Tales of Euphoria

Hi Briauna,

I didn't have to read much further than the first chapter to know that I was going to enjoy this. Well-written, love the premise, great characters. This is the genre I write in and I would be proud of this if it was mine. There are a few typos here and there but nothing an edit won't sort (I've just re-read through my own and noticed a few too so you're not alone.)

Annie,
Scarlett and the Soul Thief.

Hi Briauna! Love the genre, liking what I read so far. Also loved your profile. :-)
On Watch List for now...

blessings,
Jim
London in Love

Briauna,

I have read some of you first chapters.
There is a comical air about your writing that I quite like (sort of tongue-in-cheek feel).
I don't think the story is for me, but I do appreciate your style, so will rate it accordingly.

I found the following:
The following sentence "...are concerned with the things that truly matters in a woman." there should not be an s on "matters"

"Than" should be "then" in "...if Cinderella could catch some noble’s eye than surely, with her exquisite nose..."

This feels wrong in a couple of ways "I will be there to brush your bangs out that fat face of your soon enough." If I might suggest "I will be there to brush your bangs out OF that fat face of yourS soon enough."

The following needs "been" between "have" and "rendered" - "...for I have rendered blind by my long..."

Best wishes
Warrick

Shaun, you are right, I do tend to tell rather than show. That is something I am working on changing in my second draft. Also, I liked the points you made about how I phrased the banishing bit and the close of the chapter. However, the story isn't actually about Cinderella...this first section is just a prologue to help set the tone of the rest of the story...so I'm not sure if your feelings about it would change if you read the rest of the story. I appreciate you reading this and your feedback :).

Hi Briauna.

I like the premise; a light-hearted satirical tale that pokes fun at fairy tales and trends.

You use the word "was" too much in the third sentence. "She WAS born in Suburbia shortly after her father, who WAS once royalty, WAS banished from Euphoia for 'petty thinking'. That needs revised.

You use "was" a few more times. This kind of gives the impression that you are telling the reader, rather than showing them (show don't tell).

"You are banished to Hollywood, a small sector of Suburbia," sounds like more catch-up with the reader. Telling this character that they are banished is a strong point in the sentence, but you follow it up with saying where Hollywood is located. That kind of dulls the suspense. Its kind of like saying, "You are banished from here, and sent to Beijing... Which is in China." I would switch it around. i.e. "You are hereby banished to Suburbia, to the hamlet of Hollywood." That way it builds on itself. Not only is he banished to Suburbia, but to Hollywood of all places!!!

"Many things happened.... Lady Radley died giving birth to Cinderella." Again you are telling, not showing. Cinderella being an orphan is a key part of her character, right? So make it more powerful than simply saying, "her mother died."

"a long but interesting tale" ... Okay, but do we get ot hear any of it? If it is really a long and interesting tale, maybe THAT is the one we should be reading. Of course I've only read the first chapter, but have you considered making this two separate books? i.e. one book of Cinderella's birth, another of his life later on (which I assume is the focus of your present book). I don't know much of Cinderella's father, I don't think that has been explored much in the films and books (if at all). That may be your best selling point. How did Cinderella become the abused and neglected girl that we saw in the cartoons? That seems like an area you can explore. If it is really "a long and interesting tale", maybe you should write it.

I love getting the mustache caught in the wheel of a carriage. That is a wonderful image, and shows that you will indeed "poke fun at fairy tales." Again, all this might be better used if you actually write 10 pages or so on Cinderella's parents. If she is an orphan throughout the book, it would be nice to see her family before they were banished. It seems like you have a lot of ripe material here to explore, but instead you are jumping too eagerly to get to Cinderella's life. If you don't want to write much about her parents, then I would suggest starting the book with Cinderella already grown up (however old she is in your book). Begin with the Cinderella we know and (hopefully) love. So as she is cleaning the mud off Gertrude's shoes, she tells us that this wasn't the kind of life she was supposed to have. Her father was royalty. They lived over in Suburbia. etc. Just suggestions. You can totally ignore them if you want.

"and so the important part of the story, will now begin." .... So you are saying that everything I just read was unimportant? The point of a start of a book is to draw a reader in. You do not start with stuff that doesn't matter. If all that stuff "isn't important", then cut it out. If your story doesn't REALLY begin until after the episode with the glass slipper, then start there. I'd like to read more about her origins. I like the idea that Cinderella was posing as the maid, to make it appear that the family was wealthier than they actually were.

I'm curious to read the next chapter. But it makes me question the point of that whole first chapter. If its important, you have to explore it deeper. If it is unimportant, leave it out, and find a different way to begin the story. For instance it seems that the people of Euphoria want to rebel when they see Prince Philip falling for a peasant girl. Maybe that is where you should begin. We thought Cinderella and the Prince would be happy ever after, but we didn't know the floodgate of problems this relationship would incite. Maybe that is where you begin.

I'll try to read more soon. I'm eager to see what you do with it.