New London Masquerade

Hi

I really liked this story. It felt like fast paced story telling where you want to turn the page and see what happens next and I love the exploration into the darker corners of man's soul and the underlying messages.

Robyn Day - Seeing the Light of Day

Hi Rian,
I just came across your book, read your pitch and checked the first four chapters so that I could send you feedback on my first impressions.

Your main characters are very-well fleshed out and your story-telling skills summit at times. I liked the first chapter for its original layout and the dialogue parts are interesting.

The letter at the second chapter is a killer one, so full of emotions and some of your words stayed with me. The third and the fourth chapter is in a good shape and I think you've done a great job in balancing dialogue with description here.

The pace is timely and your voice is smooth yet dynamic at the same time. It's easy to follow.

I liked the core concept behind your book and gave you high stars! I'll keep New London Masquerade in my Watch List for further comments.

Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins - Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Rian,

Although a YA writer, I am a big fan of thriller/horror novels and this certainly didn't disappoint. Great intro and the momentum stays there - it really does hold your attention. I'm glad you've uploaded so many chapters as I'm keen to read on as you've created a fantastic set of characters here.

Highly starred!

Lee :-)
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

I found another favourite book, New London Masquerade. Your writing is entertaining, intriquing and gripping. The power of 'Devin'. When you publish I need hard copy

recommended

Wow, I love this, I enjoy horror and fantasy so much, I hadn't checked it out fully and really glad I have now.
Fantastic, and great writing. Best of luck.
Saera
'The Wizard of Crescent Keep'
'The Count's Remorse'

This is a wild and mysterious book. It is too paranormal for me but I can imagine that those who enjoy the genre would love this. Well written though I cannot tell if all the strange use of words is intentional.

Rian, Apologies if this isnt a critique. I am an inexperienced writer who can only tell you how much I liked or disliked your book. I can only judge a book by what it makes me feel like and how much I wanted to read it. What I can promise you is that I read three chapters of it and offer my opinion on that basis.
The reason I chose this book is because it had the word 'Masquerade' in the title. I am going to my first ball on Saturday night so when I saw your title I had to have a read. Having read the chapters I felt your voice was the right voice for this book and had it been someone else I dont know if it would have worked. I enjoyed your book and to be perfectly honest, I didnt think I would as it fell way out of what I would normally read. The flow to it was brilliant as was the premise behind the tale. You have such a way with words and of course for getting a message across that not only engages the reader but makes them want to read more. I wish you all the luck in the world and I score this high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Many thanks. Sean

New London Masquerade

A great story and a good plot. The characters stand out. You got me hooked and I wanted to read more and more, I had to stop because of other pressures. Well done!

I think you can improve the manuscript enormously with some small changes:

I believe there are too many dashes. I prefer to use dashes when you want to set off something that deserves a lot of attention. IMO

The letter of chapter 2 is far too long. IMO a shorter letter, without explaining everything, might add some mystery.

Some minor points:
Chapter 1, second sentence, change ‘did not come unwound’ to ‘didn’t unwind’
Chapter 1, paragraph 7, ‘… he (was) free of her …’
Chapter 1, ‘between a rock and a heart place’: Surely one would always choose a heart place rather than a rock which is why the idiom uses ‘hard’ not ‘heart’ because then the choice is difficult.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Hi

I really liked this story. It felt like fast paced story telling where you want to turn the page and see what happens next and I love the exploration into the darker corners of man's soul and the underlying messages.

Robyn Day - Seeing the Light of Day

I really enjoyed reading some of your chapters. Well, at the end of chapter 1 what choice did I have? I had to dip into chapter 2. Glad I did. It was action packed. The poor girl though. The conversation in chapter 3 with the old man was very nice. All in all I loved what I have read so far.

Highly starred.

Alice.

Hi Rian,
Just read two chapters of NLM. I like your style - dark, moody, interesting, otherwordly. I'll read more when I have time. I've added this book to my watchlist.

Keep at it,
M.J ( The Magpie King )

Hey Rian,

Very absorbing indeed. I wasn't sure where this was going at first with the corpse dancing with the wulf. Was this a zombie book, or a vampire book, neither of those, it's something far more interesting. A group of teenagers turned into the masks they were wearing for Halloween by Seth's semi-evil grandfather. A grandfather who seems to be caught in a web of dark magic. I'm still not sure what poor Sadie is, what mask was she wearing that night? Barb sounds like she was wearing a super hero mask.

I only read the first two chapters but they're highly polished. There was only one grammatic thing in chp 2 you might look at:

"I'm not saying it's right to you, but it is just to me." might be better as "I'm not saying it's right for you, but it is just for me."

Very cool book indeed.

Best Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

Hi Rian,
I just came across your book, read your pitch and checked the first four chapters so that I could send you feedback on my first impressions.

Your main characters are very-well fleshed out and your story-telling skills summit at times. I liked the first chapter for its original layout and the dialogue parts are interesting.

The letter at the second chapter is a killer one, so full of emotions and some of your words stayed with me. The third and the fourth chapter is in a good shape and I think you've done a great job in balancing dialogue with description here.

The pace is timely and your voice is smooth yet dynamic at the same time. It's easy to follow.

I liked the core concept behind your book and gave you high stars! I'll keep New London Masquerade in my Watch List for further comments.

Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins - Ten Deep Footprints

Rian - I can't wait to read the rest of this book. I really love the characters, the dark, moody tone of this whole piece, and the frank and unafraid way that you portray your people. The world is interesting, the story is intense, and I want to keep going. Good luck and I will be seeing more of you on this site, I'm sure.

Solian Chronicles. This isnt my genre, but I can appreciate the skill of your opening dialogue, revealing the characters with no ambiguity about who is speaking the lines.

Do you want nits? Perhaps you dont need unnecessary words like before long, still, soon, almost (Ch.2) suddenly (Ch.3) always.

Love that line when Devin is caught between a rock and a heart place.
There is something wispy and ethereal about your writing which makes me want to continue...

Ch.2-3. Your tale of the pursuit of Seth is vividly told. I had to read twice to work out if Callow had been transported upward by the lizard before its death, but still dont know.
Is this a sequel book? There are some gaps in the back story - or perhaps you are purposely keeping the reader in ignorance.

You certainly know how to hook your reader onwards.
Thankyou for your support of mine - and sorry I took so long to get here.

Jane.

Good descriptions and great characters so far, I'm enjoying the read and have read the first two chapters. Will comment more if there's a need, later on
Lots of stars and on my shelf. Good work
sandy.

This book is certainly interesting. I don't think I've ever really read anything like it. It has a great pace, and there is plenty to interest the reader and keep them hooked. The writing is good as well; the only thing is I'm not sure about all the hyphens, in places I feel that they should be commas, but this could just be a style difference. The characters are believable, even though the world they exist in seems a very crazy place, which is a testament to the writing.

Best of luck with this,
Phoenix Grey
Shadow of the Moon

Hi Ryan, Read up to chapter 3. Good story telling. Not my usual kind of book, but it's enjoyable. Good job.

LaRonda
Anticipation of the Penitent

Hey Rian,
Seen as how I've got you on my friends, I thought it was time I read your work. You certaintly haven't disappointed. Your description of the story was great, it had be gripped, and then I started reading. I wasn't sure if you had just exaggerated in the description, but I was wrong! Your characters are great, and I really like the plot. I'm definitely backing this, and I hope to finish the book soon!
Josh Hodge
Legends of Xerio

Although not my type of book, it is very well written. The author captivates the audience and keeps them turning the pages to find out what happens next. It really is a good book. You definitely have some talent Rian.

New London Masquerade captures my interest immediately with the story of love and loss, deepens my curiosity with the ancient London legends, and hooks me with the Sadie’s kidnapping. Fast and thrilling. One to watch. Backed and starred. Rosalind Barden, American Witch

Good story man, I spent a lot of the day reading it and am getting pulled in.

This is a good science fiction/thriller for young adults. The love story of Devin and Blake is charming and their efforts to assist the Ripjoys in fighting the Devilbillies are both exciting and courageous. The pace of your book is very good. The plot captivates the reader and the action holds one spellbound. Your characters are well-developed, likeable and your dialogue contributes nicely to the story.

Nit piking: I'd suggest you work on your grammar and, especially, your use of punctuation as they detract a bit from the plot. Otherwise your writing style is very lyrical and you obviously have talent and the makings of an excellent writer. Best wishes as you continue to develop your story and your writing skills. :-) Pat

Hi Rian,
I've read three chapters of your book and I frankly couldn't go on. Not that the story isn't good or intriguing, because from the little that I read, I know it is, and I did try to get into it. It's just that I cannot -- bring myself to -- ignore all the -- overwhelming dashes you've -- weaved into the text. They are, to me, a sad distraction to an original story, an unfortunate bullish spoil to your work and I just don't understand their (again) overwhelming uses!
That said, I command you for well-worked-out dialogues and the characters are very sympathetic. I'm sure I'll be able to get drawn in should you work all those dashes out.
I also couldn't bring myself to read the letters you've introduced to the book. I didn't read Bram Stoker's Dracula for that very reason, but it's just a personal preference, nothing wrong there.
Some of your sentences need reworking as well.
Just a few exemples:
"He was almost about to begin prowling the yard." -- ALMOST-- is unnecessary there = He was about to begin...
"Sadie, I'm coming", he thought to himself." -- When someone thinks, it's always to himself.--
"He tracked them along highway 88, until their sole impressions ended -- and he cursed himself for not acting sooner, for they had likely now hitched a ride and were outpacing him every moment he wasted waiting." -- Try this: He followed their trail along hwy. 88 until their tracks disappeared in the dirt. He cursed himself for not having acted sooner as he knew they had most likely hitched a ride, outpacing him while he'd wasted time..."
"But Blake was just a blank slate from all the booze -- and you could tell he never absorbed anything that you were saying, so it was not really dialogue -- for you knew it all passed out the other ear every heartbeat." Using 'you' in a narrative isn't good form. ---Try this: But Blake's mind was virtually blank from all the booze he consumed and could never remember anything he was told, turning everything anyone could tell him into a monologue."
Obviously, my corrections are at your discretion and presently just quickly formulated.
Also, may I ask why you decided to pattern certain paragraphs into poem form? I'm sorry, I guess I don't understand your style.
Still though, as I mentioned, I like the story and the plot.
Continue your efforts, the book is worthwhile and I'm putting it in my Watch List as I'll be coming back to it in the hopes of being able to read it in its entirety.
I'm not rating it yet, for obvious reasons.

Interesting premise, werewolves and witches and aliens, exactly the kind of thing I'd look for on a book store shelf. The writing style is different, and though it was not my personal favorite, I think it will be a draw for others because I know more than a few readers who like the more artistic and a less linear flow, and just because it isn't to my taste doesn't mean I can't see the appeal, or tha talent. It's a story that touches on what's popular, yet is unique enough to not be lost amidst the rest. Good luck.

Rian
I really like reading different storylines in a book which are not the same. I can honestly tell u, ur book is not the same vampire, wolf, or witch story. It is very different. :) It has a very strong storyline between Devin, Sadie, and Barb. I love the different characters and their emotion and the descriptions of the different places u describe. A job well done. :)

Gripping and tense story plot.
Really different ideas in this.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I just read the first chapter of your book -and though, admittedly, horror is not my favorite genre, your writing is gripping and intriguing. There are a lot of subtleties and complexities that would be interesting to see unfolded.

Interesting-a love triangle between a werewolf, a witch, and a mummy. I love writing that's dialogue-driven such as this. It almost reads like a script.

I'm wondering how decomposed Sadie has become, and whether any acts of necrophilia between Dev and herself are logistically possible if she's being held together.

I really like unique plots such as this. Good work.

Inhale, exhale. I needed that. The battle which featured in chapter 17 is fierce.

I'm gripped on your story. I dip in here and there from time to time

Hi Ya,
I have started to read your book...
Because of the style and formatting well written...i have scored it 6..
will let you know at the appropriate time about the story...
Olga`13

This had been a rather good read. Lovely structure, well paced. Has a got a well polished feel to it.
I hope to read more later.

I don't usually read horror and fantasy, although I have a serial killer book that is under consideration from a publisher that could classify as horror, but it's not what I usually write. However, you have put together a good set of characters and your narrative is perfect for this kind of book. I wish I had time to read it all. Maybe after my book goes where it will go and I have time. I'm giving you five stars on the belief that the rest of the book is written as well as the first chapter. My bookshelf is full, but I may rearrange it in two weeks. Good luck. Let us know when it is published.

lntellegent writing style for this book. very good sci-fi...
and l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Now that I have re-orientated my self ( you writing comes out of left field, thank you for that!) It is to me an extremely singular way of story telling and this sets you apart. I have been reading your book for the last four days when real life does not intervene. I love the original style and I think it will do well with lovers of a Gothic edge.

Colleen

enjoyed chapter one. i felt that the dialogue was realistic. it flowed nicely and gave away just enough about sadie and devins predicament to get the reader interested in the rest of the book. the imagery was also strong, i got a sense of what the scenes looked like. i will read on as i want to find out what has happened to sadie. watchlisted and waiting for space on my bookshelf.

Unique style of writing that takes a little while to get used to...but once you are..you're hooked.
Just proves that the norm isn't always necessarily right.
Bram Stoker proved that with Dracula.
Will go down well with both modern and original gothic horror lovers.
Highly starred for originality.
David

Your horror story horrified me. But its all good because I love those stuff.

Your horror story horrified me. But its all good because I love those stuff.

Your horror story horrified me. But its all good because I love those stuff.

Hi and love the thriller/horror and fantasy storiy and how it starts out immediately I shudder and shiver;) Very good introduction too, holds my interest so wow, what a beginning.
Saerawrites
The Wizard of Crescent Keep

I found another favourite book, New London Masquerade. Your writing is entertaining, intriquing and gripping. The power of 'Devin'. When you publish I need hard copy

recommended

Hi Rian,

Although a YA writer, I am a big fan of thriller/horror novels and this certainly didn't disappoint. Great intro and the momentum stays there - it really does hold your attention. I'm glad you've uploaded so many chapters as I'm keen to read on as you've created a fantastic set of characters here.

Highly starred!

Lee :-)
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

That was very interesting too say the least. It was different.

Wonderful descriptions! Sure is a different twist on things! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Hi Rian,
Wow, the action starts in chapter 4 alright. The action is tense and fast paced. Written well. The narrator calls the demons/aliens Devilbillies, but without a reason to. Seems like that comes out of nowhere. Ditto “sungun”. How would anyone know these terms? Also, I am not sure how Cadence knew the Devilbillie had two hearts either. He had time to recall that they had two hearts while he was remembering. I’d suggest adding that memory. Then a new weapon, a lightning scythe? I suggest that maybe the “Devilbillies” need to name themselves and their weapons to each other in their thoughts that Devin hears.

Being wild and surrealistic is fine, but to create believability of something unbelievable, you need a logic path. Otherwise, it is hard to sound like more than an animated comic strip. How does Cadence know to call Devin a Wulf and not a wolf. I’d suggest having Cadence use the term Wolf and have Devin correct him, saying “I’m not a wolf. I’m a Wulf.” Or some version similar.

The aliens are described vividly and dramatically. They are so clearly alien, but obviously these aliens have probably caused the myths of demons from their descriptions. Another good tie to some believability.

Kind of like watching a “Blade” movie. Oops, dating myself. The story line is good, and the surrealism grows on you. Not my style of writing, but fun to read. Exciting for sure.

Hope my suggestions are not too critical. Thanks.

Wow, I love this, I enjoy horror and fantasy so much, I hadn't checked it out fully and really glad I have now.
Fantastic, and great writing. Best of luck.
Saera
'The Wizard of Crescent Keep'
'The Count's Remorse'

Hi Rian.
A fantastic story. Beginning in a small studio and expanding to epic proportions. Quite remarkable how you've built it up.
A great mixture of monster characters and aliens rather than sticking to one. They are so human and yet so not.
Your descriptions of action and fantasy places are spot on, it really conjures up a film in your head.
Perfect recipe for young American adults and written in a very adult, intellectual way. You've a massive audience out there.
Very highly polished, nothing to nit pick about.
I'll have a look at the other books you've listed.
I wish you all the luck in the world, as this is all you need now.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

Hi Rian,
Read through chapter 3.
Chapter 2 was a sudden twist that at first seemed a whole different story. The letter is a little disjointed, but the style of it adds to the surrealism. It makes Callow seem slightly crazy. Which seems intentional.

Chapter 3 was back to Devin. He makes a slightly scary anti-hero. The staccato structure of the chapter seems to be an intentional style. Short bullet driven paragraphs. It is jarring in some ways, but actually appealing in this surreal world-setting where the police give up on a dragon-creature that leaves whole towns dead.

I have to say that your characters all make very short statements at each other. It doesn’t feel like a conversation so much as a running series of one-liners. I’m not yet sure if that contributes to the style you’ve selected or not. The discussions between the characters don’t seem natural in the sense of you and I speaking. Is this to set up the surrealism a bit stronger? It’s like reading “Sin City” as a novel.

The story definitely has grip and the style piques something in me that finds it appealing. Uh oh. I think my dark-side is calling.

I look forward to reading a bit more, Rian. Thanks.

 Rian,
I read the first chapter. 
So far this is squarely horror, but I am not sure where it is headed. This is in part because some issues i found with the writing  I found your uses of dashes distracting- I think most (not all) should be replaced by commas. Also, you have some sentences which I found awkward. I took the liberty of suggesting alternatives to some. 
Hook and plot- the hook seems to be the love triangle and Barb's jealousy. This is a classic hook and works well enough. I found Sadie a bit too weak as a character and Barb a bit too aggressive.  This means that I found myself not rooting for either, which undermines the hook. Maybe if Sadie were less pathetic or Barb more appealing the hook would work better. 
So far the killing felt has not appeared, so this is only a minor hook. However, I think it hooks well enough.
Plot is set up well- again, the love triangle and what happened to Sadie are the questions at the end of the chapter. There is a tension being created adequately at this point. 
Character dev- unfortunately, both women come across as exaggerated and as rather caricatures in this chapter. I think this is fine with Barb, but I wish Sadie were a bit more developed. 
The MC is a bit better, but he is so conflicted, and his curse is so unexplained, that it is unclear at this point what kind of character he is. 
I suggest you spend a bit more time fleshing out these characters. 
Comments as I read

   She breathed huskily—choking up on heart for him.
The heart?
    Somedays she almost wished he were free of her.
No space before ellipses. 
    “I guess I get relapses is all.  I’m a woman.  I need reassurances.”
Steam out the ears. Not all women are insecure. How about "I'm a rotting corpse. I need reassurance."?
He had long before traded revulsion at her rotting frame—in for a burning need to touch her soul despite her husk.
Suggest " he had long traded in revulsion at her rotting frame for a burning need..."
Suggest you replace double dashes with em dashes. 
  It was good of his friend Roc to let him borrow the studio keys for the evening.  
In the first paragraph you called it "his studio"  Is it his, or Roc's?
there was still work to do before long.
Typically, the expression "still work to do before"  is followed by an activity, like "before they could visit the morgue for spare limbs" and not "long". Suggest "still a lot of work to do." 
Soon they left and he lingered at her apartment for another hour before carrying on with his starry slaughter. 
I thought they were at the studio. 
"starry slaughter" is strange- you mean nighttime slaughter?
Some day—she deigned in her darkest dreams to predict—that he would find a living woman to love him—and move on under shroud of night, never heard from again.
Use commas instead of dashes, like this:
Some day, she deigned in her darkest dreams to predict, he would find a living woman to love him and move on under shroud of night, never to be heard from again.
Devin’s fragile secret, 
Why fragil?
for rather than spending every night on the kill—he had someone else he was seeing.
Replace dash with comma
He was caught between a rock and a heart place. 
A pun! That was unexpected. 
Generally, most of your dashes (not all of them, but most, should be replaced with commas. 
gym diva mogul 
A mogul of gym divas? Do you mean "a diva, a gym mogul."?
How she had scissored her legs to speed them both up out of the water in a 
Up or out, not both 
Few ever claimed to seeing a Wylde, 
Should be " to have seen"
He never mentioned the matter again until it became of such urgent import that either he told her everything--or Sadie died.
I thought Sadie was dead  anyway it is awkward. Suggest you rephrase. 
He never mentioned the matter again, not until the day it became of such urgent import that Sadie's life depended on it. 
   It was a foreign concept to him—being willing to share someone’s love with a stranger—instead of just letting them go—but Barb seemed to embrace it. 
What does this mean? Who is the stranger? I think you mean:
   It was a foreign concept to him, being willing to admit his  love of another woman with his lover instead of just letting her go. But Barb seemed to embrace it. 
Is that what you mean?
spent together in chains.
In chains? Metaphorically, or is this part of Barb's newfound boldness?

He saw Sadie so little lately, he could not afford excuse.
An excuse. But are you sure that is what you want to say? Not "he wanted to take every opportunity afforded to him?"

shortly shuddered.
?
some days never coming back for a week, 
Suggest "some times"
Best of luch with it,
Maeve

Hi Rian

Horror is not my thing but I found reading the first chapter interestingly different, keep up the good work

I like this. I am a horror fan and get tired of the same old stuff over and over. I think you did a masterful job with this story and I like how it differs. You've done a great job with the descriptions and the characters.

Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Strong premise and good writing! Starred!

Have a great day!

Scott, The Ark of Humanity

There are parts in your narratives that sometimes make me think I am reading poetry (I love poetry). Love your style, never read one like it before, new is intriguing, always.

~Kat Mauve
Rage-holic