Middling

I brilliant start to this story. I read a little last night and then read the rest this morning. Brilliant. I like te way you have centre this book around as the character. Well impressed as you now have the reader in the palm of your hands. I enjoyed this so much.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R). Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? happy New Year. Sean

This book is beautifully crafted, tot he point and a lovely flowing read. Great plots and vivid imagery. Top stars!!

Wow. I could not stop reading. This was mesmerizing. Every word was read, no skimming. This is a compliment indeed. I have only read Chapter one, being about to go out, but this is seriously good. No fault to be found.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

This is beautifully written. Your craftsmanship is faultless, and the story is nicely surreal. You handle dialogue and narrative with equal dexterity. I tried hard to find something to pick on, but got no where. Thought I found a spelling error, but it turned out you were right all along. Sheesh. At the end of chapter two, "trains engines" should have an apostrophe: train's. Hah! I did find something. Really nice work! Best of luck with this!
And if you think you'd like a middle-grade, tongue-in-cheek, medieval adventure novel, please do come visit The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

A BHCG Review - if I come across as harsh at any point, please accept my apologies. It's my BPD-driven inner perfectionistic editor. She's mean, but she means well.

Pitches: Your SP could be more intriguing. Whats should be what’s and you need a comma before names of people or places (i.e. Middling), although I’d be inclined to say the seaside town OF Middling. Further into your LP, you hyphenate sea-side, so you need to ensure you’re being consistent. Your LP tells me what I need to know to pick the book over others on a shop shelf, but it’s “soft” writing. Very informal, chatty, fluffy etc, and it would have more impact tightened up. You’re selling this as a lit-fic thriller, and I don’t get that from the LP language.

Opening: I get what you’re trying to do with the opening sentence, but it doesn’t work for me. Blank pages at the premature end of a book aren’t intrusive. Annoying, yes; intrusive, no. Look out for “and then” in your writing – it’s a commonly overused phrase and adds to my opinion that your writing is soft and fluffy. Not what an agent would want from the opener of a thriller. You can use free online editing software (prowritingaid is good) to catch overused phrases and words. In the second paragraph, I’d switch things around – you say the MC had no real recollection of the morning and then give a list of things, before explaining that it’s a composite memory. Say it’s a composite memory first.

Pace: You spend a lot of your early paragraphs on description. Unless it’s vital to know the exact layout of the alley from his house to the train station, cut cut cut. Thrillers need to be filled with action, not a lot of description about somewhere I suspect the MC is never going to see again, what with probably being shot dead. Description like that deadens the pace. The pace only picks up once the gun appears. It moves along reasonably well after that point, although I’d be inclined to get rid of filter words wherever possible. It’s difficult because of the tense you’re writing in, but I think you could do it with a decent edit.

Dialogue: Once we get to the dialogue, it’s believable. I’d like to see a few more contractions (and that’s not just in dialogue but it’s more obvious when people say things like “I have” instead of “I’ve”), but otherwise it’s fine.

Characterisation: Love the narky train driver. Getting a good feel of the MC’s confusion, and yet he has a great sense of humour I’m enjoying.

Sentence structure/level/grammar etc: A few places where it needs tidying up, but nothing a decent edit won’t pick up on, and nothing that gets drastically in the way of the writing.

Specific points – relating to your opening chapters. You’ve made a point of saying your MC has no particular memory of that morning, and spend a long paragraph detailing what things would have looked like, from his memories of other mornings when he didn’t get shot. Then you start giving me huge amounts of specific detail about the man he shouldn’t be able to remember according to what you’ve told me earlier. SAYING THAT – once you get into the description of facing the man, and the observations about the bullet, his thoughts about calculating his daily wage, the conversation he thinks he’s having with the man about borrowing the mobile phone – it’s fantastic. There must be a way of cutting out some of the preamble and starting with the walk behind the seemingly drunken man who couldn’t possibly be holding a gun. That’s your opening.

OVERALL – my comments may sound entirely negative, but I’m giving this book 5 stars because it has enormous potential. The writing needs to be tightened, and I think some of the descriptions can be pared so we get to the good bits (I loved the information leaflets in Chapter 3). But otherwise, this is ticking all my boxes and I really hope you use Authonomy to sharpen this up and get it out into the big, bad world. Best of luck.

Toby,
I didn't want to like this because I have no shelf space for a while and lots waiting to go on there. But I really do like it. Thought it was fantastic. Very Beckett/Kafka/Terry Gilliam.
With this sort of book I guess there are a few pitfalls. It could go a bit pear-shaped and sound like a bad episode of 'Tales of the Unexpected' or 'The Twilight Zone', but you avoid that completely with the wonderful tone of the first person narrative. It's intriguing and disconcerting and maddeningly absorbing. Reminds me a little of HG Wells, 'The Invisible Man'. We really feel what it might be like to be in this situation. We empathise with the protagonist completely. You do that artlessly with great description and a deep POV.
I guess the other pitfall would be that it ends up being too samey and the plot doesn't progress enough. I can't judge that because you've only got a few chapters up here, but whatever happens give him a 'want' that keeps the tension up and plan a stonking end. This work really deserves it.
No niggles, it was utterly fabulous.
6 stars from me with a planned spin on my shelf in a couple weeks time.
Sharda.
P.S. We were doing a reading swap but I am now slightly embarrassed by my contribution to said swap! Curious to know what you think though.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/
PPS Also love the cover, looks like a manifesto for the German Bauhaus movement.

Toby - this is the kind of book that gets under your skin and into your dreams. Kafka comes to my mind - the sense of an Intelligence at work whose ways we do not understand is delightfully suggested. The title is wonderfully ambiguous. Development of story and character is hard to comment on as there is such a small sample here, but if I opened this in a bookshop I would definitely buy it. I particularly liked the understated way you describe the shooting. A very English book. Highly starred and will be on my shelf next month - yours, Pan

BHCG review

I read the pitches before I started and wished I hadn’t. Didn’t spoil it for me, but I denied myself an extra level of intrigue that I would have enjoyed. Would it be worth (for idiots like me) being less explicit?

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
You got me from the first paragraph. It’s not so much a plot at this point – more a situation and a mystery, and I was keen to find out what he was talking about. The momentum is good. The sense of something catastrophic coming closer was enough to keep me interested in the journey for the first two chapters. For me, the third chapter flagged slightly, both in the quality of the writing (not as smooth) and the interest level. His search for the band and his description of the parade seemed longer than necessary. You got me back when the barrister appeared. (Loved the birds, and poor little do weet doo.)

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
As yet, we have virtually no back story. Hasn’t bothered me so far, but I think about now I’d like at least a mention of the people he’s left behind.

Characters/Characterization
A thoroughly satisfactory MC, although I think (as above) I’d now like to have a sense of him in his former life to give me an extra dimension. The ticket collector and the barrister both have an admirable amount of personality for such brief appearances.

Point of View/Voice
First person works really well. Third person wouldn’t have nearly the impact imo.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
The style works well for me. Not a lot of dialogue so far, but I’m not missing it, and what there is is effective for both character and information.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Really well written – one of the best I’ve found so far for the first two chapters. The third chapter doesn’t seem to me as fluent. For example

‘..as though not really in earshot it had been carried on the wind to me...’
and
the paragraph beginning ‘Suddenly I tripped on a step...’

Some of the construction seems clumsier than the earlier writing led me to expect, but maybe that’s a question of editing and punctuation (or just me).
On a really nit-picky level,
Ch 1 ‘...in the same direction that I was...’ – In the same direction as I was?
‘...because there is a man about with a gun...’ – change of tense.
Ch 2 ‘...I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not I ought to open it, even though it was my name written on there doing so felt like something of a trespass...’ – Two sentences?
‘...the trains engines...’ – train’s
Ch 3 ‘...three story houses...’ – storey
‘...it pick out...’ – pick it out
‘synchronicity ‘ – synchronisation?

Originality and Publishability? Who can tell these days?

Now that I’ve read this through, it sounds horribly critical, which is a paradox, because overall I think it’s really impressive, hugely promising and thoroughly entertaining, and it will be on my shelf at the next shuffle. Highly rated.
Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer.

Hello Toby,
A BHCG review for the weekend.
The first sentence sets the quintessentially English tone that remains consistent throughout. It reminds me of a duck, serene and unflustered above the water line with furious paddling underneath. That's how Michael Caine describes good acting and that led me on to remember how Richard Burton described Clint Eastwood's style as dynamic lethargy. The pace and content are slightly one speed, my mind was beginning to wander towards the end of the first third of chapter one untill I saw 'gun'. This happens again later, each time a hook is delivered as the writer recognises it is needed. The content follows the pattern of interesting first few paragraphs becoming a bit tedious towards the end of the first third of the chapter-eg repetitive description of carriages-then something 'exciting' needs to be ushered in. It's abit like meeting someone at a party, the initial interest in meeting someone new is sated then there is a lull when both of you try to think of something interesting whilst keeping the conversation going.
'I walked...I listened...I hurried' all appear in close proximity in one paragrapgh at the end of chapter two.
That said the writing is friction-free, personable and engaging. The dialogue worked excellently between the MC and the ticket inspector, suitably veiled with the solicitor. The intrigue quotient flares up with the killer's reappearance but i found it hard to separate it from the pattern I mentioned above. The existential aspects are dealt with economically without any sign of self-indulgence which suits the MC perfectly.
I enjoyed it. Would read more. The above are subjective responses so please disregard if you want, or better still tear into my own story.
5 stars, on WL.
John
Dropping Babies

Hi Toby - here's another BHCG review: I read the chapters before I had read the pitches, and was very glad I did it this way round. What I love about this book is not knowing exactly what's happened to Peter - guessing but not being sure. If you could be more ambiguous in the pitches, it would keep the terrific hook you have with the shooting in chap 1. Maybe the short pitch could say ' Getting shot' rather than 'getting killed'. The long pitch goes into too much detail for me - all I need is the mysterious atmosphere with its clues [the death-themed festival and even the name Middling [could be some stage of purgatory or half-life] and the earnest confusion of your understated, very British narrator. Great possibilities, high stars, would like to read more - Frances K

Hi. This is a BHG crit.
Pitches - I like to start reading the book first, without reading the pith, so that it's a surprise to me and I come at it without knowing anything. Afterwards, reading the pitches, I thought they worked very well, were interesting and would encourage the reader in.

Plot - I suppose this has been done before - but what hasn't? I liked this take on the theme, and it read in a fresh way.

Characters - Likeable MC. The other characters seemed realistic and believable.

Dialogue - In the same way, despite the scenario, the dialogue, I thought, was well done and seemed realistic, especially liked the train guard. No clunky speech tags or difficulty working out who said what.

Voice - This reader liked the voice very much. It was personal and storytellish - by which I mean it was not an effort. It was like hearing someone read to me.

This isn't a book that starts with a crash bang wallop - and I liked that, too. It was a slow-burn, thoughtful beginning, which made me think. The observations of a life normally lived, suddenly interrrupted, which is something I think everyone could relate to.

Any comments regarding the writing I might make would be that perhaps there were a few commas where maybe a full stop or semi-colon would do better, but that's a tiny thing. Also, I would have liked to know a little bit more about the main character before he gets shot and embarks on his bizaare train journey into the after life. It would have helped me to feel more empathy, more sense of sorrow and connection to him - what was he leaving behind? What people? Did he like his life? Were there problems? I don't need clunky domestic detail by any means, but just maybe a little more idea of him as a fleshed out character that I was sharing the experience with. Maybe we get backstory after chapter 3, but I'd have liked some before that - and even the gunman - do we learn who he was? Or why he did what he did? Was it totally random? Maybe we find out later.

I thought chapter one was really well done as I said - loved the way you handled the shooting in that slow motion, observational tone. Obviously I've never been shot like that, but I can imagine those sort of small details being very realistic. It was more effective for me by being written that way, rather than some action packed hold-up or assault.

Chapter 2 - because I hadn't read the pitch, was a surprise. Not in hospital, or even back at home after the incident, but on a train! Gradually I realised that something was up; something was wrong, and the dialogue with the guard worked on the same level for me as it probably did for the MC - what was going on? I liked slowly finding out the truth along with him and I thought you did it very well.

I was sorry to see you only had 3 chapters up - because I wanted to read on and see what happened next - and maybe that is the best evidence that this works - that I wanted there to be more to read.

So - no obvious faults or errors, just an engaging story, with the comments I made above the only 'negatives' I found to make. Giving good stars and a place on my watchlist.
Cariad.

A BHCG review

This story, written in the first person, narrated from the after-life, makes an interesting parallel with The Book Thief, narrated by God and the Stephen King short story, Willa, in the collection, After the Sunset, about a train derailment, where a group of dead people wait for a train that never arrives.
Plot and pace: The inciting incident sets up the plot immediately – there’s no back story to hold up the narrative flow. It’s hard to judge plot and pace in a work of literary fiction, solely on the three chapters that have been uploaded. For a surreal journey into the after-life, for the first three chapters, the pace seems about right, although to sustain reader interest, in subsequent chapters you’d expect some variation in the pace.

Point of view: A first person point of view suits this type of narrative although it would work too in the third person.

Style: This is so subjective but for this reader it works.

Sentence level: It is hard to copy edit your own work and this is just a minor nit, but in your next edit you might want to iron out the repetition between one sentence and the next – for example in Chapter 2, ‘I woke up on a train “followed by “I was woken by an announcement.” In Chapter 3, the para that starts, Do weet do, (which expresses a rather lovely sentiment, by the way) the phrase, “these/the other birds,” appears four times. The para about hearing the siren and then seeing the blue flashing light needs tightening up, just a matter of tweaking to bring it up to the standard of the rest of your prose. The phrase, ‘out of breath’ then ‘wheezing breath’ is used in the same sentence. Storey, as in house, has an e in it.

Dialogue: Dialogue is suitably surreal, given that the encounters are with other dead people – the train conductor and the barrister in Chapter 3.

Originality/Potential: I finished the first three chapters that you’d uploaded and you left me wanting more – always a good sign. Let me know when you upload more chapters and I’ll try to come back and read more.

(Alison) Lambert Nagle
Revolution Earth

Hi, this is your BHCG review. Please remember that this is just the opinion of a fellow amateur, and feel free to discard anything you don’t agree with.

Plot / Opening: Loved what I’ve read so far. Making an extraordinary situation so, well, ordinary, is clever. Familiar and mysterious at the same time, I have absolutely no idea where you’re going with this, which is obviously a good thing as I’ll keep reading until I find out. The central themes you're exploring - what happens when we die, why can life seem so unfair etc. - are universal and I'm looking forward to exploring your take on them.

The pacing is just right for me, but I can’t make my mind up about back story. Obviously, I’d like to know a bit more about Peter, but I’m not sure I really need to at this stage. I think your opening paragraph is too long, and labours the point somewhat.

Characters/Characterization: I’ve read the first two chapters, and am slowly starting to build up an idea of Peter. He seems incredibly laid back about the situation. I’m not entirely sure why he isn’t panicking, although I get the sense that there’s a good reason for this? I think you focus too much on his surroundings in the second chapter, I can easily picture where he is, he doesn’t have to keep describing it all for me. I’d much rather know how he’s feeling / what he’s thinking. Maybe he could be thinking about the life he appears to have left behind, a girlfriend, his mum, his dog etc.? If you don’t want readers to know much about Peter at this stage then that’s fine, but you might need to widen your focus slightly in terms of the scene.

Train guard added a nice splash of comedy.

Point of View/Voice You have the makings of a distinctive voice, intelligent yet easy to read. Telling this entirely from Peter’s point of view works, as we only find out what is happening when he does. It makes it easier to imagine how he must be feeling.

Style – This is a fresh take on an age old question, handled with confidence.

Sentence level – Here’s where I get nitpicky, sorry! There’s quite a lot of repetition in certain parts of the story, particularly in Chapter 2. For example, Peter’s observation that each carriage is a carbon copy of the last is followed almost directly by one about them being so similar they seem to be in a loop. The paragraph where the pain begins contains that word 3 or 4 times – ‘a pain in my stomach’, ‘a jabbing pain’, ‘the pain suddenly jerked up a notch’. It’s really difficult to spot repetition in your own writing, and we’re all guilty of it. Have you tried wordcounter.com? It checks sections of your text for frequently used words etc. Incredibly helpful! I think you have an obvious descriptive ability, but it can tend to feel slightly over written eg. ‘flickering like a zoetrope’ is a great image, I don’t think you need the exposition which follows.

Dialogue: Good, believable but I think some of it could use a tidy up. ’Let’s be seeing it’ and ‘the truest thing he knew’ sound a bit odd. You tend to labour the point again when the guard comes to speak to Peter, I’m not sure if this is characterization? For example, he explains twice that he’s been given six months training, and he also uses the words ‘train’ and ‘job’ quite a few times, I realise that a lot of people do this when they are talking so perhaps this is also deliberate?

Originality: Highly original and distinctly British from the off.

Publishability: I think you’d attract a lot of readers with such an intriguing premise.

I really enjoyed Middling, and I think it merits a lot more attention than it’s currently receiving. Hopefully the BHCG will bring more readers your way, because you deserve them! Highly starred and on my WL.

i like this, i read the chapters provided, since for most the question "what happens to you when you die" is a very real one, and very open one, the circumstance of this story invites the inquisitive many, the author instead of providing an answer right off leads us on the protagonist's death journey, which seems to be also the soul's journey, the journey though is not an illuminated one, but starts in the dark of night and is populated by odd characters, sounds, and landscapes, i think the interested reader will look to symbolism to uncloak these actors and reveal their roles, set up in the introduction and early in the story is the question "why do bad things happen to good people", it seems to be a controlling zen like koan that ultimately the protagonist and by implication the soul must answer to come to understainding, i think at times while interesting the story is a bit long winded and the author risks losing audience who may want the mystery to evolve more rapidly, it is however no matter an inventive and interesting piece, and promises some interesting chapters to come

Have uploaded revised versions of these chapters. Thanks for all the helpful comments.

Toby,

I really enjoyed the first chapter. A wonderful view on the last moments of life, the irrational thoughts, the previous memories - how weird they then seem.

Not everythin is perfect though. Some sentences need a little more punctuation, for example "As I matched his speed though I saw how slowly I would need to walk to remain at a sensible distance behind him."
Also the long sentence that starts "Where was the adrenaline rush..."

Worth lots of stars!
Best wishes
Warrick

Hi Toby
I enjoyed this first chapter - great voice and I'm already o side with Peter as a protagonist - he seems such a decent bloke. This is well manicured and I never felt anything getting in the way of the pace. I also like the premise - nice take on the afterlife.
I always try to offer some advice so -some sentences felt a little long for me - "Where was the adrenaline rush that was supposed to turn me into a superman for a few minutes so that I could overcome the terrible situation I now found myself in in a way that would later seem miraculous and extraordinary?" - just scanned long for me - "Where was the adrenaline rush that was supposed to turn me into a superman for a few minutes to overcome this terrible situation in a way that would later seem miraculous?" I would def ditch the "extraordinary" as it felt redundant after "miraculous"
Hope this makes sense. I've starred and added to my watchlist to read more.
All the best Toby
Derek
The Angel chord

Hi Toby, I feel somewhat privileged to be the first to comment on such an unusual, well-written and captivating story. You describe the gunshot scene with a good amount of finesse, without resorting to horror or gory details . . . I very much like the idea of Peter rushing around in a hurry to get to work, only to reside himself to the fact that if he misses the train there's nothing he can do about it.

I've only read the first two chapters so far, but I think you have a unique character voice, both in Peter and the conductor. You have a fantastic knack for description, detail and scene setting, however I did feel there was a little bit of repetition in places. You might consider condensing some of your sentences/paragraphs (for the purpose of making them a little easier to read).

A good piece of advice I try to keep in mind is - don't write more than you need to . . .

I think you have a very original idea in the making and your dialogue is excellent throughout. It sort of reminded me of the train scene from The Matrix (Reloaded I think), crossed with a different take on The Gargoyle (at least the opening section) written by Andrew Davidson. I'll most definitely put this on my watchlist for further reading, and since I have nothing else on my bookshelf currently, I'll give you some backing too!

Brilliant!