No Risk, No Reward

The descriptions,emotions and sensations are wonderful. This is a book that anyone could easily imagine themselves into. Amazing writing.

RCG Review:

Pitch:
Very good pitch. It provides enough description of what the book will be about without giving away too much. The two questions posed in the end make me want to read more.

Characterization:
The two main characters are well-fleshed out. Ellie Bradshaw is a sympathetic, capable and independent park ranger who comes across the mysterious, brooding yet attractive Nick Smith, and sparks fly. As Ellie shows concern over Nick for being such a novice camper, checks over him a few times and finally saves him from hypothermia, Nick warms up to her. The author has done a good job in revealing Ellie's conflicting feelings for Nick. On one hand, she suspects he is a shady character, and yet, she can't help but be drawn to him. Nick himself shows glimpses of gentleness which soften his gruff exterior.

Plot and Pacing:
Chapter 1 -3 : mainly to build characters and their back stories (especially Ellie) and the slow start of the romantic entanglement between Ellie and Nick. By the end of chapter 3, my feeling is that this is going to build into a heartfelt love story.

Setting:
Mountainous and forest setting and Ellie's house are well described. The texture and temperature are well illustrated. Good job.

Style and Voice:
The author has chosen first person, past tense (Ellie as POV). Ellie comes across as a level-headed and compassionate person. The author has done a good job in telling the story in a compelling voice, letting the readers into Ellie's thoughts and feelings. Little details she gives with regards to her surroundings and people are very interesting.

Dialogue:
Snappy dialogues between Ellie and Nick give a reader a sense that they are flirting even when they don't mean to.

Show, not tell:
There is a mix of show and tell in this novel and I think it is okay. Sometimes you need both. Perhaps Ellie's back story in chapter one can be parceled out a little more instead of it being spelled out in one place but it's not a major concern.

Some miscellaneous notes:
Chapter 2 - This sentence can be revised I think:
The fact that there was even the slimmest chance that he wasn't was what kept my foot on the gas pedal ... He wasn't what? He wasn't what I thought he was?

And here in Chapter 3:
(Richie said) “Who said anything's wrong?”
“I do.” I think “I did” is better.

You've woven a great story. The characters are descriptive, very believable . I love the tension between Ellie and Nick through chapter 8. You also further enhanced Dan's and Ellie's relationship as a supervisor and defacto parent when he punished her for trespassing. I'm putting you on my watchlist, and looking forward to the end.

Kathy
The Final Beginning

Wow! You write really well, Madison. I was drawn into the story, and the first three chapters flowed beautifully. Great characterisation, very convincing - I was rooting for Ellie, as her feelings were described so minutely in her interior monologues and I really warmed to her tough though sympathetic character. There was a moving scene between Ellie and her younger brother Richie and also between Ellie and her kindly boss Dan. I like the flirtatious though guarded tone of the conversations between Ellie and Nick the first few times they meet each other. This built up to a satisfying and unexpected scene in chapter 3 where she saves him from hypothermia. There's a wonderful ending to chapter 3 where Nick's coldness finally melts, and he thanks Ellie and hugs her.
I also like your descriptions of nature, eg "raindrops tapping against the leaves", and the rugged, wild setting in the countryside. The descriptions of Ellie's dog Bear are realistic too.
Good slow build-up at the beginning. Nice flashback in chapter 1 giving backstory about parents' death. I like Ellie's dialogue with Brooke, full of jokes and black humour. I like the banter between Ellie and Nick - with her obviously attracted to him but trying to hide it, and his coldness, betraying his character with a very occasional smile in these first few chapters.
I can find very little to fault in this - well done! This is the kind of book I like to read - I can imagine buying it in a bookshop.
Just a few minor points:-
chapter 2 - I found Ellie's comment to Nick "I'm sorry if your massive chest got injured by my little ol' nose" slightly over-familiar at that early stage in their getting to know each other.
typo - in par beginning "All that fixated contemplation ... to visit Nick" (not "to Nick a visit")
chapter 3 - typo in par beginning "She wanted me to go home... (insert "to" before "continue")
One last point - I was taught to indent paragraphs, except for the first paragraph of each chapter.
Good luck! I will be back to read more.

Carol
'Worst Case Scenario'

RCG Review

Pitch - SP is catchy and the LP ends with a question, enticing the reader to find out the answer.

Characterisation - I took to Ellie straight away, she comes across as charming and believable, there is a softness to her and she has a caring nature. Ryan/Nick, well what can I say, sounds like a real hunk. You actually show us two personalities within Ryan, there is the Nick that Ellie meets to start with, the mysterious, possible criminal who doesn't want her attention but "thaws" to her and there is Ryan, the softer, romantic side that wants her.

Plot/Pacing - A mysterious stranger, unwilling to verify who he is found camping by Ellie, our park ranger. He doesn't want her help yet she finds herself drawn to him. The pacing is perfect, the build up of their relationship spot on bearing in mind the type of people they are.

Setting - A National Park that is described so well, I could see it, feel it. Exceptionally well done.

Style - There is a natural flow to this story, it was easy to feel the same things, to understand the thoughts.

Dialogue - For me there is a real balance between the "story" and the "talking", if that makes sense. Equally, where there were periods of silence between the characters, it felt right too.

Show/Tell - The "showing" was very well done, for sure. Your descriptive writing is what drew me in, it was so well done, one could imagine being there.

Overall - It's a lovely story, albeit a little frustrating to get to the nitty gritty and have the brother interrupt! It's intersting to read Ryan's story, the dilemma he is going through and I am desperate to know what Ellie has to tell him and the effect, if any, on their relationship. I hope you post a few more chapters and soon, in the meantime, high stars and I will keep it on my WL.

RCG Review on No Risk, No Reward

Pitch: I liked the short pitch and I don’t have a problem with the long pitch either. From a personal point of view, it was the second paragraph of the long pitch that really hooked me into your story.

Characterisation:
Ellie: I like Ellie. You get a real sense that she is a strong, decent person and you instantly warm to her and care about her because of her back story. I like that she is kind but can also give back a little too. I loved the part where she sticks it to Nick about his mother writing his name in his underwear. Great line.

Nick: I like the way you describe Nick as strong and rugged. I have to admit, at first I didn’t find the “dense, unruly beard” description particularly attractive but then I visualised Eddie Vedder’s beard and it was instantly all fine by me! Ha ha. I like the way you say “didn’t look like it was a look that he was trying to pull off, but more that he hadn’t bothered to shave in a long time.” This actually made him more attractive to me and gave a deeper insight into this man. I really like the way you develop his personality and it felt natural when you changed to calling him Ryan later on. I liked him as mean and moody Nick and I like him as sexy and caring Ryan.

Bear: Cool name for a dog and I love your descriptions of him. I love him.

Brooke: I don’t think we get to know her super well but she functions well as Ellie’s sassy and funny best friend.

Amanda: You do a good job of making the reader hate her.

Oscar: Oscar sounds quite yummy actually but I’m never actually scared she will leave Ryan for him. I don’t believe his story that he couldn’t phone her. What’s the term you use? Chickenshit. Yeah.

Your descriptions of the children are really lovely.

Plot: Nice developing love story. You create great tension throughout, ranging from her suspicions about Nick at the beginning, to their constant interruptions when they’re getting it on, your reintroduction of Oscar and now with Ellie’s secret. I think I know what it is. I’m still wondering about Bear and whether someone took him further away on purpose so he would get lost? Maybe Wade, to get back at Ellie for rejecting him?

Settings: I love the forest setting and your descriptions of it are lovely. I can really imagine being there. “no sounds other than the tapping of raindrops on leaves” = lovely image. At times I felt you included a little too much detail in your descriptions, with people’s clothes occasionally and with some of the house descriptions. I get that it roots you in the moment, and it is nice to have, but there were times I skipped over them to get to the juicier bits. Check that you don’t have big chunks of descriptive texts. I do like your descriptions of people; especially the children and Bear.

Style/Voice Loved your voice and you have a really nice turn of phrase. Ellie’s first person narrative worked really well and you could hear her speaking, just like in the dialogue.

Dialogue I loved the dialogue throughout. I could hear the characters speaking in my head and it felt very natural. I even loved Wade’s dialogue, despite the fact he’s a dick.

Spelling/punctuation
I noticed a few little things as I went through, but overall I felt it was really clean.
- In Chapter 2 (Nothing Man – good title, by the way. Are you a Pearl Jam fan?) “No cache of guns or money spilling out so I started close it up” – I think it’s missing a to.
- A little later in the chapter 2 “all that fixated contemplation was probably what prompted me to get in my jeep and drive up the mountain to Nick a visit” – I think pay is missing from this sentence.
Chapter 9.
When Ellie meets Anita, Anita says “Wade paced around the entire time …” you use the word yesterday in this sentence and the one after. Suggest removing it from the one after.
In paragraph starting We left Amanda … there is a sentence that says “The down side was that was it was …” You’re all was’d out here, girl. Delete that extra was! ;o)
I was going to question “chicken fried chicken” but I’m guessing that’s an American thing?
Chapter 16 Oscar speaking: “but I really figured you hang up on me” – think this should be you’d hang up on me
Please check the line “Without Dan knowing what I knew, it would be hard for him to be cordial to Oscar” because I think there might be an extra return after “Without” as “Dan knowing” is an extra space down and looking like a new paragraph.
Ryan says “Nah, I’m just getting’ my second wind.” He smiled, but even it looked weary. The “even it looked weary” jarred. Should that even be there? It may just be an Americanism that I’m not used to. In the UK we might say “but even that looked weary,” or “even his smile looked weary” or just “He smiled, but it looked weary.” So I just thought I’d check that it’s not a typo or something.
Chapter 19- “How was your weekend?”I thought - space missing between inverted comma and I.
Another missing space further down, after Oscar says “Lee, I really did want you to meet Louis, but there’s another reason I wanted to see you. There’s something else I never told you.”He (between inverted comma and He)
“You worked for an organization that specializes in cloak-and-dagger shit, Oscar, do don’t try …” delete extra do here.


Things I loved:
Chapter 2:
I love the description of her bumping into Nick’s chest in chapter 2! I really feel for Ellie later in the chapter when he doesn’t look happy to see her and when he says “I’m nothing you need” my stomach swooped with sadness for her.
Chapter 3:
I love how you describe the loneliness creeping up on Ellie the moment Richie leaves. Really nice paragraph without being overly sentimental.
Great storyline to get Ellie saving him from hypothermia – undressing him and all that skin to skin contact. Mmm. Even though it isn’t sexual it’s still a nice moment.
Aw and nice moment at the end when he hugs her and says thank you.
Chapter 4: Woop! Nice description of the kiss!
Chapter 9: “The three of us paused to watch him take a long swallow as though we’d never seen a man drink beer before.” Fab line and a great image (reminded me of the Diet Coke break adverts)
Chapter 15: “Her blue eyes were heavily lined, and not just with make up.”
You create a great tree analogy when Ellie tells Ryan how she feels in the car. And later there’s a wonderfully poignant metaphor for fading memories when you talk about Oscar’s number moving further down the list in her phone’s memory until it’s gone.
“Why is your arm so fat” – ha ha, love it! Classic kid question

So yeah, I loved it and I hope I get to see it in print some time. I'd love to read to the end.

Carla x
Way off Track

RCG Review

I think the short pitch is spot on, I wouldn't change it. In fact it was your pitch, along with your cover that made this the first book I chose to read when I first signed up to the site - even before I joined the group. Now I have read the twenty chapters, I think maybe you give a bit too much away in the longer pitch?

I warmed to Ellie straight away, she has a strong head on her shoulders. I imagined a girl next door when reading and I think Ryan describes her as such at some point in the book. She has experienced loss and abandonment which you elaborate well on. So you can see why she is weary of Nick in the first instant and also further down the line with Ryan when he keeps saying things are semi-permanent.

The air of mystery around Nick makes him very appealing to a reader, you are eager to find out more. Like Ellie I too was suspicious of him and his behaviour. At first I disliked his character as he seemed rude and abrupt, but as the banter starts to play out between him and Ellie I grew to like him. When he poured his heart out in chapter thirteen, I fell in love with him.
I loved the damned if I do, damned if I don’t moment in chapter five.

Ryan’s relationship with Bear is sweet, you know a guy has a good heart when he has a bond like that with a four legged friend. I especially loved the part when the vet mentioned he treated him like the president. My suspicious mind thought there was going to be more to his accident than there was. The bad vibe with Wade after the party I thought he had something to do with it.

Richie is great, most people have a cheeky brother like him. His comment to everyone when he met Ryan made me laugh out loud.

As a reader I don’t like Oscar, even after he has explained things to Ellie. I was begging her in my mind not to consider him again. Then there is Wade, well he just needs locking up lol

I think I can guess what Ellie’s secret is towards the last few chapters, but I could be wrong 
I was a bit surprised it was left that late in the book to become so apparent, maybe you could add more hints earlier on in the book. Maybe you have and I completely didn’t pick up on it?

The like the small town setting and how you link it to Ryan’s background is great. Your descriptions on locations are good, the reader is able to picture it in their minds easily.

I was so engrossed in the book I didn't notice any errors in spelling etc. There is an errant quotation mark in chapter eight (part 3) at the end of the paragraph where she says I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I wasn't keen on how many times you mentioned the convention centre at the beginning of chapter fifteen. I thought it was written too many times in one paragraph.

Would definitely recommend it for any fellow romance readers out there looking for a well written and enjoyable read. Glad I checked it out, get more up soon!

Jo Heslop

I've read the first chapter and found it totally engrossing. Ellie is an appealing character; the description of the terrain and her life ring true and are well woven into the story. It is well written and I will be back for more. On my watchlist and high stars awarded.
C J Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

RGC review.Short pitch is ideal, but I feel the long pitch gives away a lot of the plot.
The characterisation is cleverly done. I like the fact that Ellie is an independent woman, working in a job most commonly done by men. I like the fact that she is reasonably experienced at the outset. The characters in her life are all drawn from her perspective, which makes Nick captivating for the reader from the very beginning.
The plot follows an ideal trajectory for a romance novel, and the first encounter of the "couple" is realistically written (not a Prince Charming or an electrical impulse in sight-I like this) and because the story is character driven, it unfolds at a good pace. The setting is perfect for a love story, mountain vistas and dark starry nights in the woods certainly do it for me.
The themes I took from the novel are, emotional scarring, conflicting feelings and trust/mistrust. The voice of No Risk, No Reward sounds authentic and believable and fits the setting very well, this is also true of the dialogue.Spelling and puctuation are very good throughout, hardly any typos (I read 8 chapters)
Overall this is an enjoyable read and I would recommend it to all lovers of romantic fiction. High stars awarded.
Yours Bea

First book I've read on this website and really enjoyed it. The storyline is good. Thought the way you used current slang words, i.e. horizontal mambo was good. That would appeal to the younger readers. I also liked the way how you mentioned how some women think when they in love/ lust, i.e. wanting to sniff Ryan's pillow for his scent.

You have done well with engaging your readers.....

Thank you for the good read so far.....

I love this bool!!!!!! Please post some more

Hi Mandison,

Please post more, i cannot wait to continue reading.

Thanks,
Ellie

Hi Madison, my return read. I've read the first 5 chapters so far, and am really enjoying it. I will def be back for more.

I like the way you draw your readers into the characters straight away. I want to know who they are and what Nick's story is, and I like the interaction between Nick and Ellie. Your characterization is extremely strong, and you hook your readers well.
Also, the mystery of Nick and the sexual tension between Nick and Ellie had me gripped, and you are building up the suspense for the rest of the novel.

The only suggestions I have are extremely minor – there were one or two instances of ?! or !! which I don't think editors or publishers like and in Chapter 5, Nick 'drug his bag out' which I think should be dragged.

Well done, this is great. High stars and I will find room on my shelf next time I swap it round.

Karen
Thores-Cross

I enjoyed reading this and read much more than I had intended, given I was reading during my lunch at work. I think your voice and tone are spot on for your mix of genre and characters. When I initially read your pitch I was intrigued by your book because it shares many similarities with my own. It was interesting to read your take on similar ideas. I realised our books are very different in fact...in a good way. I thoroughly enjoyed what you did with your plot and how you describe your characters and setting to the reader.

Backed and star rated...good luck!

Laura
Beneath the Blossom Tree

Well, I am so glad I asked you for a read swap!! Read this all yesterday and just finished the last two chapters that you have uploaded.
This is well edited and well written. I love the story line, I love Mr Black - and Ellie - I still don't like Oscar. Ellie is right - he is a DICK!
I think I know what she has to tell Ryan, I picked up some hints in Chapter 18 and 19 (but i may be wrong of course).
Please, please, please, upload some more and if you do then let me know! I will shelve this once I have space as I was hooked from the first chapter and couldn't stop until I'd finished reading it all.
I hated that she thought about wearing underwear she wore with Oscar -- Ew!! Throw it away!! Also I hated that she wore those diamonds from him - Pawn them!! LOL.
Looking forward to reading the whole thing one day. Brilliant.
High starred.
Leesha - Becoming Aware.

No Risk, No Reward

Good pitch. This jumped out to me as a book I would enjoy.

I like Ellie, she’s very believable in what she says, thinks and the way she acts. She’s capable and sensible but she has a mind that sometimes runs away with her, which is great. Nothing is forced here, there’s a gradual build up of suspense along with romance.

You’re characterisation is excellent. The dialogue between Ellie and Brooke is very real, you immediately get that they are good friends, who share history and are easy in each other’s company. You provide a lot of back story about Ellie’s previous boyfriends, Brooke’ job etc and I wonder whether, if this is pertinent, it might be dripped in a little more gradually or via conversation between the girls over a glass of wine. For example “Jeez, Ellie, you don’t have much luck with men do you? Do you remember that loser you dated in college.....” The banter between them is excellent anyway so it would be a believable way of bringing the reader up to speed.

Nick is interesting. I like the way you’re teasing that one out with the little hooks. I’m suspicious of him which naturally makes me want to find out what he’s up to. The reactions between Nick and Ellie are believable, she’s doing her job, and playing it cool but inside she’s trying to second guess him. Good.

I’ll keep reading...because you’ve hooked me now and I want to know how this pans out.
High stars and a place on my shelf when I next change around. Best of luck with this.

Babs

RCG Review:

Pitch - I like the short pitch, but not sure about the first paragraph in the long pitch. Do we need to know about Oscar here?

Characterization – Ellie seems like a sensible kind of girl, and quite capable in her role as Ranger, although it does seem odd that she forgets things occasionally, such as a flashlight or pen. Nick is definitely intriguing, made more exciting because of the hint of danger and mystery that surrounds him. Wade is a slimy git I just want to punch.

Plot – Ellie and Nick’ attraction is a gentle, slow burner, and I like the way that the couple of times they are about to do the deed they are thwarted, either by Bear’s disappearance or Richie and Paige’s appearance. But I do wonder how the hell they have so much restraint!
Why is Ellie’s dark secret only mentioned so much later on in the story? Whatever it is, wouldn’t it be on her mind earlier, as we know she’s fallen for Nick/Ryan pretty much as soon as she has met him.

Setting – Your descriptions are lovely – I really feel like I am there. Love the way that it is such a small town and everyone knows Ellie, and that Ryan jokes that he knows what it’s like to be with him.

Theme – Ellie’s fear of abandonment runs through the book, having lost her parents, and her previous boyfriends. It’s only natural that she’s going to be wary.

Style/Voice – I think you’ve managed the first person narration well. I find it easier to read than third person – I feel that it makes the reader feel like they are the MC in the story.
Chapter 13: lots of mentions of Ryan being or potentially being an asshole. Seems a little repetitive?

Dialogue – The dialogue between the characters is natural and flows well. I particularly like Anita’s voice. I can hear it in my head.

Spelling/Punctuation - I think everything is fine here; maybe a couple of errors that would get picked up by an editor, but I was too engrossed in the story to notice any myself.

I really enjoyed reading the story, it’s a lovely romance that is growing. I can’t wait to find out Ellie’s dreadful secret. Will it really scare Ryan off? I suspect not. Please upload the rest!

RCG review - No Risk, No Reward

I'm not sure I like this line:
"Ryan Black may have been one of the hottest actors to hit the big screen and he might have been rolling in cash from a successful career, but he had just laid a shed load of red flags at my feet." Basically it says "he might be hot, and he might be rich, but he's got a bunch of problems" - which is fine, except Ellie shouldn't see 'hot and rich' because she got to know him as basically a hobo, so her comparison should really be something like "he might be charming... and rich... but he has problems" throwing in the 'rich' like it's an after thought, you know?

oh and i like the description of Oscar, it's well written... and it explains he's Spanish-American... gotcha... problem is, while one could inherit skin complexion from a Spanish father, and a smile from a mother, the fact that she's American would be irrelevant in that sentence, as it almost sounds like 'he got the smile from his American mother, as the Spaniards don't smile..." - obviously this is just a nitpicky thing, all i took from the description was that he was mix and he had a smile like his mom... but a Spanish person might argue... Not sure... it was kinda like the other RCG book i reviewed before yours - an Irish woman asks and American woman if she's Canadian, the American yawns before answering. now i take it this American is bored at the idea of being confused with a Canadian... because Canadians are boring... hense - offended. It's possible she was just tired, and it was an ill-placed yawn... but that's not how i read it. Now i have an immediate distaste for the American MC

chapter 16-20 (last five chapters as per author's request)

- ok, so let me start off by saying that i haven't read anything before chapter 16 so I might not know who characters are, and the only back story i have is that of the pitch... any comments i make that don't make sense to you, please just ignore :)

chap 16
- love the description of 'dripping' - it would have made sense without the definition, but i love the definition and Ellie's obvious annoyance with the drunk. (I'm assuming the first person narrative is Ellie....)
- "takes one to know one" - what? Misty only sniggered but didn't actually say anything, if it wasn't for the 'drunk' bit after, i'd have know idea what you meant here...
- "he continued as he continued to stare" - hmm, i'd replace the first 'continued' with 'said' or drop 'as he continued to stare' as it's unnecessary...
- oh it mentions here that he inherited his complexion from his father again - so now i'm not really sure if this is the first time you said it, or if you said it earlier in your summary to me... lol

alright, i'm not sure about the timeline, but how long were Oscar and Ellie a couple for if he returned to Arizona to a 6 month old son that he didn't know about? and 30 grand buys a boob job, a brand new camaro, and has money left off? i thought a brand new camaro would be expensive but i don't know these things
how long was Oscar 'disappeared' for - as he brought back a kid, and custody battles and all that shite must have taken a long time...

anyhoo, i got the impression from the pitch that Ellie and Oscar were a long time couple, but at the very most they'd only have been together 15 months... and even then that's pushing it, because assuming he knocked a girl up and left, it doesn't seem likely that he'd jump right into a relationship in small town, wherever they are. he said he left his job because his family and girlfriend asked him to... so did he care about the girlfriend? i mean he must have, if he a) impregnated her, and b) quit his job for her... but then he started a relationship with Ellie at some stage, left the life in Arizona behind... and now he's back x amount of time later calling his ex-girlfriend a bunch of names... so i'm confused on the timeline. at what point did Naomi go from the newly pregnant girlfriend to the dumbass involved in crime?

another thing - if Brody is an idiot for sharing his criminal life with his sister, who is also an idiot for sharing their crime life with her boyfriend, isn't he also an idiot for sharing all this stuff with Ellie?

and finally - i didn't like this "had this older brother, Brody" - 'had' implies she doesn't have him anymore so i'm assuming he's either dead or they are no longer related. but then later you say they should be locked up, so i know they're still alive. should be "has a brother, Brody" - i'd change 'this' to 'a' because it's not really like "so there's this guy, Brody..." which would make sense... but it's Naomi's brother... not some random...

anyhoo, the rest of that story Oscar told was told well and i was linked in and hooked... because i haven't read the beginning i don't know how much of this is 'filling in gaps' for what Ellie doesn't know, and what she already knows... so i'm confused on the timeline as i mentioned, and Naomi's importance... It seems to me that Ellie knew nothing about Naomi, so it's confusing that Oscar left Arizona as a single man... it doesn't seem like he did. and i'm also confused about how much Oscar knew about Naomi and Brody prior to dating Ellie - but this could all just be me not knowing what happened before... so just ignore me

- ah, some questions answered - so Louis is approximately 18 months, i think, as Oscar was gone for a year... but then Ellie thinks "all those months ago" and i think less than a year... so slightly confused still
lol "seen her comin" - should either be "seen her coming" or "seen her come in" - but this typo made me laugh

"human noodle" - excellent

- oh so Oscar knew Ellie back in fourth grade? gah, confused again

"Irma Jean asked softly" - you don't need this, you just said she leaned in and spoke so the others couldn't hear... you can just ask "you ok?" and we'll know who's speaking :)

- the autograph paragraph - love it

chapter 17
- the heading made me laugh cuz i didn't understand it one bit... is you is... haha... ok moving on
- "things didn't feel right after...blah blah blah" - since this just happened, you can remove that 'blah blah' stuff and just say "things didn't feel right now" - it's pretty obvious why
- her rocking chairs were stolen? sorry, but i laughed - funny stuff
- "two and a half glasses of seven-to-ten different liquors" - ok, i liked this description in chapter 16, but now it's a repeat... can she not just say 'alcohol' here?
- "and, rather than brave, i felt" - i think that first comma should be before the 'and' not after, though i'm not sure it's needed at all
- "climbed out to the edge of a tree..." - this sentence starts in past and ends in present tense... should be "branches (got) thin" and "trunk (was) no longer" - lovely description though
- "seconds passed that felt like years to me..." another lovely description, though i'd drop the 'to me' - in fact, this entire paragraph is awesome. her paranoia, over what he's thinking, what she's just realized of herself and of the two different worlds they live in - depressing, beautiful, and relatable
- "back door open(,) and my crutch out" - trust me, this comma is necessary, i can tell you the rule if you want... could be you just missed it... i see a lot of people in the UK miss these types of commas though (i catch my husband making this mistake often) - so it could be a UK thing, but it's still a rule "the series comma"
- "so, with my heart" - comma should be before 'so' not after
- you also use 'suddenly' twice in two consecutive paragraphs... don't know if that's intentional repetition or not
- same comma rule here "brushing my hair out(,) and then pulling it up..."
- "the movie star he really was" - should be 'is' - it may be a past tense story but he is still a movie star, so that's a present tense
- 'intel' seems a funny word for an actor to use

everything after this - loved... i half-expected a shower-bench scene and am only mildly disappointed - the hook at the end here is awful... as in wonderfully written, i'm hooked, but i'm feeling what she feels - heartbroken and panicked over Bear :(

chapter 18
(totally noticed the Americanized spellings of stuff and thought i'd make a note to say ignore the rubbish i said on UK comma issues earlier... should have remembered the Arizona setting and don't know why i didn't think of this before... where you from, Madison?)

oh i like "Christmas with Frank and Bing" - though i don't like that Ryan spells it out.... i just want people to know who Frank and Bing are because really, how couldn't they?! lol

"i drug my crutch" - bleh... i don't know if that's grammatically correct, but i think 'dragged' might be better... and if not, perhaps another verb?
"everybody started called me" should be "calling me"
"Ryan got to his feet" - said twice consecutively
- eesh, don't like the hardness pressing against her leg either... it makes me think she's taller than him... by a lot
- "find it (in) her heart someday to forgive me"
- "off the hook(,) and slid it on"
- her stomach somersaults a few times... i do like the so-called threat though
- you mention Paige testifying twice... i thought it was funny the first time, but repetitive the second time. Maybe if you put 'would' in italics here: "Paige would testify against me" - it might read less so, as you'd be putting the emphasis on a different place
- i like the last sentence of this chapter but the mention of 'that' twice kinda throws it off a bit... perhaps "...after I'd received his safe-at-home text, that I finally..." - just a suggestion

oh before i forget entirely - loved the sucking face bit

chapter 19
aww Wade's giving her the cold shoulder...

lol love Ryan waiting outside in the mercedes and i know he was in his car, but there was a sweet sixteen moment that i pictured of him sexily leaning back on his car... meh, awesome all the same

ok so i know every kid is different - but so you know, my son, who is actually pretty smart (i'm told), will be three in a couple months, and although he knows his name and will tell you when he sees his reflection in a mirror, or a picture of himself, he will not answer the question "what's your name" because he doesn't know... and he doesn't know his age either, though he knows how to count to ten... weird.

now i know it's been less a year because Oscar is wearing a scarf given to him last Christmas from Ellie... ok so less than a year... makes Louis less than 18 months old... he might not know 'daddy' either... though i really can't remember where my son was at 18 months, my daughter is 13 months now and can make sounds but not words... she knows 'mama' but doesn't know that's me yet lol

"I said on a smile" - i think this should be "with a smile"

aww this is a sad ending here... it's got to be hard on her, and harder on Oscar

chapter 20
boo, more stomach somersaulting...
"She said on a giggle" - oh i see, you're doing this 'on' thing intentionally... it must be a turn of phrase i've never heard.

"paige, ryan(,) and I" "Kyle, Lisa(,) and Luke" - ah, i was right in assuming you don't know the comma rule here - it's the 'series-rule' basically every time you list something in a series "this, this, and that" you need a comma after every single 'this' (including the one before 'and')

"lady parts from spilling out" - haha!
"drug out the sexy pink..." - bleh, don't drug things out, it's awful... juat have her 'take' it out... you wouldn't drag a piece of clothing with you anyhow, it's a terrible choice...

ok i don't know what she has to say, i'm not sure if you shared this info in the first 15 chapters, it's ok if you didn't - so far i haven't been confused by this bit, she has a personal secret that everyone seems to know but Ryan... it's pretty obvious what it is... though i'd love if it was something like "i was born a dude"

impractical... and i'm sure that's not where you're going with this... but since you LEFT ME HANGING HERE i'm going to go ahead and assume she's post-op transgendered...

well written, high stars and all that jazz

erm... do i have to do a formal RCG review too, or is the above crit ok? let me know

cheers for now - let me know if/when you post more

Jaclyn x
My Life Without Me


EDIT: I forgot to mention after all that stuff about my kids, I really did like how you described Louis, his mannerisms, his playfulness, and his vocabulary - I can only roughly assume his age but even so, I think you nailed it :)

Fab work - highly recomended! Keep up the great work

I read the first chapter and really enjoyed it. The dialogue was bang on and didn't feel forsced. Your main character comes across as real.
My only qualm small, is the part where she talks about her former boyfriends and refers to them as beautiful. It kinda jolted me as I don't regard men as beautiful.perhaps handsome, great looking etc...
I throughly enjoyed the suspense between Ellie and Nick.
Well done, high stars.
MC
Exposed

RCG Review

Pitch-Short Pitch-Don't describe Ellie Bradshaw as "average." In the literary world, average = boring, so when I read that, either it means Ellie is boring or that you're lying. Based on the long pitch, maybe something like unlucky would work better.

Long pitch-The first paragraph about her parents and her x-bf should probably be in the past tense.

Plot-Has it's strengths and weaknesses. It's strengths being Nick. You do a great job of creating an air of mystery surrounding him.
Weakness- I Ellie should be more conflicted about how much she is bending the rules for Nick because of her infatuation with him.

Pacing-A good pace. While her infatuation with Nick is immediate, things are moving along at comfortable pace.

Spelling/Grammar-Looked clean. Every once in a while I came across something I might have re-worded out of personal preference more than anything else, but nothing that would take away from my reading experience.

Dialogue-Most of it was fine. I really didn't care for the dialogue between Richie and Ellie in chap 3. In the age of cell phones, no one shows up unexpectedly. Richie was way too melodramatic, and the dialogue was way to direct. People are never that direct about there problems and feelings. I also think I I it was too much to say he and Paige broke up, then are back together two days later. Say there fighting, or taking a break, but not broken up.
The most frustrating part is this conversation leads no where. Any conflict it created was resolved in 6 lines.

Voice/Style-As our female lead, Ellie needs to be relatable to the reader, but that doesn't mean you need to limit her to average. Her forgetfulness is really frustrating. Forgetting to bring a pen, or her gun, or a flashlight. Honestly, it just makes her frustrating and unlikable that she is always unprepared and doesn't think things through.

Characterization-Nick's Characterization is well done.
Ellie is getting there, I already mentioned my grievances.

Chapter 1 has too much background that can be spread out a bit more. I also think you tried to explain too much between character's dialogue, especially in the conversation between Ellie and her best friend. Never describe a person's personality directly. Just have them talk and act their personality, and the reader will figure them out. Maybe you could use chapter 3's conversation between Ellie and Richie as a way to transition into details about their personal life.

Thank you again for your detailed review. I found it very helpful.

-Chris

Chapter 20. Another good chapter. You’ve come to a stop the same way I stopped with The Enigma. How do we approach the sex scenes? Writing them wears me out due to so much detail. It can be so difficult writing intimate emotions to tell a tale…
All the best Madison! You have wonderful talent and certainly can write!

Chapter 19. A very good chapter that explains a lot. I could picture Ryan at the vet’s office all sexy and unshaven. The scene with Louis is very cute. One can see the little dark eyed man moving all around the room. Excellent chapter. Poor Oscar got the boot.

Madison,
What a mysterious beginning, and quite well-written. I like Ellie's voice, especially as she's checking out Nick and his twin pectorals.

There seemed to be a lot of back story between her stop at the liquor store and when she pulls in her driveway, and it slowed down the narrative for me a bit as I read. Do we need to know straight off that she remodeled her grandmother's house? Could some of this, maybe the bit about her brother, be worked in through dialogue with Brooke?

There was something extremely familiar about the sequence where Nick glances down at Ellie's gun, and even their dialogue here seemed like something I've read before, and this is not a genre that I read a lot of.

These are just my thoughts as I read, and hopefully something here is helpful. Best wishes with this.
Kate

Madison, I am drawn in by the characters so i enjoyed this, I know there are comments below that need some attention but for me, great read, well told, good flow, ace characters, what more can I say. I will be supporting this and good luck with it.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean.

Chapter 18. I’m not sure, but a guy that has the hots for a girl and is still young enough to do an all nighter – wouldn’t he make a move, for at least foreplay, if they were in bed together? I made a mistake in one of my early stories and heard about it quite quickly from a guy’s point of view. I had the female make a strong move for the guy and he dashed the opportunity. He wanted to finish watching a movie. From the guy’s point of view – if the opportunity to play touchy-feely is there a normal guy, full of raging hormones, is always in the game. And it makes the romance story. We want to see them touch each other if from only an emotional point of view. It doesn’t have to be sex, but the tender caress of wonton need, or the emotional bonding. I think a romance story is feeling their continuing internal spark, the surge of energy that drives the pair together. Edward and Bella had young feelings of desire, an electric current that tied them together. Christian and Ana have a budding, heady desire… nearly wanting to own the other’s soul.
I can identify with the description and smells of the Vet’s office, and the old wooden bench pews. Too funny.
If putting a Christmas tree up together isn’t true love I don’t know what is. Excellent! And getting snowed in together… is only for one thing.
There is romance at the end of this chapter.

Chapter 17. Ah, right before Ellie gets out of the car… you, the writer, began writing up a storm. That’s it! Ellie is doing a thorough examination of her feelings for this guy.
There is reference to Wade’s character again and I’ve not mentioned him. I can see Wade clearly. Everyone knows a character like this in real life. The poor fella just doesn’t have a clue and thinks women should flock to him. What for? Good describing him in detail.
Oh no! What happened to bear?

No Risk, No Reward

Right, let's preface this by saying I can only comment as a reader, not any kind of expert.
I don't know, in some funny way, this reminded me of Sooki Stockhouse and True Blood - not the subject matter, obviously, but the style of writing. It's easy, unpretentious, easy flowing...the kind of story that sucks you in and tugs you along.
I did feel the initial few paragraphs were a bit clumsy... but then they settled right down and I just read. No notes on my pad - except I felt there was maybe a bit too much backstory with Oscar. Maybe.
Love that she has a dog called Bear... sounds a good dog.

I love the mystery you set up here. I also love the way you clearly have done your research. The exchanges about ranger business sound authoritative.

Hah! You have your characters stripping off cos of hypothermia too. Good way to get them up naked together, huh? :) Mind you, you hold back from them doing the business.

I love that your MC is a strong character, full of personality, not a pushover - and yet she has emotional depths. I like the way you move this story along. Pacing is good. If it weren't on screen and my eyes were not tired, I'd happily keep reading.

Nice job. Heavy stars and will back when I get a free slot. :)

Chapter 16. While talking to Oscar there is one sentence where the ‘up’ should be removed. Oscar says that his mom was constantly throwing ‘up’ in his face. Mom was just throwing words, about other agents, at him.
Yep, Nogales where the trucks go.
This chapter is very good. The style of writing and the feeling is completely different from the beginning. At this point I’m wondering if the beginning shouldn’t give more hint of what’s to come – to tie the two parts together. This chapter is also for women that would like to have their old boyfriends find out what they gave up. Love it. But things aren’t over yet. Oscar, the sweetheart, has his phone number in her cell.

Chapter 15. Right off the bat her thoughts are very revealing as to her feelings. Excellent job in creating a thorough scene. The storyline ticks right along. And combobulating works for me. And so does the amaretto. Good stuff.
This chapter is very well done!

Chapter 14 - I don't see any problem.

Madison, Reading chapter 13. I like the description of Bear when Ryan and Ellie first get back to the house. It’s so true about pets.
I’m reading along the dialog wishing for a little physical action if just a swing of the arm to the back of the sofa. Their eyes are engaged and they are tipping a bottle of bear now and then. But I’d like to see more texture or physical energy.
When Ryan talks about his mama – as an actor out in the world would he might not be more diplomatic and refer to her as mom? Only a suggestion.
Ellie chewed her lower lip uncertainly or ‘with uncertainty’? A shed load or a shit load? It could depend on the size of the shed.
Ellie looked at Bear lying on the floor between her feet. Wondering at what point did Bear get back in the house?
When Ryan is talking about people changing I’m curious about the sound of his voice. Perhaps it has softened. And I still have trouble seeing Ryan use slang. After Ellie says stop you’re embarrassing me – Ryan is speaking. He slangs the word believin’ instead of believing. But don’t let me change your style of writing.
Yes and double yes. During a love scene I like the fact that the writer breaks away to explain feelings. As a writer it gives us a break to the action and shows the characters grow and change. I felt this chapter was a lead up to these two finally getting together.
Ellie is quite closed off in this chapter. I’m having difficulty knowing if there is warmth within her soul to accept Ryan, even through the questioning of his exploits. And Ryan is leaving his world for a woman that has not showed him much warmth or sensuality. Perhaps by adding physicality like fingers caressing a cheek or mouth watering anticipation might help.
Looking forward to chapter 14 to see what’s next.
Kathi

Madison, I’m happy to be reading chapter 12. First I might make a suggestion of Ryan wearing t-shirt, jeans and ‘stocking feet’. It condenses “and his feet in socks”. Just a thought. Don’t let me change things.
While they are eating enchiladas you could put the actual dialog to Ryan’s mentioning of the flight to Miami.
Ryan blew in the front door from a cold gust of air? It shortens the sentence. I like the image.
Oh, I see that Ryan is bulked up in this chapter. I caught a glimpse of Dwayne Johnson.
I like the ending of this chapter. They are getting close.
Kathi

One of the better books on this site, occasionally funny without intent, but very entertaining. Five stars.

Madison,
Ch. 11. Oscar…
I found an ‘alright’ in the story. I went through my stories and changed those to ‘all right’. Do you know which is proper? I’m not sure anymore.
Ryan seems to have laid claim over Ellie quite quickly, especially for a guy that moves around a lot and we’re not sure if he’s the homey type.
Kathi

Madison,
Ch. 10.
When he calls her ‘babe’ for the first time, I don’t know, that might affect me. It’s so endearing.
Oscar is holding the boy on his hip. This strikes me as funny for some reason. Women have hips and therefore hold a toddler in this manner. Men shoulder up or gather a toddler in their arms.
You’ve painted a nice picture of Oscar. I can see him clearly, more so than Ryan.
Here again, Ryan pushed the door closed with his hip. I can visualize men using more of their full body or a foot to close the car door. This could just be me.
Chapter 10 calls out for you to hurry onto chapter 11.
Kathi

Madison,
Ch. 10.
When he calls her ‘babe’ for the first time, I don’t know, that might affect me. It’s so endearing.
Oscar is holding the boy on his hip. This strikes me as funny for some reason. Women have hips and therefore hold a toddler in this manner. Men shoulder up or gather a toddler in their arms.
You’ve painted a nice picture of Oscar. I can see him clearly, more so than Ryan.
Here again, Ryan pushed the door closed with his hip. I can visualize men using more of their full body or a foot to close the car door. This could just be me.
Chapter 10 calls out for you to hurry onto chapter 11.
Kathi

Madison,
Ch. 9. Well, this far into the story and I’m starting to wonder why Ryan was out in the wilderness as Nick when he had a house nearby. And especially not being camping savvy.
“…which was the owner and cook surprisingly (was) not named Harry.” Do you need the word ‘was’?
You state that the bar is crowded and Ellie yelled ‘beer’ to the bartender. I know the bar is loud and it’s hard to hear, but you might need to explain further this is the reason Ellie and Ryan are using signals instead of talking. Perhaps explain the roar and ringing in their ears from a loud decibel.
I’m happy to see that you wrote blonde with an ‘e’. I prefer this spelling as well. Stephanie Meyer in the Twilight series was inconsistent with the word. Wondering why didn’t they catch it?
I like the line “His mouth slightly curved in a grin he hadn’t yet fully committed to.”
Chapter 9 is good. Nothing else to add.
Kathi

HI Madison,
Ch. 7 and ch. 8.
Chuckling at pay a visit to the dentist to have the caffeine stains bleached.
Ellie is expecting another day at the computer trying not to dose. What about ‘while’ trying not to dose?
Teepee can be one word.
Glad to see Nick showed up at the right time and is looking hot to boot.
Oh heavens, a man that likes to cook for a gal. Gives a warm fuzzy feeling.
You have it going on with this chapter. It’s great. The profile of Ryan from the online encyclopedia is genius. It relays a ton of information. Great job!
Tomorrow never knows is a great chapter title. And this chapter was as good as the last. Can’t wait to see what their next date brings.
Kathi

HI Madison,
Chapter 6. Ut oh, the chapter heading reads we’re walking home now. You know, I love this kind of tease. Stephanie Meyer labeled her chapter headings like this for the Twilight series.
Chuckling that she spit leaves out of her mouth when she got caught. Oh, she’s up the creek without a paddle now.
Found another OK instead of okay while they are deciding how to get Ellie back to her Jeep.
Oh, and I’m glad you pointed out my ‘all right’ should be ‘alright’ as I found more. Thanks.
Her body was inundated with excess of adrenaline. Could it be inundated with ‘an’ excess ‘of’ adrenaline?
Inside she was doing a victory dance. I love feisty women.
Found another OK when Dan checked out everything.
And so I’m sitting here wondering if Dan found out that maybe Nick might be Ryan Black. Probably not. Ellie would know what he looks like from his movies.
So maybe Nick is a famous quarterback that is friends with Ryan. Back to reading… And also back to the bounty hunter theory.
Found a 3rd OK.
This is good. You’ve got my curiosity peaked big time. But alas, its noon, and my eyes are puffy from burning the candle at both ends, not to mention I’ve been in this chair too long. I finished going through TM last night and will need to upload the works – with new chapters from separating the large ones.
I like NRNR and would recommend it to romance readers quite quickly. I hope to read another chapter before the day is out and find out who in the world this guy is. And if he’ll kiss her again.
Kathi

HI Madison,
On to chapter 5 but first I love the new cover. The mountains and sunset are beautiful and the typestyle is perfect.
Chuckling at the chapter heading. By all means yes, give the girl a kiss already.
Oh gosh, love the names Karli and Kami.
“You’re a lot stronger than I even thought you were,” he said. How about “than I gave you credit for.”?
While Nick is talking about his mother I’m wondering what his posture is like. Nick is a quiet man. It’s not easy to see him in my reader’s eye.
Her lips and skin tingled ‘slightly’ from his kiss? Oh heck no. There is no slightly about it. lol
Saturday morning I was off. I bought ‘my’ groceries for the week. The first ‘my’ could be deleted. There are several more my’s that follow. Just a thought. Don’t let me change your style of writing.
Jimbo radioed me to release me from duty. The sentence seems stiff. Is there another way to state the message?
Oh, oh, oh, is Nick a bounty hunter? And will he kiss the girl again? On to the next chapter this morning. I gotta know more.
Kathi

HI Madison,

I just read the first chapter of your book 'No Risk No Reward,' and found the way Ellie described Nick was very intriguing, wanting to make the reader find out what he was actually hiding.

His large size and his refusal to supply her with ID made him appear as a possible threat to Ellie, the Park Ranger of Great Smokey Mountains National Park, although straight away Ellie is sexually attracted to him.

I liked the description the characters and the way each was introduced slowly to acquaint the reader with each before moving on.

I loved 'Bear' and found it clever how you included him in the story, something I find hard when I try to include dogs in my book, as your inclusion didn't deflect any focus from the dialogue or the action.

Good Luck with it,
CarolJefferies
(A Prince Unboyed)
(Love for Lilian)

Hi Madison,
Reading chapter 4. We’re suddenly introduced to Kurt and Kyle and not knowing who they are or how they fit in. But I do like lots of characters in a book. It allows for many conversations and several points of view – to lead the story along.
Oh, and I forgot in the last chapter that if she was rubbing his tired shoulders there was deep sensuality happening for both of them. Massaging is a very intimate thing. She can feel his muscles; see the texture of his hair. And being massaged releases so many endorphins and hormones causing emotions to loosen, besides the relaxation.
When Ellie asks Nick what he did in Miami and he goes to the sink, she should follow and corner him. She needs to look him deeply in the eyes so he can’t squirrel away so easily. He’s a big attractive guy, easy on the eyes, she’s attracted to him. And he is moving about in her sacred area of the house.
Ooo, when she says she likes him… those are powerful words spoken to a powerful man. Let Nick feel the situation as a man does. He could mold her on a whim but their positions are not ready for such actions. When guys are not ready for romance they feel terror from a woman’s emotions. Nick knows what he could do to Ellie but he is not going to hurt her. The only other option is to like her, which he does, however he can’t act on the thought, not just yet.
In chapters 3 and 4 I’d like to see more of Nick’s internal flame. What drives him? It doesn’t have to reveal his history since that is the secret, only his core, his method of operation.
Kathi

Hi Madison,
Reading chapter 3. Love the line ‘I stepped out into the cold air and felt Bear brush past my legs.’ Gives a real sensation. And ‘hoping the love I felt for him would soak into his bones like osmoses.’ Cute. It rolls off the tongue like a song.
“How come this disagreement is just coming up this year?” Her brother said. As a writer my speech pattern and writing is all together different. I have a terrible time with slang and work like crazy to keep it out of work. TM made me tongue tied so many times. Perhaps this line could be drawn out softer for the reader. “Why is this problem coming up this year?” But the ‘y’all’ is good. A few more lines of dialog might draw this scene out rather than let it fall to the end.
Ahh, the loneliness is wearing on Ellie. This is good. It gives her reason to fall in love. It also shows that the beginning of the book is different than the end. The characters will grow with the climax and ending.
Oh, dog gone it! There was something kind in Nick’s eyes. You know that’s the fault of a tough guy. When he shows his softness and doesn’t even realize it. Boy, is he in trouble.
“Was he a little person?” It sounds forced coming from Nick. “Was he a small guy?” Might be better or something like that.
We walked out of the woods, chatted about everything and even Bear. I think The Da Vinci Code managed a quick write-up like this but quick write-ups arouse my curiosity for what is missing. If you don’t have a crunch with word usage then add a few more words. In TM, the scene with Luigi and Heather discussing their families, which still needs a major re-work; I could have just said they talked about those things. But it’s not drawing the scene out. The reader is here for the journey. Maybe delete the paragraph and once they are in the Jeep exchange some dialog?
Ooo, there needs to be a fireplace to warm Nick up. It’s romantic too.
He is also run down from lack of nourishment. There is nothing sexier than helping a man when he is down and out. He is putty in her hands.
She could be starting a fire in the fireplace when he cleans the kitchen. *Hint, hint* The romance.
I like the end of this chapter. It hints at things yet to come.
Kathi

No Risk, No Reward is a good read. I have read the first chapter but it is enough to know that I will continue to read on. I reckon Nick Smith is not the bearded guys real name but I also believe that he poses no danger. You have created a mysterious character in Mr Smith and it will be interesting to know what his motives are. Why is he hiding out in the campsite all alone? Is he a fugitive? Is he a man on the run blamed for something that he didn't do. Or maybe he did do something unsual and he feels he has to run away from the consequences. It will be interesting to find out.

Can you check this sentence out? I think it needs the word to inserted in the sentence.
He was tall and broad shouldered with a muscular build, like he hadn't missed a trip "to" the gym in years.

Can you also check this out? He certainly didn't look like most of the overindulgent frat boys.......should frat be fat? I'm not sure.

Alice.

This is deceptively simple story-telling. I say that because it talks about apparently'nothing much' but you are immediately drawn into the two characters and want to know what is going on. At the start we wonder, is it romance, is it mystery, is he to be trusted etc. That's really good, because it isn't easy to write like that and sound natural.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Hi Madison,
I’m happy to be reading the 2nd chapter today! The first two paragraphs are reading like a newspaper reporter. How about – “For two days I couldn’t get Nick Smith out of my mind.” And instead of “I found myself listening to the radio…” change to “I listened to the radio… checked police reports…” It just tightens things up and gets to the point quicker.
In describing Jimbo “Just like any other place that employs many people with different lifestyles…” How about “As in any place that employs diversified backgrounds and many stages of Neanderthal caveman…”
I was having trouble seeing where a four mile hike was strenuous for park rangers and now after reading Ellie drove her Jeep up to the ridge and then trekked for two miles – something isn’t meshing. You might take a look.
Ellie is looking for Nick at his tent. Maybe you could add that “he, seemingly a novice at primitive camping, might be sick or hurt…”
“Halfway up the mountain I was regretting and questioning my reasons…” As a writer I have a battle with the word ‘was’ and don’t know the proper usage. So here is what I might do. The next sentence contains the word ‘was’ so I might approach the first sentence with “Halfway up the mountain I regretted and questioned…” This makes the first sentence temporal and the second sentence action.
“Nick was coming out of his tent…” or because that darned word ‘was’ throws me. Maybe I make too much out of it. “Nick came out of his tent as I approached.”
The black bag was slung over his shoulder, the same one I had seen before. This shortens the sentence and gets to the point.
When his eyes slide down her body and back up to her eyes – oh, she certainly knows what to make of it. And if the man doing the glaring is good looking… eat it up. She can devour him with her eyes as well, whether silently or allowing the man to sense her regard. I’d delve into the sensuality men and women display.
In this scene although it is innocent it could be propped up a little, the dialog punched up. Make them challenge one another a little more on a personal level. Ellie is playing an obvious hand that any playboy can read. A smart playboy hides his heart and wallet from any woman and plays only when he wants to play. As women we search for their weakness or catch them when they are in the mood to play.
Nick is a man on the run; he is hiding from something and backed against the wall. A cornered animal behaves defensively. I think Nick is smart, savvy and knows how to manipulate society to make almost anything work in his favor. He is bidding his time in chapter two.
Kathi - Taylor Made and The Enigma

Hi Madison,
I’m reading the first chapter of your book No Risk, No Reward again. I like it a lot. Quite quickly there is one thought in my mind as to Nick’s character – a liar is more deflective and less engaging to prodding questions, especially a man conversing with a woman. He is in control over his emotions and will not be swayed even if the woman is attractive. As writers we know that Ellie’s questioning sets up the story plot and Nick’s answers are revealing that he is secretive. When Nick says he is from Miami and wants to fill out the paperwork – rather than say that he wants to get on with his day which is a vague statement, perhaps he could say he’s got hiking to do. A well-versed deflectionist (new word) is able to create something on the fly without arousing too much attention. I love the secret nature of some men, and of women that enjoy unraveling their secrets. It builds to some really steamy sensuality.
When Nick says he wants to be away from people, be by himself for a while – the phrase seems more feminine. He chose primitive camping to hide away. Perhaps he can relay this to Ellie differently. Primitive camping is soul searching in one form or another.
In describing Jake Abbott’s father – rather than say ‘he was wearing’… Editor Lou Aronica gave me the best advise by saying let your words tell the story. Mr. Abbott’s red polo hung loosely over his shoulders and pulled tight at his expanding middle. His tan slacks were too long (since the man is short) and they were baggy as though they were twice worn. Rather than say ‘he/she was or were’ make the observation work for you. Let the clothes or their physical features describe the moment. It made me laugh that Mr. Abbott would tell her to wear make-up. But an excellent way in telling the reader what Ellie looked like.
“The house itself had been built with quality materials…” is tmi. The house description could be pinched a little. I know. I hated pinching my descriptions. The fear of losing what the writer wants to tell is great but the payout for the reader in the end is better.
“Bear was a Rottweiler…” (I love animals and Rottweiler’s are beautiful). How about starting with “My Rottweiler Bear and I…” or something like that. And I enjoyed that Bear is running around underfoot as the two women talk. That’s so real.
At the end of chapter one while talking with Brooke – if Ellie carries a gun she has been trained to observe people and take things seriously. She is able to read more into Nick and knows he’s got baggage. Ellie shouldn’t be so flippant or casual discussing this with Brooke.
I love the book Madison and can’t wait to read more. Be patient with me. I don’t get to the computer often but will read and respond soon.
Kathi – Taylor Made and The Enigma

Halfway through chapter one, the writing starts to flow nicely and soon picks up pace. I’m not a fan of romance, but found myself reading on. The characters are building nicely and I’m intrigued by Mr.Smith.

A few repetitive words such as ‘hand,’ firewood, tent, etc all crammed together in sentences and personally feel it could be tightened up in areas. Example -

I was greeted with silence. I looked around once more and, seeing no one, unzipped the opening in the tent with shaking hands. (The) dim gray light spilled in(to the tent) and I could see (that) it was unoccupied. I relaxed and lowered myself into a squatting position. I should have closed the tent once I’d found that Nick was not inside, but my curiosity got the best of me.
An air mattress took up most of the floor space (inside the tent.) It was covered in blankets and one pillow. Next to the head of the bed was a large black duffel bag with clothes spilling out. Even from the doorway, I could smell the pleasant scent of fabric softener.

You tell a good story,
Chris
Still Waters

Good, classic, light-weight romance. This should fit the bill for fans of the genre looking for a relaxing read. Your craftsmanship is quite good, very clean and well balanced with dialogue and description. You introduce an air of mystery and sexual tension from early one, just right for romances. Well done!
Best of luck with this!
And if you'd like, do drop in on the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/