Book Jacket

 

rank 1881
word count 33697
date submitted 07.02.2012
date updated 15.08.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Young Adult
classification: moderate
complete

Slinker: Evasion

Dave Crews

For a man to have a future, the boy must outrun his past.

But what when the past catches up with him?

 

Slinker remembered nothing of his past life when he escaped. Only the surreal visions of his dreams had told him he was anything else. He had escaped, and has spent the last seven years turning his back on what happened to him, and trying to find his family. But then something else happens, completely out of the blue...

A figure from that long-buried past resurfaces, and she needs his help. Others from the depths of his memory are returning, the men who tried to keep both him and her locked away. Running together, they both become targets, either for death or worse - recapture, and returning into the hands of the cold scientists. They have to rely on each other to stop their fates from taking a turn for the worse.

Can he survive in the present long enough to escape once more?

Or will his past catch up with him?


BOOK 1 of the Chameleon Chronicles: Complete first draft at ~33.5k words.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

betrayal, chameleon, genetics, hero, invisible, science, scientists, slinker, superhero, teenage, thriller, young adult

on 15 watchlists

34 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

7

report abuse

CHAPTER ONE

    Ruth Perry removed the key from the lock, and paused as she checked off her mental list for locking up for the night. Lights and computers were all switched off. Back doors and exits – all locked. All reachable windows – closed and locked. Only this door had been left, and now it was locked as well. Inside was completely empty; she had looked under every desk and behind every bookshelf.

    She tucked the keys safely away in her deepest pocket, thinking over what was causing her to be so rigorous in her security measurements; that boy.

    Every morning, when they opened the Basurham public library and checked the CCTV, they saw him. A boy aged about seventeen, who had somehow got in each and every night. He didn’t steal anything, which she thought was odd. In this town, almost every seventeen-year-old boy stole something, especially when surrounded with books, computers and other valuable items. But this one… he just read some of the books by torchlight, and went to sleep on one of the chairs. Then he’d wake up and just… vanish. Literally, vanish, into thin air. It was like he didn’t exist… except for the imprints in the chair cushions and the books out of order.

    The first time she saw the recordings, she thought it was a trick. But he’d kept appearing, night after night for at least a week now, and no-one could identify or explain him. He didn’t fit anyone in the police’s records, and there was no-one who could recognize him. Phil said he could be a ghost, but then - the librarian snorted - Ol' Phil Foster would say that.

    She shook her head, smiling slightly to herself, and walked briskly away to catch her bus home, confident in her assumption that she had finally foiled the mystery.

    Inside, all was quiet for a few minutes. Then, there was a soft thud of feet landing on carpet. The noise of a slight rustle and fumble in pockets, and a torch flicked on. The boy was there, ragged clothes covering a slimness that belied his strength. His chiselled features cast hard shadows over his face, but his eyes shone through the shadow, as if they amplified the light that entered, and cast it out in radiances of green.

 

    Slinker liked libraries. They made a change from abandoned buildings and street alleys for sleeping in, for one they were generally warm and comfortable. They were considerably  harder to sneak into at night, he had to come in chameleoned now or he’d risk the librarian recognizing him. He’d just spent the last half an hour or so lying flat, and invisible, on top of a tall bookshelf, staying as quiet as possible. Now, he had the next eight hours or so to rest.

    By torchlight, Slinker made his way to the literature bookshelf, and picked out a book for himself. Having not gone to school for the last six or seven years, it was probably a good idea to try and learn as much as he can; yet another reason why he liked libraries.

    He settles down to read 'Lord Of The Flies' by William Golding.

    In the intervening seven years since his escape, Slinker had been slowly meandering around the place, not really with any purpose but a vague and now long faded hope he might find his family again. In this intervening time, he had lived on the streets. When he first escaped, he did consider going to a foster home. But he couldn't. He simply could not bring himself to reject his family like that. Instead he'd learned to fend for himself.

    He'd had to learn to fight very fast. People hadn't expected a ten-year-old on the streets, and they certainly hadn't expected that boy to be able to fight. But it was exactly those same people who found out that an invisible ten-year-old with a very precise knowledge of the anatomy, and where it hurts most, that found out differently. Now that he was seventeen, people expected him to be able to fight. Although, they still didn't expect him to win, and especially not to win before they even saw him.

    It wasn't difficult to get what he needed in the way of food and clothes; especially when no-one could see you getting it. The tricky part was trying to put it back, to do something good in return. He felt it was wrong to just take from society, not because he supported the authorities. In fact, he fought the authorities quite a lot. No, he gave back simply because it was right. And he gave back in the only way he can, by keeping an eye on criminals in the area. You say 'vigilante', he says 'good Samaritan with fists'

    A scream filtered through the library windows, and Slinker looked around in the direction it had come from; looked like it was about time to be a good Samaritan again. The scream came again, and he carefully put the book away, and leapt into action.

    The librarian may have locked all reachable windows, but Slinker was well practised at getting to the unreachable ones. In three bounds he was hanging by his fingertips at the top of the tall windows, torch in his teeth, pushing them open. These windows were usually opened by a long pole, and in other circumstances he may have used it, but he didn't indulge that method today. This was quicker.

    The window popped open, and Slinker, now chameleoned, swung onto the rooftops and ran along to where the screams were coming from.

    Reaching the alley after a short sprint, he looked over the edge of the building, and sees a large man locked in combat with a younger girl, about his age. She was fighting back, and she was fighting with spirit, but it wouldn't be long before she was either over-powered or things turned nasty.

    Slinker never enjoyed fights, especially being stuck in them. As far as he was concerned, if his opponent got a chance to swing at him, the fight was a failure. He always preferred to be invisible during a fight, catching the enemy out with either a pressure spot, or the old fashioned way.

    Scrabbling around for a distraction, he threw a loose tile at the guys head, and started climbing quickly down the side of the building. The tile smashed on his head, and the man staggers backwards, clutching his head and staring up at the building. The girl conveniently chose exactly this moment to kick him, very hard, in the shin.

    The man yelped, and swung wildly at the girl. His fist connected with the side of her head, and she fell against the wall. The man suddenly moved his hand, and a small but heavy blackjack slipped out of his sleeve. He moved towards the girl, raising it up for a heavy blow to her head... but he whipped round as a hand tapped him on the shoulder. No-one was there. The man paused, befuddled. Who the hell tapped him on the shoulder, then? The heavy metal cylinder suddenly jerked out of his hand, and drew back for a blow. The man's eyes widen, but before he can make a sound he is struck hard on the side of the head by his own weapon. Lights explode in front of his eyes, and he falls on the hard ground, unconscious.

 

    The girl stirred slightly in her position slumped against the wall, her raven dark hair falling like a curtain around her face and masking the developing bruise on her temple. She slowly looked up, and her keen - deceptively keen - brown eyes take in the scene around her. The unconscious would-be criminal was lying on the floor, and no-one else was in sight.

    She jumped and gasped slightly at a soft voice spoke into her ear. “Are you all right?”   

    She scrambled to her feet, fists raised and looking around wildly.

    “Who the hell are you?!”

    The voice paused. The next words contain a hint of incredulity.

    “You can't be...?”

    A thin laugh comes out of the air.

    The girl paused as well. Her slim figure was tense with fear, her clothes soaked with sweat from the earlier fight.

    “Who are you? I can't see you!”

    She twisted round, looking up and down the dark alley. Suddenly, a figure appears where she was certain there wasn't one before, and she darted around to put her back to a wall, facing the figure, and raises her fists defensively. She evidently had some knowledge of fighting, judging from her stance.

    “Don't you dare come near me! I'll fight you!”

    The figure held up its hands, and steps into range of the dingy sodium light between him and the girl.

    “I'm not going to hurt you. Unlike that last guy.”

    The girl sees his ragged clothes, the sharp edges to his face casting a shadow over his eyes. Infuriatingly, he's smiling at her. Actually smiling.

    The girl hesitated and grudgingly said “Thanks for helping out, whoever you are.”

    The figure laughed slightly. “I thought you wouldn't recognise me...”

    The girl narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “What are you talking about? I don't KNOW you, I've never even seen you before!”

    The figure halted, in the middle of the light. The shadows have moved aside, and she saw the glint in his eyes... and she stopped mid-sentence. Almost forgetting her potential danger, she stepped forward to look deeper into the eyes. It was like looking into a tunnel that she was falling into, surrounded by vivid greens. They weren't a colour of green, they were THE colour of green, the definitive shade of green that all other shades were mere imitations.

    They seemed familiar to her. Almost like part of a long-repressed memory.

    The figure stepped forward once more, his face fully illuminated in the light. The girl gasps suddenly as the memories come rushing back at last. The figure, the face, those eyes...

    “Recognise me now, Charleigh?”

Chapters

7

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
malky76 wrote 627 days ago

Wow, 17 years old! That's pretty amazing. I must admit, I read the first chapter before reading your bio. You'll be published by the time you're 30. Some great advice here on punctuation, tenses and grammar. Some of it may come across as severe criticism - it's not. It is simply other writers recognising great potential and giving you important snippets of advice. I'm a 36 year old journalist and I still get advice! Listen to it and you will improve year after year.

Cara Gold wrote 725 days ago

{Slinker: Evasion} – Dave Crews
Chapter 1 (or minus five :P)

I totally loved the pitch – so original and exciting! I wasn’t disappointed in the first chapter – great intro to the story. I like the action you begin, with Slinker thinking about escape. I also like your sentences and structuring to build tension – like the single line on its own ‘Now for the next step’

You bring mystery into the story well, and I love the way we follow Slinker’s thoughts and his confusion, and we gradually learn with him as he goes through the papers.

Some vivid imagery, my favourite was the description of those eyes – ‘resembled a dense shoal of colourful fish seen from very far away, or a thick circular bank of smoke’ – great stuff!

Your voice is great, very active which is perfect for this high tension scene. I thoroughly enjoyed. Great stuff and I’ll be back : )
Cara

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 730 days ago

YARG review!

No! Not the end! This was so much fun to read. I laughed with Grew and Bails, hated Charleigh easily, loved/hated that stupid Timothy, and overall, had a blast reading all about Slinker! Or Dan, as we should call him now (though I will forever call him Danny! :D) I almost expected him to bump into Joy at the end... almost!

Can't wait for the sequel, Dave! One typo in the very last chapter-- searching a big city would take 'time'. Anyway, take that, stupid evil scientists! :D I'm already wondering what kind of adventures Dan will have in the big city!

Noelle

rikasworld wrote 734 days ago

| found this a very, very exciting read. You establish sympathy for Slinker immediately and all the information slips into the first chapter while the pace remains smooth and exciting. The character is very real despite and his situation instantly believable. Only one thing - maybe divide para. 2 into several sentences. I had to read it several times to make sense of it. Otherwise brilliant. I read up to ch. 4 and even when Slinker became homicidal I stayed solidly on his side. The memories of his childhood were beautifully done, the voice changed cleverly for a young boy, and with nice humour. Maybe the bit where you give his parents background was unnecessary just there.
Boy are you talented! I will read more for fun. I'm keeping it on my watchlist. Six stars.

Greenleaf wrote 748 days ago

Dave,
I'm very impressed with your first novel. I read your non-fiction book and that was really good, but writing fiction is very different. You've pulled it off. Great job, especially for a first draft. I've read the first seven chapters so far. I had trouble stopping. I'll be back fo read more. Very likable characters and good descriptions. Great pacing.

Highly starred! Keep writing. You have talent.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Sara Stinson wrote 558 days ago

YARG III

Slinker: Evasion
Dave Crews

I have nothing bad to say! You have a delightful read! The character is strong and your writing flows and is easy to read. I give you high stars!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

MauriceR wrote 616 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique

Hi Dave
This worked just fine for me. The escape scene was a good way to get things started and let the reader know what the story is about without resorting to info dumps.
If you are looking for improvement suggestions, one reaction I had to the chapter was that it didn’t give me a particularly clear image of his personality. What emotions he did show, such as fear, were no more than you might expect given the situation. If you could somehow hint at something more idiosyncratic without it getting in the way of what you already have, it might help. But it is only Chapter 1, so this is more a suggestion to think about than a recommendation.
Regarding the writing, I see some other people have given you some detailed comments. The only thing I would add is to watch out for cliches like “stopped him in his tracks”. As cliches go, this is not a particularly egregious example, but consider finding a better way of saying the same thing in your own words.

Hope this helps
Maurice

Abby Vandiver wrote 619 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique

The invisible idea is an old story but like a vampire or werewoldf tale, a fresh new point of view can make it exciting. It seemed that the 10 year old was quite mature and knowing for his age after being caged up for a while. Don't exactly know how long after one chapter. And he seems to be quite the reader without too much schooling I would think.

An ellipsis is three dots and three spaces, like this . . .

And he seems to be quite the reader. I think this is a good start.

kokako wrote 622 days ago

Club Nanobots

Hi Dave,

Here’s my Nanobots review for ‘Slinker: Evasion’. I’m less good on the general comment sort of stuff, so I’ve gone through and tried to give some more specific suggestions. I’m not an expert, though, so take what works for you and feel free to toss the rest.

Ch 1

1) Good start. That first sentence says a lot in just two words.

2) ‘not the disturbing half-fantasies, half-illusions, all nightmares he had when he was drugged’
This took a couple of reads to follow what you were trying to say here. Maybe you could say something like, ‘not the disturbing half-fantasy, half-illusion nightmares he had when he was drugged’ instead. It says the same, but doesn’t end up adding to more than one, which is the bit I got caught out on.

3) ‘small and claustrophobic’
claustrophobic spaces are small by definition, so I think I’d remove ‘small and’

4) ‘with enough room to walk around on either side’
Unless this fact is critical to the story later on, I think I’d remove it, as it makes the sentence difficult to read – and as the room is barely big enough to hold a bed, most people would assume there’s only just room to walk around the side of the bed (though not necessarily on both sides).

5) ‘He didn’t really know why he wanted to escape’
As you say later, it’s only natural. Maybe say ‘He didn’t really know why he had such a strong compulsion to escape’?

6) ‘managed it far easier’
should be ‘managed it far more easily’ as you need to use an adverb here to describe the verb. (‘easier’ is an adjective)

7) ‘not in some illegal experimenting facility’
Does Slinker know it’s an illegal experimenting facility? Is that one of the things he’s remembered? Perhaps you could mention this earlier if it is – maybe when he’s talking about wanting to escape?

8) ‘began to drag the man onto the bed’
Maybe say, ‘began to drag the man onto it’ as you’ve already mentioned ‘the bed’ at the start of the sentence.

9) ‘The men surrounded the prone figure…’
I’d probably put a bit more into this paragraph. They all just sound too calm. Why don’t some of them look around the room – and miss seeing him? And I’d expect some of them to run out. They obviously realise Slinker’s missing, so their natural reaction would be to race off in pursuit of him – and to raise the alarm. Certainly some would stay behind to carry the man out, but most would be hunting for Slinker.

10) ‘his conscious’
should be ‘consciousness’ in this context. You ‘are’ conscious, but you ‘have’ a consciousness.

11) ‘but the demeanour of someone much older’
should be ‘but with the demeanour of someone much older’ as a demeanour is something you have. (eg, it’s like saying ‘Slinker saw a boy, probably about ten or eleven, but with green eyes’. You have to use ‘with’ for this to make sense.)

12) ‘He looked closer, though, and scars of all shapes and sizes pocked his chest.’
This sounds as though they pocked his chest because he looked closer, whereas they were actually there the whole time. Maybe say, ‘He looked closer. Scars of all shapes and sizes pocked his chest.’ Or, ‘He looked closer, though, and saw scars of all shapes and sizes pocking his chest.’

13) ‘into their depths’
Up until now, you’ve been talking about ‘it’, which is singular. It doesn’t matter in these few sentences if you use singular or plural (ie ‘The iris’ or ‘The irises’), but whichever you choose you need to stick to it until you specifically name a new subject (or subjects).

14) ‘one phrase bounces back’
‘bounces’ should be ‘bounced’ as your narrative is in the past tense.

15) ‘to subjects back’
‘subjects’ should be ‘subject’s’ for the same reason as 14).

16) ‘pain helps to focus’
‘helps’ should be ‘helped’ for the same reason as 14).

17) ‘contain his entire’
‘contain’ should be ‘contained’ (for the reason given in 14))

18) ‘by the words reading’
remove ‘reading’. The sentence doesn’t need it and it doesn’t make a lot of sense here.

This is an excellent first chapter. The reader has as many questions as Slinker, and learns things as he does. The story starts well and continues to drip little bits of information to intrigue us right throughout the chapter. And the ending definitely made me want to turn the page and read more. Well done.

Sue

Ryan_Gomes wrote 625 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique

I was so hooked, I was upset when the first chapter ended! You really have a way of hooking the reader in and keeping them interested. So many questions beg to be answered. Who is Slinker? Why have these men experimented on him? How will he escape? All these questions beg answers and really make the reader go on.

Your flow was great, I only stumbled once or twice. In particular, "This was it. This was what those half-remembered dreams meant - it must be!" I felt the last part was unnecessary and the hyphen splice threw me off. But I'm only nitpicking there, not a huge deal. Your descriptions were great too. I'm definitely watching, I want to read more!

Ryan

Elizabeth H wrote 625 days ago

Club Nanobot Review

Why make and invisible man? There has to be a compelling reason and they have started with a child. Children don't drop off the face of the planet without an enormous fuss been raised by their families, so where are Slinker's? Is he a foster child, a runnaway? I guess this is for the next chapter and it does make a great hook.

I was wondering what happened to the clothes when he vanishes. I see he was only wearing a pair of long shorts, but would these pe affected by what his body does? Also, is it a chemical change, or a telepathic change?

Facinating. I shall enjoy reading more.

malky76 wrote 627 days ago

Wow, 17 years old! That's pretty amazing. I must admit, I read the first chapter before reading your bio. You'll be published by the time you're 30. Some great advice here on punctuation, tenses and grammar. Some of it may come across as severe criticism - it's not. It is simply other writers recognising great potential and giving you important snippets of advice. I'm a 36 year old journalist and I still get advice! Listen to it and you will improve year after year.

malky76 wrote 627 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique

The first thing to say here is that you can really write scenes with electric pace. The tension as Slinker tries to regain his invisibility is palpable. I would have liked a little more mystery, given that this is the first chapter. You could be really clever here and not tell the reader that Slinker is invisible. It would make for a wickedly baffling opening sequence - in a good way. i also thought the guys carrying guns could have been a little more menacing as that would add a great deal more tension. Having them say something to each other, when they walk into the room Slinker escaped from, might go some way to achieving this.

There was a little word repetition, but nothing a good old edit wouldn't sort out. The pitch is excellent and the premise is just up my street. Being able to write in this fast-paced style is an art - with good character development, this book has real potential.

In fact, it's going on my shelf!

Malcolm

scottkenny wrote 628 days ago

Hi Dave, nanobot revue for Slinker: Evasion.
The pace is excellent with the story flying along at just the right speed for a first chapter. You have a good command of language. I'm pleased to see that you don't allow the story to be sidetracked with unnecessary detail, so that chapter one reads like a straight line from start to finish. I like the concept, a modern version of The Invisible Man, with viruses and surgery replacing the potion. The pitch is interesting, taking us forward to the man, and the solving of the mystery.
The main concern I have for chapter one, is the ease with which Slinker escapes to the office, and coincidentally finds the files. There's lots of opportunity to increase the tension by placing more obstacles in his way. Lots to pleased with too, though.
'Now he lay back, pretending to be asleep.' Finish here.

KaliedaRik wrote 628 days ago

Hi, Dave! Please find below my "Club Nanobot" crit on your book. The comments that follow are my reactions to reading your first chapter - please remember that my views are but one among many: only use the stuff that you find useful and feel free to bin the rest.

Chapter 1 is a good read. We meet Slinker and watch him attempt an escape from a secure unit. During the escape we discover that he can make himself invisible. We also witness him finding out the reasons behind his strange ability, alongside him discovering his past in the pages of a doctor's file.

This is all good stuff, but could it be better? There's tension in the text, but I have to admit that at no point in the read did I feel gripped by the escape sequence. I think one of the key reasons for this was that I couldn't visualise the scenes - perhaps there's scope for more scene description here? For instance the guards had guns yet didn't feel very threatening; I notice there's no dialogue in this opening: would giving them some words help ratchet up the tension? Also, they don't seem particularly surprised to find a colleague slumped on the floor, or worried about Slinker's disappearance.

A final thought: you explain Slinker's ability to camouflage himself straight off the bat - I wondered whether you're missing a trick here: I would have been happy to accept his ability as a given at this point and hoped for an explanation later on in the book.

All-in-all, I thought this was a good, solid opening and would not hesitate to read on. But could it be even better? Best wishes with taking this one forward.

grouserock wrote 629 days ago

Club Nanobot Critique:
Your long pitch is excellent and you do have a knack for getting a rollicking pace in motion. Intriguing premise too. There were one or two places where I seemed to feel confused about tenses and had to re-read a sentence. For example "until one phrase bounces (should be bounced?) back at him." and, "It hurt his stomach as it descended but the pain helps (should it be helped?) to focus his mind.
The other two things that I wondered about were the way you slid in the idea that he was in an 'illegal experimenting facility' - how did he figure that out so quickly when he barely started to remember things or why he wanted to escape? Also, wouldn't the men who came in go running out to look around or be a bit frantic when they found their downed comrade - the one our hero had punched out - instead of just picking him up and leaving? Just my first thoughts.
I'm a bit envious of the easy flow of your action scenes. Well done. I plan to return to read more of this.

Paul Richards wrote 629 days ago

Nanobot Review -

It is my opinion that a good sci-fi story needs a world where things happen we might want but never would realize. It takes good imagination and that is what I read in your book. From the very beginning I am looking for the next thing. I have read only the first chapter as per the Club Nanobot guidelines but I hope to read more.

I have the sense that Slinker is more than just human - it may be from the genetic messing around or it may be the author that gives the character the actions of a lizard thing. Descriptive scenes do pop about. I like it.

Ted Cross wrote 631 days ago

Club Nanobot Critique --
I envy you doing this well at only 17. I didn't get my start until my late thirties, so you are way ahead of me!

A first chapter that makes me feel like the story may be a new take on the invisible man theme. The writing is not bad and reads smoothly with just a few nits to pick here and there. It has a YA feel to it, at least from reading just this first chapter. It felt a little too easy for him to happen upon just the right room to get his personal history folder, so I wonder if it isn't worth putting more obstacles in his way before he gets that far? Here are a few notes I made on minor corrections:

'...asleep as he always was' -- Made me pause, because if taken literally, it makes no sense. I can imagine him asleep much of the time, but always?

'...get away, that was only natural' -- needs a semicolon rather than a comma after 'away'

You have the plural word 'scalpels' but then almost immediately refer back to it with the word 'it', so the numbers don't match up.

'...deposit the blade to his hand' -- deposit to his hand seemed odd to me, so I'd reword though maybe this is a Brit useage?

'...leapt out of the bed and began to drag the man onto the bed...' -- the two uses of 'bed' are jarring. Maybe 'leapt down and began to drag the man onto the bed' or something similar would be better

'...to be -- But... -- the 'But' shouldn't be capitalized after an emdash

'...cold oppressive abandoned corridor' -- too many descriptors in a row. I'd pick the most important one, or two at the most

'...floor was carpeted the fabric felt...' -- needs a semicolon after 'carpeted'

'...he stopped, and leaned closer...' -- drop the comma after 'stopped'

'...bounces back...' -- change from past to present tense

'...the wall the date was marked...' -- needs semicolon after 'wall'

'...contain his entire...' -- change of tense; should be 'contained'

You use lots of elipses to finish off paragraphs; I'd simply use periods there.

'What he didn't see...' -- All of a sudden it is omniscient POV when it has seemed like close 3rd throughout.

Daniel de Molay-Wilson wrote 632 days ago

Wow! Only 17, and numerous books to your name. Sounds like me at that age! haha! So very well done, Dave.

I would strongly recommend you read Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. Its been made into a film featuring Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, and Helena Bonham-Carter. The reason I mention it is because the novel, aside from being short and very readable, is told ENTIRELY is the first-person. I feel you could benefit from seeing what he includes, and what's left out in regards of sentence-structure and momentum.

So although it'd be a chink in the armour to the literary gods you list as your fav's (who I rate v. highly as well) I'd say look at Fight Club, as writing-wise at least, it may prove helpful...

Also, in your first or second paragraph, you mention the words 'remembering' or 'remember' more than once. So I'd urge you to look at that word in a thesaurus, and get familiar with variations.

Never apologise for knowing more words than most peoplle speak in a sentence in an everyday way. Get familiar with words and their variations, and never feel bad for broadening your range, as-- believe me-- your work will evolve in leaps and bounds on account of it!

Well done!
Dan

brerandall wrote 633 days ago

Club Nanobot:
How have I not read this before now?!? So excited to find this treasure! First chapter is excellent, does everything it's supposed to and more! Super excited to read on. Perfect amount of action and intrigue, the flow and pace is great, and your MS is spotless. Great work. Love love loved it. Six stars. (:

Bre
Memoria

Earl Carlson wrote 633 days ago

Club Nanobot Critique:
I noticed a few grammatical errors: "He looked closer . . ." should be "He looked more closely . . ." which would of course be edited out. And I don't understand how he could maneuver that scalpel from the foot of his bed up to his hands, or how he was able to retie his bonds after he had cut them. He would have to retie at least one of them with one hand. There was also one rather awkward sentence, in which the room is described as small, claustrophobic and barely big enough to hold the bed with enough room to walk around. Claustrophobic would have been sufficient. Also the word "enough" appears twice, separated by only five words.

On the whole, however, I find the story fresh and interesting. I believe it would appeal to young adult readers. You have a good opening chapter.

Roy Batty wrote 634 days ago

Club Nanobot Critique - Hi first the bad then the good. First four paragraphs are clunky - these are your first four - make them bite. So, Slinker hits a guy goes invisible and guards come and leisurely take away their fallen comrade. No alarm bells? No rushing around trying to find him? I know Slinker finding papers on his past would be more than interested in finding out what they contained but with the scientist in the room and fearing the loss of his invisibility would he try then? Nope. Some tense shifts and spell mistakes. However, the story is excellent and yes I want to know about his past too and about the chameleon stuff and those interesting eyes. Overall great but sort out the start and those other things. Starred and backed. Roy.

Racheal McGillivary wrote 635 days ago

{YARG review} {YAL review}{Nanobots}

Dave,

You start out great in the first chapter. You throw he reader directly into the suspense of the story.

The second paragraph could use a touch of revising. There were too many remember/ remembering. I would eliminate the second time you say, "Ever since he started remembering". Seeing as you already stated it, you could jump right in to "a month ago". This way it flows a tad smoother.

It's very sad what has been done to this guy. And I wonder why they are doing this to him? For what purpose? He has been turned into some kind of chameleon!

"It hurt his stomach as it descended, but the pain helps to focus his mind." You switch tenses here, so maybe say "...the pain helped focus his mind."

I love how well you keep the suspense alive in this chapter. And you end it on a perfect cliffhanger. Taking us back into his memories and finding out what is really going on. Great job! Highly starred!

Racheal

John Lovell wrote 645 days ago

Hey fella,

Read chapter minus five just now. Well done! I'm having to focus my eyes from looking at anyone else's comments right now just in case it ruins any of it for me. You gave a good feel of what was happening and the emotions of Slinker too.

There was some tension, both with the story and the way you write. Already I'm left wondering what's up with this guy. I'll be back for more and will let you know what I like as I get through it.

John

John Lovell wrote 645 days ago

Hey fella,

Read chapter minus five just now. Well done! I'm having to focus my eyes from looking at anyone else's comments right now just in case it ruins any of it for me. You gave a good feel of what was happening and the emotions of Slinker too.

There was some tension, both with the story and the way you write. Already I'm left wondering what's up with this guy. I'll be back for more and will let you know what I like as I get through it.

John

MillieC wrote 685 days ago

Good start...I like the tension, the nervousness and the immediacy of the story. It's well written and interesting. It makes me want to read on.
One little niggle? If Slinker had been tied to a bed for at least a month, the muscles in his limbs would have atrophied even just slightly...he would not have been able to jump from the bed or attack anyone...
Anyway, just my opinion, its yor book and you are free to ignore it :)
Good luck with this
Starred and will return
Kit x
Crown of Thorns

Cara Gold wrote 725 days ago

{Slinker: Evasion} – Dave Crews
Chapter 1 (or minus five :P)

I totally loved the pitch – so original and exciting! I wasn’t disappointed in the first chapter – great intro to the story. I like the action you begin, with Slinker thinking about escape. I also like your sentences and structuring to build tension – like the single line on its own ‘Now for the next step’

You bring mystery into the story well, and I love the way we follow Slinker’s thoughts and his confusion, and we gradually learn with him as he goes through the papers.

Some vivid imagery, my favourite was the description of those eyes – ‘resembled a dense shoal of colourful fish seen from very far away, or a thick circular bank of smoke’ – great stuff!

Your voice is great, very active which is perfect for this high tension scene. I thoroughly enjoyed. Great stuff and I’ll be back : )
Cara

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 730 days ago

YARG review!

No! Not the end! This was so much fun to read. I laughed with Grew and Bails, hated Charleigh easily, loved/hated that stupid Timothy, and overall, had a blast reading all about Slinker! Or Dan, as we should call him now (though I will forever call him Danny! :D) I almost expected him to bump into Joy at the end... almost!

Can't wait for the sequel, Dave! One typo in the very last chapter-- searching a big city would take 'time'. Anyway, take that, stupid evil scientists! :D I'm already wondering what kind of adventures Dan will have in the big city!

Noelle

rikasworld wrote 734 days ago

| found this a very, very exciting read. You establish sympathy for Slinker immediately and all the information slips into the first chapter while the pace remains smooth and exciting. The character is very real despite and his situation instantly believable. Only one thing - maybe divide para. 2 into several sentences. I had to read it several times to make sense of it. Otherwise brilliant. I read up to ch. 4 and even when Slinker became homicidal I stayed solidly on his side. The memories of his childhood were beautifully done, the voice changed cleverly for a young boy, and with nice humour. Maybe the bit where you give his parents background was unnecessary just there.
Boy are you talented! I will read more for fun. I'm keeping it on my watchlist. Six stars.

Joe betts wrote 737 days ago

I really like it so far dave good job :D

Joe betts wrote 737 days ago

I really like it so far dave good job :D

Greenleaf wrote 748 days ago

Dave,
I'm very impressed with your first novel. I read your non-fiction book and that was really good, but writing fiction is very different. You've pulled it off. Great job, especially for a first draft. I've read the first seven chapters so far. I had trouble stopping. I'll be back fo read more. Very likable characters and good descriptions. Great pacing.

Highly starred! Keep writing. You have talent.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Brian Bandell wrote 762 days ago

The story is really good. The set up for Slinker's rampage works well so that I understand why he acts that way. The action scenes are well done.

Your biggest issue is in grammar and, in a few cases, word choice. But those can be corrected with some careful editing.

It would help in the beginning to show Slinker’s motivation for wanting to escape. Was it simply being bound up? Did he fear they would hurt him and why did he feel that way?

How is a corridor emotionless if it can’t possibly have emotions? The same can be said about metal.

Typo “..but WITH the demeanor of someone much older.”

Which of his muscles were well defined?

Stay in past tense “Coming across and chocolate bar, he UNWRAPPED it and DEVOURED it…” You revert to present tense in other places too. Stay in past with your verbs.

Shoe possession: “Slinker saw Daniel’s friends.” – “His mother’s thin strength.”

Typo: “A blur that was a different colour THAN the blurs surrounding it.”

What was his favorite food, by the way? That detail says something about his character. Also describe what his room looks like in a way that conveys his personality and interests.

Typo: “He was the one who did this TO him.”

There is a great deal of promise here and I will back it. Just be sure to careful review the grammar and use of tenses before you submit it.

Best of luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 768 days ago

(short) YARG review

I've read everything you've uploaded, and it just get better! More, please! :D
This is really good, considering you're still on your first draft.

Noelle ;)

ghart98 wrote 768 days ago

YARG review,
You are truly a talented young man. I couldn't stop reading what you have written, so I had to pull myself away from it to write this review. I felt the same rage as slinker felt as he discovered his memories and It just made me wonder if his parents knew what was happening to him or if they thought he died or something. I can't wait to read more and I have backed the book. It was that good. Did I mention on how talented you are?... I did, oh well I said it agian. :)

Amber315 wrote 778 days ago

YARG Review

You write well for your age. You write well for a lot of ages actually. I have a friend in her forties who can't write this well, not that I would tell her that. When I was seventeen, my writing was a mess. This is a suspenseful read. The beginning drew me in and kept me reading. From the start you grab the reader's attention. There were a few problems I noticed. You wrote things like He 'heard' footsteps. It might have more impact if you dropped the 'heard' part and just have the footsteps coming closer. Some of the writing slowed your pace down too much. There were some words that were used too many times like this example in chapter one:
There was something tugging at the back of his mind, telling him he should know something.

You used the word 'something' twice in one sentence. Little stuff like that will push the reader out of the story and make them wrinkle their nose. The good news is things like this are easy to fix. Anyway, I enjoyed the suspense of the story. Good luck with it.

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 783 days ago

Dear Dave

"Slinker Evasion" is an interesting offering. I am especially taken with your strong writer's voice, your colourful language and your plot, which all feel well thought out. Your pace is great too, as is the way you use italics for past scenes. I like the way you set this out.

Occasionally you seem to have had difficulties choosing whether to use past or present tense. If you read aloud, you will find it easier to spot instances when you mix your tenses. This also helps you to decide which you would prefer to stick with.

There are places when you might re-write for clarity and impact, for example, in the third para of chapter one.

i am tempted, when reading this story, to draw parallels with your own personal experiences. A book about escaping hospital and revenge..? Interesting, professor! Yet, your writing here is mature and knowledgeable. Your familiarity with hospital "language" adds credibility and weight to your story.

I am impressed with this book which you indicate is only in a draft. Colourful, engaging and plausible, this tale has a lot going for it and is perfectly pitched. Your mature writing style is the icing on the cake. Well done!

Fran Macilvey :-))

Derek O'Brien wrote 787 days ago

Hello, Dave, I caught a read of your pitch (well written, by the way), and was interested in reading further. I'm not long here on Authonomy and so many others have offered me some strong and positive feedback on my own work, Mattie Ducayne and the Devil in the Mist, that I felt I should return the favour with others.
You have a very good, strong opening. It immediately captures the reader's attention. The narrative prose is succinct, doing just enough to illustrate the scene and the protagonist. And your chapters are the right length to make this a page turner.
If I had any constructive criticism, it would be to change the font on the notes to make them a little more legible, and maybe not give away too much about Slinker's new abilities too soon, keep it more mysterious..
That's it really, so far. I might add more as I continue reading. Anyway, good luck with it!

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 787 days ago

Whoo hoo! It's finally up! Dibs on comment #1!

1