Waiting for the Rain

Shaun,
I REALLY ENJOYED chapter 18. I just like the way it is written. It is fun!
This chapter is a bit like something you would find on the cooking channel.
Never get rid of this chapter.
I will be back to read your two other new chapters.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I love the short pitch, and the long pitch was also very different from what I’ve read before. The prologue certainly raises a few questions for the reader, and slipping the descriptions of the characters in early worked well. I love your descriptions – they raise up such perfect imagery (“a tint similar to a mythical mermaid’s tail”, “viciously salted”). The fair is a great setting so start the narrative, and the rodeo and other elements really add to the atmosphere. It runs through the story, which I liked.

I love Bree and Mackenzie’s friendship – believable girls (all of their friends are) – and her dad is a funny character, who clearly loves her. You really get into the right mindset for teenage readers. Mackenzie’s inner monologue gives the reader a deeper sense of her. Mackenzie is clutzy and cute, and A.J is a good other half – very mature in terms of respecting her. Bree’s family is interesting to read about (a repulsive house and non-very-attractive characters with too many pets and not enough money), and you make some good points about that kind of family.

The pizza making class was a really cute, original date setting, as was the picnic on the roof, and I like the chemistry between the characters. I loved your inclusion of texts – it keeps the other characters involved, and breaks up the narrative. Including the times also made the texts seem more real! I wanted to kill A.J for his nonchalance about wasting so much fuel, but he comes across as a typical young American in that respect. Everything all the characters do is very fitting to their age, and the details about school in particular, really get the reader into that mindframe. The relationship is very PG-13, considering the characters are 17 and 19, but I thought it was sweet.

The variation in focalisation works really well, and I liked reading from multiple points of view. Description is a strong point for you – you can evoke very strong images for the reader, and really draw them into the story. Your style of writing is also simple and enjoyable. A clearly written narrative that flows really well and kept my attention. There was some funny and enjoyable dialogue, and you have created an entertaining story! Good luck with this!

Good writers advise writing about the weather, but good writers haven't bumped into Shaun Holt. Shaun pulls off the weather quite magically, thank you.

The author excels at characterisation. Instantly, I liked Asia with her snappy explanation how black folks run a concert: You get your butts in your seats because the show's starting.

The author is also great at lean description. Without much ado, we learn Bree's family isn't wealthy and that the narrator is athletic but occasionally clumsy.

And sometimes the description is poetic: "hair as dark as a moonless night," or this line: "I never doubted there was misfortune in the world, and Bree never gave up the idea there was hope."

It's a great story and I back it.

Wow, a teen romance story written by a guy! That in itself is worthy of attention.

Description is definitely your strength. You bring the reader into the scene in a powerful way. I could imagine the crowd at the concert, smell the popcorn, etc. The relationship among the four girls is intriguing. They aren't the same and that's a good thing. I especially LOVE Asia. She reminds me of a friend of mine.

I have only read the first three chapters. I saw some typos, but those have been mentioned by others. You do have a tendency to repeat some of the same words and phrases. You might just want to give it a good read, maybe aloud, to see if you can catch those and tweak them a bit. Overall, this is a strong effort in a genre that could use some male writers.

Lela Markham - The Willow Branch

Hey Shaun, thanks again for reading and commenting on Shady Lane--here's some thoughts on your story. First off, I love the cover and the short pitch is great but, for me, the long pitch was exceptionally appealing. The idea of a man writing a book with so many female characters is fascinating and I can't wait to see how you do with this.

Prologue--a little confusing as I was kind of expecting a kiss--though I'm glad there wasn't one so early. I expect readers will understand this later on.

Chapter one--one thing that struck me right away was using Asia's first and last name twice--I found it somewhat off putting. I like the use of descriptives--sights, smells, and such. Ooh the cowboy--nice, but is she drawn to him. Aside from his height, is he attractive? What does his voice sound like? Personally, a man with a deep voice is very sexy!

Chapter two--oh font change--but that's okay, just surprising.
I'm not sure about the cooking--it seems a bit long and drug out. We find out her age--good; I'd been curious through the entire cooking/bedroom/back to cooking scene.
Hippidy hop--lol
Okay you definitely need to check on this--you have: Dad retreated from the dining room, where he would soon shower. What you have simply doesn't make sense and I cannot even offer a suggestion.
Okay--remember what I said about a guy writing girls' characters? There are some points here that have me concerned. The noodles causing those few extra pounds--I'm not sure a girl would say that about her gal pal--that definitely sounds like something a guy would say. Also, the baby thing. What's that about? I know you reference teen pregnancy in your pitch--is Bree baby crazy and going to wind up pregnant? If not than I might change that as I don't know too many teen girls that fawn over babies to that degree.
I must sound nitpicky by now, but I don't get the pajama swap either--if they don't live together why would they mix up the pj's? I have teen girls sleep over all the time and don't ever recall that being an issue.
One more nitpick--teens don't go to bed early--they stay up all night long, especially at sleepovers.

Overall you've done a great job. At this point, I have a good idea about who Mac is and what her life is like. I would have liked there to have been further interaction with the cowboy in that first chapter, but whatever.
I hope my comments are somewhat helpful and I wish you all the best. BTW if you read further in Shady Lane I'll gladly reciprocate. ;) Geneva

Shaun, What can I say here. It would be easier to list the reasons why I liked it. Very sharp, brilliant premise, flows well, good description and use of your characters. You know when to use them and when to back them off. Its got everything going for it this book and needs you to push it. I score high and wish you luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

A really enjoyable, well written story. Great characterisation, superb dialogue, perfect descriptions. What more can I say? Stars, WL and bookshelf in due course,
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Intriguing pitch. Feels like a chic-flick waiting to happen. Dialog flows well and the desciption works well. Good start.

oooh this is cute... nothing like the other books you posted, but i'm a sucker for YA romance

kudos

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

The prologue has some sentences that don't fit in. The second sentence, for example, sounds like it is written in third person, not first. And then the jump from "I am doing this RIGHT NOW in this moment," to her talking about the day they met feels too abrupt.
I have the same element of foreshadowing in my prologue (and I've handled it really badly, that's one of the things I need help with) so I know exactly what you're trying to achieve. It's a good narrative technique, but you're mixing different perspective areas. You have the immediate perspective of what is happening right at that moment, and the perspective of looking back. "If I knew my relationship with A.J. would end like THAT," has an implication of happening later on, viewing the break up and the first meeting with retrospect and nostalgia. It's viewing THAT event (the breakup) after the fact, but the rest of the narration is presenting the break up as happening right at that moment. It needs to be more clear that she is remembering what she is doing and where A.J. is standing and then lamenting the loss and heartbreak and stuff.
It's a bold move, a slightly arrogant move, for a writer. When a reader reads a book they want to know how it ends. But to start the story with the ending and to tell them what happens before they even know what the book is about means that you are planning to rely on the characters and the dialogue and descriptions and the pure poetry of the words on the page to catch the reader.

In the rest of the chapter you use some stilted and predictable phrases. "Annoying tickled," annoyed and tickled me. I couldn't help but think that there might be a better way to describe how the grass annoyingly tickled their feet. It's too overt and plain, empty of description or any real thought or any real meaning. And then you used the phrase "laid back style" to describe Bree. I couldn't possibly think of a more overt, or matter of fact, or boring way of describing someone. Use the phrase "phantom," or "non-parallel," or "obtuse" or something different and new. Granted I may be too demanding of a Nicholas Sparks style novel, and may be trying to infuse it with my own predilection for interesting metaphoric language, but is there no way to be less surface and more feeling?
The job of the writer (and to a lesser extent the narrator) is, as Schopenhauer said, not to narrate great events, but to make small ones interesting. To do this they need to use language to make the chosen world seem new and exciting, and most of all, different from our world. I understand that language needs to reflect the world, and you have managed to do this well, but I feel there needs to be an added dimension where the world is shown to be bigger and more expansive then ours, and the first place to do this is in the language used, the descriptions employed and the implications of what is shown to us.

Sorry if I come off as a bit of an arsehole (I perhaps not so secretly am one). I will have a look (if you still want me to) the other book you mentioned.

I liked the other cover better.

Chapter 20!
Been a while. Sorry! So back to the old Waiting.  
Lots of sentences start with "I" which I picked up on quickly. Here's an example of where it could be chopped:
"out how I could bake numerous things at various temperature" - could just be "out how TO bake numerous..."
"I decided I’d first prepare the bacon and tomato cups" - I decided TO prepare the bacon and tomato cups first"
"I thought it could be only one person" - you can get rid of "I thought" since it's first-person narrative
"I saw Erika and Clair." - could just be: "It was Erika and Clair."
(PS - Clair is hilarious)
"Mac’s friend Asia, that black girl" - "that black girl" made me laugh. A lot.
Rather than just a text message, I'd like a sentence about Mac's inner reaction to the card. Did she think it sweet? Cute? It's really special, so it might be nice to give it a bit more emphasis.
I loved her Dad's reaction to Billy's engagement. Hilarious, and typical.
I heard quite a stir in the house. There was a lot of commotion - this is kinda saying the same thing twice, no?
Chapter 21:
Nothing wrong I could see here, in terms of writing. To be honest, I'm not totally sure if it's necessary to the plot, but I guess I'll go on to the next chapter to find out!
On an overall note - no mention of AJ at all. I miss his cutting commentary.
Chapter 22:
Ah. I see. 
"I woke early" - ever sentence in this paragraph begins with "I." here's one you can change:
"I had jogged about two miles-" maybe just "After I'd jogged two miles," 
"As I sat in Mrs. Cook’s class, I let out a large sigh" - a large sigh is kind of weird. Maybe better as a "long sigh" - also, to cut down on the "I's" the sentence might work as: "Sitting restlessly in Mrs. cook's class, I let out a long sigh."
I actually felt really excited during the competition! I'm half way through, and I hope Mac wins. That said - and I know I'm sounding like a broken record - but too many sentences start with "I" - so this could be made a bit more dynamic. Here's an example of one you might want to switch up: "I began to panfry the bacon" could maybe be: "Next, the bacon needed panfrying"
Jessica "took" pictures could be made more dynamic (and to avoid repetition) as "Jessica snapped photos" 
All in all, a very good day for Mac! 
A really nice chapter there.:)

Chapter 19! You're right - these are pretty easy to fly through. Really clean writing here - nothing to comment on in Mac's section. Just a couple things from AJ's.

I sighed once as I grabbed the rope - every sentence in this paragraph starts with "I" - you might want to switch that up a bit.
.. And soon stormed off. - I think you should get rid of "soon" as the bull would have probably immediately stormed off. I doubt it would've lingered?
I thought it was hilarious and insightful how you described the bully's walk as prissy.

Chapter 18:
Just a few little crits! It's a pretty fun chapter. Mac seems very entrepreneurial and I love how AJ helped her out even from far away. So sweet. 
I still don't understand what J means in the text messages.
"tattooed woman in her earlier twenties. " - should just be early twenties
"Her visible tattoos were numerous and I wondered how many tattoos she had. A tattoo on his right wrist" - lots of repetition of the word tattoo. Might work better as: "Her visible tattoos were numerous, and I wondered how many she had. One on her right wrist..."
"an exotic American Indian woman and" - technically, American Indians aren't exotic (they're really quite the opposite of foreign)
Otherwise smooth writing and I didn't notice anything specific. :)

Ok, thoughts on Chapter 17 :) 
Overall, a great chapter. I like how AJ obviously cares a lot about Mac, but he doesn't say it. He shows it. He does things to help her out, to challenge her, and to make her happy. I think, though, that I'd like to see more of Mac doing the same for him - but maybe this will come later?
Anyway, here are some more specific critiques. Hope they help! 

Macy's thoughts about Rachel seem really mean. Rather than make me dislike Rachel more, they actually kind of make me cringe about what Mac's saying. I'd like to SEE why Rachel's so mean, rather than have Mac tell me, if that makes sense.
A lot of sentences start with "I thought/I found" which isn't so necessary in first-person narrative, as it's implied. To cut down on repetition and makes things smoother, you might want to write:
"A Neo-nazi made a poor greeter, so I took over for him." (btw, that's pretty hilarious)
"The job was easier than I'd expected."

Ha! Also a lot of "thens" - for this sentence: " I looked for the source, then saw one of the smallest cars I’d ever seen barreling toward us." you might want to try: "I looked around for the source, and spotted one of the smallest cars I'd ever seen barreling towards us."
"hands on his head frustrated" - comma after 'head.'
"so he won’ have a say in the matter" - just a little typo - missing the t in won't.
"Both A.J and I ordered blades, so I was the only girl who had blades" - its clear she's the only girl who got blades, so it's not necessary to add in (makes her sound a little bit braggy)
"She was afraid he would bump into her." - you don't need this sentence as its implied.
"he didn’t quite master that" - should be "he hadn't quite mastered"
"using mad as a synonym for awesome." - you don't need this.
"She would usually use more inflection in her voice, hitting high and low pitches" - this might be more easily written as: "There was usually more inflection in her tone..."
"and A.J tried to avoid him, but also fell" - might be better as "but also tumbled" to avoid excess repetition of the word "fell"
Woah. Mac's dad is ridiculous. What a crazy-pants. 

There you go! I agree - I really do love Asia and Cody. They're hilarious

Chapter 16:
Not too much here - really clean. Here you go!
            AJ (8:20 AM0 - J - once again, entertaining dialogue. The only problem is the J part... I think it means joking, but it's not universal (or necessary), so you might be better removing it.
"Later, ho,” she replied - I think I mentioned this earlier, but the use of "ho" (sorry, but I'll mention this little unfair fact: particularly because you're a guy, people will be turned off here). I'd remove it.
  “Good, and it’s Mac.”   /   “Oh, sorry,” he said, as he pet the cow’s head.  - I think Mac's  trying to show that she's familiar with Dusty here, but it's abrupt, and Dusty's apology gives off the impression that Mac was kind of snappily correcting him, instead of inviting him to use a term of endearment. It might be better as: "good, thanks, and you can call me Mac" (or something better than that - you're good at dialogue!) :S to which dusty might reply something else?
I also can never find any of those personalised items with my name on it. It's very frustrating - I feel Mac's pain. On another note - I like how AJ really helps out Mac all the time. It's lovely - he really deserves her. I'm hoping that later on, Mac will return the favour?

partly from being proud of me and for the abuse to his truck stopping for now - I feel like this sentence could be smoothed out a bit.

I laughed a lot at "awesomeness"
 
"However, as he said, I did have the fundraising stuff to look forward to, but a big hole suddenly opened." - you use however and but in this sentence. I'm not convinced you need both.

Last thought: it might be nice to see Mac return the sentiment, and maybe say something along the lines of "I'll wait for you too." otherwise, her dialogue in this part (won't give it away) runs the risk of sounding a bit like someone who's upset she's not getting her way, and not sacrificial enough. Just a thought. 
Another great chapter, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens now that they're going to be apart for a couple months!
Ellie

Chapter 15:
The writing's really clean, so it'll just be some overall thoughts on this chapters.
I found myself liking Mac even more after this chapter. She really showed how much she cared about Bree by offering to help clean up the house aheron the way that she never judges her best friend, who is obviously living in some pretty rough conditions. They have silly conversations and laugh a lot together, and Mac is never patronizing nor does she ever over step her "charity boundaries." more than ever, I'm convinced she's a great friend, which makes me want her to get her happy ending and that kiss!
A couple of thoughts: be careful if the number of step fences you start with We/I/She, in the sense of "we did this. Then we did that. Then we did this." - I think this chapter could do with a bit more dialogue - most of your dialogue has been absolutely fantastic - and what they're doing can be shown as they talk. That will make this a more dynamic chapter, I think. That's my only real critique for this chapter, as the writing is really smooth.
Also, raspberry lemonade is delicious.
Ok, gonna try to get to chapter 16 tomorrow! Sorry this was such a short one!
Ellie

Chapter 15:
The writing's really clean, so it'll just be some overall thoughts on this chapters.
I found myself liking Mac even more after this chapter. She really showed how much she cared about Bree by offering to help clean up the house aheron the way that she never judges her best friend, who is obviously living in some pretty rough conditions. They have silly conversations and laugh a lot together, and Mac is never patronizing nor does she ever over step her "charity boundaries." more than ever, I'm convinced she's a great friend, which makes me want her to get her happy ending and that kiss!
A couple of thoughts: be careful if the number of step fences you start with We/I/She, in the sense of "we did this. Then we did that. Then we did this." - I think this chapter could do with a bit more dialogue - some of your dialogue has been absolutely fantastic - and what they're doing can be shown as they talk. That will make this a more dynamic chapter, I think. That's my only real critique for this chapter, as the writing is really smooth.
Also, raspberry lemonade is delicious.
Ok, gonna try to get to chapter 16 tomorrow! Sorry this was such a short one!
Ellie

YARG review:

Although romance isn't my usual genre, I think this is a really original idea for a teen book. I really like the prologue, as it instantly hooks the reader, making you want to read on to find out what happened for them to get to that situation.

I read up to the end of chapter three, and I'm enjoying the story so far. The characters of Mackenzie and Bree are believable and well-established, and I like the way you portray their easygoing friendship. The first-person perspective works well, and Mackenzie's voice is convincing, with her thoughts interspersed throughout the narrative offering her perspective on things. Her clumsiness in her initial encounters with AJ is amusing, and will doubtless resonate with teenagers today.

I think you have a great start to an original romance story here - I'll be back for more soon!

Emma

The writing flows well, with a good balance of description and dialogue, and you make good use of imagery and the senses.

A bit of tense confusion (use of present tense) in the first chapter

Chapter 13:

      I felt like Rachel was excommunicated from our circle - excommunicating seems a bit harsh. After all, isn't Rachel more removing herself from the group? If Mac and her friends "excommunicate" Rachel, that makes them a bit snobby, rather than the other way around.
"All the plantations have outsourced to China.” - that's hilarious
Actually, apart from the excommunicated bit, this whole chapter is pretty much great. I love Asia and Cody's banter - they're definitely making me enjoy the book! Really well done there. 

Chapter 14:
You never said liquid rain - great line. I smiled.
Tremendously in love - another great line.
I don't feel great about the sudden drama of the confrontation with Rachel. That said, it does seem like something teenage girls would do, so I suppose it's realistic. I think, more than anything, it feels unlike Mac's character. Then again, it's Bree who goes off on her, so... This is not a great crit. Haha, sorry.
"As for Bree, I felt sad to see her attending homecoming alone" - I think I'd change his to, "I felt sad to see Bree attending homecoming alone." because the next para starts with As for Rachel

Okay, sorry these are short. Truly, there wasn't much to critique. I think these, along with 11, are two of your best chapters. Your dialogue is getting better and better (especially with Cody and Asia). It's fantastic. Really well done Shaun.

Chapter 12:
We entered the shop. A slender associate met us. - too statement-y. Maybe try: Inside the shop, we were greeted by a slender associate.
Love the whole awesomeness bit. What a silly word. 
"I liked the length of the dress, just past my knees." - tiny nit-pick, but not sure you need 'the dress' there.
Mac's  dad sucks. 
Not much to change here - short chapter, and pretty good! One general thought is to try not to use it is/I am/you are in dialogue: use it's/I'm/you're - it comes off a bit more realistic. :)
Ok, chapter 13 tomorrow! Asia and Cody! I'm really looking forward to it!
Ellie

WAITING FOR THE RAIN
This is a wonderful coming of age story. I like the clumsiness with the pizza at the concert; the kind of thing we’ve all done at least once. As well as the air of innocence you’ve infused into your story. I think you’ll find a wide audience of young adults for this; teenagers who want to find young love vicariously through A.J.’s and Mackenzie. Will find this an enjoyable read. I’m starring it highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Chapter 10: :)
This chapter, overall, was pretty smooth. Not too long, and I like Mac's optimistic realism. 
Just a few thoughts:
"I missed her greatly and wondered when she’d call me. I wasn’t sure if she missed me as I missed her." - I'm not sure the tone works here (particularly with the 'missed her greatly' - i just cant picture a 19-year old guy thinking that. You might like: "I wondered when she'd call me. I wasn't sure she missed me as much as I missed her."
"I liked him well enough, despite Sarah’s early reservations concerning him" - not sure you need concerning him.
"isle seats " - just a typo. Should be "aisle seats"
I do agree - the trees in Washington are much better than those in central park.
I like how you're portraying Mac's dad - initially I was sure he was some really nice super-dad, but now I'm less convinced. Maybe a bit too much of a control freak with a temper? I think he could really throw a dent in Mac and A.J.'s relationship... (did he have an ulterior motive for the NYC trip?) I'm looking forward to finding out!

Chapter 11:
"he was susceptible to his ramblings" - don't need 'his'
"and that weird bicycle-kick thing." - I laughed about this
"Those chinks may have invented fireworks" - I know it's meant to be Asia's irreverence, but I'd be careful using the word 'chink.' a lot of people find it highly offensive, despite the context. I'd probably change it to Chinese.
That's a nice poem - it felt like the right tone for a 17-year old girl, but was fun to read.
I laughed a lot at the glue-stick name. If I get a horse, that's exactly what I'll name him.
Wow. You did a great job with the waterfall scene. No spoilers, but well played!
Oh - yeah, Mac's dad really does kind of suck, eh? Lame
And great closing with Asia's phone conversation. I was definitely laughing throughout,
Honestly - chapter 11 is your best yet. I couldn't think of much to critique - I was enjoying it too much! There's humour, fairly intense romance, a little home tension, and I like that josh takes mac out of her comfort zone!
Ellie

Very cool cover my friend and cool concept as well! I've watchlisted and will read and comment soon!

Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

Chapter 9:
"I woke quickly, as I heard a noise" - this feels a bit too statement-y. Might Work better as: "A sharp noise startled me from sleep."
Mac makes egg and soldiers! Love it.
Pretty weird encounter with the goth girl! I liked it a lot.
"I didn’t except dorm rooms" - should be Expect dorm rooms (just a typo)
Deer meat is delicious. Just thought I'd say that.
"crept me out six months ago" - should be "creeped"

You really seem to know about culinary school! It was interesting to read about, actually - definitely a refreshing interlude to the romance, yet also made me miss Josh, so I think you played this chapter pretty well. Also - it made me hungry.
All in all, I liked this chapter. I think it ended on a sweet note, and it definitely made me consider Mac's new "options." I'll get to 10 tomorrow.
E

You have such a strong premise. Your short pitch caught my attention. I will be putting you on my watch list of things to read. I will get to yours as I finish reading the other works posted here that I promised to give my attention to. But, from what I can tell. I think I am in for a pleasant surprise. You structor has all the makings for a great novel.
Dawn

Very nice writing! Your setting descriptions, and characterizations, are clean and clear, and a pleasure to roll with. The banter and dialog are all well crafted. A fun story, I think teens would be drawn to. Best of luck with this!
And you are invited to check out my kids' lit novel, The Lost Wink
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Very good writing once again.
By the way I enjoyed your own little entry into your story. That made me laugh.
You did a good job bringing things to an end and keeping everything flowing. Yes, your big goal was good, but my favorite part wasn't the kiss as much as the story that formed all around them. There were chapters I just loved, where there were other I didn't care for as much, but you write very well.
You are a very consistent writer. You know what you want and you do it.
Grand work with your book.
Best wishes always.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shaun,
You've captured a slice of small town America, your book defining the girl-meets-boy scenario in the context of high-school teen finding love at a rodeo. Mackenzie does justice to the role of hopeful girl and A.J.responds well as the answer to her dreams, albeit in cowboy boots. The first person POV made being with Mackenzie more intimate and immediate as I viewed events through her eyes. Your conversational narrative prose and emotive dialogue laid out in simple, unaffected sentences were easy to follow and digest. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Chapter 8:

Ok, so what I like most about this chapter is the realism: you introduce the point that Mac is really on the precipice of her life, and that she will probably move away/meet new people very soon. I think the way you've played it: with something as small as missing a date with AJ in order to visit what she hopes for in her future, is a good, subtle way to introduce this dilemma. So well done there!
Here's just a few thoughts:
- "At six foot one, he was naturally one of the most imposing figures on the basketball team" -6'1" isn't really that tall. I'd probably make him 6'4" or so, just for dramatic effect. 
- "I don’t want involved.” - I think you mean "I don't want to get involved."
- The whole basketball scene was pretty funny. I really liked it. 
- "than the kids who enjoyed science." - this could probably be shortened to "the science kids." on another note, I've noticed you use the word "enjoyed" a lot. I don't think it had a very YA feel - although I know Mac doesn't speak like a teenager. It's fine in that sense, because it suits her character. Still, a little variation might work :)
- "The flag was flying at half-mast because one of the sophomore students had died that week in a car wreck." -  this is too much of a statement. There's no reaction to it, so I'm not sure it should be in here.
- "He looked like he was not too much in the talkative mood either" - I think this sentence could be improved a little. Maybe with "he didn't look like he was in a talkative mood either."
- I suppose if you're looking to cut something, the parking lot scene (where she describes them driving around looking for a spot) isn't necessary.
- "I wondered what it’d be like to fly one of those things." - this doesn't make sense, as she's already been on a plane.
- I'm not sure why, but the taxi scene was really funny. Barry was hilarious name. You captured the guy really well - spectacular description. 
- "I changed in the same room, and crawled into the large bed" - probably just easier to write: "I changed and crawled into bed"
- It would be nice at the end of the chapter to see her thoughts return to Josh, and the fact that she didn't get in touch with him, I think. 

Okay, that's pretty much it. I'm really looking forward to chapter 9; I feel like it will present a great option for Mac, perhaps causing her to face a dilemma?
Ellie

Chapter 7:
The second date! Very sweet, and it was nice to see Mac trip up in the kitchen. Made it more realistic.
"While no more words exchanged, it was one of the biggest fights. " - this sentence feels half-finished.
The text conversation about Mac sounding 25 is really funny, and I don't want you to remove it, but it doesn't make sense for them to be texting - because wouldnt this also be part of the phone conversation? Did she hang up and then text Bree immediately? I think there's a lack of segue there.
"I did something rare for me… I applied eyeliner" - probably should be a colon instead of an ellipsis. 
" I found it a romantic gesture and badly wanted to give him a kiss for the effort" ok the problem with this, I think, is that it's stating the obvious. "I found it a romantic gesture" - I mean, it obviously is, so stating it kind of takes away that "awww" moment for the reader.
The introduction to the parents is pretty hilarious.
"He grinned hungrily as he asked, “What are you making?”" - josh already knows what she's making - they joked about it in chapter 6. 
"While no sex before marriage was enough of a commitment in today’s teenage pregnancy culture" - teen pregnancy culture just doesn't fit the POV of a 19 year old male. Without sounding too harsh,  I'd try to rework this whole section with a little more emphasis on the romanticism of waiting, and a differently/more subtly worded discussion on the current state of not waiting. Someone made the good point with me recently that this sort of commentary should be addressed obliquely, rather than directly, and I have to agree (I'm only picking up on it because I do it in my book too!)
"Rain was fates’ blessing to our relationship." - this is really nice, but I don't think you need "to our relationship" as you said "our relationship" in the previous sentence, and I think "rain was fate's blessing" is a really lovely sentence all on its own. :)
"The wound didn’t look to be infected." - it wouldn't look infected after just ten minutes, even if it became infected later. (ha! Sorry - med student ruining the fiction here)
"I’d nursed him to health," - well, that's stretching it a bit... (see above comment. Sorry!)
Okay, overall I thought this date was pretty sweet. I actually believe that Mac and AJ are into each other, which is good! I didn't really feel as though anything needed to be cut down, but I suppose if you think it needs to be cut down, then you could cut it down by removing a lot of the finite details of what precisely they're doing. More importantly, I would like to see some more tension in the bathroom scene - what is AJ doing? How is he positioning himself near Mac? I think for the romance aspect, it would do more with the sort of subtleties of what they're doing makes them feel, rather than the more direct conveying of exactly what they're doing, if that makes sense.
Anyway, that was a more general crit, but honestly, I thought it was a sweet chapter. 
Ellie

Chapter 6:
-Pretty good about the multiple locker combinations. I remember this problem for sure.
 -“Hey ho,” I replied. - this is way too harsh. I know teen girls say it, but it just won't go down okay in a book.  Loser goes down okay, "ho" won't. 
- oh no. plEASE don't let her be a fan of twilight. I know it's realistic, but now I like Mac 80% less. Hahaha, sorry ;-)
- do high school students take Art History in the states? Not a crit, purely curious. Actually: not a single one of her "courses" we're offered as courses in my school (except cooking), and definitely none in senior year. I must have gone to the worst school ever. 
- you describe two people as "possessing" a certain hair colour in this chapter, which feels a but repetitive. I can't decide how I feel about the hair-descriptions. Before, I wasn't into it, but it kind of feels like your thing in the book, so it's kind of trademark.
-"I know a pretty decent dealer,” another said. - I laughed about this.
- you describe both the walls and her coat as fandango - because it's such a specific and unusual descriptor, I'd probably switch this up.
- Asia was more unpredictable than promiscuous - I really liked this description.
- "Why don’t they just build a supermarket or a Seven-Eleven?” - yes. Why don't they indeed? I wish I had a friend like Asia.
- I don't even know what predicates and split infinitives are.
- "I’ll rip out your spine and floss my teeth with it.” - I honestly think I'm going to use that line.
- never mind. THREE characters "possess" a certain hair colour. (also, I'm not convinced smoke black-grey is that similar to ebony)
- "She had green India green eyes" - not sure you need the first green
- the Environmental science class would be a good place to explore the depth of the issues with Rachel. I was a bit disappointed that there was no dialogue here. 
- "American Culture Through Satire" - ok, is this actually a high school class? Seriously, not one of these classes were offered at my school. I would totally attend a cartoon class. Also, we only had four classes a day, but I've heard that this is different in the us.
- I love how you add the time to the text messages. Hilarious.
- okay, overall, maybe some pacing issues here. I'm not sure the reader needs to know about every single one of Mac's classes and the description of every teacher (although the descriptions are really good!). This is sort of more "out takes" extra scene stuff for when the book gets published! I think your dialogue is fantastic, definitely your strong point (especially the Bree's final zinger), and I think this chapter could do well with some tension if you add some conversation between Mac and Rachel here, rather than all of the class descriptions. 

Chapter 5:
I couldn't help myself. Had to see how the date went!
With nearly a year left of my senior year, it felt like college was far away - it feels a bit weird reading two "years" in one sentence, and you can shorten the back half just by saying "college felt far away"
Wow. That was probably one of the grossest descriptions for condom use I've ever read. Hilarious. Also, Wang-dang-doodle is seriously Ned Flanders 
"If he lets you freeze, let him rot.” - great line
I like her vacillation on whether or not she should arrive first. Pretty hilarious.
You don't really explain where A.J. shows up from. Was he already in the shop, or did he meet her by the statue? He kind of just appears.
"faded blue jeans" - probably just faded jeans, because you've used the word blue three times in two sentences there.
"two ceil blue aprons" - not sure what ceil means.
  “So this truck is your duty to America.”. - I laughed about this
 “Keeping jobs in America and oil companies afloat.” - this too. Very charitable of him. Those poor oil companies.
Way too many ellipses from AJ's POV, in my opinion.
"We were up there for twenty minutes or so." - Twenty minutes is maybe a bit short, especially if they're eating dinner?
Overall, a very sweet, very realistic first date. Lots of fun dialogue, and really well played. Well done.
E

YARG review: Waiting for the Rain
I liked your profile about not wanting to read another YA about teens getting knocked up by vampires. Thank goodness! Anyway, I like your idea of writing a book about restraint - would be a good thing for teens (and adults) to read! So i went through a few. They're my humble opinions, so take them or leave them as you like.

Chapter 1:
"groaned a dark-skinned teenage girl." - it's a bit weird/too unfamiliar to describe her friend as "a dark-skinned girl." might just work better as "the girl beside me" or "my friend" because it's evident in the next paragraph that she's African-American. 
Great description of asia's eyes!
"As I sip the raspberry lemonade, I think I hear my name called from afar-" you've switched to present tense here. Should switch back to past.
"it seems a little dreary..." nit-picky, but do teens still say dreary?
"cerulean blue eyes" - just cerulean eyes.
Amazing descriptive work with the scents of the fair! Felt real, and made me hungry!
"platinum-haired woman with a tiny frame" - for hair colour, platinum denotes blonde. You might want to describe it as silver, or titanium.
On that note... A LOT of hair descriptions in chapter one. Probably you can describe a couple of her friends (or even MAckenzie's chestnut hair) later.
"the number nineteen proudly displayed on the back" - she wouldn't be able to see his back at this stage
Five-eleven's not that tall... And if he's "nearly" (therefore 5'10", I think he's closer to average height)

Chapter 2:
"I was taller with dark (chestnut) hair" - this would be a better place to describe Mackenzie's hair (more realistic)
In dialogue, Mackenzie refers to her mother as "Mom," but in the narrative it's Mother, whereas her Dad is just "Dad." I'd probably stick with Mom, since it's first-person.
"My earliest attempts combined perfectly made chicken and noodles with a sauce that looked like cat food" - I'm not sure where 'combined perfectly' fits into this.
" barfed up dog chow" gross! Haha... I love it. Great description
"though the inflection in her voice told us that she didn’t care" - this made me laugh.
"upon greeting, and sometimes when bidding farewell" - maybe a bit too formal for first-person teen dialogue
Oh no! Is mrs. Roads unwell?
Hahaha... I laughed when I realized "Jennifer and Ryan broke up" was referring to a tabloid. Great stuff
"We set our plates down at the family dining room table" - you use the word table six times in this paragraph. It probably doesn't need to be there in every sentence. 
Loved how the dad described it as "jumping" hip hop. 
I'm quite worried about Mrs. Roads.
Okay, maybe these two girls are extra-modest,  but teenage girls usually have no problem changing in the same room, in my experience. I'd probably get rid of that paragraph.
What topic do they talk about? Generally, I'm not a fan of "describing" dialogue - you should probably put just a line or two in there.

Chapter 3:
"I said, pointing to the dark-skinned girl in line." - don't bother describing Asia as dark-skinned twice. It runs the risk of seeming too focused on their difference in skin colour.
I'm guessing she sang "play that funky music?" - great song choice! I could hear it in my head.
"Oh God, then we do need to go to the petting zoo.” - great line. Actually, the whole ensuing conversation is pretty hilarious. You do an incredible job with teen girl dialogue. I'm impressed! I love the rest of this chapter: I read the whole thing with a huge grin on my face. Great, great dialogue.

Chapter 4:
Ugh. You do such a good job of describing Bree's mother with unflinching accuracy and feeling. I feel so sad for the family. It's nice that you've portrayed Bree and Mackenzie as such close friends that she's privy to Bree's home. I'd imagine a lot of people aren't.

Overall, I'm liking this more and more as the chapters go on. Let me know if the comments are okay, and I'm happy to keep going with it- I'm looking forward to reading about A.J. And Mackenzie's first date!
Ellie
Paragon

This is a YARG review

Waiting for the Rain

I like your front cover. Your short pitch and long pitch are from different points of view, which is unusual but works fine. I like the premise in the short pitch in particular.
“broken home” seems a bit old-fashioned.

Ch 1- I like the description of the weather, and how what time people arrived determined what they are wearing.
The description of the smells and tastes of the fair are evocative. I like “viciously salted” especially.

Ch 2 - The comparison between the phony architecture and genuine friendships is very clever. You have already created a wonderful friendship between the girls and this cements it.
The part about the way Mackenzie’s parents treat Bree is also very good. I can imagine how that would be true.
The detailed description of preparing the chicken is too long, unless it becomes relevant later. Then, later, there’s more about how to cook it! And more about eating it and how much the characters enjoy it. It reads like an informal recipe book, and slows the pace down.
I like the part about telling how Dad’s day has gone by looking at his clothes.

That’s as far as I got. There’s loads of brilliant stuff here - really original descriptions and characters. For me, there are issues with the level of detail and pace in some places, but otherwise I really enjoyed this. High stars and a contender for my shelf.

Lucy

Hey

I have read the first two chapters, and I really liked it. It is simple and true of this age-group. Everything that has happened so far ties in well. When they were at the fair, the awkwardness and embarrasment as she spoke to the lad. All spot on! Yes I tend to agree about the imagery (another reader has mentioned the mermaid's tail description), and it was going to be my first point. Very good. Even when cooking the dinner is first discussed, and the feel of the meat - exactly like thoughts of this age!. i would say maybe a tad over-descriptive as regards to cooking the chicken, but that is the only thing that sticks out to me. Very good. I will keep reading when I have got through this quickly growing reading list I seem to have promised!

5 stars, wl! All the best, Lee

Hi Shaun,

I really enjoyed this. It has a nice YA feel to it, with good pacing and nice characterisation. You’ve carried off the first person POV really well. I’ve made a few notes for you. Feel free to use what you think is appropriate and toss the rest.

Prologue
This is really good. It sets up an interesting scene and makes us wonder what on Earth has gone before to lead to this point. Especially the last sentence.

Ch 1

1) ‘groaned a dark-skinned teenage girl’
I thought this was just a random girl in the crowd. It wasn’t until three comments later, when Mackenzie addressed her by name, that I realised Mackenzie knew her. Maybe say ‘groaned my friend’ or ‘groaned Asia’ (We know she’s not white, because she says, ‘That’s the problem with you white people.’
If you feel you need to state that she’s a teenager, you could incorporate it at the point where Mackenzie describes her).

2) ‘you needed cheered up’
should be ‘you needed cheering up’ or ‘you needed to be cheered up’

3) You change tenses a few times through the story. As most of it seems to be written in the past tense, I would recommend that you stick with that.
eg. ‘As I sip the raspberry lemonade…’
Should be, ‘As I sipped the raspberry lemonade (as we haven’t yet been told that she has a raspberry lemonade, ‘the’ should be ‘a’ or ‘my’), I thought I heard my name called from afar (you could eliminate ‘from afar’. ‘Called’ suggests the caller is some distance away). While I scanned the area for familiar faces, I began to set the cup down in the seat beside me, forgetting that I was on the end seat of the bleachers. I dumbly watched my drink fall to the ground. (I would change where the last comma and full-stop go, as I’ve done here. If she’s watching her drink fall to the ground, she’s probably remembering (too late) that she’s on the end seat, but if she’s reaching out to place her drink on a non-existent seat, then she’s forgetting.).

4) ‘It’s Bree Thatcher’
‘It’s should be ‘It was’

5) Unless the middle-aged man at the hot-dog stand comes into the story again, I’d be inclined to eliminate his description. Otherwise, we expect him to play a future role and he won’t.

6) ‘A Seattle Mariners t-shirt tucked into his pants’
Should be ‘A Seattle Mariners t-shirt was tucked into his pants’

7) ‘the soda that I managed to save’
past tense again. ‘the soda that I’d managed to save’

8) ‘out of line following me’
should be ‘out of line and following me’


Great first chapter. Gives you a feel for Bree, Asia and Mackenzie. I really like the way you begin with weather, when it’s been such a major part of the prologue. I also like the way you end with the guy, but he’s a really minor part – not even named.

My younger daughter would love this story. Well done.

Sue

Hello Shaun,

I just finished reading Waiting and I love it!! I love how Cody and Asia interact! Favorite parts in the book would be the phone conversation between Mac and Asia, Mac & AJ's pizza date where Cody steals the ladder, the waterfall scene, oh and the scene with Dusty & Macs father! I love it!! You can't forget the kiss scene either :) Love the book, can't wait to read Columbian Death and German Derelict :)

Well, I've read for over two hours, and have gotten through five chapters! This is really great, and I'm glad you've posted the whole thing now.
My comments:

Chapter 10:
The only thing I noticed wrong was that her father liked “isle” seats—missing an A.
I loved the cooks’ showdown with the knives!

Chapter 11:
Asia’s “Racism”
Is it possible to express it some other way? Racism has so many bad connotations. What about something like “Asia loved to speak disrespectfully of all races, including her own” or something of the sort. She is not racist; racist is having prejudice against one or more other races. Asia isn’t prejudiced, just outspoken.
I don’t like Rachel—she’s stuck-up!
Cody stole the ladder??!!
“Dusty…applied no pressure or squeeze…gentle squeeze”: rephrase to be less confusing as to whether he squeezed or not.
“Displayed the Seattle Mariners logo”: just say, “…teal, with the Seattle Mariners logo”
Horseback riding? Now I’m jealous of her…
Yes, you’re right, I loved the waterfall scene! It was really good that they could be alone like that and still hold their promise—most kids aren’t that strong nowadays.
The Ackley place is just the sort of home I’d like someday; the description of it was great.
The conversation with Asia at the end had me laughing a lot! She’s so funny…
This is definitely my favorite chapter so far!

Chapter 12:
“dress…materialized”: Materialized gives the idea of showing up out of nothing. Perhaps you could pick another term.

Chapter 13:
Asia and Cody are a hoot!
“I scoffed; glad we did not mess up…” why did she scoff? What was wrong?
Rain at last—yeah!

Chapter 14:
What? HAIL?

Chapter 15:
I was surprised she didn’t know what mayonnaise was!

You seem to be hitting a stride with your writing, and it's much cleaner and easier to follow. This is such a good story...
~Hannah

good descriptive, first person narrative along with your dialogue works very well for your book.
backed...
SEASONS...

Hi Shaun,
I read the first two chapters, and I promise I will come back and read more, but I wanted to give you my first impressions.

For young adults, I think they will love it. Your language is on cue and you talk about the things that they care about. I think it is very down to earth and your writing style is very fluid.

This is just my opinion, but I would get rid of the prologue at the beginning of Ch 1. I think openings that give (almost) everything away underestimate the reader and make reading the rest of the book pointless. Why would I read a book when I know exactly what is going to happen? I've always liked a little mystery and intrigue, even when I was a teen.

Watch for cliches. Cliches will get your ms thrown in the rejected pile faster than you can say cliche. There aren't many, but I did notice a few..."devil may care attitude" "big heart" "rotten egg game" things like that.

I did enjoy reading the first couple of chapters, and I look forward to reading more!

Frith,
Kayla Shaw

Shaun,
the new chapters are very intense. I can't believe all that is happening though I did see it coming.
The tenseness of all of this really moves the story onward.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi, Shaun! I've read another chapter! I really enjoyed her New York trip, and hope to be back soon to read more...
Just a few comments:
Chapter 9:
“Eat up”: add comma after
“Egg yoke”: “Yolk” is correct.
“We have you sharing room”: I think you meant “a room”
“the woman had straight dark maroon”: maroon what?
“in the light revealed them olive”: delete “in”, add “as” or “to be” before “olive”
“That is what we are known for”: “That’s what we’re known for.”
“I did not except dorm rooms”: Should be “expect”
“It is all just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo”: “It’s all…”
“Short and wide-shouldered, his nose was short…”: Too much short!
“A thin neck with her Adam’s Apple protruding”: I thought women didn’t show such things??
“crept me out”: for feeling creepy, the term is “creeped”—at least that’s the term we use in the South.
“instructor wearing a brown apron”: It sounds like Sarah’s wearing the brown apron while looking. Try “Sought out the instructor, who was wearing…”
“Okay its tender enough”: Should be “Okay, it’s tender…”
“Slice the other rest”: ?
“Peaked inside”: should be “peeked”
“He is the one who took me here”: should be “brought”
~Hannah

I greatly enjoyed the first two chapters. Just the kind of book I'd like to read while lounging on the beach. Well written Shaun.

Sarah (Falling Again)

This is a delightful story with a wonderful premise. So romantic! Title and cover are lovely too.

The Prologue provided an excellent 'tease' that really made me want to read on and I liked the idea of having three very different girls as friends, their individual voices really come through in the dialogue.

In Chp 2 and beyond, the cooking bits are unusual and interesting, though you mention twice in that chapter that her mother didn't eat the dish last time she made it, kept it in the fridge and then threw it away.

I had a few niggles, but feel free to ignore them completely!
1) The first line of your short pitch sounds a bit too much like sermonising. You might be right, but the interesting 'hook' is the second sentence, and the impact of it is spoilt by the first. It's like you're mixing politics and romance, fine, but not in the short pitch! Long pitch was great.

2) The prologue is fantastic, but then Chp1 & 2 felt a slight let down for me. There was a tad too much description and back story in Chp 2. And it didn't always feel like it was Mackenzie's voice - particularly when you describe the house in such detail. We can buy in to the fact that she's a teenager interested in cooking, but it's a little too much to have her interested in interior design/gardening/architecture as well which we have to assume as we are in her POV and these things are all described in intimate detail - even the species of tree!! It's like she's a mini Martha Stewart!!!

3) This is related to 2 - the vocabulary sounded a little too grown up/formal for Mackenzie. You start Chp3 by saying, "Consciousness began to replace my restful slumber", which doesn't feel like a teenager to me. I understand that you're trying to make her a little different to the usual female teenage heroine, but it felt unbelievable, also e.g. "Mother was complaining about her forthcoming appointment with a chiropractor" and "we had grown accustomed to her" all sound too formal.

There were some lovely bits though, I love in the first paragraph in Chp 2 the line about Bree losing her shoes and throwing Mackenzie's purse into the neighbours garden. These playful bits were lovely, showing the easy relationship these girls have with one another. I also loved Asia as a freewheeling foil for Mackenzie and all the jokes and laughs they have together.

5 stars from me,
all the best,
Sharda.
We were doing a reading swap, so please take a look at mine when you have the time. http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Dear Shaun,

I really like the idea of this book. I think it is something that teenagers would appreciate, especially at an age when first kisses are like magic. This is written in a way that is young-adult-friendly. Rich with dialogue and emotion.

I think there's some specific editing/revision needed. I like to take notes as I go.

Prologue
~ "...like an army on the verge of routing."
This simile is not relatable to most and draws us away from the scene to picturing a battlefield: For instance, "trembling like leaves tapped by fat raindrops," is a way to keep the metaphor relating to this story in particular.
~ "Combined with..." This sentence is not clear; what is combined?
~ "like a defendent..." Again, this simile is a quick snippet of another plot; the most effective metaphors are images with similar qualities; relate a quality to a quality, not an action or story to another action or story
~ "layer of water" Water does not form a layer, it soaks in.
~ "If I knew my relationship..." This sentence is a bit muddled. The relationship ended up devestated and getting soaked? Saying it this way pinpoints the inconsistency. I understand what you are trying to say, but the second part doesn't keep the subject of the sentence consistent with the first.
~ "...how totally a relationship..."
The adverb "totally" shouldn't be so separated from its verb "ruin." Keep "totally ruin" together.
~ "You could get a gauge..."
This isn't the most fitting, succinct way of saying this. I don't think one would normally try to gauge the unpredictability of the weather, but the weather's unpredictability might be evident. Suggested fix: "The weather was ever-changing throughout the day, evident in the various attires at the Puyallup Fair."
~ "...groaned a dark skin..."
At first it seems like the narrator doesn't know this girl, but she does.
~ "...she could be relied upon to cheer you up."
Awkward and passive phrasing. Fix: "...you could count on her to cheer you up."
~ "She possessed...." Not fitting word usage. "Possess" means "owning or mastering something," and you would never say, "She owned blue eyes." It is used when something was acquired. "She had..." is fine.

I hope these suggestions help! I look forward to reading further! :)

-Cassandra Porter
(Love, Death, or the Gift of Happiness)

Hello! Decided to take a squint at your book as I'm a big fan of YA/Teen fiction. Well, the non-vampire kind anyway.

I think you've got a great premise here and so far Mackenzie is coming off as a well rounded, interestin character. Her voice throughout is great and the whole things fits well with the general style of this type of book. You've also got some great characterisation in her friends, and some neat turns of phrases that show you're a strong writer. I think with a little polish this will be great and I'll be following its progress. I'd actually like to shelve it, but I've literally just filled my shelf for the first time (I'm a newb!) so I'll add yours when I rotate!

Just a couple of little things I noticed in chapter 2 (read to 3, no other edits!) - you switch to present tense when Mackenzie is drinking her lemonade, but everything else is past tense.

How does she know A.J is watchign her walk away right at the end? Makes sense for third person, not so much for first.

Hi! I've had time to do two chapters, and I hope to do more later. I loved it, and the problems are mostly editorial stuff. :)
Chapter 7:
“Mother looked embalmed”: great term!
“Well let us go inside”: Add comma after “well”; it’s not really a part of the sentence “let’s go inside”
“I do not like”: “don’t”
“I asked A. J if it looked normal”: Add a period after J
“This is the big city, country boy. Here we make our own fries.”: What a delightful and unexpected comment!
“Two sisters, Clair and Erica”: The next time you say Clair, you spell it with an E, then back to without, then back to an E. Which is correct?
“Okay let’s see how fast…”: Add a comma after Okay.
“Leafs”: Spelling should be “leaves” (Leafs is only proper when saying “the oak leafs out in May”)
“Cheddar”: Add a period.
“I scooped the fries out of the fryer with a large fork, and…” no comma here.
“dinning room table”: Only one N for dining….
“want to drink Josh?”: yes, it looks funny that way, but it’s literally what you’re saying…add that comma!
“drinks into the dinning room”: again, only one N, not a double.
“The inside is tastes fine”: I think something’s missing here.
Missed the rain? Classic!
“Well I am going to work on it”: Yes, another comma after Well.
“band-aid”: A brand, so it should be capitalized.
Chapter 8:
“Sorry Mrs. Cook”: Add a comma after “sorry”
“The ball was held for a moment.”: “was held” slows down the action. Try something else.
“Mr. Summer’s desk”: Later on, you’re spelling it consistently as Mr. Summers. So the possessive should be “Summers’s”.
“liked to wear boots over dress shoes”: How exactly can that be done? Sounds interesting…
“I scoffed excitedly, and said”: If she is speaking sarcastically, it will be plainer to leave out “and said”.
“Well I think…” Add a comma after Well.
“No, its three…”: “It’s” with an apostrophe is correct here.
“Panic set in, as”: No comma here
“got together with that ape”: How cruel of her mother! Does she not even have the decency to refrain from calling her husband names to their child????
“plane settled onto the runaway, and…”: “runway” shouldn’t have an extra A, and there shouldn’t be a comma here.
“The peas were soggy, and…” No comma
“The ground drew closer, and…”/ “The wheels touched down, and”: in both of these sentences you don’t need commas. Actually, since they are in the exact same form, you might consider changing one for variety.
“The hotel was large, as excepted, and elegant…” Shouldn’t that be “expected”?
That large a hotel room in NY? It must have been a five-star!
“its no Tacoma”: Apostrophe in the it’s!
Hope the comments are helpful!
~Hannah

Hi Shaun,

Here as part of our swap and I've just finished chapter 5. Unfortunately I have to stop because my toddler has occupational therapy in fifteen minutes but I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed this! Wonderful story, honestly, I would purchase this book if it were in stores now!

I'll be back for more! Highly starred and saving some space on my shelf for it early next week!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

I have read chapters 7 and 8. It's going really well, and the story is building in a very interesting way. What a surprise the trip to NY was! I certainly wasn't expecting something like that to get in their way. Great job!
~Hannah

Hi, Shaun, I put 'Waiting for Rain' on my watch list, although romance & young adult aren't really my genres. It is lively and well written and I can imagine a large group of young readers who'd love it. I like the idea of getting away from the current popular teen-sex model. I plan to read more and give more specific comments when there is time, thanks much for the comments on "Polly".
Anne

Hi Shaun, I just started reading your book, and enjoyed the way you write. Also I like that you have paid attention to good grammar and punctuation. I'm sure it would be an enjoyable read for young people and I wish you good success.
I would like to make one suggestion. I had to read nearly all the prologue before I found out what was happening. You could change this just by moving two sentences.
"All my dreams, my whole life, had come crashing down on me. Hope was gone, and I felt completely alone." Start the prologue with this, and your readers will be plunged right into the story.

23 and 24 are very good chapters.
I like things are leading up to things.
Still they're laid back and easy to read.
Good work.
Can't wait to read more.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds