Outland

Hi Tyler,

This to me looks really good. The title and pitches are good, well-written. I've WL this for now. I'll come back soon to read it.

It's me,
D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURE

This is a wonderful read. The characters are interesting and likable. The story moves along in a fashion I haven't really seen before. I like it, concise, action packed, entertaining. I want to read more. Are you planning on uploading the rest of the book to this site?

Tyler,

What a great premise! This has the makings of a really fantastic and epic adventure. The characters are filling out nicely and you are building a full and intricate world for them to live in.

You do a really great job of 'showing' in our writing, but then you go back and 'tell' us too. Showing is always better in writing and you have demonstrated good skill at this. e.g. The whole beginning with the guards chasing the boys, and the way the other citizens treat them 'show' us that the lower class is treated badly, but you go on to tell us about it as well. Since the reader has already figured this out from the action it seems very redundant. I would go back through your story and simply cut out most of the telling instances.

Again, I really love the direction you are taking the story! This has great potential.

April Gray
The Illusion

I like the story but I do have some constructive comments. By no means am I an expert, but I hope my comments might be useful to you.

There's a lot of description in the first chapter, and it was a little hard to keep track of everyone. Sadly I skipped a little as the chapter was a bit too long for me. I would have liked a stronger end for the chapter when you describe the gangs. "I've switch gangs often" is a confusing sentence. I didn't get any clarity of whether he's in a gang now. Perhaps this part might be cut off and added to chapter two. Actually I think the chapter would have a more powerful end if you cut off right after the two men run off while trying not to draw more unwanted attention to themselves - the rest of the paras may be suited for chapter two where a clearer idea of that last paragraph about the gangs might shine.

That being said, I think you've got a great story here, and I'm going to visit the rest of your chapters. I'm interested in who the Patriarch is supposed to be, and who the important lady reciting the events of the day is - if she's anything.

This is an imaginative, creative adventure staged during end times when the earth has met its apocalypse and is now divided into five cities with Dios under the oppressive, brutal leadership of the Patriarch. The author writes a highly detailed, descriptive story of the city gripped in the brutality of the guards of the Patriarch and the Levites. Woven within this end-times scenario is the story of an orphan who grows into an outlaw and leader of the rebellion against the Patriarch.

Tyler has developed characters with whom the reader easier identifies and about whom the reader cares: Jett Lasting, the orphan leader; Lilly, Jett's love; Victor and Telmen, and Spike, Jett's friends. As the plot moves through the action scenes with Jett and his friends stealing and fighting in order to survive, the readers are introduced to Grent and the rebellion he is leading. Once Kane helps Jett rescue Telmen from the Levites, Jett is then confined and watched over by victor and Spike until he decides that he wants to join Grent in his rebellion.

Tyler, there are some very minor typos throughout your manuscript such as:

"After he death I met him...." (did you mean, After her death I met him....?)

I'll not point them all out as I think you'll catch them with editing. And there are places in your story where your plot is slowed down a bit by your descriptions of the guards and the other evil characters. (You might want to substitute dialogue for some of your description in order to keep your plot moving briskly along). But, overall, you've done a good job of writing and your effort shows. These would just be minor modifications.

This exciting action-adventure set during the Great Collapse offers fascinating locations (cities, Outlands, etc.), , tragedy, likeable characters, amazing survival episodes and has the potential to become a very popular book once it is published. You have my best wishes for the publication of this book. sincerely, Pat

Tyler,
Following Jeff's antics as a thief along with his friend Victor,at the onset of your tale is an exhilaratiing exercise, if one can describe fleeing Patriarch agents, as such. You show clear snapshots of the action, your first person POV giving your reader a ringside view of the events portrayed. Your protagonist is sympathetic and worth cheering on through his misadventures. One thing you mnight consider is sticking to one tense as you start off in the past and move on to present tense. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Crazy interesting read. Love the premise and the characters. The story moves along really well too. I am a big fan of the Hunger Games and this book reminds me of them a bit. Really want to read more.

Really interesting story. I want to read more of it. I like it a lot. Reminds me a bit of Hunger Games in a good way. Best wishes

SF42 Review:

Great start, so sad, really well written and a perfect intro to a character that is struggling in life. However, for me after that the story struggles.
I love these dystopia stories, always have, and I like the ideas you are presenting of the five major cities left after the war and the class system. Have you read Aldous Huxley - Brave New World, I think you'd get a lot out of that.

In Chapter 1-2 there is far too much description that reads more like a report than a dynamic story and I don't feel that I learn anything more about Jett until he meets Lily. Which is a shame, as I say the first two paragraphs are fantastic and full of character.

The friendship between Jett and Victor is obviously a long one Victor was there to help Jett after his mother's death, but in their dialogue I don't get a sense of that. I know that the way I talk with friends I've known for 20 years is different to those I've known for a couple. If you can get that tone of voice between them I think you'd have a really compelling friendship to drive the plot along, because they are both very likeable people.
I want Jett to succeed, I like him, but he is too bogged down in trying to set up what the city is, why the Partrich are bad, why the guards are bad... you can explain this through interaction with Jett, and as he is a likable character I'm much more likely to get a sense of what the city is like. For instance in chapter 2 or 3 when the guard comes out of the pub and bumps into the child's bike you write again about how bad the guards are.. but we already know that, the story here should immediately be about what Jett sees in Lily that he doesn't see in himself. where he freezes all the time in stressful situations she dives right in, don't waste time telling us the guards are bad people, I want to read about this character in a tough position watching the women he loves getting stuck in!

Oh and one minor point you describe him as classless and an Undesirable, I know they are the same thing but a little consistency would help cement his social standing.

Hope that's helpful. In short, love Jett, he's great but his dialogue with Victor should sparkle more. Spend more time telling Jetts story living in this city rather than explaining what the city is, drop in your ideas through the story.