German Derelict

Shaun,
While doing their part to help stem nuclear proliferation, spooks Trevor and Autumn fall for each other and romance blooms. Meanwhile, North Korea is playing chicken with its nuclear testung, Iran is forging ahead with its uranium enrichment and Russian elements are selling nuclear assets to the highest bidder. Your clearcut descriptives drive a strong narrative, the dialogue conveying backstory, both enhancing the flow. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Chapter four: adds an interesting new perspective to the story. I loved the first paragraph; I could see Marsh.
The only problem is in the third paragraph. "Marshes", not "Marsh's"!!! Apostrophes don't form plurals. Adding -s or -es does.

Chapter three: also good. I like the final paragraph especially. It seems to hint what the rest of the books will be about!

Chapter two: hardly anything to improve. Great job...interesting!

Hiya Shaun, nice one! solid adventure/thriller tale. great geopolitical angle.
best wishes, andy

This is a great story for kids and I would buy it for my grandson. A good old fashioned tale, beginning with an exciting descriptive scene on the seas. You are flying up the ranks and I wish you luck. High stars!!

This is in the best traditions of an adventure story. Its what I call a 'boys' book but that doesnt make it any less of a page-turner! My son used to give me his finished books and while i cant recall the authors names, this reads in a similar and familiar style, so that I can easily see it adorning the airport book shelves.
Its hard to pick out any particular descriptions because they are all excellent, but I especially liked the opening sequence where the ship crested the heavy seas. Having been at sea, it brought it all back (but just a reminder that once a big wave is crested and the ship falls, it then 'wallows,' rolls side to side, tossed like a toy, before being swept up to the pinnacle of the next wave). Anyway, nit picking aside, great story, expertly told!
Andrea
The de Amerley affair

Shaun, I like your story and it is clear you have done your homework as you tell your story with such accuracy. I know there are some issues that have been listed below, but I feel that once you have tightened this up you will have a very good book on your hands. Well done and I will be scoring this high.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Hi Shaun,

I'll start by saying this is not my normal read.... however, jumping right into action is enough to sway me...

Personally, i like the descriptions - particularly once in Part 1

I've noticed other people comment on you comparing your novel to other authors... I'd consider doing this on your personal profile, and not so much your book. People had compared my book to Twilight (though i seriously still don't know why, it's not even paranormal, but hey ho, i'll take it as a compliment nonetheless) - this drew in some readers, but it also pushed many readers away. Having that right in the pitch for your book can turn many people off... but, as far as 'advice' goes - that's all i got, my friend!

Happy holidays,

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened - http://authonomy.com/books/47822/it-never-happened-a-max-cole-story/

hi Shawn,
I've read the prequel & 4 chapters so far.

Love the cover and title, liked the SP but not so sure about the LP - it didn't really grab me, especially for a book of action, maybe more 'power' words would help? eg, 'terror', 'horrific', 'race against time' etc (tho' not sure what would fit without reading whole book).

Prologue
The action is great and the situation you describe very tense but it is described rather than shown, and i didn't really get fully engaged with it, or with the characters mentioned. I think I would have got on with it better if it had been told from one person's point of view, maybe the Japanese ship's Captain - although that is only a very subjective opinion.

Part 1
Your descriptions and use of language is excellent, very evocative, and finally a character's point of view! And a well-described character too with good insights into her character. This makes a massive difference for me and reads so much better - now I'm engaged with the book.
I like your short chapters, you employ great & effective hooks, and your writing is very polished. This is pacy, action-packed, full of threat & suspense, emotive, plausible and exciting with great characters (I especially liked the interplay between Ressel and Knight).
Apart from the prologue, this is near perfect and I found it hard to break off long enough to write a comment - I will be back to read the rest.
Based on what I've read so far, I think you're doing yourself a disservice comparing yourself to Clive Cussler - stick to Tom Clancy :)!
6 stars and I will back when there is room on my shelf - well done.

I would be very interested to hear what you think about An Ill Wind at some point if you have time:
http://authonomy.com/books/48436/an-ill-wind/
Thank you
Karen

Shaun
Tahnk you for your support of Tales for Children. It is much appreciated. I have read some of your work it is not really my genere but I liked it. It took me a while to get into it but once I'd read a couple of chapters I found myself really getting into it. As far as I can see it is well researched and well written. High stars from me for now and going on my WL.
Best wishes
Brian.

German Derelict By Shaun Holt. 500 words.

Hi Shaun,
Had a read of the above and offer some feedback.
SP.
As the subject of the first sentence is 'Trevor,' then maybe (after saving life..., Trevor Knight must work with Autumn to stop....).
LP.
1). You mention Clive Cussler/Tom Clancy. Your potential reader may not know them or worse, may not like their books.
2). Maybe omit 'spanning,' 'from mountains of Iran (maybe because you mention Chicago specifically you should pin-point the areas of the other countries e.g which mountains of Iran, which area of Somalia, Austria) to etc etc. Otherwise this may come over as a someone who only knows the US geography.
3). The sentence, 'Will they be able to put their differences aside...could have two implications. First, to prevent a nuclear war. Second, their blossoming romance. It's hard to tell.

Chapter 1.
1). There's a lot of introductory information here (on the Authonomy page). Prologue/Chapter 1.
Prequel (had to look this up). Quote: this would only make sense to me if I read Job 12.6.
Feb 2009. South China Sea. (I have noted somewhere that there is a convention regarding time and place. I have probably done the same in my own novel so will make an effort to track it down.).
2). What is a 'resilient' vessel?
3). Not sure about the first sentence. Should there be a comma after 'back?' Lay down the big hit. (Meaning?).
4). 'Gravity raised its ugly head. (or just 'took over.).
5). 'Lighting off a nuclear bomb? (do you mean 'exploding?).
6). Japan is near to Korea. I would have thought the missile dropped somewhere in mid pacific, before Pearl.
7). 'A swift call?' (Or swift calls?).
8). In 2009, as today, I don't think the countries identified would be in agreement on anything.
9). Maybe 'Not even....after the resolution WAS the derelict vessel.'
10). Derelict. "A vessel abandoned at sea."
11). 'China didn' (missing t).
12). You state that China didn't want to deter their Ally. This contradicts your earlier statement.
13). 'Germany definitely a first in their history.' (meaning?).
14). Maybe easier for reader if 'war between South Korean backed US forces or something.
15). Maybe'The ship rising like a mighty Phoenix.
16). Ocean had 'tamed' a little?
17). The only news broadcasters interested in world affairs are US. Maybe Al Jazerra or
18) From literally raping the hell out of Korea and China... Your view is becoming insular. How about the remainder of the Far East? Singapore, Phillipines etc.
19). The answer to OUR problem. Do you mean US problem?
20). My ignorance. What is the War on Terror? (As related to the story so far).
21). I don't think Idia's family details fit with this World Wide prologue.
I'm going to stop here as this may not be the feedback you want and, unfortunately, most of my feedbacks don't attract return reads. But there you go. It might be worth giving the above some thought.
I would like to have read more but I know I would be bogged down making notes.
Chris. Sorting it Out.

Hi Shaun, I read the first chapter following your invitation on the forum.

I found this interesting and informative. I liked the mention of the fact that even naval officers in action have families they care for. The writing seems rather polished and well researched. One criticism - I would have liked to see a little more of the introductory event before you start explaining the global facts and background. I was just getting into the scene and then it jumps somewhere else. Maybe you could expand on what happens on board. Otherwise no qualms with the subject matter or the detailed info. You seem to know your stuff.

While I eventually worked out what you are talking about I had to re-read the first sentence to get the drift. It is a bit incomprehensible for people who don't follow rugby, but maybe I'm the only one here, who doesn't :-)) The first sentence is so important in a novel, so maybe you could consider making it more accessible to sports ignoramuses like me.

The Iraq scene starts with a lovely, poetic description of nature. I hope that there will be more of these little gems woven into the story to lighten up the heaviness of war. The chapter ends with an expected hook, but when it comes, it causes a bit of adrenaline and does the trick. Best wishes with this.

This is much more of a male orientated book, although we are introduced to Autumn early on.
I have recommended it on the Dude Lit thread. I hope you don't mind. Publicity is always good.
You are certainly clued up or well researched on your History and Geography, combining it with a great writing style and imagination.
The Amber-eyed American lost his image and appeal to me when he said his name was Trevor. Sadly I see Trevor as the name of the boy that is always picked last for a sports team. It's probably because all the Trevors I've known have been spotty, dorky people lads that are now fat, dorky men. Maybe not the case where you come from, so we won't worry to much.
The information in chapter 4 was very interesting and talk of battleships, SAS, SBS and pirates add to the tension entwined in the background and politics of the whole thing.
It's a very well written and edited story. I didn't spot any typos. The pace works well and keeps the pages turning.
I've high starred it and it'll be on my shelf next shuffle.
Take care, Jes.

Hello,
Autho Ch 1: I wasn’t keen on the football analogy in the beginning (I assume that’s what it is…?). As a European, I’m not familiar with the sport, and I struggle to picture a ‘running back’. I didn’t think your description of the boat and the storm really needed this analogy. You’ve got a good description there anyway. The football comparison is almost too much.

You’ve got ‘calling for some action’ in relation to the UK. It sounded a little bit too informal to me. Maybe delete the ‘some’?

The statement of Germany not wanting war for the first time in their history will be quite offensive to your German readers.

‘Although she was eight years his junior, she had none the less borne him two beautiful daughters’ – Why ‘nonetheless’? It doesn’t seem odd to me that she’s eight years younger (not a big age difference), or that she’s given birth to two girls.

There are a lot of political references in the beginning that require the reader to really pay attention, and it was nice to switch to the hiking scene.

Ch 2: ‘mystical set of amber eyes’ – not too sure about that one. May read better without the ‘mystical’?

I like chapter 2 more than chapter 1. There are people here that I can identify with, and I can read in a more relaxed manner.

This isn’t my usual genre, so I don’t know if I can be much use. Hopefully, you’ll find some of my comments helpful.

Jessica

Shaun,
My wife suggested that I would like your book being a Clive Cussler and Dirk Pitt fan. I love the start of your book. I liked the sentence about CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC. Funny but probably what would happen in real life. I like that the president likes playing "gold." I am enjoying your book and will be reading more. Reading to support my wife, Faith Rose. Thanks Shaun. Good luck with the book. I will write more as I read more.

My Boy's Daddy

Hi Shaun,

What a great story! I read your first three chapters and can already see a real winner here! My hubby (a huge Clive Cussler/Dirk Pit) fan would really love this. You have intrigue, current/"historical" events, rich characterization, and even a wonderful witty humor ("President Buck Rhamsie...master orator..golf course"). Loved it! I was personally engaged in the budding romance between Autumn and Trevor, and I loved the tight, clean dialogue in chapter three with Ressell. Great stuff! I am going to recommend this to my hubby... I know he is going to love it!

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Hey Shaun!

I've taken a good look at your prologue and Chapter 1. I know you wanted me to look at your British character, but I'm not sure when to find him/her. If you want me to take a specific look at that character, send me a message telling me the chapter(s) I can find him.
You've created a very vivid world here with a lot of detail, and your description is often poetic.
My main areas for improvement are as follows (and you are free to ignore as many of them as you wish, they're all subjective after all):
You start with a very long sentence that is quite difficult for the reader to follow. It seems to be a simile but I'm not quite sure what it is that you're comparing the 'powering through the ocean' to. I'd suggest going back and taking a look at it, just to be sure that you've got your word order right.
Your first four paragraphs are also very similar in length and subject. As this is the beginning of your novel and you want to immediately capture your reader, I'd suggest breaking it up a little, varying the lengths. Perhaps adding in a single sentence, or combining a couple of the paragraphs together.
I just spotted a typing error - 'China didn' want to deter their ally'
Just wondered why 'noodle soup in a light-brown broth' is in bold? Probably for your own editing benefit or something but I thought I'd better point it out in case you haven't seen it.
I loved 'He then withdrew to his favourite golf course.' Very cynical!
Once the dialogue gets rolling, your pace is great. I feel perhaps that this could happen sooner, or you could even think about starting with it - throwing the reader into the action and then explaining the backstories. I know it's a prologue, but it's still where the reader is going to start, and you have to get their attention immediately.
And the same with Chapter 1. Get straight into the story - start talking about the woman - and then explain why she's there.
Your description and detail is superb. If I could improve this at all, though, I would say include more about the characters' emotions themselves - but remember, I'm a YA writer, so my writing is basically ALL about the characters' emotions (therefore you might not want to take much notice of this!)
I think this is really great writing for anyone who's into military fiction.
Well done, and good luck!

Alice

You asked me to take a look at this again. I decided to start at the first chapter again, since I'd mostly mentioned the grammar, etc, before. It catches the attention right away, and so far I like how you did it. The two parts are fine, showing that it will be a complex story, and ending with Autumn's gives us reason to want to read on. There's a lot of explanations just where it's needed, and the descriptions are well balanced. Plot-wise, I don't see anything that needs changing.
~Hannah

Hi! Here I am to comment. I've read the whole first chapter. I didn't see a whole lot of stuff to correct, so I mostly made suggestions on how to better it. I like the pacing and the style of writing.
Fashionable the first lady dressed: “Fashionably dressed” or “how fashionable she was”
“Although she was eight years his junior, she had nevertheless…”: this is kind of awkward. It would be more surprising if she were eight years his senior, or if the fragile part was in this sentence and the eight years younger part in the previous. Younger women throughout the ages have borne children to their husbands. I even have one friend whose husband is 20 years older than her, and they have two children now. Of course 20 years is more unusual, but socially America, with so many couples of the same age, is more of an exception to the rule.
“Even though they still opposed…they maintained…”: if you diagram this sentence, you will see why “also their honor” does not belong. Try rephrasing it, or just adding “and” instead of “also”.
“Afternoon snack”: if it’s noodle broth, where’d he get the sandwich?
Section 2
“Amid a mild breeze and the sun being…”: this sentence is awkward. “amid” and “being” don’t match. Verbs within a sentence must match each other. The rest of the paragraph, though, is incredible. The word picture is beautiful!
“An attractive woman with little debate”: Does she not debate people? I think you have your modifier out of place here!
“For now, it remained playing, somewhat loudly too”: I think “continued” would be better than “remained”.
“vanished the moment she became conscience of it”: “Conscious”, not “conscience”
“the ease in which she could down the whole bottle”: instead say, “ease…with which”.
Hope that's all helpful!
~Hannah

German Derelict. You sure know how to write pitches. And Clive Cussler and Tom Clancy are two of my favourites.

Ch.1. That is one lengthy convoluted first sentence - maybe needing at least a comma or two to make better sense?
Rahter lengthy back-story, too (but I enjoyed the veiled humour). Perhaps the action could be brought to the fore, and the political bits seeded in seamlessly - to ensure continual captivation of reader interest?
You leave a nice hook at the end of the chapter, and I am compelled onwards.

Ch.2. A well-described hold-up, with a tinge of romance and humour. And when you refine away the cumbersom words and phrases, it will flow beautifully. For example: 'The hunters were now outnumbered and defenceless, and Autumn was left open-mouthed.' - Or something similar.

Ch.3. You dont need to attribute every line of dialogue.

But your plot is unfolding nicely, and you leave tantalising little hooks at the end of chapters.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hello,
I started reading German Derelict and from the start, I find the story confusing and a difficult read.
1. Prequel: paragraph one: If this was simpler then it would set the scene better. I found myself visualizing the football player instead of visualizing the intense storm and rocking ship. Sometimes less is more.
2. Prequel: Why did the Australian government report it? Why was it that important to them and who did they report it to? Who did they hear “the speculations from?”
3. Prequel: With all the terrorism in the world I am not sure an American President would laugh at such an incident. As an aircraft mechanic when the Koreans did set off a missile under water a few years back the Air Force sent a “sniffer” plane (which I had worked on) to sniff the air and determine if it truly was nuclear so I just don’t find it believable that a President would laugh off this incident.
4. Prequel: I really like your character Iida Takeshi.
5. Prequel: Forsaking blinded pacifism…… needs to read “forsaking blind pacifism”
6. Prequel: I don’t know what an Arleigh Burke class destroyer is so even though you likened the Atago to it, as a reader I still am clueless.
7. Prequel: Munitions?
8. Prequel: Who was Iida quoting?
9. Part One: the paragraph, amid a mild breeze…too much graphics leaves the mind muddled. But only the first sentence; the rest of the paragraph reads easily.

I have to be honest for I believe honesty is what we all need. The cover is appealing…calling out to the browser to choose me, I have a story to tell; but after I would read the opening I would probably put it back on the shelf because of the following reasons:
1. Too much descriptive scenery
2. Too many big words that I have no clue what they mean
3. The flow, in my opinion, is choppy and I get lost.

I feel bad in writing this but I am going to stop here and tell you I hope you keep in mind I am just one reader out of many and just because I didn’t find this story to my liking doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who do.
Keep writing; stay encouraged; I hope this helps

K Meador
Journey to Freedom/The Chamber

I've only finished the prequel. Your writing there was quite excellent, and I have only a few comments to make.
"how fashionable": should be fashionably.
“forty-seven-year-old”: needs hyphens. “forty-seven” alone must always be hyphenated, and any time you use “__ year-old” the whole phrase is so interdependent that it functions as a single word.
“The bridge was entirely quiet of…”: “quiet of” is an awkward expression, and I’m not sure it’s grammatically correct. What about saying “devoid of”?
“Voicing affirmative…”: add “an” or “his” after “voicing” – you need an article here
“Government that treats its people so bad…”: badly—please don’t deprive your adverb of its “ly”.
When I began to read about Autumn, there were a number of rather awkward sentences that I noticed. I'll return later with some suggestions on how to fix them, after I've thought over it a bit.
This is really an interesting beginning. Now I can't decide which of your books is the better one....
~Hannah

l like your narrative...descriptive...and a joy to read: this makes it a good book.
l have backed your book.
read SEASONS...

Hey, sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, I read to chapter three .

The Pitch:
I don’t really like that you included two different author’s that this book is like, it’s just too much. Maybe drop out “And Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan books”. It just takes a bit too much attention away from German Derelict.

Prequel:
I’m not sure I like the beginning part. It seems a bit complicated.
“The resilient vessel powered through the ocean swells like a running back breaking tackles from defenders trying to wrap up his legs or hold him long enough for someone to lay down the big hit”
Maybe just, “The resilient vessel powered through the ocean swells like a running back breaking the tackles from the defenders” or something like that.
The long simile distracts from the fact that we’re on a boat.
I like the details, it’s interesting. I like that you included some things about Captain Iida Takeshi because it gives the reader someone to connect to.

Chapter One:
I liked it. Well placed details, interesting start, nice descriptions.
Only complaint I have is the last sentence. “She then discovered that the two soldiers had not only reappeared, but where menacingly waving the barrels of their weapons at her.”
I think the last bit of it could have a little more impact if you cut on menacingly and replaced weapons with “guns” or “rifles”.
Weapon is a technical word, so it’s a bit less scary, I think .

Chapter Two:
“He spoke with playful resolve. “Don’t you assholes know you should not mess with a chick who can throw a fine right jab?””
I find it a bit unbelievable that someone would have playful resolve when there are guns around. There should also be a comma instead of a period after resolve, I think.
I don’t know, I just feel like all three of the Americans are just a little too relaxed. I haven’t read far enough to learn more about Knight and Ressel, so I can’t say that’s unbelievable, but it does come off as ominous, awesome if that’s what you were going for.
Chapter Three:
““But wouldn’t it have been smarter to send those bad guys the other way?””
I thought it was weird that she called them “bad guys”. Maybe just “guys”.
I like that you explained how Ressel got behind the men.
I think the argument between the guys is funny at times such as when, “I suppose that was an insult on my account,”
You show they have a nice relationship with their bantering throughout the chapter.

You've got a pretty good story here. :)

Shaun,
This is your best writing on here. I like the way you word things and how you develop them. It has a lot of thought behind it with great ideas coming alive on the pages.
At time there is a little bit too much info, but it is good to have that in here.
The way you portray your character has such a fine description that the reader knows just what you are saying.
You have done a super grand job with this book.
I like the cover and title a whole lot.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi Shaun, I've read all your chapters and as promised I've read it objectively. As you know I was brought up in Iran (although my parents are English). I'm presuming the characters in this book are Americans. The first huge problem I have is Autumn actually being in Iran. US citizens are not allowed individual visas to Iran under any circumstances and can only enter as part of escorted tours.

The second problem I have is that even if she were not American then she wouldn't be allowed to travel around without a local guide. The idea of an American woman in the remote mountains of Iran eating sandwiches, with no hotel room booked is, for me, a suspension of disbelief too far. I know it's fiction but I think you have the makings of a great story here and it would be a shame if as early as chapter 2 readers were saying 'well that could never happen.' Just thinking off the top of my head, could Autumn be a different nationality and maybe her guide runs off when the armed men appear?

On to more specific stuff -

England/English - use UK or Great Britain or even just Britain. Using England means you are just referring to one part of the Union and in international matters the union acts together. Likewise, instead of English use British

I used to teach English to Japanese businessmen and I can't see any of them eating a bologna sandwich on sourdough. Maybe something a little more Japanese?

'blinded pacifism' - maybe blind pacifism


Self-muttering - would ' muttering to himself under his breath' read better?
year 'round - the apostrophe isn't needed

Persian - there is no such language as Persian and you wouldn't ever use the word 'Persian' in Iran - no wonder them men were cross!, It would always be Iranian. There are 50 odd different dialects in Iran but the main language is Farsi and this would certainly be spoken in the Tehran area so I would suggest using this

An Iranian would never refer to the Persian Gulf. To them it is the Iranian Gulf. Iranians don't use the word 'Persian'.

The President's name is not Iranian. The Iranians are not Arabs and the name has a distinct Arab sound to it. Iranian names typically end in 'i', 'eh' and 'ad' i'e Ahmadi, Djavadizadeh, Ahmedinadjad. I'll be honest, it sounds a bit cartoonish and has a distinct whiff of Barack Obama to it! If you google iranian surnames you'll find loads that you could use.

SAS - this is the equivalent of Delta Force rather than Navy Seals. The SBS, which you mention later on is the British equivalent of the Navy Seals

Hope this helps. Feel free to use it or disregard it as you see fit. If you have any questions I can help you with about Iran, feel free to ask. There are many misconceptions about Iran and its people in the West and it would be good to be able to keep them out of your writing. All the best with this

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Author Shaun Holt paints a very real picture od what our future may hold. The characters are stellar and the detail just envelops you. Anytime you mention Tom Clancy or Clive Cussler you need to mention German Derelict as well. This has the makings of a bestseller. And to only call this a book is an insult, German Derelict is an experience.

Neal Sayatovich
Love, Fear and Holy War