Book Jacket

 

rank 1962
word count 21693
date submitted 13.02.2012
date updated 20.05.2012
genres: Non-fiction, Biography, Harper True...
classification: universal
incomplete

Snatched From The Fire

Patricia Amis

This is a story of a woman and the journey she takes to strengthen her spirituality and redirect her faith.

 

Amis, portraying herself as Sabrina Matheson endured a lot as a child. She lives with her mother and younger sister, and each day, they struggle to survive. At twelve, Amis meets her father, and her life takes a sudden turn. He is a wealthy man and gives his daughters everything they ask for to make up for the lost times and compensate for his busy schedule. With her father around, things seem better. Amis has no idea of what she will go through next. . Falling in love for the first time is a fairytale come true. Amis is in the second year of college when she falls in love with Keno. She finds out that he is a selfish man who wants to manipulate her for his own benefit. Their breakup, puts Amis in misery, until Gary arrives to help her recover. Or so she thinks. The perfect family Sabrina dreams of crumbles when Gary turns out to be an abusive husband and father. Gary becomes a threat to her life . Amis becomes depressed. She longs for deliverance and spiritual revival, and she will receive her heart’s desire soon enough.

 
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tags

, 1989, deliverance, demons, depression, engagement, faith, gary, hope, jamaica, keno, mistrust, rituals, underground club, witchcraft

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52 comments

 

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Cara Gold wrote 422 days ago

Patricia,

What a wonderful opening to your story! You set the scene well, I particularly love your vivid descriptions of the sights and smells – (especially the collard greens, fried chicken and pastries!) which pulls the reader in and makes them feel a part of it. The characters are likeable and well portrayed. You also have a mastery over dialogue, enabling us to feel like we are there in the scene, and enabling you to construct your characters in such a realistic way. Which of course is so important in this genre. But I have read a surprising number of biography type books which, although they might be real, certainly don’t feel like the reader can connect in any way… as if they are ‘distanced’ from the action.

There are many nice little touches riddled throughout; giving your work a certain charm of its own. I loved the ‘rooster clock’ ticking calmly away… The dream description was great too. And finally, the ending of chapter 1 with the wave imagery; simply beautiful. I wonder if maybe you could start ‘The waves represented a sense…’ on a new line/new para to add emphasis – because this is truly beautiful!

RoyEarle93 wrote 424 days ago

I am struck by how powerfully you portray the emotions and the hurt felt by Sabrina. I was engaged from the start, this one is very vivid and very powerful. All and all, having read as far as the fifth chapter, I have to say this is an excellent story with great potential. I've put it on my watchlist and I've given you 6 stars. Great Job!

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

Adeel wrote 425 days ago

The story is excellent with well written dialogues and the charachterization is vivid. Putting words to describe one's life has never been an easy thing and writing biography is very difficult task because you have to judge yourself not only through your own eyes but also through the eyes of others and have to give a balanced judgement. You have done all this very well and its because of the tone of the book that i am rating it as 6 star book and WL it for future backing. Best of luck Patricia.

billy.mcbride wrote 430 days ago

Dear Patricia,

I found in your work much characterization that really seemed alive and with depth. I also enjoyed the serious tone which you use as well as the vividness of the story. There is a wide range of many different kinds of emotions which your characters have and having so it balances the story very well. The small font however makes some of it hard to read. You can fix it easily. Just select it on Word and make it above 14pt. Thanks for sharing your work. Billy M.

Maria Constantine wrote 431 days ago

Patricia, what has impressed me most is the way you convey the pain and emotions felt by Sabrina. From the outset I am struck by the emotional abuse suffered by Sabrina in the hands of her aunt and cousins eg Gabrielle stuffing bread into young Sabrina's mouth and taunting her because she is always hungry. There is detail in your writing which allows the reader to become engaged in the story and even though it was a bit difficult to read because of the small font, I perservered and was rewarded.
Highly starred
Maria (Georgina's Family)

gingerknucklehairs wrote 102 days ago

This is a well written and edited story.
I found it easy to read and well paced to hold the readers attention.
The story wasn't going how I expected. It was a strange way to get in touch with the father; stranger still how he easily accepted the news, especially after originally denying that the children were his. The lengths he went to to get out of the responsibility jarred with his actions after the phone call. I realise that the story is true and fact is stranger than fiction. It made it more real because it wasn't expected.
The end of chapter two is a cracking page turner. I'll definitely be reading more of this when I have more time.
High starred and on my watch list for more.
Take care, Jes.

ShirleyGrace wrote 106 days ago

Patricia: I have read all you have uploaded. This is a very good book and when I started reading it all came back to me. The little girls struggles in trying to grow up in not so perfect circumstances and trying to find out "who" she is. Many of us can relate to this. Wanting a future and trying so hard to get that, yet having others selfishly stand in the way. It takes a lot of "grit" to write a book in the "true"life way and I congratulate you for doing that.. I like your style and your descriptions are spot-on.It's very emotional and sad in a way. I don't know what happened to my other comment but I have starred you well and perhaps I can back this soon.
Sincerely
ShirleyGrace
The Devil's Stepchild

Software wrote 106 days ago

Snatched from the Fire is a very personal and heart rendering story. It is also quite gripping and exceedingly poignant in terms of the subject matter. To compose a biography like this with few apparent punches pulled requires strength of purpose and dedication to task. Highly starred and WL'ed. Bookshelf contender when complete.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

evermoore wrote 107 days ago

The ups and downs of life are portrayed vividly with your words. You allowed me to feel as if I were peeking in a window watching things unfold. I ache for the girl you write of, knowing her life wasn't easy for her but hoping it soon gets better. High stars and i'll be peeking back to see when more is posted...

Linda

Lyn Ventura wrote 107 days ago

Hi Patricia,

I couldn't read all of the first chapter because of the small font, but chpt 2 was really good. I like the way you built Sabrina's character up. The tension between her and her father was very well expressed also.You are already on my watchlist for further reading. Yours is a nice story with great writing. Thank you!

Lyn Ventura
With All My MInd

Kerron Lee wrote 265 days ago

A good well paced story, quite engaging.

Charlotte12 wrote 274 days ago

Nice beginning to your story. Lots of vivid imagery (I liked the description of the birthday party at the beginning), and Sabrina is a sympathetic and sensitive character.

Nice start!

Charlotte12

Pamela Crabtree wrote 280 days ago

Dear Patricia, I've just read your four chapters and enjoyed it thoroughly, it's a real pageturner! I like the way you slwly and subtley build a sense of disquiet,it's powerful writing. Thank goodness Sabrina listens to her mother! I can't wait to see if she triumphs through adversity. Really well written and worth five stars and backing.
If you have time could you read the first three chapters of my book,I would greatly value your opinion.
Kind Regards, Pamela Crabtree.
'The Severed Cord.'

Pamela Crabtree wrote 287 days ago

Dear Patricia, Your book sounds really interesting, I will be reading it soon. You might like to take a look at my novel which is a psychological journey of a different kind,a young woman's escape from the influence of her domineering mother with the support of her black butler. Please have a look at the first three chapters, this will give you a good flavour of the novel. I'll get back to you soon with comments.
Kind Regards, Pamela Crabtree.
'The Severed Cord'.

Jacqueline Malcolm wrote 287 days ago

Hey Patricia - I was able to read through Chapter 1 (not sure what the problem with the font is - for some reason came up tiny so I really had to strain to read it) but I loved the characters you have built and have/are introducing. Amis/Sabrina has a vibrancy about her - I think you captured her youthfulness perfectly without trying to 'sound' 7 and it was delightful seeing life and the characters come alive through her eyes and perception. The first chapter gave me the overall feeling that there was a long wonderful journey ahead for the reader and I def would want to read on. Well done - lovely piece of work. On my WL for future backing once I clear some space on my bookshelf :)

MrsGray wrote 309 days ago

Pat,

I think you have a great premise to a moving story here. I like the diary style of writing used and even manage to convey the fresh hurt your character feel throughout the story.

It does need a bit of polish, though. Here are a few ideas that may help you.

The dialog, for the most part, is the same for all of the characters. Very proper and mainly unnatural, especially when we visit Sabrina on her seventh birthday. Sabrina's language as a seven year old raised in the projects is the same as when she has grown into an young adult attending college. I know you can use great dialog because you let it slip in a few times between the more forced versions.

From Ch. 1- "It was him, it was him," ... sounds very much like what a seven year old would sound like but, " We're still living ... but we're better off now that we have found you", sounds like it came from an adult.

In Ch. 4, the dialog between Sabrina and Sheba feel very natural, but when Sabrina speaks with Keno, she falls back into very proper English.

Dialog does not need to be written in proper grammar. It should, in fact, reflect the personality and education level of the person speaking it. Try reading your dialog aloud. If you could never imagine saying, or hearing, anyone speak like that, change it.

Another thing that could easily be improved are your descriptions. The scene where the girls are waiting for their mother and listening to the ticking of the rooster clock is very good, so I know you have it in you. Very often, you fall into the habit of telling instead on showing, or telling and showing. Showing should always be your first choice.

Here's what I mean: In Ch. 1 where the young girls are cruel to Sabrina by shoving bread in her mouth, you are showing us how mean they are. Then you show us that her aunt witnesses the abuse and does not stop it, while her uncle steps in and stops the abuse. Great job on that. But you add in the sentence, "When he realized that I was being emotionally abused, he stepped in."

That sentence is unnecessary for a number of reasons. First of all, it is telling. Second, you already showed us that he could see what was going on wasn't right and was the only one to step in. Also, since you are speaking about a seven year old, would she even recognize this as emotional abuse?

You also use the statements (or variations of), "dressed to kill," and "dressed to impress" numerous times. Cliches are always dangerous, and even more so when you use them repeatedly. And again, it is telling, not showing. If you describe what the characters are wearing (showing), the reader can come to that conclusion on their own.

Again, this story has the raw potential to be very moving. Give it the attention it deserves and don't let yourself get discouraged. Editing can be very rewarding, when you see the gem revealed with your efforts!

April Gray
The Illusion

jack hudson wrote 310 days ago

Patricia: Your book has a ring of truth about it. It is well written and interesting. keno is certainly a selfish young man who needs to grow up. Sabrina, on the other hand is a young woman in the process of growing up. Well done! jack hudson

Kerron Lee wrote 311 days ago

Dear Patricia:
You have the makings of a great story here. I do look forward to reading the other chapters.Much of what I would have suggested has already been said. I do hope you complete the story soon as I'm quite anxious to see where life takes the characters. With some editing you will have a winner with this story.

Elizabeth Kathleen wrote 320 days ago

Patricia I read all the book you have uploaded here. I'm so glad to see God took you through every hard thing you've had to live through. Life is hard sometimes, but God is always good. I'm glad your mother stuck up for you when things were confusing. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of you testimony of God's perfect deliverance in your life! I think chapter one's print has an uploading issue that will be easily resolved.
God bless!!!
Elizabeth Kathleen
"If Children Are Cheaper by the Dozen, Can I Get a Discount on Six?"

fatema wrote 387 days ago

A good story, kept the diary dated well, your writing is good.
There are self-ish people everywhere, do take advantage of people.
A deam every women have of aperfect family, in reality, how often?

Courage and strenght. Bring the rest of the story, the readers want to know.

kokako wrote 389 days ago


Hi Patricia,

This is an amazing story with a lot in it. You talk of Sabrina’s childhood growing up in poverty, the difficulties of living with a nasty aunt and cousins, the disillusions of a father who thinks money is the answer to everything, a fiancé who thinks of no-one but himself and others out to cheat and use her for their own ends - and yet the love of Sabrina’s mother shines through in this story right throughout every chapter, along with the inherent goodness of Sabrina herself. And I love Sheba. To have a friend like her is a true blessing. Sabrina’s life is filled with confusion and despair and heartbreak, yet there is also love - and the courage and strength to do what’s right.

Well done with this.

Sue

Diane60 wrote 397 days ago

Patricia,
this is a very personal and therefore moving story and i'm sure it was very difficult to put down on paper( or type out on a computer).
it speaks from the heart and is full of very raw emotions. i would suggest to leave it for a while and go back to each chapter one at a time and read it out loud and tweak it just a little bit to smooth out the rough edges.
:)
Diane

jlbwye wrote 402 days ago

Snatched from the Fire. Not sure what to make of your long pitch - I presume Amis and Sabrina are one and the same person, so I'm wondering why you speak of both, as if they're separate people.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I also tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind if I make a few pointers?

Ch.1. I bless the day when a reader from this site pointed out all the 'was's in my writing! If you do a search on yours, you'll see what I mean - and this is something which is so easily remedied, and makes such a difference to the flow of the story.

Other repetitions which you could search out and correct include: although, 'my sister Dana and I'.
And vague / unnecessary words tend to interrupt the flow of writing also. Words like: always, seemed (to be), began to, finally, abruptly, almost, just.

I wonder what was in those gifts brought by Sabrina's grandmother.

You convey well the excitement of the girls contacting their father, but you dont need to annotate every line of dialogue, and it's better to be sparing with your adverbs - all the '-ly' words - as they become tedious for the reader after a while.

Ch.2. You take me with you into the world of your youth, innocently delighting in the riches your father pours over you. Such a simple life, but I'msure there are trials ahead.

Your book will need editing, but I hope you will keep the refreshing sense of wonderment and innocence you have conveyed so far.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Lady Midnight wrote 404 days ago

A good opening chapter, with tight and focused characterisation and description. Just one nitpick, there seems to be a lot of shouting going on. For instance inside the cadilac and restraurant. If they're talking loudly due to nerves, then I suggest saying this as shouting can come across as being aggressive.

Lcamp wrote 404 days ago

Hello Patricia - I finally was able to get to your book from my watchlist. I read all your chapters. I was really getting into your story - are you going to put more of it on Authonomy? If so, please let me know.
What interesting contrasts your life has been through. To know a life of want and at the same time excess. But what I loved is how you explain that - want or excess, a parents love and time is really what we all craved at that age. That you came to that revelation at such a young age was fascinating to read.
I related to your Mother's faith, and though you don't mention it, I assume that it was her prayers that got you through the twists of life and although the last chapter is about your spiral into the devils's camp, I know those prayers are going to get you through.
Good luck on the success of your book. I highly starred it and would love to someday read the rest of the story after you get it published!
Blessings,
Lynn - "The Chair"

Lcamp wrote 404 days ago

Hello Patricia - I finally was able to get to your book from my watchlist. I read all your chapters. I was really getting into your story - are you going to put more of it on Authonomy? If so, please let me know.
What interesting contrasts your life has been through. To know a life of want and at the same time excess. But what I loved is how you explain that - want or excess, a parents love and time is really what we all craved at that age. That you came to that revelation at such a young age was fascinating to read.
I related to your Mother's faith, and though you don't mention it, I assume that it was her prayers that got you through the twists of life and although the last chapter is about your spiral into the devils's camp, I know those prayers are going to get you through.
Good luck on the success of your book. I highly starred it and would love to someday read the rest of the story after you get it published!
Blessings,
Lynn - "The Chair"

FrogBogs wrote 407 days ago

P.s. Thank you for the wonderful read!

FrogBogs wrote 407 days ago

Patricia,

I've just finished Chapter 1 of Snatched From the Fire and am really enjoying this fantastic read! Gladly BACKED and you will remain on my shelf until you reach the top 5! 6 stars as well!

FrogBogs

P.s. Scott Toney sent me your way and I'm extremely glad he did!

leeconnor wrote 409 days ago

Great story, Patricia. I can really sense how Sabrina feels through your narrative. She really is a great character. Not sure if someone's mentioned it already but it might be an idea to edit your first chapter document and upload it again as the font is two different sizes.

All the best and good luck with your book!

Lee :-)

patio wrote 415 days ago

inspirational story

patio wrote 415 days ago

inspirational story

philp4002 wrote 416 days ago

After a very descriptive opening, like a roller coaster, this book just gets better and better. With a bit of editing this book deserves to be on every bookshelf, apart from the HC review.

Tony Colina wrote 419 days ago

Hi Patricia,
the opening to your book is really beautiful. i'd call your writing lush and gorgeous (the exact opposite to my skin-and-bones style, I suppose :-D ). everything is lovingly and carefully, but not tediously, described and it makes the reader feel part of the scene. I hated the Gabriella-Carey pair as soon as they stepped on the scene. this to me means vividness and is no mean feat.
very, very good.

tony colina / OF RUST AND RAIN

J. Owen wrote 420 days ago

Patricia,

This a beautifully written and very engaging biography. You paint a really atmospheric and sincere picture. I especially like Mr. Barnes' car! Great dialogue and a good clean MS; didn't spot any typos.

My only suggestion would be; maybe consider reducing the chapter size, for online readers, by splitting them out a bit more.

6 stars from me, for a job well done!

Best,
J.

Dianna Lanser wrote 421 days ago

Patricia,

I enjoyed reading your book. It was very straight forward and told from the heart. As Sabrina's Father was giving her and her sister such wonderful attention, I couldn't help but feel a sense of dread, wondering if things were too good to be true. Then as I read further, it seemed just as I thought. I read as far as Keno and Sabrina were married.

Your writing is clean. You have a gift of using just the right words to that speak to the reader's soul. I believe your story will be an inspirations to many. Highly starred. May God bless your endeavors, Patricia.

Dianna Lanser

Cara Gold wrote 422 days ago

Patricia,

What a wonderful opening to your story! You set the scene well, I particularly love your vivid descriptions of the sights and smells – (especially the collard greens, fried chicken and pastries!) which pulls the reader in and makes them feel a part of it. The characters are likeable and well portrayed. You also have a mastery over dialogue, enabling us to feel like we are there in the scene, and enabling you to construct your characters in such a realistic way. Which of course is so important in this genre. But I have read a surprising number of biography type books which, although they might be real, certainly don’t feel like the reader can connect in any way… as if they are ‘distanced’ from the action.

There are many nice little touches riddled throughout; giving your work a certain charm of its own. I loved the ‘rooster clock’ ticking calmly away… The dream description was great too. And finally, the ending of chapter 1 with the wave imagery; simply beautiful. I wonder if maybe you could start ‘The waves represented a sense…’ on a new line/new para to add emphasis – because this is truly beautiful!

Shnoowie wrote 422 days ago

I do feel sorry for Sabrina; things do not seem to be straight forward and it seems like an emotional nightmare! I found it rather difficult to get into the first chapter, but once I was in I didn't want to get out! Looking forward to reading more when it arrives!

Johanna

fictionguy wrote 423 days ago

Why is the type so small? My eyes are not that great. However, aside from that I think it is a good first draft of a rememberance or memior. These usually do well in sales and it shoild dp well in sales.

Christine May wrote 423 days ago

A most touchiing story, I can relate to the feelings of the girls and their first encounter with their father.
Thank you for iviting me into your world, this is a book which I hope will be published.
Christine C. May
"Five Short Stories with a twist"

Eveleen wrote 424 days ago

It's well-written and worth backing.

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 424 days ago

Hi Patricia.
What a roller coaster life Sabrina is having, I hope it turns out well and settles down for her.
A very powerful and emotional story.
A couple of things to help you edit, that don't seem to have been mentioned yet:
Spell numbers rather than write digits.
In the final chapter a sentence is broken by a line break.
I think you're aware that your text size changes for no reason.
Your long pitch: The story is about Sabrina Matheson, you say 'At twelve, Amis meets her father'. You are writing as Sabrina so this should be 'Sabrina meets her father'.
With the editing sorted, you have a strong and very interesting story.
Best of luck. Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

Rob Lawrence wrote 424 days ago

Hi Patricia,
A very good basis for a story but, if I may be so bold, it would benefit greatly from a good edit. Several things struck me. In the opening section, there semmed an unnecessary number of 'Aunt Cary'. Perhaps you could look to reduce the number. She also always seemed to be screaming. Could you not look at ways of verying the description of her mode of speech? The description of Uncle Skinner is given at his second introduction into the story. Perhaps it may be better moved to when he first appears. I was also confused by the description of Aunt Cary's house being upstairs. I am just a poor Brit but I wouls have thought flat/apartment/condo etc would have been a more apt description.
As I said, the basis of a very good book but it needs some polishing. By the way, the hook to ch2 is absolutely wonderful.

RoyEarle93 wrote 424 days ago

I am struck by how powerfully you portray the emotions and the hurt felt by Sabrina. I was engaged from the start, this one is very vivid and very powerful. All and all, having read as far as the fifth chapter, I have to say this is an excellent story with great potential. I've put it on my watchlist and I've given you 6 stars. Great Job!

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

junetee wrote 424 days ago

Snatched from the fire is a well written biography. Such a vivid story.
Excellent dialogue.
A great job done of creating the characters and putting in words how they express their pain and emotion. 5 stars.

The font on chapter one - try re downloading after you change the word '7th' bithday to 'seventh' birthday, It happened to me the same.
Junetee(Four Corners)

Adeel wrote 425 days ago

The story is excellent with well written dialogues and the charachterization is vivid. Putting words to describe one's life has never been an easy thing and writing biography is very difficult task because you have to judge yourself not only through your own eyes but also through the eyes of others and have to give a balanced judgement. You have done all this very well and its because of the tone of the book that i am rating it as 6 star book and WL it for future backing. Best of luck Patricia.

Shadow The Writer wrote 425 days ago

your book is good

Sung4m wrote 427 days ago

Watchlisted and highly rated. Please check out my friend's novel, Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis by MDWS77.

Vic Flange wrote 427 days ago

Hi Patricia

It's a good read, but you can make it even better. I'm upto chapter 3 and I can see the story about to unfold now, but I think it needs to get moving a lot sooner. Although the writing is strong, the pace of the opening chapter is a tad cumbersome and I thought that the detailed treats from Mr Barnes in chapter 2 could have been condensed without losing the essense. Too many words are slowing things down. An edit will give the story more flow.
The short pitch also needs work as it doesn't SHOW anything, rather it just TELLS. These are merely my opinions, and don't detract from the fact that I enjoyed reading your work. Good luck. Richard.

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 429 days ago

Dear Patricia

I have read two and a half chapters of your life story Snatched From The Fire" this evening. What a life you have had! It almost reads like a fairy tale, though I can see clouds gathering on the horizon for you. It takes time to write about our lives, and what you have uploaded here gives us an excellent picture of your life at the time.

It would help you a lot if you gave your book a good edit - we all need to check spellings, speech marks, that sort of thing. I also felt you could take your time a bit more, with your narrative. There is no need to rush. Take your time to fill in the details of your life. They are bound to interest us, more than you realise.

All the best to you, Patricia.

Fran Macilvey :-))

Philthy wrote 429 days ago

Hi Patricia,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
Love the premise, but wonder if you ought to take out “This is a story” in your short pitch and just dive into it with more specifics. Might just be a personal preference, though.
The long pitch is well written, but kind of reads more as a synopsis. Might consider whittling down some of those details to keep it to just the hooks. Remember, your goal in the pitch is to lure the reader into opening the book, not to give all the details and back story. Save that for the novel itself.
Chapter 1
Don’t underestimate the significance of a first-line hook. This one is kind of ho-hum, to be honest.
Great imagery. Most authors exclude smells, which is so powerful.
The opening paragraph doesn’t say much. There’s a birthday party, but why should we read on? What’s the dilemma? What’s the circumstance that makes this birthday in particular worth writing about and more importantly worth reading about?
Careful about excessive wordiness. For instance, “Well, Aunt Carey was in her early forties…” You could do without the “Well”
The dialogue is strong, but “stated Aunt Carey”…”stated” is too formal for this particular situation. “said” works just fine, I think. Same with “exclaimed.” You don’t always have to pick an alternative word here. Sometimes overthinking that part can be a distraction to the excellent dialogue in place.
If the first couple chapters are indicative of anything it’s that you have a captivating story that should draw the reader in. My biggest suggestions are to continue polishing the prose, especially for wordiness (tightening parts will go far in making your story pop), and improve the placement of your hooks. The storyline is enthralling, but it takes a while to get into. Focus on dangling that carrot in front of your reader earlier on to lure them into reader on.
Great stuff. I can see this doing well here as you continue to polish it.
Best of luck,
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

billy.mcbride wrote 430 days ago

Dear Patricia,

I found in your work much characterization that really seemed alive and with depth. I also enjoyed the serious tone which you use as well as the vividness of the story. There is a wide range of many different kinds of emotions which your characters have and having so it balances the story very well. The small font however makes some of it hard to read. You can fix it easily. Just select it on Word and make it above 14pt. Thanks for sharing your work. Billy M.

Maria Constantine wrote 431 days ago

Patricia, what has impressed me most is the way you convey the pain and emotions felt by Sabrina. From the outset I am struck by the emotional abuse suffered by Sabrina in the hands of her aunt and cousins eg Gabrielle stuffing bread into young Sabrina's mouth and taunting her because she is always hungry. There is detail in your writing which allows the reader to become engaged in the story and even though it was a bit difficult to read because of the small font, I perservered and was rewarded.
Highly starred
Maria (Georgina's Family)

Warrick Mayes wrote 433 days ago

Patricia,

I read some of the first chapter.
Your story is enthralling but I think your narrative needs a little work. There is a tendancy for you to use the same word over and again. The flow and the feel can be improved if you vary your choice of words.

I've got some examples of what I found:

"Although Aunt Carey’s kids were older....although they didn’t feel the same way." The repetition of "although" feels weak. I would swap the second for "but" or even "though".

Look at this: "Aunt Carey’s kids seemed to be having a great time.......They seemed to be enjoying the motions of...This gathering did not seem like my birthday party. It began to feel more like an invasion." Lots of "seem". How about "Aunt Carey’s kids seemed to be having a great time.......They were enjoying the motions of...This gathering did not feel like my birthday party, it was more like an invasion." Because I had already used "feel" I chopped out the next one and joined the sentences.

One typo and a repetition of the phrase "had on" - "She had on a red flare shirt and a matching blouse. The wooden clogs that she had on accentuated..." I think you meant a red flare SKIRT. Try this: "She wore a red flare skirt and a matching blouse. The wooden clogs on her feet accentuated..."

You also have a sentence that feels very clunky "By the look on my mother’s face.......so I thought." The bit in the middle is fine, but I don't think you need the first AND the last. I would go with just the first as this tells the reader why you had the thoughts, and chop off the last three words.

Best wishes
Warrick

Lourdes wrote 442 days ago

Dear Patricia,
What stuck in my mind of the three chapters i read, was your excitement at meeting your daddy for the first time.
You are a wonderful writer. Your characters are vivid and your narrative concise, but although i believe this premise has good potential, it needs some editing.
Just small little things that interrupt the story's flow, such as:
"As they were approaching the apartment."
As they approached, or, as they approached the apartment, would sound better (IMHO).
Also, the word "that" is overused many times. Some examples:
"This was, in fact, the first time (that) i went on a genuine date."
"I could not help but notice the neighborhoods (that) we passed."
In these two instances, the word "that" is not necessary and becomes a hesitant point for the reader. You want your story to flow smoothly, and eliminating a few "weeds" could help.
Keep writing and don't give up. lots of stars from me and a space on my shelt as soon as i can.
Maria xo

Davidmauriceware wrote 445 days ago

Hey Patricia, excellent story so far, very well written dialogue. I actually was upset when I read the fifth chapter and there wasn't anymore. LOL This is one of the few books here on Authonomy that I have actually finished all that was posted. I could relate to many of the characters in this book. Keno's mother and her usery of people reminded me of a specific person in my family. The only error I saw was in chapter 5 . The font became smaller. I will support this book by placing it up on my shelf tommorow. After I make space. Is this book completed?

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