Please just let me go, I…I won’t tell anyone I swear! I …I haven’t even seen your face” Oliver pleaded.

Awww, that’s a very nice proposition” beamed back a rather condescending voice.

He stepped closely towards Oliver, and reached into a bag to reveal a host of glinting sharp objects. Amongst them was a stainless steel scalpel. Fresh and clean, he gently caressed the tip of the blade along the rim of Oliver’s eyelid, separating the skin. A stream of warm blood trickled down his face. Agony surged through Oliver’s entire body; his nerves burning with discomfort, his consciousness begging for distance. Oliver couldn’t help but scream upon feeling the blade touch him.
 

 
“Oh I’m not going to have you screaming the place down” spoke the perpetrator. “We’ll have to deal with that”. He picked up a glass from beside the bed, and proceeded to slam it against Oliver’s shins repeatedly, until the glass smashed into several pieces. Picked up a handful of shards, he grasped Oliver’s jaw, and the shards of glass were pounded into his mouth.

Punch by punch, the man’s fist pummelled the fractured glass into the soft gums of his victim. The force of the punches uprooted teeth from their beds. The glass danced around the inside of his cheeks, carving rivers into the fleshy membranes either side of his mouth, which dangled and flailed down like scarlet drapes in a manor house.

Finally, the brutal beating subsided, as the perpetrator seemed out of breath. He staggered towards the hosepipe, appearing drunk in his walking. He grabbed the nozzle and furiously span the taps round, to create a torrent of water jetting out the end. He stamped back towards Oliver, who was moaning as shards of glass balanced on his delicate lips.

Suddenly, the hosepipe was forced into Oliver’s mouth with the jet barraging the back of his throat, and his mouth rapidly filled up with a mixture of blood and water with shards of glass and his teeth floating in the concoction. Oliver gasped for breath but couldn’t, as he felt a grip tightly pressed against his nasal cavity, and the liquid continued to rise as he felt his lungs on the verge of bursting out, Oliver’s reflex reaction took over and forced him to swallow. Oliver could feel every detail of the shards as they travelled down his throat; each cascading blade driving deep into the lining of the tissue.

“Most people don’t pay much attention to the feeling of swallowing. It is an ability many take for granted, and upon indulging in gluttonous binge, us humans tend to rather focus on the taste. There is something magical about how you pay a lot more attention to the act of swallowing during the act of having to perform said action on an unpleasant stimulus. Suddenly, every aspect of the swallowing process becomes painstakingly obvious, and is carried gift-wrapped to the forefront of consciousness. This applies to many things in life, we simply ignore it when our senses provide a positive stimulus but yet somehow negativity seems to prevail without commotion in the human mind. It is a mystery that captivates me. One may even suggest it’s an obsession.

Beneath the tint of the welding mask, a grin could be seen, clearly the assailant enjoying every second.
 

 
Wha have I done to you?

No response.
 
 

“I’ll be back in a minute”.

 

He turned his back and exited the room though a heavy metallic door on the far side of the room. The door slammed shut against the hinges, and Oliver was plunged in to darkness…alone.

 

Time passed.

Oliver awoke, and did not know exactly how long he had been unconscious for. Indeed, he was not even aware he had passed out. He had hoped it had all been a dream. A drug trip perhaps. But here he was again, awake in the disgusting reality presented to him.

The metallic door swung open, and a steady stream of bright light poured into the room. It was like staring at the sun, as the photons seems to attack his retina, even with his eyes closed to the best of his strength. The man entered again, and the exit was once again sealed. The light was once again switched on. “Hey, I heard you were right handed,” came a laughing voice from across the room.

Clenched in the hands of the attacker was a vice, which was quickly placed on Oliver’s right wrist, clamping his forearm to the metal rails that ran parallel to the bed. The man seemed in a hurry this time, and was very determined. Oliver tried to mutter a beg for mercy but was silenced by a strip of parcel tape pushed down across his mouth. The attacker brandished a screwdriver, and proceeded to thrust it into the hand of Oliver. Clasping his thumb still, the attacker lodged the flat faced screwdriver underneath the nail, jerking it upwards and ripping it from the finger entirely, as it shot off and skated across the floor. Turning the head of the screwdriver sideways, the man violently scratched the soft membrane that sat underneath the fingernail, the layers folding and tearing under the motion of the tool.

Seemingly not satisfied, the man once again picked up the scalpel. Cutting through Oliver’s trousers, he carved a hole in the fabric so to reveal his genitalia. The scalpel was then plunged down Oliver’s penis, carving open his urethra. The complex system of tubing and piping was split and sliced open as a steady stream of blood ran out down his trembling, pale thighs. The contrast between the deep oozing blood and Oliver’s skin was like that of a robin’s chest as it dances across a snowy landscape winters afternoon. It trickled down onto the bed and ran down the sides, forming a waterfall to the floor. “This is the best you’ve ever had” shouted the man “I’m fucking you. I’m fucking you like the bitch that you are and there is nothing you can do about it. Feel the blade fucking you, you bitch. Moan for me bitch” screamed the attacker, as he drove the scalpel up and down the inside of Oliver’s sexual organ. His nerves were picking up every detail, every angle, and every nanometre of the blade in astounding clarity. A muffled cry could be heard from beneath the parcel tape. Bubbles formed at the sides of the tape, with a red hue foaming over the sides.

Pulling the scalpel out, the man returned to focusing on Oliver’s eyes. He leant in closely, his chest breathing heavily. He hung the sliver blade in front of his face. “I want you to see every second of this” whispered the man. The light glistened of the blade, as it was run gently across Oliver’s eye lids. Oliver was begging for death; the pain was excruciating. His screams unheard, as he choked and spluttered beneath the tape. The eyelids seemed to detach very swiftly from their base, as a bloodied flap of skin was pinched out by the attacker, revealing and exposing Oliver’s eyes. The man reached for a barber style shaving razor, and began to bring it closely to Oliver’s left eye. He held it there for a few seconds, Oliver unable to bare it, screaming and wriggling in the bed - his body contorting and fighting against the belt restraints.

The next thing Oliver saw was the razor passing swiftly through his cornea, as the juices within the eye bubbled and squirted out over the face of the blade. A blend of yellows and reds darted across the silver and ran down the attacker’s wrist, dripping surreptitiously to the floor before joining the stream of blood already on the floor and spiralling down one of the nearby plugholes.

A cavity had opened up in Oliver’s eye, much like the way a yolk bursts from its confines when cutting into a fried egg.
 
 

Oliver passed out from the pain.

Whilst lying there, the attacker took the opportunity to utilise his victim’s motionless body. Drawing a sewing kit from underneath the bed, the man clasped a needle between his forefinger and thumb. He slid on needle into the cavity in his victim’s eye, pressing it in to the middle where the pupil of the eye separated into to flapping folds.

Not satisfied, the attacker desired to create a voodoo doll out of Oliver, so that he could look at him as a souvenir. The man pinched another pin tightly, and slid it carefully into the veins in Oliver’s neck, that were bulging out due to the stress and his screaming. The needle ruptured the endothelium of the vein and a soft calm stream of blood faintly trickled down to his shoulders. A few minutes later and this process had been repeated several times, with numerous pins lining both sides of Oliver’s neck.

Then they had a burger each, and chilled out in front of the TV. The burgers were angus beef    : )

[[Please bear in mind that Oliver was a complete bastard in his life. The event that caused the sequence described in this accurate account was caused by the fact that Oliver defecated on the hopes and dreams of the attacker’s children. He constantly bullied them at school and was a very nasty man. He deserved everything that the attacker did to him.]]


 
 

Chapters

4

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R.Moore wrote 391 days ago

Yes R.Moore! Keep a fucking leash on your temper mate! I'll paragraph when I'm not having my stoppard gobbled you freak!

Just Joey wrote 391 days ago

I can see why this has got a big boy 2 backers in its three and a half month existence. Terrible.

R.Moore wrote 391 days ago

Wot woz awful bout it you fucking cunt. Front me you little cocksucker. Cream on my party friends!

Bea Sinclair wrote 144 days ago

I laughed and cried whilst enjoying this beautifully written work. You are indeed a talented writer and I really wish you success with this highly original book. I have awarded six stars and placed "Ghengis Khan; The Autobiography" on my book shelf. Yours Bea

ubulord wrote 234 days ago

I got curious byt the awful comments, the lack of backers and the author insulting me (lol). I didn't read much but read some. I don't think it's bad. It's kind of reality tv literature, it's not supposed to be compared to Shakespeare. If I remember well, in the 70's there were some books like this one which did rather well commercially. Can't remember the titles though. I think the times have changed and I'm not so sure nowadays there's still much of a market for this kind of thing, but it makes an entertaining read, if one can consider entertaining following the miseries of the downtrodden. I probably should have chosen a different word. The problem with this kind of book is that it's not fantastically well written but if it were, then it wouldn't sound genuine, so it has to be written like this and accepted for what it is. 4 stars.

eleanorcocolarbi wrote 296 days ago

oh my god. amazing. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

R.Moore wrote 371 days ago

You're all fucking liars....backing me for one day. I hope you endure hernia's in vital internal organs.

Su Dan wrote 373 days ago

good title to start. you write clearly and to the point.
backed...
read SEASONS...

Zane Stumpo wrote 375 days ago

So part one now has a part two? More difficult travel into the world of English Psycho. (I assume you're English, and not just a fluent Azerbaijani?) Like an aid mission into Helmand. Fraught with danger and unpleasantness, but an experience you'll remember if you're spared.

Don't read this if you have any taste or scruples.

Compulsory if you crave brutally original writing.

Momma Bear wrote 377 days ago

Your contemptuous forum posting, wild bio and synopsis dragged me over here. I had to read!

I loved it. LOVED it. Jack Kerouac has been reborn in the name of R. Moore. The emotional honesty is what kills me in the piece. Not many people have that kind of courage. And your voice flowed with colorful descriptions to match the mood.

It was a little bit difficult to read with the lack of paragraph breaks. And I know this is probably purposefully done, but it would be a bit easier to read if broken up a bit more. Aside from this petty critique, I loved loved loved it.

More, please.

Six stars.

R.Moore wrote 377 days ago

My main man Jehmka bigging up the soon to be something'd GENGHIS KHAN. I write for me and my prison inmates, they hate soppy romances or thrilling bullshit blahblah, they're about soap stories and infirmary shenanigans. So watch out, if you're in prison, get ready for the big kahuna, and by kahuna I mean surprise not the other thing. I won't stab you with it. It won't leave blood but it will be a damaging experience.

Jehmka wrote 380 days ago

This is amazing.
Just the sort of thing authonomites will not get because it is too original, and too unorthodox. (I apologize to the few writers here who have the courage to not conform and suffer the price. I'm not talking about you.)
But come on now!!! Jesus! Genghis Khan is original, smart, entertaining... genius comes to my mind. Really.
The only nit I can offer is regarding structure. It's a bit like you're feeding the reader with a snow-shovel. But the words are so tasty.

Six stars and three punkins. More please!

R.Moore wrote 391 days ago

U a sheep now blud?! Go bah on your dogs nips for christmas turkey you dog breath cock-er-oach.

Just Joey wrote 391 days ago
R.Moore wrote 391 days ago

Wot woz awful bout it you fucking cunt. Front me you little cocksucker. Cream on my party friends!

Just Joey wrote 391 days ago

I can see why this has got a big boy 2 backers in its three and a half month existence. Terrible.

R.Moore wrote 391 days ago

Yes R.Moore! Keep a fucking leash on your temper mate! I'll paragraph when I'm not having my stoppard gobbled you freak!

R.Moore wrote 392 days ago

For FUCKS sake R. Moore! Put some paragraphs/spacers in your work. You blithering blither merchant.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 393 days ago

R.,
Shades of "Last Exit to Brooklyn," I do believe you've made your presence felt at authonomy. The uniqueness of your work stands out, the first person POV giving your reader a look at the world through shades, most likely cop aviator glasses with one-way mirror tints to deflect intrusion while skewering targeted prey. His nightmares meshed in with his reality, easily could have been the by-product of apoplectic seizure, making both what is real and what is imagined, interchangeable. Thank you so much for the intriguoing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

PerryStroika wrote 394 days ago

R Moore. I get a sense of a very strong and unusual personality in your work. There is a really anarchic sensibility coming from these pages. That said, though, I think you should break these pages up into paragraphs; it would make it easier to read. There also seems to me that you could distinguish between the good bits and the filler a bit more. There is some description, particularly at the beginning, that adds little. The way the narrator seems to talk about his world seems to indicate someone who deals with everything at arms length. It's like life were some stinking, dead rotten fish that he held away from himself, nose wrinkled. That gives the narrative voice a kind of flat, disaffected quality. It's disconcerting but certainly expressive.

In short, I definitely think there is something here, and you should keep shaping it and working on it.

best,

Perry

Karamak wrote 395 days ago

Read the first 3 and you are truly talented this is amazing stuff. Unique with your own original voice. We were once coming down from a mushroom trip and a friend of mine lay in the road - the car swerved just at the last moment, what a night!
Woody Allen watch out, sheer genius (oh and loved the ice -cream bit !!)
Not a bad word to say, LOVE IT 6* Karen x

scottkenny wrote 395 days ago

'morbid faced cows chewing perpetually on what seemed like nothing, gazing with unflinching sadness upon the car.'
Love it,
backed.
Scott.

Maevesleibhin wrote 422 days ago

Roger,
I read your new stories.
I have to say that I had doubts at first, but with these new stories I realise that you do, indeed, have a gift for the strange, dark macabre humour. These stories are absolutely brilliant in their extremely morbid tongue in cheekness. They made me think of Nabokov without the annoying propensity for taking itself seriously. I give it high stars and will be looking forward more stories. I will probably shock my Authonomy friends by even giving it a spin on my shelf at some point.
Forlorn- This is really sick, but at the same time full of pathos. I found the lonelyness of the girl visceral.
A Kiss- Wow. This was really quite a number. The violence of it combined with the tenderness made it memorable.
First Murder- This was so funny and so perverse that I read it with a smile. The man is such a dolt...
Religion Calling- This was very odd, and very irreverent.
Doctors- Weird, and kind of ugly, but so absurd it was funny.

Again, I look forward to more stories. These are the kinds of pieces that you see pasted along mounted pieces at a contemporary art museum. Little works of perverse, sometimes very ugly, art.
I highly recommend them for people who are not easily shocked. Do keep it up.
Best,
Maeve

R.Moore wrote 426 days ago

Teehheeeee my hot dawg Spoon Platoon commenting on my big mover GENGIZ KAHN DA AUTOBIOGAPHRY! 2K12 FUCKERZZZZ! WOOOOO!

SpoonPlatoon wrote 426 days ago

That's how I say your name :D haha :P ;)

SpoonPlatoon wrote 426 days ago

Arrrghhhhh! Mooreee!!!!!

Richard Maitland wrote 426 days ago

You had me at: "I do this when I'm borderline suicidal".

Wonderfully, brutally, bizarre. And backed.

R.Moore wrote 434 days ago

My man Zane speaks powder you troglodytes!

Zane Stumpo wrote 434 days ago

Started with the first two chapters. Roger, Radian, Rhomboid, whoever - you have a unique voice and a heap of deluded insights to express with it. Which is good. There are many writers on this site who can punctuate more consistently, but couldn't come near you for style, originality and sheer readability. Your deranged musings are a fishing hook in my arm. Not nice, but I know I won't disentangle myself in a hurry. Hurrah for your fresh eyes on the world, which allow me to view the familiar and less familiar with unfamiliar gaze.

You are obsessed with sex and perversion. As are we all. Just - you admit it, and put it on paper, which reflects the weird nasty side of us back in a mirror. And that's what being a writer consists of.

You have the skill to say "didn't mind my being there" instead of the crappy "didn't mind me being there". But you can't work out apostrophes! If you want to spell the word "it's" then try saying "it is" in its place. Like - in chapter 2 you describe the moon "flaunting it's silvery streaks". Try my substitution and it reads "flaunting it is silvery streaks". Which is not what you're trying to say. So it's "flaunting its silvery streaks". So it is "flaunting its silvery streaks".

Now practice that. I'll be checking if you've got the hang of it, and there will be sore knuckles if you don't get it right from now on. Yours, not mine.

But, for goodness sake, a copy editor could sort out that detail. What no number of experts could do is graft on talent where none exists. And you have talent, in abundance. That's a tasty person surrounded by little dancing buns.

Six stars, and your rise will be something to behold. You will be loved by those who love this kind of stuff, and hated by those who fear it. E-publishing was invented for distinctive writers like yourself to find a mass niche audience - little groups of aficionados, but spread across the globe. Go for it.

R.Moore wrote 435 days ago

The book is on the rise! It's like a fox full of helium.

R.Moore wrote 437 days ago

Cheers babe for commenting reely appweciate it babes! I'm a top lad for 2K12!

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 437 days ago

What is here written is very good. The way it is written, even taking account of the satire of satire angle, makes my eyes hurt. Even with the font up to 23 point, I find it hard.

Your writing is witty, amusing and insightful. I am sorry if that goes against what you would like me to say, this being a satire of satire...Would you prefer me to suggest, ever so tongue in cheek, that this is a searing indictment of the oppression of the masses by serial literature killing techniques?

Meantime, I rate it highly.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-D

leelah wrote 439 days ago

This is hugely talentful. I savor each of your sentences. I think of Jack kerouac when i read you: the same wildness, outrageousness, the "here I am and take me or not i don't give a shit."
AND you completely confuse us with your pitch too - and i think that is perfect and in style.
I will come back fro short visits. You are delicious is small increments: you have to be savored, not over-eaten.

This was written after the first chapter/story. When i went on, I felt sick - until i realized that I was given the opportunity to look into the mind of extreme pain and delusion - call it borderline, that's just a name - but I know that someone who is able to describe the stuff you are doing AND still can have a "normal" adult life and pay his bills and don't abuse or murder people - he is a writer. ( Now i hope that you do not abuse or murder people and I even hope you are able to pay your bills.)
So i sixstar you for your evident outrageous talent, and suggest that you might have a sweet future if you turned your attention away from hell and towards beauty.

And if you do not behave and acknowledge that I have written this, I will delete the six stars :-)
Leelah

Annette Russell wrote 447 days ago

Fibber! It took me five whole days to work up the courage to respond to your invitation and read about the severed arm you didn't need because it had ebola in it, only to find it wasn't your opening line at all! And in all that time, I didn't eat a single slice of gooey, rich chocolate cake, just so I wouldn't . . . you know . . . I'll leave the description of that to you - I'm the squeamish one here. Although being laughed at in response to saying I love you is pretty horrific too.

I'm married to a man who doesn't speak in paragraphs, so I'm used to not needing a mental health break, but I am a bit cross-eyed at the moment. I guess my eyes could have used a white space break. I don't want to bring on a bout of "hazy stupor", so I'll tip-toe and not mention the dark poetry that pulled me into your book. Sorry, that slipped out, but I promise not to go on about it now. Here's a bit of nit-picky proof-reading instead: in Love with No Reciprocate, "who's" should be "whose" (11th word in line 27); "of" should be "off" (2nd word in line 82), and "doctors" in line 99 (but not 100!) needs an apostrophe. And now you're going to tell me to get a life. Which is precisely what I'm off to do. I'll be back for more of your dark poetry - oops, sorry - as soon as my eyes have recovered. Until then, you're on my watchlist. Annette

R.Moore wrote 452 days ago

Pliss Keep reddin my wurk ppl pliss!

R.Moore wrote 454 days ago

FANKS FOR COKMENTS PLZ KEEP COMMENTING I NEED TO BE IN THE WANKING SO I GET PUBLASHED OKAY EVERYONE CHR\

Emma.L.H. wrote 454 days ago

You're my new favourite person on here! I swear on my brother's eyes, if you ever get a book of short stories published, I'll buy it! I laughed out loud throughout the whole of these; they're exceptionally well written. You are one crazy guy but a talented one at that. Drop me a message if you upload anything else! :D

R.Moore wrote 454 days ago

FANKS 4 REPLYIN GEESE, WEELY WEELY APPRECIATE THIS SHIT CHEERZ M8S

leeconnor wrote 454 days ago

I don't care if you're crazy or unbelievably funny - this is plainly just a good old honest piece of writing and full of humour. You've obviously got a lot to say so I'm very much looking forward to any more books you upload! Only one thing...if you could format the text, readers will find it so much more easier to read, review and comment. The content is great, just break it up a bit more.

Well done - I'm sure this will gather plenty attention. Good luck and welcome to the site!

Lee :-)

Maevesleibhin wrote 466 days ago

There is a fundamental issue and that is, you need to post more stories.
Ignoring the fact that one story is repeated four times, I really like the first two chapters. This is really wonderful, understated, dark, darkly humourous character-driven, thought provoking short fiction. I don't have time for a detailed comment now, but I just wanted to say I think this is really worth the read. These are over the top and depressing situations at first that are told with a humour that brings to relief the human condition in a stark manner. Some cracked me up enormously, like Morgue Mimic.
The torture chapter was a bit much for me until the ironic ending, which made
me laugh. I think you need to write more stories and make a full offering before this can get the attention it deserves.
More soon.
Best,
Maeve

Warrick Mayes wrote 496 days ago

R Moore,

I read Oliver Twist. I assume that this is a complete short story in chapter one, as it has such an odd ending.

I share a little of Jack's concerns, but not all.
In places, the narrative concentrates more on the act and less on the feelings of the victim. This could start to alienate the reader, as they would naturally side with the victim and would feel greater fear and more sickened if they can be kept in the mind of the victim rather than in the mind of the attacker. The paragraphs beninning "Clenched in the hands..." and "Seemingly not satisfied..." are prime examples of what I mean.

There are some lovely contrasts - your describe the apalling scene in light comparisons to beautiful and touching scenes.

I found a few niggles:
The sentence that ends "...thrust it into the hand of Oliver." feels awkward and would flow better as "...thrust it into Oliver's hand."

The way you describe the finger nail coming off "...ripping it from the finger entirely, as it shot off and skated across the floor." sound like the ripping off happens at ths same time as the skating across the floor, which is not possible. Hence "...ripping it from the finger entirely, and sending it skating across the floor." would make more sense.

The repetition of "the floor" feels clunky in "...dripping surreptitiously to the floor, before joining the stream of blood already on the floor..." and might be better as "...dripping surreptitiously to the floor, before joining the stream of blood already there, spiralling down..."

A couple of errors in "...he slid on needle into the cavity......separated into to flapping folds." should probably be "...he slid one needle into the cavity......separated into flapping folds."

Altogether a very intriguing read. If the intention is to shock, you have achieved this, but I would concentrate either on the vile nature of the attacker (cold sadism) or the horror and pain of the victim (maintaining the agony).

Best regards
Warrick

Jack Cerro wrote 499 days ago

Short story or random scene? In the end this suffers from a lack of context. We end up sympathizing with the tortured guy which is not your intent. As a short story this could work if the tortured fella gave us glimpses into his past behavior via flashbacks. Maybe we would see a transformation in him as the torture progresses. Maybe he has a epiphany about his life?

Small nit picks..."longed for death" is probably a cliche at this point.
The use of X...could be heard bothered me because it doesn't tell me who could hear it. This is really a pov issue as this excerpt has a point of view that floats around quite a bit. One minute I'm seeing the action from afar and the next moment I'm tight to the victims sight and senses. This can work and in some ways it gives you the luxury of writing in great detail about the more visceral and visual effects of the slaughter. Problem is, it begs the question of why the narrator is describing the mutilation in such a way that it beautifies it. This isn't the victims perspective and from your short blurb at the end, I don't think it is the torturers perspective.The torturer here is coming across as your cliche "Hostel" style sadist with a flair for the surreal. Your giving us none of his humanity. The revenge factor doesn't bleed through here. He's too one dimensional too be interesting. Like the victim, I'd rather see him waver a bit in his role. You say the victim has it coming, but I get no sense of that in this piece. The attacker is cold and detached, not angry and vengeful. Let some more humanity in, let him talk to the victim about the things he has done. Maybe let him waver in the face of what he is doing. Unless the guy tortures people all the time, he shouldn't behave in this way.

Interesting read.

orma wrote 499 days ago

Oh my God! That'll teach me for being nosey! I really don't get this. Is it really entertainment?
What exactly do you get out of writing this stuff!
I accepted your friend request and thought I'd check you out. Please tell me you haven't actually done this type of thing.
To tell you the truth I don't think this kind of thing sells well, but if it does, don't you think you're pandering to a sadistic curiosity!
I've only read half of the first chapter, as this is not too my taste.
The writing itself is quite good, so I think you are capable of writing a proper book. You know, one that shines from merit, rather than just from shock tactics.
Btw, I don't think you can taste a pulse. Maybe hear would be better.
Anyway, that's all the input I have for you. This is definitely not my area!
I hope you try something different, as you have some talent as a writer and don't need this gruesom extremism to attract an audience.
All the best and i hope you will find time to return the read. What are you like with the paranormal? Does that scare you?

Jue Shaw wrote 499 days ago

Fucking hell, this is gruesome. You write well but this is a difficult piece to read, because of the nature of it. If your aim is to shock and chill the heart, then yes, you have achieved this. You now need to decide where you go from here. Is it to be a stand alone piece or will you be constructing a story around it? I can imagine this being a relevant chapter in a full book, so I'm assuming this is what you'll do. Either way, good luck with it, you certainly have some talent. x

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 500 days ago

One of the messages you were sent made me curious about your book. I don't know how you can call it Chick Lit, romance or Comedy. I would class it as Misery Lit, not a genre I like, although there seems to be a market for it. I did not read it all, but had a glance at the end.
It is my guess that you were bullied as a child, and are fantasizing what you would like to have done back, especially as you have repeated the first chapter six times. If I am right, I hope your book has helped you work through your anger. Or maybe I'm wrong - and you have repeated the chapter, just to get enough words, and plan to add more to the book later.

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