Space Games

Why don’t we have more books like Space Games on the shelves at the bookstore? There are a lot of people like me who peruse the shelves all the time, hoping for something different. To this group, a book like Space Games would be a godsend.

Call it a thinking man’s science fiction story if you want. It’s a thoroughly modern tale that shows where our collective obsession with all things reality TV may one day lead us. It’s nice how author Dean Lombardo uses real science as a basis for everything in the story, so it’s not like the world we are experiencing through the game show’s contestants is that much different from today. There are nice little touches like Robin Miller’s feet getting far to big for her shoes in the zero gravity environment, and the artificial intelligence coaches that know everything that goes on at the station. Also, the space station itself where the games take place is fairly cramped. It’s nice that we didn’t suddenly jump to the Starship Enterprise. Space Games could actually take place in the not too distant future.

The dialog and characterization are both strong here, which is unfortunately unusual for sci-fi. We know who the contestants are and we get to see some of the motives of Hollywood producer Sheldon Zimmer as well. It’s also nice that Miller and the other contestant “Big Joe” O’Donnell don’t like each other. I think there may be a romantic angle at some point, but don’t want to speculate too much. If so, it would just be icing on the cake.

Space Games is an enjoyable read that hits the target audience of older sci-fi readers squarely on the head. I see no reason why it could not rise to the top of the charts for that group once finished and published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Dean

I read David F Norman's review and had to take a peak. To be honest, I've never read anything like this before - (and despite this being the sort of thing I wouldn't normally read) - I found it incredibly exciting and easy to follow... and visualise your characters - ie The drunken Russian cosmonauts on the vodka, sexy Robin - I think if I was to start reading this (paperback form and not a blearing screen) I would have this read in one sitting.
You are certainly talented and I sincerely hope you are published.
AJB

This is fucking crazy. In a totally awesome way, of course. I'm in love with the concept, and this is written so well-- the first few chapters probably should've been boring, but they really weren't. Even though you tell first chunk of story from the perspective of the director and the assistant, we learn so much about the contestants before we even get to read from their POV. My opinions were constantly changing about them, and about the director and the assistant; they all have their flaws and strengths and you've put it together so well. I'd go from liking Robin and thinking Joe was a chauvinistic male pig to feeling sorry for Joe and thinking that Robin was a crazy bitch. This entire thing so far as been like watching two freight trains rocket toward each other at high speed and even though you know they're going to crash and it's going to be messy, you can't help but watch. It's fantastic.

I just rearranged my shelf, but I'm going to see if I can't give you some space. You deserve it. Great stuff!

xx Jasmine

Five out of six stars. Star Games is the best thing I have read on Authonomy, so far. Unique concept, excellent characters and dialogue, and publishable as is (just add formatting).

There are only two reasons why I didn't give it six stars.

1) The degree of conflict : I found the animosity just a little over the top, and the graphic violence sometimes crossed into gratuitous territory - UFC fans will probably lap this up but, even in zero G I found it hard to suspend the belief the NASA would let things go that far.

2) At the end of chapter 23 I was left standing at the altar - I know it's common practice to upload incompletes but any author that wants all of the stars will have to give me all of the book.

Still, very highly recommended. If you want to know how to write a fast paced novel, read this one.

I read your first three chapters, and I have to say that this is pure class. It's one of the most enjoyable reads I've encountered on Authonomy so far.

You're building up a lot of suspense, nothing is overwritten or redundant, and your writing style is extremely effective.

I'd just like to offer a few little criticisms:

Chapter 1:

“Or maybe, it was the natural beauty of her, the slender physicality.”
You don’t need the comma after ‘maybe’ unless you want the word to be an aside, in which case it needs a comma before it as well. I would leave the commas out though, as I think the sentence would be smoother without.

“Her overheated panting as she continued to jog in place.”
This is not a complete sentence. I would therefore either attach it to the previous sentence after a comma or reword it, e.g. ‘Overheated, she panted as she continued to jog in place’. It can sometimes be acceptable to use incomplete sentences, but only if it adds something to the paragraph. I think a complete sentence would have the same affect here as your incomplete one, and so would be preferable.


Chapter 2:

“A virile young man. A Venus-like hellcat. Competing against each other in the cramped, weightlessness of outer space.”
No comma is required after ‘cramped’.

“There was a short but rich history of violence in outer space, something shrunken NASA didn’t care to confirm or discuss.”
Your punctuation here suggests that NASA is shrunken. I assume that this isn’t what you mean. If it is, you will need to elaborate. If not, this sentence requires some editing. Perhaps replace ‘something shrunken’ with ‘a history that’.


Again, this is fantastic work, and I wish you the best of luck with it. You've certainly earned your place on my shelf.

Great idea. The Running Man and Hunger Games are reinvented and given a fresh perspective. Cool concept and violent.

Think you'll love my sci-fi novel.

Stephen James
Millennium Zero G

Dean. This is very clever writing indeed. I couldnt even imagine where this came from in the depths of your mind. You have certainly done yourself proud with what I can only describe as a magical example of cracking writing. So well done. A descriptive voice that is so clever at drawing the reader in, a smashing flow and a great pace that not only suits this genre but also this story. Well done and I score this high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you??
Many thanks. Sean

What an interesting book! I love science fiction with a passion and this book as certainly caught my attention, I will for sure be reading what you have so far tonight! I cant wait to see how these games are played out! From what i can see you are certainly talented!

Keep up the great work!

Thomas

I've only read the first chapter so far, but I have a good feeling that this is the type of thing the Hunger Games should have been. Less hiding in corners, more in your face, deadly, violent, action. Thanks for keying me in to the existence of this gem. I'll be back to check out more soon.

I'm pretty much just here to read, don't consider myself much of a critic. Enjoy reading books that I might not otherwise get to read or that I can get to before any one else. I have to say this is a great book! I really enjoy it.

The writing is good and the flow is easy. Looks like you done a good job editing. Not too many extra words. I only read up to chapter three but didn't feel like I knew the characters. Maybe a little more on them (unless, I just didn't get to it yet.) The idea of course isn't new and of course when seeing your premise Hunger Games is brought to mind. I don't know, also seems predictable. That is if Robin and Joe end up having an affair or getting together . . .

Good job. Many stars.

Abby

The writing is good and the flow is easy. Looks like you done a good job editing. Not too many extra words. I only read up to chapter three but didn't feel like I knew the characters. Maybe a little more on them (unless, I just didn't get to it yet.) The idea of course isn't new and of course when seeing your premise Hunger Games is brought to mind. I don't know, also seems predictable. That is if Robin and Joe end up having an affair or getting together . . .

Good job. Many stars.

Abby

Why don’t we have more books like Space Games on the shelves at the bookstore? There are a lot of people like me who peruse the shelves all the time, hoping for something different. To this group, a book like Space Games would be a godsend.

Call it a thinking man’s science fiction story if you want. It’s a thoroughly modern tale that shows where our collective obsession with all things reality TV may one day lead us. It’s nice how author Dean Lombardo uses real science as a basis for everything in the story, so it’s not like the world we are experiencing through the game show’s contestants is that much different from today. There are nice little touches like Robin Miller’s feet getting far to big for her shoes in the zero gravity environment, and the artificial intelligence coaches that know everything that goes on at the station. Also, the space station itself where the games take place is fairly cramped. It’s nice that we didn’t suddenly jump to the Starship Enterprise. Space Games could actually take place in the not too distant future.

The dialog and characterization are both strong here, which is unfortunately unusual for sci-fi. We know who the contestants are and we get to see some of the motives of Hollywood producer Sheldon Zimmer as well. It’s also nice that Miller and the other contestant “Big Joe” O’Donnell don’t like each other. I think there may be a romantic angle at some point, but don’t want to speculate too much. If so, it would just be icing on the cake.

Space Games is an enjoyable read that hits the target audience of older sci-fi readers squarely on the head. I see no reason why it could not rise to the top of the charts for that group once finished and published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Thanks again. You helped me catch a technical error that only someone who is not close to the work would have spotted. I misinterpreted the physics after studying the Voskhod 2 incident, all of which caused me to make this embarrassing but fixable technical error. I owe you a lot for your honesty. ~ Dean

BHCG
Peek, not peak, just before I forget about it. This is a well-written story. I read it start to finish. There were few technical errors that I noticed, but I didn't get the hurricane/airlock thing. If the airlock is open to space, the pressure inside and outside would be the same.

Why would a big tough man like Joe shriek several times? That is out of character.

While definitely well-written, this is a truly ugly story. The violence contained in it could only be described as gratuitous, the multiple rapes distasteful and disgusting. I believe the book could only be classified as Science Fiction/Horror/Sleaze/Pulp. Unless standards of publishing drop below, way below, what they are now, I cannot imagine a publisher touching this with a ten-foot pole. The few really prurient passages in the story, in my opinion, leave the reader feeling dirty as the story progresses for having enjoyed them. I can't think of a single soul I would recommend this book to.

Dean, you are definitely a very good writer -- perhaps sicker than Stephen King -- but very good. I believe you have wasted your talents on this story. I really would like to read some more of your work, but this one would gag Quentin Tarantino.

I don't really read for typos, but rather structure. Any half-assed editor can fix typos easily. We overlook many of them ourselves for whatever reason we put them there in the first place. Please keep writing, and if this doesn't piss you off too much, I would appreciate a critical read, if not, that is okay too.

Dean,

I've read your first four authonomy chapters (six using your embedded headings). Space Games is a novel idea (no pun intended!) that is well written and presented. I must confess that it's a little too people oriented for my liking - I was hoping for stronger sci-fi aspects, but that's a personal preference and it is a good book nonetheless. Would it be possible to introduce a short dramatic incident from later in the story to use as a prologue? That way you could draw in readers who might falter through the people oriented story that develops at present...

Anyway, I do think this has that professional stamp to it and I've given you high stars and will find a slot on my bookshelf for you at some point (long list of commitments just now but you will get a slot, I promise!)

Looking forward to your views on Horizons and if you like it I'd be honoured if you star/back it as you feel appropriate!

Regards,

Robert

Hi Ted,
I've been thinking about your valid comments a lot lately, and while I generally agree with your comments toward most books, "Space Games" is not that kind of novel where we have one wholesome, sympathetic character we all root for. This is more a "Natural Born Killers" type of story, with society cheering for, even glamorizing, a pair of violent lunatics. There are plenty of other characters, aside from the main two combatants, for whom we can root.

Chapter 3: We're back to the good stuff, building a little more onto chapter 1. If I have any concern here, it's that Joe and Robin both seem so unlikeable so far. Maybe that changes, but it seems like pure wrestlemania caveman stuff between them, and we don't get to see any depth of character for them. That's not to say it's wrong right now; it just means I'm having trouble relating to them so far, so I'm looking forward to them actually showing up in person in the story.

This is not my usual genre, but I have really enjoyed what I have read so far. It's very well written and I need to find more time for continued reading...

Thank you! I have just shortened Chapter 4 to get you to the contestants more quickly.

This very good. I am fast reader and I fly through your short sentences and quick diolog while picturing charactors and what is happening. Robin is babe and Joe is the big buffoon : O Hasan only suggestion is to have there battle begin a little faster. I hope to see the space games on tv or as movie someday soon.

This very good. I am fast reader and I fly through your short sentences and quick diolog while picturing charactors and what is happening. Robin is babe and Joe is the big buffoon : O Hasan only suggestion is to have there battle begin a little faster. I hope to see the space games on tv or as movie someday soon.

I actually really love this. I've only read the first chapter, but my interest is caught and I know right now I'll be reading the rest. I really like the way there was no real introduction, no dry beginning paragraph to skim through--instead, you learn from the dialogue of Morty and Shel. Totally caught me. Awesome!

On my shelf. :)

Shannon

I was interested in giving this a read, because my book, Lunar Dance, also features a TV reality show, but only as a sub-plot, not as the main theme. Reading Space Games, I lasted until the mention of artificial gravity in chapter 10, and then I had to call a violation of Robert's Rules and quit. My overall impression is as follows: A well crafted tale with very few noticable issues or errors. The occasional em dash where a colon should have been used (list enumeration, for example) and a few minor punctuation errors, but certainly no worse and possible a bit better than my own ability to punctuate. It plays a little too fast and loose with the technical details for my taste, but I certainly recognize the appeal and marketability of the work, even if it doesn't really push my buttons. A very good effort overall, and probably ready for a trip to the editor's desk; they know much better than I whether this would sell or not. I believe I'll give it five stars. I think my final thought is that I really feel that this would be a much better screenplay than a novel. This story cries out to be seen rather than read. Instead of publishing it, have you considered trying to market it as a film script?

I read some of your book.
I have to say this is very imaginative and different idea for a book.
Other than the swearing, I thought that the writing was very well. The images are vivid, the imagination good, and the plot new.
The flow and development are also well paced.
The pitch and cover are very good and add a lot to this.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

What they're saying about "Space Games":

"SICKER THAN STEPHEN KING!!!"
"WOULD GAG QUENTIN TARANTINO!!!"

BHCG
Peek, not peak, just before I forget about it. This is a well-written story. I read it start to finish. There were few technical errors that I noticed, but I didn't get the hurricane/airlock thing. If the airlock is open to space, the pressure inside and outside would be the same.

Why would a big tough man like Joe shriek several times? That is out of character.

While definitely well-written, this is a truly ugly story. The violence contained in it could only be described as gratuitous, the multiple rapes distasteful and disgusting. I believe the book could only be classified as Science Fiction/Horror/Sleaze/Pulp. Unless standards of publishing drop below, way below, what they are now, I cannot imagine a publisher touching this with a ten-foot pole. The few really prurient passages in the story, in my opinion, leave the reader feeling dirty as the story progresses for having enjoyed them. I can't think of a single soul I would recommend this book to.

Dean, you are definitely a very good writer -- perhaps sicker than Stephen King -- but very good. I believe you have wasted your talents on this story. I really would like to read some more of your work, but this one would gag Quentin Tarantino.

I don't really read for typos, but rather structure. Any half-assed editor can fix typos easily. We overlook many of them ourselves for whatever reason we put them there in the first place. Please keep writing, and if this doesn't piss you off too much, I would appreciate a critical read, if not, that is okay too.

Dean

I read David F Norman's review and had to take a peak. To be honest, I've never read anything like this before - (and despite this being the sort of thing I wouldn't normally read) - I found it incredibly exciting and easy to follow... and visualise your characters - ie The drunken Russian cosmonauts on the vodka, sexy Robin - I think if I was to start reading this (paperback form and not a blearing screen) I would have this read in one sitting.
You are certainly talented and I sincerely hope you are published.
AJB

BHCG
Peek, not peak, just before I forget about it. This is a well-written story. I read it start to finish. There were few technical errors that I noticed, but I didn't get the hurricane/airlock thing. If the airlock is open to space, the pressure inside and outside would be the same.

Why would a big tough man like Joe shriek several times? That is out of character.

While definitely well-written, this is a truly ugly story. The violence contained in it could only be described as gratuitous, the multiple rapes distasteful and disgusting. I believe the book could only be classified as Science Fiction/Horror/Sleaze/Pulp. Unless standards of publishing drop below, way below, what they are now, I cannot imagine a publisher touching this with a ten-foot pole. The few really prurient passages in the story, in my opinion, leave the reader feeling dirty as the story progresses for having enjoyed them. I can't think of a single soul I would recommend this book to.

Dean, you are definitely a very good writer -- perhaps sicker than Stephen King -- but very good. I believe you have wasted your talents on this story. I really would like to read some more of your work, but this one would gag Quentin Tarantino.

I don't really read for typos, but rather structure. Any half-assed editor can fix typos easily. We overlook many of them ourselves for whatever reason we put them there in the first place. Please keep writing, and if this doesn't piss you off too much, I would appreciate a critical read, if not, that is okay too.

{Space Games} – Dean Lombardo

I returned for another three chapters, and loved it! Thanks for a great read to start the day :)

Chapters 4 to 6… the lead up to lift-off. I liked the insights we get into the characters as they finish their training, and you leave some hints about the tension to come – particularly in chapter four by revealing that Robin has the sadistic personality disorder. I’m excited to see how this is going to impact the competition.

Below are some more notes I’ve made for you! In chapter 5, I just pointed out some instances where I think you could delve a little deeper into Robin’s character, flesh her out a bit more, and this might broaden your readership especially in terms of a female audience. Nevertheless, very enjoyable, the story is ripping along at great speed! So pleased to see you rising up the charts my friend, this is a terrific story!

Cara
------

*Chapter 4
I’d say ‘Zimmer frowned, tapping his Cuban.’ To vary up the ‘ed’ verbs.

I’d say ‘Zimmer took a final puff, then extinguished the cigar in the ashtray at his feet.’ To vary the vocab

Perhaps; ‘Frowning, Banks folded his arms.’ Varies the ‘ed’ verb and also sentence structure (from ‘Kwan continued/Banks folded/Kwan pushed/Banks sighed)

*Chapter 5

I’d sentence split and slight reword; ‘Over time, however, NASA had grown increasingly lenient with its recruits. Now most of them were already seasoned Air Force,….’
-- also just a thought; this is slightly ambiguous. At first I thought that NASA had lowered their standards of recruitment, then I realized you were talking about they no longer had to train them as full on, because they are actually getting tougher with their admissions criteria (in recruiting the seasoned Air Force…etc..) Perhaps clarify? The next part with the civilian trainees then seems to offer a conflicting viewpoint. I’m not sure, who are there more of?

I’d say ‘Then she tensed her arms and legs, just as the manual had instructed.’ → eliminated the first comma after ‘then’ because I felt it broke up sentence flow. Also the ‘her’ before legs, avoids repetition. ‘instructed’ more imaginative than ‘said??

I’d say; ‘She tried to swallow, but her constricted throat, gurgling with hot bile, wouldn’t allow it.’ → change place of ‘constricted’, smoother now?

‘and in a gurgling voice’ → ‘gurgling’ is repeated from above – perhaps vary vocab?

*just a point, in this section, perhaps a little more development of Robin’s thoughts and feelings might help to position the reader more inside her head. A few personalized similes, maybe? So we learn a bit more about her? If you brought in a few details about her life, perhaps the last time she felt anywhere near as bad… etc..

*Robin’s name is used quite a bit – I’d replace some of them with ‘she’, will also create a more personal feel. We know you’re talking about Robin as she is the main subject here

perhaps “I’m so fucking dizzy,” she groaned. → ‘groaned’ conveys more of her feeling than ‘said’

‘like she’d drunk way too much’ → this is good, more personal, and a point you could expand further; e.g. like at such and such party where something had happened…

I’d say; ‘Robin broke free… stumbled forward. Falling to her knees, she planted her palms shoulder-width apart.’

*When Robin is throwing up, I’d have some more thoughts – about how disgusting it is. Perhaps have her think about what some bimbo friend she has would think of her if she saw her right now. Thoughts?

**Okay, into Joe’s head now! I think you develop his character in this scene much better than you did with Robin – for instance his first thought about not puking, as that would be a sign of weakness. Good stuff!

*Chapter 6

I’d remove the ‘who were fully suited’, it sort of interrupts sentence flow imo and it’s kind of implicit that they would all be geared up, right??

A pretty polished chapter!

Hello Dean,

I saw in some thread the other day that you had my book on your read list (thank you). So I thought I'd get the drop on you. Kapow! Take...er...this!

I read your first six chapters. I actually don't have much to offer in the way of criticism, particularly concerning the writing style. Usually it's only when the prose is overly flowery that I find myself reaching for the secateurs. There were no such issues here. You recount the events in a pleasingly straightforward manner, making for a pleasurable and nippy read.

I couldn't find much to fault in the plot either but, just to play Devils Advocate, I listed a couple of points in the hope of saying something vaguely constructive. As a disclaimer I should add that neither of these bother me greatly, or at all, really:

"The War of the Roses". You referred to this film twice. I'm not one of those people who get a bit snooty about pop cultural references in fiction, but I would hardly consider this film a seminal text. Not now, and (I would imagine) particularly not in 2034. I could be wrong, but the repeated callbacks to it made me think you had "the War of the Roses in space" in your head as your elevator pitch and felt the need to spell it out explicitly for the reader. But I didn't need it, personally, I'm happy to trust you to generate your own imagery as a writer, without evoking the memory of others.

I don't even know if the above paragraph makes any sense. Next point:

I felt that Zimmers flagrant disregard for the psych-evaluations of the contestants strained credibility somewhat. I know that, over here, participants in reality programmes have to be rigorously screened just to enter a HOUSE. So I would think the criteria for going into SPACE would be a little more stringent. But, it's 2034, I can accept that things are a little more venal.

Sorry, someone just rang up and I have to go out now, but I was about done anyway. In summary - a well rendered, well-paced read. Not really my type of thing, but I enjoyed what I read nonetheless. Oh, I meant to say something about the lack of political correctness too - I liked that. Rushing a bit now, sorry, got to get ready, highly starred, best of luck with it, bye!

Dave

[A BHCG review]

Space Games
Dean Lombardo

Video of running woman, being watched by Sheldon Zimmer and his assistant, in LA.

I have to guess that Robin Miller is the runner, but it's a guess.

Morty (Friedman) I guess is the assistant?

Ah, it's a submission tape to be on the Space Games show.

Zimmer is director/producer of the show.

pinching his lip...his BOTTOM lip? TOP lip? What's this action say?

Kat Turner...an angry contestant

How are "mental" strains different from "emotional" strains?

Of WHAT?

"But without some conflict" -- I don't know what this means

NASA consultants are involved in a TV show? And then their advice is rejected? Huh?

Big Joe O'Donnell -- guy R Miller will be teamed with...

How do we know the bar is 30 pounds? For that matter, can we see the numbers on the weights in the video? Or can they tell from the size?

"I work out with two-fifty..." huh?

Asshole. (This is Morty thinking?)

He CONFESSED to doing well with ladies?

Final Thoughts: So we have a couple guys doing a reality TV show and the characters picked out. The characters are expected to clash, making good TV.



Chapter 2:


The audition video wouldn't be good enough quality to use in the show, maybe?

former NASA astronaut and NOW astronaut-for-hire?

The battle over the woman in space is hard to believe. Astronauts are not so out of control.

He only jammed his tongue down her throat?

Ah, the American came to the rescue!

Zimmer wants order? I thought he wanted chaos?

Ah, only to a point.


Final Thoughts; Not much happens here. This could have been in the first chapter, I think.

"Because it's my last day," -- what's this mean?


Chapter 3:

Again, nothing much happens. What's the purpose of the chapter?


STOPPED READING

Chapter 3: We're back to the good stuff, building a little more onto chapter 1. If I have any concern here, it's that Joe and Robin both seem so unlikeable so far. Maybe that changes, but it seems like pure wrestlemania caveman stuff between them, and we don't get to see any depth of character for them. That's not to say it's wrong right now; it just means I'm having trouble relating to them so far, so I'm looking forward to them actually showing up in person in the story.

Chapter 2: This chapter turns to exposition, and the old standard debates about when it can be good or not. So, this is just my opinon, for what it's worth. I think we don't really need to know this stuff yet. We are already intrigued by the setup in chapter 1, so I think it would be perfect to keep right on drawing us in without the need for the exposition. We can unravel the mysteries behind the show at appropriate moments during the coming chapters, such as when the contestants are heading into space and upon their arrival.

Chapter 1: I can see this selling; it's a great concept that hits one of society's current sweet spots. It instantly reminded me of Survivor but in space, though of course I don't yet know the details of the competition. It's well edited, giving me almost nothing to nitpick (such as, I have seen people use 'OK' in novels, but I myself prefer to spell it out as 'okay'; that's pretty great for my nitpicks to get that tiny!). I love that it's near future also, as that's my preference in sci-fi, so I'll be curious to see how you deal with evolving technologies. There's almost nothing for me to criticize so far. If you held a gun to my head and forced me to say something, I'd mention that the pacing is the same all the way through; there's nothing wrong with that at all in one chapter, though, so the thought is only in my head to keep it in mind as I read further to ensure that it does vary at some point and not maintain the same pace throughout. Nice start.

Hey, Cara recommended this to me and I'm glad I stopped by for a read! Great idea and well executed. I could also imagine this as a movie! Six stars and backed

Nat

Space Games is good

Hi Dean,

I finished reading Space Games! And again, I don't have much to say that hasn't been said already. The pacing and dialogue are spot-on, creating an immersive and exciting reading experience that snowballs into a tense page-turner (or scroll-downer) as things go to hell. This book isn't for the faint of heart for sure, and like with Vespa, you as a writer certainly aren't afraid to upset your audience. I think that's one of the book's strengths - that it fiercely barrels through the events in a merciless fashion. Even though the ending was expected, it was nevertheless thrilling to read about and quite well-executed. Poor Vince...

Best of luck with this!

Cheers,
M.

When I read your pitch, I'll admit I was reminded of Hunger Games (mind you, I've never read the book or seen the movie, just going off of trailers and such). However, as I began reading, I think it has it's own voice. It's sort of like an MTV spinoff of a game show. Even being Sci-fi, I found this easy to get in to (which is not usual for me). Zimmer is the usual director-type (or at least how they are protrayed) and the contestants are interesting in their own ways. I immediately related to Robin, even though I'm not as athletic as I once was, the moment she said she turned down her trip to go in space and kick some guy's ass haha! Highly starred and added to my shelf!

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror

Hi Dean,

If this workday were any slower, it'd be going backward and I'd be back in Beijing. Hence, I read through Autho Chapter 19. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on what kind of feedback you were looking for, I don't really have much to say that hasn't been said already.

I see below that Wanttobeawriter mentioned "The Hunger Games." I think that's a great comparison - "Space Games" reads like a grown-up version of that book in that it's a fast-paced, straightforward read that leaves you wanting to know what happens next. And it's a fascinating glimpse into what could happen someday. Actually, it's better because there's no whiny teenage narrator. This is one of those books that's easy to fly through, full of excitement and action. The realistic dialogue, tight writing - all this makes for great entertainment.

I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again anyway: this is a very visual book, written almost cinematically. It was easy to "see" what's going on while I was reading, and "hear" the characters' distinctive voices in my head. The only thing I would suggest would be more physical descriptions of the characters, especially Joe and Zimmer. Robin's easier to visualize, but we know nothing about Zimmer's appearance other than that he's old, and not much of Joe's other than that he's big. Sometimes it doesn't matter exactly what a character looks like, but since this book relies so heavily on "visual" sequences, the blanks become more noticeable. Especially since there are so many opportunities to describe Robin and Joe, the subjects of this voyeuristic form of entertainment.

Another thing I noticed was that the interactions between Morty and Zimmer get a bit repetitive. It opens with Zimmer arrogantly dismissing any perceived dangers and Morty fretting about it. Then, variations of this same scene continue to be interspersed throughout the Games. It felt kind of like reading the same thing over and over - we get it: things are getting nasty, Zimmer thinks it's awesome, Morty is a worrywart. Perhaps some variation in the attitudes would help - if Morty struggles between wanting an awesome show but fretting about regulations, if Zimmer starts to worry but allows his ambition to override his concerns. I also don't think all the Morty/Zimmer scenes are necessary - why not just let us watch Robin and Joe go at each other?

I think the "War of the Roses" comparison is a bit odd - wasn't that a war between two families over a throne? Also, readers of genre fiction aren't always well-informed about medieval British history, so the comparison might be lost on them.

One last thing - I know you said you've toyed with the idea of changing the title, but I think it's fine as is. "Space Games" has a snappy ring to it and suits the premise perfectly. "Space Arena" isn't nearly as catchy and doesn't capture the entertainment aspect of the story.

Anyway, I know there's an audience out there for this kind of book, and I'm sure it'll go far. Will comment again soon!

Cheers,
M.

SPACE GAMES
First we had hunger games. This book takes it a step further to Space Games. I like the way this begins with the video tape Robin had to submit to be a contestant. Makes this feel like a reality show in space. I think the training chapters are well done. Overall, just a well written book. I’m starring it and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

SF42

Hi Dean,

I tried to take a look at your book some time ago, but for some reason Authonomy kept kicking me out. So I thought I’d have another go now, and this time I managed to view it. I hope the following comments are of some use to you.

Ch 1

1) Robin Miller
This doesn’t always apply anymore, but the spelling of ‘Robin’ used to indicate the gender of the person – ‘Robin’ was male; and ‘Robyn’ was female. For some people, your female being ‘Robin’ might be confusing.

2) I’m not sure why, but for some reason I got the impression that Zimmer didn’t want to take on Robin Miller, while Morty did – right up until Morty said he voted against her. I was finding the dialogue confusing as a result. This is probably just me and I can’t even pinpoint any one specific comment that gave me that impression, but for some reason I had their attitudes reversed.

Ch 2

1) ‘forty-eight hours distance’
should be ‘forty-eight hours’ distance’

2) ‘No one but former…’
Who would be filming it? Wouldn’t there be a whole TV crew with them?

3) ‘which, at the time, was supposed to have led in a wave of live commercial entertainment’
I’m not quite sure what this sentence is meant to be saying. Do you mean, ‘was supposed to have resulted in a wave of live commercial entertainment’ or ‘was supposed to have led a wave of live commercial entertainment’?

4) ‘Other missions had experienced…’
I had a bit of time orienting myself in time with respect to this paragraph. It might be worth starting off by saying, ‘Other, later, missions had experienced…’

5) ‘Other incidents were exaggerated’
I think this is the sentence I found confusing, as it seemed to suggest (to me at least) that the final incident was the one with the Russians. It also seems somehow contradictory - due to the ‘for sure’ coming straight after ‘exaggerated’, I think. I also wonder if ‘exaggerated’ is the best word to use here. You could say, ‘Other incidents were ‘reported’ (or ‘whispered about’ or ‘experienced’ or something) and leave the ‘for sure’ or you could leave ‘exaggerated’ (though I don’t think it makes sense with ‘other’ as you haven’t said that either of the two incidents you’ve described was exaggerated) and remove ‘for sure’. Actually, to be honest – and this is just my opinion, of course – I would change ‘exaggerated’ and remove ‘for sure’. I think it would flow better without it.

6) ‘following one, serious injury, the’
remove comma

Great bit of background.

Ch 3

1) ‘flushed, from the alcohol’
remove comma

Ch 4

1) ‘like she’d drank too much’
‘drank’ should be ‘drunk’

2) ‘let’s all go take a break, wash up if we need to’
This might be better as, ‘let’s all go take a break. Wash up if you need to’, as the ‘don’t eat anything’ sounds odd, even if he’s using the royal ‘we’ here.

3) ‘after they’d swam’
‘swam’ should be ‘swum’

Ch 5

1) ‘the arm consoles, squeezed’
either put a semi-colon after ‘consoles’ or change ‘squeezed’ to ‘squeezing’

2) ‘Try not to use three per visit’
Sorry. For about a week every month women have to use more than that. Has that been allowed for?


This is a great story, Dean. Very compelling. I kept saying I’d read just one more chapter, but at the end of each chapter I’d move on to the next one, just to find out what would happen next. That’s the sign of a good book.

Sue

Dean,
Red-hot characters (Robin in particular), sizzling action, suffocating tension, and some dark comedy, all in an easy read. Let me know when you upload more. I enjoyed this.
joboxer.

Dean, you've got a distinct voice, interesting plot, and captivating characters. The pace is super fast, quite suitable for this genre. Great dialogue, flowed really well. You've got good descriptions. When you talked about quarantining the astronauts at Kennedy Space Center, having visited there several times, it was easy to visualiith your descriptions. Well edited overall, only spotted a couple minor things that I didn't note but one I recall (I think it's in chapter 3 "Man, is she's pissed at us.") For a genre that is not typical for me, I enjoyed reading :)
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Dean

Read four chapters so far and like what I have read. The pacing is fast, the writing is perfectly weighted for the story, and there is little too fault so far. I do have a couple of minor comments that may help and one concern.

Ponytail - I often have one - sometimes two. They do NOT wag, they bounce :)

I find Sheldon Zimmer's continual refusal to listen to the psych evaludations - and Mort not pushing the matter - to be a little annoying and unlikely. It smacks of the age of Goldwyn, Meyer, and their cousin Metro, and while I can see the appeal of the caricature and the allure of the slow build and hint, I am getting a little pissed off by it.

My concern is that this is set a little in the future but the world doesn't seem to have changed at all except that reality TV has made it to space. I would like to see - and think it might be fun to write - a little of how life and the world MIGHT have changed. For example - a newstand? A hard-copy magazine? I really don't think so.

As I said, minor quibbles. Definitely one of the better works I have seen here. I'll read more at the weekend and possibly offer further comments.

Zoë

Hi Dean
This is not really my genre so it's quite hard to comment - it's not the kind of book I would buy to read. I think your writing is good and the concept is great and I would have thought very marketable with all the hype around The Hunger Games etc etc. To me, it reads almost more like a movie script than a novel, though. And it would probably make a great movie! You might like to look at double checking where you are 'telling' not 'showing' - for example, saying someone is 'attractive' doesn't let me build a picture of her in my mind.
I wish you lots of luck with is and am sure it will be big.
Juno

Hi. Thanks for your comment--it's not "telling" if it is coming from the perspective of the character watching the audition tape.

Hi Dean
This is not really my genre so it's quite hard to comment - it's not the kind of book I would buy to read. I think your writing is good and the concept is great and I would have thought very marketable with all the hype around The Hunger Games etc etc. To me, it reads almost more like a movie script than a novel, though. And it would probably make a great movie! You might like to look at double checking where you are 'telling' not 'showing' - for example, saying someone is 'attractive' doesn't let me build a picture of her in my mind.
I wish you lots of luck with is and am sure it will be big.
Juno

{Space Games} – Dean Lombardo

This is soo enjoyable! What a great premise, and the comic elements are absolutely hilarious!
Chapter one with the different competitors was a great way to introduce the idea, and also sow the seeds for future tension…
Chapter two, you squeezed in some extra detail about space history, and the touch with the Russians getting drunk on vodka is just so funny because of the way you use this stereotype.
Chapter three… we already start to feel the heat and tension of what is to come, because of the rivalry between the competitors. Terrific stuff, I’m hooked and hope to back ASAP!

Cara
‘Dawn of Destruction’

p.s. Here are some detailed notes!
(I’ve been extremely extremely picky with you here! I’ve already given you 6 stars, but since you’re climbing fast I’ve been extra harsh :P )

Chapter 1:

‘said Sheldon Zimmer as he and his assistant…’ → sentence feels a little wordy, plus you have the repetition of ‘Zimmer’ how about:
‘said Sheldon Zimmer, watching the young woman on the TV monitor in his Los Angeles home, his assistant beside him.’ Or some variation?

I’d say ‘slender physique’ as opposed to ‘slender physicality’, doesn’t work too well for me

‘She definitely is one. Hot, though.’ → not sure about the use of ‘though’. Perhaps ‘She definitely is a contender. Hot, too.’

‘But without some conflict.’ Perhaps ‘But without some conflict…’ because it is an unfinished sentence, he’s leaving us hanging on his thought

I’d say ‘Now the young woman was relaxing on a couch, finally taking a rest. She..’

Commas ‘our boy, Joe, one more time’

I’d say ‘Joe corrected, as he sat up and reached for a towel.’ → that way, two ‘thens’ (in next sentence) aren’t repeated

Does ‘Los Angeles’ need to be repeated?


Chapter 2

I’d keep it simple; ‘The cosmonauts had bloodied each other, then the victor had forced himself on the woman, jamming his tongue down her throat.’ → ‘when a victor had emerged’ seems a little clunky

I’d remove comma ‘following one serious injury,…’ Don’t think it’s needed and otherwise the sentence is perhaps overly punctuated

I’d eliminate ‘Sheldon Zimmer mused’ → from the POV we know that we are in his head. For me, it sort of dulls the impact of these last few lines. I’d rather have them shorter and crisper, would create more emphasis

Chapter 3

I’d say ‘Robin wore an emerald green bridesmaid gown, hugging her form, cut low on top and high below, showing…’ just stylistic probably

I think ‘frozen Robin’… I had to reread the ‘freezing’, tripped me up a bit

I’d remove comma ‘Her face was flushed from the alcohol, and the dancing’ smoother?

I’d reorder; ‘However his eyes seemed cold, an icier rage.’ I’m not a fan of having the ‘however’ mid sentence, feels a bit disjointed to me, just stylistic

Hi Dean, just read the first three chapters of Space Games. As far as I can tell you’re writing is flawless. Humor isn’t my strong point to critique in terms of story construction, but your writing is very concise, polished, quick to read like the punches the characters throw, and you reveal just enough about the details of the Space Games through the recruiting tapes at the beginning to make us intrigued to read on. Great setup. Chapter 2 reveals more about the plans for the reality TV show, sets the stakes, makes me smile as I run over your quips. Chapter 3 introduces another recruit, more conflict. You have a very strong voice, you know that? Very snarky (I think that’s the word I’m looking for—it’s got some bite) in this piece. And you end your chapters with great lines. I love how easy your prose is to read through.

To be fully honest, the humor is a bit off-color for my preferred tastes, so I’m probably not your target audience. But I think your writing command is very, very good.

Best of luck with this.

-Sarah E.S.

SF42 review:
I hate reality TV, and therefore, I love this book.
Characterisation: Robin is cutthroat, and obviously has something to prove. She's a little bit frightening, and therefore, I'm rooting for her.
Big Joe is a futuristic Jersey-Shore Gym Rat toolbag. I hate him; he's perfect characterisation. 
Even the background (but not really) players of Zimmer and Morty have me intrigued. Especially Morty: I want to know more about him.
On the basis of these characters alone, I'm picturing this book on the big screen (ironic, really, that I'll watch a movie about reality tv).
Ok, further chapter-by-chapter crits:
Chapter 1:
As a single crit, I'd like to see a tiny indication (just a couple of words) of Morty's reservation earlier in chapter 1; otherwise, it feels almost slightly confusing when he's trying to talk Zimmerman out of the woman he's just presented. 
Chapter 2:
Couldn't find anything to critique here: a perfect plot builder, and a great twist on a piece of information given in chapter 1. Wasn't expecting it at all. Nice.
Chapter 3:
"Her face was flushed, from the alcohol, and the dancing had left beads of sweat above her lip" - I think this sentence could be tightened up just a little. Maybe "Her face was flushed from alcohol, and the dancing had dripped beads of sweat above her lip."
I'm also a tiny bit confused about her position relative to her dancing partner during this part of the chapter - are the chest-to-chest, or side-to-side? It's hard to tell, especially id she's dancing and whispering in his ear, then balling her fists and staring at the camera.
Otherwise, a great, intense chapter. Joe is making me a bit uncomfortable, which is just right. 
Chapter 4:
You managed to indicate the monotonous boredom of the training, yet made it compelling for the reader as an integral part of the reality show process. Well played.
Absolutely loved the idea of an ancient DiCaprio as the resident celebrity cheerleader for the Lakers. Is he going to take over Jack Nicholson's position?
Ok- this is nit-picky and probably no one would notice, but according to the DSM, there's no such thing as a sadistic personality disorder. The closest one would probably be antisocial personality disorder. I'd probably just say that psychological testing found she was a sadist. 

Overall, this story is gripping (which is more than can be said for any reality show), clear, and very fun to read. It's refreshingly sparse with it's descriptive language: no excess adjectives or eye-colour tangents, nothing more than the action and the story. Just thoroughly enjoyable. 
This is a six-star story.  It's a great, original premise, and I'm putting it onto my WL so that I can read some more soon!
Ellie
Paragon

Just read up to chapter 7.
I like where the story is going so far. Reminds me a bit af the Running Man in some ways.
Your writing is very fluent to read and your descriptions paint a very vivid picture. You've obviously worked hard on editing it!
Great story so far!
Cheers,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

I read chapter one and really enjoyed it. You've got a unique, exciting premise and I felt it was really well executed. The opening, with the potential female contestant who seems like a bad choice, instantly set the scene for more drama along the way which works really well.

You set the scene of the future and also the location and space whilst giving some context - such as the the background about Robin's parents. This was really fun to read and instantly drew me in! When I have some more time I will back to read some more!

Hi Dean,
I read Chapter 20, it was weird getting my head around reading about fictional characters playing a virtual game but it was exciting when I did. Connecting the pitch, the story and other peoples comments your idea is fresh well executed and interesting, I wish you luck with the rest of the book.

Kind Regards and Best Wishes

Lenny Banks
Tide and Time: At the Rock

Really enjoyed the opening chapters: an original premise, and crisp, clear writing. Although, I'm hoping that there are no more reality shows in 2034!

Hi Dean,

Had another look at the first few chapters of Space Games (maybe the first 6 Autho chapters? I lost track), and I can definitely tell you've been editing! Your writing is a lot crisper this time around and the pacing a lot faster, making for more of a page-turner (or downward scroller). The premise, of course, is wonderfully enticing, and you do a good job of creating anticipation for the upcoming conflict. I would suggest that you perhaps outline the rules of the game more clearly - several chapters in and I'm still not entirely sure how this game works. I guess you'll show us once Robin and Joe get to the space station, but as a reader, I found it a bit frustrating (what exactly does "battle of the sexes" mean? Will it be like a series of zero-g boxing matches?).

One thing that stood out to me was that I didn't know who I was supposed to be rooting for. As far as I can tell, you've intentionally made all the characters unlikable (especially bitchy Robin and meathead Joe). Even though I get that half the point of the story is that they're combative (and presumably violent), I kind of wish I could care about them more. Or if not them, one of the other characters involved - Zimmer or Vince, perhaps. Vince is probably the least unlikable character so far, but he's not exactly likable either (kind of two-dimensional so far). Maybe getting into their heads more and showing their motivations would make their stories more compelling.

Anyway, you know better than to listen to me. It's a slow day at the office, so I thought I'd just pop in and drop a comment.

Cheers,
M.

Reading it now and can't put it down. Keeping me on the edge of my seat. Like very few books I've read - a new genre unto itself.

Very amusing and entertaining. I like how the program is revealed through the dialogue and the video tapes. The idea is strong I think and I am certainly interested to see how this will pan out.

Kathryn

I have read chapter six and must say it's very entertaining. To hear their background through the story of the producer and his assistant is a very creative touch that I like.

I've never really been a fan of reality TV, but this is catching. I can't wait to the to the competitions themselves and see how your protagonists fare. The speed of the story is excellent. A few times in the beginning of chapter one I felt I needed more descriptions of the characters, but that came later fortunately. But a cool and unique concept of gladiatorial games in the reality setting... in space. I like it.

All in all, a great, recommended read. Six stars.

I'm really glad you agreed to swap reads with me so I got to read this. I'm definitely reading more when I have time. It is really captivating.

I have read chapter six and must say it's very entertaining. To hear their background through the story of the producer and his assistant is a very creative touch that I like.

I've never really been a fan of reality TV, but this is catching. I can't wait to the to the competitions themselves and see how your protagonists fare. The speed of the story is excellent. A few times in the beginning of chapter one I felt I needed more descriptions of the characters, but that came later fortunately. But a cool and unique concept of gladiatorial games in the reality setting... in space. I like it.

All in all, a great, recommended read. Six stars.

I'm really glad you agreed to swap reads with me so I got to read this. I'm definitely reading more when I have time. It is really captivating.